A Southern Californian in King Cailan's Court
by Zute
Summary: Elissa's soul is misplaced and a earth woman becomes a Grey Warden without even knowing what one is. How a modern, earth woman adapts and solves Ferelden's problems, like the Blight and the lack of flush toilets.
1. What an Odd Dream

**_Wherein I awake, freshly Joined and completely confused_**

I spent another night barely sleeping. It was 4 am when I finally drifted off to sleep on the sofa, with the TV accompanying me to my dreams. Sometimes background noises seem to populate my dreams and tonight, with the Sham Wow! guy advertising in my ear, was no different. I thought, when I opened my eyes and saw the two men hovering over me with concerned expressions, I must be having one of _those _TV influenced dreams. Any moment now another infomercial would play and then I'd be juicing carrots or smoothing away my crows feet.

One of the men was dark, almost piratical looking with a dark beard and swarthy skin, but kind eyes and a face creased with concern. He was my age, perhaps a bit younger. The other man was young and clean-cut. He had that sort of 1960's family sitcom wholesomeness about him, only on a body built by Chippendales. I would definitely stuff a dollar in his g-string! He was gorgeous but entirely too young for me... unless he liked Cougars and well, calling myself a Cougar was extremely generous.

I sat up dizzily, helped up by the two men. My body felt like I had been slammed into the ground. In fact, the ground was where I was so I might not have been exactly wrong. I also felt like my stomach was going to crawl out of my throat and possibly my spleen and gallbladder too. I thought they might dance up my esophagus and tap-dance around the ruins.

"God, I'm too old for this shit," I said. "I haven't felt this hung-over since I left college... twenty...some years ago." I fudged by a decade, trying not to date myself too precisely, I didn't want to scare either of the guys away, they were both gorgeous.

The two men looked at each other with strange expressions.

"Old?" the pirate laughed and Chippendales dancer joined him.

"Did you have dreams," the young one said. "I had dreams during my Joining. Terrifying dreams."

"I did have a weird dream," I said, "the Sham Wow! guy was chasing me through the streets wanting to clean up my spills. He said he would double my order for free if I call now. But you know how that goes, they sock you with a ridiculous shipping and handling charge."

The two men exchanged another pair of odd looks. "I've never seen anyone react to a Joining like this," the older one said.

The younger one looked at me curiously. "She did take quite a bump on the head when she fainted."

"Alistair," the pirate said, looking at the Chippendales dancer sternly, "I told you to be ready to catch her. You weren't paying attention again. We can't afford to lose recruits to head injuries."

_Alistair! So the hot looking Chippendales dancer was named Alistair. Nice name. Last time I heard that name it was an old guy on PBS... what was his name? Oh right, Alistair Cooke.  
_

"I'm sorry, Duncan. I was distracted." Alistair blushed.

_Duncan! __So the pirate is called Duncan. _I couldn't help but notice both men were wearing armor and were heavily armed.

"So, is this one of those anachronistic groups? Do you recreate some sort of historical battle here?" I asked eagerly. I was impressed, their costumes were fantastic. "And even more importantly, how did I get here and why do I feel like I tried to chug a kegger on my own?"

I looked around and saw two dead men not far away. "Wow," I said, "those guys look really dead. How do you get such realism? Connections in Hollywood?" One man had his eyes rolled back in his head and his tongue was lolling out. It was rather disgusting looking. The other one had what looked like a fresh stab wound to the gut. It was still _bleeding._ Yeah, right... red colored corn syrup most likely.

I knew, of course, I was dreaming. I had fallen asleep on my sofa after an epic spell of insomnia. It was just a little weird how detailed this dream was. I have done many things in my dreams, delivered a baby from an elderly woman on an escalator, fallen off a tower and landed gently as a feather, but I'd never felt like I was going to hurl in my dream or have such an acute headache. I also seemed to have the ability to direct my dream, or at least, my actions. That was new, it usually seemed to happen without any input from my consciousness. I was going to try to test it out. I would direct my own dialog: "You know, you two are incredibly hot for a guys wandering around in armor in some medieval reenactment. I usually think of those guys as being... well, a bit geeky."

It worked! I had totally been able to control my actions. This was some weird-ass dream. What do they call them? Lucid dreams. You can influence the course of your dream consciously. Frankly, I suspect it just meant you were in the process of waking up. Wait... why am I thinking about dreaming in a dream? That was a little too weird.

Duncan's mouth fell open. "My lady? I'm not sure what you just said. I fear the Joining and the bump to your head has left you...confused."

"Oh! Aren't you good and all in character! My lady..." I tittered at the formality. "Please, just call me Lucy."

Alistair scrunched up his face. "Your name is Elissa. Elissa Cousland. Don't you remember?"

I peered over my glasses at Alistair and scowled. Then I noticed I wasn't wearing glasses and my vision was absolutely perfect. The observation made my heart skip a beat. I looked at my arms and hands. My skin was smooth and perfect. The layer of fat that had dissolved over the decades on my hands was back. If this was a dream, I was beginning to like it a lot. My hands skipped up to my face. Everything was firm and taut. My hair... my hair was always thick but never curly. I extended a strand... and never auburn. My hair was dark blond, going white in places.

I stared straight ahead, stunned for a few moments. Then I remembered I was dreaming and relaxed. If this was my dream and I was young again, I was going to make the most of it. Duncan extended a hand to me to help me stand. I took it, but realized how easily my knees worked and how strong my legs were.

"Holy shit! I could kick ass in this body," I said, wondering how much of my martial arts training I remembered.

Everything I said drew puzzled looks from the men so their bafflement was not surprising. Duncan said "Indeed you fight well, Elissa, but kicking an ass would be cruel."

I smiled at Duncan, he was amazing at staying in character. "I always wanted to do that female warrior thing. So what's my thing? Kung fu? Jujitsu? Do I have any super-powers?" I looked at my body for the first time and saw I was dressed in leather armor. I glanced over my shoulders and saw twin blades strapped to my back. "Oh cool! I'm some sort of weapons expert?" I unsheathed the daggers and they seemed to fall into my hands naturally.

My body wanted to perform some sort of kata, but my mind warred with my body over what it should be. My Cuoung Nhu training wanted to do one thing but this body pulled me in another direction. I struck some sort of stance and expertly twirled the daggers and then my brain's training kicked in and I did a leg sweep and jumped away and did a roundhouse kick into the air. My kata shifted back and forth. At one point I dropped the daggers and did an impressive segment of Wing Chun blocks and punches. Then I did a cartwheel and picked up the daggers in the process. I was breathing a bit hard, but was far from winded.

"Oh my god! How did I do that?" I nearly screamed with excitement. "I'm like fuckin' Yoshimi! Bring on those pink robots!"

Duncan made a signal to Alistair and they closed in on me from each side, trapping my hands to my sides. Duncan took my daggers. "I'm sorry, Elissa but something has happened to you. I think until we have someone look at you, you should... rest."

My face must have fallen. My high of a few moments ago crashed. I was obviously frightening these two men. Then I reminded myself it was all part of a dream. This wasn't real at all.

"I'm okay, Duncan. But clearly you think I'm someone else. I'm not even quite sure how I got here. I was sleeping and then, I woke up here. Except I don't think I really woke up, I'm still dreaming, but it's a way cool dream! And really, if all the men are as gorgeous as you two, I don't want to wake up."

"Duncan," Alistair said, "If we take her back to the Grey Warden camp we'll be late for the meeting with the King."

Duncan pulled on his beard for a moment. "True." He turned to me and gave me a stern look. He did stern really well. I could just see the promise of a spanking if I were naughty. It made me really want to push him to the edge.

"Elissa... Lucy," he said gravely serious, "We're having a meeting with King Cailan about the battle and I'm going to need you to... not say anything. Just go along with whatever is said. Leave the talking to me and Alistair. All right?"

I nodded. I knew how to appear agreeable. Perhaps I could discover my super-power during this meeting with the King. Or perhaps the dream would devolve into some sort of sex dream. Maybe the "meeting" would be an orgy. What would happen if I nudged things in that direction? It'd been ages since I'd had a really steamy sex dream.


	2. What an Odd Sex Dream

**_It's Raining Men_**

"I promise I'm not going to do anything, Duncan," I whispered to him. He and Alistair will still walking shoulder to shoulder with me as though to restrain me if I so much as flinched. "Besides, you've got my weapons." I batted my eyes and smiled. I supposed, however, depending on how much of my martial arts training I remembered, I could take out a few of these guys before they brought me down. Or, at any rate, I could break through a small stack of plywood with my bare hand.

There were two men ahead of us who seemed to be the center of attention. Both were dressed in incredibly solid looking armor. I think it was called plate mail. One was extremely shiny and golden. Even his hair was golden. He had a little bit of the _too pretty_ thing going on with his face, but I'd do him. Especially in my dream. If I were going back in time, I could indulge in a bit of adolescent fantasy.

The other man could have stepped right out of my daydreams. He definitely was my age and he had a look on his face that said, _You kids get off my lawn!_ that women my age find enchanting. It takes a lot to intimidate a very independent middle-aged woman who has been around the block a few times, and stepped on a few lawns, changes her own flats and fixes the toilet when it breaks, but this man could scare even me. Scare me in a way that made my panties damp and my flesh goosepimple.

I decided to see whether or not I could influence this dream and perhaps get some sort of orgy going here. Still, it felt too real for me. I'm not some crazy, lascivious woman when awake so I still felt cautious and this dream seemed so real. Still I had to try something. This was a veritable conflagration of hot men and who knew when I'd have a dream staffed so well again?

The shiny man, who I figured was the King, kept looking at me. He spoke to me a few times, showing extreme interest in me being a _Grey Warden, _whatever that was. I made polite replies that revealed nothing. When he looked at me again, I made my move. I sent him a small smile paired with an arched eyebrow that I thought conveyed my intention without being too overt. Apparently it did work. His eyes were riveted on me from then on. The older man, Loghain I learned, was losing patience with him, having to repeat everything twice. But sadly the shiny main, Cailan, didn't immediately take me on the table with the maps.

Duncan caught onto my flirtation and he grabbed my wrist and gave it yank. I looked up into his face to see that look that conveyed I had misbehaved. I felt my spanking was imminent so I gave him a slow, very cheeky wink, hoping it would launch this dream into the eroticism I just knew was waiting to be unleashed from my dreaming brain.

"Your Majesty, I would like to ask for a short delay to the battle. We've had an illness afflict some of the Grey Warden ranks and we need everyone of them for this battle."

"Oh no, Duncan!" Cailan said. "I'll send the healers over. We depend on your forces!"

Loghain snorted. "This is an unnecessary delay, Cailan. Everything is ready to go this evening."

"No Loghain, Duncan is right. We need absolutely every Grey Warden to be ready for battle. I know Duncan would never ask for a delay if it wasn't important."

Loghain and Cailan argued while I continued to flirt with Cailan. I'd feel Duncan's grip tighten on my wrist and his eyes looking more dangerous. But try as I might, I could not get my recalcitrant brain to take this dream in the direction I wanted it to go. Still, it seemed that either Duncan or Cailan might redeem things. I would have to be patient.

Duncan got the King to agree to postpone the battle for two days while he looked into the illness afflicting the Grey Whatchamacallits. I wondered if there really was such an illness or perhaps he was referring to my not being the person he seemed to think I should be. Elizabeth? I'd forgotten her name already.

As the meeting ended and Duncan finally let go of my wrist, which was now throbbing, and turning to escort me back to the Grey Gizmos camp I heard Cailan speak.

"Elissa," he said, "we should speak about the situation in Highever and your brother."

I suddenly realized he was addressing me and jerked to attention. "Oh, yes..." I searched my memory for the right honorific to use. Did it really matter? It was just a dream. I decided to play along. "Your Majesty," I said with a flirtatious smile again. I tried to break away from Duncan but there was a restraining hand on my arm.

"Your Majesty, I apologize, but Elissa needs to return to camp and be briefed. I fear she is also exhausted from the trip here."

"That's very solicitous of you, Duncan. If Elissa wants to go, then of course, but perhaps we should let her decide."

My flirting had apparently paid off. I turned to look at Duncan before saying anything. His fingers dug into my upper arm and his look was promising dire punishment. I knew which man I preferred and I hoped my brain would finally choreograph a rewarding sex scene for me.

"I think Duncan is probably right, Your Majesty," I bowed in the way I had seen others do. "I should get briefed on being a Blue..." the term completely escaped me.

"Warden. Grey Warden," Duncan prompted.

"Right, Grey Warden." I smiled cheerfully at him.

Duncan pulled me away from the King to what I hoped was now the lovely finale of my very strange dream.


	3. It's not a Dream! I'm insane

**_Wherein Lucy Explains How to Exorcise a Desire Demon  
_**  
Duncan hustled me through the busy camp. It was amazing how detailed this dream was. There were injured men, groaning in some sort of makeshift infirmary. Dogs, war dogs I learned, in a kennel. A place where some woman in ceremonial robes looked to be preaching. I gawked in amazement at the incredible sights. Duncan just kept hold of my arm and tugged me after him. I nearly fell several times, my eyes were too busy to watch where I was walking.

We finally reached a group of tents where a bunch of men were watching Duncan approach. Their mouths hung open as they saw him push me into a tent. I hardly even got to take an admiring look at the assembled men. They all looked rather like Alistair and Duncan, good looking and well-built. All like warriors. Perhaps these were the Blue... no Grey Wardens that everyone kept going on about.

"Wait here a moment," Duncan said gruffly.

Of course, how deliciously erotic. I congratulated my brain on building the anticipation and perhaps even a little trepidation. Even my arm ached a little where his iron hand had gripped me. Amazingly real for a dream.

Duncan came back with another man and Alistair. This new one wore a robe. It didn't look like a bathrobe. I knew what it was supposed to be, a mage's robe. I read enough fantasy novels to know that. Duncan also had two lengths of rope and I was getting rather excited at the prospect. A mage? A hunky young man, Duncan and rope? This would be SO GOOD! Should I struggle a bit? That would be really sexy.

I stood up and put my hands on my hips defiantly. "Really, this is ridiculous. What are you doing?" Duncan tried to spin me around but I resisted.

"Please... Lucy. Cooperate and this will be much easier," he said.

"For you perhaps." I shot daggers at him with my eyes, but could barely suppress my excitement. I struggled a little but even with my superbly strong, young and well-trained body, he was able to subdue me. He tied my wrists together and ordered me to sit on the bed. I glared at him defiantly. He shot a look at Alistair and nodded at him. Alistair seized my torso and Duncan my legs and they laid me on the bed, keeping me from struggling.

Oh god yes! This was incredibly hot. Any minute now one of their hands was going to slide up my leg. I writhed a bit in anticipation.

The mage was looking at me. "A desire demon perhaps?" he suggested.

"You mean me?" I asked. I was rather flattered. I wasn't exactly certain what a desire demon was, but it sounded... desirable.

Duncan nodded. "I've never heard of anyone being possessed during a joining but something has clearly happened. This is not the same woman I've been traveling with for the last week." He gestured at me. "She speaks strangely and fights differently than Elissa."

The mage sat down next to me and put his hands on my shoulders.

Now we're getting somewhere, I thought.

I saw fingers of blue light coming from his hands. They snaked around my shoulders and into my body. He moved his hands to my head and repeated the same.

"She had a light concussion, but I don't think it's enough to addle her wits."

"Well thanks!" I said. "Look let's just get on with it. Okay? We all know where this is going to lead. We're going to have a sexy romp and I'm going to wake up a very happy woman. If we postpone this any longer I might wake up and if I wake up without doing at least one of you hunks I'm going to have a terrible day tomorrow."

Duncan looked at the mage with an arched eyebrow. "See what I mean? Her talk is strange."

I pouted, clearly I wasn't getting through to them. "Look, if I am a desire demon, then you probably need to chase it away right? I believe the exorcism manual mentions something about fucking the desire demon right out of the victim." I nodded to emphasize my words.

Alistair blushed, clearly understanding my meaning. Duncan looked away and cleared his throat, and the mage looked at me intrigued.

"A desire demon would make such an allegation," the mage said. "But of course that's not how one drives such a creature out."

"Damn it all, brain, I'm getting tired of your prudish games. Make this dream sexy!" I chastised myself for this dream taking such a frustratingly long time at getting to it.

The three men looked at me again with odd expression.

"Do you think you're dreaming?" Duncan asked.

"Of course," I replied. "How else to explain why I'm ripped from my small suburban community in Southern California to appear in... I have no idea where... surrounded by some of the most gorgeous men I've ever laid eyes on. This is a very odd dream though. Such detail, such consistency. No one is chasing me with a moldy sponge. That happens a lot in my dreams."

"Where is Southern California?" Duncan asked.

"It's amazing how you stick to your character, you're so incredibly consistently. I know you know where it is because I know where it is, and this is my dream, right? So it makes sense you know everything I know, since I created you. So you can stop pretending you don't know."

"Humor me, Lucy. Answer my question," Duncan insisted.

"It's on the West coast of the United States of America. In the southern part of it, of course. Not far from the Mexican border."

"I've never heard of those places," the mage said.

"Is this in Thedas?" Duncan asked.

"Thedas?" I said mystified. "I never heard of it. It's part of the North American continent on planet earth." I watched the men growing very puzzled by their reactions. They acted so... real.

"Planet earth?" Duncan said. "What's a planet?"

I was starting to get freaked out. "What's a planet? This is ridiculous. A planet is a sizable object that orbits a sun in a solar system. Or something like that. I'm no physicist or astronomer so perhaps my definition is not quite correct."

"She is speaking gibberish again," Duncan remarked.

"Well, this is interesting but proves nothing," the mage said. "If she's being possessed I will need to go into the Fade and confront it."

"And you say I speak gibberish?" I complained.

"All right," Duncan agreed. "What do you need?"

"I will need this... creature to be asleep and a lot of lyrium. I can put her to sleep." He waved his hands at me and I saw a clear white light in front of my eyes.

.

.

"Wake up," Duncan shook my shoulder and woke this time to three faces peering at me.

"She's not possessed by a demon," the mage said. "But you were right, Duncan. This woman is not Elissa Cousland. There is something off. Every person has a signature or vibration. It is unique but they're all similar in some way. This woman has a vibration that is nothing like I've ever felt. It's like she doesn't really belong here at all. I think she was pulled from another universe to this one. I suppose Elissa Cousland has woken up in her body."

"Oh dear," I said. "If that were true it wouldn't be very funny. I definitely got the better part of the bargain." I sighed. My dream was so ludicrous but it was on some level rather believable. "I hope she feeds my cat," I said, giggling because I still didn't believe this wasn't a dream.

"Lucy," Duncan said. "We're going to talk this over. We'll be back shortly. I'm afraid I need to keep you tied up here. While you believe this is just some sort of dream, you could do anything and we can't risk that."

The men left the tent and I was left, laying on my back and my hands were falling asleep underneath me. Being alone left me time to think. This was unlike any dream I had ever had. It was lasting a very long time. It was consistent. No one had a moldy sponge that I had seen. I could still feel my arm aching where Duncan had gripped it. When have I ever dreamed that my hands were falling asleep or all these physical sensations?

I'm not one to escape into delusions, myth, fantasy or even religion. When I was confronted with reality I accepted it. This was, I had to admit, real in every way I could measure. That left one other possible explanation. My perception of reality was wrong somehow. Thinking logically, the only way this could happen was if I were insane. But do the insane know they're insane? Wasn't the problem that they couldn't separate out fantasy from reality? This was not real, at least not a part of the reality I had experienced in my many decades. Could one go to bed sane and wake up completely loony? That didn't make sense either.

I couldn't rule it out but insanity seemed unlikely. That left one other explanation. It was real. I couldn't help laughing. If it was real, I'd been acting like an absolute slut. What would these people think of me? Perhaps when I explained...

I laughed again at myself. Look at how quickly I latched onto this crazy explanation. Chances are I had had a complete break with sanity, maybe due to my insomnia. Perhaps I was in some mental institution somewhere already and just weaving this elaborate fantasy. But if I was... how could I think so objectively about it? Insane people don't question their delusions, I don't think.

I was back to where I started, struggling to find a plausible explanation for everything, when Duncan returned with the mage.

"Lucy," he said gently. "I am very sorry this has happened to you. We know of no way to reverse this. This place you have come to is very dangerous. We are on the brink of possible extinction of everything we love, even all of humanity and civilization. That is, unless we defeat a great enemy. This is why Elissa was brought here. She was recruited to help us defeat this enemy. She was a well-trained warrior and the daughter of nobles."

"Kind of like Yoshimi and the pink robots," I said. "I knew it! I bet I have some sort of super-power, don't I?"

"I assume Yoshimi and the...pink robots is something from your world? Some great evil that threatened humanity?"

I felt a little embarrassed. "Well, not really. It's just a story. The great threat to humanity on my world is... humanity."

Duncan nodded. "You are indeed one of us. The Joining happened to your body, or at least the one you now inhabit and it does change you somewhat."

"My super-power then?" If I was insane, at least I was having a good time with it. I couldn't imagine anything better than believing myself some sort of super-hero.

Duncan smiled. "I wouldn't call it that. You have a little better stamina and strength than most people. You can also sense evil creatures called darkspawn. I suppose they're sort of like the pink rabbits on your world."

"Robots," I corrected him.

He nodded. "They're not terribly intelligent and we Grey Wardens are very adept at killing them. However, once every few hundred years an old god is raised and tainted by the darkspawn and it leads them in hordes to the surface. They become more organized and far more dangerous as well as numerous. The first time this happened the blight, as we call it, ran on for a hundred years and destroyed much of the surface."

"Surface?" I had to ask. They acted like there was a whole subterranean world.

Duncan pinched the bridge of his nose. "There is so much to tell you. So much you do not know. You're like a newborn child without knowledge of things that every other person knows."

"Excuse me? You don't know what a planet is and you accuse me of being ignorant?" I couldn't help my indignation. I was well-educated, read extensively of history and science.

The mage interrupted. "Of course we would be just as ignorant in your world, but you're in our world now."

I must have looked extremely lost just then because Duncan put a hand on my shoulder. "Lucy, do you still believe you're dreaming?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so. No dream could be this detailed or consistent. I've never experienced so many physical sensations in my dream. So I'm thinking I might have gone insane, retreated to some sort of fantasy world when I'm to play a heroic role. It's just... I always thought of myself as a very sane person. Very well-grounded in reality." I shook my head sadly.

The mage shook his head. "Insane people, in my experience," the mage said, "do not realize their fantasies are unreal. They don't question them, or at least, they slip in and out of fantasy. Do you not see that yours is very consistent?"

"In a very strange way it makes sense. Probably more sense than a bunch of voices babbling in my head. And why would I have such a huge sudden break with reality when I've always been sane? I believe you, mage-man... what was your name?" I felt rude, I didn't know how to address him.

"Bendrick," he replied. "I am a senior mage of the Grey Wardens."

"Right." I said. Another fact that fit nowhere within my reality. "So what did you two decide is my fate?"

Duncan stood. "We will welcome you to the Grey Wardens and expect you to fight alongside us. Obviously you have skill at battle. But only if you can accept this isn't a dream and you're not insane. You must take this seriously, your life, and the lives of many others depend on it."

"If I am insane of course you'd say that, make me into some sort of hero. My insanity would love that. But I'm willing to go with it. If I am am insane I'll probably awaken in a straight-jacket at some point. If not, then it seems I have a worthy vocation in my new life."

Duncan nodded approvingly at her. "That is acceptable." He helped me sit up and he unfastened the ropes.

I blushed remembering my comments from earlier. "I apologize for the things I said when I thought I was dreaming. I'm terribly embarrassed."

Duncan smiled rather broadly. "It was extremely flattering, my lady. I am a little concerned about your flirtation with Cailan however. He seems eager to get to know you better and we don't want anyone to know about your condition unless they absolutely must. You must become the woman you replaced. And to that end, you must be called Elissa from here on out."

I nodded. It would seem I would be embracing either my destiny or my insanity. I was no longer Lucy Woodridge, of San Diego, California, the planet earth. I was someone named Elissa Cousland and I was the daughter of nobles and I needed to save the world.


	4. They do WHAT with Hay?

**Lucy Woodridge Learns How to Wipe her Butt**

For the next many hours Alistair and Duncan talked to me, telling me things everyone else knew as a matter of course. They told me of my family and how they died tragically, in front of Elissa, to a horribly insane man and how my brother was missing in the Wilds. They told me about the drawbacks to being a Grey Warden. No children most likely, a shortened life-span and all.

"Not a big deal, I said. I've already lived... a substantial amount of time. Thirty more years at my age would make a decent total when I finally kick the bucket. Of course, having the counter reset to when I'm ... how old am I? Twenty? Is a bonus. I think there's nothing here to complain about."

To the no-children left behind thing I said: "I've never been much on producing children, actually. Never had any in my other life. They're rather creepy, you know? They're here to replace us!" I always got laughs with that line but neither Alistair or Duncan so much as cracked a smile. Ah well, the cultural barrier was immense.

"Perhaps, Elissa," Duncan said, stressing my not-name, "you could hold your comments until later. We have a lot of material to cover."

I knew shut-up when I heard it. So I zipped it and nodded agreeably and settled in to listen to this crazy tale unwind. I only asked questions when I was seriously confused. I had to resist mocking their religion. It seemed like these people took it very seriously. They took religion very seriously in the middle ages too and they tended to do bad things to people who mocked it. Fortunately I had self-control in aces. If half my thoughts were expressed I'd never have lived to be even Elissa's age.

When they started to explain the system of government I started to make comparisons to various stages in earth's history. I thought perhaps 12th century England was a good comparison. It seemed that the government was feudalistic transitioning into a more centralized power structure. It would be fascinating to see what life might have been like on earth during that period.

After a few hours of lecturing, lunch was brought to us. I was still being secluded in the tent. I supposed until I could pass as Elissa Cousland, I'd be kept here.

A man handed me a huge plate of food. It was utterly enormous. If I were to guess, there might be several days worth of calories on that plate. Certainly more than my poky middle-aged metabolism could deal with, although my rumbling stomach begged to differ.

"Oh dear," I looked at the plate. There was bread and I was severely gluten intolerant. Even a crumb of bread could send me running to the loo for several days.

"Is something wrong?" Duncan asked.

"Bread makes me ill," I explained.

"Elissa ate bread and she seemed quite healthy," Duncan said.

"Oh right! I keep forgetting. I told you she got the poor end of the bargain." I didn't envy her having to figure out what happens to her when she eats bread. Then I wondered if she would like flush toilets. My brain wandered off wondering what Elissa was doing in my house. Perhaps she was doing my job? Maybe she gained my ability to write computer programs. More likely, she had been bundled off to an insane asylum. Again, I couldn't help but feel in every way I had been luckier. I had two patient, not to mention incredibly attractive, men explaining everything to me and accepting my story. Elissa would not likely find anyone on earth so receptive.

"Um," I said, not wanting to breach such a delicate topic with virtual strangers but I would have to. "How does one... do their business here? I did not see any porta-potties and I doubt there are flush toilets. My God! Is there even toilet paper?"

Duncan looked at me with a confused expression. "I'm afraid I did not understand, lass. Can you try to couch the phrase without idioms?"

I blushed. "How does one eliminate? What accommodations are there? I suspect my world is very different from yours in such matters. We seem to be about eight hundred years, or so, more advanced in technology." I sighed. "I realize this sounds foolish but I don't even know how to wipe my bottom here."

Alistair blushed harder than I did but Duncan described the latrine with the wooden seat for sitting on. Hay, leaves, or almost anything was used to clean oneself. Although I learned that the wealthy often had a cloth of some sort they used, and reused, but it was washed.

I moaned at the thought. "No flush toilets. No toilet paper." I cringed at the notion of wiping my butt with hay. Suddenly I wasn't so sure I could do this. If I could have jumped back through time to my own body, I would have, even if it meant giving up this twenty year-old body. "Good God, Duncan! Hay?"

"Elissa, the proper phrase here would be 'Good Maker' or perhaps 'Maker's breath'."

I nodded with a worried expression on my face. I hoped I wouldn't have to use the latrine for a long time. Perhaps if I just quit eating and drinking...

I dug into my enormous plate of food. My eyes closed with pleasure. The food was great! It was simple: meats and starchy vegetables but nicely spiced. I think the meat might have been venison, it wasn't something I was terribly familiar with but I enjoyed it tremendously. The bread was spread with a thick layer of real butter. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Real butter! None of those stupid attempts by humanity to engineer something better than what nature already provides. Clearly Ferelden society had no media induced fear of fat.

I couldn't help my little groans of pleasure. Duncan smiled indulgently at me as I devoured my food with single minded concentration.

"That's another side effect of the Joining ritual, Elissa."

"Hmmm?" I said around a mouthful laden with an obscene number of calories.

"Your appetite will be large due to the Joining."

"Oh... Maker," I grumbled, remembering to insert the right deity. "Just what I need. I'm going to explode into fat."

"No lass, that won't happen. Grey Wardens don't get fat."

"I bet I'll be the first, then." I was simply being realistic. In my life, even diseases that listed weight-loss as a symptom didn't make me lose weight. In fact, during a bout of hyperthyroidism I gained weight. My doctor said I was a rare exception. Lucky me. That thought made me worry about the real Elissa Cousland. She wasn't going to know she had to take thyroid meds. Hopefully they would figure it out in the insane asylum she was surely going to end up in. I again felt guilty over the raw deal poor Elissa was getting. Although the fact I would have to wipe my bum with hay evened things out a bit.

When Duncan and Alistair were nearly hoarse they called in Bendrick to tell me about mages and the Circle. I got him to demonstrate some magic. I was utterly fascinated.

"Is it possible I could do magic?" I asked him.

Bendrick pulled at his little goatee and considered my question. "I do not think so, Elissa. Children are born mages or not. So if magic resides in a body, then no. You cannot do magic. But if magic is something attached to the mind, then perhaps you can. Did you do magic in your prior life?"

I shook my head. "No, but no one could. There was no magic on my world." I wanted to tell him I could juggle fairly well. What that had to do with magic, I had no idea. Perhaps I was just tired of feeling so helpless and lost. I wanted to prove to these people I had skills, however trivial.

"It is probably best if you don't have any magical abilities. It takes years of training to develop them and the Chantry, despite their agreements, sometimes tries to reign in Grey Warden mages."

I frowned. "Why do mages allow the Chantry to oppress them so?" My mind readily flew back to such struggles from my own life. I had lived through the Civil Rights movement, although I was very young at the time. I had seen homosexuals fight for their rights and finally win them. I had seen Apartheid end in South Africa. I had seen and fought for my own equality with men. I knew a determined group of people could shrug off their oppressors. Well, at least on modern day earth they could.

Bendrick smiled sadly at me. "Does not oppression happen where you come from?"

I nodded. "Oh certainly it does. But I have seen it change many times. Eventually people seem to understand those they're oppressing are no different from themselves. Or they're pressured to change by external forces. Sometimes change is brutal and violent but more often I think it happens by civil disobedience, protests and teaching tolerance. Eventually society will bend even the most inflexible rules if they are unjust."

"I would like to hear more about this world of yours," Bendrick said. "Perhaps when Duncan feels your mind is sufficiently stuffed, you could tell me your stories?"

I smiled at him. Finally someone was interested in where I had come from. Duncan was solely interested in making me over into Elissa Cousland. Although, I could understand his concern. I was sticking out like a sore thumb. Also, my prominence as a young noble woman meant I would be scrutinized closely. Another disturbing thought flashed through my mind... what would I do if and when I met my missing brother? Surely I would never be able to fool him.

"I would love to tell you about my world, Bendrick. I think you might believe my world is a magical place where everyone does magic. But we call magic technology and anyone with the means to purchase it can have it."

Bendrick looked fascinated but got back on track with his discourse. I listened to him, fascinated, but eventually my eyes started to droop and I couldn't hide my yawns.

"Elissa, take a nap," he said kindly to me. He gestured me over to the cot. I thanked him and laid down. I was out like a flash.

I had a dream while I was napping. A mighty dragon roared and I could almost understand what it was saying. It sang a beautiful song too. One that made me want to find the dragon. But then a terrible looking creature with jagged teeth and looking mostly dead started to come after me with a stinking mildewed sponge.

"Replace your moldy sponges with a Shamwow! It absorbs up to 20 times it's weight in water!" the creature yelled at me waving the mildewed sponge under my nose. "It never mildews or molds!" he yelled enthusiastically.

"Oh right, I'm supposed to believe that. I've fallen for your infomercial promises before and you never deliver," Dream-Me said.

The strange creature roared with anger and I turned tail and ran. A hail of mildewed sponges rained around me and I screamed in utter fear of getting one tangled in my hair.

My scream woke me up and I sat bolt upright on the cot. Duncan came running into the tent and Bendrick followed shortly afterward.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I had a horrible dream."

"Ah yes. We did tell you about those?" Duncan asked gently.

I nodded. "I saw a huge dragon and then a strangely deformed creature." I paused, trying to remember what I had learned. "Those were darkspawn?"

Duncan and Bendrick nodded. "The dragon is the archdemon," the mage told me.

"And I'm to be fighting these?" I asked.

Duncan nodded. "Yes, lass."

"I take it they don't actually throw moldy sponges in battle?"

Bendrick couldn't suppress his smile but Duncan did. "No, they use weapons like ours and sometimes magic. We'll discuss tactics tomorrow," Duncan said.

Bendrick gave my shoulder a friendly squeeze. "Just kill the mages first," he said.

I sighed sadly. The man was obviously brain-washed by his oppressors. "Fight the system, Bendrick," I told him.

Duncan and Bendrick resumed my crash course in living in their world as Elissa Cousland. But I finally couldn't hold it any longer. I nearly danced in my seat with discomfort.

"I'm afraid," I said... and by afraid I meant scared witless... "I need to use the latrine."


	5. The Upside to Insanity

**Note: **Someone asked about what is happening to Elissa in Lucy's body. We'll get a little peek at that in an upcoming chapter. ;)

**101 Uses for Everyday Magic  
**

The latrine was every bit as terrifying as I imagined it would be. The smell assaulted me yards away and the little building built around it was dark and decrepit. There was no privacy, although they did have a small latrine set up for the women, we all had to go at the same time. I've always had a shy bladder and I just knew there were spiders living inside the wooden platform we were to sit on, waiting to bite my bare ass. I did my business as quickly as possible, suppressing a whimper of fear that wanted to squeeze out of my throat.

I grabbed a handful of hay and... well, was I supposed to use it in the front too? Or did women just drip dry? I waited awhile to see what others did. A lady in Chantry robes grabbed a handful of her robe and wiped her front. Oh gross! I used the hay and it prickled terribly and wasn't exactly absorbent. I felt like a dung beetle after that experience.

I looked around for some place to wash my hands but could see nothing available.

Bendrick, who had escorted me to the latrine, was waiting for me outside.

"Bendrick, where do I wash my hands?" I whispered to him.

"Wash? There's a bucket brought around before dinner. You can wash up then."

I shivered violently at the thought of these people swarming with fecal bacteria. Sometimes knowledge was debilitating. The mage looked at me curiously, I could tell he was brimming with questions for me. "I can't not... I **have **to wash my hands, Bendrick."

"Very well, let me take you to the water pump." He showed it to me. It worked similarly to ones I'd seen at Knotts Berry Farm when I was a child. He pumped the cold water while I scrubbed my fingers. I wished for soap, but at least the water was an improvement.

"Elissa, Duncan wants you to eat with the Grey Wardens for dinner tonight. It will be a good time for you to test what you've learned today. I will help you if you get stuck. It will also inform us as to what major gaps in knowledge you yet have."

I nodded, anxious to be distracted from my thoughts about the unsanitary conditions. These people had lived with germs like these from childhood, they probably had a good deal of resistance to many of them.

Bendrick led me around to the Grey Warden camp again and introduced me to some of the Wardens. They were a polite bunch but I felt a lot of eyes on me. Was it because I was the only female warden or was this something other than curiosity? Perhaps it was the way Duncan had manhandled me into his tent earlier. His expression had probably relayed that I was troublesome. I tried to be charming to make up for my first impression.

Bendrick took me back to the tent and went on with his lectures. He took obvious joy in speaking to me as I was a rapt student. If this were some delusion of mine, it certainly was detailed and very creative. I supposed I should be proud for having such a creative and colorful fantasy world. On the other hand, if I truly were here, then it was all the more fascinating. He didn't mind when I interrupted with questions although sometimes they took him into lengthy detours. I was fascinated by everything he had to say.

"Elissa, I think we're done for the night," he finally announced and I heard a bell ringing.

"What does the bell signify?" I asked.

"It is dinner time, can't you smell it?"

"Oh yes, now that you mention it." I sniffed the air intently and sighed. "I can't believe how hungry I am."

Bendrick laughed. "Don't be embarrassed by your appetite. We're all afflicted with the same, although it is worse when you're newly Joined." He smiled slyly at me. "If you find yourself hungry between meals, come to me, I know how wheedle extra food."

I nodded happily. "Thank you, Bendrick!" I felt like I had found a friend. Bendrick and I seemed to click. He was younger than I was by 10 or 15 years, but no stripling like Alistair. (I still measure the differences in ages in terms of my old body, or perhaps the age of my mind.) He looked nice. Not quite as striking as some of the men but he had a nice way about him.

"One question, Bendrick. Perhaps this is common knowledge I should know, but... why do mages wear robes?"

Bendrick laughed. "You'd be surprised how often we're asked that question. I've heard a number of answers, some rather lewd, others more nonsensical. I think the real answer is, because they're comfortable and it is tradition."

"What is the lewd answer?" I asked, my curiosity piqued.

Bendrick coughed. "Such is not fitting for a young woman's ears, I'm afraid."

I laughed. "Bendrick, I'm not a young woman, despite the body I currently occupy. Where I'm from, most of us enjoy bawdy humor. Sex is not the taboo subject it might be here."

He shrugged. "The lewd answer is that mages like to have quick trysts in corners hidden from view of the Templars who always watch us and the robes give us quick access."

I laughed. "That sounds sensible. Is there any truth to that?"

He nodded. "More than most mages will admit to. We have little privacy since the Chantry fears we're going to explode into an abomination at any moment."

I sighed. "What a shame, Bendrick. So you've never been able to take your time and have a leisurely tryst in a comfortable bed?"

He shook his sadly. "Well, not when I was in the Tower. Since then, there have been few opportunities. Most women are afraid of mages."

My heart went out to him. It sounded like mages had a difficult life. "I'm not afraid of you, Bendrick." It was true, I had seen nothing but kindness, curiosity and intelligence from him. Nothing suggested a demon was going to burst out of his chest like an alien hatchling.

Bendrick looked about to burst with a grin. "I am glad to hear that. We should go to dinner. Duncan might send out a search party." He guided me out of the tent to the tables where the Wardens had assembled. Duncan gestured for me to sit next to him and Bendrick sat on the other side.

Duncan stood and tapped his mug with a fork to get everyone's attention. "Gentlemen, some of you have met our new sister but if not, let me introduce you to Elissa. She comes to us from Highever and she had her Joining today." He raised his mug in a toast to me and every man at the table reached over to shake my hand. I was greeted very warmly with handshakes and sometimes kisses pressed to my knuckles. Then food was placed before me and my mug was filled with ale. I could no longer ignore the beast clamoring in my middle.

I'm afraid I tuned everything out while I devoured my meal. I knew I was being asked questions but once I started to eat there was no stopping. I've always been a fast eater but I think I barely chewed the food. It just went down my throat and was chased down with gulps of beer. Long had I missed beer, being denied it from my gluten intolerance. It was heaven having the malty suds again.

"Give her a moment, brothers," Bendrick said, "she has the appetite."

I did manage to hear a lewd response about which appetite and I couldn't help but look up with an amused expression at the speaker of the witticism although my mouth was too full of food to make any reply. And when I thought about it a moment, it was perhaps good. I doubted Elissa, the daughter of nobles, had my bawdy sense of humor. She was probably guarding her virginity carefully for some appropriate match. That did inspire a whole new series of questions I hoped I could ask Duncan and Bendrick. My line of reasoning led me to another startling thought. If my suspicion of Elissa's virginity was true, then it might mean I'm actually a virgin... again.

My train of thought nearly derailed in the next instant. If this were the body of a young woman who was hoarding her virginity for some reason, shouldn't I respect her wishes? I had no idea if this weird accident would, or could, be undone. I would hate to leave her body in a state that would cause her anguish. On the other hand, if I'm simply insane and in my own fantasy world, it wouldn't matter, would it?

I pushed thoughts of sex and Elissa's probable virginity out of my mind and returned my full focus to the plate in front of me. When it was finally clean I looked up to see the men around the table looking at me with suppressed laughter. I realized there was quite a mess on my face. As fast as I had been shoveling it in, some of it hadn't quite hit the pie-hole. I smirked and picked up my napkin and dabbed delicately at my face.

One man started to applaud at my frenzied feeding and then the rest joined him and soon the entire table was giving me a standing ovation. After the applause died down I decided to ham it up a bit. I held my plate out to Duncan and said, "Please sir, may I have some more?" A quote from Oliver Twist. Of course it was a joke no one was likely to understand but nonetheless the men burst out laughing.

Duncan shot me a wary glance and I leaned over and said, "I'm joking."

Someone took my mug and filled it again with beer. I was going to have to be careful. I was never a big drinker and my oddness was likely to become obvious if I got tipsy. Oh! But I'm in Elissa's body, perhaps her alcohol tolerance was better than mine.

"So, I believe I heard some questions asked of me while I was... feeding. I apologize for not answering but if you'd like to ask your questions again, I will this time." I smiled warmly. I realized just then I was in heaven. A full belly, a full mug of ale, a table of handsome virile men and me the center of attention. I basked.

"Where did you live in Highever?" one man asked.

"The Cousland Castle," I said, proud to have remembered. "I am Elissa Cousland."

There was a murmur around the table as it sank in that I was a noblewoman.

"Not that it matters, one whit. I'm just a Grey Warden now. Same as you."

I saw heads bobbing approvingly at that. It certainly set better with me.

"Have you ever seen a darkspawn?", someone asked.

I was about to reply in the negative but Duncan interrupted. "Of course she has. Like everyone else here she had to kill darkspawn to gather their blood for her Joining."

Most of the questions were ones I could either fake or actually knew the answer to. Occasionally I got a jab in the ribs from Duncan or Bendrick when I messed up an answer. I didn't try to correct my mistakes. My motto was, "Be Wrong, Be Strong". In other words, make your mistakes look like you meant to do them.

When dinner was over Bendrick leaned over to ask me if I'd like to go for a walk with him. I looked over at Duncan for permission. He had a slightly amused look on his face. "If you wish, certainly," he said.

"Oh, before you go. We've set up a tent for you and moved your things there. I will show you." Duncan got up and I went with him to my tent. He gestured for me to enter. "You did well at dinner. You have a natural confidence and friendliness that makes people like you, something that did not come naturally to Elissa. You may need to be a little more... aloof and haughty to pass for her. Sometimes your speech is a little unusual but I think you'll catch on soon enough."

"I have an awkward question to ask you, Duncan." I realized this was going to be worse than the question about wiping my butt. "Since Grey Wardens don't have children, do they ever marry?"

Duncan looked startled by my question. "Elissa? You can't be thinking..."

I laughed. "No, of course not. I'm just curious about Elissa. About this body. I'm not a young woman, like Elissa. My society places little importance on things like virginity, but I just wanted to know whether..."

"Is Elissa a virgin?" he asked. "Hmmm, well, it's possible. Certainly the girl children of nobles are usually expected to marry and sometimes their husbands put a lot of stock into their purity. But Elissa seemed uninterested in marriage. As a Grey Warden her marriageability to a nobleman is unlikely since she'd probably not be able to have children and she's given up all claim to her title and wealth to be a Grey Warden."

"I realize this is an odd question to ask, but I don't know if Elissa and I might change bodies again and I didn't want to leave hers in a state she would be unhappy about."

Duncan frowned. "I think if you want to be concerned about taking care of her body, just make sure it survives the coming battles. It is best if you start thinking about this as your body and stop worrying about everything else. The sooner you accept you are Elissa Cousland, the better."

I shook my head. "I'll never be her, Duncan. I can try to fake it. But I've spent too many years as Lucy Woodridge to ever forget who I am."

He smiled at me. "I know, lass. But you must accept the reality of the situation."

"I'm coming to terms with it," I said.

"Good girl," he said.

I wanted to chastise him about calling me a girl but I realized that I was, in appearance, if nothing else. I nodded politely and left my tent to find Bendrick.

"There you are!" he ran up to me. "Do you have a cloak?" he asked. I realized it was getting chilly outside.

"No. Or rather, I don't know."

"Let's go look." He took me back to my tent and we went through my backpacks. We finally found one and he helped me put it on. While he was fastening it around me I realized I hadn't dressed myself in what I was wearing.

"You know, I just realized I don't even know how to dress myself." I looked at him with a despairing look on my face. "This stuff looks complicated."

He smiled at me. "Don't worry, one of us will help you."

"Talk about feeling helpless..." I sighed.

Bendrick took my hand and pulled me out of the tent. "Come, I have a thousand questions to ask you." He didn't let go of my hand as we strolled through the camp. Being unsure of their customs I didn't know if it signified anything. "We need to find a place free of eavesdroppers."

He guided me to an unoccupied alcove. It was very dark except that the moon was nearly full. He sat on the wall that edged the alcove. I looked out over the wall. It was too dark to see much, except that it looked like anything down below was a very long way down.

"Tell me about yourself, Lucy," he said.

I noted he called me by my real name and I appreciated it more than I could express. "Well, my name is Lucy Woodridge and I told you where I live already. I am a 52 year-old woman and I live in my own house and I am a computer programmer by profession, which I know means nothing to you."

"52?" Bendrick gasped. "You look barely twenty in this body."

"Yes, imagine poor Elissa's surprise at being in my old body. I feel sorry for her. I took care of myself, more or less, but still... so unfair to age 32 years in a heartbeat."

"I thought perhaps you had a maturity beyond your apparent age."

"I suppose there aren't many mirrors around? I was curious what I... Elissa looks like."

"Large mirrors are very rare. Maybe the King has one in his tent. But I think I can tell you."

"Please do."

"Well, you're tall for a woman. Nearly as tall as I am. Your figure is slender and strong. Your hair is like a flaming bush. I suspect it'll get very unruly when the weather is damp. Your skin is kissed by the sun, a little tanned. You have a few freckles across your nose and your eyes are very dark brown. I think few men see you pass by without looking a second time."

"Oh really?" I said. "Elissa must be attractive." I couldn't help feeling like I had won the lottery again.

"_You _are, dear Lucy.'

"I can't think of this body as mine. I don't know when this strange accident is going to reverse and I'll be slammed back into my own body."

"Lucy, I think you're here permanently. I've never heard of this happening but I can't imagine it could happen a second time. Tell me about your world, Lucy."

I smiled wistfully and began describing flush toilets first, because I missed them most of all. Then toilet paper, which I missed just as much as flush toilets. Running hot and cold water was right up at the top of the list too. Electricity, automobiles and refrigeration were next. I explained roads and railroads and I tried to explain television and radio and failed miserably. Then I decided to explain germ theory to him, about how diseases are transmitted by organisms you can't even see. I told him how modern sanitation had made many diseases very rare.

He was utterly fascinated. I could see his mind would have been a scientist's mind, or an inventor's. He was curious about everything. He speculated that if science and magic worked together perhaps they could do some truly miraculous things. I agreed with him. He wanted to know if I could build a radio transmission tower and I shook my head no.

"If only we had access to Wikipedia," I sighed.

"What is that?"

"It is a giant compendium of human learning compiled into one place that is as easy to access as... the flap on your tent. You could ask for information about radio transmission towers and it would instantly give you all the information it had."

"How is this not magic?" he asked.

I laughed. "I told you it would seem that way. But it isn't at all. It is technology."

Bendrick skooched closer to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. "Tell me more, Lucy."

I found I didn't mind his arm around me. I told him about showers and bathtubs and I tried to tell him about factories but it was getting late and I was starting to yawn.

"Tell me if this is unwanted," Bendrick said. Then he kissed me. It was a sweet, gentle kiss and it made my lips tingle. It seemed like there was something electrical about it. I thought it was just our connection but later I learned there truly was something electrical about it. Elissa's young body seemed to approve of the kiss, not to mention my middle-aged mind. I tried not to think about the ramifications of what I was considering for her body. Instead I said, "It is not unwanted." Then I kissed him back.

We were in my tent on my bedroll. He got me out of my armor after a little confusion. Unfortunately I paid little attention to how he did it because I was too busy getting him out of his robe. I noticed that after the armor was gone, I was still clad in cotton leggings and a shirt. Those seemed obvious to remove. Under that was a strange set of undergarments that he called "smalls".

"I don't even know the names of clothing here," I told him as he undressed me.

"You can learn them later," he said eager to move onto other lessons. "You were curious about magic. There are some uses for magic that most people don't know about."

"Oh?" I said. Then his hand flared in blue and it made contact with my nipple. "Oh!" I said. His other hand glimmered with a little spark of lightning and it contacted my other nipple and I couldn't help the loud squeal I made.

"Shush!" he said, laughing. "You'll incite the gossips."

I tried my best to remain quiet but the things he did to me with his magic kept surprising me.

"I should warn you to be cautious, Bendrick, this body might be a virgin, although the mind definitely is not."

"I will be careful," he promised. Then he slid one of his magically enhanced fingers into my channel and I nearly wiggled off the bedroll with delight.

"I don't feel any barrier." But he added a second finger anyway to widen my passage. Then his mouth trailed kisses over my stomach and down to the cleft between my legs. Whatever he had studied in the Tower, he hadn't come away ignorant of female sexuality. His tongue was icy cold and he worked it around my nub. It wasn't long before I had buried my hands in his hair and was nearly humping his face. I was insensible to everything but the sensation of his fingers and tongue, heat, ice and electricity. A few moments later I was clenched tight in the grasp of a heart thundering orgasm.

"Oh God! Maker!" I said. "How can these people not appreciate you mages?" I asked. "In my world, you would be followed by Paparazzi and screaming fans." I kissed him out of deep appreciation for the experience.

"Are you ready to go again, Lucy?" he asked me.

"Oddly enough, I am." My stamina seemed amazing.

"That's another of the Grey Warden appetites we gain." He smiled at me. "With the stamina to back it up." His fingers drifted back to my nethers and I was very sensitive but he seemed aware of this and his touch was light.

"It seems I get a super-power after all! And I can't imagine a better one."

I pushed him onto his back and crouched over him, taking in his finely formed torso. He did not seem to have the massive muscles of some of the men but he was contoured nicely.

"I feel at a disadvantage, Bendrick, I don't have magic." I pouted.

"I could spell you..." he suggested tentatively.

"Oh? That sounds intriguing, do it!"

He grasped my hand and muttered something and it turned blue. I didn't feel cold, but when I touched myself it was frosty just as his hand had been. The other hand he grasped flickered with tiny arcs of electricity.

"You might need to coach me. I don't want to hurt you." I warned him.

"You won't, just touch me as you normally would."

My hands went to his nipples and he shivered and gasped as my hands and mouth paid them homage. I could feel his manhood pressing against my butt and it jerked in approval to what I was doing. Then I felt bad for teasing the poor mage and I slid down his body so I could address his need more directly. I sat on his ankles and my cold hand grasped him. He hips jerked and he inhaled sharply.

"Are you all right?" I asked, concerned for his safety with my inexperience with magic.

"I'm... fine. Don't stop." His voice sounded almost strangled.

I used my other hand to carefully caress his sac and then I leaned over and took him into my mouth.

"Maker!" he shouted.

I peered up at him, alarmed again that I might have hurt him, but his face was contorted in pleasure. I don't exactly consider myself an expert at this particular act, but he seemed to like what I was doing. His fingers hooked into my hair and tugged in a way that wasn't unpleasant. Then I did what all the writers of my time suggested and took a deep breath and relaxed my throat and impaled myself down to his root. I placed both my magically enhanced hands on his sac.

He seemed so surprised that he shouted again and I could feel thick hot ropes of his release sliding down the back of my throat. The fingers in my hair pulled even harder and I couldn't work myself free of him without losing some hair in the process. He finally came to his senses and I was able to pull away and gasp to catch my breath.

"I'm sorry, Lucy. That was just so.. I mean, you're very surprising."

"I hope in a good way," I said.

"Are all the women in your world so freed of inhibition," he asked when his breath returned.

I shook my head. "No, I think it often comes with age. You stop caring so much what others think and act how you like. Although in my world women, in my culture, discovered that sex was just as much for their enjoyment as it was for men's. So that might make us different. Of course, I'm also more than halfway convinced I'm insane and imagining all this so that tends to make it easy to put any inhibitions aside."

He sighed. "Still you believe that?"

"This is just so... improbable."

"Is this improbable?" he asked as he took my nipple in his mouth and I felt a searing heat that had to be magic and his other hand, coated in icy blue vapors, pinched my other nipple.

"Oh Maker!" I babbled. Somehow I remembered the right deity to call upon. "Highly unlikely..." I squeaked. He switched his hand and mouth and the other nipple went hot. I was balancing on the knife-edge of pain and pleasure and the scale tipped dramatically towards pleasure when his hand found my nub again and I felt an icy cold finger rub around it. He stopped after a few moments and his finger worked inside me.

"Maker, you are soaking, Lucy." He pulled his finger out of me and held it up for me to see. I pulled it to my mouth and sensuously sucked my own arousal. The cold finger made my lips tingle. He growled, obviously stimulated by seeing what I did, and he replaced his finger with his mouth. He pushed me onto my back.

"And this? Is this so improbable, Lucy?" he gathered my legs under his hands and pushed himself against my entrance and slowly eased himself within me, just barely. He was of a typical size but Elissa was tight. I whimpered, half in pleasure, half in pain as her channel widened to accommodate him... My channel... I reminded myself.

"Go slowly, lover," I warned him. "I think Elissa might not have been a virgin, but she wasn't accustomed to this."

"You are... tight." He said, panting. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead and then dangled from the tip of his nose. He finally lodged himself fully within me and exhaled. "How does it feel?" he asked.

"Like there's an overgrown zucchini inside me."

He looked at me in puzzlement.

"A very large vegetable," I said. "Not that you compare to a vegetable in any way," I said hoping he didn't misunderstand me. "It's just, I feel impossibly stretched."

"Can I move my zucchini?" he asked.

I laughed. "Yes. But gently, please."

He pulled out slowly and then went back not quite as slowly. I gave a little yelp in pain. He frowned at me a moment and then said, "Maybe this would help." His hand went blue again and he used it to rub against my nub. It did help. Something about the pleasure overloaded the pain circuitry.

"Yes, that works," I said pushing against him. "Move your zucchini," I giggled.

And he did. He looked gratefully at me and began to thrust regularly. He adjusted my hips under him and his thrusts began to contact a particularly pleasing spot. I was starting to glaze over, drifting closer to climax when his hand pulled away. He need both hands to hold onto me and keep his balance. But after a moment I felt an electrical tingling deep within me and it jolted me to the cliff edge and then over. I was poised there, balancing on nothing, like Wile E. Coyote realizing he was about to plummet to the bottom of a deep canyon, and then I did fall. I surged up against him and wailed something incomprehensible as my short fingernails dug into his biceps.

He must have been experiencing the same because I realized the last few thrusts were arrhythmic and he shouted my name. My name... not Elissa's name... and he collapsed against me.

We lay like that for a few minutes. Our sweat commingling and our hearts pounding like a percussion ensemble. He grunted and rolled off me, onto his side, and pulled me close to him.

"Still improbable?" he asked.

"Impossible," I told him. "I'm clearly raving mad. And if not, then you've completely ruined me for making love with non-magical men."

"That was the idea, sweet Lucy," he said kissing my hair. He pulled my blankets up around us and I fell asleep with the lyrics of Heart's "Magic Man" running through my head.


	6. The King and I

**_Loghain Looms Large_**

I awoke the next morning, still wrapped in Bendrick's arms. Fifty two year old women should not get butterflies in their stomachs and weak knees over men, but Bendrick had done exactly that to me and I was feeling a little embarrassed over it. Perhaps it was the heady concoction of a 20 year old's hormones running through my body. Whatever, it was turning my head to mush.

His green eyes were already open and looking into mine. How had I missed their unusual color yesterday? He kissed me softly. "Good morning, beautiful Lucy," he said. I sighed and melted into him, wanting to prolong this. He pulled the blankets off us and the chilly morning air rudely intruded on my half-asleep moment and I groaned.

"We should get up, before Duncan comes after us," he said. "I'm going to get an earful from him already, I'm sure."

"For sleeping with me?" I asked.

"Yes, he probably thinks I took advantage of your vulnerable state."

I laughed. "Do I seem vulnerable, really?"

He laughed with me. "No, you seem like you own this place."

His comment made me laugh harder.

"I don't suppose there's a bathtub around, is there?" I asked.

He shook his head. "But there's a stream nearby and you've got a mage handy to heat the water." He threw on his robe and he dug through Elissa's belongings until he found one for me and a bar of soap.

"Grab your armor," he said.

I picked it up and followed him. We walked a ways until it seemed we had a secluded spot and then he cast a spell on the water and pulled his robe off. I did the same. We walked into the water and it was quite comfortable. He took the bar of soap and lathered me up, spending an inordinate amount of time between my legs.

"Are you sore today?" he asked.

"A little, nothing serious," I told him.

His hand went between my legs and a blue light spilled from his hand. I immediately felt the soreness go away.

He sighed and let go of me. "I'm getting distracted and we'd better finish our bath and meet up with Duncan."

I was a little disappointed, I was already rather aroused. I plunged my head under the water to get my hair wet and he lathered it up with the soap. After I rinsed it I realized it was going to be a horror to untangle. I tried to take the bar of soap from him to lather him up, but he refused to let me have it.

"If you so much as touch me, Lucy, I'm going to have to ravish you and we're already late."

I could see he meant it, he was quite hard.

"I thought mages were masters at the quick tryst?" I said. "Or was that a bit of bravado?" I couldn't help but taunt him a little.

He growled and leapt at me, splashing me and pulling me close to him. "You're a terrible minx." I wrapped my legs around him and he plunged inside me. It did hurt but I felt the electrical current emanating from him almost immediately and it sent me to the precipice almost immediately. He thrust into me a half dozen times, then I felt that electrical charge again and we both went hurtling into the abyss. My mouth was clamped onto his shoulder, biting so that I wouldn't scream and his fingers were digging into my hips.

"Maker! That was fast," I breathed. He let go of me and I sank back into the water, unsure my legs would support me.

"I told you," he said, smirking. "Well, if we're going to be late, we might as well be very late."

I nodded. "What do we do for towels?"

"Towels?" he asked. "Maybe they are different in your world."

"Soft, fluffy, absorbent, use them to dry off when you're wet?"

He sighed wistfully. "No, sorry. We use linen sheets. However, when you're with a mage..."

I grinned. "Your sort are far too useful to keep locked away in a Tower." A tornado of warm air wrapped around us both. The only draw back was it made a complete bird's nest out of my hair.

Bendrick helped me to dress and we figured out together how to put on my armor but it took a fair amount of time. Bendrick tried to comb his finger through my unruly hair but it insisted on sticking up, poking out and generally misbehaving. We walked back to the encampment and Duncan was pacing obviously looking for us.

"Ah, there you are. I nearly sent out a search party." He lead us over to the table set up for dining. Most of the Wardens had already eaten. A plate heaped with food was set before me.

"Duncan, I don't think she is hearing a word you're saying," Bendrick said. "You might want to wait until she is finished eating."

I did hear, sort of. I grunted in agreement with Bendrick. There was no way I could concentrate on anything but the food in front of me. It disappeared quickly and I wiped the mess off my face with a satisfied sigh.

Duncan looked amused at my feeding frenzy. "You missed some," he pointed to his left cheek, near his mouth. I wiped at it.

I sighed, "What I wouldn't give for a mirror."

"I was saying, today we'll concentrate on what you need to know about darkspawn and we'll do some sparring. It seemed like your body remembered what it was supposed to do but I suppose there will be a transition for your mind to catch up. Your style also changed. Have you had some training?"

"Some," I said. "Training in martial arts, focusing on unarmed combat, is popular where I'm from. The focus is to use your opponent's force against them. It seems that Elissa's body is able to integrate that knowledge better than I ever was."

"All right, we'll have Bendrick tell you about what mages can do in battle and after that Alistair and I will brief you on fighting darkspawn. Then we'll do some sparring."

I nodded.

"Enjoy your tea. Bendrick and I need to talk a moment."

I glanced over at Bendrick and he sent me a look that said, "I told you so." I watched the two men speak. Duncan didn't look angry, but I think the only time I saw him look that way was at me when I was flirting with Cailan. I saw Bendrick shrug. Then Duncan clapped Bendrick on the shoulder and they came back to me. I debated mentioning the 500 pound gorilla in the room but decided not to, just in case what they had discussed had nothing to do with Bendrick and me.

Bendrick sat at the table with me and continued his lecturing there. When Duncan left I asked him if Duncan had said anything about us.

"Yes, mostly just to remind me that my first duty was to educate you on what you need to survive."

"And your second duty?"

"I think he's leaving that one up to me," he said, his eyes glinting with humor.

"Very well, then. I'm all yours. For your first duty, of course. Then later, for the second duty, if you wish."

He groaned. "Oh, I wish. I wish! But stop that talk, woman. I have to teach you things."

"Go on then, I've been enjoying your lessons immensely." I couldn't help myself.

"You're making this hard," he complained.

"Hmmm, that sounds like a second duty matter."

"Shush, Lucy. Your survival depends on us covering as much of this as we can." Bendrick got serious with me.

I nodded and promised to keep my mouth shut.

Bendrick talked for an hour or so, telling me about things mages could do, other than what he had demonstrated yesterday. He also spoke about darkspawn mages and I understood finally why one should kill them first. When he finished his briefing he gestured Alistair over.

"You're to take over now, Al. I'll go find Duncan."

Benedrick leaned over and planted a quick kiss on the top of my head. I saw Alistair's eyebrows rise in surprise. I watched Bendrick leave, amazed at how quickly I seemed to have fallen head over heels for him.

I turned back to Alistair and smiled at him. He actually blushed when I smiled at him.

"Well, I suppose we should go over the different types of darkspawn," he said.

I nodded and paid close attention as he described them. The ogres sounded absolutely terrifying and I was beginning to doubt if I would actually survive my first battle. That made me even gladder I had slept with Bendrick. If I was going to die in this... world, hallucination, fantasy, or whatever it was, at least I'd been laid in an epic fashion and could die a sexually satisfied woman.

Duncan joined us and they talked with me for another hour. Then it was time to spar. Alistair was to be my partner. I was nervous. Especially as the other Wardens started to gather. Duncan took me aside and suggested I try not to think too much, just let my body react naturally. I nodded grimly, hoping I could actually do that.

We were given blunted weapons and Alistair charged me. I somehow got out of the way and took a clumsy swipe at him with my dagger. He easily parried me and then he slammed into me with his shield and I went flying several feet and landed on my butt.

Suddenly my mortality loomed over me. I clearly didn't have the slightest idea what I was doing. I saw some of the Wardens exchanging worried glances. Their looks said that the girl couldn't pull her weight, she'd be a liability, someone they'd have to protect. It stung my pride. I apologized to Elissa and promised her I'd do better. I didn't want to let down the women of this world. A little fire built up in my gut. When I got up and dusted off my bottom, I crouched, my weapons ready, my pride wounded, and a chip on shoulder, straight from the 1970's Equal Rights movement. _"Yomshimi battles the pink robots"_ played in my head.

_Her name is Yoshimi_  
_ she's a black belt in karate_  
_ working for the city_  
_ she has to discipline her body_

I beckoned Alistair to come at me again and he did. This time my mind got out of the way of my body. I twisted out of the way, and unbalanced him with a counter-attack. Then a leg sweep took him down. He rolled away and was up quickly. I heard the Wardens clamoring excitedly. I was fighting in a way they'd never seen before.

_'Cause she knows that_  
_ it's demanding_  
_ to defeat those evil machines_  
_ I know she can beat them_

He came at me again quickly and nearly clipped me with his shield. I was growing very cautious of his shield arm, there seemed little I could do with my daggers. But when he attacked with his longsword, I had more options. I caught it with my daggers and slid in close and used an elbow to strike his face, not hard however. It did take him by surprise and he was off-balance and vulnerable to me using my hip as a lever and throwing him to the ground in a judo move.

_Oh Yoshimi, they don't believe me_  
_ but you won't let those robots eat me_  
_ Yoshimi, they don't believe me_  
_ but you won't let those robots defeat me_

The background chatter was getting louder. I looked up and saw that sour faced man from the meeting... Loghain? He was standing a ways off watching our match. Then I saw Cailan stride up and stand next to him, the sun glinting golden off his armor, watching me closely. Oh dear, I had forgotten about that mess.

I waited for Alistair to get up. "Good one," he said.

_Those evil-natured robots_  
_ they're programmed to destroy us_  
_ she's gotta be strong to fight them_  
_ so she's taking lots of vitamins_

This time I attacked and got clipped on the shoulder with his shield. It hurt like hell and I dropped a dagger when my hand went numb. Truthfully, it felt freeing. Now I could use my hand. He stopped thinking about my unarmed hand because he didn't believe it was a threat. But I proved him wrong a few moments later when I jabbed my stiff fingers into a pressure point. He dropped his shield.

"Why don't we do this unarmed," I suggested. The music running through my head kept my attention focused and my mind free of interfering with what Elissa's body was trying to do.

_Yoshimi, they don't believe me_  
_ but you won't let those robots eat me_

Alistair nodded and dropped his sword and I dropped my remaining dagger.

I waited to see what he would do. He charged me, his arms wide, like he was tackling a linebacker. I spun out of his charge and then grasped his wrist and used his momentum to make him fall forward. I leapt on his back and demonstrated a downward strike to his neck with my elbow. One that would certainly break it.

Elissa's body was taking to my training like a fish to water. I was amazed at her abilities. I helped Alistair up. He was looking rather red-faced.

"I am useless against your shield, I'm afraid," I admitted to him. "It seems like all I can do is just get out of the way."

Duncan walked over and joined us. "That was impressive, Elissa, but truthfully, you'll rarely find yourself fighting an unarmed opponent."

Duncan worked with me for awhile to teach me how to deal with a shield and I found myself improving quickly. It was like finding a misplaced word. Elissa knew these things but I couldn't quite integrate them until I was reminded.

Duncan sparred with me awhile next and that drew even more onlookers. He was better than me, I could tell right away. But Elissa learned quickly from the experience and after a few rounds I felt it was evening out a bit. He wasn't at all used to my contribution to Elissa's style and I was able to sweep him a few times, until he caught on. Once I managed to disarm him and I threw down my own daggers. I used Wing Chun moves to trap his fists. It was such a strange, close-in fighting style with small movements that it puzzled all the bystanders. He shook his head and laughed when I had his hands completely trapped against his own chest.

"You are a tricky woman, Elissa."

I smiled, glad to finally hear someone call me a woman instead of girl.

During our next round the dinner bell sounded and like Pavlov's dog I started to salivate and my stomach suddenly growled fiercely. I lost my concentration and Duncan had his dagger against my throat.

"I was defeated by the dinner bell," I admitted.

Duncan frowned. "You can't let your concentration waver, even though your appetite seems unstoppable, you can't let it distract you."

I nodded, knowing he was absolutely right.

"Come on, one more time. Ignore it."

I pushed my hunger away and accounted for myself much better, even though he won again.

"That's better," he said. "You did well, Elissa."

I later learned that was high praise coming from Duncan.

I decided to try to control my feeding frenzy this time. I still ate fast but I was able to pay attention to the people around me and answer questions. Someone asked me how I learned to fight the way I did and I was about to make something up when Duncan answered for me.

"You said you leaned from your father's soldiers didn't you? And the unusual style you learned from a Qunari who traveled through Ferelden, right?"

I nodded. "Yes, he often passed through Highever and he found I was an eager pupil." I hoped I could keep track of this story.

"What do you have planned for me this afternoon?" I asked Duncan.

He was about to answer when a young man ran up to him. "Message from King Cailan, Ser." I looked at the young man and realized he had pointed ears. He was an elf! I tried not to stare. He was a rather handsome lad. Then I wondered how old he was, perhaps he was fully grown. I would have to ask Bendrick. I looked around the table for Bendrick, he was towards the end of the table. He saw me looking at him and he smiled at me. Some of the men around him saw the look we exchanged and I could tell they were ribbing him.

Duncan read the note before answering me. "It appears you're to meet with King Cailan this afternoon to discuss the events at Castle Cousland." He looked at me with concern and spoke to me in a low voice. "I wouldn't assume this is his only motivation, Elissa."

I groaned and rubbed my hand over my forehead. "I've made a huge mess of this."

"I would go with you but his note makes it clear you're to come alone." He frowned. "Do you think you can handle this on your own? We don't want to alienate him. He's the only reason Loghain hasn't ejected us from Ferelden. He listens to us, Loghain fights our influence on every level."

"Are you suggesting that I sleep with him?" I whispered.

"I think I mentioned before that the Blight is our most important duty..."

"... and if it means sleeping with the King then that's doing my duty?" I asked, shocked at what he was implying.

"You seem like an experienced woman, Elissa, couldn't you just... evade him artfully?"

"I'm also a very blunt and direct woman. I'm not sure the King's ego would care for that."

"I'll leave the matter to your judgment," he said.

I knew what that meant. I'd made my bed, now I had to sleep in it... literally. It would be funny if it weren't so not-funny. I looked down the table at Bendrick. This time my eyes weren't happy when they met his.

...

I walked reluctantly to Cailan's tent, not sure exactly how I was going to extract myself from my implied promises of the prior day. As I passed one large tent I heard footsteps crunching in the gravel behind me and I turned to look. Loghain was behind me and glowering at me, obviously trying to catch up to me. I stopped to wait for him. I thought he was going to walk right through me, but he did finally stop, invading my personal space in a manner that was clearly meant to intimidate me.

Intimidate me? What did he think I was, some young, sheltered girl who hadn't stood up to bullies for long as he had been one?

I stood my ground, waiting for him to speak first. I knew the value of a strategic silence. He loomed over me and tried to use his height to intimidate me further. I was tall, for a woman, but I had to look up to meet his glacial eyes. I was instantly reminded, of photos from a National Geographic of the clear, frigid blues of arctic ice. I lifted a brow to form an unspoken query. He merely deepened his scowl in return. The silent standoff seemed to carry on for an eternity. I was ready to turn around and continue my walk when he finally broke the silence.

"Where do you imagine you're going, Warden?"

"I have been summoned to speak to the King, Teyrn Loghain, about the attack on my family's castle," I said, my eyes never leaving his.

Loghain scoffed at me. "Yes, I'll bet. I saw how you flirted with him yesterday. What are you hoping to gain, girl? Do you imagine that you're going to convince him to set aside his wife for you or are you after a royal bastard?"

I was stuck for a response. I couldn't exactly deny how I had acted at the meeting and how Cailan had responded and I certainly couldn't explain that I thought the meeting was a sex dream that just wasn't getting going. But why did Loghain care so much if his King had a romp?

"Cailan would never set aside Anora for you," he said.

Ah! Then I remembered. The Queen was Loghain's daughter. Of course he'd be rightfully angry if he thought I was on my way to seduce the King. Perhaps I could use Loghain's fatherly instincts to defeat Cailan's interest in me.

"Despite what you believe you may have seen yesterday, I assure you bedding your son-in-law is not in my plans." I was congratulating myself on a slickly executed evasion when he grabbed my wrist, crushing it in his armored hand. It hurt! I wasn't about to show any sign of weakness in front of him.

"Listen," I hissed, "I'm not insensible to the King's interest in me but I'm simply not interested." I moved the arm he was gripping in a fast downward fashion and he lost hold of the death grip on my wrist. One of the martial arts moves I remembered.

"I think our interests coincide in this, Teyrn. I can't exactly turn down a royal summons but a well-timed interruption would work to both our benefits." A stray breeze blew some of Elissa's unruly hair into my face. I pushed it behind my ear.

Loghain's scowl slowly turned to a look of amusement as he stared at my neck. His armor clad finger reached out to touch a spot on my neck. "Ah, now I understand. Someone else has laid their claim on you."

I felt all my advantages dissolve with the discovery of a hickey on my neck. Damn not having a mirror!

"I am not _claimed_! You make me sound like a piece of luggage on a carousel." I couldn't take the words back after they spilled out.

The Teyrn looked very puzzled, of course. "What?"

"It's... never mind," I said impatiently. "Look, are you in agreement with my plan or not? Give me a few minutes to talk to the King about the attack on Castle Cousland and then you can engineer an interruption that will get him busy with something else?"

"Why don't you just tell him you're not interested?" Loghain asked, the sneer coming back.

"Is he the sort that would care about my opinion on the matter?" I asked. I remembered women in my world often had little choice in these matters.

"I'll do it," he said gruffly. "How do you plan to stay out of his tent in the future?"

"I'll figure something out," I said.

"Then, go on. Don't waste the King's time, girl," Loghain said. His sneer was gone and his look held faint amusement. I nearly rounded on him to scold him for calling me a girl but then I remembered I was, sort of. However, I was scowling at him with my last look and it seemed to spark his amusement even more. What an insufferable old fart!

I went to the King's tent and the guard showed me in.

"Lady Cousland!" the King said. He surged to his feet and grasped my hand and kissed it, lingering rather long over my knuckles. I felt a hint of his tongue running over the webbing between my fingers. He finally let go of my hand and I bowed.

"Your Majesty," I said, "you wanted to discuss my family's misfortunes?"

"Can we dispense with the formalities, Elissa? Just call me Cailan, please." He took me by the hand and seated me on a richly appointed sofa. I wondered why a King would travel with such creature comforts in a time of war but then I thought of Air Force One and decided I couldn't be too critical.

Cailan sat down next to me, rather too close for comfort. He kept hold of my hand. "I saw you sparring with Duncan and Alistair, you were marvelous," he enthused. "Where did you learn to fight like that?"

"I trained with my father's soldiers and my brother, and a Qunari who passed through Highever from time to time."

"You were glorious, like a warrior queen from the tales of old," his eyes sparkled.

"I don't know. I took quite a few knocks," I said. "You missed Alistair knocking me on my behind a few times."

"That's an nasty bruise on your neck." His finger reached out and traced it. "Does it hurt?"

I flinched away from him. "I'm afraid so," I lied.

"I'll have a mage attend to it," he said, rising.

"No, don't bother. We have one at the camp. When I return he can fix it." Or give me another one. I laughed internally.

"Cailan, I wanted to discuss Rendon's Howe attack," I said, needing to get him back to the important topic. I felt I owed Elissa her revenge over what happened to her family.

Cailan shook his head. "I can't imagine what got into him. Tell me all about it." He scooted even closer to me, I'm sure ready to offer his shoulder for me to cry on.

I tried to remember everything Duncan had told me. "Howe's troops were supposed to march with ours to Ostagar but they were delayed, he said. He encouraged my father to send my brother with the majority of the troops and my father would remain behind to march with Howe when his troops arrived."

Cailan nodded. "There, there, it'll be all right, sweet Elissa." He acted like I was distraught, which I wasn't.

"Howe's men attacked in the middle of the night after my brother left with most of our soldiers. Our solders held them off until my mother and I could get to the secret exit. We found my father there, he had been stabbed and was bleeding to death. Duncan found us and promised to take my mother and I to safety. My mother refused to leave my father and she covered our escape. I assume she died with him."

The tale truly was tragic and imagining poor Elissa losing her parents in such a brutal way did make me tear up. "They slaughtered everyone they came across. My brother's wife and young son, all the guests and servants, even our hounds."

Cailan put his arm around me and bent my head down to his shoulder. "Oh Elissa. I am so sorry. I swear I will bring Rendon Howe to justice for what he's done and your lands will be restored to you and your brother."

"Thank you, Cailan." I tried to lift my head off his shoulder, but his hand was pinning my head to his shoulder.

"Elissa, I..." he looked to be about to kiss me when there was a commotion outside the tent.

I prayed it was Loghain with his diversion.

"Your Majesty, Teyrn Loghain wants to speak with you immediately." His guard addressed him from outside.

"Tell Loghain to come back later, I'm busy right now," Cailan said.

"Don't bother. I heard him," I heard Loghain's voice say from outside. He pushed the flap aside and Cailan released me and I sprang up, freed from his embrace.

Loghain's scowl took me in and I smiled at him and winked ever so slightly to let him know his timing had been perfect. "There's been an important new development with the darkspawn," he told the King. "We need to review our strategy."

"I will leave you two to it, then." I bowed quickly to Cailan. "Thank you for hearing me out, Your Majesty." I nodded to Loghain and left. I heard Cailan's voice calling after me. "We'll talk later, Elissa." I cringed and tried not to run back to the Grey Warden encampment.

I ran into Bendrick immediately.

"What is it, Lucy?" he asked, noting my agitation.

"King Cailan has taken a fancy to me," I said.

"I saw him watching you sparring," Bendrick said. "He did seem rather rapt."

I pulled Bendrick away to a place we could talk privately and I told him my concerns and how it seemed that Duncan was encouraging me to sleep with him. I also told him of how I convinced Loghain to intervene.

Bendrick sighed. "Duncan is rather devoted to the cause. I think he would ask his mother to sleep with the King if he thought it would help us."

"It is my fault, I suppose." I told him how I had flirted when I had been convinced I was dreaming.

Bendrick laughed. "It really is rather funny if you think about it. You thought all this was just a sex dream?"

"It seemed likely at the time. Nothing else was making sense. I'm not at all sure how to handle this. Elissa probably would have known but I know nothing."

"You ran off before I could heal you after your sparring. You took some blows I should fix." He changed the subject suddenly.

I nodded. "My left shoulder is a mess and my arms are bruised and... I have this bruise on my neck that I think I had before the sparring match."

Bendrick nodded. "Indeed, I liked seeing my mark on you."

"It's probably just as well you did, it convinced Loghain to help me."

Bendrick laughed. "It warded off a few Wardens too, I'll wager." He healed my sore shoulder and arms and when he was about to erase the bruise on my neck, I pushed his hand away.

"Leave it," I said. "It has been useful."

"I can always make a new one tonight," he said.

"Oh, all right then," I said cheerfully. He erased the mark, then looked around to see if we were observed and he kissed me.

"Bendrick...I," I sighed heavily. "I don't want to sleep with King Cailan but if your world is anything like my world was then I may have no choice. It's either that or else I knock him out and run away and I can't imagine that would go well for me or the Wardens. I'm utterly uninterested in being with anyone but you."

Bendrick looked at me sadly. "I know, sweetling. I have little right to claim you but I do find my heart aches to think of you with another man. Knowing it is unwilling eases my pain. Just promise me you'll think of me and come back to me not hating all men for what he has done."

I couldn't help myself, his sweet understanding made me burst into tears. He pulled me to him and I felt some sort of magic that was soothing and invigorating roll over me like a wave. I didn't want to let go of him but I knew our privacy was unlikely to hold forever. I pulled away regretfully. "I'd better go find Duncan," I said.

He nodded. "I'll go with you."

Duncan looked at me with curiosity when I returned. "How did the meeting go?"

"It went well. I found an unexpected ally in Teyrn Loghain. He arranged a timely distraction."

He looked concerned and rubbed his beard, thinking. "Be careful, Elissa, Loghain is convinced that we're in cahoots with the Orlesians. He is a unlikely to truly be an ally."

I shrugged. "He feared I was out to displace his daughter or conceive a royal bastard. I pointed out that a timely interruption would not be unwelcomed by me."

Duncan nodded. "It seems you may have some of Elissa's subtlety for politics after all."

I smiled. "I've watched enough of the liars for many years to know how they operate. There is a saying in my world, _'Politics makes strange bedfellows'._ It did in this case."

"I have a plan for keeping you away from Cailan for at least awhile. I'm going to send some Wardens into the Wilds and I'd like you to go. It'll give you an opportunity to see darkspawn first hand without being in too much danger. Elissa had that opportunity already, but you're unblooded as yet. The battle will be tomorrow afternoon and it would be best if you've met the enemy before you see a horde of them."

I nodded, my brow creasing. My mortality crossed my mind again and my utter inexperience with killing things, and tomorrow I was going into battle?

"Bendrick, get Alistair and Ranulf they'll join you in the Wilds. You'll return before lunch tomorrow. There's a last meeting after lunch and Cailan has requested Elissa come for that meeting. There's nothing I can do to prevent that, I'm sorry."

I told Duncan I understood and I turned to Bendrick. "I take it we need to pack?"

"I'll help you with it," Bendrick offered, "after I've spoken with the others."

"Thank you, I'll go to my tent."

Bendrick did help me. My belongings, tent and bedroll made a tremendous amount of stuff to carry. Bendrick helped me figure out which things to leave behind. I understood why Bendrick was in such good shape after it was all loaded onto me.

Ranulf was let in on my secret and I could see he was looking at me with much curiosity after Duncan briefed him. As we trekked into the Wilds he peppered me with questions about my world.

"I think, Ran, we're supposed to be teaching her about this world, not the other way around." Alistair said. "Ask us any questions you have, Elissa."

I decided I needed to get a better idea of the role of women in this world. It was not as hopeless as my own world had been during what I judged was a similar time period. Indeed, during the Orlesian occupation women had played a large role in fighting the usurper. They owned land, had a voice in the Landsmeet. There were traditional roles but plenty of examples of women breaking out of such roles.

What seemed to be the real issue was that elves were the second class citizens in the country. Bendrick told me of the squalor and poverty they lived in and how nobility viewed them as little more than clever servants and sometimes treated them as their property.

"They sound like little better than slaves," I said, scowling.

"They were slaves but Andraste freed them," Alistair said. "They fought beside her."

"And then humans did what, virtually enslaved them again?" I asked. My righteous dander was up. I would fight for equal rights for elves, if I survived. It occurred to me I was in a unique position to do so, the daughter of nobility speaking out. I envisioned peaceful protest marches, civil disobedience, perhaps an underground railroad to help the elves escape that needed to.

I was deep in thought when my head began to buzz. I stopped in my tracks and whispered. "Something is wrong."

Ranulf flashed a smile at me. "That's another side effect of your Joining, sister. You're sensing darkspawn." He pointed to a rise not far in front of us. "Over that rise, there are a half dozen."

"You can tell all that?" I whispered.

"Yes, you'll be able to also when you're more experienced."

I put down my pack like the men were doing and got my daggers out. Ranulf fought with a two-handed weapon.

"Let Alistair attract their attention first. They should focus on him. Then you and I will quickly dispatch one and move onto the next. If there are mages, and there aren't, they should die first. Next archers. After that we can attend to any meleers."

I nodded my understanding. A feeling of sick excitement rising in my stomach. When it came time to battle pink robots did Yoshimi feel like she was going to barf? Bendrick squeezed my hand, which was sweating.

"You're going to be fine," he said. I felt that wave of soothing energy he had cast on me earlier. It took a little of the edge off my nerves.

Alistair counted to three quietly and we charged up the rise. They made a fierce battle cry as they charged into the pack of darkspawn. I would have, but my throat was busy making a quiet whimpering sound.

Fortunately Elissa's body took over as my mind more or less shut down. I felt like I was watching someone else as I whirled out of the way of swinging swords and cut throats. I felt an arrow pierce my thigh but it barely slowed me. I just continued to follow Ranulf's lead and killing whatever he was swinging at. Or at least, Elissa's body did that... it is extremely confusing to refer to myself as "I" in that battle when I felt like my mind wasn't really even involved.

When the battle ended my mind returned from it's odd perspective. I was gripped with overwhelming nausea from the stress hormones and adrenaline. I turned away from the others and vomited.

"You did very well, Elissa," Alistair told me. He clapped me on the back. "I did that too, when I first saw darkspawn."

Ranulf congratulated me too and pointed out I had an arrow in my leg.

I limped over to Bendrick. Amazed, actually, at how little the arrow through my thigh seemed to affect me. Another Grey Warden perk?

"Well done, Lucy!" he hugged me. "Let's get that arrow out," he had me sit. "This is going to hurt," he said.

"I've seen this in cowboy movies. Shouldn't you give me stick to bite on and get me drunk on whiskey first?"

"It'll be over before you know it. It's okay if you scream."

Being okay to scream were not the encouraging words I was hoping to hear, and I was about to mention that when he pulled the arrow out and I did scream. I saw blood bubbling out of the hole in my armor and I passed out.

When I awoke there were three faces looking down at me. "Are you okay?" Ranulf asked and helped me to sit.

"I... feel fine actually," I said, smiling at Bendrick. "You're amazing."

Bendrick smiled, his eyebrow arching. "I'm glad you think so."

"I'm sorry I'm so wimpy. I'm just not used to it. Where I'm from, the only thing I get stuck in me regularly is a tiny needle for a flu shot."

I stood up and we all walked back to where we had left our packs. We slung them on and resumed our trek.

We had started our trek late in the day so we didn't go too far before we had to make camp. Bendrick helped me set up my tent. He hadn't brought one so I assumed we would be sharing mine. At least, I hoped so. Alistair set up a tent too. Apparently he and Ranulf were sharing one. Ranulf disappeared for awhile and returned with several rabbits and started to skin them.

I asked if there was a stream nearby. I was sweaty, bloody and frankly we all smelled rather rank. Although rank smelling people seemed normal, I still couldn't tolerate it for myself. Ranulf pointed me towards a nearby source of clean water. Bendrick came with me and I bathed in comfort again. I didn't have to goad Bendrick into a quickie this time. In fact, three of them. We only stopped when I got a whiff of meat cooking and realized my hunger was out-voting my libido.

We sat around the camp fire and ate rabbit. Half-charred, half-raw. It tasted divine as it seemed all food did. Appetite, it would seem, was the best sauce. After our meal I asked about ogres. The description of them had terrified me. How could a human possibly fight one? It seemed like attacking an elephant with a butter-knife. They described how they had battled ogres and what their weaknesses were. I felt a little better but I still dreaded seeing one.

When we retired to our tent Bendrick insisted on brushing the tangles out of my mop of curly auburn hair. He seemed to enjoy it and his touch was gentle. When he came across a particularly nasty tangle he used magic to untangle it.

"You should braid it," he suggested. Then it'll stay out of your way and it won't get so tangled. "Do you know how to braid hair?"

I nodded. "Yes, that I can do. But how do you secure the braid? We have elastic bands." I had to launch into a description about elastic and plastics but he finally understood.

"You can tie it with a leather thong." He rummaged around in my pack looking for one and he found several. "But leave it down tonight. I like to run my fingers through it." Then he kissed me and demonstrated.

We laid down together and he showed me how mages make love in absolute silence, other than the slapping of flesh and heavy breathing, by paralyzing their vocal chords. It was an odd experience but one I was willing to recreate several more times. I finally felt well and truly sated and I fell asleep in his arms until Ranulf poked his head into our tent and coughed.

"It's time for your watch, lovebirds."

"Watch?" I asked sleepily, sitting up and forgetting about my nudity. "Oh!" I said when it occurred to me that having everyone sound asleep while darkspawn were around was probably a poor idea. It also occurred to me that I was nude and I clutched the blanket to my chest.

I heard Ranulf chuckle in the dark. Oh well, I supposed modesty in the Grey Wardens was going to be limited. I shook Bendrick to wake him and we got dressed with only a little wisp light. I could barely put on my own armor in broad daylight, I didn't think I could do it in the dark. So I put on my cotton leggings and top and went out to the fire to finish dressing.

Ranulf watched me struggle with the armor and he helped me, explaining all the trappings I was dressing myself in.

"It is strange that you fight so well and naturally and yet you can't even dress yourself in your own armor."

"Tell me about it. I sometimes feel utterly helpless in this world. I can imagine you'd be just as lost in mine."

Bendrick emerged from our tent to see Ranulf help me with the last of my armor. "Go to bed, Ran, Alistair is probably lonely."

We spent our watch talking quietly. I explained telephones and electrical lights and began to tell him about democracy when the sun came up and it was time have breakfast and pack. We ran into another group of darkspawn a bigger number this time. I handled myself better. I still seemed to view my body from a distance while Elissa fought but I had a few moments when I could notice things and felt almost like I could have my mind give my body some direction. I had a few cuts and bruises but no arrows this time.

We went on awhile longer and were about to turn back when I was overwhelmed by that feeling of "something bad". It nearly flung me to the ground it was so strong.

"Maker's breath!" Alistair swore. "We must be near the horde."

"Let's get out of here," Ranulf said. It was all I could do not to run as fast as my legs would carry me.

Back at the camp I found Cailan standing with the Grey Wardens and he strode to me when he saw me return.

"Elissa! Thank the Maker you're safe," he caught me up in a hug, pressing me against his plate mail. I shot a look of pure misery to Bendrick, thinking a dampen ardor spell, if there were such a thing, would be very useful.

Duncan rushed up and I pulled away from Cailan's enthusiastic embrace. "We need the scouts to assemble in my tent for a briefing," he told Cailan.

Cailan nodded. "Of course! May I join you?"

Duncan nodded.

I put my pack down and walked with my fellow scouts to Duncan's tent. We were joined by Duncan and Cailan moments later. Ranulf explained how we came across the horde, where it was, as well as our two small skirmishes.

"The horde is coming closer," Cailan said.

Duncan nodded in agreement. "There's no putting this off now," he said.

"We'll meet at noon again then to go over the finalized plan," Cailan said. He looked at me a moment. "Your neck is injured again, Elissa. Your healer should attend to that."

I said nothing although I felt everyone's eyes on me. After Duncan and Cailan left Ranulf chuckled. "You've got quite a problem there, Elissa. The King is so smitten with you he can't even recognize when a bruise is a hickey."


	7. Loghain's Rotten Plan

******Single Point of Failure**

After lunch I realized my time with Bendrick before the battle was probably going to be very limited. It suddenly dawned on me that we might never see each other again. I didn't know whether what I was feeling was any sort of real enduring love or the result of a twenty year old woman's hormones running through my body, but I knew I had managed to get very attached to Bendrick in the very few days we had been together.

I went to the meeting with Alistair and Duncan and listened as Loghain and the King argued back and forth. Cailan played the _'I am the King'_ card a few times but Loghain seemed uncowed by it. _Good for him, _I thought. Everything in Loghain's manner said he thought the King was a snot-nosed brat and I couldn't help but agree. Loghain managed to spare a few cycles to glower at me as Cailan beamed at me. I wondered how much of Cailan's posturing was for my benefit.

I did manage to make a gesture with my hand on my neck to draw Loghain's attention to the mark there and I saw something like humor ease his scowl.

Then the great plan of the brilliant strategists unwound - yes, that is sarcasm - Cailan would attack with the Grey Wardens while Loghain would hang back and wait for a signal to be lit in a tower. I immediately saw a problem with the plan. There was a single point of failure: lighting the beacon in the tower. I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. I had seen too many enterprises fail from ignoring this sort of issue.

"Your Majesty, Teyrn," I interrupted, "I'm sorry to interrupt but I just wanted to point something out."

"Yes, Elissa, of course."

Loghain really turned his scowl on me. It was his plan after all.

"There's a single point of failure in this plan. If something should happen and the beacon isn't lit, then the entire strategy could fail. I would recommend a backup signal."

Loghain scoffed. "What's so difficult in lighting a beacon?"

"Nothing, providing nothing unanticipated happens. But my experience warns me that the unanticipated happens all too frequently to be too sure about even such mundane things."

"Your experience? You're barely an adult," Loghain growled at me.

"Loghain, the Warden raises a valid point," Cailan said. "We must make sure the signal is lit. We should send our best to do the task. I'd like Elissa herself to do it... and Alistair. Would that be agreeable, Duncan?"

Oh dear. I had hoped for a moment the King understood but instead he was just "hardening" the single point of failure. It's like having a redundant raid array and then tripping over the single power cord and unplugging the whole thing.

Duncan jumped in before my inner geek could get going on the proper way to do it. "That will be fine, Your Majesty."

I saw Alistair grimace. He clearly wanted to be in the thick of the battle. I was fairly certain I didn't want to be in the thick of battle. I knew what that mass of darkspawn felt like, how it gnawed on my nerve endings. Who could fight when it felt like a legion of pissy grade schools teachers were running their nails down a chalkboard?

Loghain and Cailan then battled about how the beacon should be lit. It seemed like they were going to argue over every minor detail of their flawed plan. Finally Loghain gave in, which I judged was an unusual event, and Alistair and I were tasked with lighting the single point of failure... err... beacon.

The meeting ended and I was turning back to return with Duncan and Alistair when Cailan called after me.

"Elissa, may I talk with you a moment, please?"

I sent a pleading look to Duncan but he just gripped my shoulder and gave me a look that conveyed I should keep a stiff upper lip, do my duty, take one for the Gipper, etc.

"Of course, Your Majesty," I said. Loghain gave me another one of his dangerous looks and I mouthed the word '_help_' to him. How much help would Loghain be since I publicly criticized his plan? He still had a horse in the race though, his daughter, perhaps that would help.

I followed Cailan into his tent and as soon as the tent flap dropped he invaded my personal space. I backed up, angling to keep a good and proper foot and a half between us.

"Elissa," he said, "this might be the last opportunity for me to tell you..."

"Oh nonsense, Your Majesty. You yourself said this was no true Blight, did you not?"

He stepped forward and grabbed my hand pulling me to him. Suddenly I flashed on Pepé Le Pew chasing after Penelope Pussycat. I leaned away from him, he closed in.

"Elissa. Give your King one kiss to take into battle with him. If I fall on the field of battle, I want to have the memory of your sweet lips on mine."

Oh great! Prey on my guilt-ridden mind why don't you? He could die, I suppose. I figured they'd probably protect the King pretty careful but still... So what was a little kiss? I could tell him that I really wasn't interested in him and perhaps he would respect that, but before a battle? A big battle if the feelings I had gotten from the horde in the Wild were accurate. Wouldn't it be cruel?

I closed my eyes and put my lips on his. He put his hand behind my neck and pressed me harder against him. His mouth opened and his tongue played over my lips. I reminded myself I was probably insane and that this kiss really didn't matter in the scheme of things, so why not make it a good one? I opened my mouth and let his tongue in. He was a good kisser and really, a good looking man. Elissa's body responded and I called her a traitor to Bendrick.

He finally released me and I confess my chest was heaving slightly and my cheeks were flushed.I totally blame Elissa's biology. My heart was solidly Bendricks. It was as if even over the immeasurable distance that separated Elissa's consciousness from her body, she could still affect me.

"Your Majesty, I should go and help with preparations," I said. "All will be well in the battle," I said with false bravado. "You will return safely, I am certain."

Cailan's hand went to the end of my braid. "May I wear your token into battle?"

I nodded, not quite certain what me meant. Was he going to lop off my braid? That would be weird. But then I felt him untying the leather thong keeping the braid from unraveling. He tied it to the pommel of his sword.

"When this is over, Elissa. We must speak about the future." He gave me a rather sweet kiss on the forehead.

"Yes, Your Majesty, we must." Although I didn't think he would like what I was going to say. I turned to go and he kissed my hand one last time.

Elissa's traitorous body made me look one last time before I scooted out the tent flap. The sun streamed in through the flap and caught him in a light that made him look even more impossibly golden and shiny.

He'd definitely look good on a coin, I thought.

I walked back to the Grey Warden camp making certain to give Loghain's tent a wide berth. I found Bendrick back at the camp. We went to my tent and sat with our limbs wrapped around each other. I struggled to find words that didn't sound like I was as young as I looked.

"Cailan is sending Alistair and I to light the signal. Alistair is disappointed, I think. He wanted to be in the big battle."

"What about you?" he said.

"I'm not so eager to trust my skills yet but I think I can light a signal fire. Bendrick, I'm depending on you to return. I can't do this without you," I said with tears stinging behind my eyes.

"Lucy, you can do anything you put your mind to. I've never met a person so gifted. You've got the body of a strong, young woman and the wisdom of a woman who has lived a life." He put his hands on my face and pulled me into him for a kiss. "Oh! Before I forget..." he fished in his robe pocket for something and put it in my hands.

"A mirror?" I smiled. It was a silvered mirror, which I had learned were expensive and fairly rare. I held it up to my face and saw, for the first time, Elissa looking back at me. She was beautiful but I thought her eyes were accusing me of stealing her body. It unsettled me to think that so I looked at her... my... lips and hair instead. The mane of curly auburn hair was impressive and _my _lips were full and nicely defined. I had a little cleft in my chin. My fingers went over it, feeling it there for the first time. My eyebrows were also strong and well defined. Like punctuation marks around my reproachful eyes.

"Thank you, Bendrick," I kissed him. "Now I know how Elissa looks. But her eyes seem to accuse me of stealing her body."

Bendrick shook his head. "You're imagining that. You had nothing to do with what happened. You need to accept that this is you now."

"Do you want something of mine to take into battle?" I asked shyly.

"Like a knight takes his lady's token?" he asked, smiling. He looked tickled with the notion.

I nodded. "Name it, my lord."

He thought for a moment and blushed. "Your smalls."

"My...smalls?" I blinked once or twice, then accepted the request. "I think there's a clean pair in my pack," I tried to pull away to get them but he held onto me.

"No, not that pair. I want the ones you're wearing now," he said, his voice growing thick.

The camp was beginning to stir like a beehive. Boots were crunching through gravel and I heard Duncan asking after Bendrick.

I stood up and undressed enough to remove my smalls, what I would have called _panties_ in my prior life. I put the clean pair on. Mother would have approved of changing underwear before a big battle, I'm sure. I blushed as I gave the worn ones to Bendrick.

He stood up, getting ready to leave. He put the smalls to his nose and his eyes shut as he inhaled my scent. "I can't think of a better token than to take your scent with me, Lucy." He stuffed the smalls into his pocket and crushed me to him in a kiss. A thousand World War II movies played through my head of soldiers kissing their loves goodbye, never to return and I couldn't help but cry.

"Don't cry, Lucy." He kissed me eyes and a wave of soothing magic washed over me. "I love you," he whispered in my ear and he kissed it.

He went to the tent flap and was halfway out when I said, "I love you, Bendrick."

I sat down on my bedroll, fighting back the tears. I needed to get ready too. What would I need to take to climb up a tower and light a beacon? I wished I had Bendrick with me to tell me what to do.

"Elissa?" I heard Alistair's voice outside my tent.

"Come in," I said.

He looked down at me with my stuff laid out around me and my eyes red from crying.

"Don't look at me, I'm being absurd. It's all going to be okay, isn't it?" I asked Alistair.

He crouched down to get to my level. "Yes, it'll be all right. The Grey Wardens will prevail. They always have. There's no reason to believe this time is any different."

His answer reminded me of the assurances people tell themselves when they are frightened. It rang hollow. Past performance is no guarantee of future results, the investment companies always tell you. This was true and nearly always ignored.

"What should I take?" I asked him.

"Take any potions you might have. Elfroot is always good to have on hand. Deep mushrooms. Maybe some spare weapons. Do you have a bow?"

I sighed with impatience. "I don't know what elfroot or deep mushrooms look like."

Alistair helped me go through my packs and we figured out what was essential. I took some clean small clothes too and Alistair rolled his eyes at me. I wrapped Bendrick's mirror in them so it wouldn't break.

"Are you okay, Elissa?" Alistair asked.

"I'll be okay, I'm just worried about them."

Alistair nodded. "Come on, we should go see Duncan."

I got up and shouldered my pack and pushed out of the tent. The Grey Warden encampment was nearly empty. Duncan was waiting by the fire.

"Ah, there you are," he said. "There's one more thing before you go to the tower." He pointed to the war dog sitting at his feet. "Elissa had a Mabari. I assume he's still bonded to you but I don't really know."

"Bonded?" I asked, unclear on what that meant. I never was a dog person. Oh, they were okay, but I'd always preferred easy to take care of cats.

"These dogs imprint on one person and really only listen to that person. They're very intelligent and can understand a surprising amount of human speech. His name is Liam. See if he'll respond to you."

"Liam? Whose your Mamma?" I asked him.

The dog thumped his tail and nudged me with his nose, but then he titled his head to the side and whined. He sniffed me very carefully and his tail thumped again. I put out my hand and patted him. He seemed to like it but he was a little confused by me.

"I think he's confused," Duncan said. "He senses something is different. I think he'll accept you regardless. Take him with you, he'll fight at your side and obey your commands. They're useful on watches too. You can trust him to wake you if he senses anything."

I nodded and hoped me and the pooch would get along. He looked friendly enough. I just hoped he wouldn't figure out I'm an impostor and take a bite out of me.

"Oh yes, one more thing." He handed me a stack of papers. "These are treaties that Elissa and Alistair found earlier. They're with all our allies. The elves, dwarves and the Circle Tower. I want to send them with you, just in case something goes seriously wrong with this battle."

I wondered why he handed them to me. Surely Alistair was the more reliable and senior Warden. I was some unreliable, unpredictable mind that had stolen one of his recruits, perhaps even an insane mind at that. Surely even a stripling like Alistair had to be a better choice to trust to the treaties than I was.

"If anything happens then it'll be up to you two to see this through."

"Maker watch over you, Duncan," Alistair said.

"And you both as well," Duncan said. "You two had best be going. You have about an hour before the signal will be given." He looked about to turn and leave when he turned back to me. "Elissa... Lucy, I have faith in your abilities."

I was touched he used my real name. "Thank you, Duncan."

"Come along, Liam," I called to my dog. "No sniffing crotches, or humping ankles, chasing cats, or jumping up on visitors and we'll get along fine, okay?" Liam twisted his head looking confused and then gave a little woof as if he understood my rules. "Maker, you're a scary smart guy." He woofed again and I could swear he smiled at me with his goofy tongue hanging out.


	8. Fade to Black

**Failure**

_I told you so_, is such an ugly phrase yet so gratifying to use at times. I think I screamed it as a warcry when we charged to the tower and found the mage battling darkspawn alone. The tower was overrun with darkspawn and we had to battle from room to room to find the stairs leading to the next floor.

"Maker's breath!" Alistair swore, "we have to get to the beacon in time!"

"What are the odds?" I said.

"We just have to," he said and he charged into the next bunch.

I was grateful to have the mage although he seemed clueless about healing. Alistair showed me how to use healing potions.

I was glad Liam was with us. He was fiercely protective and knocked me out of the path of arrows several times. I worried about the cuts I saw on him. He seemed to ignore them or just channel the pain into his ferocity. The SPCA and PETA would be coming for me, I just knew it.

I was really starting to get used to the fighting stuff. My mind didn't depart quite like it had in the Wilds although I still felt a detachment from my body. In some ways it was good, it left me able to process information separately. A bit like being on autopilot I suppose. But despite our furious killing we were still making slow progress. It felt like an eternity from one set of stairs to the next.

When we finally got to the top I was panting and bleeding from dozens of wounds. The nagging feeling of wrongness had lightened but there was a big blotch of it ahead. Then I saw it. The ogre was ripping flesh from a bone... a human bone. I nearly vomited at the sight.

"Maker's fucking breath, Alistair! That's an..." I started to say.

"Ogre," he finished my sentence. "We can do this, Elissa. Just remember what we told you. Stay behind him."

Alistair adjusted his kit and charged into the room, screaming something incomprehensible. I followed him in, just a beat behind him. Liam and the mage were right after us. The fight was terrifying but Elissa's body knew what to do. When the ogre grabbed Alistair in one hand and looked ready to bite off his head, I struck his temple with the pommel of a dagger and stunned him. He dropped Alistair who recovered and defended against the huge grasping hands better.

I think we killed the ogre with a thousand paper cuts. He finally weakened enough that Elissa did something completely unexpected. She...I ... stabbed my daggers into the ogre deeply, climbing up his body like I was scaling a mountain. Then I plunged my dagger into its eye and it fell. I did an somersault off the ogre and landed on my feet like I was Nadia Comaneci. I resisted the urge to fling my hands out to the side and bow to the judges.

The ogre fell, almost on me. I dashed out of the way just in time. Alistair and I looked at each other.

"Quick, light the beacon," he told me.

I grabbed the torch and threw it into the fire box. The tinder was dry and plentiful. It roared up quickly and we could see the beacon shining brightly. For some reason I thought the beacon would be a bat signal, or perhaps grail-shaped, but no, it was just a bright shining light.

"I think we are late, Alistair," I said tears coming to my eyes. He looked at me, his brow furrowed and he nodded.

The feeling of nails scraping across a chalkboard grew intense suddenly and a dozen darkspawn rushed us. I saw an arrow grow out of Alistair's chest and then I felt one in my own. The injustice of being unlistened to, knowing my advice could have prevented so much pain and my own death, erupted like Vesuvius and I felt the flames of my fury just before everything grew dark.

...

_Thank you all for the reviews! It really inspires me. Keep 'em coming, they make me write faster!_


	9. Not Dead Yet

**Lucy, Flemeth, and the Super-Model**

I awoke in a small room with a comfortable bed. Finally! I thought, I'm in my own world in an insane asylum. The thought brought relief and disappointment. I'd never have to face the results of our late arrival to light the beacon, but it also meant that Bendrick had been a delusion. I was still wearing smalls, though. No straight-jacket. No padded walls. I sat up and my head throbbed. I didn't see any holes in my chest. What had happened?

"Ah, you're awake at last," I heard a woman say. I saw her browsing through a bookshelf. She turned to look at me. Her eyes were a strange yellow color and she wore a rather skimpy top and an odd leather skirt. She looked like an escapee from Fashion Week in New York. It had everything, feathers, teeth, leather straps, little beads dangling off it. It was even strategically ripped. The woman wearing it looked like she was straight off the catwalk.

"Your friend is outside," the Super-Model said, "nearly distraught at the thought of losing you. Mother assured him you would pull through be he refused to believe it."

"Bendrick?" I asked hopefully.

"I think he calls himself Alistair." The woman looked at me curiously.

"Oh, of course." My forehead scrunched up trying to think and make sense of this. Just when I thought I was getting the hang of things everything changed all over again. "Where am I?" I asked.

The woman looked at me curiously again. "You don't remember me?"

I knew to be cautious. "I must have taken a bump to the head, I don't remember you."

"I'm Morrigan. You met my mother and I only a few days ago, when you came to the Wilds with Alistair looking for your treaties."

"Oh! Right. I'm so sorry. I remember now." Of course, Elissa had done that with Alistair. "Your Mom's name is..." I tried to look like I was casting about for the memory.

"Flemeth. Don't you remember the Witch of the Wilds? You must have taken quite a bump to your head. I will have mother look into it. But you'd best get dressed so you can reassure your friend you're still alive."

"Alistair is all right too?" I asked.

"He was not as badly injured as you, but Mother was able to heal you both."

"How on earth did we get out of there? The last thing I remember was being peppered with arrows and overwhelmed with darkspawn."

"Oh, she turned into a giant bird and plucked you off, to safety."

"Turned into...?"

"She is a shape-changer, as am I."

"So you're both mages?" I asked, feeling dizzy from my confusion. "I thought mages lived in a Tower."

Morrigan's look of confusion matched my own. She ignored my comment. "Please, dress before your companion drowns himself in the swamp with despair."

I pulled on my cotton tunic and leggings and Morrigan watched me fumble with the leather armor, which I was still learning how to put on. I had to stop and start several times when I'd put things on in the wrong order.

I went out the door and into a landscape that look like the Wilds from our scouting mission. An older woman was talking with Alistair, he looked almost catatonic. Liam, Elissa's mabari, was at Alistair's feet. He ran to me when he saw me and I scritched him behind the ears.

"Be with Alistair," I told him and the dog obeyed. That was still so odd that an animal would obey me. I was too used to the independent nature of cats.

"There, you see? Your friend is alive," Flemeth said to Alistair. Her voice sounded like she had smoked unfiltered cigarettes for decades, and then gargled daily with glass shards and whiskey. Alistair turned and looked at me but his eyes remained unfocused and empty.

"Mother, I think you missed healing this one's head injury, she seems to be missing some memories."

Flemeth laughed - well, cackled would be more accurate really. I expected her laugh to end with a juicy smoker's hack but there was no sign of it. Perhaps Flemeth wasn't as phlegmish as her voice sounded. "Oh no, her memories aren't missing. Her mind is very sharp. It's her mind that is missing."

"Mother? How can her mind be sharp if it is missing?" Morrigan looked puzzled.

I looked startled. Flemeth gestured Morrigan and me away from Alistair. It was an accurate, if weirdly phrased, description of my condition.

"This young woman isn't quite the same as the one that visited us before. Isn't that right?" She turned to me, a very smug smile on her face.

"Well, you seem to have sussed it out," I confessed.

"Are you a demon, then?" Morrigan asked.

Flemeth laughed hysterically as if Morrigan and I were being funny. "Oh no, not a demon. She's from another universe, another world, another... reality. Her mind was changed with the mind of the one whose body she now owns."

"Do you know how that could have happened?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.

"So that other girl who came to the Wilds... this is not truly her?" Morrigan asked, fascinated.

"Not entirely, dear. The girl's body is here but the mind has been replaced. Upgraded a bit," she smiled at her daughter then turned to me again. "I see you've adapted well to this world. Unfortunately it didn't go so well on the other side," Flemeth sighed theatrically.

"What? You know what happened? Please tell me. I've been worried about Elissa. My world is so different from this one."

"It happens I do know. I'm from your world, actually, I go back every few centuries."

"WHAT?" Flemeth looked as crazy as I knew I was. But she knew things.

"I brought you here," she said.

"You trapped that poor girl in my body? To bring me here? Why me?"

"I could see she would fail. She had everything she needed to succeed except the right mind. She was too filled with the nonsense they stuff into the minds of noble girl children. I needed a pragmatist, someone smart and with enough guts to stand up to the bullies." She turned up the wattage on her strange stare. "I needed someone that could kill ruthlessly when needed."

That last part threw me. "Kill ruthlessly? Me?"

Flemeth's face twisted into a smile. "Oh, you will. Sooner than you think, even."

"But Elissa... what happened to her?" I needed to know.

"Oh yes, poor dear girl, stuck into the body of a 52-year old woman. She was running away from the people trying to take her to the mental hospital when she was hit by a truck. She over-estimated your body's ability to run. I'm afraid your body, and her mind, are no longer alive."

I staggered with the news. I was ashamed somehow, as if it were my fault.

Flemeth could read me like a book. "Oh stop, you had nothing to do with her demise. I'm entirely to blame and I don't feel a bit bad about it. It was necessary."

"Why? Why did you do this? Why pick me? There's nothing particularly extraordinary about me."

"I saw it was right, so I did it." Flemeth chuckled. "When you want salt, you pick up the salt shaker, not the pepper grinder."

I thought that was a strange thing to say. It must be mystical-speak for something. "You are from my world? Did I know you? How did you get here?"

"I lived long before you did. I escaped the witch burnings in Europe. There were some actual witches you know, magic wasn't always extinct on that world."

"And you came here? How? How do you go back?"

"Well, it is not trivial and changing your mind with hers was the most complicated magic I've ever wrought. You should be flattered I would expend such effort on your behalf." She cackled again and slapped her thigh in amusement. "Oh who am I kidding, I didn't do it for you, did I? I think not. I did it to save my own sorry skin. This land is doomed if the Wardens fail."

There was something about Flemeth that seemed vaguely familiar. "We've meet, haven't we?" I asked her.

"Oh yes, we spoke briefly in a bookstore. You were buying a Jared Diamond book. I asked you about him and you told me about his book, _Collapse_."

"Oh! I remember. Did you read it?"

She nodded. "It's a book about how your civilization is going to end."

I frowned. "He didn't say that. He pointed out we had opportunities to turn things around."

Flemeth looked at me skeptically. "Come now, say what you really believe."

"You're right. We'll never pull it off. We're doomed." I sighed.

"See! I did you a favor. I took you from a place where humanity was certainly doomed by it's own foolishness to this one where it is some external threat dooming it, and a good measure of foolishness. But here you can turn it around."

I held my head. "My head is going to explode. This has gone from wildly improbable to the craziest thing I've ever heard. You pulled me here because of my choice of reading material?"

"Oh no, you could have picked up a sleazy romance novel and I still would have chosen you. You were the salt shaker, not the pepper grinder. I knew that you in Elissa's body could do what needed to be done."

I shook my head, trying to get this to make more sense. "So, does this mean we win? I mean, me being here. Do I even have to try?"

Flemeth frowned at me. "Of course you have to try. You can still fail. In fact, you will fail unless you wake up and accept this as real. Your assumption that you are insane will doom you and everyone else. I assure you, you're probably the sanest person here. You certainly have me beat."

"But come, your companion is distraught." Flemeth guided me over to Alistair.

Alistair turned to me, his eyes were filled with tears. "They're dead," he murmured. "They're all dead."

"What?" I could barely choke out the word.

Flemeth nodded. "I'm afraid so. Your general quit the field when you lit the beacon."

"Were we too late lighting the beacon?"

Flemeth shrugged. "I cannot say. I merely saw him call the retreat."

I grasped Alistair and put my arms around him. "I'm sorry, Alistair." He shook in my arms and I could feel his tears falling in my hair. My own started to flow. Was it our fault they were dead?

"Bendrick," I moaned. If I had just pushed harder about having the backup signal. I should have stood my ground and not allowed myself to be corralled by Duncan.

Flemeth groaned. "Oh no, not you too. You're not some babe who hasn't experienced tragedy. You need to pull yourself together. This is why you're here. If you don't pull it together, Lucy, their deaths will be for nothing."

"There deaths were for nothing!" I hissed. "They need not have died. I told them to have a backup signal and they wouldn't listen to me," I yelled at no one in particular.

"Of course not, a bunch of arrogant men puffed up on their own importance aren't going to listen to you. This is why you have to take the reins out of their hands entirely." Flemeth shook my arm with a surprisingly strong grip. "Mourn your lover later, Lucy."

I looked into Flemeth's eyes and saw insanity and brilliance. She had brought me here, and poor Elissa was gone, and all the Grey Wardens but Alistair and I. Somehow she had known this would come to pass or so I was being asked to believe. It was far simpler to believe I was insane. But if she was right then that belief would doom these people and myself.

I nodded at her. "We have the treaties. We can gather our allies to battle the Blight," I mused, deciding to put my potential insanity in my back pocket. Later on, if I wake up in Bedlam or Bellview, I could nod and say, "I knew it". But for now I would accept this as truth. Even if that truth included Bendrick's death.

"That is a reasonable start," Flemeth said. "My daughter can help you."

I looked up a Morrigan. She and her mother exchanged some words but Morrigan agreed to go.

"You're going to need her, Lucy. Someone has to teach you how to use magic before you hurt yourself."

I choked on my own spit. "What?" I said between coughing fits. "Magic?"

"Just before you fell, Lucy, you lobbed an impressive fire ball at the darkspawn. It surprised me too. I had no idea, but I suppose that was one of the reasons I saw you were so right for the task."

Bendrick had said he didn't know if magic were an attribute of the mind or the body. So this must have been some ability I had, that came with me, but didn't work on my world.

Morrigan went off to pack her necessities and came out with an impressive staff strapped to her back.

"We should go," Morrigan said. She bid her mother goodbye.

I shook Flemeth's hand feeling a strange jolt pass between us. She cackled at it.

"Thank you for rescuing us, Flemeth." I said.

"Such manners," she exclaimed. "Elissa was a rude, nasty thing. You're going to go far, woman. Enjoy your youth again. It doesn't last, as you already know." She cackled again.

I pulled on my pack and went to Alistair and helped him put his on. He was nearly catatonic. What an enormous tragedy for one so young, to have so many friends stripped away in one fell swoop. I tried to concentrate on Alistair rather than let myself think about my own loss. There would be time later. Perhaps I could form a Ostagar survivor's group. The other Wardens must have had loved ones they had left behind. We could help each other through this tragedy. Perhaps Bendrick had friends from the Tower... I would seek them out. We could mourn him together.

Morrigan led us out of the Wilds towards a village named Lothering. It was a trip of several days. Morrigan and I talked a lot as we walked, Alistair remained mostly silent.

"Morrigan," I said, "do mages really burst into abominations at the slightest provocation?"

Morrigan snorted. "No, of course not. First off, the mage has to be in the Fade and meet up with a demon, or the Veil must be torn to let it through, and then the mage must either be tricked or convinced to let the demon in."

"So why does anyone do it?"

"Some people get greedy or desperate or they believe the lies demons tell them. The Tevinter mages, the ones that the are supposedly responsible for the darkspawn, pushed hard to increase their power. Many of them did succumb to promises that demons made. But mages learn from their mistakes."

"I can't imagine anyone would really want to be possessed by a demon, anymore than Elissa wanted to be possessed by me." Oh blast, here comes the guilt again.

Morrigan shook her head. "Tsk, tsk. You need to stop blaming yourself for what Mother did."

I saw Alistair look at me strangely. He might have heard what Morrigan said. I remembered he didn't know that it was Flemeth who had brought me here. I wondered what he would say if he did know.

When we camped that first night she worked with me. I still didn't believe I could do magic, until a spray of sparks flew off my fingertips. I whopped and ran a victory lap around the bonfire. Liam caught my excitement and raced me.

"Congratulations, Lucy," she had taken to calling me by my real name like her mother had, "you're an apostate."

Alistair finally jolted out of his depression enough to answer her. "No she isn't. Warden mages may live outside of the tower."

Morrigan scowled at Alistair. "I wouldn't count too much on the Chantry's support, Lucy. They'd probably whisk you away to the Tower in a heartbeat."

"Wait, Alistair used to be a templar he probably knows."

Alistair shook his head. "No, just a templar-in-training. Duncan recruited me before I became a full-fledged templar."

I nodded with relief. "Good! I trust you shrugged off their indoctrination? Mages deserve to be as free as everyone else."

Alistair just looked at me. "Apostates and maleficars are a danger. They must be contained and watched."

Morrigan groaned. "See! Tis exactly as I said. Once the Chantry gets their hooks into them, they become drones."

"So says the apostate," Alistair grumbled.

I shook my head. It would take work to get Alistair straightened out but I didn't need to begin while we were both mourning our tragic losses.


	10. The Noob

**Fear and Lothering**

Just outside of Lothering we met a group of well armed men. Alistair and Morrigan filled me in that they were likely to be highwaymen. It enraged me to think they were extorting people already fleeing the destruction of homes and everything they had worked for. I asked a few questions and found out that Loghain had declared the Grey Wardens traitors and responsible for King Cailan's death. I tried to negotiate with the bandits to turn over everything they had stolen and turn themselves in but I failed. When they made their first hostile move I didn't even bother to unsheathe my daggers, I launched myself at the leaders with fists and feet.

It felt surprisingly good to be in battle again. My anger, frustration and loss found an outlet in physical fury. I killed a man, and with my bare hands. Me? Or was it Elissa?

But killing a man was different from killing darkspawn. Darkspawn were vermin. They didn't look like us. Killing a man, that was another matter entirely. I would not have thought it could be so easy or that I could do it with so little compunction. It was that that bothered me more than the actual act.

"Alistair... did you hear what they said? There's a bounty on us." I looked at him with confusion. "Why? It makes no sense. Why would the Grey Wardens throw away their lives for some plot to kill the King, and why would Loghain believe anyone would believe that?"

Alistair sighed. "There will be plenty who will believe him. He is a great hero in this country. He didn't like Cailan depending on us, I'm not entirely sure why. I think he didn't like Grey Wardens for some reason. Maybe we're just a convenient scapegoat so he doesn't have to take any blame for his retreat."

I walked the rest of the way to Lothering in silence, trying to make sense of everything and trying to figure out when I had become such a cold-blooded killer. Flemeth's words haunted me. 'I needed someone that could kill ruthlessly when needed.' When she had said it, I thought she was wrong.

...

"Lothering, pretty as a painting," Alistair said sarcastically as he looked out over the town covered with the tents and junk that passes for possession belonging to scores of refugees.

"So you've decided to rejoin us, have you Alistair?" Morrigan mocked him.

I shot her a warning look and put my hand on Alistair's shoulder. "Do you want to talk... about what happened?"

I pulled Alistair away from Morrigan and we spoke a little while. He told me how Duncan had been like a father to him, one he hadn't ever had until he recruited him. I held onto his hand and patted it. I talked to him about his childhood and found out the circumstances of his birth. He was a bastard. He said it with an offhandedness that told me it mattered to him. In my world we call them children with single parents. If they've got a father more often then not they're referred to as the baby daddy or sperm donor. Once upon a time we called them fathers but fathering truly seems to have little to do with the particulars of conception.

"I didn't know Duncan as long as you did, but I was impressed with his patience with me. I will miss him too. What he did for Elissa, rescuing her from Highever... it was the noble act of a truly kind man. How he put up with me when I first woke up in this world... I must have tried his patience sorely."

Alistair squeezed my hand. "You must miss Bendrick."

I didn't trust my voice to respond I just nodded and tears burned at the corners of my eyes.

"You two seemed like you were meant for each other. I could feel it when you were with him. He could see nothing but you, and you... you kind of glowed when you looked at him."

"It was two and a half days of bliss. I never felt like that about anyone in all my 52 years," I said.

Alistair peered at me. "You're really that old?"

I nodded. "I'm quite the MILF now, aren't I?" I laughed knowing Alistair wouldn't understand. I don't know why I thought such a horrible joke was a good idea just then.

"What's a MILF?" he asked.

"I'll explain it when you're older." I patted his hand again. Alistair's look was a puzzled one. He just seemed so innocent and sheltered. Somehow I just knew that events would change that for him, and soon.

"You're all I have left, Elissa. I guess that's true for you too. You left everything you knew behind, and all the attachments you found in the last few days were ripped away."

I nodded and wiped away my tears. "All but you, Alistair," I sighed. "Look we'd better go. Morrigan is going to explode something with her mind if we don't. She doesn't strike me as the patient sort." I soon found that was the understatement of the century.

"You don't actually trust her do you? She's an apostate, for Maker's sake."

I sighed. "I need her. I need you. I'm so helpless in this world. Now I find out I have magical abilities. If I don't learn how to control them, I could hurt someone."

Alistair nodded reluctantly and shouldered his pack. As we walked into Lothering we discussed what we would do next. Alistair explained who the treaties were with and suggested we should go see the Arl of Redcliffe, his foster father. I was torn, I wanted to go to the Circle Tower but I decided Alistair probably knew best. But first we needed to resupply and get what news we could.


	11. Faking it

**Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot..._Fake it_**

Sten.

I like large taciturn men. Really, I do. Loghain for instance, my initial reaction was rather positive. I sensed something intriguing underneath that sour facade. I was wrong, of course. But Sten took taciturn to whole new levels. His answers were rudely short and he seemed to enjoy shutting down attempts at conversation with one word answers or barbed replies.

"My people have heard legends of the Grey Warden's strength and skill... though I suppose not every legend is true."

Yet we decided to release him from his cage and take him with us. He said he would fight the Blight with us and, well, we needed help. I got the feeling he disapproved of me in particular. It wasn't anything he said but the disapproval in his expression was palpable. Could he sense that I didn't belong to this world? If so, he said nothing.

Leliana was a little easier to get to know. She kept me from killing the bounty hunters Loghain sent after us. I was lost again in this killing fury and she talked me down. Her religiosity was a little on the extreme side at times. It was _'Maker this, Maker that'_ but then a glimpse of another side came through, something a little less reverent. She reminded me of kettle corn, salty, sweet and fluffy. Sometimes the sweetness was a bit on the cloying side, and _Maker_, the woman could babble endlessly. In a world without television and internet, a useful trait I suppose, but I've always appreciated people who were unafraid of silence, although Sten took that to an uncomfortable extreme.

"All right, we'll let them go," I agreed reluctantly. I narrowed my eyes, trying to look as much like Marlon Brando in The Godfather as possible. I jabbed my finger into the soldier's chest. "You dirty rat" - I think I was confusing Don Corleone with Jimmy Cagney - "I want you to take a message to Loghain, from the Grey Wardens." I pretended to hitch up my suspenders and chew on a toothpick, that gave me a nice sneer, or snarl, _snerl _I guess. "Tell Loghain he can run, but he can't hide."

"I think he's not really running exactly," Alistair whispered to me.

I snerled more, trying to find a better message. "Tell him 'don't fuck with the Wardens'." Wait! Was being menacing and threatening the right way to resolve our differences? I thought better of it. It was possible that we could repair things. I sighed, knowing I was sending a very mixed up message.

"Okay, wait. I take it all back. Sit down and have a drink. Alistair, make sure they don't do anything unfriendly. I'm going to write a note to Loghain and you can deliver that."

What I didn't realize when I said that was the ballpoint pen didn't exist in this world and paper was not easy to find. I did eventually find a quill, inkwell and stiff parchment. I then realized I had no idea whether or not my written language was anything like theirs. Perhaps spellings were complete different, maybe they used a syllabary instead of an alphabet. I'd have to open a book someday soon. I dictated the message and Leliana wrote it, hopefully without her Orlesian accent.

"Teyrn Loghain, your accusations against the Grey Wardens do nothing to end the Blight," I dictated. I watched Leliana write and realized that the written language was very similar. The alphabet was the same but some of the spellings were quite different.

I continued my dictation. "I request that we meet to end this misunderstanding between us and move forward with ending the Blight. We both know that Ferelden is lost if we do not. I will contact you to arrange a meeting as soon as possible. Sincerely, Grey Warden, Elissa Cousland."

"You can't be serious, Elissa," Alistair complained. "Loghain deserted the King and blames the Grey Wardens and you want to have tea and chat with him about it?"

"You know it's possible we were too late to light the beacon and his withdrawal was a tactical decision to spare the remainder of the army. We both know he tried to dissuade the King from attacking with the Grey Wardens. If talking means that we can come to an understanding and deal with the Blight together, rather than having to raise our allies while fighting Loghain, wouldn't that be best for everyone?"

Alistair looked bitter but resigned.

Leliana finished writing and gave me the parchment to sign. Between the fact I didn't know how to write with a quill and the fact I was forging Elissa's name. It came out a blotty mess. Leliana folded the paper and gave it to the bounty hunter.

"Just deliver that," I said. "Forget all the other stuff I said."

"How exactly do you intend to meet with Loghain without getting killed or thrown into Fort Drakkon?" Alistair asked.

I shook my head and shrugged. "I don't know. I'm sort of hoping we might be able to appeal to a neutral party to broker a peace talk. We'll see what happens and perhaps the opportunity will present itself."

We stayed in Lothering that first night. I had promised to help with a variety of tasks. Partly because we needed to earn some money to buy supplies, partly because I felt sorry for the refugees. Refugees that might not even be here if I had insisted that the King not rely upon a beacon.

Alistair and I sat together around the fire. Morrigan was off by herself. Liam was sitting at my feet. I had sent Sten and Leliana on ahead to set up a camp outside of Lothering.

"Elissa?" Alistair said.

"Hm?" I replied. I was nearly hypnotized by the flames from the fire, trying not to think of how much I missed Bendrick.

"What did Morrigan mean that you shouldn't blame yourself for what her mother did?"

So, Alistair had overheard. "Flemeth told me she brought me here."

Alistair stood up. "What? Why would she do that?"

"She said Elissa was going to fail and that bringing me here would help the Grey Wardens against the blight."

Alistair sputtered. "That old woman is crazy! Do you believe it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. She probably is insane but she also sees things. There's nothing I can do about it anyway. My old body is dead, Elissa's mind with it."

Alistair's eyes looked pained.

"Al, you knew her a little didn't you? What was she like?"

He shrugged. "A little. She seemed to be used to giving orders more than taking them." He paused. "Truthfully, she was a bit haughty and unapproachable. You're nothing like her."

"Did you like her?" I asked.

"I scarcely knew her," he seemed reluctant to answer my question.

"But your first impression was what?" I pressed.

He sighed. "I didn't like her... you... her. Maker this gets confusing. But perhaps she would have grown on me later." He stood up and paced slightly. "You, however, I like. You're easy to talk to."

My forehead furrowed. I'd always thought of her as being some adventurous young woman on the verge of an exciting life. Hearing that she was disliked by someone as easy-going as Alistair gave me pause.

"What am I going to do when I run into someone that knows her?" I wondered aloud.

Alistair shrugged. "I don't know, Elissa. I really don't know."

I sighed. "Can't you call me Lucy? I feel like such a fraud."

Alistair took my hand and patted it, reassuring me for a change. "You'd better stick to her name. You need to respond to it."

...

The next day my fear came to pass. We ran into someone that knew Elissa. An elf that came up to me bowing and scraping. I stared at him in alarm.

"Mistress Elissa," he said, "do you remember me? I worked for your family at the Castle." He twisted his hat between his hands as if he were nervous.

"I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've forgotten your name, but your face is very familiar," I lied.

"I'm Brocc, mistress, I worked in the kennels."

"Oh Brocc, of course! Forgive me." I took his hand and shook it. "I'm so pleased to see you again. Do you remember my mabari, Liam?"

Brocc looked almost terrified to be shaking hands with me. "Of course, mistress! I told you what a fine pup he would be."

I put a friendly hand on his shoulder and he flinched. Flinched... why? "Would you like to see him? He's at our camp. I was just going to get some water. I'm sure Liam would like to see you again."

He smiled tentatively. "I'd like that, mistress. But let me get the water for you."

"Nonsense, come on, Brocc we'll go together and you can tell me what you've been up to."

Brocc chatted about where he had been since he left Cousland Castle several years ago. I told him what became of the Castle with Rendon Howe's attack. He was shocked and distraught at the news. He seemed to look much less afraid of me when we got back to the camp. Liam jumped up and greeted him enthusiastically. We talked for quite some time and I tried to discretely pump him for information about what things had been like at Castle Cousland.

When Brocc left I pressed a sovereign into his hand. "I'm sorry I don't have more to spare, Brocc."

Brocc's eyes got misty. "Thank you, mistress." He shook my hand, without fear this time and went on his way.

The experience made me wonder again who Elissa Cousland was. I did not want to think badly of her and I still pitied her for what Flemeth had subjected her to.

...

"What sort of magic do you want to learn?" Morrigan asked me as we went to join Sten and Leliana outside Lothering.

"Butt-wiping magic," I grumbled, still sorely put out over the lack of sanitary amenities.

Morrigan tilted her head and looked at me curiously. "What on earth is that?"

I explained flush toilets, toilet paper, hand-washing and soft fluffy towels. "If I can't have technology then perhaps I could have magic to make up for it."

Morrigan sighed and shook her head. "You are obsessed with cleanliness, tis unhealthy and unnecessary. If you're a mage and get sick, you can simply cure yourself."

"I don't like feeling like a dung beetle, and wiping my delicate bits with hay and leaves is cringe-worthy."

Morrigan tapped her teeth, deep in thought. "I tell you what. Once you know certain simple spells you can combine them into useful combinations. For instance, if you wanted to summon warm water you simply combine a frost spell with a fire spell in the proper amounts."

I nodded enthusiastically. On the trip to Redcliffe I learned to summon warm water out of my hands as well as summon ice and fire. Morrigan was impressed with how quickly I learned. I was an extremely motivated student. The sooner I could solve the lack of technology with magic, the happier I would be.

I took a weird shower every morning where water gushed out of my hands. I washed my hands after visiting the latrine, or more usually, a bush along the side of the road. Sten and Leliana, not having any knowledge of my origins, were amused by my obsession with cleanliness.

One evening Morrigan demonstrated her shape-changing abilities and asked me if I wanted to learn. Of course! She told me I would need to pick an animal to observe. A flying critter would be useful, of course, but after days of slogging on the road, laden with heavy packs it occurred to me that a horse would be even more useful.

Morrigan stared at me again, as if I had lost my mind. "You want to be a pack animal?"

I nodded. "It would be useful, you have to agree. We're all nearly bent double with the weight of the stuff we're carrying around. Besides, if necessary someone could ride... err, me."

"Why not just buy a horse then?" she asked.

"With...what? We're rather broke."

She sighed and shook her head. "Of all the beautiful, majestic untamed creatures available you pick a domesticated pack animal that chews grass." She laughed derisively. "Why not be a cow so we can have fresh milk?"

"Horses are beautiful and majestic! They even run fast. A horse is what we need now," I said stubbornly. "Later perhaps I can learn to be something that flies, like a hawk or a crow."

Morrigan surrendered, throwing her hands up in disgust. "My mother picked you, she must have seen something I cannot. Very well, I will teach you to shape-change into a horse. You'll need to study the creatures closely for awhile. Perhaps there are some in Redcliffe and you can sleep in the stable for awhile."

I wondered if it were really necessary for me to do that, but I'd won the argument, I wouldn't press my luck with her.

I used the evenings to attempt to get to know my companions better. I was still terribly confused by Sten. I found he responded to brusqueness and bluntness rather well. He almost seemed to approve of me openly asserting my dominance over him. My usual style of consensus building alienated him. He saw it as weakness. I adapted my manner to suit what seemed to make him feel more secure with us.

I was becoming quite fond of Alistair. I remember how I had thought of him as a Chippendales dancer the first time I saw him, but lately I was thinking of him as a nephew or perhaps the son I'd never had. I would spend evenings around the campfire with him, trying to learn more about him. I questioned him about his experiences with women, thinking he probably hadn't had many and it lead to a discussion of licking lampposts. I had him blushing with a nuclear glow before he finally retreated to his tent.

...

When we finally got to Redcliffe village Alistair confessed to me who his father was. It was something he had been trained to keep secret, but he felt I should know. His father was the King Cailan's father, King Maric. That, of course, made him a bastard prince. He seemed rather embarrassed about it. He also told me the terrible details of his childhood. That made me want to punch Arl Eamon a little bit, and Isolde a whole lot.

"Alistair, I don't care who your father is. At least fifty percent of who we are is due to environment, or nurturing, not genetics," I said. "There's certainly no royalty gene," I grumbled.

Alistair looked at me blankly. "Lissy," he said, calling me by the compromise we'd worked out between Lucy and Elissa, "I have no idea what you just said."

"I guess I should postpone what I was going to say about epigenetics then," I sighed. I was missing PBS Nova a lot.

"Look, does your being an unacknowledged prince" - I figured out a nicer way to say royal bastard - "have anything to do with Cailan's death? Should we be making a claim on the throne in your name?" It seemed like a spectacularly bad idea and a sure way to die quickly.

Alistair looked terrified. "Maker, no! I don't want anything to do with the throne."

"Okay, that's probably a good thing. The country is most likely in an upheaval. I'm glad you told me about it, but truly, Al, it makes no difference to me. Where I come from, we choose our leaders by how good their hair looks rather than by birthright."

"I'm relieved you feel that way," he said his expression easing. "Wait... by how good their hair looks?"

I laughed. "It's a joke," I lied. "Come on, let's go find your pussy-whipped foster father," I headed back to the road.

...

Redcliffe, it seemed, was in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. The few remaining villagers were getting drunk or praying fervently in the Chantry, a few doing both. There was an air of despair about the place like I'd never seen before. The man we met on the outskirts told us we could find Bann Teagan in the Chantry.

I pulled Alistair aside.

"What's a ban?" I asked him. "Some sort of title?"

"Oh right, you probably don't know. A Bann is a noble with voting rights at the Landsmeet. The lowest level of voting noble there is. Just above that is an Arl and above that is the Teyrn and then there is, of course, the King. I'll tell you more later. We should probably go find Teagan."

"Did you know this Teagan from before?" I asked.

"Yes, before I was sent to the Chantry. He's a decent fellow. I think you'll like him. He doesn't put on airs like some nobles do."

We set down our packs outside the Chantry and went in. There was a murmur as people looked at us and I heard a few "Maker be praised!" exclamations.

I felt like I always do inside of places of worship: utterly out of place, afraid I'll commit some sacrilege out of my ignorance and be burned at the stake as a witch. Which, considering it was the Chantry and I was - though it sounds odd to say it - a witch, my fear was probably not entirely irrational.

Alistair guided me over to a well dressed, if somewhat disheveled man who, I judged was in his late thirties. I couldn't help but note he was handsome. Not like Cailan or Alistair, but his slightly gaunt features and hawkish nose were compelling. His face had as much character as beauty. I'll blame it on Elissa that my heart beat a little faster. For once, I may have even been right.

He turned to watch us enter and I saw him look at each of us in turn. When he saw me his eyes never left me and he smiled.

"Elissa?" he said, his voice filled with amazement.

"Oh crap, he knows me?" I whispered to Alistair.

Alistair shrugged.

He ran forward and swept me into an embrace. "Elissa! What are you doing here?"

I was at a loss. Who was this man to me? A cousin? A family friend?

"Teagan! I didn't know you were here," I said, making up something random to say. It seemed we were on first name basis.

"Elissa, what possessed you to come here now? You can't stay. This place is dangerous." Teagan finally let go of me. "Although, I must admit seeing you again is good."

"We came from Ostagar, did you hear what happened there?" I asked.

"Yes. Maker yes. Why were you there? Your letter said you were staying in Highever while Fergus went South."

My letter? That was a clue. I corresponded with him. "That was to have been the plan," I remembered what Duncan had told me, "but Rendon Howe's army attacked us just after Fergus left with his troops. Everyone was killed, except me and Commander of the Grey Wardens."

"Maker's breath, Liss," his eyes looked sad and he reached out to touch my cheek. "I'm sorry."

"She's one of us now," Alistair said. "Do you remember me, Bann Teagan? The last time we met, I was a lot younger and covered in mud."

"Alistair? It's you, isn't it? You're alive!"

"Still alive, yes, although not if Teyrn Loghain has his way."

I was grateful for Alistair taking the focus off me. What could Teagan's relationship with Elissa be?

"Wait..." Teagan said looking from me to Alistair, "did you just say she's a Grey Warden?"

We both nodded.

"Why Liss?" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Can we talk alone a moment?"

I shot a worried look at Alistair and he returned it. I followed Bann Teagan across the room to a more private spot.

"Why did you join the Wardens, Liss? I was going to ask for your hand as soon as your father returned."

Oh shit. I was in deep yogurt. Was this an arranged marriage? Or had they been courting? "I'm sorry, Teagan. I had no choice in the matter. Duncan conscripted me. He was going to recruit someone else but he died in the attack. He desperately needed another Grey Warden."

I remembered what I had learned, that I was pretty much out of the nobility marriage pool since I was now a Grey Warden and most likely barren, and without any title or land to claim. Teagan's eyes drilled into mine. I felt pinned to velvet underneath his gaze, like a butterfly specimen.

"I don't care, Liss. It doesn't change how I feel for you." He wrapped his arms around me and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "It doesn't change what happened between us." He pulled away to look at me. "What is it?"

What happened between us? Hmmm, is he perhaps the reason Elissa was missing her maidenhead? I smiled at him sadly. "I'm not the same person I was, Teagan." I was on the verge of telling him everything.

"Of course not, darling. What you've been through... seeing everyone you love die and then Ostagar. Is Fergus even alive?"

"I don't know. He was scouting in the Wilds before the battle and he never came back from that. I can't imagine much of anything survived that attack."

"Liss, I understand if your feelings have changed, or if you need some time and space to grieve. I won't press. When you're ready, I'll be here for you," Teagan said. He picked up my hand and kissed it once and let it go.

I was impressed. A noble who was planning on marrying the wealthy, presumably fertile and titled Elissa who didn't care she had lost all that. He obviously loved her.

"Let's rejoin the others," I said. "Tell us what is going on here."

We went back to the others and Teagan spilled out the story of his brother falling ill and something happening inside the castle. Nobody would come when they called at the gates. And every night the undead walked and attacked the village. The casualties had been horrifying. They thought this night would be their last night. The undead got stronger and they were losing the war by attrition. They learned after the first night to burn their dead or they would rise again.

"We'll stay and fight, Teagan," I said.

Alistair nodded and said, "Of course."

Teagan shook his head. "No Liss, you shouldn't stay. I fear we're not going to survive another night of this."

I grimaced. "I have one teeny, tiny question."

"Of course," Teagan said earnestly.

"Why hasn't the village been evacuated if you didn't think you could hold it another night? There aren't any walking dead out during the day. Surely that's enough time to get people to safety?" I stated the obvious. It seemed to be my role in this world. Perhaps that's why Flemeth brought me here, they're short on people to point out the obvious, simple solutions.

"I couldn't just leave my brother and his family in there with...Maker knows what!"

I nodded, as if that made sense, but it didn't. Dying here wouldn't help his brother either.

"I have a small suggestion. Why don't you take all the women, children and elderly and leave town. We can stay here with with whatever defenders there are and fight these undead things. You can come back tomorrow and see if we succeeded or not. If we're dead then I'd suggest fleeing with the remains of the village and get more help. If we're alive... we can attempt the castle."

"A sensible suggestion, Elissa," Teagan said, looking at me fondly, "unfortunately I'm afraid we only have a few hours before sunset. I think it best we barricade those who can't fight inside the Chantry. I'll stay with them, to protect them against anything that gets past the defenses as best I can."

I agreed.

"Well then, we'd best get ready for the zombie apocalypse," I said, much to everyone's confusion, but I was pleased, I'd always wanted to see one. How big of a threat could a bunch of falling-apart, shambling monsters be?

_So! This is turning into a much longer yarn than I ever imagined. Some of the details of the game are going to be skipped over. The interesting stuff here is the confusion and chaos Lucy causes and experiences. _

_Thanks for all the reviews! It makes my day!_


	12. The Education of a Chantry Boy Begins

_**Lucy, the Zombie Slayer**_

Once again the forces of light prevailed against the forces of evil. Or, the force of good looks prevailed against the ugly. Seriously, how often do the aesthetically challenged win? Not often, at least not in the legends that Hollywood spins. However, I didn't spare much time lamenting the unfairness of life...err... undeath... faced by the walking dead of Redcliffe.

The morning dawned and the grim remains of the zombie invasion lay about us. Severed, decaying limbs were everywhere. My one big disappointment was they didn't say "Brains!" as they shambled at us. Ah well, as Sten would say, not all legends are true. The casualties amongst the living were light. Lloyd had perished but no one seemed too upset over it.

When the light pierced the Chantry windows the doors opened tentatively and the Chantry lady, Revered Mother as I learned later, peeked out. She fell to her knees and spouted something about the Maker's will. I was personally hoping she'd bust into a "Superior dance" like the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live. Teagan waited respectfully until she was done then walked out with a smile on his face and his eyes on me. I couldn't help but return his smile. He looked so relieved. Truly, I could see the man cared for the villagers under his protection, although I was still mystified as to why he didn't evacuate them.

Despite the fact I was covered in zombie ick he hugged me and placed a chaste kissed on my forehead.

"I am relieved to see you, Elissa. All of you," he said to my companions.

"We should go to the castle and see what is causing these creatures to come," I said, "but we're all exhausted and hungry and filthy."

"I will see that you are fed and have some rest. The best bet for cleaning up might be the lake. I must warn you, it is a bit cold."

"The cold is no problem, we have a mage that can warm the water for us." I thought it best to not reveal that I had suddenly sprouted magical abilities. "Food and perhaps a place where we can rest for an hour or two would be welcome. Then I promise we'll go over to the castle and see what we can do there."

Morrigan heated a patch of the lake and we all dove in, still clad in our cotton tunic and leggings we wear under our armor. Getting out was harder than going in as the air was cool and there was a breeze. I noticed Alistair was staring at me as I got out of the water, as I flipped the wet hair out of my face. I looked down at myself and understood why. The wet cotton was clinging to me rather transparently and my cold nipples were pressing through my breastband and tunic. He saw I had caught him looking and he turned away, flushing brilliantly red. I couldn't help laughing. _Boys will be boys._

Morrigan started a fire burning and we huddled around it until our cotton underclothes dried. I talked to Morrigan quietly, so we wouldn't be overheard.

"Bendrick knew a spell that made a little warm tornado of air that was nice for drying off. Can you teach me that one?" I asked.

Morrigan gave me another of her looks. "Don't you think it would be wise to learn spells to harm your enemies, not dry your skin?"

"I have other ways of harming our enemies," I whispered, "I poke them with sharp objects. I'm better at that than I'll be with magic for long time, I think."

"I do not know such a spell, but I suppose I could modify a blizzard somewhat..." she trailed off and looked into the distance, musing over how to contrive such a spell.

"Thanks, Morri," I said, hoping she wouldn't mind the nickname. I wondered if Sten would like a nickname.

...

After we were refreshed slightly we met Teagan at the windmill not far from the bridge leading to the castle. He explained there was a secret way into the castle. Ah, of course, a bolt hole. The Couslands had one too according to Duncan. Teagan explained we could all get into the castle through there, bypassing the closed gate. We were just about to go when a woman with a French accent ran up to us shouting

"Teeeee-gannnn, Oh, Teeeeee-gannnnn." She collapsed into his arms, pressing her excessively large breasts into his chest and looked into his eyes with her large, bovine brown ones. "You must return to the castle with me, alone!" she simpered.

I looked at Alistair and he whispered the name "Isolde" to me. I shrugged with my ignorance and he whispered, "Eamon's wife." Then I understood. This was the petty, jealous woman who treated Alistair so badly as a child. Right now it looked like she was about ready to start slobbering on Teagan, she obviously had the warmies for him.

Teagan introduced us and I could see she immediately took a dislike to me. She reacted rudely to Alistair too. I was quite ready to feed her to any surviving zombies. I certainly tried as hard as I could to dissuade Teagan from returning to the castle with her, but he felt obligated to go. So we split up and entered the castle from the bolt hole while he went with his sister-in-law. The Redcliffe knights were to wait for us at the closed gate.

We ran across the blood mage that Isolde claimed had poisoned Arl Eamon and set into motion all the badness coming from the castle. We questioned him and Morrigan didn't believe he was responsible for the undead, although he did admit to poisoning the Arl. Even worse, he told us who ordered it: Loghain.

This was obviously something set in place before the events of Ostagar. Loghain was trying to kill the Arl? Before, I thought Loghain's actions at Ostagar could have been strictly tactical. We were late lighting the beacon, too late to turn the battle around and save the King. His blaming the King's death on the Grey Wardens maybe he thought we delayed intentionally or perhaps it was just more convenient than explaining his true reasoning, that they were overwhelmed and adding his forces would just wipe them all out. But this? There was no way I could spin this in his favor. This cast a shadow on every other possible explanation. The only answer that I could see truly fit was that he was consumed with desire to secure the throne for himself.

After a hurried consultation with Morri I released Jowan from his cell and suggested he run. Alistair and I had a little tiff about it. His Chantry indoctrination again. I figured I'd hear about it the next time we had a private moment together.

We rescued the blacksmith's daughter and found our way to the courtyard eventually. I ran to the gate and let in Ser Perth. We fought a variety of undead things and finally made our way inside the castle and found Teagan and Isolde and Isolde's creepy child, Connor.

I watched Teagan caper about like a jester and the weird, annoying child talk in an odd voice. I looked at Morrigan for an explanation.

"The child is possessed by a demon," she whispered.

Ah! So this is what the Chantry is protecting us all from. Untrained child mages being exploited by demons. It was at least informative to see what could happen. It reminded me a bit of a Twilight Zone episode where a little kid is terrorizing his small town with his unnatural abilities.

We had to fight Teagan and the guards who were being controlled by this demonic child. Fortunately knocking out Teagan was enough to shake him free. Connor ran away and we all chatted about what to do next. None of us had any brilliant ideas other than kill the boy. While he was annoying, at least while possessed by a demon, I was loathe to do it.

"Could we get help from the mages at the Tower?" I asked.

It was a gamble, but one nearly everyone seemed willing to take. The stakes were high. The boy might decide to kill everyone in the castle while we are gone. Morri was the only one in favor of just ending the kid's existence. She definitely wasn't a kid-person, I could tell.

"Okay then, we're going to the Circle Tower," I announced. "We'll be back as soon as possible."

Teagan gave me a soulful look. He had promised to give me space but I could tell he really didn't want to. If I wasn't a counterfeit copy of the woman he actually loved, and if I hadn't so recently lost my lover, I would have jumped at the chance. Instead I smiled warmly and squeezed his hand.

"We will be back before you know it," I said encouragingly.

I was pulling away to go when he tugged on my hand and pulled me back to him and he kissed me, not on the forehead this time. It was a lingering, soft, tender kiss on the lips. He finally let me go and my cheeks were burning and I'm sure flushed. I knew this was going to spark comments back from my companions. A quick glance at Isolde confirmed she was glaring at me.

"Before you go, Elissa," Teagan reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a folded paper, "I was about to have my latest letter delivered to you, but now I don't have to." He pressed it into my hand.

I nodded and smiled and we left the castle.

Morrigan looked at me curiously. "T'would seem you've inherited Elissa's beau. I'd make the most of that if I were you."

Alistair glared at her. "That would be foolish. If anyone were to know the real Elissa, it seems like Teagan would."

I nodded, agreeing with Alistair. "I would feel horrible deceiving the man."

That night I unfolded Teagan's letter and read, hoping I would learn more about Elissa.

_My dear Elissa,_

_I still remember how you taste and if I close my eyes I can remember exactly how you smell. Your scent reminds me of the cliffs of Conobar where the sea crashes upon the rocks and the salt spray is launched into the air. Your cries, when I tasted you, reminded me of the gulls that nest there. I think of you as the essence of the sea, wild and untameable._

_I hope you don't have any regrets, my darling. I should not have bedded you, I know, until our betrothal was assured, but I could not resist you when you slipped into my room in that silk nightgown. You were jesting, I hope, when you said that if I didn't take your maidenhead you would seek out Ser Gilmore but that you preferred an experienced man for your first time. Ha, ha! You are my funny, darling girl._

_I know you had to slip away and return to your own room but I was hoping to spend more time alone with you before I had to leave. However, I cannot complain to have had that one glorious night with you._

_Please, my sweet, you did not answer me in your last letter, but tell me you will marry me._

_My love, forever,_

_Teagan_

_P.S. Since you are here in Redcliffe, I will just give you this letter. I was overjoyed to see you, my love. You are right, recent events have changed you. I am so sorry for the tragedies you have experienced, but these events have not made you bitter, they have made you kinder and more gentle. A wiser, more experienced woman looks out of your beautiful eyes. I am more in love with you now than ever, but I will not pressure you now. There is too much at stake to distract you from your tasks._

...

Leliana saw me reading the letter at the fire and joined me.

"Teagan is very handsome," she commented. "He seems to love you very much. How do you feel about him?"

I smiled wistfully. "It is very complicated." I felt awful for keeping my secret from some of my traveling companions but the fewer who knew, the better.

She looked at me carefully. "If you wish me to write a letter for you again, I can do it, but surely you know how to write don't you?"

I felt stuck for a reply. The daughter of a noble would be well-educated. "My handwriting is garbage and my spelling is atrocious."

"Perhaps we can find some parchment, quill and ink and I can tutor you in writing," she said enthusiastically.

I smiled at her. "Yes, I would like that. We can squeeze it in when Morri isn't teaching me magic."

Leliana looked at me with her head titled to the side. "About that, you don't seem like a mage. You were obviously trained as a fighter, not someone who has spent their life in a Tower."

I nodded. I didn't think it would hurt to tell her a little. "I've only recently discovered this ability. I suppose if I weren't a Grey Warden I would have been sent to the Tower."

Alistair waited until Leliana left than seated himself next to me, looking at the letter with curiosity. "So, what does it say?"

I blushed, which was silly because I wasn't really the woman Teagan was in love with. I handed him the letter and he read it, his eyes looked like they would pop out of his face.

"Tasted you?" Alistair said. "What does he mean?"

I had to suppress a little giggle. "I suppose he's referring to an intimate act. I'll explain if you want to know."

Alistair looked at me with wide eyes, equally terrified and curious. "I suppose I should know... so that, I mean, so that if Teagan asks me anything I can be... Oh, just tell me."

"It's okay to admit to being curious, Al. I will tell you. Remember, you asked," I warned him.

He shifted on the log we were sitting on.

"When a man and a woman, well people of any gender actually, engage in ... pleasurable acts sometimes they use their mouths, like a kiss only involving other body parts."

Alistair was turning high pink but his eyes were riveted to mine.

"For instance, something as mundane and ordinary as a finger becomes an erotic symbol during lovemaking." I held up my finger and licked it slowly from base to tip, when I reached the tip I slowly inserted my index finger into my mouth and sucked on it, withdrawing it slowly.

"You see?" I said. "Rather sensuous, isn't it?"

Alistair's mouth fell open and his face was getting shiny with sweat.

I smiled wickedly at him. "Now, imagine if that was a woman, or man, you fancied doing that to your finger."

He gulped visibly.

"That's just a finger, there are other body parts that lovers taste." I couldn't help but notice that Leliana was staring at me and edging closer trying to overhear our conversation. Morrigan was behind us and we didn't see her approach.

"Some people are a little more literal than you are, Lucy. When mother tasted a lover, she really tasted him," Morrigan said with an evil laugh.

"Shoo!" I said. The interlopers were making Alistair very nervous. "This is a private conversation. Warden business!" The other women backed off and I continued my discourse.

"Where was I?" I asked him.

"You said... other body parts," he croaked.

"Right! Breasts, of course, and nipples. Nipples are very sensitive on both genders. Of course, neck and ears, earlobes. Mouth, lips, tongue, obviously. Everyone is different but those are commonly very pleasurable areas. Sometimes just licking and sucking isn't enough, little bites or a little pain is often pleasurable."

"Pain?" Alistair asked looking confused.

"Well, when your endorphins are flowing it isn't really painful, just more sensation."

"Endorphins?"

"A chemical your body makes when it is...happy. Just trust me on this."

Alistair nodded slowly. "So when Teagan mentioned he tasted you, er Elissa, he meant an earlobe?"

"Probably a bit south of there. We're still talking about above the waist. The entire body is fair play if you're adventurous enough."

Alistair's eyes grew wide. "So you mean he meant he tasted her..." he gestured briefly downward.

"Yes. Well, tasted is sort a polite way to say he pleasured her with his mouth." Poor Al was looking close to fainting.

"How?" he asked, choking on the word.

"Are you sure you're ready for this Alistair?" I asked him. I was willing to describe everything. I had had the benefit of Cosmopolitan when I was a teenager, salacious novels, gossipy girlfriends and, later on, Internet porn to add to my knowledge of lovemaking, this poor fellow was flying solo. I was happy to do a fellow woman the favor of making sure he wasn't completely ignorant. "Paying it forward," I believe was the proper phrase.

I took Alistair's hand. "Don't panic," I reassured him, "I'm just using your hand as a prop."

He looked panicked.

I took his index finger and middle fingers. "Imagine these are the legs of your lover. I spread the fingers apart and touched the webbing between his fingers. "Right here, towards the top... right at the apex of... everything, there's a little bit of flesh that roughly corresponds to the not-so-little bit of flesh dangling in your smalls."

Alistair yanked his hand away and coughed, choking on his spit. "So he..."

"Kissed Elissa there? Yes, most likely. Chances are, she returned the favor. I don't actually mean kiss I mean... "

"He pleasured her with his mouth?"

I beamed at him. "Yes, exactly."

He stood up abruptly. "I should go to bed," he said shortly and walked to his tent.

Morrigan and Leliana both sat next to me after that with mischievous looks on their faces.

"Oh, poor Alistair! He'll never be able to look at you again without think about Teagan doing that to you!" Leliana exclaimed.

"Lucy has performed a service for all womankind tonight. That was a very illuminating lecture, sister," Morrigan said.

"I just wish some of my lovers had been so informed," I told her.

"Lovers? You make it sound like you've had many, surely you're too young," Leliana said.

I smiled slightly. "I'm older than I look."

Morrigan snickered. "That's for sure."

"How old are you?" Leliana asked.

"A lady never tells," I replied smugly.

I must confess, my little chat with Alistair had me a bit worked up too. I couldn't quite get the image of Elissa and Teagan out of my head. I also retired to bed early, so did Leliana and Morrigan. It seemed that exhaustion was contagious.

**Note: **_Thanks for the reviews! Owlet's changed the course of the story a bit. :)_


	13. Paging Dr Dali to OR, Stat!

_**A Fine Place to Nap**_

The trip to the Circle Tower took nearly a week and my magic and my handwriting were both coming along. Leliana laughed at my "misspellings". It was ego bruising, I always prided myself on being a reasonably good speller... especially with a spelling checker built into my browser. I also found a book to read called "The Rose of Orlais", a rather salacious novel about a randy noble woman and a knight. Reading was definitely helping me master the different spellings of this place.

Magic-wise I was gaining confidence in my abilities rapidly. Morri assured me that under her tutelage I wouldn't have the problems that Circle mages have by being too constrained, too controlled. Magic should be slightly wild, she assured me. I asked her about the sort of magic Bendrick had practiced on me during our intimate moments and she warned me off experimenting in that direction too soon. It was magic that required a great deal of control and I could easily burn, freeze, or electrocute someone to death in the throes of passion.

For my first shape-changing Morri and I saw a horse in a field not far from where we were camping and she told me to study it closely. She told me the basics of casting the spell.

"Are you ready to try it, Lucy?" she asked.

"I'd like to," I told her.

"Then remove all your clothes and I'll guide you through it."

"Is that really necessary?" I asked, "Removing my clothes, I mean?"

"Yes. After you master it you'll be able to change with everything you carry and wear but for now, it'll get in the way."

I shrugged and disrobed. I'd gotten pretty good at taking off my armor by this time. Everything was shucked quickly and I stood nude in the field with the afternoon sun rapidly sinking. Morri talked me through the steps and I stared intently at the horse while I followed her directions. I felt a wild surge of magic and saw Morri was doing something to help me. Then, suddenly, I was different...

I almost fell over I was so startled to have four legs. Morri grinned at me and changed herself into a horse as well. She neighed and I tried to, but it came out a bit odd sounding. She stomped the ground with a front hoof and I did the same. Then she trotted off and I followed. It was difficult coordinating four legs. Fortunately it seemed like I had some native instinct to do it, even so, it was just...weird.

Morri looked back and saw I was managing a trot and she shifted into a canter and I followed. Again I had that weird feeling that I was a centipede with dozens of legs to manage, instead of just the four. But it came to me quickly. Just as I got used to that she went into a gallop and I learned that one as well.

The feeling was amazing. I could feel my mane and tail flying in the wind and the ground was getting eaten by my hooves. I whinnied and it came out strong and clear this time. I was loving this. Morri turned and watched me. I bucked and jumped and sprinted full out and then turned and charged back to her. She shook her horsey head at me as I skidded to a halt right in front of her. As soon as I stopped she began to trot back to where I'd left my clothes. I followed her, not wanting to change back this felt so amazing.

She shifted back to human form and told me to change. I shook my horsey head, "no".

"Lucy, come on. You have to take this slowly. You don't want to get stuck in horse form do you?"

Permanent horse form sounded pretty good actually. I wouldn't have to fake being Elissa any longer. It'd be much easier to fake being a horse. Just then my horsey bowels did what horse bowels do and I lifted my tail and dropped a pasture cookie. It was a rather nasty sensation and one that made me want to grab a handful of hay and wipe myself. I let the spell go.

"Very good for a first time," Morri said. "I helped you along with it, but now you know the basics. When you've gotten better you can do it without having an animal to stare at, and with your clothes on."

I was twitching with excitement. That was the most fun I'd had out of bed since... forever!

"Can I do that with any animal? Can we do it again? Can I be a hawk? A hummingbird? Or whatever that big bird is over there?" I deluged her with questions.

"Whoa! Slow down, Lucy. You should only try one form at a time, otherwise you'll mix them together and create a monstrosity."

I put my clothes back on and we walked back to camp. I was still bubbling over with excitement and couldn't wait to tell Alistair.

"I changed into a horse," I told him, my eyes dancing with excitement.

He looked at me suspiciously. "You should be careful, I'm not sure shape-changer magic is allowed by the Chantry."

"Al, do you know how amazing it is to _be a horse?_" I was drunk with it, I think that scared him more than anything.

"Just be careful, Lissy," he said, harshing my mellow.

I messed his hair up and promised I'd be careful.

We got to the Circle Tower the next day, late in the day. We had an interesting chat with a cheeky templar that Morrigan frightened into rowing us across the lake to the tower. The omens were not good. The templar told us something really bad had happened.

Inside the Knight-Commander of the Templars grumped at us and told us to leave, more or less. He was calling for the destruction of everything alive in the tower. A tale unfolded of how some of the mages had become abominations and that had started a chain of events that lead to them closing and barring the doors against anything leaving the upper floor of the tower.

I was having a hard time reconciling what Morri had told me about mages becoming abomination with what the Knight-Commander was saying.

"Look, lets not be hasty," I said. "Give us a chance to go in and put things to rights. We can perhaps rescue any survivors, templars and mages."

Greagoir looked at me like an alien had burst out of my chest. "You're either very brave or extremely insane," he said.

"If we live assume the former, otherwise just chalk it up to the latter," I suggest.

"Very well, it's your necks. However, if the Right of Annulment arrives... we're going to proceed." Greagoir shrugged.

What exactly was this _Right of Annulment_? A tactical missile strike?

Morri suggested I buy some lyrium dust from the guy with all the supplies on the bottom floor. "I'll show you how to use lyrium," she promised. I used our limited funds to buy some and she mixed them into potions and handed me some. "Oh, remind me to tell you about some of the _other_ uses for lyrium next time we've got some privacy."

My eyebrows raised and I smiled. "Oh? This should be good."

I turned to Alistair. "Well, let's go see these mages gone wild. I just wish I'd brought a video camera."

The templars guarding the doors let us through and shook their heads like they were thinking, "Poor stupid saps." The massive doors clanked into place behind us and I heard a heavy bolt slide into place.

We ran into Wynne almost immediately and she was extremely suspicious of us, thinking we were spirits or demons. She apparently remembered me and Alistair from Ostagar and he managed to assure her he was fully himself. I kept my mouth shut. If she had met me I could only harm our chances by speaking.

"Would you like to join us, Wynne?" I invited her. Her healing skills were sorely needed. Morri made no bones she preferred to explode things than heal.

She was actually eager to join us and she squeezed my arm in thanks, then jumped away from me like she'd been burned. "What manner of creature are you that has stolen this girl's body? she hissed at me, drawing her staff and looking ready to incinerate me.

"Oh boy," I said, "it's really not like that."

I saw Alistair was starting to glow with some sort of aura. "Don't, Wynne. You don't understand," he said.

Morri had draw her own staff and was pointing it at Wynne. "Back down, old woman," she growled.

I cringed, things were looking ugly. "Okay, everyone. Let's just all calm down a moment." I spread my hands showing I wasn't going to do anything. "I think I can explain, Wynne, if you'll give me a moment."

I gestured her to a ways off from her apprentices.

"I didn't steal anyone's body, I was thrust into this body without my consent or even knowledge it was happening."

Wynne narrowed her eyes at me. "You don't seem like a Fade spirit or a demon."

"I'm neither. I'm just a person from another... place. Not from Thedas. From another world entirely. I woke up in this girl's body and, I'm told, she woke in mine."

"What? I've never heard of such a thing," she said, looking like she didn't believe me.

"Have you ever heard of a witch named Flemeth?"

"Yes, in legends of course. But surely she was not real."

"Well, there is a witch named Flemeth and she's the one who did this. It's Morrigan's mom actually." I pointed to Morrigan.

"But why?" Wynne asked.

I shrugged. "I doubt you'd believe me if I told you. But you're right, I'm not the same girl you met in Ostagar. Can I ask how you figured it out so quickly?"

"I felt it when I touched you. You feel different from other people. Something I could tell from being a healer."

"I assure you, my goal is the same as Elissa's was, to fight to end the Blight as a Grey Warden. Alistair will tell you I've been an honorable companion, if somewhat odd."

Alistair nodded. "That's for sure. She's a good person, Wynne. Our mage, Bendrick, verified she's not possessed by a Fade spirit, and Duncan trusted her."

Wynne sighed, "Ah, Bendrick. I saw him fall."

I couldn't help myself, tears sprang to my eyes. "How...did it happen?" I wasn't really sure I wanted to know.

Alistair put a hand on my shoulder. "Not now, Lissy. We have other things to attend to." He was wise. I would probably have lost it if I'd heard.

I nodded sadly. Wynne looked at me with curiosity. "Wynne," I said, "my invitation to join us stands. We could really use your help."

She nodded. "I will go. We can work out the details of who you are and why you're here later. The most important thing is saving whoever we can in the tower."

So we went. I was eager to see these creatures from the place called "the Fade". Apparently they reside there looking for anyway possible to come into our world and hide under beds and in closets just waiting for the lights to go out and scare the bejeebers out of everyone.

I really felt sorry for the templars taken in by the desire demons. It seemed like the mages had been coerced into becoming demons but the templars easily fell to the wiles of the desire demons. I supposed it made sense. They'd lived lives subjugating their own human impulses and having something dangled in front of them that they really wanted, consciously or not, was probably a recipe for disaster. But the first time I threw open the door to a room and had a dozen templars wallop me with a smite, my sympathy evaporated.

Being drained of magic isn't fun, even if you only use your magic to take a shower or start the campfire. It leaves you feeling weak and shaky like you've just come off a major sugar high and your blood sugar is crashing. After that, I had Alistair start opening the doors.

We got close to the top of the tower when we ran into a really disgusting looking demon. It was large and looked like a giant walking abscess, wrapped in a bubo, inside a plastic surgery performed by Dr. Salvador Dali. My instinct for flight or fight was ripped away from me and I sunk into lethargy quickly followed by unconsciousness and dreams and I saw my companions melting into puddles around me.


	14. Chantry Boy Gone Wild

**Californian Dreamin'  
**  
I was a horse! Running as fast as the wind, my hooves thundered against the hard packed ground. The cool wind lifted my mane and my tail. I heard another horse running fast behind me, catching up. I bucked playfully, not trying to hurt the horse behind me. It caught up to me and nipped me on the flank and I whinnied with mock pain and fury. It didn't really hurt.

The other horse got in front of me and forced me to stop. I stood there a moment, my sides heaving with my breath, and my coat was damp with sweat. The other horse changed into a human and then so did I.

"Bendrick!" I cried when I saw him. "You're alive!" I threw myself into his arms. "I thought you...", I couldn't continue, my voice was choked with tears.

"Shush, Lucy. I'm here," he said softly. He stroked my hair and I just clung to him, suddenly and painfully reminded how much I had missed him, how much comfort he had been to me in a very confusing world.

"How did you escape the battle?" I asked. "And you're a shape-changer? I never knew that."

He smiled at me. "We didn't really have an opportunity to get to know each other that well, did we? We can now, Lucy."

"But the Blight, we have to take care of that. It will be good to have you with us. Did anyone else survive?" I asked.

"The Blight is over, Lucy. The Wardens won the battle and slew the archdemon. The King got his legendary battle and is enjoying himself in Denerim now."

I shook my head. "No, we lost the battle. Everyone died. Duncan, the King... Loghain withdrew when we lit the beacon. Alistair and I nearly died."

Bendrick took my hands in his and pulled me close. "Do I look dead, sweet Lucy?" He pulled me into a kiss and folded me up in his arms.

"No," I mumbled against his lips. It didn't make sense but it was easy to overlook that. I wanted him to be here. That nagging pull of sadness that had overlaid everything, left me. I was happy to think that what was cut short so brutally could be resumed. Happy and very uncritical. It was like my inner-skeptic had been car-jacked, left tied up and gagged, while inner-child went on a joy-ride with inner-skeptics sports car.

His fingers started hunting out the latches on my armor and I unfastened his robe. It all seemed to dissolve with little effort and we were lying in the meadow we had just been running through. The grass was soft and the sunshine was enough to keep us warm.

Before when we'd made love it always seemed like there was never quite enough time to really take our time, this time it felt like we could spend an eternity exploring each others' bodies. This time he used his magic to hold us back from the peak, not rush us to it.

His mouth was buried between my legs and I was close to climax once again when the air shimmered and I saw Morrigan standing next to me staring at us.

"Um," I said, really disappointed because I was really, really close and Bendrick had been teasing me for what seemed like ages, "really bad timing, Morri."

"You really should back away from him, Lucy, he's not who you think he is."

Bendrick sat up and looked at me. "Don't listen to her, Lucy. Stay here with me."

I sat up on my elbows, my inner-skeptic stirred a bit. I knew Morri was right. I'd known from the start it wasn't real, but I pushed that knowledge away as the unwelcome thing it was. I stood up and started to dress, tears running down my face.

"Lucy, every day could be like this," he told me. "No need to pretend to be someone you're not any longer. The Grey Wardens accept who you are, we all do."

Well yeah, they did, but Duncan also expected me to become Elissa Cousland. Bendrick on the other hand, accepted me for who I was.

"Demon?" I asked Morri. She nodded.

"Lucy," Bendrick said, "I love you."

"Stop! This is just cruel," I said, covering my ears.

Morri nodded. "Indeed," she said. She zapped Bendrick with a lightning bolt. That caused the demon to drop his disguise and I saw that it was a desire demon. I felt really stupid that I had thought myself immune to them compared to the poor templars. I saw then we all had vulnerabilities that could be exploited if we suspended our disbelief, if we gave into the temptation of wanting too badly what we could not have.

I pulled my daggers and between us we killed the desire demon without too much fuss, although I could barely see for the tears in my eyes. I never thought of her as the comforting type but Morrigan actually hugged me.

"Welcome to the Fade, Lucy," she said. "You did okay, just don't forget what you learned here today." She waited for me to collect myself. "We'd better find the others."

She took me to a Fade portal that reminded me of a Star Trek prop and we ended up in Alistair's dream.

"Oh no," I turned to Morri, flushing brightly. I saw that Alistair was putting into practice what I had told him about "tasting" a few nights back. Even worse, it was me, or a demon that looked like me, he was practicing on. "Do we really have to intrude?" I asked Morri.

"Yes. We'll get stuck here if we stay too long."

"Crap!" I really didn't want to know that Alistair was fantasizing about me. This brought up all sorts of things that made me uncomfortable. Al was like a son or nephew to me. Even though I looked like a girl his age, or younger, the brain was not. I'd have felt like I was robbing the cradle if I did anything with Alistair. "Let's get this over with," I told Morri.

We walked up to where we would be noticed. Alistair looked up at me, his face gleaming with... best not to think about it. "Lissy? What are you doing? How come there are two of you?"

I frowned. "There aren't, Alistair. That...", I pointed at the naked copy of me, "isn't me. It's best you stop and come with us."

"She's lying, my love," Not-me said, "she's the demon. Get back to work, you've improved a lot but you have a ways to go." Not-me tried to jam his head back between her thighs.

Alistair looked between us, looking torn and confused.

Morrigan looked at Alistair with disgust. "Alistair, think about it carefully now, with the brain on top of your shoulders, small as it is. Remember the Mage tower and the hideous demon with the melted face?"

Alistair glared at Morrigan. "If this were a dream you'd be nice to me."

"She's right, Al. Morrigan and I are real but that... copy of me isn't. It's probably a desire demon."

Alistair jumped up suddenly and wiped his face off looking disgusted.

"Sorry, Al... I know the feeling," I said. I couldn't help but notice that Alistair's rapidly shrinking manhood was impressive. I filed that information away in the _Do Not Go There_ section of my brain.

"Alistair..." Not-me whined, "I want you, pumpkin. I have so much to teach you."

"Pumpkin?" I said, "Really? I'd never say that."

Morrigan laughed. "That's not a copy of you, it's a copy of you from Alistair's mind. Stand back, lover-boy, your girlfriend is going to fry."

Alistair jumped back and tripped over his clothes and armor while Morrigan lit up Not-me with a lot of voltage. As it happened for me, the demon took it's real form. Alistair grabbed his shield and sword and swung at her, naked as he was. She was dead, or whatever state demons go into after you make them stop moving, in short order.

I turned my back and let Alistair dress in privacy.

"Lissy, I'm really...", Alistair started to say, fumbling for words.

"No need to say anything, Al. It's just a dream. You should see some of the whacky dreams I have."

Morrigan looked at me sideways like there was something she really wanted to tell me.

When Alistair was dressed I clapped him on the back. "Let's get out of this place. It's very depressing."

That was an understatement when we came to Wynne's dream. She was being tormented with images of the apprentices she hadn't been able to save. I wasn't sure what their goal was - to try to get her to commit suicide? It was horribly depressing and Wynne was ready to give up and die.

The three of us talked to her and got her to remember where we had been and realize that she was in the Fade and it was just a dream. We killed the inevitable demons that spawned from the illusionary apprentices and took the final portal and met the disgusting beast who had sent us here.

Morrigan had acquired some amazing skills in the Fade. She was able to turn into a flaming man, a golem, or a spirit. She was instrumental in us killing the the demon that was blocking our exit from the Fade. It was a horrible fight and it nearly killed us each more than once.

When the beast fell, we awoke in the Circle Tower. Morrigan ran to the corpse of someone lying nearby and held up a book and said it would prevent a blood mage from making a thrall. Something I didn't understand at all. I made a mental note to question her about that.

Not one of us, except perhaps Morri, was not shaken and pensive with what happened in the Fade. It was difficult to face that next flight of stairs and confront whatever was up there. But we had to go on and so we did.

We found the templar, Cullen, who looked three-quarters insane, and we promised we'd release him from his glowing prison. One last flight of steps to the Harrowing chamber and I suspected what we would encounter would be harrowing indeed. Fortunately it was just that officious little mage, Uldred. I remembered him from that meeting just after I woke up in this world. He was tormenting a rather elderly mage with some sort of magical energy.

"Hey! Stop that." I shouted at him. Elder abuse was a terrible thing to witness. "What kind of monster are you?"

Uldred turned, and dropped the spell off the old man, and looked at me. He giggled. "Indeed, good question." His gaze swept over me carefully. "I seem to remember you, vaguely. But how could I forget someone as intriguing as you? An outsider but not from the Fade. What are you?"

I narrowed my eyes, drew my weapons, stood up very straight, tried to look as threatening as possible.

"Your doom," I said, thinking I had delivered the line quite well.

Uldred found it funny. Although I suppose, as a villain, he was required to laugh. "You will join us too, eventually. Your power is... interesting, unusual and untamed."

I knew this script cold. "Never!" I hissed, "I'd rather die than join the likes of you." _Now you say, "that can be arranged", _I thought.

Uldred smirked. "Very well, as you wish." He changed into the biggest demon we'd seen yet.

Bastard! Deviating from the script. The Writer's Union would have their revenge.

Another fight with another demon. Morrigan kept doing something with the book she had picked off the corpse. I was busy poking Uldred full of holes, aerating him like a duck about to be roasted. Seriously, you puncture the skin with a lot of little holes and the fat drains out and the skin gets really nice and crispy. Glorious!

"Morri, roast this fat duck," I called to her.

She looked at me like I'd lost my mind but she did her best. Unfortunately he didn't smell nice like a roasting duck. He smelled like a pile of burning tires. I certainly wasn't tempted to try roast demon after we finally killed him.

Wynne performed admirably as a healer. I'd get a claw raked across my arm one minute and the next minute there would be absolutely no sign that I'd been wounded. I wondered how she was with menstrual cramps.

Wynne introduced us to First Enchanter Irving, the man Uldred had been abusing. He explained what had happened, how Uldred hadn't liked the way the meeting was going and he decided to hijack the agenda by summoning a demon that took him over. He was a sneaky, conniving little weasel. Apparently he had been really good at uncovering blood mages, while secretly being in league with them. I wondered how many of those so-called blood mages were actually just mages wrongfully accused. And I still didn't really know what a blood mage was, I was going to have to talk about that with Morri.

"Well, now that we got all the demons taken care of, we'd better get back to Greagoir," I said. "He said he was going to _invoke the Right of Annulment_. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but I doubt if it's got anything to do with an unconsummated marriage."

We helped Irving down all the flights of stairs and the Knight-Commander actually looked happy to see him.

"So," I gloated slightly, "I guess this means we're not insane, eh?" I reminded Greagoir of his words.

"Yes. Yes," he snapped at me, "You're very brave."

We made arrangements for some mages to come to Redcliffe Castle as soon as possible and while we were there we reminded Greagoir of the treaty with the Grey Wardens and that we would be needing assistance. He refused to send any templars but Irving did promise mages, although given their causalities here I wondered how many we would get.

Wynne said she'd come along with us and I was overjoyed to have her. I felt that once we'd gotten my origins squared away we'd have something in common... being old.

...

_The title of this chapter is actually from the song: California Dreamin' but I stuck an __'n' on California to make it descriptive of Lucy's trip to the Fade._

_Thanks for the reviews folks! It makes my day.  
_


	15. The Rose

**Der Rosenkavalier **(The Rose Knight)

That evening it was quiet at first. Those of us who had gone to the tower were consumed in disturbing memories of dreams that seemed too real. It seemed only Morrigan was unaffected. I needed to talk to Wynne however and explain to her what she had sensed about me. It seemed like I was going to have a difficult time concealing my oddness to mages, especially healers.

"Wynne, do you have a moment?" I asked, a rather silly question really for people with so few diversions.

"Of course..." she looked confused for a moment. "I don't know what to call you. What do you prefer?"

"I prefer Lucy. That was my name where I came from. However, Alistair is concerned that I keep up the facade. I did get him to call me Lissy, which is close. I suppose Al is right. Not everyone here knows my secret."

Wynne nodded and called me "Lissy". I explained the whole story of how Morrigan's mom did the switched my mind with Elissa's, and how terribly confused I was at first.

"It seems I have some magical ability in this world as well," I confessed, wondering how a Circle mage would react to that.

"Maker's breath!" she swore. "At your age? This is... astonishing."

"Well, it took me by surprise, you can bet."

"You should be in the tower getting proper training so you don't hurt someone." She paused a moment thinking. "I suppose that's out of the question now. You have to defeat the Blight. I'll just have to tutor you myself," she said.

"Morrigan has been tutoring me, actually. It's been going pretty well."

"Harrumph! You're learning magic from an apostate? That could be dangerous."

I shrugged. "So far it's working out. She is teaching me what I'm asking to learn."

"And what would that be?"

"I can do a frost spell, flame spell and summon warm water out of my hands by combining them. We're working on shape-changing now."

"Warm water? What on earth for? Do you intend to wash the archdemon?"

I laughed. "No, but where I come from... well, we had amenities you don't have here and I'm uncomfortable when I'm not clean. I know my magic is weak but that's not what I'm most skilled at. It would be unrealistic to expect me to perform as a mage in a battle. I'm a fighter, or at least, Elissa was."

Wynne sighed. "But shape-changing? The Chantry frowns on that."

Normally I would have made some smart-mouthed remark about the Chantry but Wynne was new. I had to break her in gently.

"Good thing I'm a Grey Warden then, eh? We're outside of the Chantry's purview. And Morrigan is an accomplished shape-changer, it would be a shame to miss that opportunity."

"I wouldn't count on the Chantry's support, especially since Loghain as declared the Grey Wardens traitors and put a bounty on your heads."

"Ah well, let's just hope we don't run into any zealots then," I said. "I appreciate your offer to tutor me. I will take help from any source. I think between you and Morrigan I will learn a lot."

I mentioned Bendrick and how dependent I was on him and how quickly he'd been snatched away from me.

Wynne patted my hand and told me how he had died. He was overwhelmed by darkspawn. He just couldn't kill them fast enough and he just disappeared under a wave of them.

I suppose it was best to know. I hadn't really had a chance to mourn him. I thanked her and went to my tent where I finally indulged in the tears, sobs and dripping snot that I had somehow avoided until then. I'm sure the others must have heard me, I wasn't able to be quiet about it. Several times, someone tried to come into my tent to comfort me but I sent them away. That never works on me. I have to work these things out by myself. Being comforted just makes it hurt worse. I'm sure my noisy display was a horrible way to end everyone's miserable day.

...

The next morning Morri woke me up very early.

"Come with me, Lucy," she pulled me out of the camp, wouldn't even let me put my armor on. I just had my thin cotton tunic. We walked together across a field to a pasture with a horse.

"Time to practice," she told me.

I felt better after last night. I felt like perhaps I could finally put some of the sadness behind me. I remembered the last time I changed into a horse and I took off the few clothes I was wearing. Morri walked me through the steps again. This time she didn't use her own magic to help me. I was able to do it myself and I turned into a copy of the horse in the field. I wasn't the young, strong horse from the last time. This time I was a rather broken down, old horse. It felt almost like being back in my old body.

I walked a few circles around Morrigan, my grizzled old horsey head bobbing with each step.

"This is why, Lucy, when you shape-shift you need to have a strong, mental model of what you want to be. Otherwise you have to just copy something around you and the choices aren't always good. When you've had a chance to study horses close up for awhile you can do it without a model."

I nodded my horsey head and whickered, blowing a snot bubble at Morri.

"Ew, gross. Keep your nasal discharges to yourself, you old nag."

I laughed which came out as a very funny sound but Morrigan found it funny too and laughed with me.

"Stay in horse form for awhile. It's good practice. Just listen while I tell you something." She stroked my grizzled mane - funny how a gesture like that would be unthinkable while I was a human, but just seemed second nature to her while I was a horse.

"The dreams you saw in the Fade were designed to trap us there. They pluck that which we desire most from our hearts. You desired your Bendrick and a happier ending to the events in Ostagar. That was the keenest desire in your heart, so the demon exploited that."

I nodded my horsey head and pawed the ground twice which, I decided just then, meant "Yes, so?"

"So, Alistair's keenest desire is... Do you see where I'm going with this?"

I whinnied in alarm and shook my head.

"Yes, it's true."

"Are you talking to horses now, Morrigan?" Alistair asked, walking up to us. Fortunately he didn't hear Morrigan's comment.

"Why not? They're better conversationalists than you are. Besides, this horse is exceptionally smart."

Alistair looked irritated with her comment. "Oh, a smart horse is it? And what makes this horse so smart?"

"It can do sums," she said. "Watch." She turned to me and said in a commanding voice, "Horse, what is 2 and 5?"

I neighed and pounded seven times on the ground with my hoof.

Alistair stood for a moment, his hand rubbing his jaw, looking puzzled. "What is 2 and 7?"

I pounded the ground nine times.

"Maker's breath!" he said. He must have forgotten about what I told him about Morrigan teaching me shape-changing.

"Horsey, where is Alistair?" Morrigan asked.

I walked closer to Alistair and drooled on his head.

He gasped. "This horse is... unnatural. It is it some sort of demon?"

Morrigan laughed. "Is that where your mind flees every time you can't explain something?"

He looked at her suspiciously. "Then it's some sort of spell you cast on it?"

"You're getting warmer," Morrigan said. "Lucy, you should probably change back. You've spent enough time in form."

I shook my head and walked over to my clothes and neighed.

"I think she wants you to turn around, Alistair."

"That's Lissy? She really can turn into a horse?" He stared at me gape-mouthed.

Morrigan gestured for him to turn around and he collected himself enough to obey.

I released the horse form and snatched up my clothes and dressed quickly. "Okay, I'm decent."

"Lissy! You really did turn into a horse?"

I nodded and smiled. It felt good to smile again after a night spent in tears. "Sorry about the silly prank."

"I just have one question," he asked, "why'd you choose such an old broken-down horse?"

Morrigan laughed. "She can only copy animals now. She needs a good image of the horse she wants to be and the easiest way is to just copy one. In fact, that one standing over there by the barn. Eventually she'll be able to design her own form."

Alistair stared at me in amazement. "Um, can we talk in private a moment?"

Morrigan shrugged. "Very well, discuss your 'Warden business', I'll go have my breakfast." She turned into a wolf before our eyes and ran off into the woods, presumably looking for breakfast.

"Hm, I wonder if I'll be able to breakfast on hay when I'm a horse," I wondered aloud.

Alistair grinned at me. "Better than my left-over stew?"

"Sorry, but yes," I smiled apologetically.

"Well, I just wanted to see if you are okay, today," he said. "It sounded like you were unhappy last night."

I took a deep breath. "I'm okay. I just never really had a chance to actually mourn and it overwhelmed me when Wynne told me about Bendrick. And then in the Fade... it was just I wanted to believe it was real."

Alistair flushed when I mentioned the Fade. "About that, I'm really sorry. I mean, you must think I'm a colossal pervert."

I laughed. "No, actually, I think you're a healthy male and perhaps ready to find a healthy female and do what the Maker intended for us all to do."

"But... it was you, Lissy."

"I'm sure Elissa would have been flattered, Al. But you realize that wasn't really me in your dream. Don't be confused by this young facade, I'm still a 52 year old woman underneath it all. I can't help but think of you as the son I never had, or perhaps a nephew."

"Ouch," Alistair said. "So what happened in the Fade couldn't really happen?"

I shook my head sadly. "I think you see Elissa when you look at me. A beautiful, young woman and perhaps you've idealized her, or me, a bit. I can't tell you how many times I did that in my youth. I completely missed seeing the person I adored because I was too busy imagining who I wanted them to be. The greatest compliment you can pay anyone is to see them for who they truly are and still love them."

Alistair nodded. "I think I understand."

"Let's go get some breakfast. I'm not ready to try eating hay yet."

"Wait, there's something...I want you to have." He pulled a rose out from behind him. "I just thought it might cheer you up."

I smiled at him. "This is lovely, Alistair, and very thoughtful. It worked. I do feel better."

"Good. I'm glad, Aunt Lucy." He smiled at me mischievously. "I'd hate for someone your age to be depressed."

I narrowed my eyes. "All right now, no age cracks, Al, or I'll have to box your ears."

"You'll beat me with your cane?" he asked, starting to run.

"I warned you!" I chased after him and caught him just before the camp. I gave him a noogie he wouldn't soon forget. We were laughing wildly and everyone stared at us.

"Warden business," Alistair explained.


	16. No Oscar for me

_**The Journal**_

It took us two more days to get back to Redcliffe and I was getting excited. Alistair told me the Arl had fine horses, some of the best in the country, and I was getting anxious to perfect my horse form. Suddenly I was actually looking forward to sleeping in the stables. What I wasn't looking forward to was seeing Bann Teagan again. I knew I was going to have to deal with him a little more directly than I had before.

Our last night before we reached Redcliffe I was starting to run out of room in my pack so I unloaded everything and looked for things I could do without. I'd never really gone through Elissa's stuff that carefully, just pulled whatever I needed out and used it. There was a shirt stuffed into the bottom that I hadn't ever pulled out, so I pulled it out too. It smelled a bit sweaty so I set it aside to wash it.

I went through all her belongings and had to ask Wynne what a few items were. I found out the thick cotton things were to handle "monthly courses". _Oh joy_. Counting back, I had been here nearly two weeks, I was going to have to deal with that soon. Being 52 years old, one of the things I had been looking forward to was the cessation of that, but it looked like I was doomed to another 30 years or so of it. Eh, all things considered, I could deal with it if the payoff was a 20 year old body.

"A mage can with a simple healing type of spell, of course, circumvent that necessity," Wynne told me.

And so was born my new fascination with learning more magic. Wynne promised she'd teach me the spell and also remove the troublesome issue while I was learning it. Things were looking up!

Leliana offered to do my laundry with her own so I handed a pile of stinky clothes, including the shirt from the bottom of the bag.

I went off with Alistair to hunt for dinner. We weren't the greatest shots with bows but I managed to freeze a big game bird, a pheasant he told me, and he shot a rabbit. I was pretty excited about using magic to bag the bird. What I didn't realize was I was expected to actually dress the bird myself. The bird wasn't so bad, except for plucking out all the feathers. Cutting out the intestines was rather unsettling when I realized I really didn't want to accidentally cut into the intestines.

When dinner was nearly ready Leliana came back and hung our laundry on big rocks near the fire to dry. She sat down next to the fire and opened a small book. After reading for a few minutes she looked at me with an odd expression on her face.

"I think this might be yours," she said, handing me the book.

I looked at it blankly. The outside was completely unmarked. I opened it and saw a neat, small script. I read a bit and realized it was Elissa's journal.

"Where'd you find this?" I asked her.

"It fell out of the bundle of clothes you handed me."

I thought it mustn't been wrapped up in the shirt at the bottom of the pack.

"Ah, thanks!" I said. "I thought I had lost it."

Leliana was stil looking at me strangely. "The odd thing is, in your journal you write with a neat hand your spelling is impeccable."

I could feel all the eyes around the campfire on me. I was at a loss on how to explain it.

"I think a vicious bump on the head at Ostagar did something to my ability to write," I quickly prevaricated.

Wynne nodded. "Yes, that can happen. There was a woman at the Tower who took a nasty hit to the head and she woke up with an Orlesian accent. Oddly she had never even been to Orlais."

Leliana smiled sweetly. I knew she hadn't bought a word of it. "Dinner smells lovely! You and Alistair did a good job."

Everyone knowing my secret jumped on the opportunity to divert attention away from me and I was thankful. I was also dying to read what the journal said. I got Wynne to teach me a little spell to summon a small light so I could read the journal in relative privacy and I went to bed early... to read this time. I decided to start from the back so I'd be updated on her most recent events first.

30, Justinian 5  
_Have arrived with Duncan and Liam at Ostagar. I met the King. He is an extraordinarily handsome man. He promised justice for Arl Howe and that he would restore our lands to us. My brother is on a scouting mission in the Wilds. I am worried about him. Duncan is sending us out to the Wilds to collect darkspawn blood for some sort of ritual. I will be going with Alistair, Daveth and Jory._

_Alistair is very easy on the eyes but a bit dense. Daveth is a nobody, some cut-purse that was going to be hung. Ser Jory is a nervous knight, he doesn't seem much like Grey Warden material to me. It seems like my new companions will be commoners and criminals._

30, Bloomingtide 28  
_I have escaped from home with Duncan after Rendon Howe and his troops attacked the castle just after Fergus left with most of our troops. Everyone died, I suppose. Mother, Father, Roland Gilmore, Nan and all the servants._

_I knew there was something up with Howe! He acted smarmier than usual and reacted strangely to the news that a Grey Warden was present. In hindsight, I understand why. He feared Duncan might foil his plans. I just can't understand why Howe would do this, unless he's just gone completely mad. Surely he must know that he will be punished for this by the King. _

_I feel that my entire life has been rent. Duncan conscripted me, although truthfully I rather wished to join the Grey Wardens since my prospects for marrying well were so bleak._

_I am numb with disbelief and shock. I cannot write about this yet._

30, Bloomingtide 14_  
I have received another letter from Bann Teagan. He has asked me again if I would marry him. I suppose he feels it is the honorable thing to do since he took my maidenhead. I wouldn't mind him as a lover, he seemed to know what he was doing, unlike the fumbling gropings of Ser Gilmore, but to marry him? There aren't many male heirs of appropriate standing and age in Ferelden right now. Teagan is kind and I like him, but he is a bit old for me and his holdings are modest at best._

_Arl Howe's sons, I suppose are about the best prospect, although Thomas is a drunkard and wastrel. Nathaniel has been in the Free Marches for years now. But I hate to think of living in proximity to Arl Howe. The man is just creepy. I've seen the way he looks at Mother and me. That leaves Banns and their sons, or perhaps the King if he puts aside Anora. I have heard rumors about it, but one always does. _

_I overheard Mother and Father talking about Teyrn Loghain as a match. Talk about old! Mother was not for it, she felt he was too old and I'd be too far away. Still, I must confess for such an old man he is rather compelling. It would be an interesting challenge to find something passionate under that unyielding exterior. Although, I expect he probably won't live long and then I'd be left with a Teyrn of my own and then I could marry whoever I chose, if I choose anyone. This could be a rather advantageous match for my family._

30, Cloudreach 3  
_I had to punish my maid again. She dropped a figurine and broke it. I slapped her for her clumsiness. Mother got wind of it and gave me a lecture on treating the servants respectfully and not being excessively strict. That's the problem with these servants! They've gotten away with such slackness for far too long. The elves in particular need to be kept in their place._

_..._

Hmm. I was getting a feeling that Elissa was ambitious, spoiled, racist, self-centered and willing to use people to get what she wanted. It wasn't painting a picture of the person I wanted to spend my life imitating. Hopefully I could pass off my personality changes as the result of transformative events at Ostagar. That, at least, wouldn't be a lie.

But more than ever, I realized I had to tell Teagan that I wasn't interested. It sounded like Elissa was using him for sexual gratification. Which, in and of itself, I wouldn't object to as long as it's mutual. I sighed. I liked Bann Teagan too, but I wouldn't exploit what Elissa had started. If only I didn't have to maintain this facade.

I closed the journal and wondered about Elissa's brother. Did he live? If so, what should I do? I could never hope to fool him, I was certain of that.

...

We found everything at Redcliffe Castle almost exactly as we had left it, most fortunately. Somehow the mages had gotten there ahead of us. I learned later they had taken a boat and had arrived early that morning. The First Enchanter himself had come and he explained what was needed. Someone would have to go into the fade to confront the demon holding Connor hostage.

Everyone was looking at me to make a decision. It was becoming more obvious all the time that I was the de facto leader of the group, simply because I was willing to make decisions, not out of any true authority or expertise. The only authority I had was completely borrowed from Elissa's status as a noble. Expertise. Ha! I a toddler had more experience in this world than I did.

I pulled Morrigan and Wynne aside for a quick consultation.

"Should I go?" I asked them.

They both shook their heads. "You just don't have enough mastery of magic yet," Morrigan said.

"One of us should go," Wynne said. "I'll be happy to go."

Morrigan shook her head. "You need someone with more offensive spells. You'd better send me."

Morri did seem to do well in the Fade, certainly she had fared better than Wynne in the Mage tower.

"All right, Morri. If you're up for it, then let's do this."

Morri did something with the vapors of a metal, or mineral, called lyrium and she crumpled to the floor.

I looked at Wynne in alarm. She whispered to me that Morri was okay.

We spent a tense hour waiting for her to awaken, if she succeeded. Teagan hovered at my shoulder. Isolde was quiet for a change, she looked drawn and worried.

Morrigan finally stirred and sat up holding her head.

"I hate the Fade," she said, grumpily. "Your son is himself again," she said to Isolde. "If he's a demon still, it's due to a lax upbringing."

I helped Morrigan up and tried very hard not to laugh at her comment. We all went to find Connor where he had barricaded himself in his room. He was playing with a toy-horse and seemed like a normal kid.

"Maker's breath! We are fortunate to have had your help," Teagan effused.

We went to check on Arl Eamon, he still lay in a coma on the bed. The mage attending to him shook his head. "Magic is not helping."

Teagan filled us in on Isolde's quest for the Urn of Sacred Ashes. It sounded pretty far-fetched to me. But thinking about it, pretty much everything I'd encountered here was, so I probably shouldn't dismiss it out-of-hand. The best clue we had for the Urn was a brother from the Chantry living in Denerim. This would be interesting. I wondered how, with our fugitive status, we'd be able to even enter Denerim.

"Can you stay a few days and rest?" Teagan asked. "You must be tired from your journey."

I selfishly wanted to stay so I could study the horses and attempt to make progress with my shape-changing. I also desperately wanted to sleep in a real bed, or what passed for real beds here. I missed my inner spring, memory-foam topped mattress. I turned to Alistair. "It seems like a few days rest might go a long ways towards increasing our effectiveness, don't you think?"

Alistair shrugged. "I suppose, but the sooner we get Arl Eamon back the sooner we can deal with Loghain."

"You don't need to decide now," Teagan suggested. "Decide in the morning."

I nodded. "That sounds reasonable. We can decide over breakfast."

Now I had a terrible choice to make. I could sleep in a bed or in the stables. I wanted the bed so badly... but the horse form would be so useful for us. I consulted with Morrigan.

"Do I really need to sleep in the stable?" I whispered.

Morrigan nodded, a little smile playing over her lips. "In fact, tonight you should spend the night as a horse."

"Oh boy," I said, my enthusiasm distinctly lacking. I could just imagine a whole night spent standing up.

"Teagan," I took the handsome Bann aside. "Did the Arl's stables survive the attacks?"

"Ah! I haven't checked. Would you like to accompany me to check on the horses? Hopefully the horses are fine. He had the finest stable in all Ferelden."

We went to see the horses and they were alive. They were all in the fenced pasture and had survived on grass during the last week or so. They were a magnificent looking bunch of horses.

I did not know much about horses except to say, "Oooh, pretty!", when one was exceptionally shiny and fit looking. Most of these looked exactly that way.

"I should have known you'd want to check on the horses right away," Teagan said as we stood in the pasture.

"Why is that?" I asked.

Teagan looked surprised and laughed. "What? You've always been such a horse enthusiast. You ride better than anyone I know. Such false modesty, my dear."

I laughed feebly. "Ha! Well, I've been out of the saddle for so long now, I am pretty rusty."

"I think the moment I fell in love with you was when I saw you riding in Highever, jumping over fences as if they were molehills, with your russet hair streaming out behind you."

I felt guilty. I had to stop this.

"Teagan," I interrupted him, ready to tell him that Elissa... I... did not love him.

It was almost as if he knew what I was about to say. He turned on me suddenly and pushed me back against the pasture fence and his lips met mine in a fierce kiss. My hands went to his chest to push him way but they were surprisingly lacking in strength, or perhaps will. His mouth seemed to drain me of my honest intentions as his tongue met mine. Wait... mine? What was I doing? This was wrong. I finally came to my sense and pushed away from him.

"This isn't right. I can't mislead you like this, Teagan," I said, panting from the sudden assault of lust and desire that was making a mockery of my attempt to not deceive this good man.

"Stop saying that," he said. "You're thinking too much."

A bitter smile half-twisted my mouth. "Oh, I'd like nothing more than to stop thinking right now, but I won't hurt a good man to appease my baser desires."

He pulled away from me. His expression registered puzzlement. "You are different."

"You don't know the half of it," I said. I had a sudden urge to tell him everything.

"Tell me, Elissa. What has changed?" His face looked so concerned, so intent on learning whatever lay within my heart.

"I can't tell you," I said. "I'm very sorry. Just know that I couldn't in good faith continue what was started between you and Elissa."

Teagan looked at me strangely and I suddenly realized he would think I was talking about myself in the third person, which was probably a very weird thing.

I scrambled. "I mean... of course... between you and the Elissa I once was." Not a bad recovery really, pretty much honest too. "That Elissa was lost at Ostagar."

He looked at me, his eyes piercing me. I felt flayed. My guilt and secrets were laid bare to his gaze. This man seemed to see through my obfuscations, no matter how close to the truth they were. Would he let me have them? Or was he going to make me confess my fraud?

"You aren't telling me something," he said. "I've stood by patiently, waiting for you to reveal your feelings to me and instead you hide even more."

I felt like dirt, by proxy. Elissa hadn't cared a fig about this man's feelings. She was just using him. I would have to do her dirty work and dump him.

I grimaced. "Yes, there are things I'm not saying. I can't say them. Please believe me, I would like to say them. I would like to be completely honest with you, but the success of everything means I have to be someone I'd rather not be."

He said nothing but his eyes showed his understanding that I was ending whatever relationship he had had with Elissa.

"The girl you slept with, Teagan, was a spoiled, selfish, and ambitious child. She didn't deserve your devotion or love. I am sorry, but I do not love you. I can't marry you." My eyes were stinging with tears. I did not want to hurt him. "Find a woman who truly deserves you."

He looked at me awhile longer before speaking. "I don't know what you're not telling me, but that kiss belies your words. When you're ready to tell me the truth, I will listen. I promise you I will keep your confidences."

I looked down and bit my lips to keep everything from spilling out.

"Let's get these horses back to the stable," I suggested.

We worked together silently, but I kept catching him looking at me with a look that seemed pained, and yet appraising. I didn't trust myself with being able to keep anything a secret from him.

We went back to the castle talking sporadically about things that were more neutral, like demons and abominations and what the Fade was like. By the time we got back the uncomfortable silence was gone.

…

That night Morrigan and I sneaked out to the stables and she coached me in the night's lesson. I was spend a few hours observing the horses and try to hold a mental image of a horse in my mind. Close my eyes and turn into that horse. When I got it right, I was to hold the form for the entire night.

She stayed with me for awhile, judging how my horse was shaping up, as it were. I was going for a red horse, the same color as Elissa's hair with a dark brown mane and white socks. I wouldn't be copying a horse this time, this one would be from my own mind. I missed a few minor details but eventually I did a reasonable job.

Morrigan stroked my mane and wished me a good night. She left me standing in the stable, wondering what I was going to do for the next eight or so hours, hoping I would be able to sleep.


	17. Truth or Dare?

**A Very Bad Day**

I awoke the next morning, just before sunrise, naked, curled up in a ball, lying on top of a pile of hay. Sometime in the night I must have dropped the spell. I remembered being in a sort of dream state standing up, shifting my weight around on three legs at a time, giving the forth leg a break. I picked it up from the other horses. Horses are very, very light sleepers and only sleep a few hours a day. I guess that's a good thing to do when you're further down on the food chain.

I felt like crap. I really hoped that when I mastered this magic I'd feel better getting my sleep as a horse, but right now, I was feeling horrible: cold, cranky, smelling like horse dung - and the pièce de résistance, I just realized I had my period, so I had cramps, and PMS too. Great.

I got dressed and went to the castle. The sun had just barely risen. A guard on the way in stared at me. I probably looked as terrible as I felt. I went to my room, trying to attract as little attention as possible. Surely everyone sneaks out of a warm, comfortable - well, relatively - castle to spend the night in a stable.

I was as quiet as possible sneaking back into my room, and that was pretty damn quiet. Elissa's body seemed pretty adept at moving silently. I was looking forward to perhaps stealing an hour or two in an actual bed. So when I opened the door and slunk into my still dark room, my eyes were only on the pristine bed that I was looking forward to burrowing into. So it was entirely forgivable that I missed seeing that someone was in the chair on the other side of the room. I was pulling back the covers, groaning in gratitude and exhaustion, when I finally noticed someone in the chair and I shrieked.

"Maker's fucking breath!" I yelled.

"Elissa!" Teagan said. "It's just me."

When my heart slowed down I asked, "What are you doing in my room?"

He stood up. "I came by last night, to talk to you. You were gone. Where were you? Why do you smell like a horse and have straw sticking out of your hair?"

"You were here the entire night?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes," he said. He walked over to the bed where I sitting. His face looked angry. "Did you sneak off for a tumble in the stables with someone?"

I shook my head slowly like I was trying to shake off a bizarre dream. "A tumble? Are you insane?" The PMS wasn't allowing me much sympathy for a scorned, jealous lover.

"Then explain yourself," he said. "Why are you creeping back to your room?"

I was becoming furious. "I don't have to explain myself to you. Whatever happened with us is in the past, and it's not even my past! I'm sick of it. Sick of having to apologize for her and make excuses for things she did, and cleaning up after her thoughtless mistakes."

It was the PMS and exhaustion. Apparently something Elissa's body had in spades. I never suffered with it, so the fury, then the despair, came as an utter surprise. Hormones are such fun. I started weeping.

One of the fun things - if it can be called fun - about being older was your emotions level out. You don't have the giddy highs and lows you suffer from in your youth. I liked that peaceful stability. My temperament tends to be fairly sanguine tinged with cynicism, squallish weeping was very rare. And here I was having a melt-down like a thwarted three-year old.

Teagan looked horribly confused. I was talking in third person again. My paroxysm of emotion overrode all my filters, I was spilling truth like a faulty kidney spills protein.

I turned away from him and buried my face in the pillow. "Go away," I said, my voice muffled.

"No," he replied stubbornly, "I'm not going away. I deserve an explanation. I'm tired of the half-truths and deception. I never know where I stand with you and I'm not leaving until I do."

"Oh God," I moaned into the pillow, forgetting the proper deity to call upon. I sat up and scrubbed my face with my hands, trying to dash away the tears and exhaustion. I could just wake my companions and we could leave and perhaps offend our greatest ally. Or I could trust him.

"Did you mean what you said, about keeping my confidences? Would you do it even if you thought I was stark raving mad?"

He looked at me intently and said, simply, "Yes".

"All right then." I glared at him. "Remember _you_ asked. I would have spared you this craziness." I got up out of the bed so I could pace.

"I'm not Elissa. At least, my mind isn't Elissa's. I woke up in her body a few days before the battle at Ostagar and she, I have learned, woke up in my body."

Teagan was looking skeptical.

"Yeah, I told you this would sound insane. See, either you're in infatuated with a mad-woman or else I'm not the person you think I am. Kind of bad, either way, isn't it?" I chuckled grimly.

"The Commander of the Grey Wardens figured out fairly quickly that something had happened to his new recruit and I was examined by a mage who figured out what had happened. You can ask Alistair and he'll verify everything. I thought I was either dreaming or insane when I woke up in this world. My presence in Elissa's body caused some havoc and it took a few days to get me squared away. Duncan, the Grey Warden Commander, impressed upon me that I had to maintain her identity."

"Elissa..." Teagan started to say.

"My real name is Lucy Woodridge. You might have heard Morrigan calling me Lucy. She refuses to call me Elissa. After all, she knows how it was I was brought here."

Teagan squeezed the bridge of his nose. "I... it's just... oh, go on."

"I warned you. This story doesn't get any less weird. Morrigan's mother, Flemeth, exchanged my mind with Elissa's because, according to her, Elissa was going to fail at ending the Blight. She's a seer, I guess. For some reason, she saw that I would succeed, or at least have a better chance. So she switched us. Elissa's mind in my body didn't survive long. I guess the shock of my world, being about 800 years more advanced than yours, plus my fifty-two year old body, did her in."

"Fifty-two? This is crazy, Elissa. You can't believe this." Teagan said, trying to capture my hands to soothe the mad-woman.

I snarled. "Tell you what, Teagan, when your pathetic civilization invents flush toilets and toilet paper you can tell me I'm insane. You're a noble in this land and you're worse off than some of the poorest in my country. Your sanitation is disgusting. Your form of government is pathetic. You treat elves like animals and mages even worse than elves."

I was mad, really angry at having been backed into a corner and now judged. "You don't judge me. Where I come from, you'd be considered backwards and uneducated." My nostrils were flaring, my face was hot. "Just GET OUT!"

I held the door open for him and slammed it after he left. Then I crawled into bed and wondered just how badly I had screwed everything up.

I burrowed into the bed and hoped that my fight or flight response would go away quickly. I was still just angry as hell. Not really angry at Teagan so much as the situation I was placed in, having to lie and deceive people that I thought were basically good people.

There was another thread in the tapestry of my emotions - actually calling it a tapestry was overly generous, it was like a yarn shop had exploded, all tangled up with no symmetry or pattern - I liked Teagan. To be completely honest, I was attracted to him. That was complicated by a whole mess of other things. Me not being Elissa made it dangerous to establish ties to people who had known her, for fear of being outed. Of course, there was my sense of fair-play that said taking advantage of someone who thought I was someone else would be bad. There was also the fact that I loved Bendrick and I hadn't forgotten about him. My interest in anyone else felt like a betrayal, especially this soon. The icing was that there was something else going on: an incessant horniness, a by-product of the Joining and perhaps my youthful hormones. I was certain it was doing nothing to help my judgment when the thought underlying all my other thoughts was,_ "I wonder what he'd be like in bed?"_

My mind was swirling when Morrigan came into my room and I sat up to look at her.

"What's all the yelling about?" she asked.

"Morri, don't ask me right now. I'm exhausted and I have my period and I have cramps and I just want to sleep."

"I could help with that," she said.

"Please, do," I said. The words were barely out of my mouth when I fell into a deep sleep.

...

It must have been late in the afternoon when I woke up. I felt like I was swimming up from the bottom of a lake into consciousness. My brain was reset. All the strong emotions were gone and I was relaxed.

"See, I told you she was fine," Morrigan said from across the room.

"Lissy," Alistair was sitting on the bed next to me. "That witch put you to sleep and I couldn't wake you."

I smiled and chuckled. "It's probably a good thing, Al. I would have likely bitten your head off."

"We've spent the day reassuring Bann Teagan that you're not insane," Alistair said.

"Oh right, I forgot," I sighed. "I sort of spilled everything. I wasn't myself this morning."

Alistair frowned. "Is that was all the yelling and slamming of doors was about this morning?"

I nodded. "I think being a horse all night was rather exhausting. Then I got my period and my hormones went crazy. This body is going to punish me every month I think."

"No need, Lucy. I took care of the matter. I'll teach you later," Morrigan said.

Alistair looked confused.

"Menstruation?" I said, hoping he wasn't that ignorant of women. "Monthly cycle? Aunt Flo? Uncle TOM? Time of the month?"

He shook his head and I exchanged a look with Morrigan.

"Okay, it would seem we need to have another fireside chat then." I smiled impishly. "Although I don't suppose your lady friends will be sending you to the convenience store to buy them tampons.

"So," I said, changing subjects, "what did you tell Teagan?"

Alistair grimaced. "The truth. He's rather disturbed by it but he has promised to keep it to himself."

I sighed. "I feel bad. I took out my frustrations about the situation on him. He didn't deserve to be treated like that." I got up, still clothed in my clothes I'd worn yesterday. "Okay, let me get cleaned up and then I need to eat. I'm starving."

They left and I found I had a tub in my room. The servants would wonder how it got filled with water they didn't bring. I took a quick look in a mirror and realized just how horrible I must have looked when I wandered in. There was straw sticking out of my hair and dirty smudges on my face. I had probably had circles under my eyes but they looked clear now.

I filled up the tub with water almost too hot to bear and eased myself in. After the long sleep, the very hot soak was bliss. My cramps were gone and my bleeding had stopped. Judging from the lightness of my mood, whatever Morrigan did had restored some sort of hormonal balance for me. This was magic that I must learn! It wouldn't do for the supposed savior of the Thedas to turn into the archdemon once a month.

I finished my bath. Combed the tangles out of my hair and braided it neatly then went in search of the kitchen and food. After eating I went in search of Teagan and I found him in what I supposed was Eamon's study. I knocked on the door frame to get his attention.

He looked up from the book he was studying and invited me in. His face looked wary.

I shut the door behind me as I went in, so we wouldn't be overheard.

"Please sit," he gestured to a chair.

"Thank you," I said politely. I was feeling rather shy now, ashamed at my outburst. I settled myself in the chair and cleared my throat.

"I'm very sorry, I lost my temper. I just wanted you to know that I wasn't angry with you. It's the whole situation, I'm angry about. Having to pretend to be someone I'm not is very frustrating. Especially when I feel like she... Elissa... has made decisions I don't agree with. She and I are extremely different people with vastly different values."

He shook his head. "I'm still having trouble assimilating this."

I smiled gamely. "Of course you are. Can you imagine how I feel, trying to be her, especially when we're so different."  
"Do you know much about her?" he asked.

"Not really, although I did find her journal on our trip back from the mage tower."

"Did she write anything about me?" he asked.

I nodded. "One of the difficult things I face is pretending to be her without abusing her prior relationships. If I don't even know what they were, the situation is impossible. I'll be perfectly honest with you, Elissa was interested in making the best possible marriage she could and she had ruled you out. I think her interest in you was purely sexual."

Teagan's eyes dropped and he looked sad. "I suspected that might have been the case."

"You were trying too hard to see her as someone she wasn't, Teagan. Forgive me for saying it, but it was obvious in your letter and her journal."

He nodded sadly. "I suppose you're right."

"She was ambitious, arrogant and used people for whatever she could get from them. Or at least, that's the impression I get."

We sat in silence for a moment. Teagan was obviously still in shock.

"I apologize for how badly I handled everything," I said. "I was never very good at breaking up with my boyfriends. I guess I'm not good at breaking up with Elissa's boyfriends either."

He smiled wanly. "It's all right. I can imagine it would be nearly impossible to navigate around the life of a woman you don't even really know."

"When you kissed me yesterday I..." I hesitated, perhaps it was best I not say more.

"Yes? Go on."

I smiled ruefully. "Well, I wasn't trying to mislead you. I personally like you and find you attractive. I forgot myself for a moment. It was ill-advised, considering your feelings for Elissa. I am sorry."

Teagan smiled, this time the smile traveled to his eyes. "Your honesty is disarming, my lady. Now that I know, I can see you're not Elissa. She was never so forthcoming."

He got up and walked over to a brandy snifter. "Would you like a drink?"

I nodded.

He poured us both a healthy portion and toasted me.

"To honesty," he said.

"To honesty!" I seconded him. I was happy to have apologized and felt unburdened.

We both drained our glasses, but I was left wheezing and coughing.

"I'm not used to... strong drink," I choked out.

He laughed. "Tell me about yourself... Lucy."

"Ah, those words are music to my ears, Teagan. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to be myself again." My estimation of Teagan increased greatly that evening as I told him a little about my life before I came to his world and the events that had happened here. He refilled my glass several more times and I got very tipsy. My story about Bendrick spilled out and I cried about losing the love I had found.

"Lucy, dear lady," he said, looking rather tipsy himself, "I'm going to be honest with you, like you were with me. Is that all right?" He crossed the floor to sit on the arm of my chair and he put a hand on my shoulder.

"Remember how you said I was trying to see Elissa as someone she wasn't?"

I nodded.

"You only knew Bendrick for a couple of days. Not really long enough to really know him. Perhaps you're romanticizing what you had with him a bit? How could any man you spent time with hope to live up to that?"

I squinched up my face and thought. "So, you mean, we only had two perfect days together and none of the bad ones everyone has eventually, so how could anyone hope to compete with that?"

Teagan nodded.

"I suppose you're right," I sighed. "Maybe eventually we would have fought constantly and become bitter." I started to cry again. "Oh Bendrick," I blubbered, "where did we go wrong?"

Teagan laughed at me. "Well, it didn't happen."

"But it would have. You're right. We would have gotten sick of each other." I poked Teagan in the chest, drunkenly. "You're a very smart man." I sighed. "I suppose true love is really an illusion, isn't it?"

"You're very cynical for such a young woman, Lucy."

I laughed. "Oh hush, Tea," I was getting too tipsy to bother with his full name. "I've earned my cynicism. I told you how old I really am."

"That just makes you more fascinating, Lucy. You might be the perfect woman, you know? Maturity, experience and youthful beauty. It doesn't get any better than that, Lucy."

I scoffed. "Apparently I'm extremely cranky once a month too, in this body."

Teagan laughed uproariously. "You can't be worse than Isolde."

I looked thoughtfully at him. "Perhaps not."

We laughed and joked for a few more minutes and a servant came in to get us for dinner.

"I think I drank too much," I confessed. "I'm going to make a spectacle of myself at dinner."

Teagan smirked. "Good. Let's see how badly we can irritate Isolde."

I rose to the occasion and so did Teagan. Isolde looked on the verge of blowing a gasket at our antics. The wine kept coming throughout dinner and Teagan and Alistair had to walk me to my room. Somehow I was reminded of my first hours on Thedas. Surrounded by hunky men, the center of attention and I basked again in how good that felt.

Teagan looked like he was waiting for Alistair to leave, but Alistair was waiting for Teagan to leave. It was quite the standoff. I was far too drunk for anything to happen but to collapse into bed and hope unconsciousness took me before my stomach got ideas. I lurched to my bed and collapsed onto it, half on, half off. Alistair wrestled the boots off my feet.

"Thanks, Al! You're a good guy," I tried to pat him on the head but I missed and poked him in the eye.

"Ow!" he yelled.

"Oh, sorry," I mumbled. "I think I just better..."

"Lissy?" Alistair said.

"better..." I mumbled.

"Okay, sleep well, Lissy," Alistair bent over me and kissed me on the forehead. Teagan watched him and came over and gave me a little kiss on the lips.

"gnigh, Tea," I said. My consciousness was really fuzzing out. He might have responded. I either don't remember or I didn't hear it.


	18. The Antivan Mare

**The Antivan Mare  
**  
The next morning was nearly as bad as the prior one due to the massive hangover I had. I stumbled to Wynne's room and begged for her to make it go away. She did, but not before lecturing me about drinking too much and my horrible behavior at dinner.

"A woman your age should know better," she said.

I nodded contritely. "Of course, I do. You're absolutely right, Wynne. I'll behave better in the future." In 52 years I had learned how to tell people what they want to hear. What I apparently hadn't learned was how to fake sincerity, at least not well enough to convince another old lady.

"Right," Wynne looked at me. "Don't think you can pull that crap with me, Lucy. I'm older than you, girl."

I grinned. "Well fine, if you want to be the Queen of the Crones, I'll gladly pass the title off to you."

She gave me a warning glance, tinged with humor. "I'm not curing your hangover after that remark."

I groaned. "Oh Wynne, please. It was a joke. I'll be in your debt if you would just cure it."

Wynne smiled evilly. "Fine. You carry my pack for an entire day with your twenty-year-old body and I'll fix your hangover."

I thought I might be able to master the horse form with one more really good practice session so I readily agreed.

I talked Alistair into staying two more days so I could perfect my horse form. He reluctantly agreed. Everyone else was very happy about it, except Isolde. She had taken a thorough dislike to me, which was fine because it was mutual.

Morrigan finally let me transform with my clothes on. After I got that down I asked Teagan to critique my efforts. He was truly helpful. He pointed a number of things. He told me a lot about horse behavior and how they sleep and eat. He helped me get my horse properly muscled in all the right places.

I was amazed at how nonplussed he was over my use of magic. He seemed to just accept it. Especially surprising after what his nephew had gone through.

On one attempt he was approving very much of my transformation. "Lucy, want to try to have a rider?"

I was in form so my communication was limited, but I nodded my head and Teagan went off to fetch his tack. It felt a little odd having this stuff put on me. The saddle was tight and kind of pinched, but I got used to it quickly. The bit was annoying and I made nasty grumbly noises when he put it in my mouth. God knows how many other horses had drooled on this thing! Gross! He led me out of the stable into the fenced pasture.

"Are you ready, Lucy?" he asked.

I nodded. He carefully put some of his weight on a stirrup and waited to see how I reacted. I nodded and he quickly swung himself up into the saddle.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded again. It felt weird, but my body was definitely strong enough to handle the burden.

"Okay, I won't use the reins or the bit much. Just walk around the edge of the pasture, near the fence and let's see how this goes."

I nodded again, and started out. Just walking.

"Pick your feet up a little more," Teagan said.

I did.

"Good! Oh that looks nice. You can't imagine how long it takes to train a horse to do that. Okay, try a little trot."

I tried to remember what a trot was like. I ended up hopping a little which Teagan found funny, even though he almost fell off. He kept muttering encouragements and little tips and eventually I figured it out. It was terribly bumpy at first but eventually I figured it out.

"Okay, now a canter."

I snorted dubiously. I'd done it before but I was just copying what Morrigan had done. I tried to remember and got something halfway between a trot and a hop. It took me a long time to figure out but I finally did. I felt sorry for Teagan's rump and was amazed he somehow stuck to my back during my clumsy attempts.

"Good, Lucy! That's a decent canter. Let's go back to a walk."

He worked with me for quite awhile until I got all the gaits down fairly well. Then he showed me what it was like when someone used the bit. I really didn't like that at all but he suggested I get used to it in case I had to pretend to be a real horse sometime.

His comment lodged in my brain and I decided he was right. I needed to learn to be a proper horse. Good enough that someone would want to ride me. The very beginning of a plan was taking form.

We worked together for several hours, at one point I was on a lunge line running circles around him while he critiqued my gaits. I was picking it up reasonably quickly. I saw something like admiration in Teagan's eyes. It was different from what I had seen before. More like the look a man gives a sports car he can't afford than a lover he can't have. Although... I suppose there might be some overlap in those looks. I chose to interpret it as my horse form being so very fine and Teagan being someone who loved horses. Maybe he was imagining the envy that the other nobles would have at him owning such an obedient, well-trained horse.

The sun was going down and I was thoroughly drenched with sweat when he finally called a halt to our training session. He walked me to the stable, telling me how good I'd done, his hand rubbing my nose. At times he seemed to forget I wasn't really a horse and he'd say silly things like, "What a good girl you are!", and he'd scratch my ears and stroke my neck.

At the stable he took off the tack and got a comb and started to brush me vigorously. It was a rather sensual feeling. I could have switched back to human form and just gone to take a bath but the coarse bristles on my skin felt invigorating and relaxing. He picked up my hooves and picked out all the gunk that had gotten stuck in them. It felt a little intimate to have him so near my posterior, if I could have, I would have blushed.

The grooming wasn't really necessary, I'd be well-groomed the next time I transformed, but I told myself that I need to experience what a horse experiences so I could be authentic. I was a little reluctant about transforming back with an observer, but Teagan waited, watching me curiously.

"Are you going to change back?" he asked.

I scuffed my toe in the floor of the stable and whickered shyly.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "You're not embarrassed about it are you?"

I nodded, bouncing my head vigorously.

"Why? Come on, Lucy. I'd feel honored to see the transformation."

I heaved a big sigh and cast the spell to counter the horse form. I had no idea what it looked like but from what I had seen of Morrigan transforming it was very odd looking.

Teagan's eyes were big. "That was amazing! Does it hurt? Because it looks like it must be very painful. Where do your clothes go when you transform?"

I laughed. "It doesn't hurt, it does feel rather odd to be in a different form for awhile. I'm going to walk oddly for a few minutes. And I have no idea where my clothes go. It's only recently I was able to keep them through a transformation. Maybe every mage has his or her own locker in the Fade?"

Teagan looked at me, his eyes still holding that look I'd seen earlier. _Okay, perhaps I had been wrong._

"So," I asked, "how was I as a horse? Oh, before I forget... bits are GROSS! Do those get washed between horses?"

Teagan laughed at my comment. "No, Lucy. They're not washed."

I put my hands on my throat and gagged at the thought. "Ew!"

"As a horse you could pass as one of Antiva's best. Anyone knowing their horses would pay through their nose to own a horse like you. You mastered a gait few horses have. I guarantee you if you use that gait instead of a trot, any rider would fall in love with you. It's much easier to sit and faster. You did the _paso fino_, exquisitely. Something one rarely sees outside of Antiva."

I looked at him in amazement. "Really? You're not just saying that to flatter me?"

Teagan shook his head. "I'm not."

"So, let's say a horse like me showed up in someone's stable, would a good rider be tempted to take me out for a ride? Do I look impressive?" I was thinking about the devious plan I was hatching.

Teagan nodded. "You're as beautiful a horse as you are a woman."

"Thank you," I smiled. "I was curious if I were to show up in the stable of a person who knew horses well whether they'd be tempted to ride me or if I were just too bland to attract attention."

Teagan tilted his head to the side and looked at me curiously. "No, you'd definitely stand out." He paused a moment. "Why? What are you planning?"

It wasn't that I didn't trust Teagan, he had enough of my secrets it was a little late to not trust him. But my plan wasn't entirely fleshed out. There was no use in sharing it.

"Oh, nothing. I just thought it might be an interesting way to get access to someone that might be hard to see otherwise."

He frowned. "Be careful. I don't want to lose you," he whispered.

His face came closer, slowly. I could have pulled away or stopped him, but Teagan knew everything now. I didn't have to play games with him or feel guilty any longer. His lips settled on mine and his kiss was gentle at first but deepened in intensity. My mouth softened under his and I was in danger of losing myself to the ache that seemed to never be far from my loins. We'd both suffered losses recently. His was the fantasy of a girl that he wanted to marry, mine was a fantasy of a perfect relationship. It couldn't be anything but sexual release for me, and I suspected that Teagan was a hopeless romantic.

"This is too soon, Teagan," I pulled away from him. "We've both lost someone, I think we're both feeling that emptiness. I still love Bendrick. Perhaps you still see me as someone I'm not. I think we both need some time to sort things out before we complicate our lives further."

"I don't see you as Elissa, Lucy," he said. "You're different. You're so real, approachable, honest, a friend... you're not her."

"If this went further, I couldn't promise you anything anymore than Elissa did. My heart still belongs to Bendrick. I need time yet to put aside his memory."

He sighed. "I'm sorely tempted to take what I can and hope to win you."

"That didn't work out so well with Elissa, did it?" I chided him.

He smiled ruefully. "No. I guess I'll content myself with the memory of a few kisses."

"Come on," I said. "Let's go in. I should get washed up before dinner. I probably smell like a horse."

Teagan smiled and leaned in closer for a sniff. "I really like the way horses smell. My memories of you are going to be interesting. Riding you, kissing you, smelling you... and we've never really been intimate."

His words made me want to throw my reservations to the wind. We didn't say much on the walk back to the castle but the looks we exchanged alternated between shy and steamy. I was glad when I finally got back to my room. I threw my clothes off and found release, several times, from the aching desire that Teagan's words and kiss had inspired. _Maker_, that man was sexy. But I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and that was what he was looking for.

The rest of that evening was pleasant. We had another nice dinner and irritated Isolde some more. We discussed our plan to find Brother Genitivi and the Andraste's ashes. It might be weeks before we returned. I kept seeing Teagan looking at me and I could barely keep from returning his looks. It seemed like my efforts earlier had merely stoked the fires of my lust. I wondered if the same was true for him.

I excused myself from dinner early. We'd be leaving at dawn and I wasn't about to drink too much again. Those were my two official excuses. I was in the process of seeking relief, yet again, from my inflamed lust, when there was a knock on my door. _Oh crap! _

"Just a moment," I said, my voice sounding rather hoarse to my ears. I pulled on the big shirt I usually sleep in and opened the door. It was the object of my intense desire standing there.

Maybe he could sense my arousal. I suspected I was looking flushed and mussed. He pushed into my room and shut the door. He grabbed me, spinning me around so my back was against the door and he kissed me, bruising my lips with his intensity.

"I'll have too many regrets if I let you leave without spending the night with you," he said.

"I can't make any assurances that there will be anything after this, Teagan," I said.

"I know," he said, his hands grasping my arms. His lips went to my neck. "Lucy," he whispered my name into my neck as he kissed and sucked on my skin there. I moaned and my hands wandered over his torso and down his back to grasp his behind and pull him into me. I could feel his excitement pressing into me.

"Take this off," I plucked at his doublet, having no idea how to unfasten it.

He kept our lips pressed together, his mouth continuing to tease and nibble my lips, but pulled away from me enough to be able unfasten it. I felt his hands moving between us, they brushed against my breasts as he worked. I couldn't help but gasp at the contact. He finally got it off, without ever breaking our kiss. My hands ran over his hard, well-muscled chest. I hadn't expected that from a nobleman, especially of his years. His life must be none too soft.

"Maker, Teagan, you are hot."

"Is that a good thing, Lucy?" he asked me, then he nibbled my ear lobe.

"It means you're extremely sexually attractive, where I come from."

"You're hot too." His hands pulled the leather tie out of my braid and he freed my hair from its bondage. It sprang free and puffed out, curls going everywhere. "Your hair is..."

"...completely unruly and untameable."

"I was going to say magnificent."

The sexual tension that had existed between Teagan and I from nearly the moment I laid eyes on him was finally threatening to boil over. The heat that had built within me all day was becoming unendurable. I wrapped my arms around his neck and writhed against him. He rocked into me, his erection pressing against my center. I gasped and my fingernails dug into the back of his neck.

"Maker, Teagan! This is all I've thought about all day," I said breathily.

He began to unbutton my shirt, his fingers were shaking a little. He clumsily got two buttons undone and he got impatient and yanked the shirt apart, buttons flew off and landed around the room.

"I'll get you a new one," he said apologetically.

"Fuck the shirt," I growled.

"I'd rather fuck you, Lucy," he said, peeling the remains of my shirt off. When I was freed of the shirt he pinned my shoulders back to the door and stood off and looked at me. His eyes darkened, and looked feral. He picked me up and carried me to the bed. He stopped to remove his boots after he laid me down. I was already eyeing his trousers to see how they would unfasten and admiring how his narrow waist disappeared into his trousers.

He lay beside me and his mouth worked from my neck to my breast. His hand was on one, rolling the nipple between his fingers and his mouth on the other. He was ever so gentle. Too gentle. I wasn't in the mood for gentle.

"Harder, Teagan," I encouraged. My fingers pressing the back of his head firmly against my chest gave emphasis to the point.

He chuckled. "As my lady commands," he said. His delicate touches turned to pinches. The careful licking and sucking turned to bites and bruising sucking. It was exquisite. Just the right balance of pain and pleasure that made my senses thrum.

"Oh god, yes!" My nipples were singing the hallelujah chorus.

His hand slid down my side, over my ticklish hip bones, which made me squirm, to my mound of russet hair. He squeezed me and I couldn't help but thrust myself up into his hand seeking friction, whimpering a little with my impatience. His finger parted my folds and lightly played at my entrance. I squirmed, trying to get more contact. My orgasm had already been much delayed from his knock on my door, I wasn't to be trifled with now.

He was watching my face, enjoying my frustration. I wondered exactly how blunt I could be with him. I was going take matters into my own hands if he didn't do something.

"Teagan, please. More!" I grabbed his hand and put it exactly where I wanted it and pressed myself against him.

He had a very pleased look on his face. "All right, no more teasing." His mouth worked down my body and spread my legs apart and crawled between them. His hands caressed the backs of my thighs and knees. He lifted them over his shoulders and I was laid out fully exposed in front of him. I silently thanked holy figures on my world and this one.

His one hand spread apart my outer folds and his tongue stroked firmly at the bundle of nerves that had been crying out for attention.

My fingers went into Teagan's hair and I gripped his scalp and writhed, trying not to dislodge his mouth, but unable to keep still.

"Oh yes, there, Teagan... yes," I babbled.

He slipped a finger inside me and growled feeling how wet I was. He added a second finger and angled his fingers to hit a sensitive spot.

My breath caught for a moment and I shattered. "Maker... Teagan," I sobbed. My fingers clenched his scalp hard, and I pulled at his hair as I climaxed. My body went rigid with the violent force of the long delayed completion. He continued his attentions, which drew out the moment. I thought I might crush his head between my thighs with my powerful spasms.

I lay there panting as Teagan crawled up my body and kissed me. His beard was dripping with my moisture and I could taste myself on him. I wiped some of the wetness off his beard and smiled at him.

"I think I know how a lute feels to be played by a master musician," I said.

His laugh rumbled in his chest. I kissed him. "I'm ready for more," I said.

He looked at me with a surprised look. "Really?"

I smirked. "You haven't heard of Grey Warden appetites and stamina? I should think if that got out Grey Wardens would be plagued with with more than darkspawn."

"Grey Wardens only recently came back to Thedas and their presence here has been small."

"Probably due to the jealousy of the untainted," I joked.

"That could be why Loghain dislikes the Wardens so much, he knows he can't compete," Teagan joked.

My hand stroked leisurely over the bulge in Teagan's trousers. He groaned and his hips flexed. I went to the strings tying his trousers closed and managed to loosen them, and pulled off his trousers and smalls. I ran my hand up his length, appreciating his generous girth. I was intent on repaying the favor and I took him into my mouth. I swirled my tongue around his shaft, and his moan nearly startled me. I looked up and he was watching me intently. I licked a swath up the length of him and then engulfed him in my mouth. His eyes half-closed and he groaned. I picked up the pace a little and his hips began to thrust.

"Lucy, stop. I'm not a Grey Warden."

"What do you have in mind, then?" I asked impishly.

"I think I remember saying I wanted to fuck you," he said, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Oh, that's right." I crawled up his body. "I'm yours, my lord," I whispered into his ear, "how ever you want me." I flicked my tongue against his ear.

He groaned and rolled me over, with himself on top. His hand went down to my center and he rubbed me again until I started to moan. He positioned himself at my entrance and just teased me, rubbing his cock against my entrance and my nub. I wrapped my legs around his hips.

"Now, Teagan," I hissed. I was wanting to feel him inside me. He slowly inserted himself just a little ways. I was still quite tight. I suspected whenever Bendrick healed me after our exertions, my passage also shrank back to what it was before. But regardless of the pain, which was not too intense, the pleasure was there keeping it in check.

He entered me slowly and carefully, watching my face for signs of pain. Sweat was beading on his face.

"Are you all right?" he asked. "You're so tight. I'd think you were a virgin if I hadn't been the one to..."

"I'm fine. Don't stop. Just go slowly for a bit."

He nodded and inched forward. Finally he got as far as he could and he started to withdraw as achingly slow as he had inserted himself. I was adjusting at last.

"You can go faster," I told him.

He smiled and nodded. His pace picked up and I could feel the pleasure building. I squirmed my hand in between us to stroke myself. He thrust carefully, still afraid of hurting me.

"Go for it, Teagan," I encouraged him.

He grunted gratefully and his strokes became deeper and quicker. His hips slapped against mine crisply. I lifted my leg and put my ankle against his shoulder. It changed the angle of his thrusts and he hit something inside me that felt wonderful. I moaned and felt myself close to another climax. A few more thrusts and I shuddered and moaned and became rigid once more.

Teagan groaned as I tightened around him with my climax. I thought I might might carry him over the edge, but he soldiered through it. When I stopped shuddering he pulled out of me and flipped me around, facing away from him. He plunged into me from behind and I moaned again. This time his hand worked at the nub hidden amidst my russet curls. His other hand gripped my hip and he drove into me. I didn't think it was possible but for the third time I was hovering on the brink of another climax.

"Come for me again, Lucy," Teagan urged me hoarsely. His fingers working against my nub and his shaft driving into me relentlessly. His words sent me to the edge and I writhed for a moment, balanced on the brink.

"God! Maker! Teagan! Whatsherface!" I couldn't think of their female prophet's name. My voice caught and I wasn't capable of speech, just mindless exclamations and groans. This time my clenching walls took Teagan over the brink with me. His thrusts grew wild and then he froze and collapsed on top of me.

He rolled off me and pulled me into him. My head tucked under his chin.

"Any regrets, Lucy?" he asked me, his hand trying to smooth my hair, an impossible task.

"None. You?"

"None."

I felt like there was a lot he wasn't saying and I was grateful. If he had deeper feelings for me I didn't want to know about them. I'd feel guilty, even though I was honest with him.

"Can I stay the night?" he asked.

"Of course," I said, cuddling into him as tightly as humanly possible.

I drifted off to sleep quickly. He didn't snore. Another point in his favor.

...

The next morning I awoke a little before dawn and watched Teagan sleeping. Just looking at him got me randy again. I kissed him until he woke up, and with little more than sighs and groans we made love again. This time it was gentle and lazy. I lazed in bed, trying to work up the will to get up when he got up.

"I'll get a servant to bring you some water for a bath," he said.

"Don't bother. I finally slid out of bed and showed him how I could fill it myself."

He laughed. "So this is the sort of magic you're learning?"

While we bathed, I explained about some of the amenities of my world I missed and how I wanted to use magic to replace them.

"It sounds like paradise. Do you want to go back?" he asked me.

I paused. Remarkably, I spent little time thinking about it. I missed my friends, but we all had had busy lives and hadn't spent much time together in the past few years. My parents were gone. I had a few siblings but we weren't all that close. I had to admit that if given the choice, I'd probably not go back.

"No," I answered him finally. "There are things I miss, but I feel much more alive here. Being twenty again has a certain appeal too."

He smiled broadly. "I can imagine."

We got dressed and he left me to get supplies for us. I packed up my stuff and wandered into the kitchen to find something to eat. My companions were all there eating and waiting for me. I ate a hearty breakfast and we went to the courtyard and Teagan met us there. He had some food packed for us and tack for me so that I could carry bags as a horse.

I went to the stable and transformed, not wanting to do it in front of servants and guards and came back as a horse. He put the tack on me and my companions loaded me down with their gear.

He whispered in my ear before we set out. "Be careful. Come back to me."

I nodded and whickered softly. He kissed me on the nose and I started my first day as a pack animal.


	19. The Antivan Stallion

**The Antivan Stallion**

"You're cheating," Wynne complained as I carried her pack, as promised for curing my hangover.

"Nay," I said. Actually, it was more like "neigh". I was trying to work out ways to communicate with my companions while being a horse.

Leliana was particularly fascinated with me in horse form. She walked beside me chattering the entire time, rushing off to collect flowers and weave them into my mane.

Sten looked at me with even more distrust than normal. I was not only a woman, but a mage. I seemed to defy his every expectation of what I should be. Alistair walked with me for quite awhile and talked to me about all his doubts and fears. It was interesting what people confide to you when you look like an animal. He also asked me questions about Teagan. In a very round-about way he was trying to figure out what had happened between us. I knew that he knew. The affection between us had to have been obvious. The nice part of being a horse is I didn't have to answer.

Morrigan walked with me awhile. "You know, Lucy, I thought you were nuts when you wanted to be a horse, but I'm seeing it now."

She was walking completely unencumbered, so I could imagine the idea had grown on her.

I snorted in agreement.

"I must say, you do me proud. You've come up with a very fine looking horse. It's a shame you came by your talents so late in life, I think you could have been a very powerful mage had you but started your training earlier, especially if you could have stayed out of the tower and trained with mother and me."

Wynne overheard and harrumphed. "You think Tower mages aren't powerful?"

Morrigan shook her head. "No, you've been effectively neutered by the Chantry. Look at the schools of magic you've forgotten or banned: Shape-changing, illusions, clairvoyance, teleportation... blood magic."

"Oh, please, half of those are theoretical, and blood magic? There's a good reason it is banned."

Morrigan laughed. "Theoretical or just forgotten? My mother would argue with you and probably demonstrate something from all those schools."

I listened raptly. _Teleportation? Wow, that would be too cool._

Morrigan turned back to me and said, "Have you thought of the next form you want to learn?"

I nodded enthusiastically. _I wanted to be a bird._

"You need to learn some practical healing magic too, Lucy," Wynne said.

I nodded again. _Definitely! I needed to know how to cure my cramps and make my period disappear. _I daydreamed of setting up a shop in a big city offering relief to suffering women. If anything would build goodwill towards the Grey Wardens, that would. Men and women would be grateful. The problem with mages is they were kept away from everyone they could actually help. This world needed to get over it's irrational fear of magic.

We stopped for lunch and they unloaded my bags to give me a rest. I stayed in horse form and found a good patch of grass to eat. It's delicious really, if you get the sort that's got a lot of new growth on it. It has a piquant flavor, a little like arugula. There was one sort of flower that was quite delicious. It had a sweet, flavor to it, slightly lemony. I went around rooting them all out and devouring them down to the roots.

I wondered what happened to the mass of vegetation I was eating when I turned back into a human. Maybe one's stomach contents went to the same place as where the clothes ended up. I'd have to do some scientific experimentation when I had the time and resources. Perhaps the Mage tower had some of these answer. I would have to go talk to their scholars.

After I got my belly full of grass and flower. I practiced my gaits. I ran large circles around my companions and showed off my fancy new gait that Teagan had taught me. They applauded. Then I went for a full out gallop across the landscape. It felt good to really stretch my legs. I wondered how fast I was compared to other horses. I didn't want to stop. I just kept going, my hooves thundering and the cool air lifting my mane and my tail.

I was just beginning to think I should turn around when I saw a group of people. I slowed down and watched them. They were watching the road, looking like they didn't want to be seen. They noticed me and pointed. I saw a couple break away from the group and come towards me slowly. Maybe they were hoping to grab the horse. I let them come a little closer than I turned and ran, galloping back to the party.

I shifted back to myself.

"Big group..." I said between pants, "ahead. Looks like they're waiting for someone." I shook my head, still halfway feeling the horse-groove.

"How many?" Alistair asked.

"I saw seven-ish. Maybe more were hidden. They looked a little too well-armed to be traveling merchants."

"Perhaps highwaymen," Alistair said. "Well, forewarned is forearmed."

"Four is an odd number of arms to have, which makes four both an odd and even number, like infinity." Alistair's eyes glazed over and I smiled. That was a fun reaction. "I'd better stay like this in case we need to fight," I said.

Everyone slung on their own packs and Wynne grumbled when I gave her hers. "I'll make it up to you, Winnie."

We walked along the road. I definitely preferred being a burdened horse to being a burdened human. I suspected my companions felt the same way.

We watched the road carefully and finally we saw a lone woman standing along the road. When she spotted us she waved frantically.

"This looks to be the place," I said quietly.

"Help! Help!" she shouted and waved, running to us.

Alistair and I looked at each other. I shook my head. I didn't think there was anyone else on the road, although I suppose she could have come from the other direction.

"Be ready," I said quietly.

Alistair spoke to the woman when she got close enough.

"What is it, good woman?" he said.

"We were attacked by highwaymen, just down there!" She pointed to a small fork in the road that curved off around a stand of trees, down a steep incline. "My husband and the children..." she sobbed. "Please hurry!"

We took the fork, following after her. We turned around the curve, obscured by the trees, and saw a few people standing around an overturned wagon. One of them made a signal and I heard a cracking sound behind me. Liam, the mabari, jumped up on me and I staggered forward, just barely missed having a falling tree fall right on me. Our retreat was cut off. If these were highwaymen, they were smarter than the others we had met.

Others casually stepped out from around trees where they had hidden. The woman we'd been following turned with a smirk on her face, a handsome, male elf stood looking at us for a moment.

"The Grey Warden dies here," he said.

I guessed there were a dozen of them. Archers on both sides of the road. The woman we'd been following was starting to cast a spell. I remembered my lectures from Bendrick. _Take out the mages first._

I launched myself at her, but the elf got in front of her. I saw her freeze a moment later, it looked like Morrigan had her under control, so I focused on the elf.

He wielded daggers like I did. He circled me, and I turned, waiting for his attack. It came, lightning fast. I parried it and counter-attacked. He parried that. He definitely had a different style than I had encountered before. I was waiting for some opening. He feinted and followed it with a lunge that nearly got past me. His wrist lingered just a moment, long enough for me to strike down on his wrist bone with a hard chop. He dropped his dagger. I heard a curse in some language that sounded remarkably like Italian.

Although he was a very good fighter he wasn't looking for kicks, his concern was solely with my daggers. I got him in the side of the head with a powerful flying roundhouse and he staggered for a moment and then fell.

My companions were doing well with the others. Morrigan had killed the other mage and was dealing with an archer. Leliana was aiming at another archer, Alistair was fighting a couple of warriors. I ran up to the side of the road and attacked another archer. I was grazed by an arrow sometime during the battle. Liam was badly cut. Alistair had an arrow poking out of his arm, but Wynne was doing a great job with the healing magic. It kept us going and stopped the bleeding and some of the pain.

We did all right. None of us were completely down in that fight and we had either killed or knocked out the highwaymen. We started rifling through their stuff and taking what we needed, or could sell, when the handsome elf I had kicked began to moan. I ran over to him and tied him up, making sure his daggers were well out of his reach.

"Ohhhhh," he groaned. "I rather thought I would wake up dead. But you haven't killed me yet?"

Alistair came down to stand next to me, glaring at the elf. "That can soon be remedied."

I looked up at Alistair and shook my head. "I have some questions," I said to the elf.

"So, I'm to be interrogated then? Let me save you some time, I'll tell you everything." He spilled the story of how he was hired by Loghain to kill any remaining Grey Wardens. He told us his name. Leliana told us what she knew about the Crows and he confirmed it. Apparently Loghain had gone to great expense to have us dealt with.

That hurt. It hurt a lot. I was hoping I could reason with Loghain. But the more I saw of what he had been doing the less I thought this course of action would work. It seemed like his hatred of us was visceral. What on earth could cause such a reaction? I hoped I would have an answer someday, but I know that things like that rarely made sense.

"So, your _Crows _will kill you for failing to kill us?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yes, it's the price we pay for failure. However, if you spare my life I will promise to serve you faithfully."

I frowned. "Wait, you seem pretty eager to sell out your order, how do I know you won't do the same to us?"

"Well, the Crows have a lousy severance package. I'd rather take my chances with you. It isn't like I had any choice about becoming a Crow, they bought me on the slave market when I was a child."

"Slavery?" I said, disgust rising. "They practice slavery here?" I looked up at Alistair. He looked at me in alarm. I was giving away my ignorance of this world.

"I can think of worse things than serving the whims of a deadly sex goddess. I can do many things. Protect you from assassins, clean your armor, warm your bed."

I was appalled. Here he was trying to escape slavery by offering to enslave himself to us. I knew I was taking a terrible risk, but I felt guilty by association with humans who had enslaved his people. Before I knew it, I was untying his ropes.

"You're _free_ to join us if you wish, but if I were you I wouldn't be in a rush to replace one master with another."

He gaped at me a moment then regained his composure. "Ah, but serving a mistress such as yourself, would be no burden." His words dripped with sexual innuendo which his Italian, er, Antivan accent just enhanced.

He fell to his knee before me, like he was about to propose marriage.

"I hereby pledge my oath of loyalty to you, until such time as you release me from it. I am your man, without reservation. This I swear."

"You can't seriously be considering this, Lissy!" Alistair said.

I glared at him. "He was sold into slavery to be an assassin. I'm not about to kill him for it. He deserves an opportunity to chose a different path. I'm not going to compound what your people have done to the elves by killing him." I was angry and not quite paying attention to what was coming out of my mouth.

Alistair shrugged. "Well, I suppose it'll work out."

The elf looked at me with surprise. Leliana looked at me with an odd look I'd been seeing on her face more often.

I extended my hand to Zevran. "I am Elissa Cousland. I welcome you to join us. You are a skilled fighter and I'm sure we will need your abilities, er, the fighting ones. We are raising an army to fight the Blight."

He bent over my hand and kissed it with a courtly flourish. "I look forward to it."

I introduced the rest of the companions, who more or less looked at me as if I had gone mad. Perhaps I had. I didn't know if we could trust this assassin. All I knew was that I couldn't be part of the system that was oppressing his people.

Wynne patched up our wounds and I made sure she attended to Zevran as well. When we were ready to go I turned into a horse again and I was loaded with bags again.

Zevran looked astonished. "Ah! You were the horse we saw?"

I bounced my head up and down.

"You look like an Antivan Paso Fino," he muttered. "And a beautiful specimen of one. How did you manage such a transformation."

Morrigan overheard the question. "She's a shape-changer. A novice, yet rather talented, no?"

Morrigan sounded like a proud mother. Judging by the way his eyes glowed, I thought he might just like horses.

"It's a shame to use such a magnificent creature as a pack animal," Zevran said.

I laughed. My horse laugh was very funny sounding and it made them laugh as well.

"It's not our fault. She wanted to be a horse so she could carry our baggage."

"Tsk, tsk. Such a waste. She should be the prized animal in any noble's stable."

I snorted. I was starting to like this elf. I nudged him with my nose to show my approval.

"Oh look," Morrigan said dryly, "she likes you. Keep it up and she might drool on your head."

"It would be an honor," he said. He stroked my mane.

"Oh please, I think I'll just go over to the side of the road and be sick now," she said. She walked alone from then on. She seemed to prefer her own company most of the time, although we got along well, there just wasn't a lot of conversation to be had when I was a horse.

Zevran stayed at my side the entire remainder of the day. I think it was because he didn't quite trust that everyone was onboard with my plan to let him join us.

That night around the fire we ate dinner and I had everyone give Zevran a little introduction as to who they were. Sten, of course, wouldn't participate, so I told Zevran what little I knew of him.

I took the first watch with Zevran that night. I asked him all about his childhood and how he ended up in the Crows. My distaste over slavery must have shown on my face.

"It wasn't all bad. There was lot benefits. Most elves don't end up living as well as we did."

"If you lived," I grumbled.

"An elf could be fairly highly placed in the Crows."

"Like an overseer?" I grimaced. "Don't you see, if you oppress people enough they'll be grateful for whatever crumb they're thrown, no matter how horrible their conditions."

Our discussion of slavery went on for quite awhile. Finally he looked at me and paused just a moment. "Elissa, forgive me if this is an impertinent question, but why do you care so much? I understand you're of noble lineage and they're usually used to seeing elves as servants, or worse."

I looked into the fire pensively. "I did nothing to earn the advantages I have had. I was given a good education. Training in combat and other skills. I knew I would never have to really do an honest day's work in my life, unless I wanted to. And yet, so many nobles would assume they're superior to others with fewer opportunities as if the simple accident of birth was somehow due to their own cleverness or superiority."

Zevran smiled faintly. "That sounds about right."

"You strike me as an intelligent person, Zevran. If you had been given the same opportunities I had, what would you be capable of? It's as if I was born at the finish line and take credit for winning the race I never even ran. Conversely, if I were put in your situation, could I have fared even half as well? I rather doubt it."

I was getting ready to launch into a fairer social structure when Leliana came out of her tent. "I think it's time for my watch, isn't it?"

Zevran and I said goodnight and I crawled into my tent. I finally realizing how utterly weary I was. I dug through my things and saw that there was a new, big shirt in my pack. Apparently Teagan had replaced the big shirt that he'd torn off me the prior night with one of his own. I smiled, thinking fondly of our night together, and put on the shirt. It smelled a little like he did, and that made me horny again. These hormones... I was either going to die of exhaustion or be too distracted to accomplish what I needed.

**Conversations Around the Fire on the Way to Denerim**

**Zevran**

I was trying to be cautious about trusting Zevran, really I was. But I liked him. He may have had a veneer of someone used to appeasing a harsh master but underneath it all he was his own man. It took most of the trip to Denerim for me to convince him that he didn't have to keep that ruse up for me. It was a mixed blessing. I found he had an acerbic sense of humor and a rather pragmatic view of his vocation. Probably a sensible out-look from someone forced into such circumstances. The mixed part of the blessing was his sexual commentary on virtually everything. It was probably part of his coping mechanism in a world where he was a second-class citizen. But it irritated Alistair. Wynne acted irritated but I think she secretly enjoyed it, Morrigan too.

Me? I loved it. He tried to shock me with his exploits but I had been rather adventurous as a younger woman, it was pretty difficult to shock me. I suppose if anything did it was his tales of making love to his targets before killing them.

"So, what am I to make of the fact you didn't even try to sleep with us before trying to kill us?" I pouted. "I feel slighted."

Zevran chuckled. "It's not so easy to do with large, well-armed groups. Trust me, if it had been possible, I would have. You're a comely bunch."

"But now, I suppose, if we want to be safe from you we probably shouldn't sleep with you," I said, backing him into a corner with my teasing. "You know, telling us all these stories might mean a very long, dry-spell for you."

"Hmmm, I see your point. Perhaps I should tell you the stories where I didn't kill the person I slept with."

"It might help your cause, some. No promises," I smiled mischievously.

**Alistair**

My amusing talks with Zevran had kept me from Alistair for a few evenings, and he was looking rather morose on our way to Denerim. After we had scarfed down our dinners I talked to him.

"I remember I promised to explain certain things about women to you, back at Redcliffe," I said. "Would you like that explanation now? Best to have it after supper, just in case your stomach is weak." I grinned slyly.

"Um, okay," he said.

"Well, before we start why don't you tell me what you know about human reproduction."

He turned fiery red. "Well, I know it takes a man and a woman and... doing... that thing we were told we shouldn't do in the Chantry."

"Well, you should do it in a bed, probably not a chantry." I smiled patiently. "Alistair, we're grown men and women. Let's use the proper terms for these things. You're talking about sexual intercourse. Or whatever other name you want to call it. _Fucking_, works too. Shorter conveys the meaning succinctly, I think."

Alistair started to cough. He was choking. I pounded him on the back.

"You okay, buddy?" I asked.

He nodded. "Just... don't say that." He looked around to see if anyone had overheard us.

"What? Fucking?"

"Lissy! That's just so vulgar, especially coming from you."

I laughed. "Shows you how much you don't really know about me. But let's not get hung up on terminology. What would you prefer me to say?"

He mumbled something indistinctly.

"What? I can't hear you."

"Intercourse," he said slightly louder, looking around guiltily.

His embarrassed, furtive looks were drawing everyone's attention to us. Leliana got a smile on her face, she remembered the other conversation. I saw her whispering to Zevran and Wynne. The rest of the camp got a lot quieter.

"Okay, intercourse then," I nodded, "although I still prefer the term _fucking, _but this is for you, not me." I suppose I'd had a little too much of the Antivan brandy Zevran had produced before dinner. I still had very limited tolerance to alcohol.

"So, male orgasm produces a lot of very wee things called sperm. Now, just because male orgasm is key to reproduction that doesn't mean female orgasm is any less important, but that's another discussion. These little sperms are tiny. You can't see them with the naked eye. But they swim up the vagina of a woman and wriggle their way through her cervix." I coiled up a finger to kind of illustrate what a cervix was like. "If the timing is right, there's an egg waiting in her womb. One sperm has to drill its way into it to fertilize. If it works, and one of those thousands and thousands of sperm succeeds, then fertilization occurs."

Alistair looked mortified.

I waved my hands around excitedly. "You see, you provide some of the DNA, the blueprint by which a human is built, and your partner provides some. Your DNA contains half of your father's DNA and half of your mom's. Then half of your DNA goes into building the new baby. When those two germ cells, the sperm and egg, meet it gets all worked out and from there, those two cells split into two, then four, then sixteen and so on until nine months later a baby is born."

Alistair looked horribly confused.

I noticed that Wynne was hovering and looking at me with interest.

"Well, those are details that you probably don't all know yet. Or am I wrong, Wynne?"

"Certainly scholars know about sperm and eggs, but this blueprint is new to me," she confessed. "Do you mind if I listen in?"

I looked at Alistair. He shifted uncomfortably and finally said, "No, it's fine."

"Okay, so we've got a baby but there's a bit of set-up that has to happen before that," I said. Wynne nodded. "Women have to have an egg waiting to be fertilized. We have these things called _ovaries_ that roughly correspond to testicles. They produce our _germ cells_ and once a month, one, or sometimes more than one, of those suckers comes rolling down a long tube to hang out in the uterus for a while. The uterus grows a lining in anticipation of this monthly event, that is built of blood. If conception happens, the lining hangs around and is used. But if not, it is shed. So a woman bleeds for a few days every month, unless she's pregnant."

I looked at Wynne and she nodded.

"That bleeding is harmless, if everything is normal, but some women experience cramps when the uterus contracts to expel the lining. And the whole build up to this monthly event is accompanied by changes in hormones that trouble some women."

Wynne looked at me. "What's a hormone?"

"Sounds like something you'd encounter in a whorehouse," Zevran said. I hadn't seen him listening in.

I was on a geek-roll. "Hormones are chemical messengers that are generated from cells in one part of the body to get another part of the body to do something." I chewed my lip a moment trying to think of an analogy.

"Take your appetite. Certain things in the body notice that you've used up energy and they send a message to the stomach that generates a feeling of discomfort that prompts you to eat."

Alistair nodded.

I decided I should probably shut-up. There were too many people listening in and even my imperfect knowledge of reproduction was vastly more than these people had. I was going to endanger my secret if I continued.

"So there you go. Now you know what menstruation is and why sometimes women are a little out-of-sorts once a month. Any questions?"

Alistair shook his head and got up. "I think I'll go to bed early," he said.

I think he was just trying to escape.


	20. Horse Traders

_Here we _mia cara_re at the twentieth chapter and we've covered what, about 15 minutes of the game? :) Thanks for the reviews! They really make my day. What a great reward for putting out another chapter. *dance*_

**Sir Laundromat  
**  
We finally reached Denerim. I wasn't really sure what to expect. Maybe it would feel like Europe to me. All old buildings and historical goodness. The thing that surprised me was how cramped, crowded, dirty and smelly it was. I nearly lost my lunch as we ambled into the city, the smells were so overwhelming.

"What's wrong, Lissy?" Alistair asked.

"Oh Maker, how can people live like this?" I moaned.

"Indeed, this place is disgusting. I'd rather live in a bog than here," Morrigan remarked, her nose wrinkling delicately.

"You'll get used to it," Wynne said.

"That's what they said about latrines, but I never did," I replied. I still preferred to go off into the woods to do my business.

"Do you mean to say you've never been to Denerim before?" Leliana asked.

I shook my head.

"Not even to come to court?" Leliana looked at me strangely. "I'm surprised. I would have thought your parents would want to expose you to court to find you a husband."

I realized I was creating an inconsistency. "My parents weren't typical for their class." I felt the less I said the better.

"Oh, really? You'll have to tell me about them sometime," she said.

"Does Val Royeaux smell this horrible? What about Antiva?" I diverted the conversation to other things. Zevran went on at length about the smells of the leather making and how he missed it. According to Leliana, Val Royeaux smelled like flowers. I think she might have been romanticizing it a bit.

"The Grey Warden compound wasn't too smelly," Alistair said. "But it's in the Palace district, they've got a pretty good sewage system built there."

"Figures," I said, pouting slightly. "We can't exactly go there. There seems to be a price on our head." I looked at Zevran pointedly.

"I'd like to stay for a day or two, but we have very little money," I said.

"We have a ton of stuff we can sell though," Alistair pointed out.

"True. I forgot about that. Let's go through our packs and get rid of anything we can part with. Is anyone particularly good at negotiating?"

Morrigan smiled slightly evilly. "I've been known to haggle well. Send your mabari with me and between the two of us, I bet we'll get top prices."

I nodded. "Fair enough! Just remember this place is probably crawling with templars. I guess I need to remember that too. I suppose since the Grey Wardens are officially under a death decree that they're not going to look the other way when we cast magic."

I turned to Liam. "Liam, go with Morrigan and listen to her." He woofed in acknowledgment. "Get him and yourself something to eat. The rest of us are going to eat and then go look for this Brother Genitivi fellow."

We found rooms and sorted through our belongings and loaded Morrigan up with stuff to sell. Then we had a hearty lunch in the dining room of the Inn. It was great to get a really good meal, not cooked over a campfire. Alistair and I a truly enormous amount. Zevran was stunned by the amount of food we put away.

"Where does it go?" he said, looking at my body. "You must exercise it all off."

"Grey Wardens have very large appetites. Part of the side-effects of the ritual that makes us Grey Wardens."

"Lissy! Shush, those are secrets."

I looked at him with disbelief. "What's the need for secrecy about our big appetites? It isn't like we can exactly hide it. Maker, this order is paranoid."

Alistair looked like he would probably drag me away if I said anything else, so I decided to drop it.

"You said appetite**s****?**" Zevran said, apparently unready to drop the subject.

Alistair shot me a warning look.

"I did use the plural, but that was grammatically correct." I watched Alistair and when his attention went elsewhere, I nodded vigorously to Zevran. He got a big smile on his face.

"Let's split up and look for Brother Genitivi," I suggested.

Alistair agreed. He, Wynne and Leliana would be one team. I'd go with Zevran and Sten. We wandered around the Merchant Quarter and thumbed through weapons and armor. There were some really nice items and I sighed.

"What's wrong, Warden?" Zevran asked.

"We're so broke and we really need to upgrade our stuff. My armor has a lot of holes in it."

Zevran looked at me intently for a moment. "I have an idea."

"If it involves selling my body, I'm not interested," I said.

He got an amused expression. "It does, but not in the way you might think."

"Okay, I'm listening."

"You are a most beautiful horse. Very well trained, no? A noble would pay several hundred gold to own a horse like you. The best part is, I'm Antivan and your horse form is very similar to a popular Antivan horse. All I'd have to do is ride you around a bit and I'd probably have multiple offers on you. We sell you. You spend a few hours in a stable, transform and leave."

I laughed loudly. It sounded like a wonderful idea. "Hmmm, that has possibilities. The only thing is, we can't really draw attention to ourselves here. I wouldn't want you to be recognized. And later on, I might need to come back to Denerim in horse form and I wouldn't want to be recognized."

"Can you change your look slightly?"

"I suppose I could. I haven't tried."

"I can devise a disguise for myself. No one will be the wiser. Why don't you change your coat color for this? I think black would be attractive," he said.

I looked around and thought. "Let's do this tomorrow. Don't tell anyone what we're up to. I think Wynne and Alistair might object."

Zevran smiled slyly at me. "Very well, we'll keep this between us. As we're traveling about, we could make a quite a bit of money this way. This is, as long as you don't mind cheating your fellow nobles."

I laughed. "Oh no, absolutely not. I doubt any of them came by their wealth honestly."

"I'll make some inquiries while we're out today and see if anyone here is likely to appreciate fine horses," he said.

We finally found Brother Genitivi's house and met his servant there. Something just didn't set right with me. I knew the guy, Weylan, was lying to me. I had a quick sidebar with Zevran and he agreed. We decided I would distract the servant and Zevran would look around.

I began to cough. "Could I have some water?" I asked the servant.

"Of course. Come with me." He walked off toward the kitchen and I followed him.

"Oh!" I said when we reached the kitchen, "this is very nice. Who does your decorating?"

The servant looked at me oddly. "Decorating?"

"Surely you've had this done professionally! Or did you do it yourself? I would have thought such a quaint, cottage look would require a professional. For instance, that ewer, that's got to be a priceless antique, isn't it?" I pointed to the rather beaten and worn pitcher he poured the water from. "Exquisite!" I exclaimed, picking up the ewer, "This is late Wachurian era isn't it?" I totally made that up.

He shrugged. "I don't really know. This is Brother Genitivi's home." He started to walk back to the other room and I launched into another coughing fit.

"Sorry, could I have a little more water? My throat is full of dust."

He was starting to look annoyed with me, but he refilled my cup again.

"Thanks!"

He walked back into the main room and Zevran was sitting in a chair looking casual.

"There's a stiff in the other room. I suspect it's the real servant. This guy is an impostor," Zevran said casually.

The servant drew a dagger and lunged at me. I got out of the way and Zevran cut his throat quickly.

"Oh damn, now we can't question him," I said.

"No need. I have Genitivi's notes. He went someplace called_ Haven._ It sounds like this place is very secretive. I suspect they sent this guy down to misdirect anyone looking for the ashes, or Brother Genitivi."

We took the notes and went off to find the others. We were just crossing the Market district when a tall, handsome man dressed in very shiny armor stopped me. He threw a metal gauntlet down on the ground in front of me.

I automatically picked it up and handed it to him. "I think you dropped this," I said pleasantly.

"I recognize you from Ostagar. You are a Grey Warden. You betrayed my close friend, the King! I demand satisfaction, Ser."

I was stunned. "You're mistaken, Sir. I don't know you."

"I am Ser Landry, I recognize you, though. You're the Grey Warden girl that King couldn't stop talking about. You betrayed him! You and your Grey Wardens lured him to his death."

I shook my head. My face must have registered my hurt. "Who is spreading such lies about us? Is it Loghain? Surely you know that most of the Grey Wardens were killed in that battle? People I loved and cared for. These allegations make no sense whatsoever."

He shook his head. "I don't believe you. The Grey Wardens were behind this. You will meet me in honorable combat or we will resort of less honorable means."

"So you're challenging me to a duel?" I asked.

"Yes, you'll pay for your crime one way or another."

I sighed, I didn't want to draw anymore attention to ourselves than strictly necessary. "Very well." I tried to think of any period movies I'd seen that involved dueling. "I will meet you in combat. Pistols or swords?" Oh wait! Wrong era. The only duels I could think of involved light sabers.

"Fight with whatever you wish," he said. "Honor will prevail."

"First blood?" I asked.

"What?" he said, scowling at me.

"Whoever draws blood first wins."

He laughed loudly. "No. We fight to the death, like men."

I nodded. "If you wish."

Sir(1) Laundry, or whatever he called himself, drew himself up. "I presume these are your seconds?" He looked at Sten and Zevran.

"Um, sure." I looked at them and shrugged.

"Meet us in front of the abandoned warehouse in a quarter hour then, around the corner." He stalked off, looking very puffed up.

I turned to Sten and Zevran. "Um, I've never dueled before. What am I supposed to do?"

Zevran laughed. "I recommended surviving." He rummaged through his pack and pulled out a vial. "This should help. It's a poison that will make his body slow down and freeze. I could hit him with a dart and no one would know."

Sten was frowning particularly hard.

"No, we'll do this fairly. I'll fight him unarmed."

"You're mad," Zevran said, shaking his head.

"Actually, it's an advantage. People don't know what to expect. Besides, it sends a message."

"The message of '_Hello, I'm unarmed. Kill me please?'"_ Zevran asked.

I ignored the smart remarks. "Do you know what you're supposed to do as seconds?"

"I think we just inspect the other party's weapons and make sure the fight is fair."

I felt like Rocky Balboa. I jumped up and down and punched at the air, ducking and weaving, humming the Rocky theme. I felt the flutter of nerves, a little fire sparking to life in my gut, I was feeling, if not in the zone, close to it.

"Let's do this," I said. Images of gun fights, martial arts movies, boxing matches, Basil Rathbone fencing with Errol Flynn, Luke Skywalker, Bruce Lee, the Three Musketeers, were all flashing through my head. My chi was flowing.

We walked around the block to the abandoned warehouse. I could just about hear our spurs jingling as we walked, our sabers rattled, my fingers twitched over my non-existent, holstered pistols. I pounded my fist into my open hand and wiped my jaw with the back of my hand. I did that little neck-cracking thing that was the universal sign of machismo. It must have looked nuts, but I had to get my head into the right space.

I saw Sir Laundry hand his weapon to his second, who brought it to us to inspect. It was a big mace, one meant to be wielded with two hands. I let Zevran look it over. He nodded.

"Your weapons, Warden?" Laundry's second asked me.

I unsheathed my daggers and threw them back behind us. "I am the weapon," I said. I unfastened my leather cuirass and threw it down with the weapons. I removed all my armor, leaving myself just in my loose cotton under tunic and leggings and barefoot. Not a proper gi, but close enough. I spread my arms so they could see I was hiding nothing.

"You are insane, Warden," Sir Laundromat said.

My eyebrow rose. "Shall we test that theory?"

He bowed to me and I bowed back, making a proper bow with my hands pressed together. Then I assumed a good ready stance.

"Kumite", I shouted.

He charged me, swinging back with his huge mace. I easily stepped out of the way and let him pass, without making an attack of my own. I wanted to see what he was capable of first. He turned quickly, his nostrils flaring and face looking red and angry. I took my stance again and made a weird gesture with my fingers. Purely theatrical.

He charged me again, swinging wildly. This time I went low, under his swing that was aimed at my head. My leg swept his. It was like trying to trip a rhino, I could have broken my leg doing it, but it took him off balance and he stumbled and nearly fell. He was recovering his balance, but I was behind him now. I ran a few steps and landed a two footed kick into the middle of his back and it was enough to knocked him down on his face.

Unfortunately I didn't recover entirely gracefully from the kick and I landed on my own back, but landed with my weight well distributed, so I didn't injure myself. I rolled backwards in a somersault and sprung up to my feet. He was still struggling to his feet in his heavy armor. As he bent to pick up his weapon I grabbed him from behind in a blood choke, which, if I were doing it correctly, would probably just cause him to black out without any permanent damage. It was difficult with the disparity in our sizes and his heavy armor, but if I could just hold on...

I held on and hoped that what I remembered of my training was right and would work. I was surprised at how quickly it worked. He was unconscious in just a few seconds. He fell limply on the ground and I backed away from him, watching him and his seconds to see what they would do.

"He lives," I said, hoping I was right. "I have no wish to kill him. Enough people died at Ostagar. Adding him to the list does nothing to resolve the Blight. Please tell him that when he awakens."

I turned from them, hoping they wouldn't decide to attack us while my back was turned. I picked up my gear and put it back on. Sir Laundromat's seconds picked him up and dragged him off somewhere. I hoped I hadn't accidentally killed him.

Zevran and Sten both looked at me as I dressed again.

"Where did you learn to fight like that?" Zevran asked.

"A wandering Qunari taught me when he passed through Highever. I tried to remember the story Duncan had made up for me."

Sten looked at me strangely. "I have never seen a Qunari fight like that, Grey Warden."

"Would you teach me?" Zevran asked.

I nodded. "Perhaps we could trade?"

Zevran smiled. "Ah yes, well, I suppose the Crows want me dead anyway. I see no harm in sharing information."

I smiled and nodded. "Good! I look forward to it."

"You do realize you've created a very bitter enemy today, don't you?" Zevran said.

"What do you mean? I spared his life and barely harmed him. He should be grateful for that, right?"

Zevran chuckled. "He was beaten by an unarmed, nearly naked woman in front of his friends. He will never live that down. I suspect you'll be dealing with him again."

I groaned. "That's ridiculous! This was all so unnecessary."

"Send me after him, I'll ensure he troubles you no more," Zevran offered.

"No. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe he will see that he is looking for vengeance in the wrong place."

He shook his head. "Ah, the naivete of the young." He sighed theatrically.

I laughed heartily. "You're not that old, are you?" I figured he was probably in his late twenties.

"For an assassin, I'm nearly an old man. I am thirty-four."

I was surprised, but still, he was a lad compared to me. "Hmmm, you are old," I teased him, "I have been inconsiderate. Would you like to sit in a rocking chair in the sun? I could bring you some tea and a blanket for your lap."

"Warden..." he growled.

"That explains your fascination with Wynne, I hadn't realized you were contemporaries." Teasing Zevran was fun, but I wondered if perhaps I was pushing it a bit far.

"I see I'll have to teach you to respect your elders," he said, his eyes narrowing, but a little smile belied his amusement.

I was about to make another quip, but we ran into Alistair, Leliana and Wynne at that moment.

"Did you find Genitivi?" Alistair asked.

"No, but we found where he is." I dug his notes out of my pack and handed them to Alistair. "There's a place called _Haven_ he went to."

Alistair looked puzzled. "I've never heard of Haven."

"Fortunately he's given pretty good instructions on how to get there. So I guess that's where we go next," I said.

"Let's leave tomorrow morning then," Alistair said.

"I'd like to stay one more day, like we planned. I think we could probably use the rest and time to re-provision. Plus, I've really got to get my armor fixed. There are some holes in it."

I was lying by omission, just a little. Zevran was going to sell me and we were going to make a bunch of money, if all went well.

Alistair nodded. "That's probably a good idea. There are a few things I've been needing to get myself."

"We could probably use a good map of Ferelden," I suggested. "Do you think you could find one?"

Alistair nodded.

We all went back to the Inn and found Morrigan and Liam there, she was sipping a glass of wine and Liam was happily gnawing a meaty bone. She handed me a tidy bundle of coins. "I think you'll find 22 sovereigns and some change there," she said.

"Ah good! At least we'll be able to settle up our bill here tomorrow. I was afraid we might need to slink out of here in the middle of the night."

We ate dinner and I told Alistair about the duel with Sir Laundry.

"I hung him up to dry!" I bragged.

"Oh no," Alistair said. "Let's just hope he doesn't go running to Loghain."

I frowned. "Hopefully he won't. He wanted to settle the score with us. I hope he considers it settled."

Zevran shook his head.

After dinner I made a list of things we needed to buy. Vials for potions, lyrium dust, herbs, reagents. I gave money to Wynne to purchase what she needed. I gave some to Alistair to purchase whatever he needed and I kept a few sovereigns for myself, to get my armor repaired - and to purchase whatever Zevran needed for his disguise.

I spent some time with Wynne before bed, learning a basic healing spell from her. She refused to teach me how to deal with my periods until I learned something basic first. Personally, I liked Morrigan's teaching style better. She got right down to it. Wynne lectured at great length before I even muttered my first incantation. Morrigan was all about applied magic while Wynne seemed to like to dwell in the theoretical. I liked learning magic like I liked learning foreign languages. Teach me how to swear first and I'll get down the rest later.

I ended the night being able to close up tiny holes, the size of pinpricks, but I knew more about the four humors and vapors than any 21st century woman I knew. I could sense Wynne and I were going to have to have some long conversations about science.

**The Con**

The next day Zevran and I went out early, to buy him a disguise and black clothes for myself, so I could sneak out of a stable unseen. The tattoo on the side of Zevran's face was a bit of a challenge, but we found something we could smear over it to conceal it. We left town, walked out to a unpopulated area and I transformed.

"Ah, lovely. You got the coat right, beautiful, shiny black. The flaxen mane is perfect." He looked at me approvingly.

He put his costume on. He was trying to look like a wealthy Antivan merchant. He had on a dark wig and big hat and a false mustache. He'd be passing as a human, since elves don't have mustaches or beards.

"We make a lovely couple, Grey Warden," Zevran said, slowly stroking my black coat. He saddled me up with the tack that Teagan had given me. "I confess I've been imagining _mounting_ you and _riding _you until we are both dripping with sweat," Zevran said, drawling in a low, accented voice right next to my furry ear. "Now at last," he said, swinging himself up into the saddle, "the reality."

"Ah, I forgot one to mention one thing, mia cara, I have a riding crop, in case you decide to show disrespect for your elder again." He chuckled and I felt the tip of the crop ever so gently slap against my flank, with just the tiniest hint of a sting.

I snorted. I probably wasn't going to hear the end of the double entendre...ever.

Zevran was actually a very good rider and he had me practice all my gaits, especially the paso fino.

"Hold your head up higher, lengthen your neck," he told me. My flaxen mane was fluttering in the breeze, I tossed my head a little. "Ah, Bellissima! Absolutely gorgeous." He had me gallop over to the main gate and we trotted inside.

We rode around the Palace district and he paused to make inquiries into potential buyers. We learned that Arl Howe, the man who murdered Elissa's parents, was now the new Arl of Denerim. I nodded my head violently. If there was anyone that we should rip-off, it should be him.

"Arl Howe then, my beauty?" Zevran said.

I nodded and whinnied quietly. I owed it to Elissa.

He asked for directions to the Arl's estate and then we headed off to make a sale.

…..

Zevran and I rode into the estate. I was showing off my finest form, holding my neck in a lovely arch - that was getting rather tiresome to hold it for so long - and I trotted in doing the paso fino. He asked after the stable master and was directed to him.

The stable staff stopped working and watched us approach and the stable master came out and couldn't take his eyes off me.

"Maker's breath," he breathed. "Is that a..."

"Yes, a purebred Antiva Paso Fino," Zevran said. "A beauty isn't she?" He dismounted and lead me over to the stable master. "The smartest horse I've ever bred too. In Antiva, they are like the mabari of horses, they understand much spoken language. And this one, understands the King's tongue."

"You don't say?" the stable master said looking a little skeptical.

"Just watch," Zevran said. "Lucia, turn around."

I turned around, so I was facing the opposite direction of Zevran.

"Lucia, turn around again," he commanded me. I did.

The stable master looked at me in amazement. "I assume you're looking for a buyer? Although why anyone would part with such a creature, I can't imagine."

Zevran smiled. "Ah, she is one of the best I've ever bred and trained, but a man must make money, you understand."

"Wait here, I will get the Arl. He must see this horse. Between you and me, he knows nothing about horses, but even an imbecile could see this animal is exceptional." He paused a moment. "If the Arl is reluctant to meet your price tell him Arl Bryland made a bid. That should motivate him. He will enjoy showing her off in front of him. I must have this horse in my stable."

The stable master trotted off and Zevran smiled at me. I snickered my little horsey laugh. I stuck my head into the stable to look at what might be my future accommodations. It was clean, but there were few horses in it. There was one horse kicking up quite a racket. It was a horse with a very thick muscular neck.

"It seems you have an admirer," Zevran said. "That's a stallion by the looks of it."

I made a unpleasant sound. I was a bit afraid that some nasty old stallion would try something.

"Certainly you must be curious, no?" he said.

I shook my head.

"No? Have you ever seen a stallion? They're impressively endowed, Lucia."

Oh god, I wished I could talk. I so wanted to tell him to try it and get back to me.

Zevran sidled up to me closely and whispered into my ear. "Can't you imagine a magnificent stallion, mounting you, his enormous member pushing..."

The stable master, bless his timing, rejoined us with a older man following him.

"All right, Mundy, I'll take a look at the horse. I'm just warning you it better be..." He paused in his grumpy diatribe and looked at me. I struck my best pose and tossed my head a bit, making my mane fly and flicked my tail.

"Andraste's knickers, that horse is beautiful."

Zevran puffed his chest out. "Yes, my lord, this is an Antivan Paso Fino, a very rare horse in Ferelden indeed. In fact, she may be one of a kind here."

"They're known as the mabari of horses, my lord Arl," the stable master said. "They know a lot of spoken commands and are extremely intelligent."

"Really?" Arl Howe looked nonplussed. "Well, I'd like to see a demonstration, of course. Let's go to the training ring and you can show me."

Zevran smiled. "As you wish, my lord." He followed the stable master and we went to a fenced ring nearby. He mounted me in a swift, easy movement.

"My lord, first I will show you her gaits." He jiggled the reins and I went into a nice walk, clicked his tongue twice and I went into a paso fino trot.

"As you can see, my lord, this horse is trained in the paso fino. Not something you will see very often in Ferelden. It is a very comfortable trot and the horse can maintain it much longer than a normal trot. Your backside will also approve of it."

He clicked again and I went into a canter and he clicked a final time and I galloped. He really didn't use the bit at all.

"This horse is so well trained that a bit is virtually unnecessary and only the lightest touch is needed. She steers remarkably well with just the press of your knees." He dropped the reins entirely and showed how I maneuvered without it. I paid attention to his knee pressing into my side and went where it directed me, in a broad figure-eight around the riding ring.

"Impressive," Howe mumbled. "Show me some voice commands she knows."

"Lucia, stop."

I stopped immediately.

"Backup."

I began to backup until he ordered me to stop.

"Lucia, go to the Arl and say _'Hello'."_

I walked over to the Arl and blew on his face through my nose, hoping for a nice juicy snot-bubble, but unfortunately my nasal passages were dry.

"Not a bad horse," the Arl said, obviously feigning indifference. "But I have plenty of horses now. I don't know that I need such a fancy show horse. I would pay you 150 sovereigns for her."

I snorted in disgust.

"My lord, Lucia is offended. A horse of this intelligence and training would go for five times that amount in Antiva. Plus there was considerable expense bringing this horse to this country."

The stable master took Howe aside and spoke with him. I could see there was a heated discussion in progress.

"My stable master assures me this animal is entirely unique in Ferelden. I am prepared to offer you 450 sovereigns," Howe amended his first offer.

"Sadly, my lord, Arl Bryland has already offered more than that amount. If you could see your way to 600 sovereigns, this one-of-a-kind animal can be yours.

"Bryland?" Howe growled. "That insufferable bastard would love nothing better than to parade this horse in front of everyone." He stared at me a moment. "Very well, 600 sovereigns. She better be worth it or I'm going to have you flogged in the town square."

Zevran bowed graciously and the Arl sent Mundy into the manor to fetch the coins. Zevran helped the Arl onto my back and I got my first taste of what a really terrible rider feels like. He teetered on my back like an overstuffed sack of manure and he pulled on the bit.

"Easy, my lord," Zevran said, seeing my discomfort. "This horse has a delicate mouth. Use your knees and your voice to guide her, she'll listen."

The Arl seemed like the worst sort of dunderhead, but he did listen to Zevran. "Trot!" he said. I went into my paso fino and despite his poor balance he kept his seat well.

"Ah, that is a nice gait," the Arl commented.

"Canter!" he said.

I was really hoping he could keep his seat, he felt very precarious on my back. I eased into the gentlest canter I could conceive of and he kept to his seat. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Arl Howe laughed madly. "I am going to parade this horse past Bryland's estate immediately! Oh and Sighard's too. Perhaps I'll even go pay a visit to my dear friend, the Regent."

The stable master returned and Zevran was paid. He waved to me. "Be a good girl, Lucia." I would have bid him a proper horsey farewell, but Howe was too busy ordering me around the riding ring. I briefly wondered if Zevran would just take off with the money and that would be the last we would see of him.

True to his word the Arl rode me around all day, from one estate to another. He made me perform multiple times over. Unfortunately he fell off me in front of Arl Bryland and he lashed me ruthlessly with his riding crop. Only the memory that we'd stolen a small fortune of gold from him kept me from bucking him off and trampling him to death.

When I was returned to the stable at the end of a brutally long day the stable master whispered comforting words into my ear and apologized for the brutality and stupidity of my new master. He attended to me very carefully and put a soothing balm on the welts that Howe had raised. I nuzzled Mundy and blew on him gently, letting him know in no uncertain terms that I appreciated his kindness.

The sun went down and eventually the stable staff finished their chores and even the stallion had gone quiet. I released my spell and became myself. However, I could feel the welts on my backside. I sneaked through the stables and collected my tack. I flipped off the stallion that had been making such a racket all day and tried to open the stable door... it was locked from the other side.

"Oh for crap's sake!" I cursed. I looked around the stable. All the windows were barred. Big enough for a horse to stick his/her head out but not big enough for a fully grown human to slide out of. I was well and truly stuck in this damn stable unless Zevran came to get me out.

I piled my tack into a neat pile and sat down to wait, hoping he wouldn't abandon me. I was exhausted and hungry after my long day and it wasn't long before I had fallen deeply asleep on top of the tack.

I awoke to a gentle hand stroking my hair out of my face. "Wake up, Grey Warden," Zevran said.

"Thank the maker!" I said. "I was afraid I was going to be stuck here with that horrible man!" I hugged Zevran. "Did you know he beat me?"

"No, mia cara, where?"

"My flank. The fool was a terrible rider and he fell off of me."

"Let me see," Zevran said.

I kindled a small magical light and I pulled up my tunic and pushed down my trousers a little so he could see the top of the welt.

"The beast," Zevran exclaimed. "I should kill him." He ran his fingers lightly over the welt.

"Not yet. Let's see if we can't figure out more ways to humiliate him first," I said.

He chuckled and helped me carry my tack and we left the stable quietly and went back to our inn.

...

1 _Lucy hasn't figured out that Ser isn't spelled Sir and she still wonders why people are calling her Sir. _


	21. Worried Sick

_This is really part two of the prior chapter._

**The Row  
**  
Alistair, Morrigan, Leliana and Wynne were all sitting at a table at the inn, obviously waiting for us. Alistair leapt up with a scowl on his face as Zevran and I walked in.

"Maker's breath, Lissy, I thought..." he looked at Zevran.

I had a huge grin on my face. "Zevran and I had a little project to do today."

Zevran plopped down three enormous sacks of money on the table.

"Six hundred sovereigns," I said. "Thanks to Zevran."

"What? Did you kill someone?" Alistair glared at us.

"What? Oh good grief, no! We just... parted a fool from his money. A particularly nasty fool at that." I beamed at Zevran. "He sold me to Arl Howe for six hundred gold. Or rather, he sold an Antivan Paso Fino for that amount." I giggled. "Then, when it got dark outside, he unlocked the stable and I sneaked out."

Morrigan laughed. "Well done, you two."

Wynne and Alistair both looked scandalized. Leliana looked amused.

"Elissa, you can't do that! You're known in Denerim. We're wanted criminals. We have reputations as Grey Wardens!"

"No one is the wiser," I said. "I was a horse, and Zevran was disguised." I held one of the large sacks in front of Alistair. "That is going to go a long ways towards equipping us, helping us raise the army we need, and end this Blight."

Alistair didn't answer, but I could tell he was angry.

Zevran flagged down a waiter and I ordered a plate of lamb roast, a serving of shepard's pie, a bowl of stew and a flagon of ale. Zevran ordered something much smaller. While we were waiting I told how Zevran sold me to Arl Howe and how he told them that I was like a mabari and could understand the King's tongue.

I was describing how terrible a rider Howe was and how he fell off when he was showing off in front of Bryland and then beat me for it. The welts were still very painful.

"Would you heal them for me, Wynne?" I asked.

She sniffed disdainfully. "I signed up to work with Grey Wardens, not common criminals. Heal them yourself."

I was hurt.

"Never mind, Warden," Zevran said, "I'll rub elf root into them later."

Alistair glared at Zevran. "Please heal her, Wynne," he said gruffly.

Wynne rolled her eyes and a surge of blue light rolled over me and the welts disappeared.

"Thank you," I said meekly.

Alistair got up. "I'm going to my room. Come by after you finish eating, Elissa."

Oh boy, he hadn't called me Elissa in ages, he must be really mad. Wynne got up too and left. Morrigan, Leliana, Zevran and I remained. Sten apparently had stayed in his room all night.

Zevran and I told our story to the more receptive audience left behind and we ordered drinks for them as well.

The four of us laughed over it, but the sweetness of our victory was dulled by the reaction from Alistair and Wynne. Wynne in particular disturbed me. I sincerely hoped I could patch things up with her.

I trudged upstairs after I finished eating and knocked on Alistair's door.

"Come in," he said.

I opened the door and came in, closing it quietly behind me.

"Alistair, I'm sorry..." I started to say.

"Elissa, stop," he said. He didn't sound angry, just disappointed.

"I thought you were dead. When you and Zevran just disappeared, I thought he had finally carried out his job. Why didn't you tell me what you were doing?" he asked, surprisingly calmly.

I looked down, feeling horribly guilty. I had been pretty thoughtless, I realized. I hadn't told him anything, not even that we would be gone all day and into the night. I was so used to acting independently I hadn't really thought through what he might think. The hurt on his face pierced me like a knife.

"I thought you would stop me," I said, truthfully.

"I would have tried to," he admitted. "What you did goes against everything I believe."

I nodded. "I won't apologize for conning a huge sum of money we desperately need from a vile worm like Howe. We're going to use that money for gear we need, and to help speed us on our way to raise our allies. However, I do apologize for not informing you. I should have risked your disapproval rather than let you think something had happened to me."

"I'm not a child, Lucy. I may have been sheltered, but I'm still a man, not a child. You need to stop treating me as one."

_Ugh_. He was utterly right. I had been thinking of him as being a child. I remembered how it was in my twenties. I felt like I was an adult, yet there was so very much I still didn't know about, things it took me a long, long time to understand, or if not understand, to at least be able to deal with without being utterly rent apart emotionally.

"I'll try to do better, Alistair." I sat on the edge of his bed. "There's something else we need to talk about. Please sit."

He looked at me warily and sat down, a good distance from me.

"One thing Duncan impressed on me during the short time I knew him is he would do absolutely anything to end the Blight. He would sacrifice anything and anyone. The fact that he conscripted Elissa as her parents waited for their death, says a lot about how ruthless he could be when faced with the Blight and moral ambiguity."

"He saved her life. Your life!" Alistair protested.

"Absolutely, but the fact is, she didn't want to go at that particular point in time. She was conscripted. Perhaps she thought she could stay behind and defend her parents and help them get away. We won't ever know. Maybe he did it to save a pretty, young girl, or maybe he did it because he thought it would help against the Blight. What do you think?"

"Both," he said. "I think he conscripted her because she would have died there. That she was also a capable fighter was a bonus."

"Okay, I'll buy that. But there were lots of other people he could have rescued in that Castle. If he was simply being chivalrous he could have rescued one or more of the elven servants. But Elissa was a Cousland, someone potentially very useful in ending the Blight. Not just due to her fighting skills but her influence as a noble."

Alistair frowned, looking angry. "You make him sound like he was a cold-hearted schemer."

"I think he was incredibly pragmatic and kind, Al. He was extremely patient with me. Think of what another person might have done. He might have killed me, or handed me over to the templars. Instead, he saw I could still be useful, even though I nearly hashed everything up.

"Is that kindness or pragmatism?" I said. "Was it kindness or pragmatism when he encouraged me to sleep with the King to keep him on our side, against Loghain, even though I was involved with Bendrick?

"What about you?" I asked. "He recruited you away from the Chantry, conscripted actually."

"I wanted to go!" Alistair said.

"But did he do it because he knew, somehow, that you wanted to leave? Or were his reasons that you were a great fighter and the bastard son of the King? Were you the best fighter the Chantry had? Why did he and the Grand Cleric tussle over you? Perhaps they were both aware of your heritage and each of them saw a use for you in whatever plans they had."

His face was growing more angry. "Stop saying these things about Duncan. He wasn't like that."

"Didn't Duncan ever impress upon you that the Grey Wardens did whatever it takes to end the Blight? If those things involved doing things that were morally ambiguous, do you think Duncan would have refused to do them? In the few days I knew him I had already had that lesson drummed into my head. I knew the consequences of failing. Honesty, ethics, morality and honor only have meaning when there's people around to practice them. Did you ever stop to wonder why we're called _Grey_ Wardens? Maybe it has something to do with where we stand morally."

"Are you wanting me to say it was right of you to steal money?" Alistair fumed, "because I'm not going to."

"No," I said, resigning myself to the fact we'd never see eye-to-eye on this, "but you should know that I believe it was the right thing to do, and I won't hesitate to do it again if I believe it will help us accomplish what I was brought here for. However, next time I will inform you ahead of time. I am truly sorry I didn't."

I got up and walked over to the door.

"One more thing," I turned to him to say, "Zevran has my trust. He could have taken that six hundred gold, killed me on numerous occasions, and he hasn't."

"Perhaps he isn't going to kill us, but I still don't trust him," Alistair said.

I nodded and turned back to the door and turned the handle.

"Lucy..." he said, saying my real name again for the second time in the night. "I can't lose you too." The words sounded strangled with emotion.

I turned back again and saw he was fighting tears. I ran over to him and hugged him.

"I know, Alistair. I know." I squeezed him tightly, trying to reassure him. "I'm here. I'm your friend. I won't abandon you. I promise I'll be more considerate in the future."

He wrapped his big arms around me and I could barely draw a breath. "I can't do this without you. I'm sorry. I just thought... you were dead... I didn't know what to do next."

That was not good. If either of us died we would have to carry on. He needed more self-confidence. I was going to have to make sure he could step up if anything happened to me.

"Al, you have what it takes to go on without me, if something should happen, don't ever doubt it. We have to find the Urn, get the Dalish and the Dwarves to agree to fight with us. Then we march into Denerim and tell Loghain his army better join us or else. We find the archdemon, we kill it. The end!"

Alistair started to laugh. "You make it sound so easy."

"It is easy," I said. "One foot in front of the other. Everyday we get a little closer to our goal." I hugged him a little longer, but I was so tired after my grueling day of being a horse. "Are you going to be okay?" I asked him.

"Don't go," he said, still holding onto me tightly.

"We both need some sleep. It was awful being Howe's horse for the day. He was a terrible rider and keeping him on my back took it out of me."

He finally let go of me. "You're right. We should leave early tomorrow."

"Actually, I was thinking we could do some shopping and get some better equipment. I didn't get my armor fixed. Maybe we could just replace it? What about you? A new shield and sword? Better armor? Maybe that mage shop has something for Morrigan and Wynne?"

Alistair smiled. "I guess we could do a little shopping first. But we are leaving tomorrow."

I nodded. "I agree. I'm ready to get out of here before Loghain gets wind of us being here."

He hugged me again briefly and I hugged him back and went to my room. I was vastly relieved that he seemed to have forgiven me, now I just needed to worry about Wynne. I changed into Teagan's shirt and burrowed into bed, hoping the next day was a little less stressful.


	22. I Have a Cunning Plan

_**Lucy's Cunning Plan**_

_**Note: **__ I don't have to warn you all this is AU, right? That should be fairly obvious from the outset. :) Let me warn you, it will become more so as time goes by. Lucy's perspective on things is going to be vastly different than someone who was born and raised in Ferelden._

_I just finished writing a chapter (coming up) where things change drastically and figured I should warn you. There are concepts in this story that come from the book, "The Stolen Throne" and remarks David Gaider has made. So if it seems like I'm straying from the game, I am._

_I had to start this chapter over, trying to get it back to my original plan for where it was supposed to go, but it defied me yet again! So I let it go where it wanted.  
_

~o~o~o~

As we were shopping the next day a large contingent of guards muscled their way through the Market district. I remembered the bear on the shield from Howe's estate, and Howe himself was walking right in their midst, looking around like he was looking for someone... or something.

"Hide me, Al," I hissed at him. I pushed myself against a building and pulled Alistair into me, pretending to kiss him. His bulk more than covered me, only my eyes and the top of my head could be seen.

"It's Arl Howe," I whispered. "He must know Elissa."

The guards were talking to people in the market place and distributing flyers. One of them was getting close to us... too close. I put my hand behind Alistair's head and pulled his mouth down onto mine. I could feel his neck behind my hand getting hot. He must be blushing furiously.

"Get a room, you two," the guard growled and he lost interest and walked away.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled against his lips. "They're all over the market place. Howe is with them."

"It's okay," he mumbled back. His eyes were on mine, his lips just barely touching my own. "Tell me when it is safe."

Zevran strolled over to us. "Hmmm... it seems that Arl Howe is looking for a horse thief. An Antivan with dark hair and a mustache, traveling with a black horse with a pale mane. He's offering two hundred gold for anyone finding them."

I chuckled. "That's almost too tempting to pass up. Can you imagine if we were turned into him and escaped again?" Zevran laughed with me.

"Lissy..." Alistair said, warningly.

"Okay, we'll let this one go, but you have to admit it would be funny," I said quietly.

"He was the man that actually contacted me to kill you two," Zevran said. "Loghain just agreed to it."

"We'll deal with him later," Alistair muttered.

"Don't let him see you!" I hissed at Zevran.

"Well, Alistair is big enough, perhaps he can hide me too," Zevran said suggestively. He bent down and looked at something on the ground, very absorbed in it for a few moments. "Brasca, he almost looked right at me."

"They seem to be leaving," Zevran said.

Alistair pressed his lips against mine harder just for a moment, in an actual, very tentative kiss. I was utterly surprised. I hadn't thought he still harbored feelings for me after I told him I wasn't interested. I felt my face flush and he let me go and broke eye contact with me.

Oh hell, he was a human male, having a human female pressed against him was going to present... challenges, regardless of the circumstances. I couldn't quite assess the state of the... challenge, due to the fact he was wearing heavy armor.

Poor Alistair. A woman who adored him might be a good remedy to his lack of confidence. Maybe I could find someone for him. Leliana, perhaps? Morrigan seemed a very long-shot, I'm not sure she'd build his confidence, she seemed to enjoy tearing him apart too much.

Zevran handed me the flyer. His eyes took in my awkwardness with Alistair and Alistair's shyness with me. Fortunately he kept his thoughts to himself for a change.

"Two hundred gold reward for information leading to the capture of a dark haired, mustachioed Antivan, last seen with a black horse with a pale mane," I read.

"Antivan? Quel Antivan? Mon créateur!" Zevran exclaimed, in what I supposed was supposed to be Orlesian.

I stifled a laugh. "Let's finish up our purchases and get out of here."

We left within the hour. I had new armor. Zevran had a really nice new dagger. Alistair had a new shield. Morrigan and Wynne both had new staves, Leliana had a new bow, Sten had a new helm, and we had a huge supply of potions. Unfortunately our money bags were sadly deflated now, which would make them easier to carry.

~o~o~o~

We took the North road out of Denerim and I hoped we could find a boat at the North end of Lake Calenhad to take us to the south end. That would cut many days of walking off our trip. Alistair suggested the Lake Calendad docks so we ended up going a little south.

Sten started grumbling about looking for the ashes of a dead woman being a waste of time. More and more often he was challenging our decisions. He didn't seem to have any interest or concern for the fact that there was a host of things we needed to do before we challenged the archdemon. He only understood one thing: find the enemy and kill it, or die trying. He definitely was not a big picture guy.

I agreed, but not out-loud, that the quest seemed rather silly. But I knew we were going to need a strong political ally, and the only one I thought I could count on was Arl Eamon, and Bann Teagan, of course. Arl Eamon was very well respected from what I had heard. Even though I also thought that Andraste's ashes was probably a waste of time, I was committed to trying. It sounded stupid and pointless, but then again, I could already vouch that weirder things had happened.

Our evenings were spent around the camp fire telling stories. Leliana was always eager to entertain us, but every now and then she felt it necessary to pry into my background. She wanted to know all about my, or rather, Elissa's childhood and about my supposed torrid affair with Bann Teagan.

"You're making too much out of it, Leli," I told her. "There's no big romance here. It was just... a ... thing," I protested.

Leliana shook her head. "For you, perhaps, but not for him. I saw how he looked at you."

Zevran looked on with interest. "So is our Warden breaking hearts across Ferelden?" he asked Leliana, as if I wasn't sitting right there.

"It'll be easier to gossip about me if I go elsewhere." I got up and went over to talk to Wynne. We hadn't really had a chance to talk since leaving Denerim.

I smiled at her and was relieved when she returned it. "Care to talk, Wynne?"

She nodded.

"About what happened in Denerim, I apologized to Alistair for being so secretive about it and I owe you the same. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I was up to. I knew you two would give me a hard time about it and I didn't want to be dissuaded."

Wynne nodded. "You should have told us. We were worried sick about you."

"Just to be clear though, I'm not apologizing for what we did. We got the money to get some good equipment, hire a boat to take us closer to Haven, pay whatever bribes or fees we're faced with in the coming weeks. You got a very nice staff out of it, right?"

She smile. "I know, dear, Alistair talked to me about it. He explained that Grey Wardens will resort to things we might not agree with, during times of Blight."

I must have looked surprised.

"He said that?" I asked.

Wynne nodded. "I suppose it makes sense you're the one to make those choices. His being raised in the Chantry makes that difficult for him. You... well, your moral code seems... more," Wynne paused and frowned. "I don't know how to say this without sounding judgmental, but the right word seems to be _flexible_."

I laughed. "Well, I suppose that is apt. What I told Alistair is morality and ethics are only applicable when there are live humans to practice those things. If the Blight kills us because we're too _good_ to do what needs to be done, then we've failed. The darkspawn aren't going to be overly troubled by such things."

"I suppose I owe you an apology. I shouldn't have said you were a common criminal. There's nothing common about you, Lucy," Wynne said, warmly, a mischievous smile playing on her lips.

I smiled, gratified to feel understood. "Thank you, Wynne. I appreciate the understanding." I paused. "Or did you just called me an uncommon criminal?"

She just smiled.

I bit my lip hesitating to ask. "Can I still learn healing from you?" I asked her.

She nodded. "Yes. Here for a lesson then?"

"Yes, but can we skip all this tosh about humors and vapors? Diseases are caused by tiny organisms..."

Wynne and I didn't actually get down to any magic, we just discussed germs and such things all night. I hoped I could get her back on track another night.

~o~o~o~

We got to the docks at Lake Calenhad a couple days later and we got three rooms at The Spoiled Princess. All the men in one room, sharing a very large bed. We four women were in slightly smaller rooms and were two to a bed. Despite sharing a bed with Wynne, it was heaven being back in a bed. I would have gotten more rooms, but that was all the inn had.

I was looking forward to taking a boat to the docks in Redcliffe. Perhaps spending a night at Redcliffe, in a room with a nice bed. Oh hell, who am I kidding, Bann Teagan factored into that too. There was something in Zevran's philosophy that rang true with me. Death was a constant companion. Taking your pleasure where you could, in the face of the a probable early death, seemed like a great idea. Of course, with Zevran, there seemed to be an implied invitation. I was still thinking it over. It hadn't been that long since he had tried to murder us.

The boat that sailed around Lake Calenhad arrived the next day. It was a trip of half a day to get us to Redcliffe, with a strong wind blowing the way we needed it to blow. We arrived at the Redcliffe docks in the early afternoon. We went straightaway to the castle. I was hoping to get my laundry washed, a long soak in the bathtub and perhaps a nap in before dinner.

Bann Teagan was running down the stairs into the courtyard when we came through the portcullis. He slowed to a more dignified pace and greeted us warmly.

"Wardens, it is good to see you back! Any news?" he exclaimed happily, clasping Alistair and kissing my hand. His eyes met mine for just a moment. They were dark, intense looking and one corner of his mouth curved in a bare smile that hinted he was particularly glad to see me.

"Indeed, Bann Teagan," Alistair said. "We know where to find Brother Genitivi, or at least, where to look for him." He told Teagan what we had discovered and showed him his notes.

"That is good news," Teagan said. "Eamon is stable, fortunately. Nothing seems to have changed with him while you've been gone. Can you stay a few nights to rest before you go to this Haven place? It looks like it will be a taxing journey."

Alistair and I looked at each other. I knew Alistair wanted to be off as soon as possible, but I felt we could stand a short rest and it would be useful to have all our clothes laundered while we were here.

"What do you think, Al? Two nights? Perhaps we could get our clothes all laundered. Your socks might wander off on their own if we don't get them properly washed," I suggested.

Alistair agreed and we told the others we would be staying for two nights. Everyone looked fairly happy, except Sten who looked irritated by the delay.

"Well, since you're not rushing off tomorrow morning, let's make a party out of it tonight," Teagan suggested. "We can celebrate the good news about Brother Genitivi. Unfortunately Isolde won't be here, she's gone with Connor to Kinloch Hold. She probably won't be back for a few days." Teagan did not look displeased at her absence.

"Don't put yourself out on our account," I said.

"It is no trouble at all, Lady Cousland," Teagan said.

Teagan escorted us into the Castle and showed us to our rooms, the same ones we had had before.

I took some time to bathe and change then I went to find Alistair. I wanted to discuss something I had been thinking about. He wasn't in his room, but eventually I found him in Eamon's study with Teagan.

"Ah, good. You're both here. I wanted to talk to you both about something I've been thinking about." I closed the study door so we could have privacy.

Teagan poured some brandy for me, which I accepted.

"Can we stop this civil war before it get's worse?" I asked. "We need to have the country united to fight the Blight."

Teagan's mouth dropped. "After Loghain quit the field and let the King die?" Alistair looked at me with a similar look of amazement.

"We were late in lighting the signal to alert Loghain. We were attacked by darkspawn in the Tower of Ishal and they delayed us. We missed the signal. It's entirely possible that Loghain saw it was too late once we did light the beacon. I can't really fault him for the decision he made, not knowing what the circumstances on the ground were."

"Lissy, he left the King to die!" Alistair said.

"The King foolishly insisted on being on the front lines with the Grey Wardens. Should Loghain have risked losing an entire army, instead of half of one, just to try to save Cailan and fail anyway? Where would we be if that happened? No standing army in Ferelden whatsoever!"

Neither man said anything for a moment.

"It still remains that he poisoned Arl Eamon," Alistair said.

I sighed. "True, and I have no idea why. Teagan, do you have any notion why he would have done that? Are they enemies?"

"Loghain hates Orlais with a passion, I think he never really forgave Eamon for marrying an Orlesian."

I made a face, not quite believing it. "Is this marriage recent? Surely Connor is twelve at least. They must have been married awhile?" I was confused.

"No, they've been married since shortly after the war. I don't think that's the reason. Perhaps..." Teagan made a worried looking face and dug through one of the drawer's in the desk in Eamon's study. "This might be the reason." He produced a piece of paper and handed it to me. It looked to be a draft of a letter.

_"...perhaps when this is over you will allow me to bring up the subject of your heir. While a son from both the Theirin and Mac Tir lines would unite Ferelden like no other, we must accept that perhaps this can never be. The queen approaches her thirtieth year and her ability to give you a child lessens with each passing month. I submit to you again that it might be time to put Anora aside. We parted harshly the last time I spoke of this, but it has been a full year since then and nothing has changed._"

"He was asking Cailan to put aside the queen and find another to produce an heir," I said. I bit my lip and looked at Teagan and Alistair. I shrugged. "Could that be it? I'm too ignorant of your country to understand the ramifications. Would Loghain poison Eamon simply to keep his daughter as queen?"

Teagan shrugged. "I truly don't know. I never thought he was all that ambitious. The stories of him during the occupation paint him as a man who really didn't seek power or recognition."

Alistair was looking frustrated with me. "Loghain seemed to distrust the Grey Wardens too. I think he thought we were trying to bring the Orlesians in to take over the country, when we just wanted them for reinforcements."

"I don't really understand all this about the Orlesians," I admitted. "I know they were enemies once but things have been settled for awhile haven't they?"

"Some people have never put aside their hatred of Orlais," Teagan said. "The occupation lasted a hundred years and they were pretty brutal at times. Loghain's own family was destroyed by the occupation. His hatred and distrust of Orlais is embedded in his soul."

I smiled grimly thinking of how many people I had met like that. People who could never put aside an old enemy. The Cold War brought the paranoiacs out of the woodwork. For many years afterward they still held onto their distrust and suspicions. People tend to be very black and white in their thinking.

I chewed my lip. Maybe we could work around this paranoia. If he could be made to understand the real threat, perhaps he'd see reason.

"I'm given to understand that Loghain was crucial to the defeat of the Orlesians. Is that true?" I asked.

Alistair and Teagan launched into a history lesson about the battle of the River Dane and how several other battles that Loghain had orchestrated brilliantly.

"So, he's a flawed genius," I said. "A great general, but perhaps a little too caught up in a war that has been over for thirty years. Right?"

"True," Teagan said.

"What if we could convince him to put aside his hostilities and suspicions and work with us. After the Blight is handled, they can fuss with succession, but for now wouldn't it be best if we could all work together?"

Teagan reluctantly agreed.

"How do you propose we get him to agree to that?" Alistair said, still frowning.

"Remember in Lothering the message we sent to him? I said I wanted to meet with him. I still do. If there's a chance we can work this out without wasting more Ferelden lives, we have to try."

"Are you planning something, Lissy?" Alistair asked. The suspicion was gathering on his face.

Teagan nodded. "It sounds very dangerous. Loghain is putting it out that the Grey Wardens intentionally delayed the signal so the battle would be lost. Crazy as that sounds, a lot of people will believe anything Loghain says.

"I have a plan, or the beginnings of one. I think I could manage to get Loghain alone, where he would have to listen to me, or at least reject me directly," I said.

Teagan looked at me thoughtfully. "Loghain is beset by troubles. Some suspect that he left the king to die intentionally. I admit that was my thought as well. If the Grey Wardens came out in support of Loghain's leaving the battlefield then that might change the course of things. As they stand now, it looks like it will become a civil war and soon, at that.

"But Lucy, you could be trying to reason with a madman if he's convinced the Grey Wardens are working with the Orlesians."

"I don't think he believes his own propaganda," I said. "He knows damn well I tried to get him to change his plan and not rely on one signal, but have a backup signal as well. If it had been our intention to delay why would I have suggested such a thing? I think he's just using us as a scapegoat to try to hold together whatever support he currently has."

Alistair looked angry. "I can't believe you're considering this. He left everyone to die. Duncan, Bendrick..."

I wanted to go thunk my head against a wall. "Alistair, we were late lighting the signal." I felt my temper starting to fray. "He may not have had another option."

Alistair glared at me. I decided pressing the point now wasn't wise. Maybe he just needed some time to let the idea settle in and take root.

"We don't have to decide anything now. I'd like to hear Arl Eamon's opinion on the matter, if we find a cure for him. I think we could all just ponder the notion for awhile and discuss it again later."

Teagan stood up and changed the subject. "Well, we have a celebration to get ready for! I have clothes for your companions, and you too, Lucy."

"Oh!" I said. "That sounds like fun. I haven't dressed up since I've been in your world. You'd be amazed at what we wear in my world... very little compared to what you all wear." I was thinking about how to explain bikinis and thongs. The smallest scrap of cloth that sort of covers your privates, mostly, requiring hours of painful hair removal so your private-parts resemble a 12-year old's. It sounded a bit insane now that I thought about it. I feeling rather happy I was in a world where women didn't feel compelled to strip all their body hair off with hot wax, or razors.

Teagan's eyebrows rose. "Oh? I'll want to hear about that sometime, but we should get ready. I'll have your dress brought to your room, Lucy." He took me by the arm and walked me back to my room. He looked around to see if anyone was watching and stole a kiss from me.

"I missed you, Lucy," he murmured, running his hand down my hair.

"Do you want to come in and talk for awhile?" I offered, realizing by talk I meant something else entirely.

He looked at me intently, clearly understanding my offer. "I do, but I should attend to overseeing things for the celebration. Your maid will be here soon to help you with your dress."

I snorted, "I hardly need a maid to get dressed. I've been dressing myself since I was four years old - five for the tricky clothes."

Teagan looked amused. "You might sing a different tune when you see the dress I have for you to wear tonight."

I must have looked surprised because it made him laugh. "I'll escort you to dinner in about an hour and a half. Will that be enough time?"

"Good grief, how difficult can it be?" I asked.

That just set him to laughing harder. "You'll have to tell me, later." He walked off down the hall, still chuckling.

I wondered exactly what kind of contraption I was going to be wearing. I found out a few minutes later when a pair of servants came in bearing armloads of clothes. They were laid out carefully on my bed. I couldn't believe the amount of fabric that went into it. I wondered how I was going to move.

"His lordship had this made especially for you, my lady," the servant babbled happily. "The day you left he hired a seamstress."

The under clothes consisted of a corset, some silky smalls and fine silk hosiery, fastened at the top to the corset by garters. It felt rather decadently opulent. There were even tiny pink rosettes embroidered into the corset and garters. Over that went a light sort of... I didn't know what to call it... an _under dress? _Maybe it was like a slip. But it was obviously meant to show around the cleavage. It was cream colored, scalloped and just barely covered my breasts, which were being pushed up provocatively by the corset. Over that layer went a heavy green brocade dress that had a row of tiny buttons to be fastened in the back. I couldn't possibly have buttoned it myself, so the maid was a necessity more than a convenience. The corset also laced in the back, so another piece of clothing designed to make me completely dependent on someone else.

The sleeves, which were slashed for the cream under-dress to show through, were attached to the over-dress by laces and another thing was fastened around my waist and laced up. It was almost like I was wearing two corsets. It was a wonder I could breathe. The overdress was made of a deep green brocade fabric and the stomacher, as the maid called it, was pale spring green.

"My lady, this looks wonderful with your hair," the maid gushed. She guided me over to a chair and was pulling the tangles out of my dark red hair and piling it up on my head, letting some of my curls hang down on one side. I could see my reflection in a large, silver-backed mirror. I looked like I'd just walked out of some costume epic... maybe _Dangerous Liaisons?_

"Good grief," I exclaimed, "this seems rather extravagant."

"Bann Teagan wanted to have a proper welcome for the Grey Wardens, and you especially, Lady Cousland," the maid said.

I really couldn't help but admire the reflection in the mirror. The outfit was stunning. The maid put some rouge on my cheeks and lips and left, telling me that Bann Teagan would be by shortly. She left me with a bottle of wine and a glass. I poured myself a drink while I waited and looked at myself in the mirror, trying to pretend I was Glenn Close in _Dangerous Liaisons, _a bored aristocrat making a bet with another bored aristocrat.

"One does not applaud the tenor for clearing his throat," I said, archly, to the beautiful woman in the mirror. It was the only line I remembered from the movie. I still had that mental disconnect with my reflection in the mirror and who I expected to see. The finery only made it that much worse. I think I could finally look at myself and not imagine Elissa staring back at me accusing me of stealing her body. That was progress, at least.

A knock at my door interrupted my reverie.

"Enter," I said, still playing the part of the Marquise.

"You're even more beautiful than I had imagined," he said, softly.

He was dressed rather splendidly too, in browns and reds, with tall, black leather boots that were entirely hot.

"You really had this made for me?" I asked. "It's so... extravagant."

"I didn't want you to have to dress up in Isolde's cast-offs when you come to visit," he said. "I couldn't bear her gloating over you being dressed in last year's fashions."

I laughed, thinking how they were fashions from many centuries ago in my world. What is a year when all the clothes are eight hundred years out of date?

"I don't mind, Teagan. I'm hardly aware of what is fashionable and what isn't on your world. You could put me in a burlap sack and tell me it was haute couture and I would believe you."

"On you, it would be," he said.

I leaned into him and kissed him. "You are incredibly sweet, though." I looked at the mirror again. "This dress is amazing. I feel like a princess."

He smiled proudly at me. "There's something more, though." He handed me a pair of small boxes and I opened them. There was a beautiful necklace made of green stones. Emeralds? And earrings to match.

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "This is beautiful."

"I'm glad you like them," he said. "They're yours."

My face furrowed. "Teagan, this is too much. I'll happily wear them, but it is far too expensive of a gift for me to accept." I felt like he was trying to buy my affection. Was he still thinking of me as Elissa?

He kissed my hand. "I know it's a bit much, I just couldn't resist them when I saw them and thought of your red hair with these green gems."

He fastened the necklace around my neck, moving my hair out of the way and kissing my neck. I put the earrings on myself and looked in the mirror.

"I don't recognize myself," I said.

"Elissa would have."

"Perhaps so. But this is... so not me, Teagan. You have to realize that. I'm just a plain, ordinary person. I'm more like one of your servants than like ... this."

He looked at me softly. "But you're so beautiful, Lucy. You should be like this all the time."

"Ack!" I said, "that would make me crazy. However, I can play dress-up and completely enjoy it from time to time."

"Then enjoy it tonight," he said, kissing my neck and nibbling on my ears.

"Oh yes, definitely." I murmured, beginning to like the idea of dressing-up more and more.

He took my arm and lead me to dinner, seating me next to him at the long table. All my companions were also dressed splendidly. It seemed Teagan had procured something for each of them. There was a little murmur of approval as Teagan and I walked in. There were a number of people around the table I recognized from our other trip. Ser Perth, and many of the Redcliffe knights, Mayor Murdock, and a few others I recognized.

"You look ravishing tonight, cara mia" Zevran said, his eyes barely moving from my breasts.

"You're looking very dashing yourself, Zev," I said. I wondered where his finery had come from. Did Teagan just keep fine elven clothes around or had he had something made for each of us?

Dinner was wonderful and no one seemed to miss Isolde. I certainly didn't miss her barbed remarks and overly sanctimonious ways. The food was plentiful and the mood was light. Everyone seemed very optimistic that we would find the Urn of Sacred Ashes, cure Arl Eamon and handle the Blight. Or at least, they were doing a good job pretending they thought that. I admit that I did my fair share of pretending too.

As the dinner progressed and we drank more, the looks between Teagan and I got steamier. At some point I slipped off one of the elegant gray slippers I was wearing and was running my stockinged foot along his leg. Dessert was strawberries and whipped cream. I ate them, perhaps a little more sensuously than was strictly called for, sending Teagan steamy looks when licking the cream off my lips and fingers. They _were_ delicious though and we hadn't had many treats in quite some time.

I leaned back in my chair flushing and looked around the table suddenly remembering I wasn't exactly alone with Bann Teagan. I smiled and dabbed at my lips with my napkin, trying to recover some sense of propriety.

"Excuse me, but I think I'll turn in early," I said brightly, seeing raised eyebrows around the table. "Grey Wardens need a lot sleep," I dissembled. "Darkspawn fighting is exhausting work." I cleared my throat and rose.

"Bann Teagan, my thanks for your lovely hospitality as always. I only wish Isolde were still here so I could thank her as well," I lied about wishing I could thank Isolde. I was relieved I didn't have to see her.

"Allow me to escort you, my lady," Teagan said, a tiny smile just barely curving his lips, but his eyes were speaking volumes.

"Why thank you, Bann Teagan, this Castle is so large, I fear I might get lost," I said, knowing no one would be taken in by my sudden helplessness. I could see Leliana barely suppressing her mirth.

Teagan took my arm and guided me out of the dining room and I could hear the mirth erupt behind us. I smiled at Teagan.

"I'm afraid your reputation might be sullied after tonight," he said.

"Such things mean little where I come from," I said. "Besides, I don't know how long I'm going to survive in this place. The Blight, Loghain, a bandit's arrow, Arl Howe... any number of things might make such concerns look extremely trivial. I'm living for today, Teagan."

"That's wise, Lucy. Advice we should all follow until this Blight is over, perhaps."

I nodded. "Don't make any long range plans, we might all be darkspawn fodder before long, unless..." I shuddered at the thought.

"Shush," he said, "tonight's not the time for thinking about that."

I shook my head. "No, of course not. I have more pleasant things to think about." I stopped him in the hallway, just before my room with a kiss.

"You're going to help me out of this beautiful dress, aren't you?" I asked Teagan, batting my eyelashes helplessly.

"So you admit now that dressing in Ferelden is no child's task?" he said.

I lowered my head. "I concede defeat to your clothing, my lord. I have solved many puzzles in my life, but this one eludes me. It's a textile Rubik's cube."

He laughed and ushered me into my room and shut the door. "Let's see if I can suss it out," he said.

"You've probably had more experience at this than I have," I said, impishly.

He smiled back. "My lady! The insinuations!" He acted wounded by my statement.

He began plucking at strings, undoing buttons and opening frogs quite dexterously. Either he had a lot of experience disrobing women or he was a closeted clothes designer. I was betting on the former.

"Um hm, I don't think a lady's maid could have done that any more handily than you did... my lord." My voice lowered on the honorific, making it sound as sexy as possible.

He pulled the under-dress off and I laid it over the back of a chair. That left me in just the elaborate under things.

He growled in his throat and pulled me over to the settee in front of the fire.

"Lucy, you're so beautiful, so brave, resourceful, wise, sensible... and you make me insane when you're near me." He reached around to the back of my head and pulled me close for a kiss.

I could taste the wine he had been drinking for dinner. The smell of whatever scent he used, or perhaps soap, wafted over me, that and the leather of his boots, plus whatever it was that made Teagan smell like Teagan.

I began to fumbled at him, trying to figure out how to undress him. His clothes weren't quite so complicated but it was more complex than jeans and a tee shirt. I wasn't in the mood to solve an interesting puzzle, my mood was something quite different. I whimpered my frustration.

"These clothes are too complicated! Zippers, elastic, spandex, I can handle. But this? How do you people ever manage to have sex?"

Teagan chuckled and unbuttoned his doublet. It wasn't really all that complicated once I saw him do it. He sat down on the settee and took off his boots, then he pulled me onto his lap.

"Are you going to free me from this torture device?" I asked, gesturing to the corset. "I remember how fond I once was of breathing."

"The secret of the corset is that you have to struggle to breathe and it makes your bosom heave fetchingly," he said, watching the miracle of constrained breathing in front of his eyes.

"Sadist," I hissed, tweaking his braid, "release me from this evil device."

"Not just yet, my lady," he said, enjoying my discomfort. Then he pulled down on the bottom of my corset and my breasts, which were neatly, but barely, tucked inside, sprang free, nipples peeked over the top, pushed up by the whale bone stays inside the corset.

He leaned over and suckled on a nipple, gently pulling on it with his lips. My breath, limited as it was, caught and I hissed in pleasure. His fingers pinched its mate lightly. I turned and sat with my knees on either side of his thighs, and stretched up, as he sat on the settee, pushing my breasts as close to his mouth as I could get them, begging silently for more.

He chuckled and his mouth dipped from one breast to the other, suckling gently at first, then growing harder and more demanding, remembering how I liked it.

"Sweet Maker," I moaned. My fingers played with his ears and hair while he sucked on my nipples. His free hand roamed over my body, floating over the silky smalls and the stockings I still wore. Then his hand caressed my backside and between my thighs, his fingers working their way into my smalls.

"Lucy," he said, "you're soaking." His thumb circled my nub and a finger played over my entrance, teasing me. Then he pulled my nipple into his mouth and bit down lightly. That sent me over the edge. I arched my back and clenched tightly as an orgasm rocked me.

"Maker's breath, woman, you're responsive." His eyes shone with firelight and lust.

The orgasm only fueled the fire. It was an amuse-bouche. I was ready for an appetizer. I sank my mouth onto Teagan's mouth and pulled his lower lip between my teeth. My hands roamed over his naked chest and down, searching for the fastenings on his trousers.

The trousers I could deal with and I had them unfastened efficiently. I pulled them down, and his small clothes with them, just far enough to free that which needed freeing. I wrapped my hand around his length and he gasped my name. I pulled down my own smalls, only managing to actually remove one leg from them before he pulled me back to him and I was astride him again on the settee, a knee on either side of his lap and his erection just barely touching me.

I hovered over him a moment and felt the heat coming off him. The look in his eyes was intense, almost wild. I slowly lowered myself on him, feeling him just beginning to push past my folds, stretching me, slowly drawing him into me further and further. His hand went between us, seeking out my nub again as I settled onto him, fully taking him inside me now. He groaned with pleasure and I lifted myself and rolled my hips. I established a rhythm and he matched it with his own thrusts. One hand was rubbing my nub, one arm wrapped around my waist.

I felt myself nearing a peak yet again. I bent forward and buried my mouth into Teagan's neck, biting to keep myself from screaming. He responded to the bite with a jerk of his hips and I could feel him swelling within me. He cried out my name and I rode him until he stilled, but I was still not quite there myself.

He looked at me, sensing my incompletion, but too languid to move yet. He threaded his fingers though mine and brought them to my nub. He rubbed me with our joined hands. It was a strange sensation, not really knowing whose finger was touching me. I ground myself against our co-joined hands until I shuddered in another release, even stronger than the last one. I tumbled off his lap, onto the settee, my legs finally too tired to hold me up any longer.

He pulled me against his chest and kissed me softly. "Lucy, the things you do to me," he said with a satisfied smile.

"Are you going to take this corset off me now? Have I earned my freedom?" I asked him.

He chuckled. "Perhaps we should undress." He still had his trousers pushed only partway down his legs. My smalls were still hanging on one leg. I pulled them off the rest of the way and Teagan worked at freeing me from the corset. The garters and stockings came off next and I had to admit, I was rather glad for the freedom from restrictive lingerie.

I pulled off Teagan's trousers and smalls the rest of the way. He was just beginning to show interest again and I hoped I could perhaps encourage the processes. I settled between his legs and licked his length carefully, hoping he wasn't over-sensitive. He responded quickly and it wasn't long before he was fully erect again. He lifted me up.

"Shall we try the bed, for a change?" he proposed.

"That sounds novel," I said, smiling.

I stood up and led the way to the bed. I bounced onto the bed and waited for him. He crawled over to me and covered me in kisses, sucking on my nipples again, pinching them and watching me respond. I was writhing again and he turned me so that I was on all fours. He rubbed his erection against my backside. It sent a jolt through me. Then his hands went between my legs. I was sopping wet from his seed and my juices. He thrust into me.

I cried out, forgetting to be quiet. My gasps got louder and louder, and I was babbling encouragement to Teagan. He had one arm wrapped around my hips, the other still rubbing my bundle of nerves, and he was thrusting into me with hard strokes, his angle hitting me just perfectly. I heard him calling my name, encouraging me to come for him. I pushed myself back to meet his thrusts and his fingers rubbing against me pushed me over the edge and I came again with a very loud moan. He thrust wildly into me a few more times and then he came as well, collapsing against my back.

It was a few moments before either one of us could talk or move.

"Ah Lucy, you are desire personified," he lifted my limp hand to his mouth and kissed it.

I gave a weak chuckle. "I think you just called me a desire demon."

"That would explain a lot," Teagan said, "including why my brain stops working when I see you."

I got up and found a towel I could clean myself off with so I wasn't quite so soppy. Then I crawled back into bed with Teagan.

"I wish you didn't have to leave so soon," he said. "I'd keep you here if I could. This place is lonely with my brother ill and you gone."

"Teagan, I can't promise there's any future for us. I have passion for you, and friendship, but I'm not sure that this will lead to anything else."

"Relationships have been built on less," he said. "Much less."

Teagan pulled the covers over us and we snuggled together closely. "Sleep peacefully, Grey Warden," he kissed my forehead and I fell asleep listening to the sound of his breathing.

~o~o~o~o~

_I was wandering a place made of stone and dust. It smelled of centuries of neglect and disuse. There was a the scent of rocks burning and a bright orange glow in the distance. I walked down a long road, misshapen figures were obscured in the shadows, they seemed to take little notice of me as I walked down the road. Finally the road met a deep abyss and ran parallel to it. I saw an horde of the figures down below. I crouched down, beside the edge of the abyss and watched them marching. A figure from above me swooped down and landed on a rock, no it was a bridge, that spanned the abyss. A dragon. The archdemon, I knew it now from my dreams. He roared something and looked directly at me. I could almost understand him. He knew me. He could see me just as I saw him. Fear lanced through me and I turned to run but I was held fast. _

"Lucy, it's all right." Teagan held me tightly and stroked my face. I awoke, struggling to escape from him, gasping with fear and trembling. I realized I had been dreaming and I relaxed.

"A nightmare?" he asked.

I nodded. "The archdemon. He looked right at me. It was as if he saw me. As if he he was promising to come for me. I never had that happen before. Usually I just see him flying around."

"Do you think it meant anything?" Teagan asked.

"I think I'm a lose end, a task uncompleted. I think he meant for us all to be killed at Ostagar. Alistair and I weren't supposed to have escaped."

Teagan squeezed me to his chest. "Let's find some happier dreams in the Fade for you." He talked to me quietly, telling me about happy memories he had, beautiful places he had seen, until he felt me relax. I went to sleep again and I didn't have another nightmare.

~o~o~o~o~

We slept late the next morning and made love again, sleepily and slowly. When we pried our limbs apart and crawled out of bed I filled the tub with hot water and we bathed together. The castle was bustling with activity by the time he left my room. If we were going to hide our affair we had failed miserably.

I saw him a short while later at breakfast and most of my companions were there.

"You look well rested, Elissa," Leliana said. "You must have slept well, no?"

I nodded, choosing to disregard the implied question within her question. "I did, except I had a very bad nightmare last night." I turned to Alistair. "Did you by any chance?"

Alistair shook his head. "No, not that I remember. What was it?"

"I dreamed the archdemon saw me and was trying to communicate with me. He seemed to be saying we were all meant to die at Ostagar, but he'd be seeing to us soon."

Alistair looked concerned. "I've never really understood him in my dreams."

Teagan walked into the dining room just then. He sat down next to me and smiled at me. "What are your plans for today?"

"We need to get our laundry done," I said. "Is there somewhere we can do it?"

Teagan laughed. "No worries. After breakfast we'll have it done for you. I'll assign someone to that task."

"Thanks! I have to admit doing laundry isn't something I relish."

"Have you thought of learning to jump, as a horse?" he asked.

I looked up. "No, I hadn't. I suppose that might be a good idea. If I'm going to be a proper horse I should learn that."

I told Teagan how we had sold a fine Antivan Paso Fino to Arl Howe, only to have it disappear that very night.

"... and so Arl Howe donated generously to the Grey Warden's coffers. We were able to purchase meals, armor, lodgings, weapons and supplies we badly needed."

Teagan laughed uproariously. "Oh, that served him right. I only wish I could have been there to hear him yelling the next day when his horse disappeared."

"The man was a terrible rider. He fell off when he was riding me in front of Arl Bryland, showing off his new horse. It was funny, but he beat me with his quirt."

I never saw Teagan look angry until then. "I can't stand a man that would mistreat a horse, or a woman."

"Well, the best salve for my welts was the gold he paid for renting me for the day."

~o~o~o~o~

I spent the day learning how to jump fences and other obstacles as a horse. First without a rider, then with Teagan riding me. It was rather fun and I able to take small fences without too much trouble by the end of the day. I thought I could practice on my own and learn to take higher fences later.

"Do you know if Loghain fancies horses?" I asked, after we finished our training.

"Yes, I think his family raised horses when he was a boy," he said. "He is an avid rider." Then he realized what I was thinking and he turned to look at me. "That's how you intend to get to Loghain."

I nodded.

His eyes looked worried. "I don't like this. What if he attacks you?"

"I can defend myself well enough. He's not exactly in his prime."

"Loghain is wily. Don't underestimate him, Lucy."

"Hopefully it will not come to violence," I said.

"When do you intend to do this?" Teagan asked.

"I don't know. Next time we're in Denerim. Hopefully before too long. We need to try to stop the civil war before it really gets going."

"Do you think Alistair will agree with this?" he asked.

I bit my thumbnail. "I don't know. Will your brother?"

Teagan shrugged. "I can't say."

"What about you?" I asked.

"I think you're right, but I'm hardly impartial."

"Then I'll just have to convince Alistair," I said. "Should I tell your brother who I really am?"

Teagan rubbed the back of his neck, looking conflicted. "I don't think you should. Eamon is a traditionalist. He believes in preserving nobility. I think he holds it against Loghain that he is of common blood, and Anora too. He holds the Couslands in high esteem due to their position. He may even suggest that Alistair take the throne due to his father being Maric. I think he'd probably take it very badly to discover that you're not only not Elissa Cousland, but you're also a mage."

"Are you okay with keeping my real identity a secret from your brother," I asked.

Teagan nodded. "I don't like it, but I will do it. I wish my brother were not such a bough-in-the-bog."

I puzzled a moment over the phrase he used and realized it was kind of like "stick-in-the-mud". I squeezed his hand. "Okay, then that's what we will do."

I mused a bit. "What options do we have? Try to get rid of Loghain and Anora? And do what? Won't people squabble over the throne? Is Anora a good leader? Why not leave her in charge?"

"Anora is popular," Teagan said, " Cailan was popular too but frankly I think Anora had the best grasp of what was really required of the position. However, she's of common blood and some people just won't let go of that fact. I think Eamon might be one of them."

I rolled my eyes with frustration. "But her father is a Teyrn, how many generations before someone decides you're not a commoner any longer?" I had to laugh, it all just seemed totally arbitrary and stupid. Is it truly better to have someone royal but clueless than only slightly-noble and competent?

"So tell me," I said, beginning to rant a bit, "would I be considered noble? Me with my non-noble consciousness inside a noble body? What about Elissa inside my former body? Where exactly is _nobility_ located?"

Teagan looked a little surprised by my rant. He shrugged. "I don't think anyone thinks that deeply about it. Your nobility or lack of it is a handy excuse to either support you or oppose you when the other reasons sound weak."

"Exactly!" I hugged Teagan. "I'm just trying to make sense out of this. Forgive my ranting. I don't understand things and I need someone to listen to my ideas and tell me if I'm wrong or not. Or if my ideas would backfire horribly. Would you please tell me if I'm wrong or making a mistake?"

He smiled at me. "I will do my best to advise you. But you'd better tell me exactly what you're planning."

I nodded and Teagan and I sat down on the fence around the pasture and I explained my plan so far.


	23. Mutiny on the Mountain, Part 1

**Note: **_I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for some time now. :) Thanks for all the reviews! It makes my day._  
**  
Mutiny on the Mountain**

Redcliffe lay many days behind us and the climb into the Frostback Mountains had been arduous. Haven was strangely unknown and unheard of by people we stopped to talk to. I was almost getting the feeling it was hidden. Yet, I suppose it made sense. If you had one of the holiest relics in the world, that also served as a miracle cure for virtually everything, you might want to keep it a secret.

I entertained myself imagining we were the Knights of the Round Table looking for the Holy Grail. Alistair could be Sir Galahad! Arl Eamon was obviously King Arthur. Who was I then? Zoot! From the Castle Anthrax. I'm sure I'd be the one playing tricks with the Grail-shaped beacon. I was chuckling to myself and not really noticing that the path we were following had started to look a lot like a road, when Sten suddenly stopped and refused to move.

"Sten?" I asked.

He glared at me, his strange eyes looking more defiant than usual.

"Interesting strategy," he said, dryly. "Tell me: Do you intend to keep going north until it becomes south and attack the archdemon from behind?"

Irony, from Sten? I had noted before that Sten seemed to like the appearance of strength so I pulled on my bad-ass pants and stood up to him.

"Don't argue with me right now, Sten," I growled, only somewhat faking my anger. I was irritated. Irritated that I had to act like I was some hard-ass commander so this... soldier-drone would feel confident in me. It also irritated me how he took offense at my being a woman and also being a warrior-ish type of person.

"Oh? Are we in some hurry? I ask your pardon then."

More damn sarcasm from the guy who has strung together perhaps five words the entire time I've known him?

"It seems to me," he continued, "as though we were in the midst of aimlessly climbing a mountain in the middle of nowhere."

"It seems you've become quite chatty suddenly, Sten. What do you want, exactly?"

"Reason."

Ah! There was the Sten I knew and loved - well, tolerated. One word answer. Life was back to normal.

"The archdemon is our goal. And we are heading away from it. To find the charred remnants of a dead woman."

Oops, guess not. Chatty Sten was chatting.

"I will not simply follow in your shadow as you run from battle," he said.

"Well, tough shit, mister. There's nothing you can do about it. I'm in charge." I puffed myself up, pulling back my shoulders, standing up extra straight, uselessly. I was still much smaller and far less intimidating than Sten. My companions were shifting nervously around us, although I didn't spare them any looks. I was too busy measuring penis lengths with Sten... and that put me at a HUGE disadvantage, or so I assumed, having never actually... assuming all things were proportionate... _don't go there now, brain!  
_  
Sten growled at me. "Not anymore. I am taking command."

"Just try it," I snarled. Crap! Was I going to have to...?

"Defend yourself, Warden. We will settle this," he said, drawing his greatsword.

Apparently yes, I was going to have to fight Sten now. Lovely.

I saw Alistair about to intervene but Zevran put a hand on his arm and restrained him.

I waited for Sten to attack and danced out of the way of that enormous sword swing, then I closed. Two-handed weapons are nearly useless if you're right in someone's face. We'd both been seeing each other fight for many weeks now so we each knew something about the other's style, but still until you've actually fought someone it is hard to know what they'll do. However, I just knew he'd try to slam his bulk into me and sure enough, that is what he tried to do, but I got out of the way again.

I could do this all day, but unfortunately so could he. He was massively strong and it took a lot to tire him out, even wearing the heavy armor he had. I did get around behind him and could have stabbed him, but I really didn't want to hurt him. I just need to show him I _could_ defeat him. So instead I jumped on his back and wrapped my arms around his throat, trying to either shut off the blood supply or the air. I wasn't picky. His throat was like a stone column, so large I couldn't put him into a proper choke hold, so I had to improvise.

It wasn't effective quickly, like it was with Ser Landry. He was gasping a bit, but he still had enough juice. He ran at a tree and then turned at the last minute and I took the brunt of the blow on my back.

"Oooof!" My grip held though. I wasn't going to let go for anything.

He repeated the maneuver, only he was starting to weaken and it wasn't quite so forceful. Still, my back was sore as hell from the first ramming and the second one made it worse. The third time, it was almost gentle, comparatively. Then he wheezed, staggered a few steps and fell to his knees. I slid off his back and drew my daggers. If he came at me again I was going to use them.

"I..." he coughed, "I was wrong. You are strong enough." He drew some painful breaths and rose to his feet, sheathing his greatsword, which he had held onto the entire time, amazingly enough. "What now?"

I glared at him. "That's up to you, Sten."

"Lead. I will follow." He actually hung his head momentarily and looked - dare I say it? - contrite.

I nodded at him. I sent a very pained look to Wynne and she sent healing magic at both of us. Blessed Wynne. I can't imagine even trying to resume climbing that mountain with what must have been a bruise covering my entire back.

"All right, let's go then," I snapped. Everyone started up again, or so I thought. Then I heard that pretty Orlesian accent say, "No, Elissa, if that's your real name. Not until you answer some questions."

I turned around and saw Leliana with her bow and an arrow nocked, aimed directly at me.

"Et tu, Brute?" I said. I actually liked Leliana and I thought she liked me too. What was this?

"I think you owe it to us to tell us who you really are. If we're going to follow you to what might be our deaths, we have a right to know, do we not?" She looked at Zevran and he nodded.

Zevran too? Alistair, Wynne and Morrigan all looked at me.

"She's Elissa Cousland," Alistair said, "what more do you want to know?"

Good old Alistair, still trying to fulfill Duncan's wishes to hide my identity.

Leliana laughed. "If she's Elissa Cousland, I'm Empress Celene. Elissa Cousland seems to have a very hard time remembering her past. She didn't even know how to write or spell properly. There is something very suspicious about her. I think she's a spy."

Wynne snorted. "If there's anyone that is a spy it is you, dear Leliana. Weren't you a bard in Orlais?"

Leliana shook her head angrily. "This is not about me, it is about her!"

Morrigan laughed. "Oh, tell them, Lucy. You're my mother's pet project and a pretty terrible actress, I must say."

"Shut up, Morrigan!" Alistair said, glowering at her. Wynne looked at her with daggers in her eyes.

"She took a nasty bump to the head," Wynne said. "She forgets things."

"Forgets things?" Leliana said. "I've read her journal, the life she describes is nothing like what is in that journal. The woman who wrote this journal is not her."

Morrigan just laughed harder and looked at me.

"You read her...my journal?" I squeaked indignantly. I set down my pack and rifled through it. Sure enough, the journal was missing.

"Yes, I suspected you were lying about your identity," Leliana said. "Give it up, Lissy, Lucy, Elissa... whoever the hell you are."

I looked at Alistair and shrugged.

"Okay, I'll come clean. I hated concealing the truth from you, but... well, it is pretty unbelievable. Why don't we have lunch while I explain. Put the bow down, it isn't necessary."

Leliana shrugged. "You've never given me any reason to believe you're dangerous, to me anyway." She put down her bow.

We ate lunch and I explained my very strange story and Morrigan, Alistair and Wynne all verified everything I said. Leliana and Zevran looked disbelieving at first, but eventually seemed to accept the story, especially after the other three insiders verified it. Sten looked only mildly interested. I had beaten him, so he was going to follow me regardless of who I really was. It made no difference to him.

"So, that's it," I said. "I don't like trying to pretend to be some spoiled, privileged noble woman, but Duncan realized it would be a disaster if I didn't pretend to be her. As little as I identify with her and her values, I have to pretend to be her in order to use my influence when necessary."

"Quelle tragédie!" Leliana exclaimed. "To be torn from your own world by an insane sorceress." Her eyes were shining with excitement. I think this story was going platinum in her mind. Perhaps she was already composing a ballad.

I took another bite out of an apple. "It isn't all that bad," I said, "I got a twenty-year old's body out of the deal. She's the one who got the bad part of the deal, in my opinion. All I have to do is end this Blight I walked into."

Zevran looked at me with new interest. "A mature woman in the body of a girl. The possibilities are intriguing," he said. He looked at Wynne. "What would you give for that opportunity?"

"Zev!" I said. "That's rude."

Wynne frowned at him. "No thank you, I remember all too well what it was like at that age."

"This Flemeth," Leliana said, "she is the one from the legends?" She looked at Morrigan.

Morrigan shrugged. "She says she is very old, but she refuses to be pinned down on such things."

I suddenly remembered something. I had stuffed a small journal, of sorts, into my backpack and had forgotten about it. I did remember Flemeth's name was on it. That was the only thing I could read as it was written in a language I didn't understand. I rummaged through my pack and dug it out.

"I forgot about this, Morri. I found it in the Circle Tower. I think it was your mom's."

Morrigan took it and examined it a moment. "This was my mother's." She smiled broadly. "Oh ho! The secrets I can learn from reading her grimoire."

"What is that?" I asked, unfamiliar with the term.

"A text describing how to cast spells. Look, she wrote it in ancient arcanum," Morrigan said, flipping through the pages.

"Can you read it?" I asked.

"Oh yes, Mother taught me several ancient languages, many of our books were written in those dead tongues."

"Are you going to give it back to her?" I asked.

Morrigan looked at me like I was crazy. "No. I'm keeping it for myself. Maybe I can learn how to send you back to your own world, Lucy."

I choked. "My body over there is dead. I've got no desire to be rejoined to it."

Morrigan laughed. "We'll find you a new body over there and switch you again."

Hmm, a super-model? That might be fun. "No, thanks. Making one such transition has been enough for one lifetime."

"Suit yourself, then. I thought you might want to get back to those... flush toilets." Morrigan went back to studying her mother's book.

"Lucy, you were brought here to save this world," Leliana said, her eyes sparkling. "Someone will have to chronicle your adventures."

"Only one problem with that, dear Leli, my real identity is a secret. I have to remain Elissa Cousland, to all but you all. At least until the Blight is over. After that, perhaps I can go somewhere and live my life as myself. Or at least, more myself. Besides, Flemeth assure me there's no guarantee I will succeed."

We finished up our lunch and I had to admit I felt a lot happier that my companions knew the truth. Alistair looked worried though. As we resumed our hike up the mountain he spoke to me.

"Are you sure we can trust them?" he asked. "What if Leliana really is a bard? Maybe she's a spy from Orlais. She might run off and spread this tale."

"Let's not worry about it now. Maybe she'll be perfectly loyal to us. I'd prefer to believe that." I squeezed his arm reassuringly, which is rather useless when someone is wearing plate mail.

I was about to talk to Alistair about approaching Loghain again but we came up the entrance to the village I assumed must be Haven. There was an armed guard standing in the road.

"Hail, and well met," I said, simply because I have always wanted to say that and never had the opportunity before.

"What are you doing in Haven?" the guard said. "There is nothing for you here."

Even though I was something of newbie in this world, I realized that small rural villages don't usual have surly guards posted to scare away passersby.

"Is it my imagination or did it suddenly get colder," Alistair said to me quietly.

"Haven?" I said, looking surprised. "I thought this was the village of Woodcrest?" I looked at the guard blankly.

"No," he growled. "I've never heard of Woodcrest."

"Damn that merchant who sold me this map!" I stomped the ground. "Well, since we're here would you tell us where the inn is? We won't stay long, but we could stand to rest and reprovision."

"There is no inn here. We don't get visitors."

"What? Never?" I asked.

"No," he said curtly. "You may go to the general store and buy supplies if you wish. But after that be on your way."

I nodded at the guard and we walked into the village.

Zevran chuckled as soon as we were out of earshot. "Ah, quiet insular communities. There's always something nasty going on behind closed doors. I hope it involves chains. I hope they ask me to join in."

We were looking around the village, trying to find the store, when we ran into a very strange child. He was playing with a human finger bone.

"You shouldn't be here," he said, but he was clearly interested in us.

"Hello young man," I said with my friendliest manner, hoping to convince him to spill the beans to us. "Do you live here?"

The little boy nodded placidly. "Of course. Everyone here lives here. Well, except for you. And sometimes others, but they ... go away."

I cocked my head, trying to look friendly and interested, and not at all creeped out. "Oh? Has anyone else been around in the last few weeks? An older man perhaps, kind of balding?"

The little boy looked about ready to blurt something out but then he stared at the finger bone he was holding. "No, bonny Lynne, I won't tell. No!" He stared in fear at the finger bone and then looked up at me and said, "Go away! Get out of here!"

He ran off, clutching the finger bone and leaving us all to look at one another.

"Weird kid," I said.

"Very," Alistair agreed.

We walked around the village and saw no one and eventually we came across the village store. Something smell off about the store. And when I say smelled, I was literal. There was a hint of... decaying flesh in the air. I had to suppress a bit of a gag reflex.

"What are you doing here?" the shopkeeper said, nervously.

"Why does everyone ask me that here?"

"Oh, we don't get many visitors here."

"Well no freakin' wonder, you people are rude," I said. "This place should be called Rudeville."

"Er, yes, sorry," the shopkeeper said. "Look, do you want to buy something? I'm busy."

I looked around the shop with no one but us in it. "Yes, I can see that. This place is downright bustling." I saw there was another room in the back and I made a small gesture to Zevran to check it out.

"What is that?" I pointed at something hanging from a wall that would make the shopkeeper look away.

"What is what?" he said.

"That... thing. No, to the left. Further down. Yes, that. What is that? We might need one of those." I was just trying to distract him while Zevran could check out the room.

"This?" he said, putting his hand on the... long, oblong thing that looked like it might have once been a sausage but now it was sadly covered with mold.

"Yeah, that."

"It's a sausage."

"A bit moldy isn't it?" I asked, stepping closer to look at it.

"Yes, but it's supposed to be that way. The mold preserves the meat."

I looked at Wynne and she nodded, so did Leliana. Well... I eat moldy cheese so perhaps it was fine.

"All right, how much?"

"30 silver," he said.

"30 silver for a moldy sausage? Are you mad?" I was simply haggling to distract him.

The shopkeeper looked offended. "Well, 20 silvers then and if you think you can find a better price within three days of here I invite you to try!"

Well, he did have a point. They probably had a monopoly on the moldy sausage market in the area. I grumbled. "Fine, we'll take your overpriced, moldy sausage. It just better be good."

Zevran came back and alerted me to his presence. "Take a look in the back room, that bad smell isn't coming from the sausage," he whispered.

The shopkeeper wrapped up the sausage and I stuck it into my pack. Food was food, my standards were pretty low these days.

"Um, mind if we just poke around a bit?" I asked.

"Yes, I do mind. Buy what you want and then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."

"But I'm rather curious about something... it smells like there's a corpse in here."

The shopkeeper shifted nervously. "Oh that," he laughed, "I think a rat died and crawled into the wall."

Great! Now I really wanted to eat the sausage. "I smell a rat, that's for sure," I said. "However, I think the rat is you." I turned to Sten. "Sten, make sure our shopkeeper minds the store."

"Warden?" he asked, clearly not getting my meaning.

"Don't let him move from there," I said.

"Why didn't you just say that?" he grumbled.

"Oy vey," I muttered. I walked to the room I had sent Zevran into.

"You can't go in there!" the shopkeeper yelled, trying to get past Sten. Sten hit him lightly on top of the head and he crumbled to the ground unconscious.

I flung open the door and the smell of corpse got a lot stronger.

"Eeyuch!" I tried to steel my stomach and walked into the room. There was a not very fresh corpse. It looked like a knight. Judging from armor, shield and tabard, it was one of the Redcliffe knights who were sent off to look for the urn. I turned around, back into the shop, and slammed the door shut ran outside to get fresh air. My stomach was too far gone and I went around the corner of the shop and vomited into the bushes.

I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Are you all right, Warden?" Zevran asked me.

I nodded, wiping off my mouth. Zevran handed me his water-skin and I took a drink to wash away the taste.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm not used to that smell."

He smiled at me grimly. "If you ask me, the darkspawn smell a lot worse."

"Really? I hadn't noticed that. I guess the taint in my blood..."

"Taint in your blood?" Zevran asked.

"Probably another Grey Warden secret I'm not supposed to mention. Can you just forget I said anything?"

"Of course," he replied, cheerfully.

I knew he was lying. Hell, these people knew my secrets, what was one more?

"I don't think I can go back in there. There were some chests and things in there. Could you..."

"I'll go empty them out. What should we do with the shopkeeper?"

"Um..."

There was a dead Redcliffe knight in his shop. He must have murdered him. Or knew he was murdered, of course. If we left him alive, he could warn others or kill other people who strayed into his shop. Probably if any of us had been alone, we would have suffered the same fate. We could question him and then... but I couldn't bear to go back in there with that smell. If we questioned him out here, someone might see us. Afterwards we would still have to...

"Warden?" Zevran said.

"Kill him," I said. My voice sounded cold, even to my own ears.

Zevran turned and walked back into the shop and I barfed into the bushes again.

_What was I becoming?_

_"_And get my 20 silver back," I called after him.


	24. Mutiny on the Mountain, Part 2

**_Mutiny on the Mountain, Continued_**

There was something about the way Alistair looked at me when he came out of the shop. He wasn't angry, he just looked confused, or perhaps a bit like he was unsure of me.

"You killed the shopkeeper," he said. "You free someone who makes a living killing people and you kill a shopkeeper." He shook his head at me, looking a little dazed.

I grunted at him. He wanted me to say something rational about my choices? I freed Zevran because... I felt sorry for him, and he seemed sincere. I killed the shopkeeper because he not only had the corpse of a Redcliffe knight in his backroom, but he had been rude. I didn't want to think about it too much.

Zevran handed me a sack stuffed with stuff and a handful of coins. I went through the pack to see what was in there and pulled out a fine looking pair of boots. They smelled like newish leather and looked quite new too.

"Would these fit you?" I gave them to Zevran.

"Hmmm. That smell... This is Antivan leather, isn't it? I would know it anywhere. Thank you!"

"Well, try them on!" I said.

"But I'm not done admiring them yet," he said, burying his nose into them. "Can you smell that? Like rotting flesh, just like back in Antiva City."

"I think that might be from the corpse we found."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk." He shook his head. "No, this is entirely different."

"I've always been partial to the smell of leather myself," I said, thinking of the way Bann Teagan smelled. Thinking of Teagan cheered me up a little.

"Leather, eh?" Zevran said with a low chuckle. "I'll have to remember that."

We were about to set out from the shop when a bunch of armed men charged us out of nowhere. There was a mage amongst them and he was trying to cast a spell when I smashed my elbow into his temple and he fell over. I drew my daggers and cut his throat.

The fight was over with quickly and as I was rifling through the corpses I noticed there was a strange tattoo on each of them, on the back of their necks.

"Leli, come look at this," I said. She seemed to have a lot of knowledge of random lore.

She bent over and looked at the tattoo. "That's odd. It looks a symbol of Andraste but with a dragon head on it."

"They all have this symbol on the back of their necks. Why?"

Leliana shrugged.

"A cult of some sort?" I gasped and remembered the book I had picked up and skimmed at Brother Genitivi's house. "A dragon cult?"

"They were supposedly all wiped out during the First Blight," Leliana said. "But perhaps they missed one? It might explain why they're so secretive and hidden here, no?"

"Could be!"

We resumed walking up the mountain. We didn't go too far before we heard chanting.

"Do you hear that?" Alistair said. "There's people in the chantry, the whole town maybe."

We walked up the path. I was wondering how safe it would be for us to walk into a large building full of cultists. I left part of the group outside to prevent anyone else from getting in and then four of us barged into the church service. I didn't suppose there was any use in being respectful and waiting until they were done.

"That's weird," Alistair hissed.

"What?"

"It's a man leading the service, like he's a priest or something. That's not allowed."

I marched up the center of the Chantry and the priest kept right on preaching, his cold blue eyes fell on me from time to time. He warned his congregation about the dangers of allowing outsiders in.

"Where's Brother Genitivi?" I asked.

He muttered something about a sacred duty and protecting Her and then I noticed that the priest was casting a spell and the villagers were circling us with weapons that I hadn't seen before.

I launched myself at the priest and tackled him to the ground. He got lucky and managed to hit me in the nose with an arm while flailing to try to get away.

"OW! Shit! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I yelled, my eyes filling with tears from the pain. My vision was blurred from the tears, but I could see he had a little knife in his hand and he was trying to jab me with it. I rolled under the table to get away from him. He stood up and turned to face me. I could see lightning gathering in his hands.

I was too far away to stop him and my companions were all looking elsewhere. I leapt up nonetheless determined to at least try to get to him. I was launching myself at him again when the lightning bolt struck me. It was probably like getting tasered. My body, flying through the air at him, began to spasm and shake and my muscles went completely rigid. I dropped my daggers, but I still managed to tackle the priest as my momentum carried me into him.

I couldn't move for a moment, but I could feel him struggling to get out from under me. He was just getting to his feet again and I could only move my legs, but I managed to trip him. I crawled over to him, painfully willing my limbs to move. I saw he was casting another spell. I got to him just in time and punched him in the jaw and it broke his concentration. He reached out with his hands and grabbed my throat and I did the same to him. I was just starting to black out when I felt his hands drop away. I wheezed and moaned with pain.

"What in Andraste's name was that?" Zevran asked. "It looked like a brawl between a pair of angry prostitutes."

Wynne dropped down on her knees next to me and looked at my nose, which was dripping blood.

"Oh, it looks broken. Here let me..." she put her hands on my nose and pinched and pulled and I yelled and blacked out.

When I woke up a few moments later everyone was staring at me, but I felt much better. My burns had been attended to and my nose felt fine. I reached out a hand to touch it and it felt normal.

"You still have your aristocratic, Cousland nose," Zevran said. "My goodness, you certainly have a low threshold for pain."

"He broke my damn nose! It hurt." My voice sounded a little whiny.

"In the Crows they teach us to endure pain. They put us on a rack and dislocate our shoulders and if we can't crack a joke while they're doing it, they kill us."

I looked at him with disbelief. "Right."

"I could teach you to tolerate pain better," Zevran said, a salacious grin on his face. "You might even enjoy it. In fact, I guarantee you would."

I actually blushed at that comment. Alistair helped me to my feet. I went to look for my daggers, completely embarrassed by being nearly defeated by an elderly priest who got lucky shot with a flailing arm. It made me think for a minute how defeating this Blight might be a long-shot after all.

We found Brother Genitivi hidden behind a secret wall and he got us into a ruined temple which we spent the rest of the day exploring and cleaning out pockets of cultists who seemed to object to our presence there.

That night we found a defensible spot, in case any roving bands of cultists came for us, and set up camp inside the temple. I handed the moldy sausage to Wynne and she peeled the mold off the outside, sniffed it carefully, cut off a piece and pronounced it delicious.

"I just hope it isn't soylent green," I grumbled. "That knight we found was rather dismembered."

My companions were curious about soylent green and I tried to describe the plot behind the movie but there were a number of things they had trouble comprehending, movies for one, manufacturing, greenhouse effect and pollution being another. Anyway, by the time we were all stuffing ourselves with sausage I got to the end of the movie plot and explained that soylent green was people. With my massive appetite this wasn't about to derail my enjoyment of the sausage, but some of my companions pushed away their portions.

I grinned and looked at Alistair. "More for us then, eh?" We divided up the uneaten sausage from our companions plates. It seemed that Alistair, like me, had wasn't about to let a little squeamishness stand in the way of a good supper.

Alistair was in a good mood tonight. I kept refilling his glass with wine we had found on our travels. He seemed to have a happy buzz going. I told him some not too off-color jokes and had him laughing. I am ashamed to admit I was manipulating him dreadfully.

"I think Duncan would be really proud of you right now," I said, smiling at him.

"You think so? Why?" Alistair said.

"Because you would do anything to stop the Blight. That was the sort of determination he tried to instill into his Wardens, right?"

"Self-sacrifice!" Alistair said. "Absolutely."

"What does that mean to you, Al?" I asked. "What is self-sacrifice?"

Alistair got a far-away look in his eyes. "It means being willing to die for a noble cause. Jumping down the throat of the archdemon himself, even if you die doing it."

"Really? Just death?" I said. "That seems like a rather easy definition of _self_-sacrifice." I poured a little more wine for Alistair.

"Easy? I don't know about that! I rather like being alive."

"What if it meant giving up something else, perhaps something you hold even dearer?" I prodded.

"Dearer than life? What could that be?" he asked.

"Oh, lots of things! Can't you imagine something you might cherish more than your own life? What if you had a child? Or a wife?"

He nodded. "Oh right. So giving up their lives would be... that's horrible, Lissy."

"Oh, no doubt. But can you imagine if Duncan were faced with rescuing his wife or child, or both, versus saving the world from the archdemon. What would he do?" I asked, watching his face closely.

"I think he would do both and succeed at them both!" Alistair said, unwilling to tackle the question I had posed.

"That's cheating, Al. The question was if he had a choice, which would he pick?"

"I suppose he'd save the world from the archdemon and he'd sacrifice his family."

"By extension, wouldn't he sacrifice all the Grey Wardens for that goal?" I said.

"Of course, we know that one way or another we're probably going to die to darkspawn. If not during the Blight then during our Calling."

"See! He would be proud of you for acknowledging that," I said. I hoped Alistair was too tipsy to see where I was going with this. I clinked my glass against his and smiled at him.

"What would you be willing to give up to rid us of this Blight?" I asked.

"Everything! Of course."

"Everything?"

He looked at me. "Of course. Wouldn't you?"

I nodded. "Yes, I would. It might be easier for me though. I don't have the history and deep attachments you have here."

"You told me Duncan encouraged you to sleep with the King. Would you really do that?"

"Back then, I was too new to truly understand what was at stake and I thought I was insane. But yes, if I had to I would do it, even if it destroyed my relationship with Bendrick, were he alive. I've seen too much of the archdemon in my dreams to be able to deny how important this is." I bit at a hangnail and watched Alistair.

"What about you, Al?"

"Would I sleep with the King?" he asked, laughing. "He was my brother, that's just... gross."

I laughed with him. "I forgot about that. No, I meant what would you give up? Some concept you hold dear: Honor? Justice? Vengeance?" I circled around, closing in for the kill.

"Yes, if I had to," he said.

I mentally heard a click, of a trap closing on an unsuspecting leg.

"What if you had to give up your hatred and anger?" I asked.

Alistair looked at me with a startled expression. "Hatred and anger? Of whom?"

"Loghain," I said. "What if ending the Blight meant you had to work with Loghain. Could you make that sacrifice?"

He got to his feet and strode off a distance. I decided to let him have the space he needed to think about it. I knew I was challenging Alistair's very core beliefs about himself and the world. I could just imagine if I were the real Elissa Cousland and I were asked to give up my hatred of Arl Howe and work with him.

Yeah... jumping down the throat of the archdemon would probably be easier.

I joined the others around the fire we had built, not participating much but preferring to let their voices wash over me and lose myself in contemplation of the fire. I almost jumped out of my skin when a pair of hands began to massage my neck.

"Oh!" I said, looking behind me to see Zevran.

"Sorry, my dear, you were looking a little tense, I thought I could help with that."

I smiled at him. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

"What is on your mind that has you so tense?" he asked, his hands working on the knots in my neck, my leather cuirass I was still wearing was way too thick to work with.

"I'm just contemplating a means to get everyone working together and end the possibility of civil war. But it means putting aside old enmities and working with the enemy. Not something easily done."

"True," Zevran said. "But this is something that happens all the time in Antiva. Your worst enemy becomes your most important ally. A new job changes everything. Who is it that you intend to ally with? Is it that Arl Howe fellow? Or perhaps Loghain?"

"Loghain. Arl Howe is too crazy, I doubt he has many allies. Loghain however does, except those that feel he betrayed the King. However, if we came out in support of Loghain, explained how things went at Ostagar, we could probably satisfy the doubters. Then we could get everyone working together on the Blight."

It felt good explaining this to Zevran. He and I were probably some of the most neutral people involved. I thought I could get an impartial, less judgmental response from him than almost anyone else.

"Ah! So you have something he needs, your affirmation that leaving the battlefield was tactically sound, if somewhat tragic. He has something you need, an army and resources for defeating the Blight. It sounds like a match made in heaven."

"Except he hates Grey Wardens in general, and possibly me in particular. Maybe not... it's hard to say. He's got to be the grumpiest man I've ever met. He might actually like me. How do you tell with someone so impossibly truculent?"

Zevran pondered a moment. "It sounds like you should seduce him."

"What?" I asked, caught off-guard.

"That's what I'd do if it were me. Fastest way to change an opponents opinion of you. Far easier than trying to earn their respect or win a debate."

"Then perhaps you could..."

"No, I don't think so, my dear. He didn't seem like the type who would be interested in what I have to offer. You, however, a beautiful, deadly warrior goddess... Given the stories that abound about him, you'd be just his type."

I swallowed hard. "Seduce Loghain? I don't think I could... what do I know of such things?"

Zevran chuckled. "You lived to be as old as you claim to be and you never seduced anyone? Are you sure? I saw how your handsome Bann follows you around like a puppy."

"Well, there was always mutual interest. I wouldn't even know where to start with someone who was an enemy and perhaps uninterested. Teagan... I didn't seduce him. It just happened. He had a history with the prior resident of this body."

"Hmmm... well, I have managed to pick up a thing or two with the Crows," Zevran said, modestly. "Skills in seduction are taught to us and I think I rather excel at them. I could teach you a thing or two."

"Seduce Loghain?" I said, mulling the thought over. If my strategic offer wasn't enough to win him over, perhaps I could sweeten the deal, as it were. It sounded rather terrifying really. I could just imagine bumbling my lines and making a laughingstock out of myself with the attempt. Still, I had just been telling Alistair I'd do anything to end the Blight.

"I have a feeling that seducing Loghain might be a bit like trying to seduce that pillar over there: Impossible."

"Tsk, tsk, mia bella, you underestimate your appeal. What man could resist that mane of unruly red hair and those dark brown eyes, packaged in a perfectly, formed youthful body, with the mind of an intelligent, experienced woman? Loghain will melt like putty in your hands."

I laughed. "Did you actually meet him? He's cold, sour and hard as granite."

"That just means he's a challenge, not impossible. You just need a few pointers, mia cara. I will teach you."

"Hmmm, I never imagined I was going to grow-up to become a geisha. All right, I'm willing to listen to any pointers you have."

Zevran smiled broadly and I wondered if I was perhaps furthering an agenda of his own. "Very well, let's start with some role-playing. I will be Loghain and you will be... you."

~o~o~o~

"I have a proposal, Ser." I walked up to Loghain, my hips swaying a bit. "I think we could..." my eyes swept up and down his body, "help one another. You have what I want. I have what you need," I said, my eyes never leaving his as I crowded into his personal space.

"No, no, no, mia cara," Zevran said. "This will never work. On me, yes, but not on Loghain. Too seductive, too obvious. You need to challenge Loghain for dominance. Like when Sten challenged you."

Okay, tough chick. Alpha-bitch, sure... no problem. _Gulp_.

I changed my stance. I was prepared to fight, not make love. "Loghain, you're going to lose this country without my help. The civil war is going to drain your resources and you'll be incapable of dealing with the real threat."

Zevran, trying his best to portray Loghain, invaded my personal space, trying to look intimidating.

"You," he sneered, "what can you possibly offer me?" He grasped my wrist and pulled me closer to him. "Why shouldn't I have you thrown into prison right now." His eyes narrowed.

I was suddenly reminded of the tango. A dance where the partners seem equal parts angry, yet drawn together sensually. I remembered seeing those hot looks tango dancers give each other, like sparks are flying from their eyes. I tried for tango-eyes.

"Because I can stop the civil war," I said. I did a simple maneuver and freed my wrist from his grasp.

"You?" Zevran laughed. "You Grey Wardens are the cause of all this. I should just kill you right here." He reached with his hand and grasped my throat."

I peeled his hand off my throat, by his little finger, and folded his arm behind him, in an arm lock, and bent it until he fell to his knees. Zevran growled at me. I bent over him, my mouth inches from his ear.

"I can calm the suspicions that you retreated from the battlefield in order to let Cailan die. I will tell everyone that we were late to light the signal, as we were, and why, of course." I shoved my boot against his back, and let go of his arm, he had to put out an arm to catch himself. He got up from his knees and rubbed his shoulder.

"That's better, much better. He would respect your strength," Zevran said.

"Wouldn't he resent being bested by a woman?" I asked.

"Perhaps, but you'll need to soothe his ego later. Pay him a compliment or two. When you've got his agreement, then propose you have a drink on it. Then you can flirt with him, subtly. Give it a try."

I slipped back into my role. "I'm gratified you see it that way, Loghain," I said, smiling a little. "Shall we drink to our accord?" I poured a pretend drink for myself and Zevran. We clinked glasses, or pretended to, and I kept my eyes on his while we drank.

"Ferelden needs a strong general," I said. "The country needs you, Loghain. But the country also needs to be unified against the Blight, and the Grey Wardens are needed to defeat the archdemon."

I moved in closer, challenging him with my eyes and pretended to take his glass from him and set it down. Then I reached out and trailed my hand along his cheekbone. I was truly seeing Loghain in front of me. Proud and defiant, unyielding and unbending. My hand curved around the back of his neck and my fingers grasped him and I half pulled and half met him in the middle, for a kiss.

He returned my kiss and wrapped his arms around me. It took me a moment to recollect that this wasn't Loghain, it was Zevran. I flushed and pulled away.

"How did I do?" I asked, clearing my throat.

"He doesn't stand a chance," Zevran said, smiling at me. "You know, you'd make a formidable Crow, with a little training."

"I still say this is impossible," I sighed. "But I will try it."

~o~o~o~

We finally made our way out of the ruined temple and through the caverns and saw the High Dragon that Father Kolgrim had called Andraste. I fingered the horn that would supposedly summon her, probably for a nice, virginal sacrificial dinner. We could kill it. But if we failed, what chance would Ferelden have against the Blight? No, I wasn't going to risk it. After the Blight was defeated, we could deal with it, if we needed to.

We crossed the top of the mountain to another temple, this one looking in much better condition than the last one. At the entrance we were greeted by a kindly man who introduced himself as the Guardian. He claimed he was a disciple of Andraste's and he had been standing guard here for centuries.

I wondered if he would ask me to bring him a shrubbery, but instead he asked me a question.

"Lucy, do you feel any regrets over having displaced Elissa Cousland and her subsequent death?"

I sighed and blinked slowly. "I am sorry for her, of course, but how can I regret something I had no control over."

He asked each companion a similar question in return. Morrigan wisely refused to answer. Zevran cut him off before he could finish the question. It was a rather depressing interview, all of our saddest, worst moments paraded before us.

"Well, if we're done with that, we'll just be going on," I said.

"Wait, only four of you may proceed," he said.

"Oh?" I said. "Why is that?"

"The rules state, only four shall proceed through the Gauntlet."

"The rules, eh?" I laughed. "Fine, Zevran, Wynne, Al and myself will go."

We walked into the next room and I was stopped by... myself. My _real_ self, the one I had left behind on another planet with another soul occupying... me. I stood there with my mouth gaping open.

"Um, everyone, meet... Lucy Woodridge," I said.

My real self laughed. "Elissa Cousland, actually. You are, of course, Lucy Woodridge."

"Yes... are you real?" I asked, trying to touch her but my finger went through her. "Did you feed my cat?"

"I died and you ask me if I fed your cat? How incredibly insensitive."

"I'm sorry... I didn't steal your body, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know." She fumbled in a pocket of the furry robe she was wearing, it was my favorite, very warm in the winter. She had on my fuzzy slippers too. "Here," she thrust her hand out at me, "I'm supposed to give you this." She dropped an amulet into my hand. "For luck, or something."

"Oh, um, thanks. And, I'm really sorry about what happened to you."

"Eh, it wasn't your fault." She waved a hand and disappeared.

I was left holding the amulet and gasping in disbelief. "Okay, that was unsettling."

We crossed through a few more rooms, having to answer riddles or solve puzzles, including walking naked through fire in the last room. I couldn't help but check out Zevran and Alistair, I'm sure they did the same. I was... impressed, to say the least, with both of them. When I walked up the stairway to the urn at the top, I wondered if Andraste would mind if I was vaguely sexually aroused.

"I didn't think anyone could find Andraste's final resting place... but here She is," Alistair said, awe evident in his voice.

"So this must be it, huh?" I lifted the top of the urn and sure enough there were ashes in there. I could just imagine being seized with a sneezing fit right then and blowing the ashes all over the place. That thought nearly started a giggling fit. I really didn't do well with reverence.

"Am I supposed to just reach in and take some?" I asked, not knowing the protocol for taking miraculous holy relics. I looked around at my companions, they offered no advice. So I dug out a little unused leather bag from my pack and scooped up some ashes and poured them in. I hoped it was enough.

"Nice vase," Zevran said, "I should get one for my house."

I really wanted to giggle, but I repressed the urge because Wynne and Alistair were obviously moved by the moment.

"Well, I think we have what we came for. Let's go see if this actually works," I said.

We collected our companions and headed back for what passes for civilization in this country.


	25. The Redcliffe Castle Book Club

**Note: **_I rewrote the scene with Alistair and Lucy in the library. Someone felt it was too out-of-character for Alistair to be so sexually aggressive and I had to agree. This works out a bit better, I think. It gets to the root of the issue with Alistair and Lucy. Alistair has a passive-aggressive moment that Lucy has to disarm._

~o~o~o~

**The Redcliffe Castle Book Club  
**

On the trip back to Redcliffe Morrigan and Wynne both tutored me. I finally learned a few healing spells, minor ones to be sure, but I'd never suffer from my period again. Morrigan began to teach me another animal form.

"What animal form do you want to learn next?" she asked.

"A bird!" I chirped. "I want to fly."

"A bird is a sensible choice. What sort of bird?"

"How about an owl?" I said. "They can fly at night, a good time for reconnaissance missions, and they don't have many predators."

"An owl is good but they're hard to find, you'll have difficulty practicing while you learn."

I pouted a moment. I really wanted to be an owl. "So, I should be a more common bird?" I looked around and saw starlings and sparrows all over the place. They were rather low on the food chain, I wished to avoid them. Then my gaze settled on Zevran."

"What about a crow?" I asked.

He looked over at me and laughed. "Good choice!"

"You mean a raven?" Morrigan asked. "They're the big black birds we have in this area."

I nodded. "That'll do."

"That happens to be a very good choice as I know that form myself. You can study me."

She transformed and flew up to my shoulder then slid down my arm. I held her out and looked at her very closely. She opened up a wing and showed me her feathers. I nodded and she turned and showed me her tail, spreading the feathers out. Then she looked at me, flashing her yellow eyes at me, telling me, I think, to take note of her head. She pecked me with her beak and held up her claws for me to inspect.

"Let me hear your voice," I asked her.

She cawed, cackled and made a variety of noises.

"Hmmm, an improvement in her voice, I must say," Alistair said, cheekily.

Morrigan flew up from my arm and dive-bombed at his head, pulling his hair with her talons.

"Ouch!" he cried, flapping his arms at her.

She flew over one last time and let loose with a dropping. It splattered onto his shoulder. I couldn't help but laugh. I picked up a big leaf and scrapped it off Alistair's shoulder.

"Didn't anyone warn you against angering mages, Alistair?" I said, smiling merrily at him.

"Hmmm, it was what I was training to do."

Morrigan transformed back to herself. "Are you ready to try it?" she asked. "I'll help you."

I nodded. I began to cast the spell and she helped me shape it properly. I felt myself shrink impossibly small.

The first thing I noticed was my vision. I could see almost 360 degrees around me, although if I wanted to see something well I had to point an eye at it. It was remarkable. I tried to walk on the ground, lifting my feet like a human would. Zevran started to laugh and Alistair joined him.

"Hop, Lucy," Morrigan said.

I tried it. Giving a little hop. That worked a lot better.

Morrigan put her arm down. "Hop up here," she said.

I gave a big hop and flapped my wings and got enough lift to leap onto her arm. I used my beak to steady myself. I squawked with excitement. This was fun, but rather confusing.

"Spread your wings," Morrigan said.

I did. I could feel the little breeze almost promising to lift me into the air. I had an urge to try it, but I knew wasn't ready to fledge yet. Morrigan gave me more orders and I carried them out. Then she put me down and told me to transform back.

We worked together all that day on the road and I was shifting back and forth. Before too long she wasn't even helping me and I was managing to get a decent looking raven on my own.

Then I shifted back and I stumbled and fell. I felt light-headed and fatigued.

"Lucy, are you all right?" Zevran asked, he caught me with an arm and kept me from stumbling.

"I feel... strange."

Morrigan smiled. "You're out of mana. You need a lyrium potion. You should probably start carrying them for yourself." She rummaged through her pack and found one for me. "Here you go. Drink it down."

I pulled the cork off and drank it. It tasted like... minerals. I felt better immediately. In fact, I felt better than better! I felt great!

"Oh wow!" I said. Little sparks started flying off my fingers, completely unbidden. My hair started to snake around my head, sparks flying from it. "This is awesome!"

"Lucy! You're leaking magic," Alistair said. "You're like a magical beacon. You're going to draw any templars to us like a magnet."

"I can't stop it," I said, not even wanting to.

Wynne looked at me in alarm. "Morrigan, didn't you teach her how to dampen her magic down?"

She shook her head. "No, she didn't need it. She has wonderful control."

"This is exactly why mages should be trained in the Tower," Wynne said.

I didn't see what the fuss was about. This was utterly awesome. I felt like I could do anything. I was thinking of creating fireworks on the palm of my hand when I felt Alistair's hand gripping my shoulder and a white light surrounded me. I staggered a moment, feeling that immense power draining off me. Suddenly I felt normal again. I looked at Alistair and blinked.

"That was strange," I said. "I felt like I could do almost anything."

Wynne looked very concerned. "I've never seen anyone respond to lyrium like that."

"She seems to be rather sensitive to it," Morrigan said.

"It felt amazing," I said. "Can I have some more?" I asked, knowing it would be really unwise. Still, that rush was awesome.

"No! Absolutely not." Alistair shook his head. "Templars get addicted to that, you know? Eventually it drives you mad."

"You shouldn't have any more until you can learn to stop leaking magic," Wynne said.

"What would happen if I cast a spell while I was like that? I felt, immensely powerful."

"The magic would get away from you and probably shred the Veil," Wynne said.

Morrigan shrugged. "I don't know, it's possible you could misjudge the size of the effect and you might cause harm to yourself and others."

I frowned. _Bummer._ I remembered that Morrigan said once that lyrium had other uses.

"Morri, you said lyrium has other uses. What else can you do with it?" I asked.

Morrigan coughed. "Later, Lucy."

"You're _not_ going to tell her about _that_, are you?" Wynne pursed her lips and glared at Morrigan.

"Oh, why not? She'll find out sooner or later."

Zevran looked at Morrigan, his brow arching. "Oh, really?" he said.

"Oh, really?" I said. I looked over at Alistair. "Is this something you know about? Templars use a lot of it don't they?"

Alistair blushed. "I suspect this is something templars know nothing about," he said.

I walked along imagining just what the heck Morrigan wasn't telling me and was about to go pester her until she told me, but Wynne fastened herself to my side.

"It's time you learned how control your magic better," she said.

I shrugged. "Okay, Wynne," I said.

Wynne started to teach me how to clamp down on it and restrain it. It wasn't very interesting or entertaining, but I supposed that it was necessary to have that sort of control in order to do the sorts of things Bendrick did when we made love. That kept my interest up. It helped pass the hours of tedious walking.

~o~o~o~

At Castle Redcliffe Teagan ran down the stairs as we came through the portcullis.

"What news, Wardens?" he asked, running to my side and grabbing my hand for a kiss.

"The mission was a success, we got the ashes. Whether they work or not, I have no idea," I said.

"You really found her final resting place?" he said, reverentially. "What was it like?"

I started to describe the trip to him, but we got inside and Isolde was there to greet us. She was biting her knuckles.

"Did you find the ashes?" she asked.

"We did, Lady Isolde," Alistair said.

"Thank the Maker! Blessed be his bride, Andraste!" She fell to her knees and sobbed.

"Aw, there, there, Isolde," I said, figuring I should deal with her to spare Alistair the horror. I put a hand on her shoulder. "Come now, let's get these to your husband and see if they work."

She sobbed, and nodded tearfully. I helped her to her feet. We went straight away to Arl Eamon's bedroom.

Suddenly I wished we could experiment just a bit. What if we gave Eamon a placebo? I suppose in order to really test the ashes we'd need to have two guys in a coma. We could give one the ashes of Andraste, the other one we could give some random human ashes. I could write a paper and get it published in _The Journal of Ferelden Miracle Association. _I'd call it, _"Andraste's Ashes: Cure or Quackery_? _A Random, Double-Blind Clinical Trial_".

Wynne prepared some sort of tonic and had me put just a small pinch of ashes into it. I noticed there was a quite a bit leftover. Hey, if it worked, we might be able to use them later! I wondered why I didn't just take the whole damn urn with me. Maybe we could cure the darkspawn of whatever ickiness was afflicting them.

Teagan propped up Eamon so he wouldn't choke on the tonic and Wynne poured some into his mouth. Fortunately his swallow reflex was intact and he did swallow it. She poured a little at a time into his mouth until all the tonic was gone.

"Let's give it some time," she said.

"Teagan, can we talk privately?" I asked him quietly.

"Of course," he said. "Let me show you to your room." He took the packs I was carrying and insisted on carrying them for me. It was a sweet gesture, although I was rather used to the burden after weeks of walking with them on me.

"What is it, Lucy?" he asked me, setting down the packs in my room. He came over to me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed me gently. "I missed you," he said.

I smiled, but pulled away from him and went to stand at the window looking out over Lake Calenhad.

"I've been honest with you when I told you I didn't know if there would be a future for us, Teagan. It's not something I really even want to think about now with everything happening. I don't want to mislead you into thinking anything else."

He came up to put his arms around me. "I know, you warned me. I can't help my feelings, but I know they're not returned."

"I can't toy with your affections like that, Teagan. It isn't fair to you. I can't guarantee I'm going to be only... with you." I knew damn well I wouldn't be, if my plan worked out.

He sighed. "We're not married," he said, "I can't extract such promises out of you with our current understanding."

I smiled, feeling somewhat relieved of the guilt I had been piling on myself in anticipation of what I intended with Loghain.

"That makes me feel better," I said. I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Now, tell me, what is it that is on your mind," he insisted.

"I'm going to seduce Loghain," I said. "To get him to listen to us and agree to our plan."

"Loghain?" he said, pulling away a little from me.

"I promised I would do anything to stop the Blight. This seems like nothing compared to what sacrifices others have made. Or what we may need to do in the future. You agreed with me that stopping the civil war should be a priority, didn't you?"

"But, is this really necessary? Won't your plan have enough merit to get his agreement?"

"I hope so, but enmities die slowly. A good old-fashioned seduction might be required to get him to really listen. If not, great, but I'm prepared to do what I must."

"Hmmm," he said, his skepticism apparent.

"Keep your focus on the goal, Teagan. It makes it easier to accept," I said. "Besides, there's no guarantee I'll succeed. I've never met anyone who appeared so immune to such things."

Teagan laughed. "True. I almost hope you do fail."

I shivered. "Don't say that. The alternative is ugly. Civil war, overthrowing the current government... maybe being unable to rally in time to deal with the Blight."

"Well, when you put it like that, it sounds rather selfish of me to want to keep you to myself."

"Sex is a tool of diplomacy, or at least it was at one time on my world. I'm sure a lot of women were traded in marriage, or other arrangements, to cement alliances or end wars."

"True," he said. "Can I ask one thing?"

"Of course," I said.

"Just be mine when you're here with me. What happens _out there_, when you're away, I don't need to know."

I looked at him in surprise, not expecting it at all. "All right," I smiled at him. "Then I'm yours right now, and after all that walking and fighting, I'm a very dirty, dirty girl."

His face lit up. "Then you shall have a bath," he said.

"I'd like that, my lord."

I thought perhaps Zevran was right, I was better at seduction than I gave myself credit for. Teagan seemed to forget all about my plan to seduce a man he hated.

~o~o~o~

"Can you work on getting your brother to support Loghain?" I asked later, as we were lying in bed together, recovering from my _bath_.

"I can try, but there are no guarantees I can win him over."

"He knows nothing of Ostagar or what has happened since. If we explain why Loghain called a retreat, perhaps he will understand. If not, I'm counting on you to explain the consequences of a civil war. Tell him a succession can be worked out after the Blight is dealt with, but what we need now is strong military leadership and Loghain can provide that."

Teagan nodded. "I will. I think he will see reason once he's had time to digest everything."

I snuggled into Teagan's chest. "Good," I murmured, sleepily. It was nice being back at Redcliffe, nestled in Teagan's arms. Everything else seemed far away and less important. I could let go and drift away.

~o~o~o~

There was a banging on the door and Teagan was shaking me awake. I focused my eyes and wrapped a robe around me. I cracked open the door and peeked out. Isolde was standing there, wringing her hands.

"Is everything all right?" I asked her.

"I can't find Teagan anywhere, I've been looking all over for him," she said. "Eamon is stirring."

"Oh! That's great news! I'm sure you'll find Teagan. If I see him, I'll let him know. I know he will want to be there."

Isolde's eyes took on a cold look. "May I come in, Lady Cousland?" she asked. "I feel I owe you my thanks and an apology."

"Oh," I laughed nervously, "now's not a good time. I just got out of the bath and I have dirty clothes everywhere. Perhaps in fifteen minutes?"

"Don't be silly, Elissa, we're both women, there's no need to be..." she shoved open the door and took a step in, "...modest." Her eyes immediately went to my bed and she saw Teagan propped up on his elbow, covered to his waist in blankets, but otherwise bare.

"Teagaaaan!" she howled. "You! In your brother's own home! You sleep with this filthy tramp?" She turned to me, her eyes filled with rage. "You slut!" Her hand lashed out to slap me but my own came up and blocked her. "Carrying on in my home! Fornicating with my brother-in-law, while my husband lies in a coma!"

"Um," I said, not at all certain how to respond. Why did my relationship with her brother-in-law bother her so much? This seemed... unhealthy.

"Sorry?" I said, weakly, wishing I could go hide in a closet.

"Isolde! Calm yourself," Teagan said, his voice stern. He got out of bed, wrapping a sheet around his waist. "Is that any way to act towards the woman who saved your husband and your son and risked her own life many times for all of us?"

Isolde began to cry and gave one last despairing look at Teagan and ran out of the room.

I turned to look in amazement at him. "What was that about?"

He sighed. "Jealousy, I'm afraid. Remember when Connor said something about you being half Isolde's years and prettier?"

I nodded.

"He also said he was surprised she didn't order you executed in a fit of jealousy. That wasn't entirely without basis." Teagan sighed. "Isolde is used to being the center of attention. I'm afraid the stress of recent events might have actually unhinged her."

"Are you sure she isn't jealous that we're together? Perhaps she has feelings for you, Teagan."

He sighed. "I prefer not to think about that."

I laughed. "I can understand that. Well, it sounds like your brother is waking up. Let's get dressed."

~o~o~o~

We gathered at Eamon's bedside. Isolde's eyes were red-rimmed and she looked like she would stab me if she had a knife. Teagan responded to her glares by wrapping an arm protectively around my shoulder and shaking his head at her. Alistair took in the silent melodrama and looked at me with wondering eyes. I smiled and shrugged.

Eamon woke but he wasn't strong enough to listen to what we had to tell him so we left him to recuperate a few days.

I sought out Alistair that evening before dinner to discuss our next steps. I found him in the library, alone fortunately.

"Did you think about what we talked about in the temple?" I asked him.

"Yes," he said, his face looking inscrutable.

"Can you work with Loghain?"

"What if I said, 'no'. Would it even matter?"

"It would matter, very much, to me, to the cause, to Ferelden, perhaps even the rest of the world."

"What about to Duncan, Cailan, and all the dead wardens?" he said angrily.

"They're dead, Alistair. They're beyond caring. If we don't handle this sensibly a whole lot of other people are going to be dying. Duncan and Cailan were willing to make the sacrifice, don't let the rest of the nation be sacrificed for your anger and sense of justice."

"You don't even know if this will work, Lissy," he said, folding his arms and glaring at me.

"I don't know a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I won't try them."

"Why bother asking me," he said, bitterly. "You know you're going to do this."

My heart ached at the bitterness in his voice. "Because you're my brother warden and my partner in this. I care about you."

He laughed, it sounded hollow and bitter. "You care about me? You have no idea about me, Lucy. You don't know how I feel, being told I'm too young, too inexperienced. You think I'm a child. You don't take my feelings seriously. That's why I know you'll end up doing what you want no matter what I think."

I frowned. "I know I've been insensitive at times. But damn it, Alistair, don't accuse me of not caring! The reason I'm here right now, trying to get your approval, is because I do care." What was he doing? The only time I'd told him he was too young was when he had expressed romantic interest in me. He is too young for my romantic tastes. Was he withholding his approval because I didn't return his romantic feelings?

"Al..." I didn't know how to say this, but I'm a blunt old lady - I'd given up long ago on mincing words because meaning becomes lost when it takes a circuitous route. "Are you withholding your approval because there's something you want from me that I haven't given you?"

"What? No! What do you mean?" he sputtered, turning pink. I knew I'd hit close to home.

"When I ask for your agreement to proceed you withhold it, without really stating why. If there is a logical reason why working with Loghain to avoid a civil war is not the best way to end the Blight, I need to know and you need to tell me. But if we're getting our emotions wrapped around our decision making we're going to make some pretty horrible decisions. We need to think clearly about this." I reached out and touched his arm. "I know this is tough. I'm here for you, to talk about your feelings any time you want to, no matter what they are. But right now, I'm asking you to put aside whatever emotions you're feeling and look at the question with new eyes. Is working with Loghain the best way to end the Blight?"

He sagged, leaning against a bookshelf. "You make it sound so easy. How can you separate out your emotions from everything else? Don't they guide us and tell us how to act, give our actions meaning and morality?"

I frowned a little. People trust their emotions more than anything. Emotions deserve plenty of skepticism. "They can, sometimes. But how effective would a general on a battlefield be if he were overwhelmed with emotions about the soldiers under his command? They've got to make decisions that send people to their deaths all the time, perhaps even friends. If they were guided by their emotions at such times it would destroy their ability to do what they do. This is a strategic decision for us, just like for a general, where the consequences could mean thousands of lives. That's why we owe it to everyone to do this without emotions coloring our decision."

He nodded reluctantly. "I suppose you're right." He sighed with frustration.

"Can we talk about what to do next?" I asked him. "If you're feeling up to it."

"Yeah," he said.

We sat together on the little sofa by the fire. I kept my hand on his. He just really seemed to crave human contact.

"I want to go to Denerim and talk to Loghain next. Zevran can sell me to the royal stables. Loghain loves horses, so sooner or later he'll want a ride on the new horse. I'll use that as an opportunity to talk to him. I'll kidnap him if necessary."

"Um, isn't that going to make it hard to convince him you're Elissa Cousland?"

"Perhaps I should tell him the whole story," I said.

"He's going to think you're nuts."

"Yeah, that's true. But I'll be able to prove at least part of it, that I'm a mage."

"That might not win you any points in your favor," he said.

"Maybe he's not so anti-mage. He seemed to show appreciation for mages at Ostagar."

"And what if he tries to kill you?" Alistair said.

"I'll be ready for that possibility. If I can't get him to listen we will get Eamon to help us force a regime change. We can probably convince people that he did betray the King and the Grey Wardens at Ostagar. Our support has to mean something. People saw how huge the horde was there. But it might take time and the country will fall into civil war first, I think. Convincing Loghain is the best way, I'm sure." I purposefully withheld what Zevran and I had discussed.

"So back to Denerim next?" Alistair said.

"I'd like to. Is that okay with you?" I asked.

He nodded. "While we're there... well, my sister lives there. Can we look her up?"

"Of course!"

We chatted for awhile about his sister and other things. I knew I really had to spend more time with Alistair. I was probably the closest thing he had to family and it was obvious he was really craving closeness. I decided to ask Teagan if he knew any girls that might be suitable for Alistair.

~o~o~o~

Teagan hosted another nice dinner for us, celebrating Eamon's improvement. I dressed up the gown he'd had made for me. It was nearly worth not being able to draw a complete breath to see Isolde's reaction. I think perhaps of all the people who wanted me dead, she might be the one who wanted me dead the most. I was rather glad we probably wouldn't be staying at Redcliffe long enough for her to poison me.

Teagan had invited Kaitlyn, the young woman we met in the Chantry when we fought the zombie apocalypse, to dinner. She was in almost every way a perfect choice for Alistair, except she was a little on the shy side. I worked hard to break the ice between them and get a conversation going. Leliana caught onto my game, as did Teagan, and before the end of the evening they were both chatting freely and Alistair was blushing, always a good sign.

Teagan invited her to spend a few days at the castle. It would be good to give Alistair an opportunity to get to know her better.

I spent that night in Teagan's room for the first time. There was something very erotic about it. Maybe it was just because the entire room smelled like him. It was deliciously genteel, and yet masculine. I thumbed through his bookshelf looking at the titles. Lots of history books, several about the end of the Orlesian occupation.

"Can I borrow one of these?" I asked. "I suppose I should know more about that."

He peered over my shoulder, an arm wrapped around my waist. "The one next to it is the better book," he suggested. I picked it up and opened it while he nibbled on my neck.

"Are there any other books you'd recommend?" I asked.

I could feel him smiling, with his mouth against my neck. "Just one," he said disentangling himself from me for a moment. He pulled out a very large tome, behind which was a false back to the bookshelf. He pressed on it and it sprung open. He reached in and pulled out another, very worn book and handed it to me.

"What on earth?" I said. "Why do you hide your books?" I looked at the title and realization dawned on me: _The Illustrated Guide to Passionate Love_. Teagan had a porn stash! I started laughing helplessly. "Okay, I get it. Isolde surely would have a fit if she found it. Or she might want to try out page seventy-two with you?"

"Maker help me, Lucy, I don't need that image in my head."

I thumbed through the book. There was nothing there I hadn't seen and, in some cases, done.

"Pick a page, my lord. Let's be adventurous," I suggested.

Teagan sighed. "You truly are the woman of my dreams, Lucy. I think page sixty-nine would be amusing don't you?"

I opened the book and looked at page sixty-nine and wondered if it was just a coincidence.

"Amusing indeed! And then what?"

"You pick a page, my lady," he said.

"No, I think not," I said. I bit his earlobe gently. "Tonight I want you to pick whatever meets your fancy."

Some reckless mood had descended on me. It was the smell of leather and spice, I think. I nibbled on his neck a moment and then spoke softly, my voice low, "I promise, no matter what it is, I will be willing and eager participant."

Teagan groaned and kissed me hard. "Maker's breath, I must have been a very good boy to deserve a woman like you."

"Let's just see how bad of a boy you can be tonight, my lord," I said, wantonly.

He scooped me up into his arms and carried me to his bed and laid me on it, quickly freeing me from the gown and even the fancy underclothes. He undressed himself while I flipped through the pages of the book.

I was thankful for my Warden stamina because giving Teagan permission to carry out his fantasies seemed to have given him almost superhuman energy. We were both sore and exhausted at the end of the night and I was almost surprised the guards hadn't burst into the room when the shouting and pleading had become a bit loud.

We woke late in the morning and bathed together.

"Do those hurt?" I asked him, rubbing my fingertips over the welts I'd given him. "I could heal them."

"They hurt, but in a good way. Leave them be," he said smiling at me.

I did heal my strained muscles and my sore nether regions.

"I should have Wynne teach me that spell she uses on us in battle to restore our energy," I mused while I washed Teagan's hair. "That and healing, one could make love all night, I think."

"You're insatiable, woman!" he said, laughing.

"You're lucky I'm very hungry, otherwise I'd never let you leave this room," I said.

Teagan looked at me with a smug smile and got out of the tub, dripping water as he yanked the bell that would summon a servant to his room, then he wrapped himself up in a robe.

"Be careful what you wish for, my lady," he said.

A servant arrived promptly.

"Ah, thanks for coming," he said politely. "Would you be so good as to bring a breakfast for two up to my room?"

"Better make it for four," I suggested from the bathtub.

"Ah, right. Make sure there's enough food for four there. Hot tea, of course, and a bottle of sparkling wine."

He shut the door and rejoined me in the bathtub. When the breakfast tray came I saw there was a small bottle on it. It looked like a lyrium potion. I picked it up and saw there was a tag hanging off of it. "With compliments, Z."

"Oh!" I said with surprise. Morrigan never did get around to telling me what the _other_ use for lyrium was. Apparently Zevran did get the story and figured I could put it to use.

My companions didn't see us until dinnertime that evening. Teagan's little braid looked a bit fuzzy and my hair refused to do anything but stick up in a most unruly frizz. I wasn't dressed up for dinner but neither was Teagan. Isolde looked like she was trying to laser me to death with her eyeballs. I hoped if she was going to try to poison me that Zevran would have an antidote. Zevran just drank it all in with an impressed look on his face, especially when he saw Teagan wince when he sat down. Page two hundred and ninety-three was responsible for that, I'm fairly certain.

Kaitlyn and Alistair chatted amiably. Wynne had a favorable report on Eamon's progress. Tomorrow he should be able to get up.

It was another lovely dinner at Castle Redcliffe.


	26. How I Learned to Stop Worrying

**How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Trust the Assassin**

The next day we joined everyone for breakfast. I felt like a teenager. Of course, I practically was, physically anyway. Even Teagan looked younger. I resisted the urge to make a spectacle of myself in front of everyone, by popping pieces of food in his mouth, licking cream off my lips in a suggestive manner, or carrying on in the way I really wanted to. I was a grown-up, I reminded myself. I had grown-up attributes like... restraint, self-control, propriety. Right? Besides, Eamon was recovering and I didn't need to give Isolde more fuel to turn him against my proposal.

I took a sip on my tea and nearly choked. It tasted like soap. There was an oily film floating on top. Zevran was sitting next to me and I nudged him with an elbow and whispered "Poison?" to him. He picked up my cup and sniffed it, stuck a pinky in it and tasted it.

He nodded and whispered back: "Deathroot, enough to kill a horse. Amateurish, no one would drink enough of this in tea to die from. How much did you get?"

"A small swallow."

"You'd better take some antidote. I have some in my room," he said.

I looked down the table at Isolde. She seemed happier this morning. I'd assumed it was due to her husband's progress, but now I wondered. Well, this was going to make my life more difficult. I wasn't sure how to respond.

"This is a lovely tea blend, Isolde," I raised my teacup and smiled at her, a fake, slightly dangerous looking smile, I hoped. "You really must share your recipe sometime."

Now she knew, that I knew. Maybe I could use this to my advantage. I wasn't above a bit of blackmail, especially with a viper like Isolde.

Isolde looked at me, fearfully, looking like a cornered rat.

"Th... thank you, Lady Cousland. Really there's nothing special about it."

I laughed. "Oh? It has quite a distinctive taste. Very unusual."

Teagan looked at me as if I'd lost my mind. Isolde and I hadn't spoken since she had found Teagan in my bed, now I was chatting to her about tea? I could understand his confusion.

"Excuse me a moment," I said, patting my mouth on my napkin. "I need to discuss something with Zevran, my dear friend, and former Antivan Crow." I looked pointedly at Isolde as I explained his former job title and hinted at its significance.

Zevran stood up and we left the dining room together and walked to his room. He was grinning broadly. "Isolde looked about to have a heart attack."

"It would be very convenient if she did," I said. I wondered if I could learn a paralysis spell and cast it on her heart.

"Oh? I could arrange something accidental," Zevran said.

"Gah!" I paced his room while he looked through his vials for the antidote. "I can't. I worked too hard to save Eamon's family to destroy it now. I need that man to be able to focus on pulling the country together, not mourning his wife in addition to having his only son incarcerated by the Chantry."

As I paced I started to feel sweaty and my stomach suddenly seized up with cramps, I bent over and groaned.

"Hmmm, maybe you got more than you thought," Zevran said. "Drink the entire vial." He handed me a vial full of a clear liquid. It had a slimy feeling as it slid down my throat, but was fairly tasteless. "You should lay down, your muscles might lock up."

I laid down on his bed and tried to heal myself, but my muscles were racked with tremors and I just couldn't do it.

"How much worse is this going to get?" I asked him, shivering violently and yet sweating.

"The antidote should take effect any minute," he sat beside me and wiped the sweat off my face with his sleeve. "Painful?" he asked.

I tried to nod but, my muscles stopped obeying me. I could only move my eyes and blink.

"You'll be fine, mia cara, just a few more moments," he said, softly, wrapping his hand around mine.

A very dark thought crossed my mind: What if the antidote weren't an antidote but more poison? _Fuck!_ Why did I have to think of that now? That thought would have been useful five minutes ago, right now it was just making me panic. _Trust, trust. Trust! I must trust, Zevran. _His eyes looked so warm, kind even. Was he comforting me until my lungs stopped working and death overtook me? Maybe he set this up to make it look like Isolde poisoned me. He had always described himself as a rather kindly assassin. Giving his targets some form of comfort before killing them. He had been sitting next to me at the table, he certainly had access to my teacup.

"Your trust in me is touching, mia cara." He smiled softly at me. "I could have poisoned you, you know? But it never even crossed your mind to doubt me." He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

_What was that? Some sort of Antivan kiss of death?_

"Any second now," he said. "Just relax, it'll be easier if you're not tense."

I could feel a tear running down my cheek. _Adieu, cruel world._ C_ut down in my prime, or my re-prime. To be given the gift of youth and beauty, only to have it stolen away. Betrayed by a friend._

Suddenly I felt my muscles relax. The horrible rigidity that had seized my body lifted and I sobbed with relief. Zevran hugged me.

"That was worse than I thought it would be, mia cara. You had me worried. Are you all right?"

I hugged him as tightly as I could, which wasn't much. I was weak as a kitten. I was so sorry I had doubted him. I would never doubt him again. I felt horribly guilty now.

He helped me sit up and I summoned the will to heal myself. I felt much better. The healing spell wouldn't affect the poison, but it took care of some of the damage done by it.

"Now, why aren't you going to retaliate, Lucy? Surely Isolde deserves a slow, painful death for that?" Zevran asked.

"Because blackmail would be far more useful right now. I know as soon as Eamon is well enough to listen she's going to try to turn him against me. It would be far more useful if she were working with us."

Zevran chuckled. "I really must convince you to come with me to Antiva. Your talents are wasted here."

"But, I can't really prove it was Isolde that poisoned me. Obviously she has a servant working with her. We need to figure out who that is and get them to agree to testify against her, if necessary."

"I think I can help with that. Should I be nice about it?" he asked.

"Nice is preferable," I handed him the pouch of gold I was carrying. I had no trouble trusting him with our gold after having trusted him with my life.

He helped me to my feet and I hugged him again, tightly now that I had my strength back.

"Thanks, Zev," I said. "I owe you one."

I went back out to the dining table. Alistair and Teagan both watched me as I sat down. Isolde had left while I was gone.

"Are you all right?" Teagan asked. "You look a little pale."

"I'm fine, thanks." I smiled at him reassuringly. I didn't want to tell Teagan, I wasn't sure what he would do if he knew that Isolde tried to kill me.

Teagan spoke to Alistair about the swimming hole they both knew about, dropping hints that he should go. I was hoping he was smart enough to realize he should take Kaitlyn with him. I whispered in Teagan's ear that perhaps he should make a few suggestions to Alistair. Perhaps a picnic lunch, or something romantic.

Teagan gave me sly wink. "Leave it to me. Perhaps I should let him borrow _the book._"

I sighed. "But we've only gotten halfway through it," I joked. "On fine, I won't be selfish. Just keep in mind, he's a bit skittish about such things."

I spent the rest of the morning in Morrigan's room and we worked on my crow transformation. She wanted me to try some flight. She lifted me up to the top of her armoire and coached me. First I just spread my wings, stepped off, and glided to the floor. I began to learn I could control how quickly I could descend and I glided around the room, turning to avoid obstacles. I crashed into the bed once but it was harmless. Then I experimentally flapped my wings and landed on the canopy of her bed. I cawed noisily in my excitement.

"Shush, Lucy, let's not draw undo attention to the crow in my bedroom," she warned me.

I hopped happily, doing a little avian victory dance. I was eager to get outside and try my wings, but my first priority was to resolve matters with Isolde and work on convincing Eamon to cooperate with Loghain. I glided down to the floor and transformed back.

Being a bird was going to be incredibly useful.

~o~o~o~

"I have an informant for you, Lucy," Zevran said.

I followed him to his room and there was a middle-aged, elven servant wringing his hands and looking terrified.

"I'm sorry, lady," he said, hanging his head and refusing to look me in the eye.

"Don't be frightened," I said, kindly. _Dammit! What goes on to make elven servants so timid and afraid to stand up for themselves?_ I could just imagine Isolde terrorizing her staff. "What is your name?"

"Bertrand, lady," he whispered.

"Bertrand, did you put the poison in my tea?" I asked, trying to sound as nice as possible.

"Yes, ma'am. I didn't want to, but Lady Isolde threatened to fire me if I didn't. I need this job, ma'am. My wife is expecting."

I took the man's hands in my own. "Don't worry, Bertrand, I'll see that you keep your job or we'll get you an even better job, and make sure you're well rewarded for your integrity." I felt tears coming to my eyes. It was just so blasted unfair. I felt dirty by dint of being a human in this country. Guilt by association: Just one of the many flavors of guilt I could conjure up.

"Would you be willing to tell Arl Eamon or Bann Teagan about the poisoning if necessary?" I said. "I'm hoping to avoid that, but it might be necessary."

"Could I have the purse, Zev?" I whispered. He placed it in my hand. I didn't know what a fair reward would be, but we still had quite a bit of money left over from our prior trip to Denerim. I counted out thirty sovereigns and handed them to the man.

"Oh, my lady!" He finally looked up at me, his eyes shining with tears. "May Andraste Herself carry you to your sweet rest," he said. "I will testify about what Lady Isolde asked to anyone, even the Regent himself if necessary."

I smiled at him. "Thank you, Bertrand. Would you want me to get you a place with Bann Teagan? I think I can convince him. You should be safe from Isolde at Rainesfere."

"Oh, yes! Bann Teagan is a good man. It would be good to get away from Lady Isolde," he said. I saw a flash of hatred in his eyes before he could bury it under his subservient demeanor.

"All right," I said, cheerfully. I clasped Bertrand's hands in mine. "I'm sorry you were forced to do that. I don't hold it against you a bit." His tears would spark my own if I weren't very careful. I was definitely on the verge of becoming verklempt.

As Bertrand left Zevran looked at me with amusement.

"What?" I asked.

"You can't do it," he said. "I don't know about where you come from, but you can't throw a rock in Thedas without hitting a Bertrand. You can't save them all." He crossed his arms, his own eyes went hard. "Harden your heart, warden. We haven't even been to an Alienage yet."

"Maybe I can't help all the Bertrands out there, but perhaps I can do something about the Isoldes." I wondered at Zevran. Just a few hours ago he had been so compassionate when I was suffering from the poison. But faced with the suffering of his own race, how could he be so cold?

I got up and went to the door. "Thanks, Zev. I'd better go deal with Isolde."

"Need some help? I can be very scary," he offered.

I smiled. "You can come, but I don't think I'm going to need you to be scary for me. I've got a lot of scary stored up to unleash on her."

We asked around and found she was in her room, I knocked and a servant answered her door.

"My lady?"

"Would you please tell Lady Isolde that Lady Cousland would like to speak with her," I said.

She nodded and closed the door while we waited in the hall. She returned after a few moments.

"I'm sorry, Lady Cousland, but Lady Isolde is not feeling well," she said. "Could you come back later?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm afraid not, my dear. If you would be so good as to go elsewhere for a bit. I need to have a private word with your lady."

I slipped into the room and put a gentle, but insistent hand on the servant's shoulder and guided her to the open door. I also slipped her a sovereign on the way out. "Thank you, my dear," I said pleasantly.

I went into the room, a large sitting room, and closed and locked the door behind us.

"Molly, did you get rid of her?" I heard Isolde say from the next room.

I couldn't help the evil grin. I strode into the room, Zevran followed me in.

"Yes, I got rid of Molly."

Isolde was facing her vanity mirror and she jumped up and clasped her hands to her neck, looking about to faint. "What are you doing here? I don't want any visitors!"

"I didn't want any deathroot in my tea this morning, but I got some anyway," I sneered at her. "Really, Isolde, if you're going to try to murder someone you really should hire a professional, like Zevran. He's pretty expensive though."

"What... what are you talking about?" Isolde said, trying to press herself back, like she was trying to shrink out of view.

"It's fine, Isolde, we know all about it. Bertrand confessed. I wonder how your husband will feel about being married to a poisoner? Hmmm, maybe he'll think you poisoned him." I tapped my cheek with my finger. "I'm sure your brother-in-law will be shocked." I smiled evilly. "If I choose to tell them."

Isolde's eyes darted back and forth wildly. She looked like a cornered animal. "No, oh Maker, no! I didn't... I wouldn't... you would tell my husband that I poisoned him?"

"Calm yourself, Isolde. I don't have to say anything to anyone, do I?" I looked over at Zevran and he shook his head. "I could keep this between us. Our little secret... if..." I giggled, "If you can be cooperative."

Isolde nodded her head slowly.

"Oh good! I just knew we would become close friends one day." I reached out for her hand and she shrank away. "Oh Isolde, come let's sit down and chat." Zevran moved towards her and she scurried away from her vanity closer to me. I put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her tight to me. "Best friends forever!" I beamed at her and walked with her out to the sitting room. I guided her to a divan and sat her on it, seating myself extremely close to her. "Zevran, could you pour a drink for all of us? I'm feeling festive."

Zevran poured some brandy for all of us, from a nearby decanter, and handed us a glass. He sat in a chair not far away.

"I'd like to propose a toast." I stood and raised my glass. "To my new best friend, Isolde!" I drank the brandy in one gulp as did Zevran. I tried to hide the fact that it nearly made me choke and my eyes water.

Isolde just sat, trembling, her glass clutched in her hand.

"Come Isolde! Drink up. I'll be insulted if you don't."

She raised the glass with a trembling hand to her lips and swallowed a little, tears were running down her face.

"Oh now, you can do better than that, I think."

She lifted the glass and drained it, then coughed and gripped her throat.

"Do you feel that burning?" I said.

She nodded a whimpered.

"Brandy does that," I said. "A guilty conscience makes you think perhaps someone would poison you." I glared at her.

"Elissa... Lady Cousland, I'm sorry. I don't know why... I was just so angry. I wanted you gone." She began to cry in earnest, her sobs made her shake.

"Okay, here's how this works, Isolde. I want whatever hatred you have of me to end right here. When you talk to your husband about events that transpired, I don't want any of your venom or hatred of me to color his views. Do you understand?"

She nodded.

"I need to hear you say it," I said.

"I promise, I won't say anything about you," she sobbed.

"And I want you to treat your servants with respect and dignity, human or elven. If I hear of you misusing them or asking them to do your dirty work for you, like poisoning guests, I'm going to be extremely unhappy with you. Do you understand this?"

"I promise, Lady Cousland," she whimpered.

"You fucked up, royally, Isolde. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, maybe you're losing your mind. But I suggest you find it quickly and start being a much nicer, more humble, person."

Isolde squeezed her eyes shut and nodded vigorously. "I will, I promise."

"Good!" I said, rising. "Let's go, Zev."

"Wait, Elissa," she said, standing. "I... " She threw herself at me and hugged me. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that."

"Oh come on, Isolde, I think you do know." I patted her on the back. "Better get over it, he's your brother-in-law and you're a married woman."

She looked down at her feet and nodded.

I left with Zevran and as we were walking down the hall I turned to him. "That went well, don't you think?"

He laughed harder than I'd ever seen him laugh. "You certainly have an interesting way of being scary and intimidating."

"Hey!" I protested, "It worked, didn't it? I thought I did a pretty good job. Wasn't the bit with the brandy good? She was sure we were making her drink poison."

"You're so wordy. You could have slapped her around a bit and told her if she stepped out of line again you'd cut her throat. Job done in three minutes, tops."

I sighed. "I am trying to salvage her sanity. Give her a chance to come back from this and be a better person, not reduce her into a quivering lump of terrified flesh. She's probably already barely clinging to her sanity."

"You really need to harden yourself, my warden," Zevran said, shaking his head. "Associating with someone like Loghain is going to be tough if you're not prepared for how ugly life can be here."

I stopped in my tracks and looked at him, my head tilted to the side. _What did that mean?_


	27. A House Divided

**Note: **_I rewrote the scene between Lucy and Alistair in the library (Chapter 25) when someone pointed out it was pretty OOC for Alistair. I think I did a better job this time of describing the source of their conflict while keeping Al in character. It doesn't really change anything at this point._

_Reviews always welcome! Even ones with criticism.  
_**  
A House Divided  
**  
Wynne finally let us come in to talk to Eamon. Teagan, Alistair, Isolde - newly meek and sweet-mouthed - and I, all went to speak to him. I was navigating a narrow path. I wanted him to support Loghain, but if I couldn't get Loghain's cooperation, I'd need him to break away. I would have liked to withhold the information about Loghain being responsible for the poisoning, but, unfortunately, too many people knew. So I unfolded the tale of Ostagar and subsequent events I thought might get him to support Loghain. Unfortunately, I realized too late that there was obviously a history of rancor between the two men.

Eamon was also a die-hard royalist. He grooved on royal blood, lineage, history and all that. Loghain had none, and according to the other nobles that meant his daughter, the queen, was a commoner too. I tried to work my head around that notion. Loghain was a Teyrn when she was born so doesn't that make her as noble as say... me? Perhaps even more so, I was noble only because I lived in a noble's stolen body. Somehow I doubted if this had a precedent.

Eamon suggested that Alistair should be made king, simply due to the fact he had a bit of a certain genetic code. Alistair, of course, reacted adversely to the suggestion. I managed to stifle my own reaction, which would have been along the lines of: _"You're fucking kidding me, right? You banish him to the stables, make him feel inferior and unloved, then turn him over to the Chantry who did their best to finish fucking him up, and you think he's got the qualifications to run the country now? Are you fucking daft? _ _Zev! Get over here and finish the job Loghain botched. I mean,_ _why not just transplant some Theirin stem cells into a mabari and have it rule the country? And the big advantage is how many heirs it could produce, dozens at a time!_" But of course I said nothing like that.

I love my warden-brother, Alistair, don't get me wrong. But putting him in charge of the country? No! Simply, no!

"Arl Eamon, I respect your position on blood lines," I lied, "but let's face it, Loghain is a great general and that's exactly what we're going to need to end the Blight. I truly regret that he stooped to having you poisoned, but I think to avoid a civil war and subsequently having the Blight gain ground before we can respond, the country is going to need to rally. After the Blight is over, then we can worry about a succession.

Teagan nodded. "What she says is true, brother. We can ill afford to have the country divided at this time. Lothering is already lost to the darkspawn and how much more will be lost if we can't come together now?"

Eamon sighed and pinched his nose. "Lady Cousland, how can you ally yourself with the man who may have master-minded the slaughter of your family?"

"I don't know that he did. Granted, he is allied with that worm, Howe, but there's no proof Loghain knew anything about it. Even if he did, I'm not going to let my own anger get in the way of saving Ferelden from the Blight. Arl Eamon, if there was ever a time to put aside past differences and old rancor, to come together for the good of Ferelden, for all of Thedas, this is it!"

The discussion went on for a couple of hours until Eamon got too tired to continue. I was worried. He was being incredibly obstinate. What would it mean if we couldn't get him to support Loghain? Would Teagan ultimately stand with his brother? Would the other Banns follow Teagan? Or would they follow his brother?

I trudged unhappily to my room and collapsed face-down on my bed and grumbled into the mattress, a black mood overtook me. I never heard my door open and nearly had a heart-attack when someone straddled my prostrate body on the bed and started to give me a massage.

"Oh Jesus! Zev!" I said. "You scared me." My heart was thudding hard in my chest, but I quickly relaxed under his skilled hands.

"Sorry, mia cara, I didn't want to disturb you. You looked like you needed some help relaxing." His fingers dug into knots in my shoulders and it hurt. I couldn't help but tense up. "Breathe deeply and relax," he said. I took a few deep breaths and it worked, the pain began to fade and the pressure started to feel good. I wasn't wearing armor, just trousers and a shirt so his strong, nimble fingers could work on my back.

"This would work better if you were naked," he said, matter-of-factly.

I turned my head and looked back at him. "I'm sure lots of things would work better if I were naked," I smirked. "But I don't think Teagan would approve."

"Hmmm, so this relationship with him is exclusive?" he said.

"Well, while I'm here, yes. He knows my plan for Loghain. He's not happy about it, but he realizes that when I'm not here, their may be others."

"A generous man, your Bann is," Zevran laughed, "extremely attractive too. I can just imagine the pair of you in bed together. Not particularly difficult, with all the noise you two make."

"Sorry, we'll keep it down in the future," I said.

"Oh no, I enjoyed it. I'd enjoy it more if you invited me, but I'll take what I can get."

Oh Maker, I didn't need that image in my mind right now!

"So, what has you so depressed this afternoon, Lucy?" he asked me.

"Arl Eamon is a stubborn old fart," I said, glad to change the subject. "He's hung up on putting noble blood on the throne. In fact, he's seized on the idea that it should be Alistair."

"Brasca!" Zevran swore. "Don't get me wrong, Alistair has a lot of fine qualities, but leadership is not one of them. Is this Eamon looking for a puppet he can control?"

I shrugged, then stifled a cry as Zevran sunk his elbow into a particularly stubborn knot and pressed hard. "Breathe!" he said. I concentrated on my breathing and eventually the knot eased and so did the pain. "See? Pain turns into pleasure if you just relax. I'm going to have to demonstrate this notion to you another time, perhaps after we've left Redcliffe."

"Let's stay on topic, Zev." I'd always been rather turned on massages, even therapeutic ones. But discussing Arl Eamon counterbalanced the eroticism better than a bucket of cold water. "Maybe Eamon does want a puppet. But he's not ready to support Loghain yet. Teagan has promised to work on him. But I'm worried if he doesn't come around, he might convince Teagan to change his mind."

"Undoing all the hard work you've done to win Teagan over," he said.

"Work? I didn't _work_ on Teagan. I just reasoned with him and he saw it my way," I said, defensively.

"So all the sex and seduction..."

"No! I didn't sleep with him to convince him. I just... I found him attractive and he seemed to like me."

"But your affair with him probably helped matters, don't you think?" Zevran suggested.

"Probably." I agreed. "Say! You're not suggesting I sleep with his brother because... ick! That would be awful in more ways than one. I wouldn't betray Teagan like that, and his brother is... urgh, not my type."

"What? You don't like thick-lipped, old men?" Zevran said, chuckling. "Aren't you the one who keeps saying she'd do anything to end the Blight?"

I shuddered. "Sure, if I know for sure something is a good choice, I'll do it. Sleeping with Eamon seems like a very, very mediocre choice at best. Besides, I'm not that good of an actress. Killing him would be a much better option." I bit my lip. _Did I just say that out loud?_

"Lucy!" Zevran exclaimed. "Did my words sink in today? Are you hardening your heart, finally?"

"Well, better him than losing thousands in a civil war and subsequent Blight. It's an option, okay. Just an option, but not until it becomes necessary and we've exhausted every other option. I might still need him if Loghain doesn't cooperate."

Zevran flipped my hair off my neck and started digging into my neck muscles. "What do we do next?"

"I think I need to let Teagan try to talk his brother around and we should go back to Denerim and approach Loghain. Or I approach him."

"What if Loghain doesn't cooperate?" he asked.

"I could kill him," I said, musingly. "Or we seize control in some other way. Probably killing him would be easier. Maybe his daughter would cooperate."

I hummed in my throat when Zevran began to massage my ears. This was venturing into the too erotic territory again. "Okay, thanks for the massage, Zevran, and for talking all this over with me. Bouncing my ideas off you is invaluable."

I heard Zevran chuckle. "I'm honored you think so, warden."

I sat up, feeling much more relaxed and much less broody. I gave him a sisterly kiss on the cheek. He left and I laid back down on the bed and tried to think about things, but I was so relaxed from Zevran's massage, I fell deeply asleep.

I didn't wake up until I felt someone's arms wrap around me. I didn't even need to open my eyes to know it was Teagan by his scent. "Ummm?" I squirmed until I was closer to him.

"Are you awake, dear heart?" he said, his stroking my hair.

"Yes", I mumbled.

"Can we talk?" he said.

I rubbed my eyes and experimentally focused them on his face. "Yes, of course." I kissed him on the nose.

"I spent some time talking to Eamon after you left. My brother is more stubborn than I expected on this subject. I'll continue to work on him, but we both nearly lost our tempers."

I frowned and sighed. "This is not what I was hoping to hear."

"At least Isolde is keeping out of it. I was afraid she would try to turn Eamon against you."

I couldn't suppress a snicker. "I think she'll stay out of it."

Teagan put a finger under my chin and lifted my face until I was looking at him directly in the eyes. "Let's not have any secrets, Lucy. What happened with her? I know something happened at breakfast."

"I'll tell you, but only if you promise not to do anything."

He looked at me in alarm. "What do you mean? Do nothing. What happened?"

I said nothing, but cocked an eyebrow at him.

"All right, I promise," he said.

"Isolde tried to poison me at breakfast. There was deathroot in my tea. Zevran had an antidote." I didn't go into a description of the utter terror I went through, and how certain I was going to die.

Teagan sat up and slammed his fist into my bed. "Maker's Blood! That woman has lost her mind. You can't just mean to let her get away with it! My brother should know at the very least."

"Well, I did pay her a visit and suggested she might want to be a little nicer to me in the future, and to her servants." I smiled wickedly. "I think I convinced her. Oh! That reminds me. One of her servants ratted her out and he might not be safe here. Can he come to work for you? I'll even pay his wages, although I might need to owe it to you. Isolde might retaliate against him, although I think she's probably frightened enough she won't."

"Of course he can come work for me, and no, you don't need to pay his wages. I can afford it."

Teagan laid back down with a sigh. "You're sure she won't try again?"

"Well, if she does she'll have to reckon with Zevran at the very least."

"Is he really an Antivan Crow?"

"Yes, I guess I hadn't really told you about him. We found him on our travels. Or, rather, he found us. Tried to kill us actually. Loghain hired him."

"Maker's Breath, Lucy! How do you know he isn't just biding his time to finish the job?" he said, his forehead furrowing deeply.

I smiled. "Oh, I know. Trust me. I know! He could have easily killed me dozens of times over by now. When your life has been hanging by a thread in someone's hands and they stand by you and watch over you, you learn to trust them."

His expression looked worried. "I just wish I could keep you safe from this madness."

I kissed him. "No one is going to be safe until the Blight is dealt with, Teagan." I softly kissed his eyes and rubbed my thumb along his cheekbone. "If you can't convince your brother, will you support him?" I asked. I didn't want to be responsible for a rift between brothers, but I needed Teagan's support.

His face looked sad. "No, dear heart. I know in my heart you're right. I will just have to convince Eamon somehow."

"That this should divide you from your brother breaks my heart. I wouldn't ask it of you if..."

"Shush," he said, holding my face between his hands, "I know you wouldn't." He put his lips on mine and our mouths opened and I stroked his tongue with mine. Our disappointing afternoon was soon forgotten as we undressed one another. This time our lovemaking was slow and sweet, as we were reminded of how precarious life was in Ferelden.

At dinner that night, I told everyone we would be leaving the next morning. I saw a forlorn expression on Alistair's face, matched by one on Kaitlyn's face. I was going to have to do a bit of prying and find out if Teagan's matchmaking had borne fruit.

What surprised me was how sad I was at leaving Teagan. I didn't know when we'd be back at Redcliffe again. Although we did plan to correspond so he could keep me appraised of his brother's frame of mind and I could let him know how things progressed in Denerim. I swore to myself I was not going to fall in love again. Not until the Blight was over.

We assembled in the courtyard early in the morning, just after dawn. The sun couldn't pierce the heavy, low clouds. Fitting weather for the heaviness of spirit I felt. The next part of our journey felt like there were so many variables out of my control, I just hoped I could improvise well enough to keep it from turning into a runaway train.

Teagan gave my hand a restrained kiss, not wanting to flaunt our relationship in front of his brother. I thought it was wise. But the expression on his face said volumes. His eyes looked so sad.

"Farewell, Lady Cousland," he said, formally. "My thoughts will be with you."

"Thank you, Bann Teagan. And you, Arl Eamon and Lady Isolde. Your hospitality has been a most welcome respite from our travels." I gave Isolde a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I'm especially glad we could get to know each other better, Lady Isolde."

Isolde went pale and gave me a quivering smile. "Me too, Lady Cousland. I look forward to your next visit."

I shook hands with Arl Eamon. "It is very gratifying to see you recovering so well."

He returned some generic, courtly words.

I took one more glance at Teagan and I had to look away quickly because I was going to become verklempt. _It's just sex, dammit. And friendship. That's all._

When we were safely out of sight of Redcliffe I asked Morrigan to teach me how to fly. I needed to get my mind on something else.


	28. Butterflies in the Stomach

**Note: **_Thank you kindly for your reviews! They make the writing process really fun. I started writing this chapter and found I had reached almost 12,000 words! I decided to break it up in at least two chapters, maybe three._

**Butterflies in the Stomach**

It's a long journey to Denerim, during which I mastered flying. I found ways of passing time that never failed to amuse me and annoy my companions. Landing on Alistair's head when he was wearing his helm and pecking on it until he yelled was amusing. Hanging out on Zevran's shoulder was just fun simply because of all the terrible puns he made about us both being crows. I found out Sten has lice so I'd pick them out of his cornrows. I think we even bonded a little over that experience. I stayed far from Wynne because she threatened to shoot me out of the sky if I bothered her as a crow. Morrigan and I had daily mid-air dog fights. The winner was determined by whoever could snatch a feather out of the other. I never won a single one, but she insisted that we practice, just in case I had to make emergency maneuvers to escape a predatory bird. Personally, I think she just like proving her superiority over me time and again.

At night I often told stories from earth to my companions. Vampires were a big hit, as were werewolves, they told me there actually were werewolves in Ferelden at one time. I thought they might be having one on me. Frankenstein's monster was a little more difficult for them to grasp, since it had a lot of Victorian era technology in it. But they enjoyed my stories. I would have loved to introduce them to sci-fi, but that was probably a bit much for them.

Leliana and I both worked on Alistair to try to find out how things had gone with Kaitlyn. We found out that kisses had been exchanged and promises of more in the future. Judging from the way she had looked at him, it was pretty much perfect. She seemed to worship him and that was exactly what he needed. Perhaps it was my imagination but he did seem more self-confident.

I read the book I had borrowed from Teagan about the last few years of the Orlesian occupation. There was one battle in particular that stood out. The Rebellion's army had nearly been destroyed, it was later revealed there had been a traitor involved that was close to the inner circle of advisers. She was mentioned to be a bard from Orlais.

I sat with Leliana and asked to know just what a bard was, trying to understand its significance. She had quite a lot of detailed knowledge and it eventually sunk into my brain that she had been one. She tried to deny it at first but then she spilled it. I guess she realized it wasn't worse than being a mass murderer, like Sten, or assassin, like Zevran. Eventually her story tumbled out and I learned about how she had been betrayed by her mentor, Marjolaine. I briefly considered the possibility she might still be a spy and could be spying on us now. But I hadn't really seen anything that would raise my suspicions, so I took her story at face value.

Despite my lighthearted jesting and pranks on the way to Denerim, I was growing more apprehensive. I didn't know if my plan would work or not. I tried to hide my worries, even from myself, but I didn't fool everyone. One evening I was sitting in front of the campfire, my eyes were held by the dancing flames and I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular but my expression must have revealed something. Zevran sat down next to me.

"Tsk, tsk," he said, "you look so tired my dear. It's all this constant walking, flying and fighting. I think I know what you need."

"Caffeine," I said.

"What? No, whatever that is I have, something better in mind."

"Oh, better than caffeine? It must be good!" I asked, thinking that perhaps his skills with poisons extended to other substances. Perhaps a stimulant in the morning could be useful, or a little something to help me sleep when the nightmares were bad.

"No, my thought is this: We retire to a more private place and I show you the sort of massage skills one only learns growing up in an Antivan whorehouse," he said, leaning over and saying it directly and quietly into my ear.

It sent a frisson down my back. Yes, that certain gave caffeine a run for the money. I had told him about my understanding with Teagan, obviously we were away from Redcliffe so that made me available. Was I really though? I missed Teagan. I was afraid I was becoming too fond of him. I couldn't afford that. Oh, I could rationalize this a dozen different ways in my brain. I was locked into analysis paralysis.

"Lucy, stop it," Zevran said.

"Stop what?" I said, looking guilty.

"You're over-thinking. Every time you do, you get a crease on your forehead, it will age you prematurely."

I laughed at that.

"That's better," he said. Then he leaned over and spoke in his low voice, smoothly accented by Antivan, sounding remarkably like Ricardo Montalbán. "When you laugh, your face glows. I want to see how many ways I can make your face glow."

I hummed in my throat, realizing my erogenous zone actually started a few inches from my ear. I wished I were a guy and sex were just sex. It always seemed a lot simpler to them, well most of them. Alistair was the exception. Certainly Zevran seemed to have no expectations. Why can't I be like that? Maybe I can be, I'd just never tried it.

"Say '_soft Corinthian leather_'", I asked him.

"Soft Corinthian leather," he purred, just millimeters from my ear, his warm breath buffeting it.

I shivered. _Yes, just like Ricardo Montalbán_.

"So, about that massage, Warden?"

"Yes," I said. I told my brain to shut the hell up and went to my tent. Zevran followed a few minutes later.

**Denerim  
**We found an inn that was out of the way, unlikely to be frequented by anyone that knew any of us. I gave the purse to Alistair to manage. He rented rooms for everyone but me. I was nervous as hell now. We had lunch at the inn and I could barely eat.

Zevran noticed. "You're eating like a bird, warden," he said.

I groaned at the pun and took a half-hearted bite of my lunch.

Zevran grasped my hand under the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I managed a smile at him. I didn't want everyone to see how nervous I was. That wouldn't inspire confidence in my plans. Still, I just couldn't eat. I gave my lunch to Alistair. He wolfed it down.

I said goodbye to Alistair privately, hugged him and reassured him that everything was going to be fine. I think I had him convinced that I actually believed it.

Zevran and I put together another disguise for him. This time he was an Rivaini. The accents weren't all that different. Lots of people couldn't tell the difference anyway. We walked out of town to a private area and I transformed into a horse form, one I'd been working on on the way to Denerim. I was a large dappled gray with a black mane. A horse sturdy enough to carry a big man, like Loghain, comfortably. I had never seen a dappled gray with a black mane, I think it might actually be genetically impossible, but it did make me stand out.

He sought out the royal stables, sweet-talking his way past a number of guards, and showed me off to a stable hand. The stable hand sought out the stable master who was impressed enough to get the Master of Horses. I wondered if there were more levels in the hierarchy than that, but it seemed we finally got to the guy who could make the a buying decision.

"She's a docile, yet spirited creature," Zevran said, his hand stroking my flank. "A man couldn't ask for a finer mount."

I was _so_ going to get him back for that.

The Master of Horses, Henry, inspected me closely. I stood politely still for him as he opened my mouth and looked at my teeth, picked up my feet, ran a hand down my legs. Finally he went back to my head and patted my nose with affection. I knew how to suck up. I nuzzled him. It worked, he was grinning.

"Let's see what she can do in the training ring," Henry said.

Zevran hopped onto my back. We'd been working together on the way to Denerim, so I was in good form. We'd even done some jumping. Zevran wasn't trained in it, but he managed to keep his seat. I could explain enough of the basics and he picked the rest up on his own. Even though I was a great horse, I had to confess I was only a beginner as a rider. Still, Zevran was a natural.

I avoided my infamous trot, just in case Howe's former horse were recognized, but I did well with my other gaits. Zevran took me over a few modest fences. After he finished, Henry wanted to ride me himself. Fortunately he lived up to his title. He was a good rider, I had no problem understanding his desires. I held my head well, arching my neck, trying to get the wind to hit me just so, I wanted my mane to billow out and look pretty.

"Obedient isn't she?" Zevran said. "And very responsive."

The Horse Master looked impressed. "She's excellent. Her stride is a little short at the canter, but I think with some training we can correct that."

_Oh?_ I would have to work on that.

"I think you'll find she's exceptionally quick at learning," Zevran said.

Zevran and Henry dickered over the price. It seemed the more I nuzzled the Master, the more amenable he became to Zevran's price. I blew on his neck a few times, nuzzled his ear, and he nearly met Zev's asking price. He finally agreed to four hundred gold. Not as much as we soaked Howe for, but it was a good amount for a Ferelden horse.

"What's her name?" the Master asked Zevran before he left.

"Lucy," he said. He came over to me and told me to be good to my new masters. He stroked my neck a few times and whispered into my ear, "Soft Corinthian leather." Then, with a saucy wink, he was gone.

Henry was excited with his new acquisition. He chatted at me, telling me how much the Regent would like me.

"But first, let's fix your canter." He mounted my back and rode me around the ring again, quickly bringing me to a canter. I worked harder to stretch my gait. He was doing something a little different with his legs. "Good girl, Lucy!" he said. He rode me around the ring for quite some time. Fortunately he was verbal and he often told me what he wanted and so I would adjust quickly.

He finally dismounted and led me to the stable, patting me fondly. "I think the Regent is going to be impressed with you, Lucy." I nuzzled him again and he laughed.

I was handed over to a stable boy. He brushed me vigorously and put me into a stall. This was the part of being a horse I hated. It was boring standing around in a stall waiting for something to happen. That, coupled with my nerves, made me pace and fret. There was a bay mare in the next stall who heard my restless pacing, she poked her head over the partition and snorted at me in a friendly greeting.

We blew in each other's nostrils. She looked very friendly and curious. I was grateful for her companionship. It helped take my mind off of things. Eventually it got dark outside and I drifted into the semi-conscious state horses go to when they sleep. The next day we were let out into the pasture and I ran around with my mare friend. _Mabel_, I decided to call her. It just seemed to fit.

Henry, the Horse Master, came by the pasture at one point. I made a point of showing off. _Go tell Loghain about the gorgeous horse he simply must see! _I willed him. I trotted past, letting my mane billow out and flicking my tail around. Then I broke into my fastest gallop and kicked out my heels a few times. I ran back to where he watched from the side and slammed on the brakes just before I got to the fence.

Henry laughed and he held out something for me. It was a lump of sugar. I slurped it up and licked the side of his face. He called over the stable boy and asked that I be saddled up. He took me out to the training ring and we rode around in circles for awhile and jumped a few fences. He seemed satisfied with me, so we left the training ring and he rode me through the countryside outside the palace. It was a pleasant ride and I thought I did everything he asked. I was feeling a little sweaty when he brought me back to the stable. It broke up the monotony of the day some.

I spent the rest of the day in the pasture and was put back into the dreaded stable in the evening. I would have slipped out of the stable in crow form, but the stable boy actually stayed in the stable all night, so I was sure to be missed if I did. I was about to drift off into my horse slumber when I saw a familiar pair of brown eyes outside the window of my stall.

I nickered softly at Zevran.

"Lucy," he whispered, "are you alone in there?"

I shook my head.

"How many?" he asked.

I hit the stable wall once with my foot.

"One?"

I nodded.

"Where?"

I turned my head in the direction where the stable boy slept.

"Just a minute," he said. He disappeared and I heard nothing for quite some time. Then I felt a hand on my flank.

"It's okay now," he said, "the stable boy is going to be sleeping very soundly for a few hours."

I changed out of horse form and nearly collapsed, it felt so strange after having been a horse for so long. Zevran caught me and I leaned against him, trying to remember how to be a biped.

"Are you all right, mia cara?" he asked, his eyes full of concern.

"I'm okay. It's just, the longer I'm in one form the stranger it feels to switch back. I think I'm okay now," I said, but he didn't let go of me. "I should walk around and remember what it is like to be human." Zevran wrapped an arm around my waist and we left the stable to walk around outside. "It's good to be out of that dratted stable. I hate it."

He chuckled. "No sign of the Regent yet then?"

"No, he seems to have abandoned his daily morning ride recently."

"I might know why," Zevran said. "It seems he called a Landsmeet, perhaps shortly after we left Redcliffe. It is to be held in three weeks."

"Oh?" I pondered this news. "If my plan works, then this is good news. I think." Zevran and I continued to walk, sticking to the shadows. My legs felt normal again. "I wonder how Teagan fares with his brother?"

"Ah! That reminds me, a message came from your handsome Bann." He reached into his shirt and pulled it out.

"Dare I risk a light out here?" I asked Zevran, not knowing if there were others around likely to see it.

"A small one, I think."

I conjured a very tiny mage-light and opened the sealed letter.

_My Dear Heart,_

_I won't burden you with how empty my life feels since you left, but instead I will update you with the news. I am sending this to you from Rainesfere. My brother and I have quarreled_ _badly. I fear we are no longer speaking to one another. He refuses to give up_ _his notion of putting Alistair on the throne, never mind the lad is completely uninterested. He seems to have no care that such a maneuver would sorely divide the country. I think he realizes his influence over the country is at an end now that our nephew, Cailan, is dead. He knows that he would be the puppeteer if Alistair were crowned.  
_

_When I got to Rainesfere, I found a summons waiting to come to Denerim for a Landsmeet, so it seems we will be closer together again. I know your plan may make it difficult for us to be together, but should you find some way, I would love nothing more than to spend time with you again._

I smiled and handed the letter to Zevran to read.

"He's firmly wrapped around your finger," Zevran said. "I think there is a cortigiana or two in Antiva that would be jealous of your skill."

"Skill? I'm offended by the comparison. I haven't manipulated him in the slightest."

"A truly natural talent," he said, his eyes crinkling, "is so skillful she is unaware of her own abilities."

I grimaced at him. Leave it to him to be able to insult me a compliment. "Where I come from being compared to a prostitute is an insult, usually."

"Tsk, mia cara, not where I come from. Besides, the cortigiana of Antiva are not prostitutes. They are intellectuals, artists, highly desirable companions. Sex is merely one of the many skills they bring to the men that patronize them. Their influence in Antivan politics is considerable."

"That sounds like the geisha, from my world. Although I don't know if they had any political power, probably not."

I sniffed the night air and all I could smell was horse. I realized it was myself I was smelling. "I would love to take a bath. I smell like a horse. I'm very tired of smelling horses. I'm very tired of being a horse."

"I don't have any soap to offer, but I could wash your back," Zevran offered. "And I can think of a way or two we can reconnect you to your human body."

After the tedium of being a horse, standing around in a stall, having few outlets for my nervous anticipation, I was eager to take him up on his offer. We found a big tub in the building that held all the stable supplies. I filled it with hot water and we both got in.

Zevran held me firmly, my back to his chest. His strong arm wrapped around me so I couldn't move. He nibbled and sucked at my neck and ear, his free hand rubbed me, toying with me expertly, until I cried out and stiffened in his arms. It only inflamed my need. He seated me on the edge of the tub and used his mouth and fingers to bring me to another shuddering orgasm.

We found a deep stack of horse blankets and moved onto that. Zevran pretended to be a stallion mounting his favorite mare. He whinnied into my ear, making me laugh so hard it nearly broke the mood, but then he described in great detail how the stallion would take me and that put me back in the mood. He might not have been quite of the proportions he described, but our bodies fit well together and his skill was considerable. I doubt any mare had ever been so well satisfied.

We kept at it until we had dried from our bath and he judged the sleeping draught he had slipped the stable boy would wear off soon. He braided my hair for me, kissed me good night and slipped out of the stable. I transformed and slept surprisingly well.

The third day went like the first, only with no breaks from the monotony. Mabel and I ran around in the pasture. I did horse things. It was becoming intensely dull. Zevran came again that night and I practically ripped his clothes off him with my frustration, boredom and nervousness. He knew exactly what I needed. He was almost cruel in his love-making. His bites made me gasp and his pinches made me whimper in pain, then in need. He possessed me utterly that night. It was the perfect outlet for my frustration.

The fourth day began as the others had. I was awoken by the bustling of the stable hands from a dream of being chased by a mountain lion. That dream frightened me. That was a horse's dream, not a human dream.

I've never been a patient person. I would have been testy, short-tempered, and irritable as a human, by now. I felt like biting someone or something as a horse. I hated the stable now, with a passion. I think another day of this and I'd probably start kicking down the walls, but I had to be a nice horse and impress everyone to get the damn Regent to take me out on his morning ride, which he seemed to have suddenly abandoned. Just my luck.

The only thing that kept me sane was the time we spent in the pasture, but even that was pretty boring. I started chasing a butterfly, determined to catch it and chomp it, sadistically, between my huge teeth. It was a pretty sad state of affairs to take my frustrations out on masticating such beautiful creatures. I had just swallowed the second butterfly of the morning, when I saw a pair of people walking to the fence around the pasture.

I watched them a moment. I recognized Henry, the other man was very tall and broad, black hair. Loghain? I went into my pretty pony act. Trotting and tossing my mane. Then I galloped as fast as I could around the perimeter of the pasture and thundered up to the men and stopped suddenly. My hooves sent a puff of dry dirt up into the air as I braked suddenly.

_Loghain! Time to ham it up. I suddenly felt the butterflies I'd just eaten come to life in my stomach._


	29. Loghain Got Back

**_Note: _**_A few spoilers from "The Stolen Throne" in this story. _

_Many thanks to Biff McLaughlin for beta-reading. She's good at finding those annoying typos and grammatical thingies that elude and confound me._

_My thanks also to Sleepowlet who first provided the prompt back on the old kmeme, and then who inspired the ideas with Loghain. She also beta-read a few of my chapters._**_  
_**

**_Regent Got Back  
_**_  
_"You see, my lord?" Henry said. I went over to Henry and nuzzled him. "She's a slut for attention."

_Damn right_, I thought. I turned my attention from Henry to Loghain. He looked quite unlike I'd ever seen him at Ostagar. He was dressed in comfortable riding clothes and he actually looked somewhat relaxed, almost contented. This was certainly an aspect of the man I'd never seen. Although I wasn't exactly a Loghain expert, I had a certain picture of him in my head and it was different from this, almost affable, man.

"Come here, girl, let's have a look at you," Loghain said, his voice gentle. He held out his hand and there was a slice of apple in it. I stepped over to him and took the apple delicately from his hand and crunched it up noisily. It chased away the bitter, chalky taste of the butterflies I'd eaten. I blew in Loghain's face in standard horse greeting and he blew back at me. He patted my nose and then climbed over the fence to get closer to me.

"She's fine looking, Henry. Big. I dare say she could carry me in my armor. How big is she?"

"Over sixteen hands, nearly seventeen, my lord. She is big, but she has speed and plenty of agility too, and a very sweet temperament."

_Ha! If you only knew how close I was to dismantling your stable plank by plank!  
_  
"Are you a sweet girl, Lucy?" Loghain asked, stroking my mane.

I snorfled his ear and lipped at his braid with my mouth, tugging on it. He broke out into hearty laugh and pushed my head away playfully. A huge smile deformed his face. I say _deformed_ because it seemed like such an unnatural expression for him.

"She seems to like you, ser," Henry said.

"She reminds me of a horse I had when I was a boy. A dapple gray, like her, but I've never seen one with a black mane. What an unusual trait. We must breed this one." Loghain said.

_Um, no._

"Lucy, do you want to go for a ride?" Loghain said.

_Yes! About time too. _I forgot I wasn't actually supposed to answer and I nodded my head.

Henry and Loghain both laughed. "It's almost as if she understood you," Henry said.

Loghain grasped my bridle and led me to the stable where I was saddled up with the Regent's fine tack. I tried to be still and patient, but I was brimming with nervous energy. It all came down to me now, and Loghain, of course. From here on out I was improvising and the future of... everything... depended on how well I did. Talk about pressure!

It was mid-summer in Ferelden and the middle of a very hot spell. Even though it was early in the day it was already warm. It didn't bother me too much as a horse, for which I was grateful. Loghain mounted and rode me into the training ring. I was disappointed. I had wanted to go far off, where I could talk to him privately, but I think he just wanted to get comfortable with me first. I was at my attentive best and did everything as well as I could. He even took me over a few jumps after asking Henry if I could jump.

"I think I'll take her out for a bit of a ride, Henry. I want to see how much stamina she has."

"My lord, would you like me to come with you? Or your guard, surely?" Henry said.

"No, I'll be fine. I'll stay reasonably close and I've got my sword if there's any trouble." He had strapped his sword behind the saddle. "I should be back in an hour or two."

He kicked my sides and I trotted off with him, towards the tree line in the distance. He quickly pressed me into a canter and then a gallop. Loghain was a very good rider. His commands were very clear to me and he eased off the bit when he learned I didn't need it.

"Very comfortable ride, Lucy," he commented, patting my neck.

We went along at what I thought was a very nice gallop for quite some time and then he slowed me to a canter.

"There's a fence coming up, Lucy-girl, can you jump it?"

I spotted it ahead. It was a rock wall, not terribly large. I thought I could. I snorted and nodded.

"Maker's blood, Lucy-girl, it's almost like you understand me." We drew closer to the fence and he positioned himself for the jump. I gathered myself and cleared it easily. I gave a happy snort. Truthfully, it had scared me a little. I was used to jumping over fences that would collapse if I hit them with a hoof.

"You are a very special girl, Lucy," he said, slapping my neck affectionately.

_You have no idea,_ I thought.

He brought me back to a gallop and we tore across the turf. I was beginning to sweat heavily, but the exertion vented my nervousness. Finally he slowed me to an easy trot and we entered a lightly wooded area. The shade from the heat of the morning felt good. I could smell that Loghain was perspiring heavily. I did have a pretty amazing sense of smell as a horse. Fortunately, he wasn't offensive smelling.

As the woods grew denser he slowed me to a walk. I could smell water and hear it lapping somewhere; we seemed to be headed towards that. At last we came to the edge of a small lake, or a large pond. It was a beautiful area with lots of shade, ferns growing between the trees, and a nice path that we were following. In the middle of the pond was a sunny, little island.

He stopped me at the edge of the lake and dismounted.

"Are you tired, Lucy?" he asked.

I forgot myself again and shook my head.

"Maker's hairy balls... do you understand me?" He was starting to look a little alarmed.

I shook my head again. Maybe he would think there was something I was trying to shake off my head.

He seemed to rethink the notion and laughed. He took my tack off and looped my reins around a fallen log so I could reach the water and drink. I was very thirsty and the sweet, cold water helped cool me down a little. Still, I was very sweaty. Sweat was rolling down Loghain's face too.

As soon as I was secured he started to undress. I might have been a horse, but I still had all my womanly sensibilities. I stopped slurping up water and stared at him. His chest was broad and powerful, but very pale and covered with a dusting of black hair. He possessed a chest and arms that many a younger man would spend hours in a gym striving for and never achieve. He was also embroidered with scars, some of which were vicious looking. There must have been a dearth of healing mages in his life. His torso tapered neatly into slender, but powerful, hips. As he took off his trousers I was gratified with the shape of his ass. It was an ass that would do a pair of jeans proud. It was strong and muscular. Not one of those flat, barely existent booties men often had. No, _Loghain got back_.

I whickered my approval. It was the closest thing to a cat-call I could do. I had seen a typical sort of statue of Loghain in Denerim, but really they should have done him nude. He lived up to his heroic title without clothes on. Where is Michelangelo when you really need him?

Fortunately, Loghain ignored me. It would be creepy to find a horse was leering at you while you were naked.

"Be a good girl, Lucy. I'm going for a swim," he said, and then he splashed out into the water and as soon as it was deep enough he started to swim for the island with strong strokes of those powerful arms.

As soon as he was out of sight I transformed and took all the horse gear, his clothes, his sword, everything, except his smalls and trousers, and hid them in the woods. That sounds easier than it was. I was still in that awful moment of confusion from transforming where I couldn't remember how to walk like a human. It was always bad after such a long time in horse form. I had to grab onto trees and tripped a few times before I mastered bipedalism again.

I was sweating profusely now. It hadn't bothered me so much as a horse, but as a human it was awful. I wanted nothing more but to jump into the water myself, but instead I splashed some cold water from the lake on my face, chest, and the back of my neck. It wasn't enough, but it would have to do. I hid myself and waited for Loghain to come back.

I wasn't wearing armor and I wasn't armed. I wasn't here to fight. If it came to fighting, I had probably failed. I didn't want him to think his life was in danger; I just wanted him to listen to me. I could barely sit still. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to have multiplied. I peeled bits of bark off a tree with my fingernails, out of nervousness, while I waited. Then I heard a splashing and knew he was swimming back.

From my hiding place I watched him as he climbed out of the water. The water sheeted off him and the sun glinted on his wet, black hair. If I had to seduce him at least I wouldn't have to shut my eyes and think of someone else. It could have been worse, much worse.

He looked around where he had left his horse and equipment and his eyes fell on his small clothes and pants. I was being polite, was I not? I'd allow him at least a little dignity while we had our discussion. Besides, I wasn't sure how I could possibly discuss the future of the nation with a naked man. Leaving him half-clothed, though, was a tactical decision, not an aesthetic one... really! I thought it would leave him slightly off balance, feeling exposed, at a disadvantage. Maybe. I had no idea, this was improvisational. I wondered what Madeleine Albright, or Kissinger would think of my tactic. I bet they'd misplace a foreign dignitary's clothes if they had the option.

Loghain looked alarmed when he saw that nearly everything was missing. He looked up, prepared to fight, but when nothing happened he reached for the small clothes and breeches and put them on.

_Show time! _

I stepped out from behind the tree and bushes where I had been waiting and held up my hand in the universal gesture of peace, or as Zevran would probably say, the idiot's gesture of '_Hey, look at me, I'm a completely unarmed woman and very easy to kill'_.

"Loghain," I said, dispensing with his title to show I wasn't going to be submissive or deferential.

"You?" He sneered. "Elissa Cousland, isn't it? How on earth did you manage to arrange this?"

"It's a long story. An interesting one, if you'll hear it, but there are other things we have to discuss before we get to that," I replied. My voice was strong, despite my nerves.

"Where's my horse?" he demanded. His hands clenched and unclenched, like he was already imagining throttling me.

"I hid her. You'll get her back after we've talked, along with your other stuff. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm unarmed, as you can see, and I'm alone."

"I see that. You don't think I could kill you unarmed?" He narrowed his eyes at me. "I could snap your neck."

"Don't be so sure, I'm pretty good at unarmed combat. I've bested bigger men than you." I stood erect and defiant. I remembered the tango-eyes I'd practiced with Zevran.

He scoffed. "You're a liar. You're a spoiled, pampered noble. A scheming traitor to your country." He went from standing and talking to leaping at me without my even sensing he was going to do it. Still, I was young and quick; I don't care how good your body looks, the years take a toll on your speed. I managed to shift to the side far enough that I didn't take the full force of his weight as he came down where I had been standing,but I did fall on the ground and he tried to grasp a limb to restrain me, but I quickly scrambled away and got up.

"Loghain! Stop!" I was ready for him this time. He was back on his feet and was moving around me. "I can prevent the civil war."

He darted at me and threw a punch at my face. I ducked under his punch and clipped him in the jaw with one of my own. It was laughably light, but at least he could see I could get through to him.

He laughed at me again. "You can stop the civil war? And how do you plan to do that?" Another blow, this one I deflected with a block. That was going to leave a bruise, if I didn't heal it.

It wasn't ideal, fighting and talking, but at least it was something. "I can..." - I danced out of the way of another punch from his massive arm - "... testify at the Landsmeet that we were late lighting the beacon. That...Oof!"

He charged me again. I was too slow, distracted by talking. He pinned me against the tree and his hand went for my throat, but he didn't squeeze. My hand went for his balls; I wrapped my hand around them, my fingernails poised to dig into them. I didn't squeeze either.

"I could crush your windpipe and watch you choke to death," he said, his face snarling down at mine.

"If you do you'll be singing soprano in the Chantry choir," I said, viciously. I flexed my fingers a tiny bit to prove my intent.

"You talk a good game, Cousland, but you're still a liar. You never bested a man bigger than me."

I moved quickly, reflexes boosted by adrenaline. My free hand peeled his hand off my neck, using his weak little finger as a fulcrum and I twisted his arm, stepping behind him. I had him in an arm lock. I pushed up on the arm until he winced.

"A Qunari warrior, in fact. Would you like to see how I did it?" I said. I didn't wait for a reply. I bent his arm until he had to bend forward or risk breaking it. He groaned with the pain. When he was low enough I put him into a choke hold. He wasn't as big as Sten, whose neck was like a tree trunk, so I wrapped one arm around his neck and cinched it tight with the other. My mouth was inches from his ear.

"Sleep well, dear Regent," I murmured into his ear, keeping the pressure on, feeling him struggle against me and then, finally, going limp and collapsing forward. I immediately let up on the pressure and put my fingers on his throat searching for a pulse. I relaxed when I felt it. I cast a healing spell on him and on myself. Then I sat next to him and waited for him to arouse. I suspected I would have his attention when he awoke.

His eyes opened not long after and they quickly focused on my face. "You could have killed me," he said matter-of-factly.

I shrugged. "Yes, but you're far more useful to this country alive. I'm hoping you'll realize that I am as well."

He looked at me with suspicion still, but he sat up. "All right. I will listen. I could still kill you, so this better be worth my while." His glare was replaced with curiosity for a moment. "How did you do that, by the way?"

I smiled slyly and shook my head. "Perhaps, if we find ourselves allied, I will share that with you, but it may be awhile before I trust you that much, I'm afraid."

"Fair enough," he said, gruffly. "Well, go on. Say what you will."

"Before you tried to kill me, I was saying that I could help you avoid a civil war. I know that some of the nobles are suspicious of you and will oppose you at the Landsmeet because they believe you abandoned the king to seize power for yourself. But I believe that you did what was prudent. I know you tried to dissuade Cailan from joining the Grey Wardens on the front lines. It was his foolish overconfidence, and his utter trust that the Grey Wardens could defeat anything they encountered, that got him killed."

I stopped for a moment and glanced at Loghain. He was looking more interested. "Go on."

"I did try to warn you about having a single point of failure with the signal, but... that's a concept that is probably new to you."

"Don't blather nonsense," he warned me.

I frowned at him, gritting my teeth in irritation. "It isn't nonsense. Making something depend on one other thing means that if that one thing fails, everything else can fail. There was a flaw in your plan, whether you wish to acknowledge it or not." I couldn't prevent the note of annoyance from creeping into my voice. "However, I'm not here to place blame on you. The Tower of Ishal was overrun with darkspawn who had tunneled up from below. Alistair and I had to battle our way to the rooftop and there was large, vicious ogre at the top. We _know_ we were late and that we missed the signal to light the beacon." I gripped Loghain's arm while I relived the moment. "I don't know what was happening on the ground, but I know from the scouting mission I was on that the horde was huge. I can well imagine that our army was inadequate to match it, not to mention that the beacon was not lit in time."

I bit my lip, thinking about what Wynne had told me, how Bendrick had been overwhelmed by a sea of darkspawn. I couldn't help the tears that stung behind my eyes for a moment. "I lost a lot in that battle, Loghain. I know damn well that you know we didn't betray the king. You know I wanted a back up signal. Would I have insisted on that if it were my intention to betray him?" I gripped his arm harder. "Would you have argued with Cailan about being on the front lines if you wanted him to die?" I watched his face and he watched mine. I didn't know how to read him, he was inscrutable to me.

"I know you're using the Grey Wardens as a scapegoat. I accept that. But the thing is, if we support you and give our version, which verifies what you say, we can prevent this civil war. People will understand you didn't grab power simply because you're power-hungry. You did it to preserve the army and lead the country against the Blight. Right now, there are people who simply won't believe that because pretty much everyone who could confirm it is either dead or part of your army and aligned with you."

Loghain sat up, keeping his eyes on me, and braced himself against a tree. "There will still be doubters," he said.

"I can bring you at least one strong ally," I said.

"Who?" he asked.

"Bann Teagan," I said. "I told him everything and he agreed he would support you even if his brother didn't."

"His brother? I doubt Eamon is going to give me any trouble."

I coughed and looked sheepishly at him. "He might, actually."

"And why is that?" Loghain scowled, his mouth hardening.

"Because we cured him of the poison you had given to him," I said.

"Maker's blood, that was foolish," he said. He rubbed his forehead with his hand, his frustration apparent.

"I rather wish I hadn't now. He's a complete royalist moron. He wants to put Alistair on the throne." I half-frowned, and shook my head. "Alistair is completely uninterested and totally unsuitable."

"What?" Loghain said, nearly sputtering. "I never thought I'd hear a Cousland saying that."

I smiled crookedly. "Don't get excited, you still haven't. But that part of story that isn't really entirely relevant to our current discussion."

He squinted at me trying to figure out what I was trying to say. "All right, so Eamon is cured and won't stand with me, but his brother will? How did you manage that?"

"Teagan is a reasonable man and my arguments were sound. He knows that our best hope is that you lead the country against the Blight and that we ally to do this together."

"He is reasonable, I'm just surprised he would stand up against his brother," Loghain said.

"People do surprising things all the time," I said. "Like us. Here we are having a civilized conversation when we were mortal enemies just minutes ago."

Loghain glared. "Don't press your luck, Cousland."

"I am sorry about Eamon. I wouldn't have wasted my time on him if I'd known he was such a royalist twit. His brother thinks Eamon just wants to control the crown with Alistair as a figurehead."

Loghain grunted. "Of course. He would have done that with Cailan if my daughter hadn't been so competent and independent."

"How much pull does Eamon have with the Landsmeet?" I asked.

Loghain frowned. "A lot, unfortunately, but Teagan does too. He's popular with the Bannorn."

"I'll do what I can to erode support for Eamon and bolster it for Teagan. Assuming, of course, that you agree to my plan."

"What do you want out of this, Cousland?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at me.

"I want to save this country, as you do. You don't strike me as the sort who really likes being in charge, but you're doing it because you feel you must. I happen to agree with you. We must keep this country united and we must fight the Blight. I am already raising allies to that end. I have Grey Warden treaties with the Dalish and the dwarves as well as the Circle of Mages. Between us both, we will have a substantial army that I hope you will lead against the archdemon."

Loghain shook his head at me. "This isn't a Blight," he grumbled, but I could hear the underpinnings of self-doubt.

"It _is_ a Blight," I said, confidently.

"How do you know?"

Alistair would be furious with me if he were here, but he wasn't. "The Grey Wardens have a number of secrets that work to their disadvantage, at least in times of Blight. They really need to throw some sunlight on their role. My task is to deal with the Blight, using whatever means I can, and if divulging a few Grey Warden secrets is necessary, then so be it." I was arguing against Alistair in my mind.

"We drink some sort of magical concoction of darkspawn blood and something else. It gives us certain abilities and has certain side-effects. One side-effect is that we dream of darkspawn and, when it has risen, the archdemon. Every Grey Warden alive in Thedas is dreaming of the archdemon. We can nearly hear it speaking, nearly understand it. Sometimes it seems like it can see us."

He looked at me warily. "What else does this concoction do?"

"It gives us a massive appetite. We put away food like teenage boys, only worse. It also allows us to sense darkspawn. There may be other things, but my Grey Warden mentors all died before they could indoctrinate us fully."

Loghain scratched his eyebrow and looked at me.

"So, Loghain. You know my proposal now. Do you accept my help and accept that we have a common goal?"

He pondered, his gaze still trying to pierce me. "I still want to know what you want in return."

"There's just one thing I must ask for, otherwise no one will believe I'm Elissa Cousland," I said.

Loghain furrowed his brow. "You _are_ Elissa Cousland."

I smiled apologetically at him. "No, not exactly, but hear out my request first. I must ask that Rendon Howe be brought to justice for what he did to Elissa's family and that you let me seek revenge."

He looked completely confused. "You _are _Elissa, why do you speak as if you aren't?"

"Answer me first. Will you let me seek revenge?" I badgered him.

"Very well, the man is completely out of control. He needs to be reined in. He was... well, he was useful for awhile, but he's unpredictable now. Associating with him isn't winning me any friends. I will allow you to challenge him to Blood Justice before the Landsmeet."

I looked at him, biting my lip. "What's that?"

That look of doubt crossed his face again. "What do you mean, "what is that"? Do you live in a cave? Blood Justice means you can duel him and the victor is assumed to be the righteous party."

I nodded. "That will do, then. So do we have a deal? Are we allies?"

He stared at me a moment longer. "Yes, if you can do all that you've promised here, we are allied." He glowered again. "But if you have deceived me in any way, you will pay for it in pain first, then death."

I held my hand out to him. "Very well." He gripped my hand in his and shook it once.

"Now, tell me what you have been hinting at." He leaned in closer to me and grasped my wrist.

"Yes, well... I'm not Elissa Cousland, entirely. Everything I have told you is the truth so far, I've just left out a piece of it." I looked down at his hand grasping my wrist. "This is going to take awhile to tell, and I'd rather not lose my hand to gangrene in the process."

He snorted with what I believe might have been amusement and let go of my wrist. "Go on."

"During the Joining ritual that makes one a Grey Warden, Elissa's mind was exchanged with mine. She woke up in the body of a ... somewhat ... older woman and I woke up in her body."

Loghain's face registered complete disbelief.

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd believe me, but hear me out. If we're going to be allied, I want you to know everything."

"Go on," he said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

"Duncan and Alistair were convinced I'd gone insane and they didn't want me to come to the meeting with you and the king, but there wasn't time to take me back to their camp. So, they took away my weapons - Just in case I was a homicidal maniac, I suppose - and told me to keep silent. I thought, when I woke up in your world, that I was dreaming." I blushed and hid a little smile behind the back of my hand. "I thought, in fact, it was a sex dream. That's why I was acting so... inappropriately. Sorry about that. I really had no idea what was going on."

Loghain just stared at me, shaking his head. I could imagine he was thinking he'd just allied himself with a raving lunatic. "A sex dream?" was all he said.

I shrugged, apologetically. "Duncan thought perhaps I was being possessed by a Fade spirit. So they had a mage do some sort of examination of me and that's when they figured out the truth of the matter. I was not possessed. My mind... my consciousness, was transplanted somehow into Elissa's body. The Grey Wardens decided that I should continue to be, for all intents and purposes, Elissa Cousland. They needed a recruit and I seemed to retain all of her training, plus my own. So they tried to stuff as much knowledge of this world into my head as they could in the two days leading up to the battle."

"Unfortunately the damage had been done from my flirtation with Cailan, and I had to spend my time dodging his advances, while trying to learn to be useful to the Grey Wardens."

Loghain blinked slowly. I could see skepticism, doubt, and distrust being written on his face. Clearly he thought I was completely barmy.

"Look, just let me finish this story before you write me off," I said.

"Go on, I haven't heard a tale this absurd in years," he said, dryly.

"So you know pretty much all that happened up until the battle. Alistair and I went to the tower, fought our way to the top, and shortly after we lit the beacon we were besieged by darkspawn. The last thing I remembered was seeing arrows lodging into my chest. I woke up some time later, miraculously not-dead, in a hovel in the Wilds. A pair of witches had rescued us from that swarm of darkspawn."

Loghain's lip curled in amusement. "_Witches_ rescued you. And Alistair too, I suppose?"

"Yes," I said, smiling, wrinkling my nose. "Sounds ridiculous. I know." I spoke very fast because there was no getting around how stupid this was going to sound. "The older witch said she turned into a very large bird and plucked us off the rooftop." I drew a deep breath and hoped he hadn't paid attention to that part, but judging from the look on his face, he had. I looked morosely at him. "Yes, yes, I know." I waved my hand helplessly. "But I can verify a lot of this story. One of the witches travels with us. The other, Flemeth, well, I assume she's still in the Wilds."

He grasped my wrist again. "Flemeth?" He looked intensely interested again, instead of just skeptical and wary.

"You've heard of her? Yes, her name is Flemeth. She rescued us somehow and then she revealed she was responsible for switching my mind with Elissa's."

The look of total disbelief had disappeared from his face and was replaced with burning curiosity. "Why?" Loghain asked.

"That was what I wanted to know. Flemeth is a seer, I suppose. She said some things about how Elissa would fail and then Ferelden and perhaps Thedas would fall. She looked around for another solution and found me, on my world. She said she knew I had a chance to succeed. Somehow she managed to exchange our minds. Elissa woke up in an older woman's body and I woke up in hers. Unfortunately, my world proved to be too much for Elissa and she died, as did my old body. So, it appears I'm stuck here and your problems are now my problems."

He released my hand and looked out over the lake. His expression looked very troubled, pensive even. I hesitated a moment, but then I put my hand on his. "What is it?" I asked.

"I met Flemeth." His eyes seemed to be looking at nothing, perhaps they were seeing events long past. "Maric and I did. Long ago. We were both incredibly young. It was shortly after we met. He was nearly dead and she healed him. She told him her prophecies." His face grew angry. "Lies! She said that I would betray him, each time worse than the last." He cut off abruptly, his eyes looking pained. "He was my friend. Whatever I did was for him, it was for Ferelden. It made him a better king. It made the kingdom secure. We drove out the Orlesians. He was a good king."

He scowled, still looking over the lake. "The old woman lied. Her last lie was that a Blight would come after Maric died." He laughed harshly. "Stupid prophecy. Of course, there are hundreds of years between Blights, it makes sense he would be dead. I could have made that prophecy and been accurate."

Is this why Loghain didn't want to believe this was a real Blight? Because if her prophecy about that was right, then perhaps he had betrayed his friend, but didn't want to acknowledge it.

I squeezed his hand and he looked at me. "Maybe she's not always right," I said, trying to put a positive spin on it. "She said she couldn't guarantee I would succeed, only that my chances were better than Elissa's. That isn't much of a prophecy, if you ask me."

He grunted. "I do know that Elissa Cousland would never have allied with me over Eamon. The Cousland's were royalists too."

"There is one other thing," I said, trepidation building up in my gut again. "Flemeth sent her daughter with me because apparently as I fell to the darkspawn, I took quite a few of them out with a very large ball of fire. It would seem I am a mage, although I had no idea of this on my world."

He looked surprised, perhaps a bit shocked.

"I'm not very good at the sort of magic most of the Circle mages learn, but... Oh hell," I held out my hand and a little flame danced into existence in the center of my palm. "Others can verify my story. Alistair, Flemeth's daughter, Wynne - from the mage tower. Almost any mage can tell, healers in particular. They'll tell you right away there's something strange about me."

Loghain rubbed his forehead. I took my hand away from his. "Is there anything else?" he asked.

"One tiny thing," I said, fidgeting a bit. "Small, really. Hardly worth mentioning."

He glared at me.

"I'm the horse you rode in on." I smiled sheepishly.

"You're Lucy?" he asked, looking alarmed. "You're a shape-changer?"

"Lucy Woodridge," I held out my hand as if I were introducing myself. "My companions call me Lucy or Lissy. They sound pretty similar. I can pass them off as nicknames for Elissa."

He took my hand tentatively, as if almost afraid of me.

"So... " I looked at him cautiously, "do you actually believe me? And are you still willing to ally with us after hearing this crazy story?"

He looked dazed. I felt a bit sorry for him. "I don't see that I have a choice. You've convinced me this is a Blight. I'm sure you're not Elissa Cousland. I am a little disappointed though."

I looked at him, arching a brow. "Oh?"

"Lucy was an excellent horse. I hadn't ever met a horse so... " He suddenly laughed. "So you did understand me all along?"

I laughed hard. "Yes, sometimes I forget myself and nod or shake my head. I nearly gave myself away, didn't I?"

"I just want one concession from you, Lucy."

"All right, ask. If I can grant it, it is yours."

"I wish to ride you again in the future. You are an excellent mount."

I laughed again. "I barely know you, Teyrn Loghain. This is quite sudden." I joked, coyly.

His face soured. "Are you flirting with me, girl?"

"You started it," I said, smiling at him.

"I trust you'll give me a ride back to the stable?" he asked, changing the subject.

I nodded. "I will, but I'm too warm. I need to cool off first." The heat of the day and our ride had left me far too warm.

I stood up and turned to the lake. I lifted my tunic up, over my head.

"What are you doing?" he sputtered, but he didn't look away.

"Going for a swim. The water looks wonderful." I skimmed off my trousers. I hesitated a moment then threw my small clothes on the pile. "Care to join me?" I asked, a small smile on my face.

He looked at me a moment without responding. He seemed like a man who thought the ground was fixed under his feet for many decades, only to learn that the ground can shift, leap, and wiggle around like gelatin. Either one enjoys finding out that the world isn't what one thought it was, or one doesn't. I wondered which camp Loghain was in. I had my answer when he stood up and took off his trousers and his smalls.

"You're in pretty good shape for your age," I said. "Would you care to race to the island in the center?"

Loghain scoffed. "For my age? I accept, Lucy. You may be young, but I have experience."

I laughed in return. "Yes, about that. I'm not exactly young. In fact, on my world I was about your age. I don't think you have anything on me, Loghain. Or at least, not as much as you think."

His eyes met mine challengingly. "Perhaps you'd like to make a wager, then?"

I smiled and met his eyes. "Very well. What should we wager?"

"A boon. Some small gift or favor," he said.

I nodded. "Are you ready?"

He nodded.

"Go!" I shouted. I ran into the water and when it got deep enough I submerged myself. It was shockingly cold, worse than the Pacific Ocean where I lived. I felt like my muscles would lock up with the cold, but I pushed myself. I adjusted to the temperature quickly and I came up to the surface to begin crawling across the lake. Loghain was powerful, but his form was inefficient and I was soon pulling out ahead of him. My teenage years on a swimming team had trained me well.

I was very nearly ready to pull well away from him when I felt a hand clamp down on my ankle I was suddenly being pulled backwards.

"Cheater!" I shouted. He let go and I floundered for a moment, trying to recover my momentum. I quickly closed the distance again. I stayed further away from him this time, taking the lead and making it to the island first.

I stood on the shore with my hands on my hips, glaring at him as he climbed out. "You are an unbelievable cheater," I scowled at him.

He laughed at me. "I play to win, Lucy. That's something you should know about me. However, you did beat me. Savor it. It won't happen again. Name your boon."

I climbed over to a large, flat rock in the sunshine and sat on it, my hands resting behind me and my legs stretched out in front of me, basking in the sunshine. I squinted at Loghain, thinking of a suitable boon. He joined me on the rock. He looked out over the water, avoiding looking at my naked body.

"So what do you demand of me?" he asked.

"I think..." I looked over at him and he met my eyes. "I think I would like a kiss."

"A kiss?" He laughed. "Why on earth do you want a kiss?"

"You didn't win the race, why are you demanding an explanation?" I said, archly. "If you must know, I find you somewhat interesting, potentially attractive. You've weathered well."

He laughed hard at that. "Your effusive flattery makes me suspicious of your motives, madam."

"Do I get the kiss? You could refuse, or course. Then I would ask you to carry me back to the stable, instead me carrying you back."

"Very well, I'll give you the kiss. But you'll have to stop talking long enough that I can deliver it."

I shut my lips and smiled.

"You didn't say where you wanted the kiss," he said, dryly, the slight crinkle at the corner of his eyes the only indication he was jesting.

I rolled my eyes. "Antiva City."

He looked at me in feigned amazement. "So you want your kiss in an exotic locale?"

Was he flirting with me? I was surprised to find he seemed to have a sense of humor. "On the lips is fine," I suggested.

"A traditionalist then?"

"Look who can't stop talking now! You'd better deliver my boon soon or one of us is going to die of old age."

He chuckled. "All right then, prepare yourself," he said, leaning over me. He came closer to my face and stopped just short of my lips.

"Oh, for Maker's sake," I grumbled. I reached behind his neck and pulled his mouth down to mine. His lips relaxed a little and I sucked on his bottom lip a moment. He did seem a little tense. Maybe he was just out of practice. I teased his lip with my tongue and his own hesitantly emerged. He nibbled at my bottom lip. The kiss was mediocre, definitely without passion. My seduction was failing. We broke apart and he looked at me as if waiting for a comment.

"That was... nice," I said, noncommittally.

"Nice?"

I shrugged, expressing my indifference to the kiss. "Yes. It reminds me of the time in high school when I kissed Billy Weissberger behind the gym because he let me copy the answers off him. I kissed him _nicely._ Unlike the time I kissed Jack Summers. That kiss was definitely not nice. But you delivered on your boon, so our deal is satisfied."

"But you are not, apparently," he growled.

"Are you? You don't strike me as the sort who does anything halfway," I challenged him with my eyes.

"Maker's blood woman, do you ever stop talking?"

I was half-sitting up, on my elbows when he leaned over me again and this time he _kissed _me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me in to him, my bare chest against his. His mouth was bruising this time and opened without hesitation. He bit my lower lip until I squirmed against him. His tongue explored my mouth, pushing my tongue out of the way. There was passion this time. His free hand went to my neck and slid to my chin, so he could turn my head how he wished. He broke away from my lips for a moment and kissed my neck, and sucked at the tender area at the top of my throat.

I sighed softly and his hand left my face and reached for a breast. He flicked at a nipple with his thumb and I arched my back and moaned. His mouth left mine. He laid me against the rock and began to suck on a nipple, pulling it with force into his mouth. It hurt but when he released it, it tingled as he fondled it with his fingers. His mouth returned to mine for a moment longer and then he pulled away. I could see he was as aroused as I was.

"Was that _nice_?" He watched my face as I answered.

"No." I smiled. "It was _not_ nice. Just as it should be."

"Was it a half-measure?"

"No. It was a full portion," I acknowledged.

"So your boon was fully granted?"

"Most fairly," I said. I cocked my head to the side and asked: "What sort of contest would I have to win to ask for another boon?"

He shook his head.

"We could just skip the contest, declare me the winner and get to the good part," I suggested. I leaned into him and tried to kiss him, but he held me away.

"I'm not making love on a rock," he grumbled.

"A pile of leaves?" I suggested, but he shook his head. "Soft grass?" He refused me again.

"A bed. I'm too old for this. I'd end up limping for a week."

"I have nothing against beds, Loghain, but yours is in a palace that is currently slightly hostile to me." I shifted uncomfortably on the rock. He was right; the rock was brutal on my behind.

"That will be fixed," he said, decisively. "I will have orders issued by tomorrow to cease hunting for the Grey Wardens and issue a pardon. I will have Howe in custody by the end of the week, he will be brought before the Landsmeet. You may challenge him then and duel him, or have a champion do it." He stood up and paced on the rock, thinking. "After Howe is in custody, you and your companions can move into his Denerim estate, until another Arl is appointed." He extended his hand to me and helped me stand. "Where are you staying?" he asked.

I laughed. "I was in your stable for the last four days, utterly bored out of my mind. I'll have to find an inn." I didn't fully trust him; I wasn't going to tell him where my companions were.

"I'll have a room made available for you at the Gnawed Noble, under the name of Lucy Woodridge. I'll come see you this evening and we can discuss our accord further." He was very business-like now.

I nodded.

"We'd better get back. They're going to start worrying sooner or later," he said.

"Right." I had finally dried off from my last swim. I wasn't looking forward to braving that ice cold water again, but I waded in and swam across at a leisurely pace. I was plenty cool when I got out of the water. In fact, I was shivering.

Loghain laughed at me when he saw me looking blue-lipped. "You got cooled off I take it?"

"D...d... do... you have a towel?" I asked, shivering.

"Towel?" He laughed. "No, I don't have a towel. I figured I'd just stick my clothes on and in this heat they'd dry off before I got back."

I began to pull on my clothes over my wet body, hoping they'd dry while I was in horse form. It was miserable having my clothes stick to me, but judging from the way Loghain's eyes swept over my body, he didn't disapprove.

"Where's the gear?" he asked.

I pointed in the direction and, when he went in search of it, I transformed.

He looked startled to see his horse again. "I guess if there was any lingering doubt, it's gone now," he said. "I just wish you did it in front of me," he said. "I'd like to see it."

I shook my head. I was very self-conscious about doing it in front of people. Only my closest companions saw me do it. It looked very strange. Not the best idea to do it in front of someone I was trying to seduce.

"I'm not sure how I like you best," he said patting my neck. "You're certainly beautiful in this form." Loghain saddled me and mounted. "And there's the added advantage that you can't talk." I whinnied a protest to that last barbed comment and he laughed.

I guess he'd had plenty of opportunity to kill me now if he wanted to. I think our understanding was genuine. I relaxed and enjoyed the ride back. I showed him my fancy Antivan trot on our trip back.

"That's nice, but I like going fast," he said.

I snorted an acknowledgment and I was soon back into a gallop. My shivering blue lips were forgotten. We thundered across the fields until we were nearly within sight of the stables. I stopped and Loghain got off and removed the tack. He was setting it down on the ground, his back turned, when I transformed back into my human form.

When he turned around he saw me standing there. "I'd rather hoped to see the process," he said.

"It's not something I like people to see," I said. "It's very odd looking. I feel self-conscious about it."

Loghain picked up my hand. "This has been a most interesting morning." He looked me in my eyes, his expression very intense.

I stood up on tiptoe and kissed him on the mouth. "It has been, Loghain. Thank you for listening to my proposal and not writing me off as completely crazy."

He grunted. His grunts seemed to be a whole vocabulary in and of itself. It might have been "you're welcome", or "my pleasure", or maybe it was an expression of annoyance at the kiss. I watched him walk away from me and I wondered how he would explain the missing horse to his Master of Horses.

When he was out of sight, I transformed into a crow. I wanted to keep that form a secret from him. I flew back to the inn where my friends were. How far could I trust Loghain? Something he had said had stuck with me. _'I play to win'_. He wasn't above cheating, poisoning an enemy, doing whatever it took to win. If what Duncan had said was authentic and not overstated, he was like a Grey Warden dealing with a Blight. He did whatever it took. I had no doubt Loghain had had far more experience applying that principle than I had.

I must have looked terrible. My clothes were horribly wrinkled, my hair was wild. It was a wonder they didn't kick me out of the inn. I found Alistair's room and knocked. He opened the door and I leapt on him, hugging him.

"It worked, Al!" I hollered. "Loghain has agreed to work with us! We'll be at the Landsmeet, explaining what happened at Ostagar. I'm going to get to duel Howe and avenge Elissa. Then we'll have use of his estate in Denerim until a new Arl is appointed."

Alistair hugged me back, laughing. "That's great news! What happened to you? You're an absolute mess."

I grinned. "Get the others and I'll explain it over a feast!" I leapt around, dancing, jiving, celebrating the fact I didn't have to be cloistered in a stable and that the plan seemed to have worked. I grabbed Alistair in an impromptu dance and spun him out of his room. "I need to bathe and change and I'll be downstairs. My packs are in your room, right?"

He nodded, a huge grin on his face. "I've never seen you so... happy!"

"Things are going our way for a change," I yelled.

Doors in the inn opened and faces peered out at us, the two lunatics dancing down the hallway.

I let go of Alistair and walked back to his room singing _"Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets"_. I shut the door on his room, still singing at the top of my lungs and filled his tub and bathed away the horse smells, hopefully for the last time in a very long time. He had soap, scented soap, I didn't even care that the scent was masculine. Anything to erase the smell of horse from my nose!

_Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets  
And little man, little Lola wants you  
Make up your mind to have  
No regrets  
Recline yourself  
Resign yourself, you're through_

_I always get what I aim for  
And your heart and soul  
Is what I came for._

**Notes: **_Just in case anyone is as ignorant about today's American slang as I am, "got back" means one is callipygian. What? That didn't help? Callipygian means one has finely-shaped buttocks_. _That slang comes from ancient Greece. If anyone appreciated fine buttocks, it was the ancient Greeks!_

_I've compiled a list of cultural references on my Dreamwidth journal. If my references to deceased movie stars, famous photographs, or modern American slang is confusing go to: zute dot dreamwidth dot org and you'll find some links, pictures, quotes and such that should help explain things.  
_


	30. The Denerim Denim Factory

**Note: **_My thanks to Biff McLaughlin for beta-reading. One day I will figure out the mysteries of the semi-colon, really. And thanks to Sleepyowlet who tells me things like how people ate during the Middle Ages_._ There's a whole scene of angst over which fork to use that is gone because there were no forks in Europe in the Middle Ages. Doh!_

_In case there are cultural references that you don't understand you'll find a guide to them at Zute dot Dreamwidth dot org - It should be the first item in the table of contents there. For instance, there's a picture of Natassja Kinski, whom I reference here._

**The Denerim Denim Factory  
**The room at the Gnawed Noble was very nice. Probably their best room. It had a huge stone tub, an enormous, comfortable bed, and even a full-length mirror, an extravagance. Zevran insisted on escorting me to my room to check for traps and poison. It was a bit like having the FBI sweep a room. Except I knew there wouldn't be any bugs, of the mechanical sort, at least. He stretched out on the bed and patted it, inviting me to join him. I lay down next to him and closed my eyes, trying to relax. Loghain would be by this evening, I had several hours to spare.

"So, did you succeed with Loghain?" Zevran asked.

"I take it you're not asking about the agreement we reached, since I already told you that."

He looked amused. "No, I'm talking about the seduction, bella."

I propped my head on my hand and looked at him. "Not entirely, no. However, I think tonight I will succeed." I sighed. "I suppose this makes me one of those... cortigiane now." I sighed. "This is stupid. Why should I believe that having sex with a man is going to render him completely malleable to my whims? The man has a brain and he wasn't born yesterday."

"Ah, this is where the training of a cortigiana comes into play. She's using her charm, intellect, and wit to win his trust and confidences. Did you not feel some sort of connection with him?" He ran his hand along my arm while we spoke.

"Yes, a little. He's so dour, but I did actually make him laugh a time or two. I think I stung his pride once or twice as well."

"Careful, some men can't deal with their pride being challenged. But you made him laugh, that's a good sign. Especially for someone like him." He looked at me curiously. "Was there any intimate contact?"

I blushed. "Perhaps," I said, evasively.

"What happened?" Zevran asked. "If I am to coach you, you should tell me."

"Coach me? Do you think I need coaching?"

Zevran shrugged. "Not everyone is as easy to seduce as I am."

"I seduced you?" I asked, surprised. "I must be more subtle than I thought," I said, wryly.

"As I said, I'm easy. Do you want my help?"

"All right... I'll tell you everything." I told Zevran everything, all the juicy details I'd left out when relaying the highly edited story over our feast at the other inn. He had me demonstrate the kisses on him.

"Hmmm... I think you did well enough. I expect tonight you'll consummate your agreement."

"Ugh! Don't say it like that. It sounds sleazy."

"You're not wearing that are you?" he looked at me critically.

I looked down at my clothes. I had on my nicest tunic and trousers. "What's wrong with this?"

"It makes you look like a boy. You need a dress."

"Oh now, I don't need to hang a sign on me that says _'I intend to fuck, Loghain'._ He would totally not go for that. He likes strong women, warriors, not courtesans, or porcelain dolls."

"Does he like boys? Because you look like a boy. No offense, Lucy, but you have an athletic figure. If it weren't for your small waist, your shapely culo, and that lovely, feminine face, you'd be mistaken for a ragazzo. That outfit does nothing to show off your assets. No, I insist, you need a dress. Perhaps nothing too extreme, but it should enhance the curves you have."

"Are you sure you aren't gay, Zev?

"I don't understand, Lucy," he complained. "You're speaking of things of your world?"

"Yes. I swear you could be on _Queer Eye_," I sighed. I just hoped he wouldn't wax my eyebrows. They were thick, but I liked them, and they certainly weren't a unibrow.

"Come on," he got up and tugged on my arm. "We're going to the market to find something suitable."

~o~o~o~

We argued over it, but he won in the end. I was going to be in a deep red gown, with a ... corset thing that would push up my underwhelming bosom. _God! What I would give for a Victoria's Secret store. _I argued that Loghain had already seen me naked, so there was no hiding the fact he knew I wasn't generously endowed. There was no convincing Zevran, so I ended up conceding in the end. The gown really did show off my small waist, but a pair of tight jeans would have done more for my _culo_, as Zevran called my ass.

After this damn Blight was over, I was going to have someone make some jeans for me. But first, I'd need to invent denim. What the heck was denim anyway? It was another of my post-Blight fantasies; I'd open the Denerim Demin factory and clad the butts of all Fereldans in comfortable, long-lasting jeans that never wrinkle. Funny how so many of my post-Blight fantasies involved my posterior. I was going to invent flush toilets, toilet paper, and now jeans.

Zevran also bought scented soaps and bath oils for me. I drew the line at perfume. I was not going to wear perfume. I didn't need to smell like a whore, even if I was going to act like one.

We ran into Alistair in the market district just as we were finishing up. I had told him that Loghain and I were meeting privately tonight, but not what I expected the outcome of that meeting would be. I wondered what Alistair would say if he knew I was sleeping with Zevran, his uncle and, possibly, Loghain. Can one get kicked out of the Grey Wardens for rampant promiscuity?

"Lissy! What did you get?" Alistair asked, looking curiously at all the packages Zevran and I were carrying.

"Oh, just some nicer clothes for my meeting with the Regent. Zevran thought my tunic and trousers wouldn't be appropriate."

"It makes her look like a boy, don't you think?" Zevran asked.

"I doubt Loghain cares if she looks like a boy or not," Alistair said. "He wouldn't care, would he? You're a Grey Warden. You should wear your armor and weapons, maybe even that helm with wings. That would look impressive."

"Oh! Good idea, Al! Perhaps I'll do that after all," I lied. "So what brings you to the Market District?"

"I wanted to find you, actually. I would like to see my sister, but I was hoping you'll come with me."

"Of course! I'd love to meet your sister. Let's drop this stuff off at my room, and then we can go." We were close to my inn so we dropped off our packages. Zevran wanted to make a few more purchases; I didn't want to inquire into their nature while Alistair was with us. So Zevran gave Alistair some bundles to carry and we dropped them off. He did catch onto the fact that one bundled smelled rather fragrant. He sniffed it conspicuously.

"What's in here?" he asked. "It smells nice."

"Oh, just some soap, I think; maybe some bath things that smell good."

He looked at me with a blank expression. "You're going to lug those in your back pack so we don't offend the darkspawn with our aroma?"

"Al! I'm a woman and sometimes I like to smell nice. No, I won't be taking them with us. I'll use them here, since we're stuck in Denerim for awhile. At least I can smell pretty here." I smiled, trying to look innocent, not like the complete slut I felt like.

"Let's go see your sister!" I grabbed his arm and escorted him out of my room.

~o~o~o~

Alistair was so eager to meet his sister; it was touching how excited he was. Unfortunately, the visit didn't turn out so well. His sister was a complete shrew. The only interest she had in him was how much money he would give her. We did give her a generous amount because it did look like she had a tough life, but she complained it wasn't enough. Her sharp tongue was flaying him alive. I ended up giving her a piece of my mind and herding Alistair out of there.

"Al, I'm sorry. Family isn't always everything it's cracked up to be," I said, hugging him. "I'm your family now." I patted him on back. "Everyone is out for themselves. You need to learn that." That sounded very harsh to my ears. "I mean, her concern is providing a comfortable life for her children and herself. She probably doesn't think too far outside of that goal about anyone else's concerns."

"I suppose you're right," he said, pulling away from me. He was clearly upset.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.

"No, not right now. You'd better get ready for your meeting with Loghain."

I nodded. "Let's talk tomorrow. I'll tell you how the meeting went."

~o~o~o~o~

Zevran helped me get ready. I was glad he was there; I really wasn't sure how to put the corset thing on. Then I saw what else he had purchased, lacy under things and rouge.

"Oh Jesus, Zev. I can't wear these. It'll look like I'm planning to seduce him!"

"That is not so bad, is it?"

"Yes! Subtlety is necessary. I'll wear my usual smalls, and I'm not wearing rouge. Forget it!" I stuck to my guns and he gave up eventually.

I bathed, washed my hair, and dressed with Zevran's help putting on that corset thing. I tied my hair back at my nape with a black ribbon, nothing too fancy and yet all the rusty, red curls looked nice.

I looked at myself in the big, silvered mirror. I still felt misplaced when I looked at myself. Perhaps if I did it more often I'd get used to it. Zevran pulled a lock of hair free on either side of my face. I was just getting ready to send Zevran off when there was a knock on the door.

"Message for you, miss," a voice said through the door.

Zevran hid out-of-sight, just in case it was trouble. I opened the door and a servant handed me a message on a silver salver. I took the message and thanked the servant. I wondered if I was supposed to tip him, but he disappeared without word.

I sat down by the window and read the message. "Loghain, is coming in an hour. He's having supper brought for us."

"Ah, a romantic supper alone with you. This is promising," Zevran said.

"It's practical. He wants to talk over dinner, that's all it is," I said, feeling the butterflies coming back into my stomach.

Zevran caught my hand and pulled me over to the mirror. He stood behind me. "Look at you, mia cara, you're beautiful, and that man saw you in all your naked glory today. There's nothing practical about this." His hand ran down my neck and into my bodice, rubbing his fingers over a nipple. "If he doesn't satisfy you, my dear, come and wake me up." He kissed my neck and left.

Somehow Zevran always knew the exact right thing to say that would make me feel like a complete tramp. _Who am I kidding? I am a complete tramp. I'm whoring myself for the Blight. Duncan had it all wrong, I shouldn't have slept with the king, he was already a fan, it was Loghain we needed to win over. _I went to the bookcase in the room and looked for something that would occupy me for an hour.

_The Hero of River Dane. _A book about Loghain. I would have to read it at some point. However, I got the impression the title annoyed him, so I left it on the shelf. _A History of Ferelden._ That one looked interesting. I pulled it off the shelf and curled up in a comfortable chair and conjured a light to read by. It was much too warm to have a fire in the fireplace. I read for ten minutes and fought against my eyelids closing. Finally I just gave up and closed my eyes for a moment.

I was awoken by a knock on my door. I leapt out of the chair, my heart racing, and put the book aside, straightening my dress. I went to the door and opened it. Several servants came in bearing shiny trays of food. They put them down on the table in my room. A bottle of wine was opened and poured into two goblets. One servant went around the room lighting the oil lamps and candles.

"Do you want a fire, madam?" he asked me.

"Oh, no thanks. It's too hot for that." The evening was still quite warm after the heat of the day.

The room was still a bit dark even with the candles and lamps lit.

The clomping of armored feet on the floor drew my attention to the door. A pair of armed guards stopped just outside and someone dressed in a heavy cloak, with the hood pulled up, came into my room. Judging from his height, it had to be Loghain. He must not have wanted to be noticed in the inn, thus the cloak.

"Teyrn Loghain," I said, swallowing hard. My butterflies were back. "Let me take your cloak."

He pulled back the hood and looked at me, his face revealing nothing but that slightly sour look he always wore. He swept off the cloak and handed it to me. I draped it over a chair.

"You look..." he gestured at me. "…different."

I put my hand on my waist and looked at him. He was dressed nicely, but not ostentatiously. Sort of like I'd imagine a country gentleman would dress; soft leather trousers, a shirt with loose sleeves and a doublet over that. He also wore sexy, tall, black boots.

"You look different too," I said. "Less naked." I couldn't help the little half-smile that escaped my self-control along with my cheeky remark.

A servant entered the room and held my seat for me at the table, then for Loghain. He started to wait on us, but Loghain shooed him away.

"I think we're old enough we can serve ourselves. Shut the door," he grumbled as the servant left.

"Should we toast our historic peace accord?" I asked.

He picked up his wine glass, as I did.

"To the historic peace summit at Lake Naked Regent," I said, clinking my glass against his.

"I recall there being a naked Grey Warden there, too."

"This one might be censored out of the history books, I suppose. It's a shame, history can be so dull."

He nodded. "True, the best parts are usually left out." He looked at me. "Eat, warden, the food is going to cool. I seem to recall you claimed you had an enormous appetite."

"I was being polite and waiting for you to start."

Loghain grunted. I think it was a grunt of impatience. Loghain got his eating knife and ruthlessly speared half a hen and plopped it on my plate. "Just eat, I don't care about your bloody manners."

Maybe I couldn't trust Loghain any further than I could spit a rat, but I appreciated his folksy sensibilities. I looked down at the hen. It smelled divine. It wasn't hay, clover, or oats. I was in heaven! I wasn't clear on manners in this society. There was a very limited selection of cutlery, no fork. I had friends back on earth who could neatly clean a piece of chicken off the bone with a fork and a knife, but I nearly always had to resort to fingers. I tried to be somewhat mannerly, but hunger took over and I was soon ripping the flesh off the bird with my teeth, holding onto a hot, greasy leg with my fingers.

I looked up at Loghain once or twice and he looked amused at my feeding frenzy.

"I usually have more restraint than this," I said around a mouthful of food, "but this is really good."

He piled some potatoes on my plate with something that looked like roasted squash and a hunk of bread. "I like a girl with a healthy appetite," he said. He ate at a slower, more deliberate pace than I did.

"Are you really my age?" he asked me finally.

I nodded. "Yes. If you were from my world we could reminisce about all the things the young people today know nothing about. We'd complain about the music they listen to. You'd be appalled by the way young men wear their trousers." I nearly choked on my food thinking about that and it made me laugh. "Perhaps you wouldn't complain so much about how the young women dress." I smiled at him.

"Hmmm, perhaps things don't change so quickly here. Only the wealthiest can afford the latest fashions. Some of the matrons think the younger women are showing too much bosom. The Grand Cleric lectures about it from time to time."

"What is your opinion of the bosom controversy?" I asked.

"I have no opinion on the matter, just so long as it isn't my daughter exposing herself. Not that she would. Anora is a sensible woman. Far to savvy to be lured by outrageous Orlesian fashions."

"I am rather ignorant of fashions on your world. Is this dress too revealing?" It showed a moderate amount of cleavage. Not enough to make the cover of _Cosmopolitan _magazine, but certainly there was some exposure of my bumpier features.

Loghain picked up his wine glass and drank; I'm sure so he could avoid answering me until he thought of something to say. "It's fine," he said, tersely.

"So, this is something you wouldn't mind Anora wearing?" I asked.

He growled in his throat. "I didn't say that. It would be unsuitable for her."

"But not for me?"

"I said I have no opinion." He gave me a look that clearly said he wasn't going to say another word on the topic.

We were running dangerously low on food on the table and I was still hungry. I was eyeing the last of the root vegetables, but unwilling to take them. I don't think he had had any. He must have seen that I was still hungry.

"Are you still hungry?" he asked, disbelievingly.

I nodded. "It's awful. Sometimes I can eat three times what a normal person can. Between the two of us, Alistair and I consume a massive quantity of food. We have to spend a lot of time hunting. We could make much better progress if we didn't have to spend so much time finding food."

"You should have a wagon. We can send barrels of preserved meat and vegetables with you," Loghain suggested. He got up and stepped outside for moment and spoke to someone. "They'll bring more food, more wine too."

"Thank you. We considered a wagon, but thought a horse might be spooked by darkspawn and run off with our stuff. I'd rather not have to pull a wagon all day myself."

"You need an ox. They're too stupid to run, and if they do they don't run very fast or far."

"Oh?" I nodded, enthusiastically. "That sounds like a great idea."

"What's your plan for contacting your allies?" Loghain asked.

"Well, I've heard the Dalish might be found not too far away. In the Brecilian forest?"

Loghain nodded. "That's where I encountered them, years ago. They were very hostile to humans, you should know."

I was concerned about that. "I hope they'll honor the treaty they've had with the Grey Wardens for centuries. Do you know much about them, other than their hostility to humans?"

Loghain told me what he knew. They were nomadic, the remnants of a once powerful elvish kingdom, of long-lived elves. The Dalish elves were trying to recapture the lost knowledge of their ancestors while the city elves were merely trying to make a go of it in a human world.

"Perhaps Zevran can smooth the way," I suggested.

"Zevran..." Loghain mused. "That name is vaguely familiar."

I nearly choked on my wine with laughter. "Hmmm, it should. You hired him to kill us."

"Ah! The Antivan Crow?"

I nodded. "He failed, by the way."

"Well... good. It seems to have worked out all right. These Crows don't live up to their reputation."

"Or perhaps we're better than anyone expected."

"True. He's traveling with you now? How did you woo him away from the Crows?"

"He wanted to escape the Crows, so he threw himself on our mercy and swore his allegiance in return for protection from the Crows, should they come looking for him. It has worked out. He's an excellent fighter."

Loghain looked concerned. "How do you know he won't just finish the job?"

"Because he hasn't. He's had plenty of opportunity. I think he actually prefers to be with us and take his chances with the archdemon rather than to face his old masters."

Loghain grunted. I thought he looked impressed.

"It's unlikely he'll be of any help with the Dalish. They view city elves contemptuously, as _flat ears_."

I frowned. "They can't catch a break, can they? Humans call them _knife ears_ and other elves call them _flat ears_. It all seems rather ridiculous, to me, an outsider." I wondered how Loghain felt about elves. Did he hold the prejudices humans seemed to have? "What about you, Loghain? How do you feel about elves?"

He shrugged. "I am sorry they choose to live like they do in the alienages. They could improve their lot, but they don't."

I looked at him, suddenly liking him less than I had. "Are you sure? Is it so easy to escape the cycle of poverty, especially when the people in charge think of you as little better than slaves? Servants at best?"

He grunted and looked at me warily. "You sounded remarkably like my late wife, just then."

"It sounds like your wife was a sensible, compassionate woman. Has she been gone long?" I asked.

He looked at me for a moment without saying anything then he nodded. "She died when Anora was very young. Twenty years now."

"I'm sorry for your loss." I wondered how he had felt about his wife. Did he miss her? Had there been other women?

"What about you?" Loghain asked. "Did you leave behind a family and husband when you were sent here?"

I shook my head. "No, I never married or had children." I had an elderly Siamese cat. I thought fondly of Indy. I suspect he didn't survive long after I disappeared. He had a host of illnesses. He was an awesome cat with a loving, easy-going temperament who loved nothing more than to cuddle with me on the sofa for hours at a time. And eat... he definitely had a Grey Warden appetite.

"You never married? Did you take vows of some sort?"

I laughed. "No vows. I'm not a religious woman. People are different on my world. Women don't necessarily feel compelled to get married or raise families. Sometimes they become business people, scholars, dilettantes. For whatever reason, they don't always marry."

"What was your reason?" Loghain asked.

"I wanted to pursue my career. I was afraid a family would take too much away from that." I shrugged. "I had friends, social activities, hobbies, and lovers. I wasn't lacking for interesting and satisfying things to do in my life."

He looked at me with curiosity. "So you didn't feel like you missed anything?"

"Oh, of course I felt like I missed things. How can you go through life without feeling like perhaps the road not taken might have been a better choice? But it's useless to ponder and fret over that. Make your choices and make the best of them. That's always been how I operate."

Loghain smiled at me, with a warmth I hadn't seen before. "Sensible," was all he said.

The new food arrived and the table was cleared of the remains of our prior repast. Loghain chased the servants away when they tried to serve us and he piled something on my plate.

"Shepherd's pie," he said. "Do you like it?"

"If it's food, I like it." I dug into it and moaned with delight. Potatoes were so damn good. With the thick, meaty gravy they were insanely good. I washed it down with a healthy quaff of wine. "This is really excellent, though."

Loghain watched me eat, smiling at my apparent joy over the food. It seemed like he had relaxed during our supper. I got nearly to the bottom of the dish containing the shepherd's pie when I realized I was finally getting full.

"Ooof," I said. I patted my mouth with the napkin and set down my knife. "I think the bottomless pit is finally full."

"You didn't save room for pie?" he asked.

"Pie?" My eyes lit up.

"Berry pie. Can you fit some in?"

"I can always fit pie in," I said.

Loghain got up again and talked to the servant waiting outside. Before long pie was brought in. It was stuffed with a tangy, sweet berry. I was reminded of boysenberries. Such memories! I took a forkful and shut my eyes and sighed happily. _Blackberry picking in Oregon on summer vacations. Boysenberry pie at Knotts Berry Farm. My own boysenberries I grew at my first house._ A wave of nostalgia passed over me.

"What are you thinking, Lucy?" he asked me.

"I'm just remembering things from my past. The sweet, tartness of berries picked during happy times." I washed down the bite of pie with more wine. "Do you have any memories like that?" I asked.

He smiled wistfully. "Of course. My family had a farm. We grew berries there. Every summer I ate enough of them to get sick. Mother baked pie and cobblers. The smell of baking pies would waft outside and lure me in. I would pester her until she banished me outside again."

I smiled at him. "This is why we do it, isn't it? The hard choices and sacrifices we make, so others may have memories of berry pies."

He put down his fork and looked at me with something different in his eyes. I reached out for my wineglass, but his hand grasped mine. "Lucy, you wanted to ask another boon of me this morning. Ask it now."

I looked into his eyes and saw they were burning with an intensity I hadn't seen before.

"Make love to me." My voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. I was at war with myself. Did I want him? Yes, a part of me did, but I had spoken truly when I said we do what we must so others may have the memories we had. This was duty and desire to me. What was it to him?

He rose from the table, his hand still grasping mine, pulling me to him. He stepped over to the door and shot the lock. His mouth came down on mine without any of the hesitation of the first kiss we'd shared. His hand went to my throat, like it had earlier in the day when he was about to throttle me, but now it raised goosebumps on my arms. His other arm wrapped around my waist and held me close to him. I could feel his erection pressing against me already.

I pushed away his insensitive comments about the elves and focused on him; on his smell, his taste, the strength of the hand on my throat, the powerful arm around my waist, the taste of berries and wine, the scent he wore, and the scent that was him. My hands went to the sides of his face into his hair. I sucked on his bottom lip and licked the top one and his tongue sought out mine.

We broke apart for a breath and his eyes looked into mine intensely, then raked down my throat to my breasts and back up to my eyes. "You're sure about this?" he asked. "You still look like a young girl, whatever you claim your age is."

My hand trailed down his throat, his chest, his belly and down the length of his erection. I narrowed my eyes. "I'm no innocent, Loghain. I asked for what I wanted. Is this what you want?" I wondered if perhaps he was having doubts.

"I... There hasn't been anyone since Celia," he said. "It's been awhile."

"Let's slow down. If you're not ready..."

"It's not that. Maker's blood!" he swore. "You can see how much I want you, how desirable I find you. I'm just afraid I might not have control."

I smiled. "That's not such a tragedy," I said. "If our first time isn't exactly perfect, then we'll just have to practice, over and over again until we get it right." I moved my mouth right next to his ear and said, "Practice makes perfect."

He moaned. I thought perhaps he might actually be on the verge and we hadn't even undressed. He would be embarrassed to come before we were even properly naked. I thought quickly. I pushed him back toward the chair behind him.

"Sit!" I ordered him. He sat with a look of surprise on his face. I quickly unfastened his belt and unlaced his trousers and pulled his erection free and immediately took him into my mouth. I think only my unexpected order, and the speed at which I worked, kept him from spilling because he was no sooner in my mouth than he was pressing on the back of my head and flexing his hips, burying himself into my throat, coming and shouting.

A moment later someone was pounding on the door. "My lord!" a voice yelled, "Are you all right?"

"Your guards?" I asked him.

His eyes were slowly refocusing. "Maker's fucking..." he swore under his breath. "Yes!" he called out. "I'm fine." He stuffed himself back in his trousers, buckled his belt and stood up. "I'll be right back," he said, and he stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him. I heard him talking loudly with the guards outside.

While he was out there I undressed. I laid down on the bed, on top of the covers, on my side. I posed myself like Nastassja Kinski sans serpent. I heard the guards clomping off down the hall and Loghain came back inside the room, looking around for a moment, until he saw me on the bed.

"Maker...I'm sorry about... well..."

I smiled. "I'm flattered that you find me that desirable." I patted the side of the bed. "Sit."

He sat beside me and I took his hand in mine. "I'll show you how desirable I find you," I ran his hand through my folds where a considerable amount of arousal had pooled, then up against my most sensitive spot. I rubbed our co-joined hands against myself and threw back my head and moaned. My hand let go of his and his fingers continued to rub me.

Something told me Loghain wasn't just out of practice; he hadn't ever really explored a woman's body. I took charge and I think he was grateful for it. I showed him where to touch me, how hard, how fast, how many fingers to use and where to direct them. He was rough around the edges, but he seemed to take enjoyment out of pleasuring me. When I climaxed, pulling at his hair and thrashing under him, his eyes watched me with fascination.

He lay next to me on the bed, still completely dressed, but he was hard again. I kissed his neck and throat and began to unfasten his doublet. "More practice?" he asked, his voice a low, pleasing rumble.

"Yes, that was just the warm-up. We have yet to spar." I continued to unfasten his doublet and removed it. Then I pulled his shirt off, over his head. At last, the chest I had been admiring that morning was before my fingers. I sat up and ran my fingers over his chest, following the scars, watching his face. "You're put together very nicely," I said. "How did you manage to fend off the women for that long?"

"I stayed away from court. I never gave the scheming courtiers an opportunity to get their claws into me." He stood up and removed his boots, trousers and smalls. He lay down and I climbed on top of him. I could feel his eagerness pressing against my bottom.

"I don't want to get you with a bastard," Loghain said.

"It's not likely," I reassured him, "Grey Wardens are pretty much infertile. Something about the tainted blood. It can happen, but I've be assured it's extremely unlikely." I put my hand over my mouth. "Oops, another Grey Warden secret sneaked out."

"Hmmm," Loghain rumbled dubiously. "I'll have some contraceptive tea delivered tomorrow."

I leaned over Loghain, my ass rubbing against his erection, and kissed him sensuously. "Would you like to try, and fail, to impregnate me?"

He grunted in response. This one I'm pretty sure meant '_hell yes'_.

I guided him into me; my eyes on his face watching his expression. He drew his breath sharply as I settled down on him. He was generously proportioned and it took me a moment to adjust. I moved slowly, rocking my hips. His hands went to my breasts and toyed with my nipples. I put my fingers on myself and rubbed slowly. He was staring at the point where we joined, watching me impale myself on him and finger myself. I kept up the slow pace and could see the sweat popping out on his brow. It was not enough to bring him to his crisis, I was going to enjoy myself. I closed my eyes and leaned back on one hand.

Suddenly Loghain wrapped his arms around me and flipped me on my back. He wrapped my legs around his waist and plunged into me. He took me brutally, driving towards his own completion. It brought out my competitive nature. He wasn't going to come and leave me unfulfilled, _dammit_. I wedged my hand in between us and sought my pleasure. It wasn't working.

I thought of Teagan and the nights with the book. _No good. _I thought of Zevran in the stables. _Nada._ I was just ... _there_... hanging by a thread. Loghain was about to get his jollies and I wasn't. I thought of Bendrick (for the first time in weeks, I was ashamed to admit) and how he could shock me into an orgasm in seconds. Almost without even thinking I gathered my power, using the techniques of fine control Wynne had taught me, and I sent a tiny jolt from my finger into myself.

I muffled my yell into Loghain's shoulder. My channel walls clenched around Loghain and that sent him over the edge. He cried out my name and thrust wildly into me a few more times and then froze for a moment. He collapsed on top of me and our hearts raced in a complicated rhythm against one another. Loghain's face was buried in my neck. I could feel something wet rolling down my neck, sweat I assumed.

He finally rolled off me and stared at the ceiling. I propped myself up on an elbow and looked at him. It hadn't been sweat I'd felt, it had been tears. I wiped them off his face and looked at him wondering about their source.

He met my eyes briefly and looked away. "This just felt like a betrayal to Celia. Ridiculous, I know. It has been twenty years."

I shook my head. "No, it's not. I know how it feels to lose someone. When you finally move on, whenever it happens, it does feel like a betrayal." I paused a moment. "You know, on my world there was a practice where the wives of an important man would immolate themselves on his pyre to prove their love. I'd like to think the loved one I lost wouldn't require that from me. They'd want me to continue living, but hold their memory dear."

Loghain pulled me close to his side and kissed me. "We didn't actually discuss much tonight, did we? I still want to know your plans, what you need to complete raising your allies. What you intend to say at the Landsmeet. I'll come by tomorrow, same time. My steward will arrange dinner, and you can tell him what to serve. I wouldn't want to leave you half-starved, again."

It was amazing how quickly he could change gears, mourning his wife one second, organizing another rendezvous the next.

"Can you stay?" I asked.

"Alas, no. They'll start to ask too many questions if I don't return. I don't think either one of us can really afford to linked together like this. We need to be discrete." He paused a moment and kissed my forehead. "Assuming that you want this to continue?"

I smiled and kissed him, relieved he wanted to hide our affair. "I do want it to continue. Besides, we still need more practice. We haven't quite attained perfection yet."

"But it was not a bad start, was it?"

"You're an apt student. You show promise. If you apply yourself diligently, I think you will excel." I smiled at him mischievously.

He kissed me again, lingering over it. "Good. I always did like making my teachers happy." He swung his legs out of bed and started to dress, looking at me the entire time he did as if he were burning my image on his brain.

When he was dressed, I put his cloak over his shoulders and fastened it. I pressed a kiss to his lips. "Goodnight, Loghain," I said.

"Sleep well, Lucy." He kissed me quickly on the side of my face and left.

I heard his boots striking the floor down the hall. I locked the door and leaned against it. I was so confused. He was such a contradiction of hard and soft. He was loyal, even sentimental, and yet possessed a brutal pragmatism I could scarcely comprehend.

I was reasonably certain I had captured a tiger by its tail.


	31. The Generalissimo

**__****Note: **_Thank you, Biff, for the beta-read! Thanks to everyone for the reviews. I appreciate the feedback very much and it brightens my day!_

**_The Generalissimo_****  
**  
I was surprised by the little basket of berries placed on the table in my room the next day. Even more surprising was the note that came with them.

_Perhaps we're not too old for more fond memories of berries._

_LMT_

It left me stunned for a moment. It was such a lovely sentiment and from a man I suspected didn't spend much time thinking about his future beyond planning his next move. I picked up a berry and put it into my mouth. The burst of tangy sweetness made me sigh. I sat down. I needed to think.

What if I was being cleverly manipulated? Maybe Loghain wasn't the one being seduced here. The idea didn't really seem to fit with the image I'd formed of him in my mind. He was the archetype of a general: harsh, direct, stern, stoic. There was nothing to indicate he possessed that sort of subtlety off the battlefield. If this were genuine then he must really like me. If not... what was his goal?

A knock on the door jarred me from my thinking which was beginning to become circular and very confusing. Zevran and Alistair came into my room before I could even open the door. I swept the card off the table hoping to conceal it from Alistair.

Alistair's eyes went directly to the berries. "Ummmm, berries."

"Help yourself. They are delicious." Alistair looked hungry, but he always did. I probably did too. Any time there was food around it claimed my attention. If there was glazed ham around while we battled the archdemon, we would be lost.

Zevran picked up a bag of tea sitting next to the berries. I'd been so preoccupied with the berries and the note, I hadn't even noticed it. He sniffed it once and set it down with a wry smile on his face. Zevran dropped something and bent down to pick it up. I felt his hand brush against my ankle and I knew he had picked up the card. He must have seen me hide it when they walked in.

"I'll get some hot water for tea, Lucia," Zevran said, walking down the hall towards the kitchen.

"Lissy, I was thinking about what we talked about yesterday. You're right. I should stand up for myself more," Alistair said, after Zevran had gotten out of hearing range.

I beamed at Alistair. "Good! I completely agree. Women find that sort of confidence very irresistible." I was thinking of Kaitlyn and hoping I could get Alistair together with her again before too long.

Zevran came back with the pot of hot water and another variety of tea. He prepared my tea with the herbal mixture that he had sniffed earlier. "Tea, Alistair?" Zevran asked.

"Sure. I'll have what Lissy is drinking."

"Amico, I think you might like this other blend better." He handed the other sack to Alistair to smell.

"I think you should try the other blend, Al. This one is medicinal, for women... for women things."

"Oh! Right, I'll have the other sort. So, how did your meeting go with Loghain?"

"Ah! It went well. I discussed our plan to find the Dalish next. I also told him about how much time we have to spend hunting and preparing food and he's agreed to give us a cart filled with food and an ox to pull it. Then we should be able to make better time."

"You're sure you can trust him, Lissy? I'm sure he'd turn on us in a heartbeat if he thought it would be to his advantage," Alistair said.

"No, I think he's solidly with us, Al. We're the key to raising the allies and winning over the Landsmeet. He isn't going to risk that."

Zevran nodded. "It sounds like Lucy has cemented this alliance. There is nothing to worry about, Alistair. Loghain is putty in her hands." He winked at me when Alistair wasn't looking.

We spent most of the day doing a variety of jobs for the Blackstone Irregulars, the Mages Collective, the Guild of Strangely Obscure Hooded Couriers, even for Sergeant Kylon; whose name sounded like a brand of spray paint. I wondered if he came in Day-Glo Orange.

As we walked around the city looking for hooded couriers or hoodless hoodlums, Zevran kept giving me curious looks. He was burning to know the details of my night with Loghain. There wasn't any opportunity to tell him since we weren't alone; besides, his growing impatience was amusing.

We were trudging through another alley when Zevran pointed to something behind us. "I think you dropped something back there, Lucy."

I turned around and walked back to what he was pointing at. It was one of my daggers. Odd, how does one of my daggers just unsheathe itself and drop like that? I was puzzling over it when I heard a crashing sound. A portcullis that separated the alley into two parts came crashing down leaving Zevran and I on one side and the rest of the group on the other. I was suspicious... was that one of Zevran's daggers stuck into the wooden beam behind the rope that holds up the portcullis? He must have thrown it to sever the rope.

"Oh no! It looks like the rope broke," Alistair said. "We could try to lift it while you two climb under."

"No thank you, amico, I don't fancy being impaled by those spikes if it should happen to slip out of your grasp. We'll walk around the other way and meet you at the Pearl." Zevran smiled and waved as they turned and walked on.

I walked over to the beam and pulled out his dagger and handed it to him. "You just couldn't wait, could you?" I chided him.

"No, mia cara. You are a cruel woman, keeping me in suspense like this." He pulled me by the arm to a flight of stairs. "Sit. Dimmi tutto". (Tell me everything)

"Oh, let's go. We can talk later." I couldn't resist the urge to tease him further. He looked like he was about to spontaneously combust with his curiosity.

"Brasca! Sit and talk or I will torture it out of you." His hand crept to an open spot in my armor and poked into a ticklish spot. I shrieked and leapt away, or tried to, but his free hand grabbed my arm and the other dug into my side, provoking uncontrollable laughter, shrieking, and bringing me dangerously close to losing bladder control.

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" I cried. "Uncle! I will tell you. Stop!"

"Tsk, tsk, you're so easy to crack. You'd make an awful Crow."

"Oh right! Thanks for reminding me, I can just fly over that closed gate."

Zevran moved suddenly, fingers poised to attack again and I howled, "Just kidding! I'm talking. What do you want to know? Anything! Name, rank and serial number? Who I work for? I'll tell you it all, just no more tickling."

"I want to know what happened last night with the generalissimo."

"We had a nice dinner and we talked about what I told you and Alistair."

Zevran tapped his foot with irritation. "Lucy...I'm warning you."

"Yes, Ricky?" I giggled, thinking of episodes of _I Love Lucy. _Zevran as Ricky Ricardo? It could work.

Zevran made another sudden lurch at me and I found myself back on topic. I told him about the night in all the detail I could, but I left out the part about Loghain's tears. Somehow I didn't feel right talking about that.

"So what do you think?" I asked.

He handed me the note he'd picked up off the floor. "I think you have succeeded."

"Have I?" I mused. "What if he's playing me?"

Zevran snorted. "That game is not one soldiers understand, bella. True, he might suspect you, but his desires will out vote his suspicions sooner or later. What is your goal in all this?"

"I want to make certain he doesn't double-cross us, or do something that will keep us from fighting the Blight, or completely piss off the Landsmeet and cause the country to fracture."

"When do you see him next?"

"Tonight. I'm going to have to come up with another reason to disappear. I'm not sure how long I can keep Alistair fooled."

Zevran pondered a moment. "I can keep him busy tonight, but you might need to tell him. It'll be better than if he finds out on his own."

I nodded. "That's true. I suppose the melt-down would be less... disastrous."

"What is the worst that can happen? You two are stuck working together to solve this Blight, you might not be on good terms, but that sometimes happens with colleagues. Just keep your relationship with him professional."

My stomach sank. The last two Grey Wardens in Ferelden and we might be coolly distant with each other? I must have looked depressed at the thought.

Zevran took my hand and patted it. "Lucia, mia bella, you have always said you'd make any sacrifice for this goal, no? We all have. What has Alistair sacrificed? A fantasy of getting revenge on a man he hated. Pfft! He hasn't sacrificed nearly what I have, or you."

I looked at Zevran. "What did you sacrifice?"

"My passionate nights with you so that you can bed another man," he said, his face looking comically tragic. "It's best to come to a feast hungry, as they say."

I laughed but I was happy he understood. If I was with one man exclusively it was still monogamy, right? I needed to cling to whatever shred of pride I could.

I stood up and dusted off my armor. "We'd better get going. They're going to send out a search party for us."

"One moment, Lucia, there's something on your mouth."

I rubbed at my mouth. "What?"

"My lips," he said. He leaned in close and kissed me passionately. I closed my eyes and got completely swept up in it; feeling guilty yet enjoying it far too much to stop.

"I thought you said you had given this up?" I said.

"Satisfying your appetite, yes. But whetting it? I'm merely doing the generalissimo a favor, no?"

~o~o~o~

Loghain came to my room at the inn, locked the door, and kissed me fiercely. His fingers fumbled at my dress until he got it off, swearing under his breath at its complexity. I backed up to the bed, unfastening his doublet, sliding it off his shoulders and then pulling his shirt over his head.

Neither of us spoke more than a word or two. It was done with silent urgency, broken by his swearing, my moans, and the occasional sharp intake of breath. He had forgotten nothing since yesterday and he saw to my pleasure before his own with, if anything, even more interest than he had yesterday. He wasn't the polished, experienced lover that Zevran was, but what he lacked in sophistication he made up for by making me feel utterly possessed. It was his size and the intensity of his personality. When those enormous, calloused hands closed on either side of my face and he looked into my eyes as if searching for an answer to a question there, I felt like I had just confessed my deepest secret to him.

We lay tangled together afterward, our hearts slowing and the sweat evaporating, when my stomach gave an embarrassingly loud grumble. "We forgot dinner," I said. "The food will be cold."

"I'm a soldier. I'm used to it."

We ate dinner, which was cold, but the temperature of food means little to a hungry Grey Warden. We discussed my plans to see the dwarves and Loghain told me about his meeting dwarves and how they helped with the rebellion. He admired them greatly and looked forward to fighting with them again. He promised to give me some copies of maps that would help on our journey.

This evening he stayed a little longer. We sat together on the divan and drank some Antivan brandy he had brought. He told me about the battle that nearly broke the rebellion and how Maric made him promise he'd never sacrifice an army for him again. No man was worth sacrificing hundreds of soldiers.  
He left again before it was very late. This time I felt a warm contentment that I hadn't felt the night before. Maybe it was the brandy.

_~o~o~o~_

I brought breakfast up to Alistair's room the next morning. I knocked on his door and got no response. I knocked a bit louder and heard a groan and a thump that sounded like he fell out of bed. There was some swearing and a dragging footstep. Finally the door creaked open and I saw Alistair's bloodshot eye.

"Lissy, I don't feel well."

"Good heavens, are you hung over?" I barged into his room and looked at him. It would have been funny if it hadn't looked so painful. I still wasn't much of a healer, but I thought I could probably cure a hangover. "Sit," I ordered him. He collapsed into a chair and put his head in his hands. I put my hands on him and felt for the discordance that Wynne had taught me to look for. It was mostly his liver. I cleansed it and it began to deal with the leftover toxins much better. Then I put a hand on his tousled head and cured his headache.

"Wow!" Alistair looked up. "You've gotten pretty good at that."

I smiled at him and sent a wave of rejuvenation into him.

He looked like a different person, entirely. His eyes had their usual spark.

"Breakfast?" he said, looking at the tray I put down. "Lissy, that's very nice. Thanks!"

"I wanted to talk and neither of us do well on an empty stomach. Uh, by the way, what did you do last night?"

"Zevran talked me into going drinking. We went to a couple of different places, and then he challenged me to a drinking contest. I think he cheated."

I nodded. "Almost certainly. I should think you could drink him under the table if it were an honest contest. You're much bigger than he is."

"So," Alistair stuffed his mouth with a scone-like thing, "what did you want to talk about?"

I discussed with him the latest of Loghain's promises to help and other trivialities while he ate. I was going to wait until his stomach was full and he was relaxed and happy before telling him everything.

"So you met with Loghain again last night?" He swallowed the last of the food on the tray.

I nodded.

"That's twice in a row. He must be serious about helping us."

I nodded again.

He looked at me closely, watching my face. "What is it you're not telling me?"

"Remember how I told you Duncan once encouraged me to sleep with the king? He didn't want to lose the king's support."

Alistair nodded.

"It was kind of silly, really. King Cailan was in love with the Grey Wardens. I think we had no real issue with losing his support. It was Loghain who we should have been trying to win over. He's been the real military leader in this country since the rebellion."

Alistair blinked. "Are you saying Duncan was wrong?"

"I think he was. He should have been wooing Loghain. Maybe he had tried but given up, I don't know."

"But we succeeded in winning him over. Or rather, you did." He suddenly looked odd. "How did you do it? How did you manage to succeed where Duncan failed?"

"Well, first of all, there's only two of us left and we're not inviting Orlesians over the border. That works in our favor. My proposal also had merit and he saw that."

Alistair was still looking at me suspiciously. "And?"

"And... I seduced him." I looked at him warily.

"You what?" His mouth dangled open for a moment then closed. "You slept with him?"

"I'm still... seeing him."

"How... I mean... Why? No. How! How could you?" He was starting to sound angry.

"I did it because I felt I had to. I thought it would give us the best chance of succeeding."

Alistair turned away from me. "What about Teagan? He really cares about you. How could you do that to him?"

"Teagan and I have an understanding. He knows I'll do whatever is necessary to end the Blight." I reached out and touched Alistair's arm. "Those aren't just hollow, empty words, Alistair."

Alistair shook my hand off his arm. "Convenient, isn't it? You can act like a whore and say you're doing it for the Blight."

His words stung. I had hoped for better from him. My tone became stern. "I'm not looking for your approval or your permission. I'm telling you because you'll need to know why I'm disappearing from time to time. You also need to be discrete about this. It can't get out that we're seeing each other, especially before the Landsmeet."

He turned away from me. "I can't even look at you right now. Just go."

I stared at his back for a moment, trying to think of some way to make him understand, but nothing came to mind. I left, quietly closing his door behind me.

The rest of the week Alistair and I barely spoke.

I spent nearly every evening with Loghain. By the end of the week I knew why he had poisoned Eamon. Before Ostagar he was planning to confront Cailan in front of the Landsmeet about the easing of relations with Orlais. Loghain was adamantly against it, of course. He knew that Eamon would support Cailan. Loghain intended to separate Cailan from his most powerful ally. The poison was meant to incapacitate him, not kill him. The elf, Berwick, was there to observe him and make sure he didn't get worse. If he did, the cure would be sent for. The events with the undead and Connor were completely unexpected.

'_I play to win_'_, _was what Loghain had told me when he cheated at our race across the lake. It seemed that whatever battle Loghain chose to fight, he intended to win. It was a trait that was probably invaluable against the Orlesian occupiers, but it seemed brutally excessive now. He was still battling an enemy that had ceased hostilities thirty years ago. I just needed to keep him focused on the real threat.

I looked at him in amazement as he told the story. "Do Fereldans always play such rough politics?"

He laughed harshly. "No. I wasn't about to see the Orlesians get a foothold in this country again after Maric and I sacrificed so much to get them out. They brutalized our people while they were here. My mother was raped and murdered by chevaliers and our farm was confiscated. That story was played out all over the country."

"What if Ferelden is left weakened by the Blight? Even more than it already is, having lost so many at Ostagar. Won't we be rather easy pickings for any of our neighbors?"

Loghain grunted. "Yes. It's vital we're ready to meet the archdemon when it makes its appearance."

Well, that was good! He's focusing on the Blight. He realizes it is the major threat now. I stared off into the distance thinking.

"What is it?" Loghain noticed my pensive mood.

"I just wish there were other Grey Wardens around. Someone who knew more of the lore. Or who knew how to prepare for the archdemon. Perhaps there's something more we should be doing. I can't help but feel there's a reason for Grey Wardens other than our ability to sense darkspawn and our sexual prowess."

Loghain laughed. "Speaking of which..." He pulled my face to his and kissed me passionately, and then pulled me on top of him and I felt him growing hard against me.

"Oh! I see the archdemon has arisen." I smiled at Loghain, cocking an eyebrow provocatively. "Grey Warden to the rescue!"

_~o~o~o~_

The Market District was buzzing with excitement. Arl Rendon Howe had been arrested for the murders of the Cousland family. A message was awaiting me when I went into the Gnawed Noble. The Regent and the Queen requested the presence of the Grey Wardens and their companions at the palace tomorrow. There was a more personal note from Loghain in my room.

_I'm sending a wagon to move you and your companions to the Arl of Denerim's estate this afternoon._

_LMT_


	32. The Spin Doctor

**Note: **_My thanks to the amazing beta job done by Biff McLaughlin. She catches a lot of my cruft.  
_

**The Spin Doctor**

The Denerim arling was in an uproar when we arrived. There were soldiers leaving and other soldiers arriving. Tradespeople were flocking around the doorway. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but something felt off. A man rushed up to meet us and helped us thread through the clot of disgruntled people at the entrance and into the foyer.

"Grey Wardens?" the man asked.

"Yes, I'm Elissa..." I withheld my family name, well Elissa's anyway, at the last moment thinking I was the reason the former arl was no longer here and it might be prudent to be somewhat anonymous. I gestured to Alistair. "This is my fellow Grey Warden, Alistair."

"I'm Gerold. I'm the seneschal for the arling, at least until a new arl is appointed." He shook my hand and then Alistair's. "Please excuse the chaos. Rendon Howe did not properly maintain his books or pay his staff. We're trying to unravel that mess." He bustled quickly down the hallway and waved us to follow. "You'll have the use of the family quarters, for now anyway. You're here as the guests of the queen and the regent. If there's anything at all you need, please let me know. Dinner will be served at eight. I will send servants to help you unpack and assist you."

"Madam, your room." Gerold waved me into a large, very well-appointed room.

"Thank you, Gerold," I said. I was slightly agog at the room, it was extremely large. There was a sitting room I'd call a living room if it were in a typical house back home. There were several bookcases full of books, and the bed was the size of a small, third-world country. Oddly enough, the feature of the room that arrested me most was the door in the back of the room; a thick, oaken door. It called to me, or something beyond it did. Unfortunately, it was locked.

Gerold showed the others to their rooms. I tried to ignore the edgy feeling and unpack my things.

"Ma'am?" asked a small voice behind me.

I gasped and spun around, drawing my weapons; I was so jittery from the strange feeling. It was just a young elven woman and she looked terrified of me. "Oh! I'm so sorry." I put my weapons away. "I'm just... a little on-edge. I'm not normally quite so twitchy."

The girl stared at me with big eyes and nodded. "Is...is... Can I do anything for you?" She sounded utterly terrified.

I smiled and tried to put her at ease. "I promise I won't hurt you." She relaxed a little but I wasn't sure she actually believed me. "What is your name? Mine is Elissa, but most people call me Lissy or Lucy."

"I am Una, ma'am."

"There is something you can do for me. I'd like to find the key to this door. Do you know where it would be?"

"No ma'am. I can ask the seneschal for you."

"That would be nice, Una. Thank you."

"Would you like help putting away your things?" she asked, timidly.

"Yes, thank you, but ask about the key first please." I was dying to get past the door.

Una bowed and scurried off quickly, probably glad to escape the mad-woman. I couldn't stand the feeling any longer. I wondered if Alistair was feeling anything similar. I decided to risk his disapproving looks and ask him. I found him in the room next to mine. A servant was unpacking his stuff and he was staring off into the distance with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Alistair," I said, standing outside his room. "Could you come here a moment?"

He looked up, almost as startled as I had been when Una walked into my room. "Oh, sure." He got up and followed me into my room.

"Do you feel that?" I asked him.

"Maker's breath, yes!" He crossed the room to the door and tried the handle just as I had. "It's down here."

"What is it?" I asked.

"I remember some of the Wardens could sense others with the taint. Usually they were the older ones. But I never could."

"So... maybe there's a Grey Warden beyond that door?"

"Maybe. Something is there. It feels like taint, only different."

"I sent a servant to look for the key."

Una came back, rapping noisily on the door before entering. Alistair and I, in our agitation, both whipped around to look at her. It was clear we'd frightened her again.

"Did you find the key?" I asked.

"N...no...ma'am. I'm sorry. The seneschal says he doesn't have it."

"Let's get Zevran, maybe he can open it," I suggested. I ran to his room and pounded on his door. The desire to open that door was building.

Zevran flung open his door and pulled his weapons when he saw my expression. "What is it, Warden? Are we under attack?"

"No. Would you pick a lock on a door?" I ran my hands through my hair, pulling it partly free from my braid. My nerves felt stretched. "Now-ish," I said, pulling Zevran out of his room by his arm when he didn't move immediately.

"Lucy, what is wrong with you?"

"You can't feel that?" I asked him. "No, of course you can't. We think there's a Grey Warden here. It's making me feel... very strange."

We got back to my room and Alistair was ramming the door with his shoulder. If Zevran looked bemused at how I was acting he looked even more so to see Alistair battering himself against the thick oaken door.

"Amico! Calm yourself. Let me try the lock," he said, putting a hand on Alistair's shoulder. Alistair stood back, his hands clenching into fists at his side.

Zevran pulled out his lockpick and started to work on the lock. He frowned after a few minutes and stood up. "I'm sorry, my friends, this lock is beyond me."

Alistair growled in his throat and started ramming the door again. I was about to try burning the door down with a fireball when Zevran went over to the nightstand next to the bed and pulled open a drawer. He picked up a key and cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Perhaps this would work?"

I put a hand on Alistair's shoulder to stop him from ramming the door and we made way for Zevran to get past us. He inserted it into the lock. It fit perfectly.

"Wait!" I said. "We don't know what is down there. We'd better prepare for this. Let's get Wynne."

I ran down the hall, not sure what room she was in. "Wynne!" I yelled. I heard a door open and heard footsteps coming down the hall. "Wynne!" I yelled again.

"I'm coming! I'm coming. What is all this shouting about?" she grumbled as she walked into my room.

"There's something beyond that door." I tipped my head at the door in my room.

"There usually is," she said, dryly. "Very well, I'm here and ready." She watched Alistair and I looking like maniacs, and then asked, "What is wrong with you two?"

"It's... there's a Grey Warden down there. At least that what Alistair says. We feel... something."

I let Alistair open the door and he clanked down the stairs, and I followed directly after him. With every step the pull became stronger. We turned a corner and I saw narrow hallways lined with what looked like prison cells. A guard standing in front of a cell called out to us to halt. A pair of pale hands shot out from the behind the guard and quickly broke his neck. I looked at Alistair and he looked at me, both of us somewhat stunned. The guard's body was dragged into the cell and a few moments later a powerful looking, middle-aged man limped out of the cell dressed in the guard's armor.

"It's you..." I whispered at the man, my mouth dropping open. I rushed at him and threw my arms around him. This compulsion drew me to him like a nail to a magnet.

"Ah, you've finally come," he said, in a pleasantly accented voice.

I felt that intense pulling feeling drop and I suddenly realized I was hugging a perfect stranger.

"Oh, er, sorry," I said, backing away to a more respectful distance, blushing at my reaction.

"I was afraid I would never make contact with you," the stranger said.

I held out my hand to the man. "I'm Lucy... I mean Elissa Cousland."

"You are Duncan's newest recruit, no?" he said looking me over carefully. "He wrote to me about you."

"Wait. I know you. You were at my Joining," Alistair said.

The man bowed. "I'm Riordan, Senior Warden from Jader, but born and bred in Highever and glad to be home."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to fend off a headache that was threatening to fill the space left from the compulsion. "How did you do that?"

"I could feel there were other Grey Wardens in the city. I've been reaching out to you for days now, trying to attract your attention. I think because you are such new recruits you had a hard time sensing my call until you were very close."

"I didn't know we could do that. There's so much we don't know, Riordan. Everyone died and we've been on our own ever since." I felt like my wish had been granted. A senior Warden, one who knew what we should be doing to prepare for the archdemon. It was a weight lifted off my chest. "How did you end up here?"

"With an offer of hospitality and a poisoned chalice. I was fool enough to think Loghain didn't yet know who I was."

"Loghain?" I said, my breath catching. "He poisoned you?"

"No, it was one of Rendon Howe's people, but I assume Loghain was behind it."

Alistair stared at me, a muscle working in his jaw.

I glared back at him. "Howe was doing a lot of things Loghain knew nothing about." I turned back to Riordan. "What brings you to Ferelden?"

Riordan looked between us, his brow creasing. "I was sent when we received no word from King Cailan as to the outcome at Ostagar. The king had invited all the Wardens of Orlais and their support troops to join him, then... nothing."

"Did anyone else come with you?" Alistair asked.

"We had two hundred Wardens and two dozen divisions of cavalry. The first we heard of Loghain's edict was when everyone was turned back at the border. That was when the rumor reached us that Wardens were being blamed for the massacre. We decided it was safest to send someone alone, to learn how to best fight the Blight and this regime simultaneously. As a native Ferelden, I volunteered to make the crossing."

I didn't even want to see Alistair's expression. I figured he'd be gloating or glaring and I didn't need that right now.

"We're not fighting this regime. We've managed to find common ground with Loghain and he has agreed to support us in fighting the Blight. But... you have to realize he is quite sensitive about Orlais and he really, really doesn't trust Orlesians."

Wynne looked at Riordan closely. "This man is in dreadful condition. He must have been in this dungeon for weeks, and beaten terribly. He needs medical attention."

"Of course. Wynne could you take him back upstairs and see to him? He can take my room. Get him whatever he needs. The seneschal will help too, I'm sure." I turned to Riordan again and smiled at him warmly. "We'll talk again after you have rested."

Riordan nodded. "There are others down here being tormented by Howe, you must help them."

"Of course," I said. "Loghain had Howe arrested this morning and his guards are being replaced, but I bet no one has been down here."

"Well then, I'll be going with your healer. Good luck... Sister." Riordan leaned heavily on Wynne and she helped him up the stairs to my bedroom.

_Sister_. The word was so touching. It reminded me of the bond we three shared. How strange that it could bind us so closely that we could sense one another, potentially, or call out wordlessly and another of our kind could hear that call. It made me feel the rift between Alistair and me more keenly.

"Let's see what else is down here," I said.

We walked through the dungeon. There were a few guards, ones who obviously hadn't heard their employer had been arrested. We gave them the choice of surrendering their weapons and leaving, or dying. Most of them chose to leave peacefully. There was, however, one room crowded with a bunch of guys wielding brands and whips, looking like they made their living working for guys like Dick Cheney. They refused our generous offer to put down their weapons and leave, which actually was a relief. I'd like to see the labor pool for torturers dry up.

Alistair and I might have been at odds with each other, but we still fought well together. Over the weeks we'd been together it had become a routine. Everyone seemed to go for the big, well armored guy and tended to ignore the girl and the elf while we cut hamstrings, throats, punctured kidneys and wrought mayhem from behind.

A red-hot branding iron barely missed my cheek and instead sizzled on my armor, branding my shoulder armor with what I assumed was the Howe family crest. _Great! That's never coming out._

After we dealt with the resistance we found an attractive young man on a rack. He reminded me of surfers I had known back home. Blond hair, ripped build, he just needed a tan. Maybe it was the thing he wore around his neck; it reminded me of a puka shell necklace.

"Was this supposed to be a lesson?" the young man asked. "Did my father think it funny to leave me for so long before sending you?"

"Your father didn't send us. We're Grey Wardens and Arl Howe was just arrested today. We're just seeing who is down here and giving aid to any that need it. Who are you?"

"I am Oswyn, son of Bann Sighard, of the Dragon's Peak bannorn. I thank you for my rescue."

"I am Elissa and this is my fellow Grey Warden, Alistair. Zevran is one of our companions."

"Then I have no question about why you would come, Warden, for it is your men that have suffered the most here. You have my heartfelt gratitude, and I assume the gratitude of the entire Dragon's Peak bannorn. If my father sent no one after me, I can only assume he does not yet know the true colors of the snakes he has allied with. But if you talk to him, I'm certain he would offer you any reward you might ask."

"How did you come to be here?" I asked.

"One soldier returning from Ostagar was my wet-nurse's son. We have been friends since birth. He told me his unit was ordered to turn their backs on Cailan at Ostagar before he was overwhelmed by darkspawn. The next day he disappeared. When I went to search for him, I accepted a drink from a stranger and ended up here."

"I'm truly sorry for your suffering, Oswyn, but I think Howe acted alone. Just this morning Loghain had him arrested and he will be tried for his crimes. I don't think Loghain knew you were here. If he did, surely he would have moved you somewhere else before turning over the arling to us."

_Damn __Loghain for allowing that psychopath, Howe, to run amok! Did he truly have no idea what that fool was up to? _I was starting to feel a pit opening in my belly.

Oswyn stood up on shaky legs. "I need to find my father."

"Can you find your way out? We've cleared out most of the guards. There's a healer in the room at the top of the stairs. She can attend to some of your injuries." I put a hand on his shoulder and sent a wave of rejuvenation through him.

He nodded. "I think so. Thank you for your help. Please come see my father and ask what you would of him." He turned and limped away.

"Poor guy," Alistair said, watching him leave.

"Yes," I replied, quietly.

"How do you feel about Loghain now?" he asked.

It was a fair question. I wasn't going to become defensive. "I am disappointed. He either didn't know what Howe was up to, and he should have, or he did know and chose to look the other way. He may not smell of roses right now but I prefer his odor to the stench of civil war."

"Well, I guess if there's anyone who has to endure his odor, it's you," he said.

I turned on my heel and left the room, leaving Alistair and Zevran alone. I was overwhelmed with doubt, but most of all sadness that my alliance with Loghain had so damaged my relationship with Alistair, my brother Warden. I leaned my side against a wall and couldn't help the few tears that came. What if it were all for nothing? What if Howe had done enough damage that Loghain would lose support at the Landsmeet and we end up with a civil war anyway? What if we found something worse than Oswyn and Riordan in the dungeon? Something even more damning? What if I'd made a terrible mistake?

I heard angry male voices. It was Zevran and Alistair arguing. This was absolutely my lowest moment since Ostagar. A rift between Alistair and I could dissolve our entire party. I dashed the tears off my face and turned around and went back.

"Come on," I said, feigning equanimity, "there may be more poor sods here. Let's find them."

We found more guards and they all seemed to be keen to leave. I was spoiling for a fight to relieve the emotions I was feeling. We finally came across a group that obliged me and I did feel a little better afterward. I had a slash across my thigh. It was a small enough wound I could have healed it but it gave me something to focus on other than the emotional pain I was feeling, so I left it alone.

We found an elf next. A very pale one.

"What month is it?" he asked. "Are you some enemy of Arl Urien's? Please, I feel like I've spent half my life down here."

I looked at Alistair and shrugged. "Who is Arl Urien?"

"Arl Urien died at Ostagar," Alistair said.

"Dead? Then who is ruling... his son Vaughan struck me down and I woke up here. The people were so angry, they were thinking of petitioning the king."

Zevran unlocked his cell door and it swung open.

"What happened?" I asked, bracing myself for his response, hoping it wasn't another story about Howe and Loghain.

"Vaughan, Arl Urien's son, was using the alienage as his private brothel during a wedding, my wedding and my cousin's. He stole our brides and a number of other young girls. We came after him to rescue them and... we failed."

"That's... that's just... loathsome! Doesn't anyone punish them for that sort of behavior?"

Zevran laughed bitterly. "Lucy, you're so naive. The arl hands out the justice, I doubt he's going to punish his own son with anything more than a slap on the wrist, if that."

"I'm sorry." I felt near to tears again. I really hated to hear how elves were treated in this world. "I don't know what has happened to this Vaughan pig-thing, but some other asshole ended up with the arling and he's just been arrested. Right now there's no Arl of Denerim. The regent is loaning us the estate for awhile and we came down here to explore and found some prisoners. As far as I'm concerned, you're free to go."

The man looked at me with tears of gratitude shining in his eyes. "Thank you," he said.

"Fuckers," I swore under my breath. We pushed on through the dungeon and ran into a man who seemed quite mentally disturbed.

"Lyrium withdrawals," Alistair said.

From his broken speech, punctuated by delusions, we gathered he was a templar who had been chasing a blood mage. Howe's men captured him and took his prisoner, the blood mage. He had a ring that he wanted us to give his sister. I took it from him and promised I would. He ran off somewhere into the dungeon, I hoped he was going in the right direction to get out.

"That might have been the templar who caught Jowan," Alistair said.

I looked at Alistair expecting to see condemnation in his eyes again, but he seemed to suppress it this time.

The last prisoner we found was a tall, well-dressed young man with bright red hair. At least he was well-dressed at one time; his clothes were soiled and torn now.

"Hmm, who is there? Stay away! You can't do this to me, I'll have you all flayed! I'm the Arl of Denerim!"

I cocked my head, wondering what he was talking about. "Arl Urien is dead. I thought he was the Arl of Denerim."

"Yes, of course, you idiot! I'm Vaughan Kendalls, Urien was my father. I'm the heir to the arling of Denerim, it's true. Too many of our troops were lost at Ostagar. When the riots started, Howe came with men to reinforce the garrison here. Or that's what he claimed. As soon as I let him into the palace he threw me in here. 'One more victim of the elven uprising,' he said. Let me out of here, I'll do anything."

"Vaughan... odd coincidence. We were just talking about you with an elf, down the hall," I said.

"In my room there's a lockbox full of sovereigns. Free me and the key is yours."

He was trying to bribe me. I smiled at Vaughan and raked my eyes over him suggestively. "I have a counter-proposal," I said, lowering my voice so he would have to come closer to hear it. I cocked an eyebrow suggestively.

"Oh, this should be interesting," he smirked. He came close enough to the front that I could reach out and grab his doublet and pull him flush with the bars. His cheek squished against the cold iron. I quickly reached back and unsheathed a dagger and plunged it into his belly. He groaned and doubled over and I pushed him back into his cell, pulling my blade free.

There was a stunned silence for a moment. "You just killed an arl," Alistair said.

"Naw, I think Arl Howe did it," I replied.

Zevran nodded. "Must have been Howe, he was dead when we found him." Zevran rifled through the ex-arl's pockets and pulled out a key. He handed it to me. I nodded my thanks.

Alistair nodded slowly. "Right. Howe did it."

I looked at Alistair and he looked at me. I wasn't really sure how to read his expression but at least it wasn't disgust. "Let's get out of here, Brother."

~o~o~o~

There was a certain amount of relief followed by anxiety when a note from Loghain was delivered to me. He wanted to meet with me privately tonight back at the room I had been staying at in the Gnawed Noble. This time he was there before I was. His guards recognized me by now and they let me pass without stopping me. I pulled open the door and Loghain was standing in front of the fire, looking into it intently. I closed the door and leaned against it. Yesterday I would have crossed the room with a smile and met him with a kiss, looking forward to the passion that sparked between us whenever we were together.

He turned around when I didn't come to him. He was backlit by the fire, I couldn't see his face.

"What did you know?" I said, my voice sounding cold to my ears. "What did you know of Riordan and the others in Howe's dungeon?"

He crossed the room to me and gripped my shoulders in his hands. "Howe's dungeon? I knew nothing of who he had there."

I moved quickly, almost without thinking, and slapped him. He dropped my shoulders and caught my wrist in his hand.

"How could you have just let him run amok like that? Let him murder the Couslands, imprison, torture, and kill others? Bann Sighard's son was there. He was convinced Howe was acting on your orders."

"I didn't know what Howe was up to. He was a useful ally,but perhaps I trusted him too easily. The Maker will judge him for his crimes."

"And the Landsmeet will judge _you _for his crimes. Whatever he has done is going to reflect on you, whether or not you were involved. Shouldn't his killing of the Couslands have tipped you off that he was a loose cannon?"

Loghain grunted. "I've made mistakes, I know. Trusting Howe was one of them. He could get things done, things I didn't want to be associated with, or have taint Anora. I knew this would be an ugly business, but I gave him far too much latitude."

"There was a Grey Warden there too. Did you know about that?"

"From Ostagar?" he asked. "I thought you and Alistair were the only survivors."

"He's from Orlais, a native Ferelden though. He sneaked across the border to find out what happened. There were two hundred Grey Wardens and their support troops. They were turned back at the border. We might have won Ostagar..."

Loghain released my hand and gripped my shoulders again. "Tell me, since you're so experienced in these matters, how do you convince four legions of Orlesian chevaliers to leave the country once they've gotten here?"

"Two hundred Grey Wardens, Loghain! It could have made Ostagar a trivial matter. Now Orlais is just waiting for the Blight to chew through us and they'll deal with it when it gets to their borders."

"Answer my question, Lucy, how do you get rid of them afterward? Do you have any idea how difficult it was to get them out the last time? Do you know how many innocent lives were lost from the predations of those vermin? What an opportunity for them to reconquer us when we're weakened from the Blight."

We were glaring at one another, nostrils flaring, jaws clenched. "I don't know," I finally admitted. I sagged against the door. Loghain loosened his grip on my shoulders.

"Other than their fighting prowess, which is substantial, I will admit that, are the Grey Wardens really even necessary to end the Blight, Lucy?" he asked, his tone was gentle.

"Well, we have those treaties, of course. And we do sense the darkspawn which is useful for finding them and figuring out how many there are. I haven't talked to the senior Grey Warden we found in Howe's dungeon yet about much, he was in a bad way. There must be something though, right? Otherwise what point is there to keeping us around? Presumably there must be a reason, we've been doing this for quite a long time."

Loghain's hand lifted from my shoulder and his thumb caressed my cheek. "I'm sorry about what you found in Howe's dungeon. Does this change anything between us?" His hand curved around the back of my head and his eyes looked into mine.

I felt my body responding to his caress. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to ignore it.

I could spin this. "I can talk to Bann Sighard and Bann Alfstanna and tell them you sent us to clear out Howe's dungeon and make it clear that he was acting without your knowledge. Oswyn's friend told him you retreated before the signal was lit."

Loghain shook his head. "No, that's simply not true. There are plenty of witnesses. I didn't withdraw until after the signal was lit and I saw the horde was simply too massive."

"Then you'd best make sure you have some reliable witnesses ready at the Landsmeet." I sighed. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"There's nothing else."

"I want this to work, Loghain. I want to keep the country united, defeat the Blight, and leave this country strong enough to deter any possible foreign incursions afterward. If there's anything else, tell me now. I've bet everything on you."

"I want exactly what you want. I'm willing to do anything necessary to win." He wrapped his arms around me and pressed me to his chest. "We're not so different, Lucy."

"Perhaps not," I said, relaxing against him.

He guided me over to the sofa in front of the fire and we talked, late into the night. He wanted to know more about my home, what my life had been like. I knew he'd be interested in warfare so I described modern warfare to him, what little I knew about it. He was curious when I mentioned nuclear missiles.

"What does it do?" he asked.

"A nuclear missile? It kills the enemies."

"What? All of them?"

I nodded. "Pretty much. And all their wives, children, sheep, cattle, pigs, cats and dogs. Makes their land uninhabitable for a good long time. It's sort of like a hundred year Blight rolled up into one neat, tidy package."

I saw conflicting emotions on his face.

"And the really amazing thing is that you can be a thousand miles away and never even have to see it," I said, sarcastically.

"Maker's blood that's... " he sat thinking for a moment, trying to find an adjective. I wasn't sure if he'd say _'good'_ or _'bad'_. "...horrifying. Although it would be quite the deterrent to invasion."

I nodded. "Definitely, until your enemy acquires the same technology and then you try to accumulate more nukes than they have. Pretty soon you both have enough to destroy all of Thedas several times over. Everyone is so scared at that point that things remain pretty peaceful, if extremely tense. Of course, if you get some crazy regime with nukes they might all decide to die, and kill you, for the greater glory of whatever gods they worship."

"Your world sounds brutal and savage."

"It's not so different from yours; except for the toilets."

We chatted on until I fell asleep with my head on Loghain's shoulder. He kissed me awake after letting me sleep a while.

"After the Landsmeet," he said, as he was getting ready to leave, "why don't you move into the Grey Warden compound, next to the palace? There won't be any further need for secrecy about our association."

"After the Landsmeet we'll be on the road again, raising our allies," I reminded him.

"When you come back to Denerim, then."

"We'll see. Some of my allies aren't completely happy about my alliance with you. Perhaps after the Landsmeet things will settle down, but right now I'm on thin ice with some of them." I was startled by his wanting to have me nearby and to make our relationship more public. I hadn't expected that.

Loghain bid me good night and we left the room and went to our respective beds.

I thought about our conversation. Was he telling me the truth? I felt he was. Surely if he knew about the prisoners and wished to keep them a secret he would have secured them before turning the estate over to us. I'd have to go and see Bann Alfstanna and Bann Sighard and convince them that Loghain was unaware of what happened and was keen to pursue justice on their behalf. That at least was easy. Howe was in custody and the evidence of his crimes was piling up.

I couldn't help but feel like I was slipping slowly into a pit with greased sides. Was he being truthful with me? I thought he was, but how much of that impression was varnished by my growing feelings for him?

I pulled my cloak around myself and shivered. The nights were growing colder. I wished I weren't going back to an empty bed.

_~o~o~o~_

_Note: Lifted a bit from Baron Munchausen_._ A very fun movie if you haven't seen it__._

_A **Spin Doctor** is someone who tries to impart a positive interpretation to negative words or events_.


	33. Danny Downer

**Note: **_Thanks for the reviews, they swell my heart with gladness! And thanks to my beta-reader, Biff McLaughlin, who keeps my punctuation in line and remembers when I should use who instead of that. _

**Danny Downer**  
The meeting with the queen and her father went well. It was more of a show than anything. It allowed the few nobles and notables currently in Denerim to see that the Grey Wardens and the regime were now allied. Anora apologized for Howe's murder of my (Elissa's) family and promised I would have the right of blood in a test of arms, if I wished. She also promised her assistance in helping us raise our allies. She and Loghain thanked us for our service to the country and the assembled nobles stood up and applauded.

After the audience was over several of the nobles wished to speak with me. The first was Ser Landry, the knight I'd dueled and defeated.

"My Lady Cousland," he said, bowing, "I apologize for my behavior."

"It is no matter, Ser," I said. "I know that passions were running high after Ostagar. We all lost so much there."

Ser Landry looked relieved. He was probably afraid of what would happen if I had maintained a grudge now that I was so obviously in favor with the crown.

"Little Elissa?" a man said to me. He grabbed me and pressed me into a hug.

"Careful, Arl Bryland," Loghain said. "You wouldn't want to accidentally impale yourself on one of your _cousin's_ daggers."

_Cousin? I was grateful Loghain was following me around and cuing me into people I should know, but didn't._

"Cousin Bryland! It has been a long while. How old was I last we met?" I asked.

"I think I last saw you when you were fourteen, and all skinny legs and arms you were back then. You certainly have grown up!" He held me off and looked at me. "You look just like your grandmother, but I'm sure you heard that a lot growing up."

I smiled and nodded. "All the time. You haven't changed a bit, however."

"You must come visit while you're in Denerim. I know Habren would love to see you. Frankly, the girl could use a role model..."

"Excuse us, Bryland. Elissa has a busy schedule this morning," Loghain interrupted and got me free of the clot of nobles that had formed around us.

Before leaving I had a moment of privacy to thank Loghain for getting me through that. He asked me to meet him again at the Gnawed Noble, the usual time and room. I nodded and we returned to our lodgings.

_~o~o~o~_

That afternoon Wynne said I could talk to Riordan. He'd gotten some rest and she had attended to his injuries.

"You look much better," I commented to Riordan. I placed a hand on his shoulder and searched for remaining health issues. It seemed that Wynne had seen to all his injuries. His last remaining problems were obvious without magic: starvation and sleep deprivation which could be seen in the tired lines around his eyes.

"I feel better, Elissa. I'm a little tired."

"I can help with that." I cast a rejuvenation spell on him. "Can I get you more food?" I asked. "It looks like Howe wasn't a generous host."

"Perhaps later. Right now, we should talk." He looked at me curiously. "Duncan never mentioned you were a mage."

I pulled up a chair alongside his bed and sat down. "That's because he didn't know I was before he died. I didn't know I was either, until after Ostagar."

Riordan's face creased with puzzlement.

"You know, we'd better get some food, this has become a long story." I excused myself and returned a few minutes later with food, water and wine. The story of my true identity and of everything that had happened thus far spilled out.

"A shapeshifter?" he asked, looking impressed.

"Yes, I learned from Flemeth's daughter."

"Your tale is incredible," he said.

"Alistair can confirm it. He was there right from the start. Wynne and Morrigan, too. Especially since it was Morrigan's mother who brought me here."

"Shapeshifting could be an important skill for Warden mages to learn," Riordan mused. "What forms can you do?"

"Horse and raven, so far. I've been too busy lately to learn much more magic, although Wynne is teaching me some basics of healing."

"So you have managed to come to an understanding with Loghain? How did you do that?"

I told him the tale of how I became a horse and confronted him alone and gave him my sales pitch for an alliance.

"Clever, Elissa...er, Lucy. I'm surprised you succeeded, he's notoriously stubborn."

"Well, yes. He is stubborn and I wasn't sure we could trust him even if he did give his word." I fidgeted in my chair. "Duncan was quite clear before he died that Grey Wardens took whatever measures were necessary. I knew that the country teetered on the verge of civil war and it would be disastrous to allow that to happen." I got up and walked over to the brandy decanter and poured some for myself and gulped it down. I was afraid of what my new brother would think when I told him. "Brandy?" I asked him, trying to buy time and work up my nerve.

"It's a little early in the day, but I suppose I could consider this medicinal."

I smiled at him. "Medicine, indeed." I poured us both a good measure of the amber liquid and handed his to him.

"So you were saying you thought he might not be trustworthy even with his promise?"

"Yes." I gulped down more brandy. "So I ... employed measures to help insure his loyalty." I felt my cheeks flushing. _God, this is so embarrassing._

Riordan looked at me with a puzzled expression. "Measures? Are you talking about blood magic? Oh, did you make him your thrall?"

I shook my head.

"Well, out with it. If it isn't blood magic then what did you..." He paused, a look of comprehension dawning on his face. "Oh... Oh! You seduced him?"

I nodded. "Yes." I felt like I was confessing to a priest. "We've been seeing each other." I wondered what my penance would be.

He scratched the scruff on his chin. "Well, I can imagine he'd be flattered to have a beautiful, young woman show interest in him. Do you think it worked?"

"I believe I've been able to focus him on the Blight and stop seeing Orlesian plots in everything. Which is not to say that he doesn't raise some good points from time to time. His reason for turning away the chevaliers at the border is not altogether unreasonable. I do believe he had no idea what Howe was up to, although I think he should have. It might have been willful ignorance."

"Not having to replace the regime certainly makes things easier, and Loghain's reputation as a general is considerable. I think your strategy has been sound. It's not the first time a Grey Warden has used seduction to enlist the support they required. You've heard of Garahel, haven't you?"

"The elven Warden from the last Blight?" I vaguely remembered someone telling me about him, maybe Leliana.

"It is said, although you won't find this in official history books, his nickname was Garahel, the Irresistible. The stories say he raised some of his troops by seducing some of the lords, or ladies, in the Free Marches. There were even tales about Sophia Dryden and one of your ancestors, well Elissa's." He smiled at me. "Do you ever wonder why there are so many Wardens in Orlais?"

I shook my head. "No, hadn't had a chance to ponder that yet."

"We're rather popular with some of the ladies, and sometimes men, in the court. Some of the rather highly placed nobles, I might add." His smile turned decidedly smug. "Parades are held in Val Royeaux and when a contingent of Grey Wardens participates the air is often filled with flying small clothes."

"People throw their small clothes at you? That's a good thing, is it?" I asked, puzzled.

He cocked a brow rakishly. "A very good thing. You see in Orlais, Grey Wardens are renowned for their strength and stamina both on and off the battlefield. Surely you've noted certain changes since your Joining?"

"Like waking up in a body that's thirty two years younger, for one. My results were not typical. I figured it all had something to do with a twenty-year-old's hormones running wild."

"It's the taint. Enjoy it, Sister. It makes the thirty years we're given very pleasant ones. Anyway, recruiting new Grey Wardens is a snap. We have to turn them away." I must have looked visibly relieved at his acceptance because he put his hand on mine and smiled at me. "The Wardens use all the weapons at their disposal, and they're not always edged ones."

"Huh! I wish I could convince Alistair of that. This hasn't been easy for him to accept. He is a bit of a prude and he loathes Loghain."

"I could speak to him, if you wish."

I shook my head. "No. It's probably best if we work this out between us."

"It sounds like things are well in hand. The dearth of Grey Wardens is very distressing but other than that, if you accomplish what you're hoping in the Landsmeet, then you should be able to raise your allies, hopefully before the archdemon makes an appearance."

"I do have a few questions, Riordan. Duncan died before he could tell me much about the order. Alistair told me what he knew, but he thought there were things he didn't know. Since we know we're in a full blown Blight and there are only three of us left, shouldn't we know everything there is to know?"

He nodded. "Yes. I didn't realize Duncan hadn't told you everything. Get Alistair and I'll fill in the blanks for you two."

_~o~o~o~_

Riordan got out of bed, just dressed in some cotton trousers. I tried hard not to ogle. He was smaller than Loghain and Alistair, wiry yet muscular. I was impressed. He took my glass and poured more brandy into it, and poured some for Alistair. I wondered why he was pouring booze for us. It seemed like a poor omen.

"Some of the things Wardens can do take some practice, like calling to another Warden. I can give you both instructions in that. You should be able to master it in a few weeks. Most Wardens can, although some cannot."

"Good, that sounds very useful," I said.

"Were you told how an archdemon is slain?" he asked.

"You mean there's more to it than, say, just chopping off its head?" Alistair asked.

"So, Duncan had not yet told you. Have you ever wondered why the Grey Wardens are needed to defeat the darkspawn?"

"Something to do with the taint in us, I suppose?" I said.

"That is exactly what it involves. The archdemon may be killed like any other darkspawn but should anyone but a Grey Warden do the slaying it will not be enough. The essence of the beast will pass through the taint to the nearest darkspawn and it will be reborn anew in that body. The dragon is thus all but immortal. But if the archdemon is slain by a Grey Warden its essence travels into the Grey Warden instead."

"That doesn't sound healthy for the Grey Warden," I said.

"The darkspawn is an empty, soulless vessel, but a Grey Warden is not. The essence of the archdemon is destroyed and so is the Grey Warden."

"Meaning... " Alistair said, "... the Grey Warden killing the archdemon dies?"

"Yes. Without the archdemon the Blight ends. It is the only way."

I chugged down the remainder of the brandy in my cup, suddenly not so certain I wanted to be sober. "So, basically you're saying that we have three chances to kill the archdemon. One for each of us. And whichever one of us actually succeeds, providing we do, we're gonna have our ass asploded into little, itty-bitty, Grey Warden kibble?"

Riordan looked at Alistair. "What did she just say?"

Alistair shrugged. "I don't know, she does that. It gets worse when she drinks."

"Jesus... oops, wrong prophet, Andraste! You're such a Danny Downer, Riordan."

Riordan and Alistair exchanged looks again.

"It's tradition for the eldest Grey Warden to decide who takes the final blow. I'm not far from my Calling, I will do it."

I laughed. "I think I might have you beat, Danny-boy, I'm fifty-two."

"Nevertheless, I've been a Grey Warden for nearly thirty years, I'm close to my Calling. I would prefer to die to the archdemon than alone in the Deep Roads."

"I rather liked not knowing exactly how I was going to die. That's one very unfun thing about this whole business," I said. It was starting to dawn on me that my end was likely much, much closer than thirty years from now.

Riordan laughed; gallows humor I suppose. "There is still always the random element. You could always have a random fall and break your neck, or get in the way of a darkspawn sword."

"Thanks. You really know how to cheer me up." I swilled down more brandy. Riordan's features were starting to blur nicely.

"That is all the bad news I have for you today. I think you know now all that Grey Wardens might be called upon to sacrifice."

I nodded. "Thanks for explaining, Riordan. I think I'll just go digest this news for a bit." I walked down the hall, listing a bit, and closed my door. I poured myself more brandy, intending to get pissed. Maybe everything would be less scary after I was completely drunk.

~o~o~o~

I was still pretty tipsy when I woke up. It was time to head to the Gnawed Noble and see Loghain again. I managed to pull a cloak on and walked across town. Fortunately no one accosted me. I wasn't sure if I could defend myself in this state. I nodded a greeting to Loghain's guards and went into the room.

Loghain was pacing. "You're late. I was worried about you." He crossed the floor and pulled me into a kiss. "Maker's breath, woman, you smell like a brewery. Are you drunk?"

"Not entirely." I untangled myself from his arms and went to the brandy decanter. "But that can be fixed." I poured a drink for both of us and gave him his.

He sipped at his. I gulped mine. It was definitely getting easier to handle the fiery burn down my esophagus. I went back to the decanter and was about to pour more but he stopped me, taking the decanter. He put his hand under my chin and brought my eyes to look into his. "What are you trying to escape from?"

I sighed. "My own cowardice, I suppose. When you don't know how or when you're going to die, it is much easier to pretend it isn't going to happen. Isn't that stupid? Everyone is going to die. There should be relief in knowing it probably won't be a long, horrible wasting disease where someone has to change my diapers." I giggled. "Ha! I knew I'd find a silver lining, eventually." My expression became more serious. "I just wish it weren't going to be so soon."

"What do you mean?" his face looked concerned. "Are you ailing?"

"I'm perfectly healthy. Disgustingly hale. I wouldn't be surprised to find the taint makes me so. Ironic since in the end it'll certainly kill me."

"Another Grey Warden secret?"

I nodded. "I've already told you a lot. I didn't tell you that the tainted blood we drink is a death sentence, even if it doesn't kill us right away. In thirty years, more or less, we begin to succumb to the taint. Traditionally we go seek our death at the hand of darkspawn, slaying as many of them as we can before we're killed. A very grim Olympic event, that."

I shrugged. "I am not truly a young woman, another thirty years of life is about what I would have expected if I hadn't been swept into this world. I don't fancy dying alone in some horrible place, overwhelmed by monsters, but it is a long ways off in the future. There's no guarantee I'll survive that long anyway. What is a little more disturbing is finding out exactly why Grey Wardens are needed to end a Blight."

Loghain sat down on the sofa and patted the cushion next to him. "Go on, tell me what it is."

I sat down next to him and took his big, calloused hand into both of mine. His bulky, warm presence was comforting. For once I wasn't trying figure out his weaknesses, or trying to second guess his reactions to whatever I was saying. I was just scared and looking for reassurance and comfort.

"When an archdemon dies, its essence seeks out the nearest tainted creature and occupies it. If that happens to be a darkspawn, it is essentially reborn in the darkspawn's body. If it is a Grey Warden, it fails to take root, but it kills the Grey Warden in the process. That's why we're necessary to ending the Blight. That there are only three of us means that we have fewer chances of doing this right. The archdemon could be reborn if we all die before we kill it."

Loghain pulled my head to his chest and ran his hand down my hair. "I see. Isn't there some other way?"

"I suppose there might be, but they have a method that works and who wants to experiment with something untried when the stakes are so high?"

"It doesn't have to be you, does it?" Loghain asked.

"Riordan says he wants to do it. He is near to the time when the taint will overwhelm him. But there's no guarantee he'll succeed. It will have to be myself or Alistair if he fails. Maker forfend we all fail."

"And I had two hundred Grey Wardens turned away at the border." His eyes looked sad. His thumb caressed my cheek. "I'm sorry. I wish I had known."

"Well, they came with four legions of chevaliers, and you were right, there was no guarantee they wouldn't use the opportunity for conquest. The Grey Wardens should have come alone."

"Can you make more Grey Wardens?"

"I don't know, I'll have to ask to Riordan. It's possible, I suppose."

He stared into my eyes for a long moment and then he kissed me. "I don't want to lose you, Lucy," he murmured quietly, his lips against mine. It made me feel better to think that someone would miss me if I were gone.

"Berries," I said, remembering what I'd said that first night we'd met in this room. I had said that the taste of berries reminded me of why we make sacrifices, so that others would know the pleasure we had had. It also made me realize the sacrifice was worth it. Scary, hell yes, but failure was even scarier. I pulled Loghain's mouth back to mine and kissed him with everyone ounce of passion I had. My looming mortality was a powerful aphrodisiac.

"Can you stay here with me tonight?" Loghain asked.

"Not if it jeopardizes the Landsmeet." I pushed his braid behind his ear. I wanted to stay. I wanted to feel his big arms around me; I wanted the illusion of being protected.

"I'll leave early tomorrow. It will be fine. I'd better tell the guards." He got up and went outside to talk to his guards.

I began to peel off my armor while he was gone. I didn't know exactly how long I had to live, but I could make sure, however long it was, it would count for something. I knelt in front of the fire, letting it warm my bare skin while Loghain was gone. The dancing flames immersed me into a trance and I was blissfully free of thought.

I didn't hear him return but felt him kneel behind me and push my hair off my neck and kiss my nape. His large hands grasped my breasts and his thumbs roughly brushed over my nipples. I gasped and arched into him. His rough hand slid down my belly and between my legs, palm pressing against me, fingers sliding through my wet folds. I shivered as he touched me, spreading my knees for him.

"Maker's breath, woman, you are beautiful," he said, his voice low and warm next to my ear. I turned my head as far as it would go and our mouths met while his hands caressed me. His mouth muffled the moans and whimpers coming from mine. His large hands were gentle, but insistently seeking out those places he had been learning about over the last week we had been together. I broke away from his mouth and cried out his name, clasping his hand between my thighs and trembling with my release. I sagged against him, my held breath releasing with a sigh.

"Bed," he said. He stood up and held out his hand to me.

"I think my goal in life will be to one day convince you that one can make love in places other than a bed," I said, teasingly. I took his hand and stood.

"A soldier comes to appreciate a bed, Lucy. Perhaps you will too when you've been on the road raising your allies long enough." His hand whacked me on the butt playfully. "Now, get over there and start warming it for me."

"Oh ho!" I laughed. "You think you can order me around like one of your soldiers?" I wagged my finger at him. "I don't think so."

Loghain's eyes met mine, there was an amused light dancing in them I hadn't seen before. I'd thrown down the gauntlet with my defiance and the slight smile on his face showed he'd picked it up. He grabbed me, slung me over his shoulder and carried me to the bed, unloading me on it like a sack of potatoes. "I don't recommend defiance, woman, you won't enjoy the consequences."

I smiled saucily at him. "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

He stood over me and took off his shirt and unfastened his belt. He moved quickly and I wasn't expecting it. He had my wrists bound together with his belt surprising fast. He had a long leather tie in his hand and he fastened my bound hands above my head to a bed post.

He shook his head and leaned over me, his face inches from mine. "I play to win, sweet Lucy."

"And what is it that you want to win, Loghain?"

"I want to hear you begging me for release, then I'll know you've forgotten everything you walked in here trying to escape."

I smiled. "Do your worst, ser. I can take it."

He chuckled and then his mouth went to my nipple and he sucked at it hard until I writhed under him. His fingers pinched its mate. Then he released them and I moaned when he lightly brushed them, they were so exquisitely sensitive. When I stopped squirming he repeated it and this time I whimpered; the third time I yelped his name. He chuckled and his hands moved down my sides, his mouth kissing the hollow space between my ribs and his tongue searing a hot line to my navel.

Loghain, while a considerate lover, hadn't exactly been well-versed in the erotic arts. I had been working to expand his repertoire, but he had seemed to have taken a giant leap forward since we'd last been together.

"You... you... oooooh," I moaned, as his hands parted my thighs, "... certainly seem to have acquired some interesting techniques since we last..." my words almost deserted me as he placed my knees on his shoulders and his hand spread apart my outer lips. "... met." I groaned as his tongue danced over my pearl, teasing me.

Loghain grunted, leaving off from his exploration to reply. "I confiscated a book from one of my soldiers and stayed up most of last night reading it."

"You should promote him," I said, and then I couldn't say anything else because his lips and tongue were back on me again and my speech centers shorted out. He brought me to the edge of climax and stopped. My hips flexed trying to get back the contact I needed.

"Loghaaaaain!" I hissed. "Don't stop."

"Mmmm, that's not what I'm waiting to hear." He softly rubbed his finger beside my nub. _Not enough!_

"Please," I whispered.

"That was hardly begging."

"Please. Dammit!" I rocked my hips, trying to get the pressure where I wanted it.

Loghain met my eyes and shook his head.

"Please, Loghain. I beg you. Just get back to it and I'll do anything you want." I whined.

He smiled broadly. "That's more like it." He lowered his head between my thighs and resumed unraveling me with his lips and tongue. The finger he slid inside me, soon followed by another, sent me flying over the edge. I bucked against his face, groaning with my release.

He crawled up my body, kissing my sensitive nipples again, a rather self-satisfied smile on his face. "You enjoyed that?" he asked.

"Mmmm," I mumbled, still feeling the after-effects fluttering through my body, my eyes still half-closed. My hands were still tied to the bed post. "Untie me and I'll fulfill my promise."

He reached up and pulled the belt off my hands. "I'll collect on that promise from you another time. I haven't finished the book yet."

I couldn't help but laugh at him. "All right, you can collect your boon when you want." I ran my freed hands over his chest and down to his groin and felt his stiff length straining within his trousers. "But we're not done here, General." My fingers deftly untied his trousers and he pushed them off.

"I should say not," he said, sternly. He lifted me in his arms and turned me over, gripping my hips and lifting them so my ass was in the air. I was so wet he slipped in easily. He started slowly, driving into me completely and withdrawing slowly. I pushed back and met him when he thrust. My pleasure was building again surprisingly fast. I put my fingers on myself and rubbed lightly, still a little sensitive. His rhythm quickened and he used his hands to hold my hips steady, his fingers digging into me. I turned my face into the bed to muffle my cries, but his hand wrapped around my hair and he pulled my face free.

"I want to hear you," he said.

I moaned loudly and turned to watch his turgid member impale me. The sight of it sent me over the edge yet again and I shouted his name. Then he was pulling on my hair and ramming himself into me arrhythmically and I felt his hot release within me. He collapsed beside me and pulled me into a long kiss.

His pale blue eyes looked into mine. "I bet Maric is laughing at me somewhere," he said with a hint of a smile.

I shook my head. "No, he's saying 'Good for you, Loghain. It's about time you got some.'"

"That too." He played with my unruly curls for awhile. "It's going to be difficult to meet here with the Landsmeet drawing closer. The nobles tend to come here quite often. My guards will be recognized."

I bit my lip. There was a way; I just hadn't planned to reveal my other animal form to him. "I take it your quarters in the palace has a window?"

He nodded. "You don't mean to climb in, do you? Our security isn't that lax, you'd like end up with a crossbow bolt in the back."

"They wouldn't shoot a raven would they?"

His eyebrows arched with surprise. "I keep forgetting you can do that. You need to be careful, there are templars all over this city."

"I'm a Grey Warden, I don't think they have any jurisdiction over us from what I've been told."

"I wouldn't count on that. They tend to act and ask questions later, if they bother to at all. But if you're careful... you could fly into my window tomorrow night around our usual time. I'll draw you a map so you can figure out which room is mine."

I nodded. "It would be easier than meeting here, I think." I shivered, chilled by a draught. My sweat was evaporating and the air was getting cool.

"Come on, let's get under the blankets," Loghain said. We got properly under the blankets and he wrapped his arms around me and we spooned. "I could get used to this," he whispered into my ear. His warm, comforting presence gave me the illusion of safety and security I so desperately wanted after talking to Riordan. I found the disturbing thoughts that had plagued me all afternoon were quiet while I was with Loghain.

"Me too," I said. Loghain's deep regular breathing, his warmth, and the steady beating of his heart lulled me asleep.

~o~o~o~

_The tentacles wrapped around my arms and legs and the bloated_ _face laughed as I fought against my imprisonment. Enormous yellow eyes, slitted pupils filled with evil intent, in a reptilian face turned to watch my struggles. The giant lizard laughed. A gout of purple flame billowed toward me..._

"Shush, Lucy. It's just a dream."

Loghain was holding my arms with his and his legs had pinned mine. "You were flailing about. That must have been some dream."

"The archdemon again, and ... something else." I looked into his face, he looked concerned. "I hope I didn't kick you."

"Does this happen often?" he asked, ignoring my concern.

"Too often for my tastes," I said. "It seems like the archdemon likes to remind me he hasn't forgotten we're there and he hasn't quite killed us all yet."

"He isn't going to, Lucy. Riordan is going to kill him." He kissed me on my eyelids. "Go back to sleep, my dear."

I turned so I was facing him and buried my face into his chest and I fell asleep again quickly.

_~o~o~o~_

**Note: **_In case you're not familiar with it, Debbie Downer was a Saturday Night Live character who had the ability to depress everyone around her even in the happiest circumstances. I decided Danny was a decent nickname for Riordan, thus he became Danny Downer._

_There's another wonderful debate about Loghain going on over at PeopleOfThedas (Google for it, I can't link it). It might provide some background for why I'm writing a rather sympathetic portrayal of the guy. It's a very lively DA:O discussion group, so you might want to check it out.  
_


	34. The Scarlet Letter

_**The Scarlet Letter**_

I came back to the estate later in the morning, having slept in after Loghain left. The seneschal greeted me and handed me a box of berries and a note.

"These came for you, my lady," he said.

"Thank you, Gerold." I took the berries to my room and closed the door. I was experiencing such a strange mash-up of emotions: Fear, depression, shame, elation... that last one was definitely strange. Fear and depression; understandable. I was probably going to die soon. Shame, sure. I was using sex to get what I wanted from Loghain. I'd had more sexual partners in the last few months than I'd had in the last fifteen years. As much as I liked to feel that there was nothing wrong with that, there was a little, old, puritanical lady named Abigail in my head, embroidering a large scarlet '_A_', or perhaps '_W_', for me to wear. At least I knew now I couldn't get kicked out of the Grey Wardens for promiscuity. In fact, it might earn me a nickname and a place in the history books.

Elation though; that was the strangest emotion yet. I felt like my blood was carbonated. I knew that feeling. I'd felt it many times in my life. It was infatuation, perhaps lust, maybe even that other word that started with the letter _'L'. _And then we cycled back around to fear again. Fear of being hurt, fear of loss, fear of dying... Thinking like this was pointless; it would just paralyze me. I opened the note.

_I didn't think at my age there were any more surprises in store for me. You keep proving me wrong._

_LMT_

I slid down against a wall in my room and stared at the note. The parchment soaked up my tears as they fell on the paper and the ink ran down the page. Who would have guessed the cantankerous general could possibly express such a sentiment?

_~o~o~o~_

"I'm sorry I didn't come by earlier. I should have," I told Alistair, feeling ashamed for retreating into my own private despair and not thinking about him. I entered his room and shut the door. I wanted to talk over what we learned yesterday from Riordan.

He shrugged and gestured for me to sit. "It's okay. As you keep reminding me, we're Grey Wardens, we have to sacrifice everything to stop the Blight, including our lives and our honor."

I went into his room at sat in a chair. I sensed trouble brewing. "I haven't sacrificed my honor. At least, I don't believe I have. Have you?"

"How can sleeping with a man you don't care for be honorable?" He picked up his sword and started cleaning it.

I looked out the window. _It looks like rain._ The clouds were hanging heavily in the sky. It would be muddy in Denerim after a hard rain. I wasn't looking forward to that at all. _What is it like, flying in rain?_

"Maker's breath." he swore, "You care for him? You actually like that traitorous piece of … after what he did to us? To the Grey Wardens? To Cailan? To Riordan?"

_It was like having a debate with a badly scratched record!_ "Al, he is _not_ a traitor. He loves this country. He is ruthless, yes, a bit paranoid perhaps, but he only does what he feels he must do to save the country. He's not that much different from us."

"What did it take for him to win you over? How many times in bed before your allegiance changes?"

I stood up, my face burning. "That's completely unfair!" My voice crept up in decibels as my temper frayed. "My allegiances have _not _changed."

Alistair smiled grimly. "Just where do you go every night? Who has seduced whom? How do you know you're not being played?" He was shouting now, his face was turning red.

I was about to shout a reply when I felt that itching, pulling sensation. I recognized it this time. It was Riordan calling us. It shut down my response and all I could muster was an angry look at Alistair as we both turned to leave his room.

We were still glaring at each other as we entered Riordan's room.

"Close the door, please," he asked Alistair. "Both of you sit. You two need to resolve this conflict before it tears you apart completely. There are only three of us remaining and it is essential we work well together." His voice was calm and placid. I got the feeling he rarely showed emotion. "Now, what is the problem?"

I gestured to Alistair to go first.

"She is _sleeping_ with Loghain! She even takes his side on what he did in Ostagar. According to her he can do no wrong. Now she even _likes_ him."

I bumped my head against the wall, trying not to interrupt, but my frustration was overflowing.

"Sister, what is your response?" Riordan asked patiently.

"I believe Loghain did what was necessary at Ostagar to preserve the remaining military forces. That there were tragic loses, no one debates, but throwing his army into that massacre would not have changed anything and would have left us worse off than we are now."

Riordan nodded. "That is conceivable. Did either of you see the battle?"

We both shook our heads. "We were lighting the beacon in the tower, and we were delayed by the darkspawn," I said.

"He turned away assistance at the border!" Alistair said, pointing at me.

"True, but he was afraid the Orlesians wouldn't leave after the Blight was handled. That was a very large force of non-Wardens that came along with them. Maybe Orlais is perfectly safe as an ally nowadays, I have no idea, but Loghain certainly doesn't think so. I don't know what has been going on since the Orlesians were expelled from the country. None of us know what sort of plots or assassination attempts may have been tried or what they've been up to, if anything. Loghain might be paranoid, or he might be perfectly reasonable in questioning the wisdom of allowing four legions of chevaliers across the border. In neither case is he a _traitor _as you call him."

I crossed the room and found a chair to sit in. "In any event, since I've talked with him he regrets having turned away the Grey Wardens." I thought it best to not mention I was telling him our secrets.

"You've lost all objectivity, Elissa. He was allied with Howe. Look at the unspeakable things Howe did in his name," Alistair said, his voice heating up again.

"He didn't know what Howe was up to. He's arrested Howe and I'm sure he'll do a better job of monitoring his allies," I said, keeping a lid on my temper now.

Riordan looked at me, his eyes assessing me impassively. "Have you lost your objectivity?"

"No!" I stood up and paced. "I haven't. I do like Loghain, but I'm not his tool. I'm simply finding he's not the unreasonable monster _some_ would have us believe." I sighed, feeling impatient. "I've had some influence on him. We certainly can't abandon our alliance with him now. We're so close to success, with the Landsmeet only a short ways off."

Riordan looked at us both. "Leave us, Lucy."

I nodded. _Sweet Maker_, I hoped he could talk some sense into Alistair!

_~o~o~o~_

I was practicing some of the exercises that Wynne had taught me. I shot a tiny lightning bolt out of my finger into a portrait of Rendon Howe, leaving a small pock mark on his cheek. She wanted me to be able to control the size and area of my spells. It seemed fairly straightforward to me, I couldn't understand why she fussed over it so much. I adjusted my warm water spell so that steam would come out of my ears and nostrils. It could be quite theatrical, something previously only done by cartoon characters. I stood in front of the mirror and practiced until the mirror was fogged up and my hair went crazy with the humidity.

There was a tap on my door and Riordan came in.

"Lucy, sit. We should talk." He looked around my room and saw water dripping down the mirror and noticed the warm humidity in my room. "What have you been doing?"

I shot a puff of steam out of my nose and ears.

"Very amusing," he laughed. "The archdemon will be impressed."

I smiled. "It's good practice. Wynne wants me to have more control over my magic and if I blow this spell I'll scorch my nostrils."

"I think I managed to explain to Alistair that what you're doing is beneficial to our goal. But I wonder if he isn't right. Have you lost your objectivity? Sometimes people lose themselves in an intense relationship, they can lose track of their own interests. You can't afford to do that, Lucy."

I didn't answer him. I furrowed my brow. _Had I? I cared for Loghain. How easy is it to see things his way when I find such pleasure and comfort with him?_ "In all honesty, I'm more sympathetic to him now than I was. I'm more willing to believe him. I've spent some time with him now and I find him credible."

"Is he your only lover?" he asked.

I boggled at Riordan. "That seems like a rather personal question. How is that even relevant?"

"My apologies, but it is relevant. You've acknowledged that your passions are … enhanced since you became a Grey Warden, no? Sometimes people tend to fall in love when they're sleeping with someone, even if that wasn't their intent. The heightened state of a Grey Warden could make that even more likely. "

"What are you suggesting I do? Take another lover?" I frowned. "It's bad enough I slept with a man just to manipulate him. I was fortunate enough to actually find I … like him." I suddenly felt miserable. I _wasn't_ being objective, at least not completely, but I was having success in influencing Loghain. I leaned my head against a bedpost and frowned. Zevran and Teagan knew how things stood with me, Loghain didn't. Abigail's scarlet '_W_' was becoming larger by the minute.

Riordan put an arm around me to comfort me. "I know, Sister. The Grey Wardens ask for a lot of sacrifices, especially during a Blight. You need to think like a Grey Warden now, not a woman. Having another lover will blunt your passion for Loghain."

"I'll take it under advisement," I said.

"That's all I can ask." He squeezed my shoulder and left.

I turned to the mirror and looked into it. "Hey, Elissa. You'd never believe what I'm doing with your body," I said. "It's for a good cause though."

_~o~o~o~_

The nobles from the Bannorn began to arrive about ten days before the Landsmeet. Teagan was one of the first and the next day his brother arrived. Loghain was getting broodier than normal and his mood was contagious. We spent more time talking than we had before. I was flying into his sitting room window every night at our prearranged time and spending the night with him. If he thought a particular noble was going to be a problem I'd go talk to them and try to convince them. So far it was working well. No one other than my circle of companions knew that Loghain and I were connected, at least as intimately as we were.

I convinced Bann Sighard and Bann Alfstanna that Loghain had sent us to investigate Howe's dungeon and that I would personally see to it that Howe paid for his various crimes. It took some work to convince them that Loghain wasn't caught up in Howe's plots, but seeing that a Cousland, one of the most aggrieved of Howe's victims, didn't hold Loghain responsible helped immensely.

The day Teagan arrived he sent a note to me, asking me to visit at my earliest convenience. I took him at his word and went immediately. He had a nice home in Denerim. I wouldn't call it an estate by any stretch of the imagination, but it was very comfortable and homey. I was happy to see Bertrand, the elven man from Redcliffe who ratted out Isolde, open the door.

"My lady!" Bertrand exclaimed, bowing low to me. "Andraste be praised! I am happy to see you again."

I smiled broadly at Bertrand. "I'm happy to see you! How is your wife? Has she delivered yet?"

"Yes, ma'am. We had a baby boy just three weeks ago. They both bide well."

"Are things going well for you with Bann Teagan?"

"Oh yes, ma'am. Our circumstances are much improved."

I handed Bertrand a sovereign. "Please Bertrand, buy your young one something nice for me."

"Thank you. May Andraste bless you." He bowed to me again and directed me into the house. "I will let my lord know you're here."

I nodded my thanks to Bertrand. It warmed my heart to see he was happy in his new job. I didn't have to wait long before I heard footsteps running down the stairs and saw Teagan.

"Lucy!" He grinned at me and swept me into his arms and spun me around. "I am so happy to see you." He put his hand through my hair and kissed me. I had forgotten what his kisses were like and how he smelled. It was only five weeks since we had been together, but my body had forgotten nothing. I curled my hand around his jaw and trailed it down his throat.

"Teagan," I said, throatily, "It is good to see you again." I pulled away from him, wanting nothing more than to completely renew our acquaintance.

"Is this Landsmeet because of you?" he asked.

"I think so. Loghain took some convincing, but he did eventually come to see the merit of my proposed alliance. I think we can avert the civil war. He has promised us help for raising our allies. We are going to unite the country and fight this Blight, Teagan. We even found another Grey Warden."

At the mention of Loghain his face changed. "So your plan worked?"

I nodded knowing what he was probably feeling, but he asked me not to tell him, so I wouldn't. "What news do you have, Teagan?" I shifted the focus to him.

"Nothing has changed between my brother and me. We haven't really spoken since shortly after you left. I'm sure he still plans to oppose Loghain at the Landsmeet. He is going to propose Alistair for the throne."

I sighed. "But Alistair wouldn't accept. Why does he persist?"

Teagan shrugged. "I think he believes he can talk Alistair into it."

Something nagged at me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Why would Eamon believe he could succeed? I wanted to think about it more, but Teagan was pulling me by the hand. "Come on," he said. "Let's go see what there is to eat in the kitchen. I know you're always hungry." He was smiling at me again. Maybe he had been able to put Loghain behind him already.

We had a meal; well, I did. Teagan had a snack. A bottle of wine washed it down and Teagan produced a sweet confection for me; a treat made of marzipan, caramel and candied pecans. He insisted on feeding it to me himself and kissing the residue off my lips afterward.

He leaned over and whispered to me, "I want you, Lucy."

I smiled at him and kissed him. "You realize that things are a little more complicated than they were before?"

He nodded. "They're always complicated with you. I've come to accept that."

"Only until after the Blight." My face became more serious. "I think ending the Blight will make everything much simpler." _Because I'll be dead, _I thought. I brought Teagan's head to mine and kissed him. He pulled me by the hand and we walked up the stairs to his room together.

_Happy now, Danny? _Abigail sent me a very dirty look and the '_W_' got even bigger. _Shut up, bitch, _I told her.

_~o~o~o~_

_**Note: **__Sorry for all the sturm und drang, aka angst. I should not write when listening to Barber's Adagio for Strings. Coming up, the drama gets more angsty... then better... then worse... then it levels off some... The scarlet letter becomes utterly enormous, and they use it to suffocate the archdemon. Gosh! I just gave away the entire plot. Oops__.  
_

_Thank you all for the reviews! I love it that some of you see Loghain in a different light now. Some of us always knew the man was complicated, right Arsinoe? :)_

_Thanks for de-crufting my stuff, Biff!  
_


	35. Circling the Drain

**Note:**_ My thanks to Biff McLaughlin for beta-reading and taming the damage my wayward fingers do when they're on a bend._

_**Circling the Drain**_

The next morning I was surprised to find Alistair at my door. I invited him in and we chatted about things that wouldn't provoke either of us into an argument. He fidgeted a little and I could see he had something to say to me, but I didn't rush him. I danced carefully around certain topics trying not to inflame another fight. We discussed the upcoming Landsmeet and my discussion with Teagan about Eamon being hell-bent on putting Alistair on the throne.

Alistair shook his head. "I'm not even remotely interested. I've gone to see Eamon a couple of times since he arrived, just to say 'hello'. He keeps bringing it up even after I tell him '_no_'."

Something prickled in my mind, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I just didn't know enough about this world to understand why Eamon would continue on if Alistair was rejecting it. It seemed pointless to me. I shrugged it off; it was probably nothing.

There was a little awkward silence as the topic was exhausted. Sudden Alistair reached for my hand. "I'm sorry, Lissy. I know I haven't been supportive. Riordan told me what you were doing was necessary. I just... I hate that man. I don't think I'll ever stop hating him even though I know we have to work with him. Even if everything you say is true, I can't forgive him."

His confession of his visceral hatred of Loghain was something. At least now that he had acknowledged it perhaps he could learn how to deal with it. I hugged Alistair. "I'm sorry too. I know I haven't been faultless in this. It upset me very much to have us so at odds. I know that it must be hard to see me spend time with him and to learn I even like the man you hate." I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me. "Did Riordan tell you about Garahel?" I asked.

"Yeah, Garahel, the Irresistible." Alistair laughed. "I wonder if that's on his tombstone in Weisshaupt?"

I laughed at the thought. "Here lies Garahel, the Irresistible. Great fighter, great lover and the savior of the world."

Alistair laughed harder. "He sacrificed much so that we might live."

I laughed with him, thinking of how sleeping his way across the Free Marches was a terrible sacrifice, but then I remembered he slayed the archdemon and thus died. My laughter dried up and so did Alistair's. "It scares the crap out of me, Al," I confessed. "One of us..." I couldn't go on.

Alistair hugged me tightly. "It scares me too. Why is that? We might end up dead anywhere along the line."

"I know, silly isn't it? It's just so... probable. The odds aren't in our favor with only the three of us."

Alistair nodded sadly and let go of me.

"We have an enormous job in front of us with a lousy end in store," I said. "We gotta do this as friends. The three of us are the only ones who understand. We have to be tight."

The tension that had been between us for a long time melted away. I showed Alistair my new trick of shooting steam out of my ears and nose and it made him laugh. I realized suddenly I could steam away the wrinkles in our clothes. This society was missing out on a lot by not embracing mages in their midst.

_~o~o~o~_

We were all eating our mid-day meal when we heard the clanking of armor and weapons. I paused with a wine glass raised to my lips and listened. I exchanged a puzzled glance with Alistair. Then there was a loud pounding at the front door and I heard a servant answer it. I turned my attention back to my meal, it was probably nothing.

The seneschal hurried nervously into the dining room and I rose. "What is it, Gerold?"

"There are soldiers at the front door, my lady. They're asking for the Grey Wardens. I believe they're from the Regent."

Loghain? I wasn't expecting any sort of military escort. What was going on? "Is the Regent with them?" I asked.

"No, my lady, it is just the soldiers."

Alistair, Riordan and I got up from the table and followed Gerold to the front door. Cauthrien and a few of Loghain's guards I recognized were there, as well as a number of soldiers I didn't recognize. There were about a dozen armed people. My stomach lurched.

"Sorry to disturb you, my lady," Cauthrien said, "but we are here on the Regent's orders. The Grey Warden, Alistair, is under arrest for treason."

My mouth gaped open. "What?" I looked at Alistair and he looked every bit as shocked as I did.

"The warrant is here if you wish to read it." Cauthrien handed me a document.

I read it while Riordan peered over my shoulder. "Conspiring to overthrow the Regent and Queen? I'm sorry, this is wrong," I said to Cauthrien. I looked at Alistair. "Al, do you know anything about this?"

"I... what? No! I haven't conspired to do any such thing. Eamon keeps at me but I'd never do that."

"You've been to see Eamon..." I said, remembering. It was beginning to sink in. Of course, Alistair being seen in proximity to Eamon would set off all sorts of alarm bells for Loghain. I'd told Loghain about Eamon's plan. Perhaps he had assumed they were working together to overthrow him and Anora. Of course those visits would look suspicious. Even worse, what if Eamon had done this on purpose? What if he had done this intending to sacrifice Alistair so that we would abandon our support of Loghain?

"Lucy, what is going on here?" Riordan asked.

Did Riordan even know Alistair was Maric's by-blow? I don't recall telling him anything about that and I didn't know if Alistair did. "It's just a misunderstanding," I said, panic rising. On the very verge of the Landsmeet the alliance I had painstakingly wrought was teetering on the brink of destruction. If any of us did the wrong thing now it was over. I grasped Alistair's arm to reassure him. "Al, you need to go with them. We will untangle this mess. I'm not exactly certain what is going on, but I promise you we won't abandon you."

"I did nothing, Lissy." He looked to Riordan. "Brother, don't let this happen!"

Riordan looked conflicted. I was afraid he would draw his weapon and then we could kiss the alliance goodbye. I placed a hand on his arm and shook my head. "Please, trust me, Danny. This can be resolved without bloodshed." He looked at me, his brows drawn down. I really, really hoped he trusted me enough to listen to me.

He nodded at me. "We will have you out soon, Alistair. One way or another."

Cauthrien turned to me and said, "The Regent wishes to speak with you right away, Warden Cousland."

"Yes, of course." I wanted to speak with him too. Boy, did I want to speak to him. Actually, right now I wanted to throttle him.

"Please leave your weapons here," Cauthrien told us.

I took off my weapons and placed them on a table in the foyer. Alistair looked like he was about to resist but I took his hand and looked into his eyes. "Please, trust me in this." He looked at me for a long moment and nodded. He took off his sword and shield and let them clatter to the ground.

We were both escorted to Fort Drakon. Cauthrien stopped me in the entrance but most of the soldiers continued with Alistair. "Don't harm him!" I warned them. "It'll be your jobs if you do." Why would they listen to me? Most of them knew nothing about my connection to Loghain.

"He'll be fine, my lady. The Regent gave instructions to treat him well." Cauthrien pointed down the hall, "He is here." I followed her down the hallway and she opened a door for me and waited outside.

Loghain was standing in front of the fireplace; he turned to look at me as I walked in.

"What is going on, Loghain?" I glared at him.

"Sit down, Lucy."

"No. You've just arrested my friend and one of the three remaining Grey Wardens in Ferelden. I don't want to sit." I walked over to him and grabbed his arm. "Why are you doing this?"

He looked into my eyes. "You knew nothing about Alistair and Eamon plotting to overthrow my daughter and me?"

I shook my head, stunned. "You know how hard I've been working to make this alliance work. I've covered things up for you! I've told you Grey Warden secrets. I've risked... _everything_ so we could prevent a civil war and could keep the country stable to fight the Blight."

"And yet you didn't know your fellow Grey Warden was plotting against me?" Loghain said, wryly. "Didn't you slap me for not knowing what Rendon Howe was up to? I'm not the only one who needs to watch their allies more closely."

"Alistair wasn't plotting against you. What evidence do you have?"

"He met with Eamon on two occasions and my spies tell me the topic of conversation was naming him as Cailan's successor."

"I already told you that Eamon wanted to do that, but Alistair would never go along with it. He knows he isn't qualified to rule and he doesn't want to." I paused to think. I hadn't thought about Alistair going to visit Eamon. It never even crossed my mind it would be a problem. God, I was naïve at times_. _In my world it might get you watched by the FBI but not arrested, unless they had good evidence against you. But this wasn't my world and I just didn't know how things worked. There was no Bill of Rights protecting us from the paranoia of the leaders.

His voice was implacable. "I don't know what his response was; my spies didn't hear it. Lucy, I won't risk Eamon dividing the country by trying to put a puppet on the throne. I am sorry, but Alistair is a risk to the stability of the country, especially if Eamon announces to everyone at the Landsmeet that Maric left a bastard."

"What if Alistair renounces all claim to the throne in front of the Landsmeet?"

"I don't trust that Eamon will leave it alone. He'll be back at him sooner or later."

I glared at Loghain. "Can't you see? The problem here isn't Alistair, it's Eamon. You should be throwing Eamon in prison!" I slammed my fist into my open hand. "What if he did this just so you would arrest Alistair knowing it would break our alliance? You may very well be playing into his plan."

Loghain shook his head. "You could be right, but I can't arrest Eamon. He's too popular to touch. That would catapult us directly into a civil war."

"Fuck!" I swore. "Why did I ever get that cure for him?" I slumped down into a chair finally, feeling defeated, and buried my head into my hands. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" I cursed at myself. "I didn't know... I just didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was rescuing a nice, old man. Alistair's foster father."

Loghain said nothing for a moment but I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Don't blame yourself. Like you said, you didn't know." He squatted down beside my chair and said softly. "I trust you. Maker knows, I shouldn't. I saw what happened to Maric with that bard... he almost lost everything. I know you want this alliance as much as I do, but this is a threat I can't ignore."

"I wish I could go back in time and redo everything." Sten had been right. It was a waste of time getting those goddamned ashes, even worse, it jeopardized everything. Everything! Eamon should have died. I looked up at Loghain, my eyes pleading. "What if I could fix it? What if he were dead?" I bit my lip, realizing I was proposing murder.

Is this worse than anything else I've done? I killed that pig in Howe's dungeon, how is Eamon any different? Oh, right. He's Alistair's foster father until he let his wife run him off. What do I tell Alistair? "_Sorry Bro, I killed your foster father. Sure hope you don't mind, but you know, Blight and all - he had to go_." Obviously I don't tell him. I dress in black and attend the funeral and give him support through the difficult times ahead. Someone had pulled the plug on the morality bathtub and I was circling the drain.

Loghain looked at me with surprise. "Are you proposing to murder Eamon?"

I nodded. "I will do it, if you let Alistair go free."

"If Eamon is murdered my hand might be suspected." Loghain stood up and looked at me.

"What if he had an accident? Or died suddenly of a heart attack? I'm sure I could make it look accidental. I travel with an assassin after all."

He put his hand on his chin, thinking. "That would solve a number of problems." He shook his head. "I can't ask you to do this. You're not an assassin. I won't make a murderer out of you."

"I keep telling Alistair we have to do what we must to end the Blight. It would be hypocritical of me to balk at this, just because Eamon seems like a nice, old man." I stood up and walked over to the fireplace. "Flemeth told me about this. Perhaps this was what she saw."

"Flemeth is a crazy, old witch. Don't do this, Lucy."

"Is there another way? If there is, tell me, but I won't give up Alistair. He's my friend and my brother. The country needs all of us to end this Blight."

"All right. If Eamon dies, I will free Alistair." He walked over and embraced me. "I'm sorry, Lucy." He looked me in the eyes, his own looked sad and pained. "You and I are walking a very grim path together. I took the Regency so Anora wouldn't have to do these things, make these decisions and be tainted by them, but you..."

I looked up at him, hating him and yet caring for him at the same time. "I just want this fucking Landsmeet over so I can get on with my job."

He laughed. "I know the feeling."

"When it is done, I will let you know." I knew my face was grim.

I turned to leave but he caught my arm. "Lucy." He pulled me into him and kissed me. I couldn't respond; I felt sick. He rubbed his thumb across my cheek. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"It is what it is." I turned from him and left. Cauthrien escorted me out of Fort Drakon.

I walked home slowly, plotting a murder.

_~o~o~o~_

Riordan was pacing the foyer when I got back to the estate. It was possibly the most emotional I had ever seen him.

"What is happening, Sister? Why was Alistair arrested?"

I had been debating all the way home what to tell Riordan. Do I tell him I'm going to murder Alistair's foster father? I didn't really know how committed Grey Wardens were about that whole _do whatever it takes to stop a Blight_ thing. Maybe it was just lip-service. Clearly I was pushing the envelope here, or it seemed that way to me. What if I told Riordan my plan and he refused to let me follow through? What if he insisted we try to fight the regime instead? I had gotten all the way home without figuring out what to do. I dug a coin out of my purse and flipped it. Heads.

I pulled Riordan into my room and shut the door. "Did you know that Alistair is Maric's son?"

Riordan shook his head. "What? Seriously?"

I nodded. "I'm so new to this world, I don't always understand the implications of these things, but his foster father, Arl Eamon, has been trying to talk him into taking the throne. Alistair isn't interested and won't agree to it, but Eamon intends to force the issue at the Landsmeet. This will divide the Landsmeet and possibly plunge us into the civil war we've been trying to avoid."

Riordan rubbed his scruffy chin. "If Alistair won't agree to it, why would he insist?"

I frowned. "I can only guess, but I think perhaps it is because he knows that Loghain would arrest Alistair to prevent this, and that would cause us to abandon Loghain." I shrugged. "Or maybe he thinks eventually he'll talk Alistair into it. Loghain got wind of this and thought Alistair and Eamon were conspiring to overthrow the current regime."

Riordan's gaze was piercing. "Did you set him straight?"

"Yes... I think Loghain believes me that Alistair is just being used as a pawn in this. But it doesn't matter! If Eamon goes in front of the Landsmeet and declares there's a Theirin heir waiting in the wings he will divide the Landsmeet and we could well end up with the civil war we've been working so hard to avoid."

"So he wants to get rid of Alistair so it won't be an issue?" Riordan asked, his brow furrowing.

"I pointed out that Alistair isn't the problem here, Eamon is." I waited, looking at Riordan to see if he might follow my logic.

"So why doesn't he arrest Eamon?"

"He is too popular to touch. If it looks like he has done something to Eamon, we could end up in civil war as the Landsmeet revolts."

Riordan threw up his hands and huffed with his exasperation. "So, you came up with a solution?"

I nodded. I walked over to the brandy decanter and poured him a generous amount. "Sit down, Danny. Have a drink."

He took the drink from me and eyed me suspiciously. "I take it this isn't good news?"

"I learned from the best how to break the bad news," I said, smiling wanly.

He gulped it down. "Go on then, let's hear it."

"Arl Eamon needs to have an accident before the Landsmeet."

Riordan sighed and put down the glass. "You mean he needs to die? Lucy... there must be another way."

"If you see it, tell me. I'm all out of ideas."

Riordan got up and paced the room. "We could replace Loghain and Anora."

"Not without a civil war. I've been hard at work recruiting nobles to support them."

"We could blackmail Eamon."

"I don't know that we could dig up anything that quickly on him and there's no guarantee it would work," I said. "We have five days until the Landsmeet."

Riordan sighed and sat down. "I don't see another way. What do we tell Alistair?"

This was just horrible. I had just reconciled with Alistair. We were friends again; now I had to kill his foster father. "He can't know, of course. I'll just tell him I managed to persuade Loghain. Which is true. We don't need to tell him everything."

"Do you have a plan yet, Sister?"

"Not yet. Let's consult with Zevran. If anyone should know how to pull this off, he would."

_~o~o~o~_

**Note: **_Thanks for the reviews! They really make my day. It helps me to know if I'm connecting with my audience, so your feedback is always welcome... in fact, craved.  
_

**(Spoiler Alert for **_**The Stolen Throne) **__The reference to Maric losing almost everything was in the book "The Stolen Throne" when Maric falls in love with Katriel, an Orlesian bard who is spying for the usurper. She betrays him horribly and the rebellion is nearly lost, almost everyone is killed._


	36. Death by

_**Death by Poison (Four Days before the Landsmeet)**_

I was the crow in the tree. Zevran was the Crow hiding behind the chimney. Eamon was enjoying his breakfast outside in the bright, summer sun. It was a warm morning. He sat on a stone bench and laughed at the antics of a young cat chasing bugs through the grass. It was obvious the man was fond of animals and the cat was fond of him. It reminded me of my poor old cat I'd left behind. I felt a moment of longing for the old fellow - my cat, not Eamon - in my lap purring his heart out and soaking up all the love I had to give him.

I held a tiny vial nervously in my beak. One slip up and I would end up an ex-crow, pining for the fjords, exhausted from a prolonged squawk, and I wouldn't voom if you put a million volts through me. There was a plug in the vial that would dissolve quickly in liquid and release the contents, a deadly neurotoxin. Eamon would look like he died from a sudden heart attack. He was old enough, no one would suspect otherwise. We just needed Eamon to be distracted, then I would fly over and drop the vial into the cup of warmed milk.

My opportunity finally came when Isolde walked into the garden and Eamon got up to greet her. He walked over to the garden gate and kissed her. I swooped down from my tree branch, perched momentarily on the stone bench, and dropped the vial into the cup of warm milk.

"Oh look!" Isolde cried, "that nasty bird is trying to steal your breakfast. Get the bird, Bête!" She looked at the cat and pointed at me. The cat looked uninterested in starting anything, probably because I had flown off before he could react. Besides I was nearly as big as the cat was.

Isolde and Eamon settled down on the bench together chatting. Isolde seemed to be complaining about something. I had a feeling that wasn't unusual. Eamon looked like he had tuned her out, saying "Yes, my dear," and interjecting acknowledgments rotely. That was probably not unusual either. Poor guy, I thought, perhaps death would be a welcome respite from that.

Eamon reached for the cup of milk when Isolde fussed at him over something. She pulled a handkerchief out of her sleeve and spit on it, rubbing at his cheek. He set the cup down and endured her spit-bath. Now Isolde was being far too much of a distraction. Let the poor guy drink his milk, sheesh! I debated flying over Isolde and crapping on her head.

The cat, Bête, joined the couple on the bench. Isolde leaned over to pick the cat up and spilled the glass of milk, some of it onto Eamon's trousers. I cawed my fury and hoped up and down on my branch. _You stupid, clumsy cow! _Eamon hopped up, with Isolde following him, her mouth running the entire time. They went inside to clean up the spilt milk. The cat ran over to the milk and began to lap up what he could from the bench.

_NO KITTY! _I tried to dive-bomb the cat to drive it away. It looked like such a nice cat. Bête stood his ground and even swiped at me with his claws, hissing with territorial fury. It didn't matter. The cat had consumed enough of the potent poison. He suddenly lost interest in me and took off running across the garden like he was trying to outrun his death. Of course he failed. He was seized mid-stride by the toxin and went rigid when his heart and lungs stopped working. He teetered for a moment and then fell over. I would have cried had I the tear ducts to bring forth the tears. Instead I few up to the chimney and cawed at Zevran morosely.

"Tsk, tsk, an unfortunate casualty," Zevran whispered. "We very nearly succeeded. If Isolde hadn't been so clumsy Eamon would be resting peacefully now." He smirked at me. "I knew you should have let me kill her after she poisoned you."

I shrugged, my wings spread out, my head bobbing down.

"I suppose I must dispose of the evidence." Zevran said. He carefully climbed down to the grounds and picked up the vial with gloved hands and collected the dead cat. He chucked them over the fence and disappeared over it himself.

I flew home and went to my room and cried for the dead cat. Of all the things I'd done, I think this one felt the worst, so far.

_~o~o~o~_

"We have four days left," I told them, pacing the floor of Riordan's bedroom. "We can't fail again."

"It's not so difficult, mia cara," Zevran said. "We were just unlucky."

Riordan looked almost agitated. "We need to have a plan just in case we don't succeed killing Eamon. We will need to get Alistair out of Fort Drakon. There is always the possibility that Loghain could decide not to honor his agreement."

Would he do that? Go back on his word to me? So far he had been completely honest with me but I knew him well enough to know if there was a compelling reason to betray me, he would do it. Arresting Alistair had proven that. "What do we know of Eamon's habits?" I asked.

"He breaks his fast in the garden when the weather is fine," Zevran said. "We could try that one again, but it looks like a storm is moving in."

"What about bandits?" I said.

Zevran shook his head. "Dying to bandits looks too much like murder, someone might suspect Loghain's hand in that."

"Does the man have any vices? Does he frequent a whorehouse?" Riordan asked. "Men frequently suffer fatal heart attacks when engaged in vigorous sex."

I chewed my lip. "That sounds like a great idea, but how could we ensure he would visit a whore? Which one would he choose and could we depend on her silence?"

"I agree, if we had more time, that would be an excellent way, but our time frame is too narrow," Zevran replied.

I tried to think about his house and what I had seen yesterday. "There were some stone statues around the edge of the roof at the arl's home. What if one came loose and fell on him?"

Zevran snapped his fingers. "Even a loose slate tile could crash down on his head and do the job." He hesitated, thinking for a moment. "It's not a bad idea. The timing might be a little tricky, but he only needs to be halted at the edge of the roof line for a moment. A well-timed distraction would work."

We all agreed that the loose slate tiles would be worth a try. Zevran and I spent the evening on the roof setting it up. All we needed was a distraction.

_**Death by Tile (3 Days before the Landsmeet)**_

We waited on the roof until the arl came out to walk his mabari. I flew low over the arl and crapped on his shoulder.

"Maker's balls!" he swore. He stopped in his tracks and got out a kerchief and wiped the crap off his shoulder. "Damn these crows!" He shook his fist at me and his mabari almost seemed to laugh.

I watched from a nearby tree as Zevran pushed the tiles over the edge of the roof. Just as he did, the arl stepped to the side to pick something up off the ground and the tiles came crashing down, barely missing him but hitting the marbari squarely on the head.

Arl Eamon howled with despair. "Bertie! Oh, Bertie! Nooooo!" He bent down to see to his dog and then realized that it might be dangerous to stay in that position if anymore tiles came loose.

I sat in the tree watching the arl mourning for his deceased dog. I wondered if perhaps we could kill the arl from a broken heart. I flapped back to our estate with a very heavy heart.

_~o~o~o~_

The meeting in Riordan's room was even more agitated than the prior day's. My eyes were swollen and red from crying over the death of the innocent mabari. Zevran was obviously suffering from professional humiliation and Riordan was ready to storm Fort Drakon and free Alistair.

"Brasca! We need to have more control over the environment. We can only do so much around his home, there are too many eyes," Zevran said, pacing.

"Lucy, we can't play at this any longer, we need to rescue Alistair from Fort Drakon. If the alliance fails, then so be it," Riordan said.

My stomach clenched at the thought. "No, Danny, think it through!" I said. "We can't let this country become divided when we have a Blight to fight."

"Are you proposing we let them keep Alistair? They're probably going to execute him, you must realize that."

"Execute him? What... why?" My gut was roiling now.

"Even sitting in prison he's a threat to the regime," Riordan said, his hands slashing across his throat. "He'll be dead by the Landsmeet, I'm sure of it."

I felt lightheaded. If Alistair died... it would be my fault. My fault for trusting Loghain as far as I did.

"We will try one more time," I said, sternly. "This time we will not fail. Danny, can you learn whatever you must about Fort Drakon and come up with a plan to rescue Alistair should we fail, which we're not going to, but just in case."

Zevran and I went to my room and we brainstormed. I wished I knew more magic, perhaps I could have used a paralysis spell to stop his heart, but there wasn't enough time to learn now. Besides, there were always templars to deal with.

"Does Eamon ride?" I asked. "He had a fine stable at Redcliffe. What if we could replace one of his horses with me? He takes me out for a ride and doesn't come back."

Zevran shrugged. "Could you ask his brother?"

"I would but Teagan might figure it out." I grimaced at the thought. "He might anyway, if his brother is killed by a horse."

"No, Lucy. I don't think Teagan would be capable of believing that of you. The man adores you."

The observation was like a dagger to the heart. He adores me and I'm going to kill his brother."All right then, let's do this. I'll replace Eamon's favorite horse, making myself into an identical copy. Hopefully he will take me out for a ride. I can throw him, trample him and run off."

We waited until after dark and went to the stables. From listening into conversations around the stable we learned that the roan mare with black mane was the arl's favorite. After everyone went inside for the evening, Zevran opened the stable door and brought out the horse. I examined her closely and transformed. Zevran looked at me carefully and compared me to the mare. "Close enough," he whispered.

I went into the stable and took the place of the mare. I wasn't looking forward to spending more time as a horse, but I had to do it. I heard Zevran locking the stable and leading the other horse away. If anything I was more nervous and keyed up than I had been waiting for Loghain.

_**Death by Falling (Two days before the Landsmeet)**_

The stable boy let all the other horses out into the pasture. He kept me inside the stable and combed my coat carefully, whistling off-key the entire time. He fetched some tack and started getting me ready for a ride. Was the arl coming for a ride or was someone else going to ride me? I tried to stay calm but my nervousness was building. I heard a footstep crunch on gravel outside the stable and I turned my head to see who was coming.

"Is she ready, lad?" the familiar voice said.

It was Eamon! I snorted with anticipation. I only hoped he was going to take me out somewhere where I could run away easily afterward.

"Nearly, my lord," the stable boy said. He put the bit in my mouth and finished readying me and led me outside the stable.

"Ah, Gail, my beauty. You look lovely this morning," Eamon said as he patted my neck. He mounted me easily. "I'll be taking her for a stretch in the countryside, boy. Let Isolde know I'll be back in an hour or so."

"Aye, ser," the boy said. He bowed and went into the house to look for Isolde.

I was a bit rusty as a horse. I hadn't practiced since I had spent all that time waiting for Loghain.

"You're stiff this morning, Gail," Eamon complained. He directed me out of the nearest gate into the surrounding countryside and pressed me into a gallop. He was a decent rider but nowhere near as good as his brother or Loghain. He was taking me towards a fenced meadow. I had an idea that me might wish to take me over a fence. This fence much higher than I was accustomed to, there was no way I was going to try such a fence when it had been so long since I last practiced.

"All right, girl, let's shake out your cobwebs." I could feel him getting ready for the jump, but I had another idea entirely.

I sped toward the fence, not slowing in the least. He leaned forward, standing in his stirrups, in preparation. It was perfect. I stopped abruptly, ducking my head and bucking. His forward position caused him to go sailing over my head, over the fence, and he landed well on the other side. Only my breathing and the sound of the breeze through the grass broke the silence. Eamon lay still.

I trotted around the fenced area looking for an opening, which I finally found, and I went to stand over his body. He lay on his stomach not breathing. Perhaps he had only had his wind knocked out. I watched to see if he would start to breathe. I hoped it was over. I hoped I wouldn't have to...

He groaned and I saw his back lift with a breath.

_Dammit!_ I steeled myself for it. _Die, you miserable old fucker! _I reared up on my hind legs and brought my front hooves down on his neck and head. I heard a terrible snapping sound and then he was still. A hoof-shaped gash on his head was bleeding profusely.

I felt ill, but I stood over him and watched and waited to see if he moved again. When I was satisfied he wouldn't move again, I transformed into a crow and flew home. I sent Zevran to get the horse he had hidden and told him where to leave the horse so they'd find him with Eamon or in the vicinity.

I told Riordan the grim news. Now I had to wait until night time when I could go visit Loghain in his room and share the news with him and see if he would keep his word. I decided to go visit Teagan. It might be best to have an alibi near the time of death, who better than his brother?

Teagan was delighted to see me. I hadn't come by for the several days since we'd been trying to murder his brother. My guilt was threatening to overwhelm me but I remembered what Riordan had said to me: _"Think like a Grey Warden, not a woman." _I convinced Teagan to miss his meeting with another noble and take me upstairs to his room and make love to me. We lay together afterward and talked.

"What's on your mind, Lucy?" he asked me, toying with a lock of my hair. "You seem a little subdued."

_Oh, nothing. I just murdered your brother._ "Do I?" I smiled at him. "I suppose I'm just worrying a little about the Landsmeet. Have you heard anything?"

Teagan nodded. "I've been talking to some of the Banns. Many of them intend to support my brother but I've talked a few around."

"Do they know anything about Alistair?" I asked.

Teagan shook his head. "I don't think so. I believe Eamon plans to play that card at the Landsmeet."

I sighed internally and kissed Teagan, feeling my guilt keenly. _I am so sorry. _I knew this would end our relationship. I couldn't bear the guilt and shame I felt at deceiving this good man. The least I could do was make certain our last time together was memorable. I cast a rejuvenation spell on him and slid down the bed, performing page twenty on him until he shouted my name.

I kept up the rejuvenation spells until he begged me to stop. He fell asleep in my arms, but I stayed awake, feeling every moment of my shame, until a servant came to tell him that his brother had been found thrown and trampled by his horse.

"Maker's breath," he breathed. He sat down on the settee in his room and I joined him, hugging him closely.

"I'm sorry, Teagan," I murmured to him over and over as I stroked his hair. I barely suppressed my tears.

"In the last month there were times I wished him dead," Teagan said. "Now he is and I feel like this is my fault." His face looked haggard. He was feeling guilt he had not earned. I was the one who deserved that burden.

I shook my head. "No, Teagan. It isn't your fault. It was a riding accident. Such things happen."

I stayed with Teagan comforting him until I had just barely enough time to wash up and go visit Loghain.

_**Note: **__Lucy's references to the fjords is from the very famous Monty Python Parrot sketch._

_I love your feedback. Please review!_

_'A Fish Called Wanda' was inspiration for the murder attempts._

_My thanks to Beta-Biff for the corrections and decrufting. *cheers*_


	37. Society of Coldblooded Killers

_**Society of Cold-blooded Killers**_

I glided into Loghain's window. He was sitting before his desk, musing over a map. There was a nearly empty decanter of brandy and an empty glass nearby and he smelled strongly of alcohol. He didn't see me fly in. I landed and transformed silently.

It would be so easy right now. A quick dagger thrust into a vital organ, or slice his throat from behind and it would be over. Surely he must know how vulnerable he is to me. I can enter his room and stand right behind him without him ever knowing. Yet he leaves his window open for me trusting that I will not harm him. Perhaps it is his arrogance. Perhaps he believes himself immune to surprise. Perhaps he believes I'm not capable of it. If so, he was terribly wrong and today I proved that to myself. Today was my initiation into the society of cold-blooded killers, assassins and scoundrels.

"It's done," I said.

Loghain didn't startle, he just turned around in his chair and looked at me; his pale, blue eyes seemed weary. "I heard. He was thrown by his horse and trampled." He turned back around and poured another glass of brandy and offered it to me.

I took the proffered glass and sipped at it, saying nothing.

"Alistair is being escorted back to your estate," he said. "I apologized to him personally."

I nodded. "Good." There was so much tension between us. I resented him, even though I could see his point of view and the threat Alistair represented. I could see the stress in the lines of his shoulder and jaw. If he truly cared for me, how difficult would it have been to do this?

I reached out with my hand and caressed his cheek. In that moment I thought I stood as his equal. I knew the sort of formidable decisions he had made; ones that would mean the betrayal of someone you loved because it was your duty. It was your calling to serve a higher cause. You would destroy your own concept of yourself, your honor, your life, just to serve that cause. His was Ferelden and mine was the Blight.

I also saw the monsters we could become with such a mandate. There had to be limits. There must be a point where Ferelden and even the Blight couldn't justify heinous acts. I had Riordan and Alistair and my other companions to rein me in. Loghain only had me and perhaps his daughter, but only if he confided in us. Something told me he preferred to keep things stoically to himself, perhaps to protect us from the ugliness.

"Loghain," I said, softly, "he deserved it. He was a terrible foster father to Alistair. He was using him for his own political gain. He risked a civil war at a time when the country needs to be united." I recited his crimes, looking for absolution.

Loghain snorted contemptuously. "Eamon got nothing he didn't deserve." He took my hand off his cheek and pulled me to his lap. "I just regret you did this. It can't help but change you." He buried his face in my hair, still damp from my bath.

"It did. I think maybe I understand you a little better." I combed my fingers through his fine, black hair. "We both did what needed to be done. I don't like it, but I understand it."

Loghain let out a breath, as if he'd been holding it for a very long time. I could feel the tension leaving his shoulders. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"You don't need to stand alone, Loghain. No one should have to make the sorts of decisions you make alone. That burden shouldn't go unshared."

Loghain's hand tightened in my hair. "Lucy," he breathed my name, "will you come to my bed?"

I heard him say, "_Will you forgive me?_" even though the words never escaped from his lips. I nodded. He picked me up and carried me into the bedroom and we undressed in silence and got into bed. He made love to me gently; touching me softly as if I would shatter.

We talked about the Landsmeet afterward. He spoke with his lips near my forehead.

"Are you ready to duel Howe?" he asked.

"I don't know. I've been busy, I haven't had time to practice or prepare. He can't be that good, can he?"

"Don't underestimate him, Lucy. He was a good fighter in the rebellion."

"That was thirty years ago," I said, confidently.

Loghain laughed. "I will have to spar with you someday and you can see how good the rebellion fighters are thirty years later."

I grinned and kissed his chin. "Yes, we will have to do that, old man. After the Landsmeet."

"Get some practice tomorrow," he warned me.

"I will."

"When will you leave?" he asked.

"I'd like to leave as soon as possible. Within two or three days. Will you still provide us with an ox cart and some provisions?"

"Of course. I will have it ready. I should send some troops with you."

I shook my head. "No, I think that would just slow us down. We're more than capable of defending ourselves."

We talked a little longer and then fell asleep. I slept peacefully; my guilt forgotten for a little while.

**_Note: _**_Just a short chapter to resolve certain matters. Thanks for all the reviews! It makes my heart sing! I'm glad you guys found it funny, I was trying for it and wasn't quite sure I had done it. Sometimes I think I'm writing something hilarious and no one else gets it, other times I'm all 'meh' and people find it funny. Humor is so hit or miss. There's some funny moments coming up and, of course, more angst too._

_Thanks for the editing, Biff-O-Matic!_


	38. Lucy's Hardening

_**Lucy's Hardening**_

Alistair looked no worse for the time spent in Fort Drakon. He said his cell was rather nice, more like a guest room than a prison cell. Riordan broke the news to him about his foster father's death, but didn't say anything about the part we played in it. When I saw him the day before the Landsmeet he had a strange haunted look in his eyes. I wondered if he would put two and two together. Eamon dies in an equestrian accident and he is released. A rather tidy set of coincidences.

"Can we talk, Lissy?" Alistair said.

My heart sank. We'd just been reconciled, was it all for nothing? I followed Alistair to his room and he shut the door.

"Was it you, then?" he asked. His face looked sad and drawn. I wasn't sure how to read him.

"Me what?" I asked, deciding to play stupid.

"You killed Eamon."

I walked over to his window, turning my back on him. "I wasn't going to lose you. Eamon was using you, using us, to try to destabilize the government. I'm not saying he deserved to die, but what he was doing was going to throw us into a civil war. I am sorry, Alistair."

Alistair didn't answer and I eventually turned around to look at him and he was slumped into a chair, his hands over his face.

"It's my fault," Alistair moaned. "I never should have visited him. He only wanted to talk about me being king. I always held out hope that at some point he'd give me the approval I always wanted from him. I should have known he was just manipulating everything to his ends. I don't think he ever actually really cared for me. I was a burden to him; then a convenient tool."

I was shocked. I expected Alistair to hate me for what I had done. I went over to him and hugged him, blubbering into his hair. "Don't hate me, Alistair. I saw no other way. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

He hugged me back fiercely. "I don't hate you. It's my fault. I should have seen it for myself."

"You are I are both babes in the woods when it comes to Ferelden politics. I should have suspected that it would be trouble if you went to see him."

"But you killed him... you did that for me." Alistair said, nearly choking on the words. "I... I'm sorry you did that." His voice caught and he said, "You should have just let them execute me."

I shook my head. "Let them execute you? How can you say that? You're my brother, Al. I wasn't going to leave you, neither was Riordan. We very nearly came to spring you from prison. If this last time hadn't worked..."

"Last time?" Alistair said. "He wasn't that hard to kill was he?"

I grimaced. "He was just very, very lucky. I don't want to talk about it. I feel bad enough... I can't ever tell Teagan. How can I..." My throat closed up suddenly and I tried to choke back my self-loathing, especially for how I'd used Teagan yesterday as an alibi.

I pulled back from Alistair and dried my eyes, trying to collect myself. "In a few days we'll be gone. No more of this political bullshit, I promise." I stood up and sighed. "I'd better go spar with Zevran, I have another person to kill tomorrow." I closed my eyes a moment, trying to keep the tears back. "It seems I've become the person Flemeth said I would."

Alistair looked at me curiously. "What did she say?"

"That I would kill ruthlessly." I barked out a short laugh. "I thought she was crazy or delusional back then. Now I'm not so sure." I smiled grimly. "The things I've done, Al. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to far. Maybe Duncan didn't really mean it when he said Grey Wardens would do anything to end a Blight. Maybe he was just being dramatic."

Alistar shook his head. "I'm pretty sure he really meant it. He wasn't given to exaggeration."

I shook my head. "I suppose not. Still, I find it hard to believe he'd murder someone."

"We can't try to second-guess him. He isn't here and we are."

"I..I really am sorry." I bent over and kissed Alistair on the cheek.

~o~o~o~

My weeks of politicking had done nothing for my fighting abilities. I was very rusty but working with Zevran for a while brought some of it back. Eh, I was pretty rough still. My body felt like a two by four. My flexibility was awful. Apparently sex wasn't enough to keep me at my fighting prime; I actually had to practice. Who knew?

Riordan came out and joined us at one point and I explained I'd be dueling his torturer on the morrow. He smiled at that. As the three of us took turns sparring I noticed Zevran was flirting with him, murmuring little taunts in his ear and Riordan was looking... amused and - dare I say it? - interested. I started to believe I was watching foreplay, not sparring. I excused myself, feeling like a third wheel, and started to go when I felt a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from leaving.

"Not yet, Sister." Riordan's voice sounded warm and richly accented right next to my ear. "You haven't sparred with me yet. I won't let you off as easily as the Antivan does."

This would be interesting. Riordan seemed good; like Duncan good. I wondered how I would do against him. Riordan taught me how the Orlesians duel. I wasn't sure what the Ferelden tradition was. We saluted each other and he shouted _"En garde"_, the signal to begin. After that, I simply fought like I always did, using a combination of martial arts kicks and blocks and my weapons. At first I did fairly well against Riordan. He was unfamiliar with my moves and I took him by surprise a number of times. But I was unfamiliar with his fighting, too, and he picked up on my style faster than I did his.

He had me pressed against a wall, my weapons blocking his and my strength faltering to his superior strength. Normally a knee to the groin would be my solution, but armor made that kind of iffy. A heel to the instep perhaps, but again armor made it useless. Finally Riordan's strength won out and he ended up with his weapons pressed to my throat.

"Uncle!" I squeaked.

Riordan shook his head. "Lucy, there is no saying '_Uncle' _tomorrow." He gave me a long, painful critique of everything I did wrong. It hurt worse than my sore muscles. After feeling like I'd been reduced to the size of a crouton he said, "But other than that, it wasn't bad. Let's do it again, this time I'll stop you when you make a mistake."

"Wait, wait... I need healing." I pumped a healing spell into my sore muscles and felt them mending. I chased it with a rejuvenation spell and felt vastly better.

"You're not using magic tomorrow are you?" Riordan asked.

"Nooooo! Elissa Cousland is definitely not a mage. I expect there will be templars there too. Nothing would say I'm a complete fake like casting magic at the Landsmeet."

Riordan nodded. "True that. En garde!"

We worked for hours and finally even rejuvenation spells weren't enough to keep me from wanting to collapse. He let me stop and I dragged myself into the manor and sought out Wynne for more advanced resuscitation and then I went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and slept until someone woke me for supper. I stayed home that night, too tired to go see Loghain and wanting to have the time for myself. At least I was so worn out from sparring I couldn't indulge in my guilty feelings.

~o~o~o~

_**Houston, We Have Lift-Off**_

A package arrived for me the next morning. I was still wandering around in my dressing gown, looking for a pre-breakfast snack when it came. Loghain had sent it. I took it to my room and ripped it open. It was a brand new set of leather armor, even better than the very expensive piece I'd bought from Wade, which now had Howe's brand imprinted on the shoulder.

I put it on and it fit beautifully. It was dyed perfectly black and had silvery metallic studs and boots to match. I did my hair in a french braid, elegant and practical. I would carry my helm with me. It looked a bit like an old-fashioned aviator's cap. A sensible item, of course, but... ugh... I didn't want to go through the entire Landsmeet looking like Amelia Earhart.

I went to the courtyard and limbered up with a training dummy and some martial arts moves until I felt like my body was flowing again. Then I pumped myself up with a rejuvenation spell. It was like having performance enhancing drugs. I just wish it came in a bottle.

We all had breakfast together. Riordan and Alistair had taken great pains to look their best this morning. Their armor was polished and shining. It would just be the three of us going as the remaining Grey Warden presence in Ferelden. I wished we had some sort of banner, or matching cloaks or something.

We walked to palace and I couldn't help but wish we had griffons to fly in on. That would make a statement.

"Danny?" I asked, wanting to distract myself from my nerves.

"Hmmm?"

"Why the hell did the griffons go extinct?" I asked. I felt cheated.

"They died out after the last Blight," he replied.

"I know that, but why did the Grey Wardens let them die out? Are they that clueless about animal husbandry they couldn't figure out how to breed them?"

Riordan shook his head at me. "I don't know, Lucy. Maybe there was a disease that wiped them out."

"You'd think it'd be written down in the encyclopedia of Grey Warden stuff, wouldn't it?" I mumbled to myself. "Lousy record-keepers, if you ask me." I walked on a bit pondering it. "Danny, how the hell could they misplace an entire species and not bother to write it down?" I paused to think for a moment. "How can a domesticated species go extinct? That'd be like... cows going extinct."

Riordan looked confused and shrugged again. "Perhaps someone made a terrible mistake and they were covering it up."

"Maybe someone developed a taste for griffon meat. They ate the last breeding pair and said... _oops!"_

I peppered poor Riordan with questions about griffons all the way to the palace, it kept my mind off the Landsmeet and the fact that I would have to address a lot of nobles and pretend to be Elissa Cousland and fight a duel. _Do griffons lay eggs or give birth to live young? How many Wardens can a griffon egg omelet feed? How come only Grey Wardens rode griffons? Were other people just not cool enough?_

Riordan endured stoically and Alistair laughed. I felt a little like we were some heroic and famous troika from literature or movies. Perhaps the _Three Musketeers, _the _Three Amigos, _or the _Three Stooges_.

I had timed our arrival at the Landsmeet so we would be there just as it was starting. I didn't want to have to risk mingling and exposing my ignorance to... everything. Unfortunately all the eyes there turned on us as we entered. I had a flashback to some Western movie where the bad asses in black hats push through the saloon doors and start a bar-fight. I so wanted to say, '_There's a new sheriff in town'._

I looked around the room. Loghain was standing on a raised platform at one side alongside his daughter, Anora. I looked up at him and his eyes met mine. I knew he couldn't openly acknowledge me, but I could read a lot into the look he gave me, however impassive it might seem to others. Anora's movement caught my attention. She looked at her father, then me, then back to her father again. Something fleeting crossed her face. Perhaps I wasn't the only one in the room who knew how to read Loghain.

There wasn't much time to dwell on it, however, as the Landsmeet was called to order. The Grand Cleric Elemena made some sort of prayer or chant thingy. She spoke extremely loudly and her voice had an odd cadence. Then I remembered the two gossipy, querulous Chantry sisters talking about how she is deaf. I looked around the chamber and saw Teagan. He looked very handsome in his red steel chain mail. He wore a black armband as did many of the other nobles. I wondered if perhaps it was a token of mourning for his dead brother... whom I had killed.

Great, just great, I didn't need to get swallowed up by my guilty conscience right now. _Shut up in there! _

The G.C. droned on at length then went on to commemorate the unfortunate passing of Arl Eamon Guerrin. The noblest of nobles, the taker-inner of orphans, a great statesman and humanitarian, or some such drivel. I really wondered if she were referring to Alistair when she talked about him sheltering orphans. What a lot of baloney. I almost wished I could make an appropriate face at Loghain. I peeked a look at him and saw his head wasn't bowed. Of course not. I however, bowed my head out of a desire not to have some templar decide to remove it due to my impiousness.

After the seemingly endless praying and eulogizing the Landsmeet finally got down to business. Queen Anora had a number of routine things to handle, like confirming inheritances and handing out a titles where there were no heirs, like the arl of Denerim. I was happy to see that Teagan was affirmed the arl of Redcliffe. I was surprised to see that Bann Sighard was given the Denerim arling. That surely must have been a populist move as the Landsmeet erupted into applause and cheers. Oswyn looked vastly better than he did when we freed him from Howe's dungeon. I was very happy for their family. They seemed like decent people. I couldn't help but notice that Osywn was rather hot looking now that he was healthier. _Stop it!_

The next order of business was the news concerning the alliance with the Grey Wardens. Loghain gestured to us and we joined him on the dais.

"Before us stands what remains of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden," he started, his voice booming across the hall. "I was mistaken in thinking the beacon signal being lit late was an act of treason. Since talking to the Grey Wardens I have learned the true cause. I believe that they can shed some light on the events at Ostagar that led to the disastrous outcome."

He turned to me. "Many of you already know the Lady Elissa Cousland, but what you may not know is that she became a Grey Warden shortly before Ostagar and was one of the Wardens charged with lighting the signal beacon. I will have her relay the events on that day." He gestured to me and sat down next to his daughter.

I stood on the dais and looked out over the assembly. _Showtime! _I thought. I drew a deep breath and tried to picture them all naked.

"Lords and Ladies of the Landsmeet," I started, rather liking my steady contralto voice. "My fellow Grey Warden, Alistair, and I were tasked with lighting the beacon in the Tower of Ishal at Ostagar. A simple enough task, under ordinary circumstances. As the battle was begun we rushed to the tower and found it was under attack by darkspawn that had tunneled up from below. We had to fight our way from floor to floor, only three of us, and my mabari, against dozens of darkspawn warriors, mages and archers. We pushed as quickly as possible but we were significantly delayed by the darkspawn. Even though we were disregarding our own personal safety as much as possible, it was inevitable that we would miss the signal."

I paused for a moment to let the Landsmeet soak in my words. "When we had finally clawed our way through the swarms of enemy, bleeding from dozens of wounds we had no time to attend to, we gained the top floor only to find an ogre of immense proportions feasting on the remains of some unfortunate it had slain before we arrived."

The Landsmeet murmured at my graphic description of the carnage and I let them hold the image for a moment. "My very brave colleague, Alistair, led the charge and kept the attention of the ogre focused on him, while I did my best to slice it to pieces. My brave mabari, Liam, did his best to ravage the enormous beast. We had in our company a brave mage from Kinloch Hold who did his best to slow down the ogre and weaken it. Alistair nearly had his head bitten off when the beast grabbed him in one of its enormous hands and pulled him up to its face.

"We did at last defeat it, although it was a very close thing indeed. I rushed to light the beacon but we knew that we had missed the signal. I can only hazard a guess that the signal had been fired long ago." I hung my head for a moment, thinking back on the day. "I regret that we were not faster, or that we didn't have more assistance in retaking the tower, but no one could have anticipated that the darkspawn's tunnels would come up through the tower.

"I maintain to this day that the archdemon wanted to eliminate all the Grey Wardens in Ferelden and it very nearly succeeded. Certainly the darkspawn working on their own, without the archdemon, would not have the intelligence to have devised such a cunning plan."

The assembly erupted into a low murmuring and I let it continue on awhile, but then I held up a hand. "Alistair and I barely escaped the Tower with our lives, but no one at Ostagar anticipated the immense size of the horde that was met in battle that day. The battles up until then, I am told, were insignificant and easily won, but the size of the horde on this day was massive. I am certain the decision to withdraw and preserve Ferelden's remaining armies was strategically sound."

I turned to Loghain and looked at him. He nodded and gave me a small smile. He stood up. "Thank you for your report, Warden Cousland."

The Landsmeet applauded and some even stood. When those few people stood, more stood; finally perhaps as much as three fourths of the assembly was standing. I smiled and nodded at the faces I recognized.

When the applause died down a portly, red-faced man stood and shouted. "I was told Teyrn Loghain withdrew before the signal had been given!"

My dear friend, Ser Landry, stood and shouted. "That is untrue! I was there and saw it. The order to retreat was given after the beacon was lit."

Loghain gestured to Ser Cauthrien. "Ser Landry is correct. It was only after the beacon was lit that we gave the order to retreat."

Loghain nodded to me and indicated we could take our seats again, but I wasn't quite done.

"I would like to add one more thing. Ferelden needs both Grey Wardens and a strong, united country to fight this Blight. Make no mistake, this is a true Blight, there should be no question since the battle of Ostagar. We might not have seen the archdemon yet, but its malevolent intelligence was definitely the force plotting and directing the otherwise mindless darkspawn. I can think of no one better than Teyrn Loghain to lead Ferelden's troops in the coming battles against this ancient evil.

"My colleagues and I will be raising our allies, the dwarves and the Dalish, to fight alongside us when the archdemon finally shows itself. With a united country and our allies, bound by treaty, we will be strong enough to prevail!"

I let my voice ring out of the assembly, rather impressed with Elissa's pipes. I was definitely going to have to try singing at some point. Maybe some jazzy torch songs from Queen Latifah's _Dana Owens Album... o_r something like Diana Krall's sultry alto. Perhaps I could teach Leliana some jazz progressions on her lute.

There was silence then murmuring and another round of applause. I made a respectful bow to Teyrn Loghain and Anora and we three Grey Wardens took our places at the back of the hall. A few nobles reached out to shake my hand as I passed and I heard some gossiping here and there about it being a shame Elissa Cousland was no longer marriageable and how I looked like a spitting image of my grandmother.

Loghain rose and made an impassioned pitch. "My lords and ladies," he said - his voice had a little of a soldier's roughness to it, but definitely it was the voice of someone used to commanding - "our land has been threatened before. It has been invaded, and lost, and won times beyond counting. We Fereldans have proven that we will truly never be conquered so long as we are united. We must not let ourselves be divided now. Stand with me, and we shall defeat even the Blight itself!"

I admit, even despite everything I'd been through with Loghain in the last few days, his speech made my legs a little weak. Whatever else he was, he was a strong leader and utterly fearless, someone who people would trust to protect them. _My god, the man was hot when he was all command-y._

The audience seemed to agree with me. They surged out of their seats and cheered him. I had a feeling I wasn't the only woman in the assembly with dampened panties.

Loghain made a pitch for the assembled nobles to give him more troops. It seemed to be met with favor. There was no open opposition that I could detect. I smiled at Alistair and Riordan and made a gesture like I was wiping sweat off my brow. Clearly the nobles had gotten the message that we were all in very deep yogurt and they needed to take this shit seriously.

The last order of business was Howe's trial. Rendon Howe was brought before the Landsmeet and a list of his crimes were read, including the murder of the Cousland family and retainers. Loghain sentenced him to death by beheading, but I interrupted his sentencing, as we had agreed, by striding forward.

"Your Grace, I ask for justice for Howe's foul crimes against my family and our retainers! I demand Blood Rights against this man. His punishment is mine to deliver!" I put as much passion and anger into my voice as I could muster, demanding a lot from Elissa's talented pipes.

"Very well," Loghain said. "Let the Landsmeet declare the terms of the duel."

The Landsmeet broke out in murmurs again. This was an interesting and amusing turn of events for them.

Bann Alfstanna stepped forward, fulfilling her role as declarer of terms apparently. "It shall be fought according to tradition: a test of arms in single combat until one party is dead. And we who are assembled will abide by the outcome."

"Do you accept these terms, Warden Cousland?" Loghain asked me formally.

I nodded. "I do."

Rendon Howe sneered at me. "Well, well, Bryce Cousland's little spitfire, Elissa. All grown up and still playing the man. And now a Grey Warden?" He barked a short laugh. "I think I still have it in me to kill another Cousland."

I approached Rendon Howe, remembering the beating he delivered to me when I was his horse for a day. "Beating me isn't going to be as easy as beating one of your horses, Howe. I can fight back," I lowered my voice so only he would hear. I was delighted to see a look of puzzlement and suspicion cross his face.

Howe didn't have his weapons, since he was a prisoner, but a guard had handed them to him. I drew my own and waited.

"Come, Howe," I said loudly, for the benefit of our audience, "I will grant you a warrior's death, which is far more than you deserve."

Howe charged at me, his weapons swinging wildly in front of him. What was that? The Cuisinart attack? I waited until he was nearly on me and danced to one side, blocking the weapon on the same side as me. As he passed me I planted a foot in his back and gave him a shove. He nearly crashed into the assembled nobles. There were some shrieks and the nobles crowded closer to the walls, away from us.

I stood in the center of the chamber, smiling a small smile and waiting for him to collect himself. "Surely the man who tortured, murdered, and maimed innocents can account for himself a little better than that?" I taunted him.

I saw Howe's nostrils flare, my barbs had hit home. He advanced on me again. This time I met him square on. I parried his attacks, which truthfully were not all that brilliant, but the man had been in prison for some weeks. I felt confident enough that I thought I could play with him a bit. He certainly deserved it. I passed up a few opportunities to end it and waited until I could disarm him. He dropped one of his blades when I struck a sensitive nerve in his arm and made it go numb. I used my foot to slide his blade well out of his reach.

"Tsk, tsk," I said, "that would be unfair." I threw my own off-hand weapon after his. "Let's make it more even." I paused a moment then threw my other weapon after it. It was a little unfair. I was probably thirty years younger, sort of, and hadn't been imprisoned for several weeks, although all the politicking had taken a toll on my own readiness.

The Landsmeet erupted in gasps and a hum of remarks when I disarmed myself. Howe smiled though. "You're just like your father, vastly overconfident. You'll die just like he did, with fine Howe steel gutting you." He advanced on me quickly and lunged. It was not difficult to stay out of the way of his blade, especially now that he only had one. I landed a haymaker on his jaw. He reeled back and collected himself. I danced around him, boxer style. _Float like a bee, sting like a butterfly_, I thought. Or is it...

I didn't have time to complete the thought because he was doing his Cuisinart attack again. I hooked a wooden chair with my foot and smashed it into his knee, which stopped him well before he got to me. _Saw that in a Jackie Chan movie once_. He was starting to look a bit beat up. I supposed it was time to end this. Howe apparently felt the same way because this time he lunged. I dropped to the floor, under and to the side of his lunge, and swept his feet out from under him. He tried to get back up but I was on him too quickly, pressing my forearm across his windpipe. I leaned close to him and whispered, confident no one else could hear: "Funny thing is, I'm not even Elissa Cousland. My friends call me... Lucia." That was the name that Zevran had given me as the horse he had sold to the arl. "But I am happy to deliver retribution for the Couslands, Oswyn, Riordan and everyone else you betrayed or harmed."

I pressed down harder against Howe's windpipe and heard him begin to choke. He let go of his sword and tried to pry my arm off him. I let go and then used my elbow to strike him, with all my weight behind it, right into the trachea. I let out a loud hissing kiai_, "Hai ssssaaaaa!", _as I crashed into his throat with my entire weight and energy focused behind my elbow. I heard, and felt, the crunching of bone and cartilage. Howe began to choke with a crushed trachea. It was horrible hearing him try to draw a breath and be unable to do it. I backed off from him and watched him flail on the ground, grasping at his throat, turning red, then blue. Despite everything I knew about the man, I wouldn't have wished that death on him. I couldn't take my eyes off him until he stopped moving, then it was everything I could do to keep from vomiting. My second murder in nearly as many days... in some ways this was even worse.

I knew a lot about how to kill people; unfortunately I hadn't ever actually crushed someone's trachea or given much thought to how horrible it would be to watch someone hunger for air and slowly die of suffocation. I really, really wished I didn't have to learn these things as I went along. It didn't help matters that I only had a second-hand knowledge of Howe's crime. I didn't have Elissa's visceral hatred driving me to this, I was faking it. There was nothing hot-blooded in this.

The Landsmeet chamber was utterly silent, except for the Howe's final death rattle, as I walked to where I had thrown my weapons aside and picked them up and sheathed them. I needed air. I turned and walked out of the Landsmeet chamber, into the adjoining foyer. I drew great gulps of air into my lungs. I felt almost as if I were the one who was strangling. I heard the door open and saw Oswyn limping toward me. He grasped my hand firmly and kissed my knuckles. "Thank you, Lady Cousland. That was a fitting death."

The door opened again and Riordan and Alistair joined us. They both hugged me. "Well done, Sister," Riordan said, "but you left some terrible openings, you really need some work on your technique." I almost laughed. Leave it to Riordan to criticize my performance when I'm obviously in emotional torment.

Alistair hugged me next. "Shush, you were wonderful in there. Your speech was really good. I think everyone is really ready to get down to business and fight the Blight. Howe's death was fitting." Teagan came out next, then a bunch of other nobles followed, including Bann Alfstanna. They all congratulated me on winning the duel. Finally Loghain and Anora came out and they both complimented me on the duel. There was something complicated in Loghain's expression. Maybe my savagery was a bit of a turn-on.

There was a post-Landsmeet feast and I nearly asked to be excused but Loghain whispered to me that I was to join them at the high table. I acquiesced and sat with them, my appetite rather depressed by the duel. I sat on Loghain's left and he could see that I was distressed. His hand grasped mine under the table briefly and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Other than that he barely paid attention to me.

I made it through the Landsmeet without vomiting or making a complete fool of myself, but I took the earliest opportunity to leave with Riordan and Alistair. I didn't go to see Loghain. I figured he would be busy until quite late and I needed some time to myself to think.

I went to my room, shut the door and sank into a chair and a deep depression. I didn't bother lighting any lights, not even a mage light. I didn't know who I was any longer. I certainly wasn't Lucy Woodridge and I knew I wasn't Elissa Cousland. I dove into my belly button with intense self-contemplation when a sharp knock came at my door.

"Go away," I said, not wanting to emerge from my emotional self-indulgence. I heard them trying the door knob but I had latched it. Then I heard a small scratching noise and my door popped open.

"Great! The one time Zev actually manages to pick a lock," I grumbled, "I don't want him to."

Riordan and Zevran came in carrying a couple of bottles and Alistair trailed in after carrying a tray of food.

"Come on, Lucy, we're celebrating," Alistair said. He lit a lamp and started to work on lighting a fire in the fireplace.

"I don't feel like it," I groused.

"What is this, Sister?" Riordan said. "You've resolved a major political crisis and convincingly portrayed Elissa Cousland today and you're sulking like a teenager?"

I glared at him. "Did you see what I did to Howe? It was horrible... the past few days..." I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. "I don't know who I am anymore."

Alistair knelt down beside my chair and hugged me. "You're you, Lucy. You are the person you always were, just in different circumstances. None of us were ever little kids plotting to become cold-blooded killers... well, except maybe Zevran..."

"Hey!" Zevran said, "Okay, perhaps you have a point there, amico"

Alistair ignored Zevran and continued, "... but it's where we ended up. What you've done, Lucy, despite all the opposition from everyone, even me - you saved a lot of lives. Don't lose sight of that."

I sniffled. "You called me Lucy." Alistair never called me Lucy. He always remembered that Duncan wanted me to be Elissa, but now he seemed to be reconciled to the fact I wasn't her.

"It's who you are, Lucy Woodridge from … that place... forgot now. Anyway, I'm not going to call you Lissy anymore. You know how to play the part, but most importantly you are who you are and I'm going to respect that."

I sniffed louder and lost it again. I felt like I had friends, people who could accept me despite all the horrible things I had done. They could even make me feel good about it.

Riordan poured a drink for me and pressed it into my hand. "You were brilliant today, my sister. The speech, even the duel, was well done. Very theatrical. I think the nobles will think twice before messing with the Grey Wardens after seeing what you did to Howe."

"It was unnecessarily brutal and horrible," I said. "I didn't realize what crushing someone's trachea would do... I just didn't think it through."

Zevran laughed. "Yes, well, it was dramatic and I'm sure it'll leave an impression on those who saw it." He shrugged. "Death is death. It is rarely easy."

I knew that. I had seen my own parents die. My father's last day was spent trying to draw enough air as his lungs filled with water from pneumonia after a series of strokes. It was just as agonizing - no it was worse, far worse. My mother had died slowly, over months, in tiny increments, with her lungs and heart shutting down. Howe's death was tidy compared to theirs. Dying of old age was crueler than the way Howe died.

I nodded. "You're absolutely right, Zevran." I took a big sip of my drink and looked around for the tray of food. I was young, hungry, horny and still very much alive. I wasn't going to let a couple of guys, whose deaths prevented many others, make me forget that. I pushed everything behind me and got my drink on.

~o~o~o~

**Note: **_Thanks for the reviews! I really enjoy hearing your feedback no matter what it is. Phew! The Landsmeet is over, yay! The next chapter is going to be a bit lighter. _

_Lucy's inexperience of dealing death is mine. I've read about it (Anarchist's Cookbook), trained to do it in my martial arts classes - for self-defense of course - but haven't ever actually done it (thank goodness!). I'm sure the actual details and process would be utterly horrifying. I can just imagine how I would respond, probably not nearly so resiliently as Lucy. But as Zevran points out, death is rarely as tidy as a single fatal heart attack that takes you when you're sound asleep.  
_

_My thanks to Biff McLaughlin who beta-read this! Hopefully my post reading revisions didn't introduce too much new cruft.  
_


	39. The Wonderful Wizard of Orzammar

_**The Wonderful Wizard of Orzammar**_

The next morning the sun barely rose. Its light was sickly and weak but strong enough to awaken me. My head rose from a pillow on the wobbly stem I call my neck. I looked around surveying the casualties. If Ostagar had had a really big bed in the middle of the battlefield, this would have been the sight the day after, but without all the blood and ick. There were bodies scattered around my room. Several were in my bed, with limbs entangling mine. Fortunately all were still clothed. Even Wynne was snoring gently in a chair. The only person missing was Sten, of course.

I tried to sit up, moving Riordan's arm from where it lay carelessly slung over my chest, and pulling my braid carefully out from under Alistair's bulky form. _Holy Grey Warden sandwich, Batman! _I thought. Nothing had happened, right? We were all clothed. It was innocent enough. Then why did I have a memory of making out with Riordan? It was beginning to come back, unfortunately. I pulled my feet out from under Leliana; she was unconscious at the foot of the bed.

_I didn't_... I carefully scooched out of bed and saw an empty bottle on the floor. _Oh yes,_ _I did: spin-the-bottle. _I rolled my eyes. _I taught them how to play spin-the-bottle._ Oh brother! If Alistair remembered anything he was going to glow like a nuclear sunset. I remembered Zevran teaching him how to kiss. Well, nothing like learning from the best. Thank god I hadn't taught them how to play strip poker. What about Wynne? I scanned my memories and didn't remember kissing her, maybe she had kept things from getting too out-of-hand. One can hope.

I stared at my bloodshot eyes in the mirror. My mouth felt like a small animal had died inside it about a week ago. I searched around for my toothbrush and toothpaste and realized I didn't have those things here. Yet another thing I'd have to invent after the Blight. I was going to be busy. I braced myself against the dresser and cured my hangover. I sighed, feeling vastly better. I turned to my companions and started to cure hangovers. They began to awaken and stumbled off to their beds to sleep a bit more. When they were gone I collapsed into my own bed and slept again. This time much more deeply without the hangover.

When I awoke the second time I felt like my perspective had been restored, or at least my uncanny knack at being able to block out unpleasantness and pretend like it doesn't exist. I was looking forward to getting away from Denerim and all the complications life here represented. This place called "Deep Roads" sounded interesting. It sounded like the dwarves were marvelous engineers. I imagined little cars zooming up and down the Deep Roads, like it was some sort of subterranean freeway system. I wasn't at all certain what Orzammar would be like but I was eager to get away from all this political bullshit. I had a sweet little fantasy of Munchkin Land where we would be welcomed by the Lollipop Guild. I wondered if I could get Liam to respond to Toto as a name. I put my hair up in two pigtails and draped them over my shoulders.

"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" I asked myself in the mirror. "Bad. Definitely bad." I answered.

I spent the rest of the day getting us ready to leave. I was hoping to leave tomorrow. I went to see Teagan and say goodbye. He tried to convince me to go upstairs with him but I claimed to be too busy, and I truly was. He looked sad to see me leave.

"Teagan, don't wait for me. Find someone to share your life with. Work on making an heir for your family name. I probably won't survive the Blight and even if I do I'm going to be chasing after darkspawn for the rest of my life. I'll probably be saying goodbye far too often and leaving you behind."

"Shush, Lucy," he said gently, putting his finger across my lips. "Let's not talk about this now. You've always been content to let tomorrow take care of itself, why stop now?"

"Because this isn't fair to you at all," I said, sighing. "Just promise me if the opportunity presents itself you won't hold off because of me."

"Will that make you happy?" he asked.

"It will."

He sighed. "Then I promise." He kissed me gently. "When will you back?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. It'll take a long time to get to Orzammar. Then we go to the Brecilian Forest." I shrugged. "I just don't know."

"When you come around Lake Calenhad you'll stop at Redcliffe, won't you?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yes. We'll need supplies, I'm sure."

"Then, be sure to stop by," he smiled at me and kissed me once more and I left. I was glad to go. My guilt, which I thought I had evaded, was back in full force.

I sent a message to the palace to Loghain, to let him know we would be leaving the next day. That afternoon the ox cart arrived, loaded with barrels of preserved food and a message addressed to me. The message was just a request from Loghain to dine with him at the palace. I decided to dress up in my dress, the red one that showed an amount of bosom Loghain wouldn't approve of for his daughter; the one I wore our first night together.

Part of my relief at leaving Denerim was definitely due to the complexity that this relationship with Loghain had added to my life. I couldn't deny I had feelings for him but they ranged from resentment to ... fondness, a good measure of distrust mixed with a dash of suspicion, wrapped in lust. I wondered what it would have been like to have a relationship with him without the Blight and all this political nonsense going on.

Before I left to see Loghain I remembered one conversation we had had, about making more Grey Wardens, and it occurred to me I hadn't asked Riordan about that. I knocked on his door that afternoon. It opened and he looked particularly scruffy but had a wry smile on his face.

"Ah, Sister, back for more?" he asked with an amused smile.

I blushed, figuring he was referring to my memory fragment of snogging with him last night. "Why is it when you say _'sister' _it sounds a bit incestuous?"

He chuckled softly. "Is your memory a bit hazy today? Perhaps it is just as well. What can I do for you?"

"I have a question about making new Grey Wardens. Is it possible we can make more Grey Wardens before... well, before the archdemon shows up?"

Riordan's eyes lit up with merriment. "You want to make a Grey Warden with me? I'm honored, Lucy. But didn't Alistair explain it is unlikely ..."

My eyes narrowed. Riordan had always been so serious and today he was joking? "What have you done with Riordan? Riordan doesn't make jokes."

He laughed. "I am just relieved to be leaving this place and working towards our final goal."

I nodded. "I share your relief. But back to my original question..."

"Yes, we can make more Grey Wardens but we'll need some archdemon blood. There was some in the Denerim vault but it looks like everything was emptied out of there. Perhaps your Loghain took it?"

"My Loghain?" I laughed. "Okay, I'll see if he knows anything about it. If he has it perhaps we can recruit more Grey Wardens while we travel."

He nodded. "Orzammar might be a good source for recruits."

"What do you know about Orzammar?" I asked him.

"Only that it is the nearest known entrance to the Deep Roads. The other is Kal-Sharok, but they are reclusive and suspicious of the rest of the world. Very little is known of Kal-Sharok now. Other than that, I don't know much more than anyone else."

I nodded and resolved to ask a lot of questions on the way. I was reasonably certain Orzammar wasn't the Land of Oz, but I seriously had no idea.

~o~o~o~

I walked through the entrance of the palace, for a change, and I was escorted to a large library. There was a big table set up with lots of maps and another smaller table set with a fine meal. Loghain was standing in front of the table with maps and looking at one. He turned when the doors opened and I was announced.

"My lord, the Lady Elissa Cousland," his servant announced.

I was unsure how to act with the servants around so I decided to err on the side of caution. "Your Grace." I made a small curtsy, unfamiliar with exactly what the proper forms were. I was an utter failure of a noblewoman, but fortunately he knew this.

"Leave us," Loghain growled at the servant, "and shut the doors. We are not to be disturbed, is that clear?"

"Yes, my lord," the servant said, bowing and leaving.

I took a few steps further into the library and Loghain watched me, his eyes taking me in, pausing rather a long time on my bosom. "Hm. You wore that dress."

I smiled and nodded. "The one you disapprove of, if I recall correctly. It's my only dress, unfortunately." I looked at him. He was rather nicely groomed tonight. He had on a gray doublet and some form fitting tan trousers and shiny black boots.

"I don't disapprove," he looked at me with mild amusement. "You twist my words."

"I remember you said you wouldn't want your daughter to wear it." I sighed. "Too much bosom, I think you said." I took a few steps closer to him.

"You're not my daughter." He leaned against the map table and crossed his legs.

I stopped where I was, a few paces away and just looked at him. Whatever I felt for Loghain, I knew I was going to miss him. Especially our moments like this, when we were verbally sparring. "How do you think the Landsmeet went?" I asked.

"Better than I had hoped," he said, raising his brows at my sudden subject change. "Your performance was... compelling. Were you an actress in your other life?"

I laughed, throwing back my head. "Hardly! It just seems Elissa has a rather golden voice, I simply took advantage of it. Maybe I should try singing?"

"Very well, sing something."

"Now? I..." I was at a loss. What could I sing that a person in this world would make sense of? I was horrible with lyrics; I could never remember them. There was one song that sprang to mind. I remember we listened to it in my music theory class. It was from one of the earliest English operas written called _Dido and Aeneas. _In college we called it _Dildo in Anus_ and sniggered over the lyrics _"When I am laid... am la-ai-ai-ai-aid in earth"_, making much of the first four words. I wasn't sure I could sing it with a straight face all these years later, but I did at least remember it.

"_When I am laid, am laid in earth,  
May my wrongs create, no trouble, no trouble in thy breast.  
When I am laid, am laid in earth,  
May my wrongs create,  
No trouble, no trouble in thy breast.  
_

_Remember me! Remember me!  
But, oh, forget my fate.  
Remember me, but, oh, forget my fate."_

Somehow the bawdy humor of the eighteen-year-old girl I was back then faded away and the original meaning of the song was left: _When I'm dead, forget all the bad shit and remember the good stuff. _Strange how it had such relevance in my life all of a sudden. Could I have picked a more depressing song? I doubted it.

I knew I missed all the little baroque embellishments, having never seriously practiced it, but still, I thought Elissa's pipes did a credible job of delivering the tune even if I sounded more like a jazz singer than an operatic one. I only wished I had a basso ostinato in the background.

He said nothing for a moment then, "That song is from your world?" I thought perhaps it had touched something within him; his smile had faded.

"Yes, a song hundreds of years old about an even older time. Oddly appropriate, I think."

"To us both." He cleared his throat. "Your voice is lovely, you should learn some Ferelden songs."

I smiled. "Are you offering to teach me some?"

He barked out a short laugh. "No. Maker! I don't sing."

"What? Not even in the bathtub?" I asked teasing him.

He grunted. "Not that I'll ever admit to."

"Right!" I said, with false brightness, "I should leave singing to people who know better songs." I joined him at the table where he stood. "You have a map?"

His expression lightened and he turned around to gaze at the large, colorful map. "Yes, a very good map of Ferelden. I thought we should plan your route."

I looked up at him and nodded. "Good idea, I guess I won't be stopping at a gas station to ask for directions."

"What?"

"Eh, never mind. So, what do you think?"

His finger traced a line. "I think you should take the North Road around the top of Lake Calenhad, to the Imperial Highway going south and then Gherlen's Pass up to Orzammar. From there you can go south on the Highway again until it meets the West Road and take that to the Brecilian Forest. Then head north until you reach Dragon's Peak and then Denerim."

I nodded. "I hope I can remember all that."

"I've had a copy of the map made for you." He handed me a rolled up parchment.

"Oh! Thank you! This is going to be very useful." I paused a moment thinking. "How long do you think it will take us to reach Orzammar?"

"I don't know for certain, I've never been there myself. But it's a fair piece and the weather can be nasty in the pass. There is a lot of climbing too, so it will be slow going for the last part of the journey. Optimistically, four to six weeks. Perhaps twice as long." He gestured at the table behind us. "Let's eat. We can continue to talk while we eat."

I sat down at the table and helped myself, knowing that Loghain didn't care for polished manners. I had grown very fond of Ferelden food. It had some major advantages. First of all, it was food and I was a Grey Warden. Secondly, it had simple, comforting flavors. Very meaty, thick broths, lots of roasted root vegetables and very good bread. Their beer was much better than their wine, so I usually stuck to that.

"I've set up places where you can send me messages along the way and keep me apprised of your progress. I've marked them on your map. I can send you messages as well."

I looked at him with a puzzled expression. "How can you get a message there ahead of us?"

He smiled at me, enjoying my ignorance. "We have a system of mounted messengers."

My face lit up. "Oh! Like the Pony Express. We had a system of covering great distances with fast riders that covered short distances, before other forms of transportation were invented."

He nodded. "That sounds right. Of course, it's only for official royal communications."

"Hmmm, in my world it was a commercial business. You could raise some revenue for your coffers if you offered the service to anyone who could pay for it."

He squinted at me, thinking. "I'll mention it to Anora."

"Of course, it seems like with magic one should be able to come up with much faster means of communications. Has anyone ever explored that possibility?"

He frowned. "Not that I'm aware of. The Chantry has such a tight control on mages it's difficult to get them to loosen their grip on them."

"I'll put it on my post-Blight to-do list," I said. I took a long quaff of ale. "Should I survive."

Loghain reached for my hand, his eyes looking intense. "Stop saying that. I'm not going to lose you to this. Did you ask that Orlesian about making more Grey Wardens?"

I stopped eating and looked at Loghain with surprise. Did he think he could just order me not to die? I wished it were that easy. I loved to think that I might be able to bring some interesting inventions to this country after the Blight. "I did talk to Riordan. He's a native Fereldan, by the way."

"He sounds like one of them," Loghain growled.

"Well, he's been over there for a while. Anyway, he said that we need archdemon blood and there used to be some in the Grey Warden cache in Denerim, but it was sacked."

"Ah!" Loghain wiped his mouth with his napkin. "I might be able to locate that for you."

"Um hmmm. I thought so," I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

"I had forgotten about it. There were some weapons and other items you might want. I can round it up for you before you leave tomorrow."

I finished off my plate of food and looked around the table for more. "Are you going to finish that?" I pointed at the pile of food he hadn't taken a bite of quite some time.

He grunted at me. "Am I starving you again?"

I nodded, trying my best to look like a starving waif. He shook his head, smiling.

"Here," he said, handing me his plate. "The poor mabari starve for scraps when you come to visit."

I stopped with a forkful of his food raised to my lips. "I'm depriving mabari of food?"

He laughed at me. "Don't worry, Lucy, we feed them well." He watched me eat for a moment. "Save room for dessert. I remember you enjoyed berry pie."

I closed my eyes relishing the thought of berry pie. "There is always room for dessert. That's a silly thing to say to me."

I finished off his scraps quickly and we were enjoying the pie when there was a knock at the door. Loghain frowned. "I told them to make sure we weren't disturbed." He got up and went to the door.

"My lord," I heard his servant say, "the Queen wishes to..."

"Father," I heard Anora's voice. "I finally found you."

I turned around in my chair and saw her push her way past her father into the library. "I... oh... I didn't know." She stopped talking to look at me, sweeping her eyes over my revealing dress.

I stood up, patting the berry pie off my mouth with a napkin. "Your Majesty," I said, curtseying. I think I had the right honorifics... Majesty for a queen, Highness for a princess. Bloody English, I'd probably start a war if I got it wrong. Fortunately this wasn't England.

Anora's jaw dropped. "Lady Cousland... this is a surprise. I didn't realize Father was... entertaining tonight." I got the idea that the notion of Loghain entertaining anyone was foreign to her.

Loghain grunted. "We're just discussing her travel plans. I had some routes to suggest."

"Routes. Of course," Anora said, smoothly. "Well, this can wait until tomorrow." She started to leave but turned around before she pulled the door shut behind her. "Elissa, I do want to thank you for everything you did at the Landsmeet yesterday."

I nodded. "Of course, ma'am. It was in all our interests to make sure the country stayed united."

She nodded at me and smiled, closing the door.

Loghain looked perturbed. He sat back down at the dinner table.

I looked at him and smiled. "Well, she knows. Does it bother you?" I sat down and served myself another piece of pie. "More pie?"

He shook his head.

"You think she assumes we are..."

I laughed. "It's probably rather obvious, especially to your daughter. When was the last time you had dinner alone with a woman to discuss _routes_?"

He grunted his response.

"Right. Of course she knows." I washed down the pie with ale. "I think she figured it out at the Landsmeet."

"What?"

"Just something I noticed. Your daughter is very sharp. She seems to know how to read people very well."

"Yes, of course. She always did have an ability to guess what people were thinking."

I stood up and walked over to Loghain. "Perhaps," I said, smoothing my hand over his fine black hair, "she saw something in a glance between the two of us. Something we both tried to hide, but couldn't, not from someone very observant."

He pulled me into his lap. "Are you done eating?"

"It depends. Can I take the rest of the pie with me?" I asked, smiling impishly. "It'll make a nice pre-breakfast snack."

He shook his head. "Your appetite could bankrupt this country." He laughed. "Take the pie with you."

"Did you ever imagine that you'd win a woman's heart with berries?" I asked him, kissing his nose.

"I won your heart?" he said, looking at me seriously. "What does that mean? To you, I mean."

I studied his face, rubbing my thumb at the lines between his brows, realizing I was going to miss him. We had such a strange relationship and we'd reached a pivotal moment. Everything I had set out to accomplish by seducing him had been accomplished. I could, if I wanted, end this. But I was stuck in, so to speak; committed to seeing this through with him. How honest could I be with him? How honest would I be with myself?

"I sometimes wondered who was seducing whom. You seemed to be able to find my weaknesses and exploit them. I never knew if it was purposeful or not," I confessed.

He smiled wryly and cocked an eyebrow at me. "I asked the same question about you."

"So, the Landsmeet is over and we got from each other what was needed, am I right?" I asked him.

He nodded. "I agree. Our agreement has been fulfilled." His eyes wandered over my face, resting on my lips a moment.

"We could shake hands, go our separate ways and congratulate ourselves on a job well done. Right?"

"I suppose," he said.

"But we're both here. I'm sitting on your lap, trying to memorize exactly how you smell and feel and sound because it'll be months before I'm reminded. That is what it means to me." Really? My admission came as a surprise to me but I knew the words were real as I spoke them. "What about you? I mean, we're committed to fighting the Blight together, there isn't any need to continue to try to woo me to support you, if that was your intent."

His thumb brushed over my bottom lip and his brows furled. "Do you think I'd resort to such tactics?"

I raised my brows and looked at him skeptically. "I think you'd do anything you thought you had to do to win. How many times have you told me that?"

He looked away for a moment. "I meant it, but perhaps I wasn't trying to win what you thought."

I furrowed my brow. What did that mean? I wasn't sure I was ready to know the answer. "This is far too introspective to be healthy," I said.

He smiled. "True."

"Assuming you actually don't mind I'm here sitting on your lap, offering my body to you in trade for the remains of that berry pie, what is your inclination?"

He laughed, shaking his head. "You undervalue your favors if that is true."

"Or perhaps you undervalue berry pie," I shot back.

He laughed harder. "Ah, I'm going to miss you, Lucy. You do know that, don't you?"

I sighed deeply. "I do now."

Loghain got up, setting me on my feet, and locked the door to the library. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the couch near the fireplace. It seemed I was finally getting my wish: making love to Loghain in something other than a bed. Proof, I supposed, you could teach an old dog new tricks.

~o~o~o~

I awoke a little before dawn, my head on Loghain's chest, wedged with him on the couch. Sometime in the night he had gotten a cloak and put it over us. His body was like a furnace, giving off massive amounts of heat; otherwise I would have frozen in the night, even with the fire burning in the fireplace. I looked at him sleeping. His face looked so peaceful and calm, so free of that carefully guarded look he usually wore. I leaned over him and kissed him softly, trying not to awaken him, and I untangled myself from him. I didn't get far before he woke and pressed me back into the couch with his lips on mine.

There wasn't anything else to be said; just some last minute kisses and caresses. He did give me two things before I left: the copy of his map, and the last of the berry pie. But I took something more, a memory of him that I knew I would treasure more than even berry pie, and far longer.

I returned back to the estate before any of my companions had awoken and did everything that needed doing. We left early that morning. My joy at leaving Denerim was muted, something I hadn't thought possible even twenty-four hours ago.

~o~o~o~

_**Note: **__Biff __–__ it's a magical pie pan! It refills when you empty it. And Loghain is magical he can be both in the sitting and standing state at the same time through the miracle of quantum mechanics. Thanks for the beta-reading!_

_Thanks for all the reviews! They keep me writing. My next update might be delayed. __I__ have a very sick old cat and his illness is taking a toll on my writing. __I__ like to cuddle with him on the sofa because we might not get to do this much longer._

_I__ found an awesome version of the song __I__ mentioned. Look for it on youtube. Alison Moyet's version of Dido's Lament. She's a jazz singer, __I__ believe. __I__ liked it much better than the operatic versions I've heard._

_Kal-Sharok still exists according to the Dragon age wiki: "Kal-Sharok is one of the two known dwarven cities in Thedas. Kal-Sharok lies in the Hunterhorn Mountains between Orlais and the Anderfels. Unlike Orzammar, it is not located in or near (i.e., under) Ferelden. ...In recent times, however, it has been discovered that Kal-Sharok miraculously survived the darkspawn onslaught. However, the few dwarves living there are said to be extremely reclusive and unwilling to re-establish contact with the rest of the world as well as being embittered towards Orzammar."_


	40. Avernus' New and Improved Joining Juice

_**Avernus' New and Improved Joining Juice**_

Our second day on the road I remembered that Loghain put the Grey Warden's cache in our cart. I dug through it looking for something.

"Danny?" I asked my Warden brother.

"Yes, Lucy?"

I held up a vial of blood. "I think this is the archdemon blood that Loghain took from the Warden cache." I handed it to him.

He frowned at it. "There wasn't much left and it appears that the seal was broken and the magical preservation fouled. It is all dried up and useless."

I looked sadly at the vial. "Couldn't we just add some water in?"

Riordan shook his head. "No, sorry Sister, it has to be fresh blood, or at least properly preserved."

"Shit!" I said. So, there would be no more Grey Wardens. My despair must have shown on my face because Riordan wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave me an affectionate squeeze. "Don't despair. It will work out fine, you'll see."

On one hand, I hated it when people said reassuring things like that, things they had no idea were true or not. On the other hand, I realized that self-delusion was a necessary and powerful tool to keep us from giving up and hiding in a cave, trembling with terror until we starved to death.

I smiled weakly at Riordan and put it out of my mind.

~o~o~o~

Soldier's Peak shook my faith, or rather my lack of faith. I was comfortable on earth with my atheism and yet Thedas seemed to have a different set of rules altogether. It was plainly obvious that this world wasn't done with you when you died, and at Soldier's Peak you were likely to become an animated skeleton or a spook of some sort. From what I knew so far of the Chantry's doctrine, if you were a good little boy or girl, you passed through the Fade to go hang out with the Maker. Otherwise you were doomed to roam the Fade for eternity. Apparently there was another option; you could get stuck inhabiting dead people.

I was pretty sure the Chantry doctrine was mostly nonsense but I had been to the Fade. What I hadn't seen was the Maker's hand involved in anything much. I suspected he had gotten bored and wandered off to his next project, if he existed at all.

Warden's Keep was fascinating, spooks and all. There was a ton of Warden lore here and I wanted nothing more than to dig through it. We found a text indicating that someone was researching a way to remove the negative effects from the Joining ritual. I poured over that partly destroyed text and learned that the author, a Warden mage named Avernus, had made some discoveries. Before we had gotten far into the keep Riordan stopped with a funny expression on his face.

"There's a … Grey Warden here, I think," he said. "Or something..."

Alistair and I turned to look at him. "You think?" I said.

"It's different. More subtle," Riordan said.

Alistair had gotten pretty good at sensing other Grey Wardens but I lagged on my training, having been kept busy with... other things.

"I don't sense anything," Alistair said.

When I came across the jug of what I suspected was Avernus' new and improved Joining juice I was glad I was alone, letting the others deal with something else. I sniffed it; it was foul smelling, like what darkspawn smelled like. While this body had undergone a joining, my consciousness hadn't. I had simply woken up in this body after Elissa had completed the ritual. I wondered what it was like. I stuck the jar in my backpack and joined the others.

We fought our way to the tower and found an elderly man in mage robes with his back to us.

"I hear you. Don't disrupt my concentration!" he said peevishly, but he turned around and walked toward us.

"Sorry," I said, "but who are you?"

"Avernus, senior... and then some... mage of the Grey Wardens."

My mouth fell open and closed then opened again. "You must mean you're the great-great-grandson of Avernus, or something like that."

"Ha!" Avernus barked a short laugh. "No lass."

"But that's... You must be..."

"Very old, yes. Yes. Do we need to announce it to the world? I tell you mine if you tell me yours, hm?" He scrutinized me carefully. "Women your age usually don't like divulging such things." He put his hand on my arm and a silver light flowed into me, along my nerves, making me jittery. "Aren't you an interesting one?" He looked me up and down. "Not from these parts are you?"

I inhaled sharply. He seemed to be discerning rather a lot about me very quickly. The usual reaction was that any mages who realized I wasn't _right_ figured I was a demon; he seemed to know right away that this was something else.

"Most interesting, indeed." He rubbed the white stubble on his chin and looked at me as if I were a lab rat. "Your mind was transplanted into this body, magic I had no idea even existed. You come from... somewhere else entirely. Did you do this magic?"

Morrigan laughed abruptly. "Her? Please! She's using her talent for taking baths. My mother was the one who did this magic. A mage far older and more powerful than you, old man."

I held up my hand. "Wait, wait! How can you be Avernus? He would be well over two hundred years old by now."

"Oh, there are magics to extend one's lifespan. I'm close to the end though," Avernus said.

"But what about the Calling?" I asked.

"Ah, some of the advancements I found remove that worrisome side-effect."

I pulled the bottle out of my backpack. "Is this your advancement?"

"Indeed! I wondered where that had gotten off to. You might want to sample that, it is an improvement to the stuff currently swimming through your blood."

I pulled the cork off the bottle and held it up to my lips and made a face at the smell. "Ugh! Elissa actually voluntarily drank this stuff?" I looked at Alistair. He nodded at me.

"Wait, Sister." Riordan plucked the bottle out of my hands. "You trust this man? We have no idea if he's telling the truth or not."

Avernus shrugged. "It makes no difference to me, but if you're curious how I avoided the Calling, the answer is in that bottle."

"Danny, didn't you say your Calling is near?" I said. "Perhaps you should consider it."

I saw a haunted look in his eyes. He hadn't said much to me, but I had heard his restless sleep as we camped and I saw the dark circles under his eyes. "The Calling is part of being a Warden, Sister. I don't fear it."

_Oh please,_ I thought, _not this machismo crap. _"Danny, what if your calling comes before we handle the archdemon? We desperately need you."

Morrigan took the bottle from me and looked at it with interest. "I think you should do this. Each of you should. There is enough isn't there?"

Avernus nodded. "There's enough there for at least four people."

Riordan pondered a moment longer. "Your point is valid, Lucy. Let me try this. If I survive, you and Alistair can drink too."

He took the bottle from Morrigan and took a sip of it. I grabbed the bottle just before it slipped out of his hands as lost consciousness. Alistair stepped behind him and caught him and lowered him carefully to the floor. I bent down and felt for a pulse, which seemed strong and slow. After a few moments his eyes opened and he sat up, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand.

"Yech! I didn't think it was possible to come up with a fouler brew than the concoction used for the Joining, and yet he did," Riordan said.

"How do you feel?" I asked. I had to admit he looked fine. Perhaps even better than fine. The dark circles under his eyes had disappeared and his eyes looked very bright.

"I feel... very well," Riordan replied.

Avernus chuckled. "Of course you do. The ravages of the tainted blood have been erased from your body. You may find other benefits," he said mysteriously.

Since I was holding the bottle I decided to go next. I decided to sit down, so if I fainted I wouldn't hit my head. I wasn't entirely ready to trust Alistair to catch me... he had failed the first time.

I brought the bottle up to my lips, trying to quell my gag reflex. This was worse than the celery juice my Mom made us drink when I was a kid. I inhaled deeply. _Getting rid of my expiration date was worth a little gagging, right? _I tilted the bottle and the foul ichor flowed over my lips. _Swallow, dammit, SWALLOW! _My impulse was to spit it out, but I did it, I swallowed. It reminded me of the first time that... Everything swam before my eyes and...

I awoke with my head cradled in Riordan's lap.

"Well, Sister? How do you feel?" Riordan asked, as he helped me sit up.

"Fine actually. I feel...perky. I'm not saying I want to replace my morning coffee with this stuff, but wow!" _Ha! What coffee?_ I had yet to encounter coffee here. I passed the bottle to Alistair. "Better sit, bro. I doubt any of us could catch you in that heavy armor."

Alistair sat down and took his turn at the bottle, his face squinched up into a comical look of disgust just before he passed out.

Alistair sat up looking as perky as I felt. "Huh! That definitely did something."

Avernus looked at Alistair smugly. "You are a templar, are you not?"

"No. I trained as one but never took my vows." He looked at Avernus suspiciously. "Why?"

"Oh nothing," he replied, but the smile playing over his lips hinted at some mischief.

I looked around the chamber we were in and really noticed for the first time there appeared to be desiccated corpses hanging in manacles around the wall.

"Whoa!" I said. "Who are the stiffs?" I went closer and examined them. They wore their clothes still, and most had a tabard with a griffon insignia. "Isn't that the Grey Warden insignia?"

Alistair came closer and looked. "Maker's breath, yes. What are they doing here, in manacles?"

Avernus shrugged. "There was some experimentation..."

I gasped. "You experimented on your fellow Grey Wardens?"

"They were doomed anyway. We were sealed up here without any supplies coming. They would have died of starvation."

My mouth hung open until my brain could work well enough to operate it. "But you survived. How is that possible? What did you eat?"

Riordan and Alistair looked horrified. "You killed your brothers?" Alistair said. He started to reach for his sword.

I put a hand on Alistair and shook my head.

"They died so that I could research a better way of doing the Joining. There is power in the blood of the darkspawn that we haven't used. All it does is feed on us until it eventually kills us." He smiled sardonically. "You can feel the results of my research inside you now, can't you?"

Ethics in experimentation was an advanced concept. Good heavens, even in the first half of the 20th century on earth there had been terrible ethical lapses that had occurred in human experimentation in my own country. I could imagine that Avernus, knowing they were doomed anyway might use that as an excuse to go further than anyone should. "Avernus, we need to have a long chat."

"First though, we should probably close those holes in the Veil," Avernus suggested.

~o~o~o~

We left Warden's Keep in Levi Dryden's hands and left Avernus to continue his research. Avernus promised to document everything he had discovered and I had a long discussion with him about ethics. If he wanted blood to experiment with, he would need to get signed, uncoerced consent. Each of us donated some of our own blood for his research.

I tucked the last unused bit of the _new_ and _improved_ Joining juice, as I called it, into our cart, carefully wrapping it in soft fabric to keep it from breaking. Well, at least we could recruit one more Warden.

~o~o~o~

Traveling was much faster with the cart. We didn't have to stop and hunt to feed three ravenous Grey Wardens and companions; we could eat salted pork, cured fish, dried venison and a variety of other things, although we did do a little hunting to stretch our rations further. The other advantage of the cart was that it could carry our belongings and so we could walk faster. I judged that we might actually get to Orzammar within six weeks.

Early on into our trip I began to sense there was a bond developing between Zevran and Riordan. There wasn't anything overt except a sort of male camaraderie and I saw them sharing a tent discretely from time to time. I certainly didn't begrudge either man the companionship but it did serve to make me miss Loghain. I had gotten used to sleeping with his large, bulk next to me more nights than not when we were in Denerim. I had to admit I was just a tad jealous of them both. More than one night I fell asleep wondering what exactly they were up to.

Like I had done after Ostagar, I turned my attentions back to learning more about this world and magic. I finally badgered Morrigan enough that she put some effort into recreating the warm air tornado that Bendrick had used to dry us off. To learn that she had me learn how to cast a blizzard spell and combine it with a fire spell until it was perfectly balanced and caused the air to circle into a tornado.

"Sister, you need to practice detecting Grey Wardens and the _call,_" Riordan reminded me.

Of all the things I was working on this was the most elusive. Alistair was picking it up but I just couldn't seem to master it.

Late one afternoon we made camp early and Riordan took me further away from camp, where we wouldn't be disturbed, and tried to help me. I sat on a rock with my eyes closed and tried to sense something. I sighed, deeply frustrated with my inability to detect my brothers.

"I can't do this, Danny. I'm defective."

"Nonsense, Sister. You just need to concentrate, it will come to you." His calm voice was soothing, yet distracting because I kept thinking about the scruff he could never quite seem to shave off. I wondered how abrasive it would be on my face if he kissed me. Then I thought about kissing him and wondered what it would be like. Zevran would know. Then I thought about Zevran and I knew what kissing him was like; it was exceptional, but he didn't have any scruff. Elves didn't have facial hair.

The Grey Warden libido was a marvelously fun at times and at other times a serious impediment to getting things done. It made me wonder how the all-male Grey Warden contingent Duncan ran managed to deal with it. I hadn't heard any salacious stories so perhaps they kept it in the family, so to speak. And so my thoughts ran everywhere distracting me from the task at hand. I furrowed my brow and clenched my eyes shut, willing myself to stop thinking about Riordan and Zevran, and the former Ferelden Grey Wardens, which only made it worse.

"Relax, Sister. Being tense will only get in the way. Breathe deeply and let your tension go."

I took a deep breath through my nose and held it and then let it out. That did help. I began to relax a little. Then I felt Riordan's hands on my shoulders and I nearly jumped out of my skin. He chuckled. "Come on now, just relax," he said while his fingers worked at the tension in my shoulders. I took some more deep breaths.

I gave up. My eyes popped open. "I'm sorry, Danny. I think I should practice on my own awhile. I'm having a hard time concentrating." I got up and went back to camp. My libertine inclinations were going to cause (more) trouble if I didn't get them under control. I wandered over to Wynne. If anyone knew how to dampen one's sexuality, it had to be Wynne.

"Er, Wynne. Could we chat for a minute?" I asked hesitantly.

"Of course, Lucy. What's on your mind?"

"Is there a spell to dampen one's urges?" I whispered.

One side of Wynne's mouth turned up and she coughed. "Oh, having trouble with that are we? I knew being twenty years old again wasn't all good."

I grimaced and looked at her with pleading eyes. "Please, Wynne. Surely there must be something."

She smiled. I swear she was enjoying my discomfort. "Of course there is, dear..."

I heaved a sigh. "Oh thank the Maker!"

"Let me finish. There is such a spell, but the Chantry expunged it from the curriculum when it was found a court mage was casting it on the monarchs in Orlais."

I sighed. "I don't suppose you happened to learn it anyway? Maybe found it lying about in a musty old text somewhere?"

Wynne shook her head. "No, I'm sorry, my dear. You're just going to have to deal with it in the old fashioned way."

I looked at her wondering which old-fashioned way she meant. "You mean masturbating? I'm already getting tendonitis."

Wynne gasped. "No! Sweet Andraste child, I meant praying to the Maker and taking a lot of cold baths."

I rolled my eyes. "You haven't spent much time with Grey Wardens, have you?"

She pursed her lips. "Alistair seems to manage somehow. He's a good boy. He prays a lot."

"I think the Chantry squashed his sex-drive. It'll catch up with him someday." I wagged my finger at her. "Just you watch, once that djinni gets out of the bottle, there won't be any stuffing it back in. Alistair is going to be fornicating sex-machine."

Wynne gave me her most disapproving look. It wasn't a complete waste of time. I did find there was something that could cool my libido: a conversation with Wynne. I wandered over to Morrigan's campfire to see if she had anything useful to offer.

"Hey, girl friend!" I greeted her.

Morrigan arched a brow at me. "What comes, friend?"

"Exactly why I'm here! I swear you're prescient." I was fairly sure she wouldn't understand my joke, but that was okay, it cracked me up. "I was just wondering if you might know the spell that would dampen one's sexuality. Wynne suggested that there is such a spell but the Chantry abolished it."

She smiled. "Oh, of course! It's in Flemeth's grimoire, I'm sure. Whose sexuality requires dampening? Has the assassin finally gotten on your nerves?"

I sighed. "No, no, it's me. Ever since I became a Grey Warden and woke up in this body I've been plagued with extremely strong desires. I hear it's normal, for Grey Wardens anyway, but it has become too much of a distraction."

Morrigan looked at me slyly. "Why don't you just take a lover?"

I grimaced. "It always gets too complicated. Besides, I am fond of Loghain. I don't want to betray him."

"Do you have an understanding with him of some sort?" Morrigan looked puzzled. I had a feeling sex for her was like an itch; you scratch it and carry on.

I wasn't sure I should discuss this with her; she'd probably try to talk me out of it. "I think there's an unspoken understanding."

"You think? Unspoken?" Morrigan laughed. "That sounds like a very weak understanding, Lucy. You'll probably find him rutting with the chambermaid when you get back to Denerim."

I shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. He hadn't been with anyone since his wife died. I think he's pretty much a one woman man. But that's beside the point, I shouldn't be distracted with... that."

"Well, I could certainly help you, if I had my Mother's real grimoire. Unfortunately the one you gave me isn't it."

My eyebrows rose in surprise as Morrigan spilled the tale about how the book I had given her described how Flemeth used her daughters to make herself young again. This book wasn't her real grimoire, just some sort of diary. Morrigan told me her mother intended to transfer her mind into Morrigan's body, much as she had transferred my mind into Elissa's body. She described in detail how to stop her mother. She would need to be killed and she would need us to do it.

I had mixed feelings. Flemeth had saved my life. Granted she had kidnapped me with the intention that I'd save her hide by saving her world, but I felt like I owed her something. But if what Morrigan said was true, then she was a serial body snatcher.

"All right, dammit," I sighed, "I'll kill your mother. Let me add her to my _'to-kill' _list."

I left Morrigan with a promise, but I was still feeling... distracted.

~o~o~o~

"Alistair?" I kicked the ground with the toe of my shoe, feeling a little embarrassed.

"Yes, Lucy?"

I leaned over and spoke quietly. "Um, can I ask a personal question?"

"Sure... I think. This isn't going to be another one of _those_ chats is it?" He was referring to the times I'd explained in rather explicit details various things about women.

"No, not exactly. I'm looking for advice this time."

He looked at me warily. "Okay, ask."

"How do you manage to not... I mean, you're a Grey Warden and we've all got very strong urges..."

"Lucy! You said it wasn't going to be one of those chats!" Alistair turned pink.

"Well, right. This time I'm just looking for advice. I'm just..." I flailed my hands and looked at him meaningfully, trying to convey my intent without actually saying it because I knew it'd be painfully embarrassing for him, "...you know... and I'm trying to deal with it."

He looked flustered. "Well, how do you usually deal with it?"

"By giving into it. I'm just... trying to avoid that is all. I thought you might have some useful pointers. Seeing as how you've never... I mean you must have this mastered, right?"

He shook his head. "I meditate, pray, or do something physical."

I shook my head. "I tried meditating. All I could think about was sex."

"How about praying?"

I shook my head again. "I don't believe in much of anything I could pray to."

"Then there's physical activity. How about that?"

"That might work. Let's spar!"

We had an hour or so before dinner would be ready. Plenty of time to wear myself out sparring with Alistair. I got my blunted daggers and we found a clear area outside of camp. Alistair had gotten better in the time since Ostagar; unfortunately I hadn't, at least not by much. It wasn't long before I was battered, sweating, and angry. It was at least a nice change from my previous state. The pain focused my mind. My anger was directed at Alistair's damn shield. It was so hard to get around it and it was the source of most of my pain.

I did score one lucky hit against him and even with the dulled dagger it cut a wound open on him. The wound suddenly sprayed blood at me and some strange force knocked me back. Alistair watched in amazement and reeled a bit, as if he were dizzy for a moment. He quickly regained his momentum and he crashed into me as I was struggling to my feet. He moved faster than I had ever seen him move and it ended with his sword at my throat.

"Holy crap, Alistair, how did you do that?" He helped me to my feet and I healed the wound that was still leaking blood.

He shook his head. "That wound you gave me... it was like the blood was..." His voice trailed off into nothing and his eyes looked frightened.

"What is it? I saw that it kind of spurted at me and I felt like I had been hit by a wall of wind or something. It knocked me back right onto my ass. Did you do magic?"

Alistair dropped his weapon and shield and turned and walked away from me without saying another word. I watched him in amazement for a moment, wondering at his reaction, then I ran after him. I caught up to him.

"Alistair, what is it?" I asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I need to be alone," he said curtly and strode off.

I watched him go, wondering what I had done to make him so angry.

~o~o~o~

_**Note:** Thanks for reading! Your feedback is not only welcome but craved!__ As a former musician I lived for the applause. As a writer, I live for the reviews. :)_

_My thanks to my dear beta-reader, Biff, who asks such interesting questions in her notes that I have to go into a click-trance (googling things unknown) every time she returns a story. For instance, looking up whether to capitalize the word "god" or "he" if you're an atheist, polytheist, pantheist, or monotheist. Such an intriguing question! I wonder what agnostics do?_


	41. That Old Blood Magic

_**That Old Blood Magic**_

Alistair didn't return for supper. I pulled Riordan aside to talk with him, explaining what had happened when we were sparring.

He rubbed his chin and thought about it for a moment. "This happened after you cut him?"

I nodded. "It wasn't a deep cut. Would he be angry over that? Stuff happens when we spar, you should have seen the bruises I had until I healed them."

"It wasn't the cut, I don't think, but what happened afterward." Riordan pulled me away from the others and spoke quietly. "Lucy, it sounds like blood magic."

"Blood magic? Does he think I did it? I don't know anything about blood magic."

"If anyone did it, he did. I suspect, if that's true, he is struggling with it. He was raised in the Chantry and they have an irrational fear of it. It is rather ironic since the Chantry uses blood magic to track mages."

"How could he suddenly do blood magic? Does magic just come upon people like that? I thought you were sort of born with the ability."

Riordan frowned. "It manifests when the mage is young. I've never heard of someone suddenly just becoming a mage at Alistair's age, and a blood mage at that." He scratched his beard. "There's something more going on here."

I stared at the ground thinking. _Avernus_? He had asked about Alistair being a templar, hadn't he? I remembered a funny look on his face. "Avernus' concoction, perhaps?" I looked at Riordan and he looked back at me. "How does blood magic work?"

"The mage has to bleed, or use a victim's blood."

I unsheathed my dagger and dragged it across my palm and blood welled up. I didn't know what more to do, but I focused on the blood and it seemed to crawl along my hand and down my dagger, where it coated my blade in red. I felt a little weakened by it. "This isn't just blood magic, Danny, this is tainted blood magic."

Riordan watched me and he drew his own dagger and did the same. As it had with me, the blood crawled down his hand and coated his dagger. "This is unexpected."

I felt a little weakened by the loss of blood as it kept coming from the small slice in my hand. I healed the cut and felt better instantly. "I think we need to learn how to control this better." I put my hand on Riordan's arm and healed him. "This will be pretty difficult for Alistair to accept, I imagine." I said, trying to think what he must be experiencing.

Riordan nodded. "With his Chantry indoctrination, almost certainly."

"Let's go talk to him," I suggested. "Can you sense him?"

"I can, but why don't you try?"

I grumbled, knowing I wouldn't be able to. It was a fruitless exercise, but I closed my eyes and tried. I heard crickets chirping, Liam snorting and snuffling as he tried to get himself comfortable for a nap. I heard Leliana chatting endlessly to poor Sten and I heard an owl hoot, but I couldn't sense Alistair and the only reason I could sense Riordan was because he was standing right next to me, smelling faintly of leather, the polish he used on his weapons, and just a hint of perspiration; not unpleasant at all.

I shook my head at Riordan. "Sorry, Danny, I got nuthin'."

Riordan nodded. "He's this way." He led the way across the field where we had camped and into a light woodsy area. We finally found Alistair sitting against a tree, his face buried in his hands.

"Al," I said softly, "this was unexpected, but it appears Avernus' potion gave us all some sort of blood magic ability. As near as I can tell it isn't anything that awful, it just makes us fight a little better. It might even be handy."

Alistair sighed and looked up at me, his face looked weary and tormented. "It doesn't matter, Lucy, it's still blood magic. It is forbidden."

Riordan squatted down next to Alistair. "Brother, blood magic can be abused, of course, but so can any magic. I think the Chantry banned it because it had been so horribly abused by the Tevinter mages."

I sat down on the other side of Alistair and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. "I could do a lot more evil things with my Chantry approved fire spell than I can with whatever power this is. I could go burn down an orphanage, but that doesn't mean I'm going to. We're not power mad people who are going to abuse it. We are trying to defeat the Blight and we're going to use the tools we have at hand to do that. This is just another tool."

Alistair shook his head. "You don't understand, I was raised to believe blood mages are the most vile and loathsome creatures in Thedas, and now I am one."

"I'll find out how to stop it from happening, then you don't have to use it unless you want to. Don't blame yourself for this Al, this is something Avernus' potion did, I think."

Alistair turned to look sharply at me. "You're not going to use it are you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. If it proves useful, I might. It's a bit disgusting, but if I really needed to, I suppose I would."

"Lucy, no!" Alistair shook his head at me. "Don't go down that path. Especially you, since you're a mage. You'll be taken over by a demon."

I could see this was really bothering Alistair and I didn't want to upset him more than he was. "Okay, for now I'll try to find out how to keep this from happening and we can just refrain from using this ability. Maybe Morrigan will know something about it."

Riordan squeezed Alistair's shoulder. "Come on, Brother, we've saved some supper for you."

I took Alistair's watch as well as my own that night. He looked miserable and I thought he could use the extra rest. I used the time to try to tap into the Grey Warden abilities Riordan had been trying to teach me. I managed to empty my head of almost everything and in the quiet of the camp, with everyone else asleep, I tried to sense my two fellow Grey Wardens, but, as usual, my radar was jammed.

~o~o~o~

The next day as we resumed our trip, I peppered Morrigan with questions about blood magic. She wasn't a blood mage herself, but she knew a little about the subject. She was able to give me some suggestions. I spent the day inflicting cuts on myself and experimenting. It seemed that now that I knew what was going on, it took intent to make the magic happen. I didn't think it was just going to happen spontaneously again.

"Lucy!" Wynne somehow caught up to me with my noticing she was there. "Why are you cutting yourself, woman?" She looked at me suspiciously. "You're not..."

"No!" That was a total knee-jerk reaction. "Yes, I mean. Yes, it is blood magic of a sort, I suppose. I'm just trying to learn how to control it so we don't use it accidentally."

"We? Lucy, you'd better tell me." Wynne's disapproval emanated from her in waves. I could practically cook an egg in the disapproval rays she was beaming from her eyes. It wouldn't be a very tasty egg after being cooked like that. I explained our re-Joining at Warden's Keep and how we now found ourselves with blood magic abilities and how devastated Alistair was because of it.

"Maker's breath!" Wynne hissed. "Of course he is. Oh that poor boy. I'd better go talk to him."

"Wynne." I caught her arm as she was about to scurry off. "Be cautious, he feels horrible. Say reassuring things, don't tell him he's going to burn in hell. I'm learning how to control this so he can avoid using it."

She gave me a dirty look. "Of course, not! What kind of person do you think I am?"

_An overly zealous one, _I thought. "I know, Wynne, I'm sorry. I'm just concerned."

Wynne walked off in a huff to walk next to Alistair. I sought out Riordan. I had him test out my theory and he was easily able to control the new ability.

"Danny, would you use it if you need to?" I asked him.

We walked along in silence a moment, our boots crunching on the road. "Absolutely," he said, after hesitating a moment, "but I won't tell Alistair that. The lad has a very black and white view of right and wrong."

I laughed. "You nailed it. It has been the source of many arguments. He's actually better than he used to be." I trudged along quietly for a few minutes. "You know, if anyone could get Alistair to see shades of gray – no pun intended – it would be you. You're a senior Warden, a colleague of Duncan's, whom he admired greatly."

"I suppose I can try," Riordan said.

"Did you ever know any blood mages, Danny?" I asked.

"Yes, we had one at Jader. He kept his skills quiet, however. Even though we're officially not under the purview of the Chantry, they can make life difficult for us."

I grimaced. "Don't get me started on religion. What was the blood mage like? Did he have demons busting out of his chest at inappropriate moments? Perform ritual sacrifices and drink infant's blood? Did he take control of people's minds and make them his puppets?"

Riordan laughed. "No, he was a huge prankster. Any time we got a new recruit he'd pretend to be possessed by a demon. That always got a lot of laughs. He'd run around acting possessed. He knew a lot of spells to enhance his appearance. We'd all pretend there was nothing out-of-order and the new recruit would about soil themselves. Eventually they'd ask if we were going to do anything about the possessed guy and we'd say, '_No, we prefer him this way. You should have seen him before__, a complete asshole._'"

I laughed imagining that. I decided right then and there I wanted to meet more Wardens. They sounded like a righteous bunch. "See, Danny, if you talk to Alistair and tell him stories like that, he'll relax, I'm sure."

"I will," Riordan said. He fell back and he and Alistair talked for quite some time. By the time we took our next break Alistair's face looked a little less tormented.

That evening we reached a small village, one of the waypoints where I could send a message to Loghain. I found comfortable lodgings for the evening and wrote a note to Loghain, telling him where we were and our trip to Soldier's Peak. I debated putting something more personal in the note but I was concerned about it being read. I did however tell him I missed the berries from Denerim and I hoped he understood my meaning.

I sealed the letter and sat with it in front of me for a moment, thinking about him and our strange relationship. I wondered if I was being foolish. Even if I somehow survived what was to come, how could a relationship like this, one founded on deceit, distrust and manipulation, ever hope to persist? I decided to not think about it right now. I had enough things to think about, like wondering if Avernus' juice had any more surprises in store for us.

~o~o~o~

That night I dug through the cart, sorting through things I hadn't taken the time to look through before. Loghain had included a lot of warm clothing for us for traveling through the Frostback Mountains, I supposed. I also went through the rest of the stuff from the Warden's cache in Denerim. I found a shield that I thought Alistair might like. I pulled it out and went inside the inn to talk with him.

He and Sten were sharing a room. I knocked on the door and found Alistair in there alone, Sten was outside somewhere.

"Al, I found a nice shield I thought you might like. It was from the Grey Warden cache in Denerim."

"This shield," Alistair said, scrutinizing it carefully, "it's Duncan's isn't it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. It was in the Grey Warden cache that Loghain looted."

"Yes, I recognize it." He held the shield reverently.

"Well, there you go. Now you have something to remember him by."

"Thank you, I had no idea his shield wasn't with him." Alistair sighed. "This is perfect. I don't know how to express my gratitude. This means a great deal to me."

I smiled, very happy he was so pleased with it. "I'm very glad. You deserve it, Alistair." _Why would Duncan have a shield, didn't he fight with two weapons?_

His eyes were a bit red as he hugged me tightly. "I'm so grateful I have you and Riordan with me through this. I think about how I would have been used by Eamon to take the throne if you two hadn't been around to stop it. Do you know he even proposed to me that I should marry Anora?"

I pulled back and looked at him in amazement. "Seriously?" He nodded. "She is kind of hot, Al, you could do worse."

Alistair laughed. "Then I'd end up king. You know I don't want that."

"True. We'll just have to find you another hot babe. How about Kaitlyn? We'll be stopping at Redcliffe after we visit Orzammar."

Alistair colored up nicely at her name. "She was nice. I liked her."

"Um," I paused, wondering how to ask, "I don't mean to pry but is there any sort of understanding between you two?"

Alistair rubbed the back of his neck. "I think she might like me."

"Did you kiss her?" I pressed.

"Well... it was more like she kissed me. On the cheek."

I sighed and shook my head. "Al, you're going to have to do better than that if you really like this girl. You need to kiss her, on the lips, at the very least. You have to make sure she knows she has something to look forward to with your next visit, right?"

He nodded. "I suppose you're right. I hope she's still available when we get back to Redcliffe."

"Hey!" I said, struck with a brilliant idea. "Why don't you write to her? We can send the message to Denerim with the one I'm sending Loghain, and then it should be relatively quick to get it to Redcliffe. I can even help you write something romantic, if you want help."

Alistair looked happier than I had seen him in awhile. "I will do that!"

"Great! Let's get some ink and paper and a couple of bottles of wine for inspiration." I stopped. "Oh, but before we do that, I have some other good news for you. I learned how to control our new... talents. It's pretty easy, you'll pick it up quickly. I'll show you tomorrow."

His face got more serious. "I hope we can find a way to get rid of it altogether."

"Al, maybe we ended up with these abilities for a reason. Perhaps there's a reason only some of us survive the Joining. Perhaps those who don't make it wouldn't be able to handle the power that comes with it." I didn't believe it for a minute, it probably had more to do with our genetic makeup, but it was the sort of spiritual thing that might appeal to him.

He nodded. "I suppose that's possible." He didn't sound altogether convinced.

"Pour the wine, Big Al. We have a letter to write." I sat down at the little desk in his room and started scratching at what passed for paper in this place with the thing that passed for a pen.

~o~o~o~

The next morning I gave our letters to the royal couriers and asked them to be taken to Denerim. Kaitlyn's letter was to be given to a messenger to deliver to her in Redcliffe. I thought the letter we had written to the girl was quite romantic yet not too heavy-handed for a shy and tentative Alistair. He'd have to do better than accept a kiss on the cheek the next time we went to Redcliffe, however. Alistair really needed to get over this Chantry indoctrination before he'd become a good Grey Warden. He was a currently a White Warden. He needed to get down and dirty in the moral ambiguity that the rest of us crawled through.

~o~o~o~

Along the way to Orzammar we had a few adventures of note. Wynne revealed she was being possessed by a benevolent spirit. I thought that was cool. I started greeting Wynne and her spirit co-pilot each morning. "Good morning, Wynne! Good morning, Spirit-inside-Wynne! How did you sleep? Do spirits sleep? What do you do when she's unconscious, go wandering through her sexier memories? Care to share some of them with me?" I never got an answer from the spirit, but Wynne threatened me with dire consequences if I continued to talk to her cohabiter. I really wished I had an Ouija board.

Then Wynne fell but she got back up. She told me that she thought she was dying, but she had a really cool ability that the spirit had given her. I decided to back off the jokes after that and treated her with more respect and solicitousness. That made her mad; she told me to cut it out. I really hoped I wasn't going to be so cranky at her age and I told her so. That was when I discovered that Wynne knew how to inflict one with a minor curse. I started to squeak when I walked after that. I begged her to remove it and she did finally relent but probably only because the squeak was making her crazy too. I begged her to teach me some curses and she refused.

And so I learned not to anger mages, at least not ones far better than I am. That made me worry a bit more about Flemeth.

~o~o~o~

Then we were attacked by assassins again. It was all the more surprising since Howe was dead and Loghain was on our side. I was very puzzled. Who wanted us dead now? It never occurred to me that Alistair and I weren't the targets. I felt a panic rising when I considered the possibility that Loghain had turned against us, but then I was relieved to find out the assassins were after Leliana.

"Okay, so... why are assassins after you, Leli?" I just had to ask.

She hesitated but then broke down and told me the tale of Marjolaine who was Leliana's former mentor and lover. She had been betrayed by the woman and framed for treason. Leliana was imprisoned, tortured and raped, but escaped to flee to Ferelden and join the Chantry in Lothering. She thought Marjolaine would have left her alone, but apparently not.

I listened to her tale and nodded. "Okay, she's on the _'to-kill' _list. Next time we're in Denerim, we'll pay a visit to your ex."

Leliana looked disturbed. "Oh no, it isn't necessary to kill her. I'll just talk to her and explain that I'm not interested in what happened in the past. We'll come to an understanding."

I looked at her skeptically. "Okay, we'll put her on the _'to-talk-to' _list. But her name goes on back on the kill list if she's not reasonable, Leli. We can't keep getting ambushed like this. It just isn't healthy."

~o~o~o~

At one point on the trip Sten really opened up and the words flowed. "I lost my sword," he told me.

"No you didn't, it's on your back." I wondered if perhaps what he had lost was his mind.

"No, I lost my _real _sword," he explained thoroughly.

"As opposed to the imaginary one strapped on your back?"

The story of _his_ sword, which he believed was his soul – don't even get me started on having an inanimate object for a soul – was that he had lost it somewhere around Lake Calenhad. He couldn't return to his people without his sword. From my earlier talks with him, I wondered how wise it would be for him to return to his people and tell them that Ferelden was a plum ripe for the picking. _Hey gang! Ferelden just had a Blight and their army is mostly dead. Let's go invade!_ From what I understood, the Qunari were growing their empire. I was pretty sure I didn't want to be a mage within their jurisdiction. I rather liked my tongue being in my mouth, or sometimes in someone else's mouth, or... well, you get the picture.

I swore under my breath at him. "Why didn't you mention it when we were there?" I ended up promising him that we'd take a look for it on our return trip to Denerim, but I hoped we wouldn't find it.

How many more of these side trips were we going to have to make?

~o~o~o~

The climb into the Frostback Mountains was pretty brutal on most of the party. We three Wardens, blessed with our stamina, which seemed even further boosted by Avernus' potion, had no issue with it, but the mere mortals in our party were taxed. I changed into horse form and took turns carrying whomever was the most tired, usually Wynne. Morrigan just turned into a bird and flew. Zevran had good stamina but after our long marches I noticed he was pretty well done in. The discrete visits to Riordan's tent stopped, the poor assassin was just too tired.

~o~o~o~

"Still having issues with... that?" Alistair asked me one evening when I brought him his sparring gear. Sparring had become a surrogate for other, more intimate, acts for me. Alistair knew this and it always made him blush madly.

"A-yup. Come on, let's spar."

"Issues with what?" Riordan said. I hadn't seen him approaching behind me.

I felt my cheeks ignite. "Oh, just feeling a bit restless. Nothing that a good, hard sparring won't take care of." I realized how poorly I had phrased that. "I mean, a work-out."

Riordan grinned. "I see. Well, give Alistair a rest tonight and I'll...spar with you. Why don't you teach me some of those _goodo_ moves of yours?"

"Judo?" I swallowed; that would involve a lot of grappling. I wasn't sure that was a wise idea.

"Yes. The one with all the holds and throws."

"Well, there's an awful lot of throwing and falling and the ground is kind of hard." I was searching for an excuse. I didn't think grappling with Riordan was going to help my... _restlessness._

"There's a nice, soft looking meadow just over there," he pointed.

"Oh right. Um, I suggest wearing something less constricting than armor. We'd better change." I went to my tent and put on some loose cotton trousers and a shirt. I wished I had a proper gi; the tough cotton fabric was meant to withstand being grabbed and used to throw someone. I waited for Riordan. He came out dressed similarly but he had his boots on.

"Barefoot, Danny," I said, trying not to laugh. I waited while he pulled off his boots. Then we walked over to the pasture together.

I taught him the basics of falling and rolling, which he pretty much already knew. We quickly moved into some easy throws. I really only had to show him once or twice and he would pick it up. Then I showed him a few joint locks and some holds.

"All right, let's see what you can do," I suggested. "I'll just attack slowly and we'll see if you can use anything you just learned." I bowed to him, my hands pressed into a wai, and he returned the gesture. I came at him, as if I were armed with a dagger, and he nimbly side-stepped me and grabbed my arm, bending it behind me as he wrapped his other arm around my neck.

"Good!" I said. We tried a few more things and he did extremely well, throwing me several times, getting me into a choke hold, joint locks and submission holds.

"You did say you wanted a good, hard sparring, Sister. I think we have enough time before the sun goes down."

"Full out then?" I asked.

"Full out."

We bowed to one another and I carefully circled him. I feinted and he responded. I grabbed his shirt and wrist and neatly threw him. He fell nicely and rolled away quickly.

"Good fall," I said.

He got to his feet and this time he came at me aggressively, trying to close and get me off my feet. I got free of him, caught his hand and nearly had him in a painful joint lock when he swept my foot. I started to fall, but I took him down with me. He landed on top of me and I had my breath knocked out of me for a moment. Then I tried to squirm away but he pinned me firmly, grinning above me.

"Did you work off your restlessness, Sister?" he asked.

I was glad the light was fading quickly because I could feel my face burning. "I'm fine," I said shortly.

"Are you?" He rolled off me, onto his side, propping his head up on his hand and looking at me with his piercing green eyes. "Because I've noticed this...restlessness of yours. It's eroding your concentration. I think this is why you can't master your Grey Warden abilities."

I just lay on my back in the meadow and stared up at the darkening sky trying to recall why I was celibate in the first place. All I could remember was how terrible I felt because Teagan cared more for me than he should and because of my immense guilt over sleeping with a man whose brother I had killed. I also remembered that I cared for Loghain, but as Morrigan pointed out unspoken understandings weren't understandings at all, they were assumptions.

Riordan plucked my hand out of the grass and caressed it. "I don't know why you're doing this, you never struck me as being reticent about such things. Our lives are likely to be short, sad, and brutal. Any happiness you can seize out of this mess you well deserve, my sister." He brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed it.

I turned my head to look at Riordan and I could see the desire in his eyes. "I didn't want to complicate things. It seems like that happens when you become intimate with the people you work with."

"It doesn't have to be complicated, Lucy. No one will understand better how you feel than another Grey Warden."

I rolled over to my side, my lips just inches from his. Riordan wanted to take the killing blow of the archdemon. If he did so, he would die. Chances are we would all die. He was right; we knew better than anyone what sacrifices we'd been called upon to make. Taking some comfort from each other made sense.

I rubbed my thumb over the stubble on his face that I had been longing to feel. It wasn't as abrasive as I thought it would be. I closed the distance between our mouths and kissed him softly. His mouth opened under mine and our kiss deepened. I felt a lance of desire pierce me. He put his hand in my hair and rolled me onto my back. I could feel his body through the thin cotton clothes he wore and I knew he could feel mine.

He pulled away from me for a moment. "I have first watch tonight. Shall I come to your tent afterward?"

I nodded. "Yes," I said quietly.

With what little light was left in the sky I saw his smile. "Let's get back to camp." He helped me up and pulled me up and into a kiss and we went back.

~o~o~o~

I thought I'd stay awake reading until Riordan came. I had kindled a little mage light and was reading through one of the books I had borrowed from Loghain about the history of Ferelden. The chapters on the Alamarri were exceptionally dull and I must have drifted off in the middle of it. I awoke when Riordan lifted the book off my face where it must have fallen when I fell asleep.

"Danny," I said sleepily. I held open my blankets to let him slip in next to me on my bedroll. The little wisp light I was reading by was still going.

"I shouldn't have disturbed you," he said.

"Nonsense." I rubbed my eyes and focused on him. I pulled him down to me and our lips met in a soft kiss. He just had on a pair of trousers. I was wearing the big shirt Teagan had given to me months ago. His mouth slipped down to my neck and he nibbled at the sensitive skin there. I ran my hands over his chest and the smattering of hair he possessed. He had a smaller, more compact build than Loghain but not as small as Zevran. For all that he was smaller, he was still well muscled. His arms were corded with muscle and his chest was well-developed.

My sleepiness dissolved quickly as weeks of sexual frustration bubbled to the surface. Riodan seemed intent on going slowly, exploring my body gently. He slowly unbuttoned my shirt, kissing my exposed skin as he went along. He peeled back my shirt and kissed an exposed nipple, pulling it into his mouth and teasing it with his tongue. I whimpered with my longing and pressed his head down harder into my chest. He took the hint and sucked harder then used his teeth a little. That made my hips buck and I could feel his hardened length rubbing against me through his trousers.

"You're awfully eager, little sister," he murmured.

"It's been too damn long," I hissed. I felt like powder keg. One bump and I was going to explode.

"Let me take the edge off." He rolled off me, his hand skimmed down my belly and cupped my mound for a moment. I was so on the knife-edge of my release that a simple touch nearly knocked me over. I whined quietly and opened my legs for him. His finger slid through my wet folds and I moaned loudly. I realized how out-of-control I was likely to be, so I threw my arm over my mouth. His thumb brushed over my nub and a finger pushed into my channel and that was all it took to send me hurtling into the abyss. I bit down on my arm to stifle my cries. My back arched as I was gripped by my release. He watched my face but continued thrusting his finger inside me and added another one while lightly rubbing his thumb against my clit. Waves of pleasure rolled through me, one after another, as I felt myself contract around his fingers inside me. One especially large wave rolled over me and then my body finally relaxed.

He leaned over me, a smile on his face. "Better now?"

I rolled over on top of him and kissed his face. "A bit. This could be a long night, Danny."

He laughed quietly. "I'm up to the challenge."

I ran my hand across the front of his trousers, feeling his hardened length. "I'd say so." I got him out of his trousers and impaled myself on him. I tried to mute my enthusiasm, as I'm sure he did as well, but our coupling got a bit wild. Avernus' potion had revitalized poor Danny's taint-ridden body. He even looked much younger than the nearly fifty years he claimed to be. It was a long night and we nearly knocked down my tent with our rambunctiousness. It almost became a competition to see who would wear out first and I think I can say it ended with a tie when we finally collapsed together onto the shambles we'd made of my bedroll.

"Should I leave?" he asked.

"Not unless you want to," I said, hoping he wouldn't. "I have a feeling everyone probably knows what went on here tonight." I could just imagine the complaints I'd hear from Wynne.

We gathered up my blankets and put my bedroll to rights again and both settled in; his front to my back, with his arm over my chest, pulling me tightly against him. Many weeks ago, when we had first walked onto the estate of the arl of Denerim, I had felt an itching compulsion that drew me to Riordan's cell in the arl's dungeon. It seemed now that the compulsion that had drawn me to him had never truly left me. But at least now it was quiescent. I drifted off to sleep, completely sated and exhausted, and had no dreams that I could recall.

He woke before I did the next morning and woke me with his caresses. I was still half asleep when he lifted my leg over his and slid inside me again. It was as tender and slow as it had been impassioned the night before. With my thoughts still halfway muddled from sleep, I found release just before he did. Sleep threatened to drag me down again after that, but people were starting to stir in the camp.

We got up and emerged from my tent to face the reactions from our companions. It was pretty much as I expected except Wynne looked downright irate. I suspected we might have kept her awake. I figured I'd get at least another minor curse from this latest transgression. Perhaps I should suggest that she should look into a dampen hearing spell. I tried to ignore the assortment of expressions on my companions' faces and pulled Riordan after me, to the nearby stream, to share my bathing magic with him.

~o~o~o~

We got to Orzammar around noon the next day and I was disappointed to find it wasn't Munchkin Land at all. It was full of pissed off little people. They nearly turned us away but then changed their minds when we told them we were Grey Wardens. Apparently we had arrived not long after the death of their king and they were in the midst of immense political upheaval because their Assembly was too divided to pick a new leader.

I listened to the tale unfold with a stony face hiding my profound disappointment. I thought I had escaped nasty political chicanery by leaving Denerim but apparently what was currently happening in Orzammar made human politics look polite by comparison. We even witnessed a fight with fatalities while we were speaking to a dwarf. The dwarf we were talking to told us there was a Grey Warden compound in the city and he told us how to find it. We went there straight away, trying to avoid the fights that were breaking out all around us.

There were plenty of rooms for all of us and the accommodations were very comfortable. The baths were the best part. There was hot running water constantly going that you could shower in and then you could soak in the hot mineral baths. There was also a very cold bath too, if you felt the need to shock your system.

I claimed a room for my own and Riordan stopped and looked at me with a questioning look in his eyes. "We could share a room," I suggested. "Fewer beds to make in the morning."

He smiled and we went into our room and shut the door. There was just one small question on my mind. "What about Zevran, Danny?"

"What of Loghain?" he asked me.

"I still care about him. I suppose there isn't much of a future for us, if I think about it realistically. I may not live long, but even if I do, I can't afford to be involved in Ferelden politics. My identity as Elissa Cousland won't survive much scrutiny by people who actually knew her."

"Should the Blight end with us and you should survive it, what will you do?"

I shrugged and felt tears stinging my eyes. "That question just seems so pointless, I refuse to even think about it. You were right, our lives are likely to be short and grim, what point is there making plans?"

He put his arms around me and stroked my hair. I looked up at him. "You side-stepped my question," I said.

He shrugged. "It was sex, Lucy. He understood that."

"Poor guy, I'm always cock-blocking him." I sighed. "Look, I'm open-minded. If you want to continue seeing him, I won't object."

"I think he might prefer you to me, actually. He mentioned you two were lovers briefly."

Abigail, the puritan presence in my mind, nearly fell out of her rocking chair with my next thought. "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may," I said softly. If my life were to pass before my eyes before I died, I wanted to have something interesting to watch.

"That bed looks big enough for three," I pointed out.

~o~o~o~

**Notes:**_ There's will be a Chapter 41__½__ that picks up where this one leaves off, but it is probably a little too naughty for and is really an excuse for PWP (porn without plot). I'll post it on da-tentparty dot dreamwidth dot org within the next few days (after it gets beta'd). You can thank Zevgirl for the prompt. _

_As always, my thanks for the reviews! If you have any ideas for me, please let me know. I haven't given much thought to what happens in Orzammar beyond the current chapter. _

_Happy Holidays everyone!_

_My cat is doing better too. So that makes writing much easier, between sessions of giving him subcutaneous fluids, shots, pills and massive amounts of cuddles._

_Thank you Biff for the corrections, as you'll note I took a few of your comments and incorporated them. Why indeed does Duncan have a shield?_


	42. Follow the Yellow Brick Deep Roads

_**Follow the Yellow Brick Deep Roads**_

Orzammar's government was like an obstructed bowel without a king. Nothing could pass. They couldn't even pick their noses, much less honor an ancient treaty with an ally. We needed a king in Orzammar. It seemed that both potential candidates would welcome the support of the Grey Wardens, but whomever we didn't pick would want us dead. This was how they played down-under. I sat with Alistair and Riordan and we mulled over our options.

"Harrowmont seems like a decent guy," Alistair said.

I snapped my fingers. "I just figured out why I don't like him! He looks like Arl Eamon. Same sort of values too, a hide-bound traditionalist. He wants to make sure the casteless stay that way, that surface dwarves stay out of the city, and so on. Just like Eamon insisting on royal blood and nobility."

Riordan looked between us both. "Let's think about this from the perspective of who would be the best candidate for humans to interact with; both for the Blight and for trading."

I tapped on my teeth and thought. "Probably Bhelen, since he seems to have less prejudice against surfacers. He's willing to forgo traditions to improve the lot of all his citizens. Danny, didn't you say that the dwarves are dying out? Couldn't that be due in part to their restrictive caste system?"

Riordan nodded. "Yes, they're being diminished by the darkspawn and a lowish birth rate."

I chewed a hangnail on my finger. "I should suggest polyandry." Multiple husbands per woman. My eyes glazed, daydreaming about how that would be.

"_Oh, I'm sorry Danny, it's Loghain's turn tonight. I could fit you in after lunch, I think. No wait, I promised Zevran. Well... hell! I've got a few minutes to spare right now, sweetheart. Yes, I know you're a Grey Warden and you have needs. I have them too. Did I ever mention how cute you look in those harem pants? Grrrrowl!"_

"Lucy?" Alistair said, waving a hand in front of my face. "Are you still with us?"

"Oh sorry!" I said, wiping the vacuous smile off my face. "You were saying?"

Alistair grimaced. "Bhelen strikes me as very underhanded and manipulative."

"True," Riordan said, "that would be a negative in human politics but perhaps it is a positive here in Orzammar."

We argued over the two dwarves' advantages and disadvantages for several hours. I personally liked Harrowmont better; he was rather grandfatherly and even-tempered, even likable. Bhelen practically oozed unctuousness. I bet he even put smarmalade on his lichen bread toast. I couldn't talk to the guy without wanting to take a long hot shower afterward. Still, he was the one I wanted on the throne. I liked his progressive ideas. Riordan agreed with me and eventually Alistair came around.

We had to run errands for him. He had us deliver documents I had a good notion were probably fake. Then he insisted we clean up the Carta, a criminal organization based in Dust Town. It was no easy task. We had to fight our way through an extensive underground hideout and we had a lot of close calls. It was especially bad when we met the leader of the gang, Jarvia. On one hand I was pleased to see how women were accepted in positions of power and influence, however... it was dismaying that she was in charge of a criminal society.

It was amazing that none of us were killed. Most of us came out of that fight with knife wounds or burns, or both. My braid was halfway burned off when I walked into a trap and set off a fiery explosion. I did lose my eyebrows. I was extremely grateful that Wynne had taught me some healing spells and I knew a little first-aid. Zevran had suffered a vicious knifing into his side and I think we might have lost him if Wynne and I both hadn't been working on him together.

We emerged from the Carta hideout limping, bloody and singed, but victorious. However, if we thought anyone in Dust Town would welcome us after that, we were sorely mistaken. The Carta supported a lot of the casteless who otherwise would starve. We had effectively destroyed their most successful means of survival, at least until they could form a new one. I really hoped Bhelen could pull off the reforms he was suggesting.

I was spitting mad when Bhelen thanked us and then set us onto another task. Wasn't it enough that this one nearly killed us? We went back to the Grey Warden compound and stewed. I considered abandoning Bhelen and approaching Harrowmont but I suspected they both would want a paragon's seal of approval and we'd end up in the same place regardless.

Zevran finally stood up and shook his head. "Why don't you murder one of them?" he asked.

It was a sensible solution. Quick and efficient. I wondered why the dwarves hadn't resorted to assassination? Maybe their security was too good. I was about to open my mouth and say it was a good idea, I was certainly angry enough at the moment, but Riordan shook his head. "No. We can't risk being associated with that." I was grateful that Riordan had decided that, because I wasn't at all sure I wouldn't have agreed with Zevran.

We were being sent into the Deep Roads to find Branka, a living (hopefully) paragon, in order to win her support for Bhelen. She was there looking for some sort of amazing anvil that the dwarves used to forge golems. But the Deep Roads were said to be full of darkspawn, so whether she had survived or not was anyone's guess. So we either needed to get her support or find proof she was dead.

We three Wardens went to Tapster's that night to try to discover whatever we could about Branka and the Deep Roads. Riordan found a very drunk dwarf who claimed to be her husband. I let him deal with that dwarf; I couldn't deal with the smell. I found another dwarf with some helpful tidbits about the Deep Roads.

"Dark stalkers make good eatin'," he said. "Them and nugs are yer best bet, lass. You can eat certain kinds of lichen too. The gray sort isn't bad, although you need to boil it awhile. Don't eat the green kind, it's poisonous. The orange sort is what we make beer out of. Needs to ferment. Deep mushrooms aren't bad. One good sized mushroom can feed you for days."

I bought the dwarf more booze. "Would you be interested in coming with us? We'd pay very well."

He laughed. "No, thanks! I've had enough of the Deep Roads for one lifetime."

I tried to find a price that I could hire him for but he wasn't interested. There wasn't anyone else in the bar that I could find that would serve as a guide either. Oh well, at least we got some good information.

As we left the tavern we were nearly knocked down by a tsunami of enthusiasm. A young woman named Dagna was beside herself wanting to talk with us about the Circle Tower. She revealed that she wanted to study there.

"Are you a mage?" I asked, not aware that dwarves had no aptitude at magic.

"Oh no! I just want to study magic," she bubbled on and on about mages and magic and everything she wanted to learn. She asked if we'd go to the Circle Tower and ask permission for her to study. I agreed to do it. I couldn't help but be charmed by her enthusiasm.

"I know a little magic myself," I said. I wasn't sure how magic would be received by dwarves.

"You do?" Dagna breathed. "Oh please, show me something! Did you study at the Tower? Have you ever been to Tevinter? Do you have any opinion on the use of lyrium in magic? What about the Fade? Why don't dwarves go to the Fade?"

I was nearly knocked over by the barrage of questions. "I'm probably not the best person to ask. I sort of grew up outside the Tower." _Understatement of the year! _I held out my hand and a tiny arc of lightning jumped from finger to finger.

"Ooooh!" she said and applauded my little display.

I grinned broadly, egged on by her approval. "Want to see something really cool?"

"Cool? Is it some sort of elemental spell?" she asked, unfamiliar with my slang.

"No, _cool _is mage slang for _very impressive_. Something you might want to remember." I wondered if I could get some of my slang into their language. "Watch this." I turned into a crow and strutted around in front of her and cawed.

"Ancestors!" she said, goggling at me.

I turned back into myself. "Pretty good, eh?"

Riordan tugged on my arm. "We should probably go."

Dagna's eyes were as big as saucers. "You... you must be a master enchanter!"

I had a hard time leaving behind my appreciative audience. I waved goodbye to the sweet little dwarf and promised I'd return after I talked to the First Enchanter.

Riordan looked at me sideways. "You're a bit susceptible to flattery, you know."

"I'm just trying to help out that young woman. She is obviously very intelligent and deserves to broaden her perspective beyond the confines of Orzammar."

He smiled indulgently. "As you say, master enchantress."

"Impudent mortal," I muttered, but kissed him on the cheek to show him I forgave him his trespass.

Alistair coughed, embarrassed by our display of affection.

"Oh, I'm sorry Alistair. I shouldn't leave you out." I leaned over and bussed him on the cheek as well. He flushed.

"Stop it, Lucy. You're making a spectacle," he said.

"You'd better get used to it, Alistair. Kaitlyn is going to expect such things," I teased him.

He rolled his eyes and was about to retort but we were attacked. Fortunately we'd been warned about such things and so we never left the compound without armor and weapons. It was a small group of Harrowmont supporters and we did all right against them. What few wounds we took I was able to heal after the battle was over.

We high-tailed it from the scene of the battle back to the Grey Warden compound, not wanting to get involved in any other spontaneous battles.

"We should get into the Deep Roads as soon as possible," Riordan said. "We've got too many people angry at us in Orzammar to be safe here. Between the Carta survivors and Harrowmont's people, we're going to be under attack wherever we go."

Alistair grimaced. "It's pretty bad to have to flee to the Deep Roads for safety."

I frowned. "I guess we can leave tomorrow. We'll pack all the food we can. But I've heard there are things we can hunt or forage along the way. I have no idea how long this trip will be. We'd better enjoy our comfortable amenities this one last night." I looked at Riordan and planned how I would enjoy my final night of comfort and privacy. The look he returned said he was thinking the same thing.

~o~o~o~

I lay wrapped in Riordan's arms that last "morning" – who could tell when it was morning in Orzammar? I used my Grey Warden abilities to sense my brothers. Finally I had mastered the ability that had eluded me for so long. It came to me easily now. I found sensing them was reassuring. It must be nice to be surrounded with lots of Grey Wardens, to feel their presence around you, like being a wolf in the midst of a pack.

Riordan woke up and looked pensive. He kissed me and held me close. I looked up at him and wondered what was going through his head. "What is it, Danny?"

He shook his head. "It's nothing. I just thought I'd be going to the Deep Roads under different circumstances."

I swore softly. He had reminded me that he had volunteered to take the killing blow of the archdemon and die. There was no silver lining for us was there? We were all going to fucking die. Perhaps even long before the archdemon ever made an appearance. Didn't the darkspawn live in the Deep Roads? What if they just swarm us? Isn't the archdemon down there?

I turned away from Riordan, I didn't want him to see the emotions I was experiencing. I wasn't any sort of hero. This stuff was scaring the hell out of me. I didn't want to die. I didn't want my friends to die. I would have suggested to Riordan and Alistair that we turn around, flee somewhere far away and let someone else handle it, but they'd never agree to it. They were heroes. I was only here because they were my brothers, I couldn't leave them.

I finally realized that Flemeth was insane, and more importantly, wrong. I wasn't the right person to solve the Blight. I was a complete coward. I was far too fond of living. I liked making plans for the future, daydreaming about what I could do for this world. I liked sex. Magic was fun. I was young (again) and pretty. Being alive had a lot going for it. Death, not so much.

"Don't think about it, Lucy." He had a pretty good idea of what I was thinking. "Just take it as it comes."

I nodded, not trusting myself to talk. I tugged gently at his braid and tried to memorize everything about his rugged, handsome face. There was a crease on his forehead from frowning, a little hollowness to his cheeks, piercing green eyes with lines beside them, and of course his perpetually scruffy face. This was the face of a hero. Someone willing to give up his life for us, for people he didn't even know. I was ashamed I didn't want to make that sacrifice or that I didn't want him to either. I very selfishly wanted to keep it all intact.

"Do you want to..." He smiled and leaned over and kissed my clavicle.

I nodded. Of course I did. I was still a Grey Warden.

~o~o~o~

The drunken dwarf claiming to be Branka's husband, who we'd met in Tapster's, ambushed us just before we entered the Deep Roads. He introduced himself as Oghren, a member of the Warrior caste. He wanted, no insisted, to come with us.

I motioned Alistair and Riordan aside. "We could use a guide," I said.

Alistair wrinkled his nose and frowned. "I think he's drunk."

Riordan nodded. "He certainly smells it. But I've known some Grey Wardens who fought like demons when they were drunk. I wouldn't turn down his help."

We agreed to take him. He was crude, obnoxious and, at times, odious in his personal habits; but we were glad on more than one occasion to have him along as he did turn out to be a fairly good guide. He was such a macho little guy. I could just see him watching the super bowl, drinking cheap beer, eating greasy Buffalo wings, farting and burping with abandon. Queer Eye would have had their hands full with him. I would have paid a lot to see him having his back waxed. _Let's see how brave this__ warrior is with a waxed strip of his back hair being pulled out by the roots._

_~o~o~o~_

My darkspawn sensing abilities were constantly tingling and itching. I could feel their presence behind my sinuses, like an impending sinus infection. Sometimes the feeling was so strong it made me sneeze. Then I figured out I was becoming allergic to them. My nose started to drip like a leaking faucet and I was constantly sniffing, except when my sinuses were too congested and swollen for anything to escape. It got worse whenever we came across a camp of them. The piles of rags that they slept on made me sneeze and drip like mad.

"Wynne," I moaned on the day I figured out what was going on, "can you do anyting for allergies?" I sniffed and wiped my nose with my sleeve.

Wynne looked at me strangely. "Are you sure you don't just have a cold?"

"No, I dote have a code in my doze. It's an allergy," I said, my eyes watering with an impending sneeze.

Wynne stopped walking and inspected me carefully. "I've seen people who were allergic to animals or food... but this is a new one. I think you're allergic to the darkspawn." She pulled back an eyelid and peered in. "There's not enough fresh air to dilute their essence like there would be outside."

Morrigan wandered over and inspected me as well. "Allergic to darkspawn are you?" she smirked at me. "That's rather ironic, isn't it? You're a Grey Warden, sworn to fight them, and they make you sneeze and sniffle."

"Yes, very fuddy. I am glad you are abused," I said through my stuffed nasal passages.

Morrigan's amusement only increased. "I can just see you confronting the archdemon and being seized with a sneezing fit." She laughed merrily. "I wonder if Mother foresaw this? Somehow I doubt it."

Then everyone else came over and asked questions and laughed when they found out I was allergic. Even Riordan could barely conceal his mirth.

"Well dabbit! Is there anyting you can do?" I stomped my foot. My poor sinuses were making me very grumpy.

Wynne smiled. "Of course, there's a herbal preparation. I have the herbs but not a lot of them. We'll need to ration them out until we get to where we can find more."

"Figures," I said. When we stopped to eat Wynne brewed me a cup tea to make my allergies better. It did work, rather splendidly actually. It wore off after a few hours though.

~o~o~o~

We went through a few abandoned Thaigs and found lots of junk, and sometimes treasure, that we could sell eventually. We lived off the land, so to speak. Whenever we encountered deep stalkers or nugs, we ate them. We also found deep stalker eggs and deep mushrooms. Stalker steaks were very tasty. Oghren showed us that some the mineral deposits were decent for seasoning the meat. They weren't just salty, they gave a kind of umami flavor vaguely reminiscent of soy sauce.

Oghren noted that he recognized some signs that Branka had been through Ortan Thaig. We weren't sure exactly how long we'd been walking and fighting through the Deep Roads. Oghren said it had been a week or slightly more. I was really starting to hate this place. It felt oppressive. Sometimes I wondered if the air was running out. I had never had issues with claustrophobia before but I was starting to get that way here. The nightmares also started coming more frequently and they featured the archdemon far more often. That lead to some unexpected sleeping arrangements.

Riordan and I had been laying our bedrolls together, but we had no tents so our nights had been frustratingly chaste. When Alistair started suffering badly with the nightmares I suggested he sleep closer to us. It seemed to help to feel the proximity of Grey Wardens around you. Perhaps it was simply the comfort of other humans who cared, but I think it was something more than that. It took a few nights for Alistair to feel comfortable enough to put his bedroll right next to ours. But when one of us would start whimpering or screaming the others would reach out with their Grey Warden ability and put a reassuring arm around the suffering sleeper. It seemed to dispel the nightmare in short order. Zevran claimed he was having the nightmares too, but I knew he just wanted to sleep with the cool kids. He slept on the other side of Riordan.

One sleeping period all three of us Wardens awoke bathed in cold sweat.

"The archdemon is close," Alistair whispered.

Riordan nodded. We got up and dressed; Zevran came with us but we let the others sleep. We crept out to the edge of the path we'd been following. It followed the top of a very deep crevasse, which I learned later was the Deep Trenches. We peered over the edge to see a flowing river of darkspawn far below us. The only way we could tell was from the pinpricks of light far below from the torches they carried.

An enormous dragon flew around the chamber above the trench. It roared and spit some sort of purple fire. I watched in utter terror as it flew over us. We pulled back, trying to hide from its glowing yellow eyes. I also realized my herbal allergy medication had worn off and my sinuses were itching madly. I squeezed my nose shut and begged my body to not sneeze. Zevran looked at me, his eyes wide with understanding that one sneeze might give us away. He watched me as I trembled trying to suppress the urge.

The dragon landed a short ways off and tears were streaming down my face. Then the enormous dragon roared long and loud and at that moment the sneeze refused to stay bottled up any longer and I let it loose. There was no way... NO WAY... my sneeze could rival the volume of that massive roar yet the damn dragon went silent, as if it had heard my sneeze through his awful racket. He turned his malevolent, gleaming eyes in our direction and we all froze in terror. I felt like we were a quartet of mice confronted with a tiger. It seemed like those terrible eyes would never turn away from the spot where we were frozen.

I could feel the itch building again, behind my eyes. _Sweet Andraste, _I prayed, _I don't believe in you but I promise I'll go to Chantry every Sunday if you'll just let me not sneeze._

After a long moment of terror the dragon finally took to wing and flew off. I did not sneeze. I hoped, if Andraste did exist, she wasn't the sort to hold a grudge when I failed to live up to my bargain. _I am a weak-willed person, you should know that, _I told her.

We couldn't get back to sleep after that. We waited until the others awoke and then continued along the Dead Trenches, until we reached the Legion of the Dead. After that, things got grimmer.

~o~o~o~

**Note: **Thanks for the reviews and suggestions! I love them and your suggestions are often extremely helpful. If you haven't seen it, I've started _The Lost Chapters_ which are a couple of short works that didn't really fit in this story. They are very short and, hopefully, funny out-takes. They both take place in the future. Although, don't try to infer anything from them plot-wise.

I sometimes skip ahead in the story to pre-write an upcoming chapter. I just did that and wow, I can't wait to get there... it's towards the end though, so we have a ways to go. Puff, puff, puff... with the holidays over I should have lots of time to write.

My eternal gratitude to Biff for beta-reading! Horray! If you'd like to chat with some of us, we hang out at PeopleOfThedas dot Dreamwidth dot com and exchange ideas, commiserate when a long series ends, or post our silly drabbles and what not.


	43. Victoria's Nightmare

_**Victoria's Nightmare**_

_She_ towered above us, a quivering Christmas tree built entirely of breasts. It was like some nightmarish creature from a Woody Allen movie. It was an obscene mockery of a Victoria's Secret runway show: a grotesque celebration of womanhood, sans lingerie. I was certain the breastmas tree was going to spew milk at us, so I wasn't at all prepared for the poison shooting from her mouth, or the tentacles that emerged from the ground.

The ground. That's an interesting label for what we stood on. It was more like a pestilential mucus membrane. It was slick, red and swollen like infected gums. It sported polyps and lesions, like a diseased colon. Large tumors pulsated with an eerie light, which was unfortunate; I would have preferred pitch dark to the sights before me.

"What is it?" I murmured.

"A broodmother," Riordan said, standing as riveted to the ground as I was.

The only welcome vision in all this was the two rocks that emerged out of the tissue covered ground. Those two rocks seemed to give us some separation from the beast and the tentacles.

"Stand on the rocks," I shouted, barely dodging a thin stream of what I suspected was not split-pea soup, "and shoot!" The not-split-pea soup sizzled when it hit the ground, confirming my suspicions.

Most of us had ranged weapons, except Oghren. The rest of us stood on the rocks and shot at her. He chopped at the waving tentacles with his ax. A few darkspawn came into the cavern where we fought her. Laryn? Was this the woman that the nearly incoherent Hespith had been chanting about?

When anything came too close to us on our rock perches we switched to melee weapons. I caught a load of whatever it was the broodmother was spitting on my chest and screamed as it dripped into my cleavage, burning and sticky. I tried to wipe it away with my hands but it burned them too. I got out my water-skin and poured it over myself. It helped.

I saw Oghren get hit full in the face with the poison and he dropped his weapon and screamed in pain. I dashed over to his rock and poured water on his face and hands. Then I dashed back to the rock where I had been fighting with Riordan and Wynne. Others saw what I had been doing with my water-skin and they followed suit.

One of the tentacles picked up Riordan and squeezed him. I cursed it furiously, chopping at it with my daggers. It flung him around like a rag doll and it seemed hopeless that I'd damage it enough to get him free. I heard his moan of pain as the tentacle squeezed him. I got in only one really good stab and the tentacle bashed him against the rock. I was afraid it was going to kill him, so I cut myself on each forearm and the blood seeped out of the cuts and down my blades.

Wynne was busy healing and she didn't see what I had done. The blood magic made my blades sizzle as they cut deeply into the tentacle. It dropped Riordan and writhed in agony. I caught the tentacle with my hand, somehow sinking my fingers into its slippery, thick skin and I began to saw at it. I cut it nearly three-fourths of the way through it before it retreated into the mucus membrane floor. I had to let go or risk being pulled into the floor.

Wynne was kneeling beside Riordan healing him. He didn't move for a moment, then he sat up and bounced to his feet looking fit.

"Welcome back." I grinned grimly. "Fancy riding, buckaroo! I think that could be a new rodeo event."

He looked at my blades and the seeping wound on my forearms. "That work?"

"Like a hot knife through buh..." I started to say, but the tentacles burst through the floor again and one wrapped around my ankle and pulled me up off the rock. "Oh fuck!" I screamed. Then I thanked Elissa Cousland for having a strong core. I pulled my torso up like a sit-up and began to saw on the end of the tentacle holding my ankle. The blood magic was still working and my dagger sawed easily. The tentacle was whipping me around and I could barely hang on; I was also about to lose the deep stalker stew I'd eaten for lunch. I was able to saw through the tentacle and I flew across the chamber and landed with a squishy plop in the mucus membrane floor. My bare thighs were coated with some sort of ooze. Then I had a horrible epiphany. The thing rising out of the floor was all breasts and a pair of tiny arms and a head. What if this mucus membrane stuff were her... _urgh_... genitals and this slime coating my thighs... _do not finish that thought__!_

When the broodmother finally died we all looked at each other with our own personal trauma reflected in our eyes. This was what the darkspawn did to females they captured. They turned them into breeding machines. "Just kill me, if it looks hopeless." The other women in my party all nodded.

Hespith walked along a precipice above the brood mother and finished her chant. "That's why they hate us..." she said. She drew another breath. "That's why they take..." She stopped, a bolt sprouted out of her chest.

I saw Alistair lowering his crossbow. "I couldn't let that happen to her."

I nodded. "Of course not." I walked over to him and squeezed his arm. There was something different about Alistair. He looked like he had just matured about ten years in the last few minutes. Riordan nodded to him. A subtle guy gesture that said, _'You did right'_.

We filed out of the chamber and resumed our long march to the Anvil of the Void.

~o~o~o~

Then we met Branka. She had only two breasts, and for that I was grateful. She and Oghren weren't delighted to be reunited. In fact, she pretty much trapped us and forced us to run a gauntlet of Caridin's devising that she couldn't figure out.

I leaned over to whisper to Oghren, "I am so not inviting you and your wife over for dinner if we survive this."

He shrugged at me. "She's madder than a bagful of wet nugs."

"Oh fine, I'll invite you, but not her."

We figured our way out of the traps and puzzles. It was annoying and tedious and ended in painful bruises. Usually it started with me dashing into a room and waving my arms around while everyone else waited behind a door. Something would follow me back to where everyone else waited and we would pound it to pieces.

Finally we came upon a room with an immense metal golem who introduced himself as the paragon Caridin. He explained that he wanted to destroy the anvil because it was a pretty awful thing. It trapped the essence of a dwarf in a construct, a golem. I gathered that it was rather unpleasant, especially since your free will was taken from you and you were subject to the whims of whoever possessed your control rod.

"Funny," Zevran murmured, "it works that way for me too."

I smiled mischievously at Zevran and suppressed a guffaw. This was a serious moment and I had to be serious.

Then Branka, taking advantage of our solving the puzzles and disarming various traps, showed up. She presented her counter-argument to destroying the anvil. Rather, she screeched her counter-argument at us.

I looked at my brothers. "We need an aside," I said to Branka and Caridin. I pulled Riordan and Alistair aside. "Okay, let's see if we can come to some sort of consensus on this. Danny? What are your thoughts?"

He mused a moment. "Well, the golems would be amazing to have for the Blight, but I couldn't condone trapping someone inside one of them for eternity."

I turned to Alistair. "Oh definitely Caridin. Branka is vicious and insane."

I smiled. "Good. I feel that way too. Will Oghren be a problem?"

Riordan shrugged. "Who knows where his loyalties lie now. It seemed there was little love lost between the pair."

"I think we can resolve this without further conflict," I said. I think those words qualified me for a plaque in the "Didn't Turn Out That Way" Hall of Fame.

We broke and returned to the golems and Branka.

"I think we've decided how to resolve this unfortunate conflict," I said, trying to put a positive spin on some bad news. I realized I had become the spokesperson for our little party. It must have been Elissa's golden pipes and my choice of soothing, happy words. "Branka, I am sorry, but we believe it is inhumane, or indwarvane, to create new golems. We agree with Caridin, the anvil must be destroyed. However, we'd be happy to escort you back to Orzammar."

That bit of news did not go over well; my choice of soothing, happy words, delivered in smoothly modulated tones aside. Branka proved she had picked up something from her husband and she knew how to fight. She caught me by surprise, swinging her sword at my middle, nearly disemboweling me, but I did manage to jump out of the way. Alistair charged into her and caught her attention, but some golems joined the fight.

"She's got a control rod!" Caridin bellowed.

I hate golems, as being struck by rocks is highly unpleasant. I was squishy and soft, they were... rock hard. It is not a good combination. _Bam!_ My arm is broken. _Whirling blue light. _Hooray, it's mended. _Bam! _Broken again. It was hell on my weapons too. Exactly what can a pair of daggers do to a golem other than carve my initials into it, dulling them in the process? Before my weapons went completely dull I cut my hands again and drew on the blood magic. Then I started having more success. My daggers cut into the rock like it was flesh. Riordan saw my success and cut himself as well.

Oghren did not turn on us as I had feared he might; we were after all, trying to kill his wife. He swore at her and took swings with his big ax. She turned away from Alistair and gave back to Oghren better than he was giving. It was the marital dispute of the century. Alistair kept bashing her head with his shield and she decided he was a worse threat than Oghren.

It was fortunate that Wynne had a plethora of broken limbs to fix rather than seeing two out of three Wardens using blood magic. When the fight ended, with us prevailing however broken and crushed we were, I quickly healed our self-inflicted wounds and Wynne was unaware that we'd offended the Maker and his best girl.

Zevran stared down at Branka's lifeless body and clapped a reassuring hand on Oghren's shoulder. "At least it is cheaper than a divorce," he said reassuringly.

Oghren nodded. "This way I get to keep the liquor cabinet and the china." His eyes were a bit red, but I think they were that way all the time.

Caridin forged a crown for us and told us to give it to whomever we wished. I asked him to inscribe some words on the inside. _Don't be an ass. _I figured those would be good words for a king to carry around. Caridin actually giggled. It was one of the stranger things I'd ever heard. He inscribed the words in a very tiny, flowery script. Hopefully the king wouldn't see it until we were well away from Orzammar.

He asked us to destroy the Anvil of the Void for him. I wasn't exactly sure how we were supposed to do that. It was a big, hulking piece of metal that we couldn't budge even if we all pushed together.

"Um... how?" My expression must have shown my incredulity.

Caridin picked up a large metal hammer and handed it to me. It was very heavy. "Strike the anvil with this hammer."

"You mean me?" I could barely lift the hammer. I tottered backwards as I hefted it up. "I'm pretty fit, but I rather doubt..."

"Do not doubt!" Caridin said forcefully. "Strike the forge and shatter it with your will." His tone was confident and imperious.

I pulled in a deep breath and took a wide-stance. "I think I can... I think I can..." I murmured. I shifted the hammer, turned my torso and remembered how I had split through pine boards in karate class. You just had to focus your energy on the correct spot and _know_ that you could do it. This would be easier, because I wouldn't have a broken, bloody hand if I messed up. Just a very, very sore, numb tingling arm. I focused myself for a moment and then I struck, yelling a loud kiai.

The hammer hit the anvil and it didn't stop. The anvil shattered around the hammer into a lot of pieces. I stood there for a moment looking in disbelief at the pile of broken anvil. "Oh wow!" was all I could murmur. The crazy thought of _I should have worn safety glasses_ occurred to me. A piece of the anvil could have hit me in the eye.

"Well done, Warden." Caridin gave me a respectful bow then executed a very graceful swan dive into the molten lava river below the top of the cliff where we stood.

I watched to see how big of a splash he would make, but if there was one I couldn't see it. "Be at peace, Caridin." I hoped his essence, soul, or whatever that had been trapped inside the metal construct would be at rest.

I turned to my companions and despite all the rather tragic events I grinned happily. We were leaving the Deep Roads! I'd have hot baths, hot meals and... privacy again. If I never saw another Victoria's nightmare beast, it'd be too soon.

~o~o~o~

"Caridin chose Bhelen!" The lie fell of my lips easily. Caridin couldn't give a rat's ass who the next king was. I pulled the crown out of my bag and held it up for all to see.

The crowd murmured around us to see the very nice crown he had made. I handed it to the seneschal and Bhelen walked solemnly down the steps of the assembly and knelt.

"Let the memories find you worthy, first amidst the lords of the houses, the king of Orzammar" were the simple words spoken by the lord steward as Bhelen was crowned the king.

I swallowed a guffaw as the crown nearly dwarfed, so to speak, Bhelen's head.

Bhelen turned around and addressed Harrowmont. "Do you acknowledge me as king?"

"I... cannot defy a paragon, the throne is yours, King Bhelen." Harrowmont knelt and bowed his head.

"Then as my first act as king, I call for this man's execution. Guards, seize him!" Bhelen shouted, his voice echoing off the walls of the assembly.

I started to take a step forward to protest the brutal move but I felt Riordan clamp his hand around my forearm and he shook his head at me. I could only look on in amazement. _How incredibly brutal Bhelen was._

Bhelen promised us immediate support and we agree to meet him in the palace the next day.

~o~o~o~

I stewed the entire way back to the Grey Warden compound and everyone could see I was fuming. As soon as we got inside I turned to Riordan and opened my mouth. "What..."

"Lucy, he probably did that to ensure there wouldn't be uprisings in the future. He dealt harshly with his opponent to send a message about what others can expect. Is it brutal? Yes, but this is how dwarves rule. We can't interfere in that any more than we already have."

"You're right," I acknowledged. "The Prime Directive of the Grey Wardens." Heck, a few short weeks ago I would have murdered Harrowmont myself to resolve this more quickly. We wouldn't get our army of dwarves if Bhelen couldn't hold onto the throne. No one asked about the Prime Directive, for which I was grateful. I was certain Star Trek would sound geeky even in Thedas.

But we were out of the Deep Roads! The dwarves could rot in hell, just so long as we got our treaty fulfilled. I wasted no more energy thinking about how poor Lord Harrowmont was going to be dealt with.

"I call dibbs on the baths!" I yelled. I started to peel off my armor, dropping my pack, my weapons, and other bits behind me, on my mad dash to the bathing room. Riordan followed right behind me and promised the others he wouldn't let me dawdle in there.

We all had a lot of scrubbing to do to get the Deep Roads out of our pores.

~o~o~o~

**Notes: **_Thanks for the reviews! I live for them... seriously. If you haven't, you might want to check out The Lost Chapters. They are very short snippets from this story that burned their way out of my brain and didn't really fit into the main story, or at least, not when I initially wrote them._

_My eternal gratitude to Biff McLaughlin who catches much dreckitude in my writing. _


	44. The Dragonishy Lady

_**Summary: **__I've decided to provide a summary of the prior chapter at the start of each new one to refresh my reader's memories. I always have to go skim through prior chapters to remind myself what happened with a story, especially when it's been awhile since an update. Eh, I'm an old lady like Lucy. The old Grey Warden ain't what she used to be._

_In the last chapter the party took on a broodmother and learned what becomes of the fairer sex in the Deep Roads, killed Branka, and destroyed the Anvil, and crowned Bhelin King of Orzammar. Lucy called dibbs on the bathroom first when they got back to the Warden compound. Why that all took so many words to write a chapter ago, I have no idea. :)_

_**The Dragon-ish-y Lady**_

Leaving the underground city of Orzammar into a brilliant day was like emerging from the womb. I blinked in the bright sunlight, squinted and walked blindly for a few minutes. Oghren had it even worse; he looked positively peaked.

"Am I going to fall into the sky?" He clung to a stone pillar.

"Did you ever fall into the ceiling in Orzammar?" I said dryly. _Science education is abysmal in this world!_ I thought. Then I reminded myself this wasn't earth and they _were_ sort of in the middle ages. I should give them a break.

"No, of course not." He looked at me quizzically. "The stone holds us in place."

"Have you never lifted both feet off the floor, like jumping up?" I tried to reason with him.

"Well, sure."

"You weren't in contact with the stone then, right? Why didn't you go drifting up to the ceiling?"

He grunted and let go of the stone pillar. "Okay, if it isn't the stone what is it, Miss Smarty-pants?"

"There's a force that pulls us back to earth, er... the ground, when we try to escape it. It's called..." – I am an evil, evil person – "suction."

~o~o~o~

We walked south, around Lake Calenhad, until we reached Redcliffe Village where we planned to restock and pay our respects to the new Arl, Teagan. I got progressively more nervous as we came closer, wondering how I would deal with Teagan when we met.

One night as I laid in Riordan's arms he finally commented on my edginess. "What's bothering you, Lucy?"

"Oh. Well... Teagan and I were..." Why was this so hard to explain? I flailed my hands looking for the right word.

"Lovers?" Riordan supplied.

"Yes." I turned over so I could look at him as I spoke. I thought of how complicated my sex-drive had made everything. "Then I killed his brother, as you already know. I feel horribly guilty about that." _If I ever went back to earth, I was going to write a mini-series based on this. The sex, the violence, the angst, it was all there!_

"Hmmm, yes that does complicate things." He looked at me curiously. "Do you care for him?"

I thought about it a moment. "Yes, I did – I do – certainly, as a friend and lover. But I knew we couldn't be anything more than that. I told him, not that I think he really listened to me." I sighed. "I suspect he's going to want to resume our prior relationship and, of course, I can't."

"Why not? If I might ask."

"I killed his brother. I can't think of anything else when I see him." I could still see Teagan's grief when he heard his brother was dead; even though they had been fighting and divided about the succession, I had abruptly ended a lifetime of shared experiences between the pair.

"Ah, I see. Any other reasons?"

I smiled weakly. My involvement with Riordan, Zevran and Loghain was already impossibly complex. "It has gotten a little too complicated, Danny. I tend to get very attached." I wondered if he would understand what I meant by that.

He looked at me intently. "This doesn't have to be complicated, Lucy. In fact, it shouldn't be complicated. I have enjoyed our time together but I'm going to be dead in the not-distant future. Having you with me brings me comfort and I can forget sometimes. If I need to stand aside for someone else, I will, of course."

I fought back the tears stinging at the back of my eyes and slugged him in the shoulder. "No, I don't want that, idiot." I turned over, not wanting him to see what was in my eyes. He didn't understand what I had meant; perhaps I didn't want him to.

"Lucy," he said softly, running his hand down my arm, "just tell me what it is."

"You were right, that day outside of Orzammar. You said nobody would understand me like another Grey Warden. We live on the knife-edge of existence, especially during a Blight." I turned over and ran my hand along his jaw. It teetered on my tongue, words that would make our sacrifice all that much more painful to contemplate. It would be selfish of me to tell him I loved him. So I kept it to myself. "You were right. That's all."

~o~o~o~

As it turns out, my worries were groundless. Teagan wasn't going to want to rekindle our relationship, he had found someone else. I was delighted for him, until I found out who it was: Kaitlyn.

"Ah... engaged?" I said, trying to recover from the surprise, "That's wonderful, I'm happy for you both." I darted a worried look at Alistair. He looked rather pale, but he bore the news stoically. I silently cursed Teagan for choosing her; he was the one who had suggested she would be a good match for Alistair. I wondered if there might be some measure of vindictiveness in his choice. I didn't want to believe that. Teagan had always been so honorable in his dealings with us. I kissed him and his fiancé on the cheek and smiled at them both. I sneaked a peek at Riordan and he sent me a little smile.

"Please, come in!" Teagan was as gracious as ever. He showed us to our rooms and gave us time to rest and clean up from our travels.

A little before dinner was to be served there was a knock at my door. I put down the book I was reading and opened the door to find Teagan.

"Do you have a few minutes to talk, Lucy?" he asked. He looked a little uncomfortable, but he was the same earnest gentleman he'd always been. I couldn't believe he'd do anything intentionally hurtful to Alistair.

"Of course. Please come in." I gestured him in and closed the door behind him.

He went to the decanter in my room and poured a drink for himself. "Care to join me?"

"I suppose so. The spirits in Orzammar are terrible. Somehow I always thought dwarves would be better brew masters. They were in the lore of my world anyway."

Teagan chuckled and handed me a glass with brandy and a little water mixed in. "I wanted to explain about Kaitlyn."

"There's nothing to explain, Teagan. I am very happy you've found someone." I clinked my glass against his. "Congratulations. Alistair might be a little disappointed but I don't think their relationship had gone very far."

Teagan sighed. "I did...do love you, Lucy, but I finally realized what you were telling me all those times. I kept hoping things would change. I was very depressed after you left and, well, Kaitlyn was a great comfort."

"I'm glad for you, Teagan. You needed someone after losing your brother. It's time for you to start your own family." I eyed him up and down with a big grin. "Past time! You'd better get cracking on that procreation business, especially now you're an Arl."

Teagan smiled at me. "Should you change your mind, Lucy..."

I smiled. "I won't forget our time together but it's time to move on, for both of us."

Teagan's eyebrows rose. "Oh? Is there someone new in your life?"

I pondered whether I should say anything or not. "Riordan."

"The Grey Warden from Orlais? Is it serious?"

"Serious? Teagan, I'm expecting to be dead in the not-too-distant future." I turned away and walked to the window. "Riordan expects to die too. What sort of future could we possibly have, our ashes scattered together? That's pretty much what I expect from my future." I laughed darkly.

Teagan just looked at me a moment. His eyes looked sad. "Maybe it won't work out that way, Lucy. Maybe you'll both survive. Then what?"

"Then there will be two very surprised Grey Wardens in the world." I sighed and threw up my hands. "I don't let my thoughts stray too far into the future. I'm still taking it as it comes. I'm just grateful that we can find some comfort in one another. It helps me to forget and he makes me stronger to face what is ahead."

Teagan joined me at the window and put his hand on my jaw and then folded me into a hug. It went on a little longer than it should, until I cleared my throat.

"Sorry," he said, letting go of me. "I was remembering... everything, actually. If you want to share a room with Riordan, please feel free."

I nodded my thanks. "It won't offend Isolde? Is she even here?"

He laughed, "No, I'm relieved to say she's not. I gave her my home in Denerim and she is living there."

I judged it was harmless enough to mention it. "You know, she tried to poison me once." I laughed. "It is rather funny, in retrospect, although I thought I was going to die that day."

Teagan's mouth dropped open. "That day... when you asked her about the tea? It was then, wasn't it?"

I nodded. "Fortunately Zevran had an antidote, but I was pretty sick for a while."

"Maker's breath, why didn't you tell me? I would have thrown her into the dungeon."

I sighed. "At the time I thought she'd be useful if she were just really frightened of me. I confronted her about the poisoning and told her I'd better not find out she was bad mouthing me to your brother, or I'd retaliate."

"Ah, that explains her change of attitude after that day." Teagan laughed heartily. "She got a lot nicer to everyone, even the servants."

I grinned. "Good! I was hoping some good came of that."

Teagan smiled at me again. "I'd better go. Dinner will be ready soon. See you there." He picked up my hand and kissed it gently with one last long look into my eyes.

I watched him leave, remembering everything we had shared. I sighed, knowing I would feel a tug of longing every time I saw him. I had a feeling he would too.

~o~o~o~

We didn't stay long. Just one more day; long enough to reprovision and get our laundry done. Then we headed off toward the Korcari Wilds. I had finally gotten Alistair and Riordan to agree that we should handle Morrigan's problem with her mother. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle to win that argument so I'd been preparing for it. I talked it over with Riordan for several nights. I found him very amenable to my suggestions when I whispered them into his ear and nibbled on his earlobe.

Once I had Riordan's agreement, Alistair would almost certainly fall into line. Although it was Morrigan, and he still didn't like her at all, so it took some convincing. In the end he agreed, but only if we went to Ostagar and looked around for Duncan's remains. I felt a chill thinking about seeing Ostagar again. There were so many memories there of my first days in Thedas. I wondered if we might find remnants of our friends. I thought perhaps I could find Bendrick's staff. That thought brought a flood of memories back to me and I quietly contemplated them as we trudged south.

Before we got to Flemeth's house I had nearly perfected a new shapeshifter form: tigress. The first time I got it to work Morrigan looked very impressed.

"'Tis a majestic animal! Look at those enormous paws, I bet you can creep soundlessly when you want. You did this from memory?"

I chuffled (a sound tigers make as a greeting or to show contentment). I thought it would serve as _'yes'. _ I held up a paw and showed her my claws, popping them out of my foot to display them.

Morrigan laughed delightedly. "Look at those fearsome weapons! Lucy, I must learn this form from you. The only problem is, your color is ridiculous! What beast would be such a bright color and with those outrageous stripes?"

I snarled and changed back to explain. "The tiger is actually perfectly camouflaged in the jungles it is native to. Most animals can't differentiate between orange and green. The dark stripes break up the form of the animal. It's fine camouflage for them in the jungle."

That evening I showed our companions what I could do. They were quite impressed. Sten in particular seemed taken with it.

"That is a nimr; an animal sacred to the Qunari. You would be slain instantly if anyone knew you were a mage disguising yourself as a nimr." Despite his disapproving words he looked excited to see a _nimr_ in person. I had a feeling he'd probably never seen a live one.

I roared at him and a big grin grew on his face and he roared back. We carried on roaring at one another until Liam started barking in fury at both of us. I quieted down after that, not wishing to start a fight with my mabari, and padded over to the firepit and lay down, absorbing the warmth of the fire on my belly. Now I understood all those hours my cat luxuriated in sunshine, following the sun beams as they moved across the floor during the day. The heat was wonderful.

Zevran sat beside me and pulled my head into his lap and scratched my neck. I chuffled contentedly. He bent down next to me and whispered in my ear. "What would it take to convince you to spend the night with me like this? These nights are awfully cold and you, cara, are very warm."

I grabbed Zevran's face between my paws, nails retracted of course, and licked him on the face. He lit up with such delight like I'd never seen. I wondered if perhaps he'd never had a pet to bond to. _Maybe, after this were all over, I would get Zevran a pet. What would he like: a cat, a dog, perhaps a bird? _I caught myself thinking of the future again and pulled myself back. _Don't go there, _I warned myself.

He grabbed my head and tried to wrestle me away from his face, but I was stronger than he was like this. I kept licking at his face until he started to laugh. "Stop! Stop! Lucy!" he said between licks. "You've slimed me quite enough."

I chuffled and gave him one last lick for good measure. When he got up to go to his tent, I bit the back of his shirt and dragged him to ours. It was a bit crowded, a tiger sleeping between the two men, but it certainly was warm. The next day I was loathe to switch out of my tiger form, as it was comfortable and very warm, I loved being furry, but I remembered what happened to me when I was a horse for such a long time and I had no desire to start eating butterflies, or something even worse.

~o~o~o~

Morrigan stopped us a few miles away from her mother's hut.

"I should go no further, lest she possess me and take over my body." She looked uncharacteristically nervous.

I thought it might be a good time to ask some tactical questions. "So, what is likely to happen if we fight your mom? What sort of magic will she use?" It wouldn't hurt to be prepared.

Morrigan's nervousness intensified. "Well, she is, as I am; a shapeshifter. She will shift into some shape or another and fight you."

I nodded. "Well, that's a start. What sort of shape exactly?"

"Oh, you know..." Morrigan scuffed at the ground with the toe of her boot. "... giant spider, bear, perhaps a wolf..." her voice dropped low and she hurried past the next one "...dragon, unpleasantly large rodent, a giant snake..."

I blinked a moment processing what she said. "'Scuse me, did you say dragon?" My eyes glared at her. I'd already passed up one dragon, not wishing to fight one and find out – oops! – we lost that one. Oh dear, no Grey Wardens left in Thedas.

"Dragon-ish, dragon might be phrasing it too strongly." Morrigan harrumphed at me. "What? The mighty Grey Wardens can't slay an old, dragon-ish-y mage? Sten is right, the legends are overrated!"

"Morrigan!" I was fuming now. "What if we fail? There won't be _any_ Grey Wardens left in Ferelden and you, your mom, and everyone else, are going to very inconvenienced. Last I checked, our priority here was to fighting the Blight."

Morrigan's eyes got a crafty look that made my skin twitch. "Flemeth told you, did she not, that you would solve the Blight? You can hardly do that if you die fighting her, right? You're guaranteed success."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Yeah... if your mom is such an amazing seer, then surely she knows we're coming to kill her, right?"

Morrigan put her hands on her hips, her impatience with me obviously growing. "She's a seer, not omnipotent! Besides, I've laid wards. She cannot see anything about me or the people I am with." She huffed, blowing an errant strand of hair out of her eyes. "Are you such a coward that you will back down on your word to me?"

My mouth gaped open. "Coward? I am not a coward." _Right! Keep telling yourself that, someday you might believe it._ "I am... managing our risks as any prudent person would!" I threw up my hands and sighed. "Very well, we'll do this, but just exactly how do we fight a dragon?"

"You have two spells you know, ice and water. You can create a jet of cool water, should anyone catch on fire, with your silly bathing spell."

"Ha! Not so silly when you're on fire, I warrant." I waggled my finger at her. _Silly spell, indeed!_

She ignored my outburst. "Of course, you also know the ice spell that makes up part of your bathing spell. I suggest using that to slow her down and also extinguish fires. Then Wynne and you can heal anyone who is damaged." She bit her thumb, thinking. "'Tis a shame I haven't taught you a force field spell. It would be useful should she pick someone up in her mouth."

My voice went high and squeaky. "Pick someone up in her mouth? And bite them in two I presume?"

Morrigan scoffed. "No, of course not. You all wear armor. I doubt she can bite through that very effectively."

"You doubt? That's very reassuring." I paced nervously. I'd never been out of combat actually just casting spells like Wynne and Morrigan. "Shouldn't I have a robe and a staff if I'm going to play the part of a mage?"

Morrigan frowned at me. "You're not playing a part, Lucy, you _are_ a mage. It's time you started to do something useful with this gift rather than being a pack animal and an over-sized bed warmer."

I started to say something defensively but then realized she'd just complimented me in a very left-handed manner.

"A robe with sufficient enchantments and a staff would be useful," she continued. "What do we have available?"

I rifled through the cart with our belongings and showed her what we had. None of it looked promising. I started sneezing and pulled out a robe. It's last owner must have been a darkspawn.

"Darkspawn trash." She bit her lip. "We're of a size, you could wear my robe and I suppose my staff would work for you." She got a fierce look in her eye. "Mind you, don't you get it scorched!"

I rolled my eyes. "I'll ask your mom to exempt me from her wrath. But I thank you, I'll wear your robe and wield your staff. Perhaps your mom is nearsighted and she'll think I'm you." I snickered at the thought.

"You really, really don't want that to happen, Lucy. Fortunately even if she were blind she could smell the other-world stink about you."

"Stink? Well thanks. Gosh, you sure know how to make me feel good." I raised an armpit and sniffed. If I had a stink, it wasn't there. I'd have to ask Riordan about it. I followed Morrigan into her tent and we switched clothes and came out to talk to the others.

Oghren looked absolutely befuddled. "Lucy?" he looked at Morrigan. "You changed your hair?"

"Oh for Pete's sake, Oghren, I'm Lucy! We just switched clothes!" Did we all really look alike to Oghren and he just distinguished us by our clothes?

Riordan was trying hard not to stare at my chest as he spoke. "Are you trying to fool her mother? Because you two really don't look anything alike."

Zevran made no such attempt to avert his eyes from my mostly bared chest. "Are we all switching clothes, then?"

Even Leliana was staring intently at my chest. I looked down thinking to see that I'd spilled something on myself or perhaps a boob had fallen out, but no, everything was exactly as it should be. Then when I looked over at Alistair and saw him staring as well I wavered between irritation and amusement. I settled on amusement and burst out laughing. "Oh come on! I think everyone has seen _the girls_ before. Urn of Sacred ashes... do we remember that? Well, except for Oghren. Oghren, meet the girls." I gestured at my chest.

Riordan laughed. "Well, now that you've gotten that off your chest, perhaps you could explain why you and Morrigan swapped clothes."

I squinted at Riordan. "Very funny, wise-guy. Look, we switched clothes because Morrigan can't go with us and she pointed out it might be better if I were to do what I can as a mage, rather than as a fighter. My fire quenching abilities might be useful."

Alistair folded his arms. "And why is that?"

I sensed growing opposition. "Well, you see, it seems that Morrigan's mum is likely to become a dragon-ish-y creature that breathes fire and such." I looked over at Morrigan and she nodded.

"I would suggest avoiding her tail, I've seen her knock down trees with it," Morrigan added helpfully. "Small trees, though."

I grimaced at that new information. "Her mouth is kind of bad too. Fire tends to come out of it. But hey! That's why I'm dressed like this with one of these." I brandished Morrigan's staff and squirted a fat stream of water out of my free hand.

Wynne snorted. "That puts my mind to rest."

"I look at it like this, we're going to be fighting the biggest-ass dragon in existence someday soon. This is a warm-up! We're going to learn a lot today." _If we don't all die._

Riordan nodded. "I suppose that's one way to look at it. Well, let's go. We have a dragon-ish-y thing to kill."

"Um, Danny, can I talk to you privately for a moment." I walked over to him and we walked off a bit from the others. "I think you shouldn't go..."

"Lucy! What? Of course I'm going," he glared at me.

"Look, there's only three of us left. If something should happen to Alistair and I then who will kill the archdemon?"

"If I come with you, the odds are better we all survive this." Riordan's eyes looked determined and his jaw set stubbornly.

I decided to try my own set of tactics. My bottom lip trembled and I made my eyes look sad. "Danny... it's too risky for us all to go."

"Then _you _stay behind." He smiled at me. "That face won't work."

"I can't, Danny. I'm going to have to extinguish fires and help Wynne heal." I gave up on the sad orphan look. "Alistair has to attract her attention and be the hard, uncrunchable object she wastes her time with while all of us squishier folks actually kill her."

"No, Lucy. I am going. We are a team. You are actually right about one thing, fighting this dragon will be a good test for the archdemon." He smiled. "Besides, I want to look at you in that robe every minute I can." He growled playfully. "You're such a luscious apostate."

I threw up my hands. "I give up. I just have a bad feeling about this."

He laughed. "Don't be so gloomy, Lucy. Everything will turn out all right. And when it does, you're going to need to get your own robe and staff and I'm going to borrow Alistair's templar armor. Then I'm going to hunt you down!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh god, I hope you're right."

He pulled me close for a quick kiss, his eyes crinkling at the sides. "Of course I am, _apostate_."

~o~o~o~

I think Morrigan had been right, Flemeth didn't know we were coming. She tried to hide it, but I think she was surprised, and seeing me dressed in her daughter's clothes confused her.

"This changes all," she cursed. "You have zigged, instead of zagging. What was once to be is now not to be. All I have foreseen is amiss, you foolish woman! By being here now you are risking everything."

"Right," I said, dryly, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Of course you'd say that."

"What have you done with my daughter," she asked me suspiciously.

"She's fine, we just swapped outfits for the day." I watched Flemeth's wrinkles draw into a frown. "Look, I'll be frank with you. She knows you're going to try to possess her and we've come to kill you on her behalf." I kept my tone matter-of-fact. "Alistair..." I hissed quietly, "a preemptive strike might be useful."

Flemeth laughed. "His templar training will do him no good against me, foolish woman!" Her voice grew sly and cajoling, "Look, Morrigan wants me dead. Take my grimoire and give it to her, tell her I am slain."

"No, sorry. I don't wish to risk finding out Morrigan is not Morrigan when we need her."

"Very well. It is a dance poor Flemeth knows well. Let us see if she remembers the steps. Come! She will earn what she takes. I will have it no other way." She walked leisurely to the side of her building, upon a little hillock, and then she glowed white and turned into a big ass dragon.

"Dragon-ish-y..." I muttered, "my ass."

Alistair bellowed and run up the hillock to meet her and Riordan followed behind as did Sten and Oghren. Wynne, Zevran, Leliana and I arrayed ourselves in a large semi-circle around the rise. Zevran was a fair shot and it would be too crowded with another meleer. We had discussed that staying spread apart would reduce the number of people getting hit by flames. Almost immediately she lashed out with her tail; Riordan jumped over it neatly but it crashed into Sten. His massive bulk kept him upright; however, he did stagger with the blow.

Alistair battered her with his shield and got her angry. She spit a gout of fire at him which he partly deflected with his shield, but I could see it was burning him. I cast a thick stream of icy water at him and the steam rising from his armor told me I had been successful.

The battle was chaotic. Riordan did get swiped by the tail and was thrown further than I could have imagined. Wynne immediately healed his wounds and he was on his feet again. I hoped he would stay at the midsection of the dragon this time. Alistair took the brunt of the assault and Flemeth even did snatch him up in her enormous jaws and whipped him around, tossing him up into the air like a playful puppy with its toy. I was terrified she'd swallow him whole, or snap him in half, but eventually she flung him away and turned on Riordan.

"Oh god, no." I whispered. He was wearing only leather armor. Surely he couldn't survive that sort of assault. I watched in horror as Flemeth drew in a deep breath and expelled another column of flame. He did a quick somersault under the flame and landed safely far from her breath. Oghren was not so lucky, but I quenched him before his beard was barely scorched.

It wasn't long before Flemeth realized the source of her problem was me. I was putting out her breaths just as soon as they landed. She turned to me, her enormous mouth gaping open, just feet in front of me. The mouth of a big-ass dragon is a terrible thing to have in front of you. First of all, their dental hygiene leaves much to be desired. There are bits of meat putrefying between their teeth, and there is a terrible sulfurous smell, not to mention the waves of scorching heat. Elissa's instincts took over and I dove to the side as her mouth snapped at the spot where I had stood a moment before. I rolled and gained my feet quickly. _Sweet Maker, _I implored the guy rumored to have long ago left the building, _if we can just survive this I will devote myself to your cause. I will join the Chantry and abstain from sex. I promise!_

Flemeth's mouth darted down to where I was now standing. If she took me head first, it would just be a head snap and a swallow and I would be sliding down her throat like a raw oyster. I dove again, but this time she anticipated my movement and she caught me by a leg, one of her immense fangs impaling my thigh as she whipped her head back and forth, trying to break my spine. I clung for dear life to another one of her fangs so I wouldn't be shaken to death, but the wound in my leg was bad and I was bleeding profusely; perhaps she had bitten into an artery. I began to feel everything dim about me and my hands were starting to slip off the fang.

My last sight was of Riordan's face, a mask of fury and rage, holding his dagger between his teeth like a pirate as he clung to Flemeth's whipping neck with his knees. I could see him struggling to lift something on the back of her head, a scale located right over where her brain might be.

"Hang on, Lucy!" he shouted at me. "DO NOT LET GO!"

I clung to her fang by my hands and arms, with the last of my strength.

Riordan took the dagger out of his mouth, holding the scale open somehow with his knees, and plunged it downward.

_Good luck with that, _I thought. _Could he drive a dagger through a dragon's skull?_ Then I could think nothing more as the blackness overtook me and my hands let go of the tooth.

~o~o~o~

_My thanks for the reviews! They're like little presents my dear readers send me and I treasure each one. My thanks too to my wonderful beta-reader, Biff McLaughlin, who knows better than me the ways of wily punctuation mark._


	45. Where Wolves?

_**Where Wolves? **_

_**Summary of prior chapter: **__The party left Orzammar, made a brief stop in Redcliffe for supplies and such, and learned that Teagan was engaged to Kaitlyn. From there they headed to Flemeth's hut, killed her and Lucy's last memory was of Riordan trying to stab his dagger through the dragon's skull. _

_~o~o~o~_

The sense of déjà vu was overwhelming when I swam back into consciousness: this bed... that bookshelf... Morrigan browsing through the books.

"Ah, your eyes finally open! Your friends will be pleased." Morrigan said.

I sat up, but the cost of sitting left my head spinning dizzily. I was even stripped down to my small clothes again. "Wait. Wait. We've done this before haven't we?"

Morrigan laughed. "We have indeed. Come, you should get dressed, your Riordan is beside himself with worry."

"Okay, just stop that, you're freaking me out." The similarity between this day and the day her mother rescued us from Ostagar was sending chills up my spine. "I take it we won? Your mom is dead?"

Morrigan nodded. "Indeed she is, though you nearly died with her. That clucking hen, Wynne, fixed you up, although you'll be weak for some time due to blood loss. My robe was a mess, by the way." She sighed and crossed her arms. "Oh, never mind that. I thank you for killing her." She pulled a book out and showed it to me. "And here is her _real _grimoire!"

I smiled wearily. That was probably the most heartfelt thanks Morrigan had ever granted anyone. I collapsed back into the bed with a sigh.

Morrigan looked at me. "You're still too weak to get up, it seems. I'll send him in to you." She disappeared from the hut and I shut my eyes for just a moment and when I opened them Riordan was sitting next to me on the bed. I saw relief on his face.

"Thank the Maker, you're all right." He bent over me and kissed my forehead.

"Is everyone else all right?" I asked. "What happened there at the end? I saw you stab her."

Riordan smiled and whispered conspiratorially, "I used blood magic and I was able to stab through her skull." Then he shuddered and his face looked pained. "You dangled in her mouth for a moment until her head crashed to the ground. I thought..." He closed his eyes a moment, then put a hand softly on my cheek. "Lucy, if I hadn't come with you..." He left the thought unfinished but the look on his face was one of anguish.

I smiled a little. "I'm glad you didn't listen to me, Danny." I wrapped a hand in his hair. "I'm very cold and very tired. From the blood loss, I think. I need your body heat."

He shucked off his armor and got into bed next to me and cradled me in his arms.

"I have to quit the Grey Wardens, give up sex, and join the Chantry. I sort of promised the Maker I'd do that if we survived." I murmured.

"I'm sure he's used to your empty promises by now." Riordan nuzzled my hair. "Go to sleep, Lucy."

"Thank you, Danny." I yawned. "Thanks for saving my life." I snuggled into him, finally warming up, and fell into a very deep sleep.

~o~o~o~

The next day I could get up although I tired quickly. I looked at my thigh, looking for a hint that a big-ass dragon had used me as a dental floss, but there wasn't even a scar. No one was ever going to believe I had fought darkspawn, dragons, assassins, bandits and all kinds of other things because there wasn't a scar on my body. Even though I had been shot, slashed, cut, pierced and god knows what there was no indication of that on my body. Magic was a good thing to have around if you were vain about such things. But truthfully, I wouldn't have minded a few scars; things I could point to with pride and say, "Yep, got that in the 'norn (Bannorn) in thirty Dragon. Impaled on a dragon's tooth."

We waited another day at Flemeth's hut for me to regain my strength and Wynne made me drink some foul potion so I could replace my missing blood. On the following day I was finally feeling good enough to go to Ostagar. I had suggested that perhaps Sten, Oghren and Morrigan should go back to the cart and stay with it until we returned. Danny tried to convince me to go with them but I refused. As painful as it would be, I wasn't going to miss returning to Ostagar and to the memories awaiting me there.

~o~o~o~

What did we find? Evidence that Loghain was not entirely paranoid about Cailan's involvement with Orlais. Evidence that Eamon was trying to convince Cailan to put aside his queen for someone more fertile. I was lost in thought for a moment, remembering that day when Cailan had kissed me before the battle that claimed his life.

"_When this is over, Elissa, we must speak about the future." _He had shone like a golden coin: handsome, perfect, and incredibly stupid.

Riordan waved a hand in front of my face waking me from my reverie. I couldn't speak of it; it would sound insane to say, _"I think the King might have asked me to marry him."_ Even thinking the words made me burst out laughing, it was just that crazy. But was it? Outside of Anora, Elissa was probably the most appropriate match for him in Ferelden and he seemed to be rather keen on me. Of course, he didn't realize as a Grey Warden I was mostly infertile, so that would have derailed his interest in me as breeding stock, at any rate. But me...Queen of Ferelden? I almost cried I was laughing so hard.

Everyone turned to look at me, waiting for an explanation for my sudden, very inappropriate, laughter. The only person who might even remotely believe me was Alistair. I could tell him later. "It's nothing... just some forgotten words remembered." I wiped my eyes dry and put the letters in my pack. I could decide later whether to share them with Loghain.

We crunched through the snow and the broken, trashy remains of Ostagar. It was bitterly cold so we bundled up in the warm clothes Loghain had sent with us to brave the Frostback Mountains. We Wardens went to the Grey Warden camp together. I got a huge lump in my throat at the broken, overturned trestle table where we had dined. I heard echoes of riotous laughter over my immense appetite and the warmth and good humor of the other Grey Wardens I'd known so briefly. Over there was where Duncan's tent had stood, where I'd been tied up and questioned when I was convinced I was having an erotic dream. It seemed almost a lifetime ago, but really it had only been six months. I had been such a noob and Bendrick had been so encouraging and helpful. I remembered how quickly I had come to love him and how the pain of losing him had felt. I remembered the little silvered mirror he gave me on that last day. I still carry it in my backpack.

I looked at Alistair and saw his eyes were filling with tears too. I stumbled into his arms and cried, my tears freezing on his armor. I could hear him sniffing too. If we were this messed up at the old camp, I wasn't sure how we would manage to confront the remains of the battle. Not that the darkspawn would give us much time to reflect on our sorrow. They always seemed to attack when our hearts were heaviest. I welcomed their attacks; I did not want to revisit this old sorrow.

We found Cailan's rather well-preserved body affixed to a wooden X, in a Christ-like crucifixion pose. It gave me the chills to see it. If darkspawn are so stupid, how would they understand the symbolism of displaying our dead leader in such a way? Somehow his body had been exempt from decay and it wasn't until after we found the darkspawn necromancer that I guessed as to why. They had preserved him.

We found some darkspawn wearing Cailan's armor, which we reclaimed. We also found Duncan's sword and dagger. I gave them to Riordan, since they had been friends. Wynne recalled where she had seen Bendrick fall and I found his staff. At least, I assumed it was. I couldn't recall exactly what it had looked like, I suppose I had been too absorbed at gazing into his eyes at the time.

After we finished exploring the Tower of Ishal and dealing with the remaining darkspawn, we took down Cailan's body and built a pyre and I lit it with my magic. At least he would have a proper Ferelden send off.

We slogged through the snow back to camp and we three Wardens sat together to eat dinner and talked quietly about our memories of the deceased. Later, when we were in our tent, I told Riordan about Bendrick and my first two insane days as a Grey Warden and my difficulties with the King and Loghain. I alternated between laughing and crying as I looked back. Riordan laughed with me or comforted me.

I vowed that if there was anything, _anything_, I could do, I would make sure I would not lose Riordan like I had Bendrick. There must be some way to kill the archdemon where a Grey Warden would not have to die.

_~o~o~o~_

From Ostagar we went through the Brecilian Passage toward the Brecilian Forest where the Dalish were rumored to be. I was spending a lot of time musing about the archdemon.

"Danny?" I ran to catch up with him; he was walking at the front of our procession. "I have some questions."

He looked at me suspiciously, I think mentally preparing himself for an onslaught. "About what?"

"Archie." I was feeling a bit saucy.

"Who is Archie?" He fell neatly into my trap.

"The archdemon, of course. He needed a nickname. His real name is far too difficult to pronounce."

Riordan sighed. "Very well, what do you want to know about Archie?"

"Everything really. Would he be likely to attack the capital city first? Or would he choose to fly around and raze the countryside first?"

Riordan shrugged. "It could go either way. In the past archdemons have attacked population centers or destroyed the country's agricultural lands first. Seeing as they're old gods, they're not exactly stupid. Destroying the food production of a country can be a good strategy. Those you don't kill will starve. Of course, if you can't feed an army, you won't have an army."

Something struck me as very odd. "Danny, if Archie is this huge-ass dragon, how does he get out of the Deep Roads? In all the time we were stomping around down there, I didn't see any exists. Where is there an exit big enough for him to squeeze his ass out of?"

Riordan shook his head. "I don't know, but I suspect they might tunnel their way out. That's how they find the old god in the first place. They tunnel in to them."

"Tunneling? How can they tunnel so quickly? Do they dissolve rock somehow?" I scratched my scalp and thought. "They had that tunnel under the Tower of Ishal..."

"I think they do it through sheer numbers. They're like an enormous colony of ants willing to lay down their lives to achieve the colony's goals. They probably hammer at the rock until they collapse and are replaced by a fresh worker."

I nodded and walked on, thinking it all over. How could we possibly be alerted to where the archdemon is in time to mobilize against it? What I would give for some cell phones and satellite surveillance. A few archdemon-seeking missiles, too, while we're at it. Even short-wave radio would be nice... We didn't have that though. We had mages, horses, and ships. I wondered if they had carrier pigeons. Something else I'd have to find out. If only we could fly about on griffons... Wait! Fly? I can fly.

I looked at Riordan excitedly. "What if we could teach enough mages how shape-shift into birds and station them around Ferelden? We could have an early-warning system in place for detecting the archdemon!"

He nodded and half-smiled. "That sounds like a good idea. You should certainly propose that. If the Chantry allows it, it would be very useful."

"Stupid Chantry," I mumbled. "If they don't I think we should let the archdemon devour them." I walked along further thinking. "How do you fight the archdemon if it's just flying around and breathing that purple stuff on things and destroying them? Ballistae?"

"In other Blights ballistae have been used to bring it down. It's hard to be very accurate or fast enough. The bolts have to hit the wings and do enough damage so the dragon can't fly. Even though the wings are relatively easier to damage, they're still incredibly tough."

My mind was churning. I couldn't get the idea of a missile out of my mind. "What if there were an explosive in the bolt? Maybe one could rip a good sized hole in the wing. Do you even have explosives?"

Riordan scratched his scruff. "The dwarves do. They're rather well known for blowing things up."

I nearly started to dance with excitement. "That's it then! We need them to design us ballistae and bolts that explode on impact! Maybe even one with multiple rounds! Perhaps there's a spell we can find that would give it extra accuracy."

Riordan looked at me dubiously. "That sounds very chancy."

I snorted. "What else are we going to do? How would you ground something that big?"

"In past Blights people would go to a tall place and wait for him to pass by then jump on his back and try to injure him enough to force him down." Riordan looked off into the distance, avoiding eye contact with me.

I boggled. "You've got to be kidding me? That's just insane. Who would do that?"

Riordan looked at me with a small smile.

"Ha, ha, ha! You're having me on." I looked over at him and he shook his head. "No. Just no!" I sliced through the air with my hand, cutting that notion off at the knees. "You have far too much testosterone for your own good. We're going to use our heads for this and prepare. This is not some sort of goddamn rodeo and you are not a cowboy wrangling archdemons." I was furious.

Alistair heard my heated words and fell back to see what we were arguing over. "What's up?" He looked between us, looking rather puzzled.

I pointed at Riordan. "He seems to think the proper way to bring down the archdemon is to jump on it from a high place while it's flying around! What if he misses? Or falls off?"

Alistair looked at Riordan. "Well, it does sound rather risky, but if that's what it takes, then that is what it takes, Lucy."

I sighed. "We have other options. I will find them." I stomped off to talk to Morrigan. It was definitely time to consider how to prepare. We need a communication system, some way to ground the archdemon and, finally, some way not to die when we killed it.

~o~o~o~

The roads were more like trails through the Brecilian Passage and it was difficult going with the ox cart. It took us almost three weeks to find the Dalish, or for them to find us. They silently surrounded us and ordered us to stop, their bows trained on us all.

"Hail and well-met!" I said. I was impressed with the Dalish. They looked quite feral with the facial tattoos, and the women had very cute armor with the midriff exposed. It did seem rather impractical and I knew exactly where I'd be thrusting my knife if we fought, but at least it wasn't a chain mail bikini. They seemed quite suspicious of us, which was probably prudent, considering what humans tended to do to elves.

"We are Grey Wardens, and our traveling companions, and we seek to meet your leader." I spoke loudly and slowly, in case they were not fluent in the Common Tongue. Judging by the snippy replies they had full mastery of the language, so I lowered my voice.

They disarmed us of at least our visible weapons and we walked into their camp with their bows still pointed right at us. I seriously hoped none of them twitched or stumbled and accidentally let an arrow fly. It seemed like a fragile détente at best and an arrow flying into one of us was likely to cause a misunderstanding.

Their leader, who we learned is called a keeper, was named Zathrian. We told him of our treaty and explained the danger to all Ferelden but he was of little help. He explained that the werewolves had decimated his clan and showed us how many lay sick and in terrible pain, caused by the bite of a werewolf. The only thing that could help them was if the source of the curse was killed and perhaps then he could honor the treaty.

I sent a look to Alistair and Riordan. This had become all too familiar. The same scenario had played out in Kinloch Hold and Orzammar. We had some seemingly impossible task to accomplish before we would be given what we have asked for. _Yada, yada, yada... save us Obi wan Kenobe!_ I sighed heavily and volunteered to fix their problem with the werewolves.

~o~o~o~

In a forest haunted by spirits, powerful undead, sentient trees, werewolves and insane mages, the thing that was burnt into my memory was meeting a woman who had been bitten by a werewolf and was transforming into one herself. She asked us to deliver her last message to her husband and begged us to kill her. _To kill her!_ Surely there was something we could do. She just needed to hang on a little while longer. We would find the source of the curse and end it. But there were no solutions she would hear other than to be ended.

What she asked of me... to end her life, I couldn't do it, but her agony was obvious. I couldn't even give her a painless euthanasia like we would have given the least of our pets. It tore me into pieces. I couldn't comprehend either path... leave her in pain to suffer or kill her painfully, with a dagger thrust to her middle. I was frozen in indecision, locked in an internal debate that neither side could win, when Alistair drew his sword and ended her life. She thanked him as her life ebbed and I could only stare in disbelief that life could be _that _cruel.

I sat down in the dirt and refused to go on. My mind simply wouldn't let me encounter any other horrors. This was enough. I ignored the voices talking to me. I slapped away the hands that tried to pick me up. I don't really know exactly what my plan was, but I just couldn't see something like this again. The babble around me died away and I only heard a boot scuffing the ground and a warm gentle hand on my shoulder. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder.

"I warned you life was ugly here." His lilting accent was soothing. "Mia cara, have you lived in a cocoon all your life where no one suffered?"

I shook my head. "No." I'd seen plenty of suffering, but not like this. Nothing like this. Perhaps I had lived in a cocoon. All the unpleasant parts of life had been a safe distance away. Places where people suffered enough to welcome death lay across oceans. They were far enough away that they never felt real. Their pain was distant and I was far removed. My prior existence had not prepared me to have in front of my face. To have an innocent beg me for a merciful death... it nearly broke me. I had seen plenty of death and suffering since coming here, but this was different. I couldn't cope.

"Come on, mia cara." The assassin's voice was gentle, coaxing me to continue on.

Ironic isn't it? Of anyone, he should be the least likely to understand what I was feeling. Ending life was his business; surely something like this... he must be laughing at me.

"We must pretend now. Pretend that the life ended was a better thing that having it continue. You can do that, no?"

Maybe he did understand. There must have been a time when doing something like this was a horror to him. He had gotten past it somehow.

I could pretend. So I got up and walked and pretended that killing that woman was the best thing, the right thing. I couldn't offer anything to Alistair who had actually been the one to do it, but Riordan was reassuring him. Zevran's presence near me and his soothing chatter kept me going and later that day I was finally able to shake the coldness in my middle. I started to feel interest in what was going on around me again and by the end of the day I was myself again.

Zevran was right. The way to get past it is to pretend. Several of our companions tried to get me to talk about it but I refused to discuss it. I couldn't go back to that moment if I was going to maintain the illusion I needed to go on.

~o~o~o~

After killing Flemeth, Morrigan pestered me endlessly about learning more magic. "Your playing about with little knives is amusing, but you'll be far more effective with magic. It's time you developed this talent further, Lucy. Besides, there are things in Flemeth's grimoire that you might be interested in for your coming battle with the archdemon. I heard you talking to Riordan about shooting down the archdemon, there are spells and runes for accuracy."

She hooked me with that. I was sold. I turned in my leather armor and daggers, with regret, for a decent mage's robe and Bendrick's staff. The staff, I reasoned, could still be used as a decent weapon if my magic failed me. I had some training in it in martial arts and with Elissa's instincts, I bet I could do reasonably well with it.

The robe wasn't quite as sexy as Morrigan's, still it was cut rather low and had a pretty fur trim. It was also a bit on the short side, which Riordan rather liked. I wasn't about to trade in my well broken-in boots for some little slippers, so I wore the short little robe with my boots. Leliana was horrified by my footwear and everyone else had a good laugh, including myself, but it was far more practical. When you get to be my age, sometimes vanity takes a backseat to practicality.

We followed the werewolves into an old ruin and discovered their lair. It was an interesting old place, built by ancient elves before all the mess happened with humans. It was here where I ran into an ancient spirit trapped inside a vial. I touched it and found a presence within that begged for release of its spirit. I granted it the freedom it requested and, in return, it gave me knowledge of something I found very interesting: a way to merge my abilities as a fighter with my magic.

It was very strange to have a bunch of knowledge just downloaded into your brain. I momentarily felt disconnected from reality and when I regained my sense, I was suddenly... a warrior-mage.

Much to Riordan's regret, I abandoned the mage robes and put back on my leather armor and reequipped my blades, but I also carried the staff. I had become fond of having a piece of Bendrick's life with me.

Our exploration of the ruins finally led us to the werewolf lair. As it always seems to be the case, the people we were helping hadn't quite told us everything. A woody looking lady that the werewolves called _The Lady of the Forest, _explained to us that the werewolf curse was one laid down by Zathrian hundreds of years previously. The incredibly old fart was too stubborn to lift the curse even though it was causing the deaths of his own people.

Zathrian found us in the ruins and we had a _chat._ I was trying hard not to be sarcastic and angry but I did finally talk him into removing the curse. Apparently the curse was the only thing keeping him alive because he died and the Lady disappeared in a swirl of leaves. The werewolves were released from their curse and became humans with very odd looking eyes.

"This place is trippy." I commented to Riordan. "Let's hope the elves will believe us when we tell them why their keeper is dead." The elves were rather prickly folk, not that I blamed them for it. The humans in Thedas had been complete assholes.

We carried his body back to the Dalish camp and explained to the keeper's apprentice, Lanaya, exactly why the Big Z was looking so relaxed, while a score of elves pointed their arrows at us again. Lanaya seemed to take it in stride and she ordered the elves to back down. Of course, this meant she got a big promotion with him gone. In a place where people might live hundreds of years, it could be a long, long time before your mentor retired. Whatever the reason, she seemed to like us and agreed to send elves to help fight the Blight.

We were preparing to leave, after stocking up on herbs, especially the ones I needed for my darkspawn allergies, Lanaya pulled me aside.

"Warden, might I have a moment?"

"Of course, Keeper." I rather liked her. She was about the only elf who seemed genuinely polite. The rest had, at best, a thinly disguised vein of distrust and, at worst, an open hostility.

She placed her hand on my arm and concentrated for a moment. "You're not..."

"...from here?" I finished the sentence for her. "No. I come from another world. I was brought here, without my consent, by a witch named Flemeth."

Lanaya's mouth gaped open. "The Woman of Many Years brought you here. Why?"

"She told me, whether it is true or not I don't know, that I would be crucial to defeating the Blight." I sighed. "Frankly, I think she was crackers."

Layana looked at me and tilted her head. "Perhaps not, Warden. I sense that you know things that could change the destiny of Ferelden, perhaps even all of Thedas." She paused a moment, as if considering whether to continue or not. "Whether this is a good thing for my people, or not, I don't know."

The hair on the back of my neck prickled. There was just the slightest hint of menace in her voice. Perhaps she thought I would be a threat to her people somehow. I put a reassuring hand on her arm. "Trust me, Lanaya. I despise what humans have done to the elves and if it is within my power at all, I will do whatever I can to change that."

She smiled. "I do believe you. Perhaps that is the change I sense. Please, call upon me if there is anything further you need."

I gripped her hand warmly with my own. "I will. For now, though, we must handle this Blight."

We left the Dalish behind and that night, when we made camp, we celebrated. We had finished raising our allies. We were in a much better position to fight the archdemon, whenever it decided to show up. However, there was still much I needed to do before we were truly ready. I hoped the archdemon would give us a little breathing room to prepare.

~o~o~o~

_Thanks for the reviews! They make my day. I'd love any feedback you might have. I've got to work out a few plot details so my next update might take awhile unless the Inspiration Fairy comes to visit me. I have a few interesting plot things coming up, but there are a few sticky points getting from here to there._

_My thanks to my lovely beta-reader, Biff!_


	46. Ferelden's Best Weapon: A Tree in a Tub

_**Prior Chapter Summary: **__Lucy wakes up from having been a piece of meat stuck between Flemeth's teeth. We find interesting letters at Ostagar, as well as mementos of lost friends and loves. Lucy begins to think about how to bring down a giant dragon. They find the Dalish elves and Lanaya is promoted when her mentor dies. Lucy experiences how tragic life can be in Thedas when an elf transforming into a werewolf begs to be slain and Zevran gives her the secret of getting beyond it: Pretend it is all right. Lucy discovers the way of the Arcane Warrior: ancient magic long forgotten. Lanaya tells Lucy her presence will change Ferelden somehow._

**Tree in a Bathtub**

We pushed hard the last few days. Denerim had beds, hot meals, warm baths, and laundry service! I had been grateful for the cart of preserved food, but it had become tedious. We hadn't done laundry in quite some time. We were coated in dirt, tired, and some of us didn't smell very fresh. I was looking forward to seeing the Grey Warden compound, even though I realized I'd never been there. We were drawing looks as we entered Denerim. A rag-tag band of heavily armed, dirty, smelly people walking into the capitol is always likely to draw looks. Wynne had been riding in the cart the last few days; our pace was just too much for her. Morrigan and Alistair were snipping at one another yet again and even the perpetually cheerful assassin was grumpy.

"Take a picture, it lasts longer." I growled at some old lady who was staring rudely at me, realizing belatedly she had no idea what I was saying. I just wanted to get to the Grey Warden compound and take a long, hot soak and change into fresh clothes. But that was a problem; I had absolutely nothing that wasn't entirely filthy to wear.

My hygiene wasn't my only problem though. My other problem was my romantic entanglements with both Riordan and Loghain. I knew this would happen. I'd tried so hard to pretend the day wouldn't come when I would regret this and now Abigail was chuckling malevolently and thumping her holy book in my head. I swear, if I could excise a portion of my brain to get rid of her, I'd voluntarily undergo a lobotomy. Regardless of my rancor at my nagging conscience, I had to deal with it. I remembered our conversation of a few nights past when Riordan seemed to have read my mind as we drew closer to Denerim.

"Will you be glad to see Loghain?" he had asked me as we lay together in our cozy, if crowded, bedroll.

I sighed and kissed him on the collar bone. "No, actually. I'm dreading it."

He propped himself up on an elbow and looked at me. "Why?"

I knew where this was going, to that place neither of us could talk about: the future, whatever happened after the archdemon was dead, that place neither of us expected to see. I hadn't intended for this to happen, but I loved Riordan. I cared for Loghain too, but I loved Riordan. With Loghain, everything had been carefully orchestrated, almost scripted at times. There were no such pretenses between Danny and me, except for this discussion and those things we couldn't say. "It would be wrong to continue with him while you and I..."

He smiled briefly and cut off my reply with his lips on mine. His kiss was soft and ended with a nibble on my lower lip. It made me sigh with longing for him. "Speaking as a Grey Warden, Lucy, you shouldn't end your relationship with him. If you do, we might lose access to influencing how things go when we need it the most."

"Are you pimping me out to him purely for strategic purposes?" He was as bad as Duncan was! My feelings were hurt. A hint of jealousy from him would have gone a long ways.

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "Wasn't that the whole point of your seducing him in the first place?" He sounded puzzled.

"Well, yes, but..." Words began to dessert me because my brain was unable to reconcile my feelings with anything sounding remotely logical. I became suddenly interested in picking lint off the blanket. There was a lot of lint; it was an old woolen blanket.

"Then you got a little too attached to him, didn't you? You still are. You're concerned about what? Being unfaithful to him? Or to me?"

Riordan was skewering me with logic. Seducing Loghain for strategic purposes had been my idea from the start. I had thought the need for that was over now, but Riordan obviously thought differently. "All right, that's your Grey Warden perspective, but how do you feel about this as a man?"

He sighed and pulled me closer to him. "My instincts war with my better judgment. I would lock you away in a tower and fight to the death any man who came within a mile of you, except Zevran perhaps." He kissed me, his lips lingering on my forehead. "We both know the futility of those sorts of feelings, however."

I was touched by his words, caveman-ish though they were. "I'm really not the tower sort. It sounds like a rather dull existence." I sighed and ran my hand over his chest, feeling the body I'd grown so familiar with ever since Orzammar, almost six months ago. "Sometimes, Danny, I just want to be a woman, not a Grey Warden."

"Mmmm." He hummed in my ear. "You're always a woman, Lucy, even when you're a Grey Warden." He kissed my collar bone and then his hot mouth was on my breast and the conversation dissipated.

~o~o~o~

When we finally entered Denerim, I was ready to break into a run to the Grey Warden compound, our new home, and dive into a tub for a hot soak, but alas, it was not to be. We were halted by a guard.

"Elissa Cousland?" he asked. He looked me over closely.

I thought about lying. I really wanted that soak. "Um, yes?" _Damn it!_

"The Regent requires your presence immediately, my lady."

I groaned and mentally cursed him. "Can't I just have an hour or two to freshen up?"

The guard shook his head. "I'm sorry, my lady, our orders were to bring you immediately."

"All of us?" I asked. I was getting a little nervous. Had something happened?

"No, just you, my lady." The guard seemed polite but very insistent.

I shot a look at Riordan and Alistair and shrugged. Riordan looked a little concerned. Alistair did too. It reminded all of us a little too much of when Alistair had been arrested. "It's fine, I'm sure," I told them quietly.

I went with the guard with one backward glance at Riordan. His face was unreadable, expressionless. I wondered what he truly felt as I went to see Loghain. I could only imagine myself in his position; I would not be so stoic.

The guard took me to the palace and to a room where he knocked and I heard Loghain's voice say "Enter".

The guard bade me wait and went in to announce me. "Your lordship, Lady Cousland awaits you."

"Send her in."

The guard motioned for me to enter. I entered and made a formal bow, with arms crossed over my chest. There were several men sitting with Loghain around a table. I couldn't put names to the faces and none of them looked familiar. Hopefully they weren't people Elissa should know. They did look at me curiously, probably wondering how the dirty, grouchy looking woman rated a private audience with the Regent.

"Gentlemen, forgive me but we'll have to continue this meeting at another time." Loghain looked at me though he addressed the men in the room. The men all rose and bowed to Loghain, making their farewells. He very politely hurried their leave-taking and then shooed the guards and servants out of the room.

I tried to dismiss my irritation at being summoned when I dearly wanted a bath, a meal, and a long nap. I also tried to bury my misgivings about resuming a relationship with Loghain. I needed to put my mind back into that place it was in six months ago, when I had looked forward to our secretive assignations each night, and how we had sparred both verbally and sexually. There had been something about it – seducing a powerful man, one who could easily have destroyed me – that had been intoxicating, even aphrodisiacal. My sense of who this man was to me began creeping back. He was still that large, intimidating presence, with eyes like icebergs, whose repertoire of wordless grunts I'd only just begun to learn how to decipher when I had to leave him for nearly half a year.

What had changed between us was everything and nothing – everything, my affection for Riordan and the intimacy we'd shared for so many months – nothing, he was still the man the Grey Wardens needed to be sure of, he was still necessary to our success. So I had to reconnect with him, but it couldn't be an act. I was not that good of an actress.

"Your Grace," I said, as I dropped my backpack and curtseyed. I knew my formality would annoy him.

"Lucy... has it been that long that I'm _Your Grace _again?" He scowled at me and crossed the room to me. "For Maker's sake, woman, stand."

I peeked up from my curtsey with a smile on my face and then rose. "Just testing the waters. It has been six months and I didn't want to make any presumptions." I looked at him appraisingly. "You look well, Loghain. How have you been?"

He grunted and gave me a wary frown. "You were never one for small-talk before. You would have had me half undressed by now, six months ago."

I laughed quietly. "As I said, I don't want to make any presumptions. Six months is a long time. Perhaps you fancy someone else now." I mused for a moment. "I seem to recall that you usually greeted me with a passionate embrace and kiss."

A half smile quirked his lip. "I didn't want to presume. Perhaps your affections lie elsewhere now. Six months of marching, I can imagine you must have been lonely."

I closed the small remaining distance between us and put my hand on his upper arm. "I ached for you, Loghain." _I did manage a good four weeks of celibacy, surely that counts for something._ "Do you know that there was once a spell to dampen ardor and it was stricken from the mage's library by the Chantry, oddly enough. It would have been damned useful."

His smile warmed. "Then, if nothing has changed, this will not be unwelcome?" He reached out for me and pulled me to him gently and kissed me. He cocked his head and looked at me, awaiting my response.

I had shut my eyes and let myself go back in time, remembering his touch that was sometimes rough and soldierly, other times surprisingly soft and almost worshipful. This time it was the later. I slowly opened my eyes. "It is not unwelcome in the slightest."

He tightened his arm around me and kissed me again, this time with the rough passion I was more familiar with. My hands went to the back of his neck and to his jaw and I felt like I was falling backwards in time. Memories of those nights at the inn, at the palace in his bed, even our final night together, came flooding back. I responded with an intensity that surprised me. I wanted his bare chest under my hands again. I wanted to re-familiarize myself with the network of scars that etched his body, the way he smelled and tasted, and the way he would touch me. I shivered and pressed myself against him. There was nothing contrived about my sharp inhalation and low gasp of pleasure.

His fingers began working on the fasteners on my armor, but I put a hand on his to stop him. "No," I murmured. "I'm dirty and sweaty. We pushed hard these last few days and there was little time to bathe or clean our clothes."

He pushed my hands away. "There's nothing wrong with good, honest sweat, Lucy." My weapon belt fell to the floor. Then he took my gloves and bracers off. They fell to the floor with a clank. My arms were streaked where my sweat had rolled through the dirt. I let him attend me like a squire, unfastening my armor and setting it aside.

"You're wearing chain mail now." He commented. "I thought you preferred the lighter armor?"

"I learned some new tricks. And getting bitten through the thigh made me appreciate tougher armor." I raised my arms as he pulled my padded under shirt over my head. The rank smell of my clothes made me wonder how he could stand me like this. But Fereldans could be remarkably whiffy, few of them bathed anywhere nearly as frequently as I did. Fortunately my lovers had picked up my habit quickly.

"Bitten?" He unlaced my breeches and pulled them down. I stepped out of them.

"Thigh." I caught my breath as his hand skimmed up my thigh, looking for a scar he wouldn't find. "No scar. Healers." I was reduced to minimal language as his hand drifted up. I wouldn't tell him what exactly bit me; he could hear that story later... after.

He picked me up and carried me over to the couch in front of the fire and I was officially welcomed home.

~o~o~o~

"You were bitten by a what?" Loghain's post-coital mellow was replaced by disbelief, then anger.

"A dragon. Well, actually, Flemeth shapeshifted into a dragon. Either way, it was pretty nasty. I felt like a piece of meat stuck between her teeth. If Riordan hadn't... well, I don't think I'd have come back from that." I laughed and pointed at my thigh. "And look, not a scar on me. Amazing what healers can do."

"Lucy!" Loghain grasped me by my chin and put his face right in front of mine. His expression was furious. "Why would you do such a dangerous thing? What if all you Grey Wardens had died?"

I sighed. "I had promised Morrigan I'd help her with her mother, but I didn't realize she'd end up turning into a dragon. At least, not until it was too late to back out. Then I realized it would probably be a good warm-up for the archdemon." I shivered remembering that day. "I tried to talk Riordan out of coming. I'm glad he didn't listen to me."

"It's never too late to back out." He scowled at me. "There are only three of you left. Taking a chance like that is just foolish." His expression softened and he kissed me. "Don't do that again."

He sighed. "I suppose we'd better get dressed. Sooner or later someone is going to come looking for me."

"It's good to be back, Loghain." I kissed him. "I need to get settled into the Grey Warden compound and see to things. I'd like to give you a full report as soon as possible. I've also got some ideas we should discuss, but give me a day or two to get things in order."

I put on my dirty, odoriferous clothes and Loghain let me go but only after holding me to him closely and kissing me a few more times. It touched me. He'd missed me very much, that was obvious. More surprisingly, I found I had missed him more than I thought. Abigail started to kick up, but I mentally backhanded her and she sat in her rocking chair looking dejected with a black eye and a fat lip.

I went to the Grey Warden compound, exhausted and hungry. Everyone else had bathed and changed and they were all eating supper.

"Ah, Lucy! I wasn't sure if you'd be back in time for supper. We have some stew left." Leliana pointed to a pot on the wood stove. "I made it."

"Thanks, Leli." I filled up a bowl and ate quickly. I wanted my bath.

"How is the Regent?" Riordan asked.

Zevran smirked. "Quite good, if memory serves."

I rolled my eyes. "The Regent is fine. He's still our ally and we'll be reporting to him and Anora in a couple of days. I wanted some time to get things in order here and lay some plans." I looked around the kitchen. It seemed to be in reasonable order. The compound had been empty for nearly a year. "Leli, could you find us a couple of servants tomorrow? We should have a cook and someone to do cleaning."

Leliana nodded. "Only two servants? You might want to hire at least three. There are a lot of us to look after."

"I'll leave it up to you. I've got little experience with such things." We had ample money left after I had been sold as a horse to both Howe and the royal stables. I was glad Loghain hadn't ever demanded to get his money back, because there was no way in hell I was giving it back.

I finished bolting my supper. "Is there a room for me?" I asked.

Danny got up. "I'll show you the room we saved for you." He escorted me up a stairway to the second floor. There was a capacious bathing room and the room they'd left for me was actually fairly large.

"We saved the biggest room for you, since you're the senior Ferelden Warden."

I frowned. "I'm not. Alistair is and you're far more senior than I am. You should take this room." I laughed. "In my country we have a say: '_age before beauty_', so I think you have precedence."

Riordan sent me a look of mock pique. "If I recall correctly, madam, you are the eldest. Alistair doesn't want to be the senior Ferelden Warden, he abdicated in favor of you."

"Well, we could share the room. That would settle the matter most fairly." I looked at Riordan hopefully.

Riordan shook his head. "We'd best not. You wouldn't want Loghain to discover anything that might jeopardize our alliance and his willingness to listen to us. His discovering that we're sharing a room would be unfortunate."

My mouth fell open a little. "Weren't you the one who said I should have a second lover so I wouldn't get too attached to Loghain?" The pit of my stomach felt like it had just dropped down to my toes.

He took my hand and squeezed it. "You should pick up the routine you used to have. Didn't you spend most nights with him? With you being so close to him, we've got unprecedented access to the man controlling the military."

I pulled away from him and turned to look out the window. I felt the tell-tale prickling behind my eyes. _No, I wasn't going to cry. _"So you and I... Are we over?"

Could I be so selfish as to hope that Riordan would stay with me even though I was sleeping with someone else? My own chutzpah amazed me. I was reasonably certain I would never be so tolerant.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. "No, Lucy. We're not over. We just need to be cautious. When you're here I'll sneak into your room, or vice versa. Even if our companions don't talk, we'll have servants about and you can't always vouch for their discretion."

Ah, he was right. I remembered how Loghain had spies in Arl Eamon's household. I turned around and hugged him, burying my face in his neck and reacquainting myself with his unique smell. "I'm sorry, Danny. This is unfair to you. If this weren't necessary, I'd end this with Loghain."

"We're Grey Wardens, dear heart, strike the word _fair _from your vocabulary. We don't play fair, we'll take whatever advantage we can during a Blight. Life doesn't play fair with us either, Lucy. I pray sleeping with Loghain is the only sacrifice you have to make."

Oh god, the guilt! It wasn't a sacrifice; I enjoyed it. The only sacrifice was my sense of right and wrong. It was wrong to sleep with another man when I loved Danny – Danny who intended to die killing the archdemon. I was so tired and discouraged that if I dwelt on that I was going to end up in a pile on the floor, in a damp puddle of tears. Tears were an anti-aphrodisiac, just ask any man.

"There aren't any servants now and I intend to take a long, hot soak and then go to bed. Will you join me for that?"

He didn't answer me, he just started to unfasten my armor and put it on the armor stand in my room.

~o~o~o~

I cursed my inability to draw. I was trying to draw a ballista that could fire multiple arrows at once. I had thought of a few possibilities, if I could just draw them. I didn't have to work out all the details, hopefully an engineer could see the possibilities in my drawing and figure them out. I knew that on earth such items had been around long before the 12th century, perhaps even used by Greeks in the 3rd century. This could be done, if we just had enough time. Perhaps even cannon... but I was unwilling to be responsible for bringing the basics of firearms to Thedas. Even these mounted bows and the ammunition I was inventing would be enough to kick warfare up a notch or two.

When Riordan awoke I was already sketching and quietly cursing and had been since before the sun had risen. I was designing a means to bringing the archdemon down to where we could best fight it. He woke up and groggily sat at the side of the bed and rubbed his face with his hands. "Maker, Lucy, you should take a day off. We've just finished a grueling six months of travel and fighting. Now what are you about?"

"Now I think I can be truly useful, not just the Regent's plaything and an imposter." I set down my piece of drawing charcoal and looked at Riordan with excitement. "I've been thinking about how to deal with the archdemon. There was ancient technology from my world we might be able to recreate. Combine that with magic and chemistry and we might be able to surprise old Archie with some new tricks." I went over to him and gave him my latest sketch. "What does that look like?"

He scratched his scruffy face and stared at my drawing upside-down. "A house? Oh, is that a knight, holding some sort of spear?" He turned the paper the other way and looked again. "Oh, yes. I see it. That's definitely a bathtub, and is this a tree in the bathtub? How do you bring down the archdemon with a bathtub and a tree?"

My face fell. "Dammit, I can't draw, Danny! It's supposed to be a crossbow mounted on a cart that can shoot six bolts at once." I went through my pile of sketches and pulled out another one.

"This one shoots one bolt at a time, but you can load six of them into these chambers and they rotate into place. Pulling back on this lever resets the bow string and loads the arrow. You should be able be ready to shoot again very quickly." I pulled out another sketch.

"This is the ammunition. It is designed to shatter a glass vial inside it which will ignite and cause a fiery explosion on impact. The ballista itself will have a fire rune and it will launch the arrows on fire... I hope. If not we could use some... sulfuric acid – um, vitriol you may call it – with sodium chlorate and sugar. Do you have those things?"

Riordan looked at me with a very puzzled expression. "Sugar, of course, but the other, I have no idea." He got up and looked through my drawings. "What is your intention for this weapon?"

"To burn or blow a hole in the archdemon's wing. We're going to shoot Archie out of sky, my dear!" I smiled happily. "We just need a very good engineer and perhaps someone who can draw better than I can." I turned back to my drawings. "What about napalm?" I muttered to myself. If I had enough time and could find the right people we could probably burn the stupid git to a crisp before it ever hit the ground.

I got up and paced around the room excitedly. "I need to talk to that dwarven merchant, Bodahn. His son was some sort of savant with runes and perhaps he knows some dwarven engineers, they seemed rather advanced. And Zevran, maybe he knows something about chemical fires. Morrigan... should try to find something in her mom's book for communication... although could we use smoke-signals, reflections from mirrors, drums, pony express... tin cans on a string?" I laughed manically.

I spent the first half of the day sketching and making copious notes. The second part of the day I started talking to every dwarf I could find. Finally I heard from one about a pair of brothers, one of which was an excellent engineer. They were in the Amaranthine area, only a couple of days on horseback from Denerim. I found Bodahn and his son and indicated that they should stay in Denerim for a while; they'd be getting a lot of work if they did. I sat down with Morrigan and Zevran and came away with a number of useful ideas. Morrigan in particular had a spell she'd just finished translating from her mother's grimoire. It allowed mages to communicate through a glass globe. I sent her off to find a couple of glass globes that we could use. Zevran had some useful recipes for corrosives and even chemical fires. One of his recipes sounded something like Greek fire, which would burn underwater. Wynne knew of a way to prepare a sticky mixture that could be mixed with oil.

Leliana found some servants and they began to bring some order to the Grey Warden compound. I had a solemn meeting with them and explained that their discretion was needed and that lack of discretion would result in immediate termination. I hoped they would be able to keep their mouths shut, but I wasn't going to count on it. I paid them a very generous salary and told everyone to treat them with respect, hoping we could at least not give them any reason to wish us harm.

That evening a royal summons arrived. We were to deliver an account of our travels the following morning in a semi-private audience with Queen Anora and Loghain. Only their most trusted counselors would be allowed to attend. I would then request to talk to Loghain about my plans and ask for his help in putting them into action.

~o~o~o~

We three Grey Wardens relayed our tale of raising allies. Anora had already received messages from the dwarves and they were preparing their armies. The Dalish had yet to send a messenger. We left out some of our more... interesting adventures, like nearly getting eaten by the archdemon because I had a sneezing fit. We left out our encounter with Flemeth too. Alistair, however, presented Anora with a small bag of Cailan's ashes. I saw a very strange look on Anora's face when she was introduced to Alistair. When he presented her with the bag her eyes were riveted on him and her mouth was agape just a bit. I won't pretend to be the best reader of human emotion, but she seemed almost enraptured by him. I saw I wasn't the only one noticing her reaction, Leliana sent me a covert smile. _Interesting_. I mused over this, wondering what, if anything, would come of this. I stole a look at Loghain and saw a frown on his face, but that wasn't out of the ordinary.

We had our dinner with Anora and her father. I was seated next to Loghain and used the opportunity to ask for a private audience later. He acquiesced, his eyebrow raised with curiosity.

"I hope you've had an opportunity to rest from your recent travels, my lady." Loghain said politely.

"I have, Your Grace. Sleeping in a bed and not having watch duty is remarkably refreshing. I also find eating a well-cooked meal is very restoring." I took a bite of my food and smiled contentedly. It was really good food. I followed it up with a swallow of good Ferelden ale. "And trust me, Ser, Ferelden ale is vastly superior to the swill the dwarves brew. I suspect even the dwarves would agree." I turned to Oghren. "Do you agree, Oghren?"

Oghren was draining the last of another tankard. He set it down with a deeply satisfied sigh. "Aye, Warden, although I wouldn't let one of those sodding, under-dwelling fools hear you. They'd cut your throat if you dared to say their ale didn't compare favorably, though it would be from ignorance. Even the most patriotic nug-humper amongst them would concede once they had a taste."

I turned to Loghain. "You see? Another possible marketplace for Fereldan goods. I think the dwarves would be receptive to importing ale once they've had a taste. Perhaps you should send a few kegs to King Bhelen?"

Loghain laughed. "Well done, Lady Cousland. Did you hear that Anora? Send some of our best ale to King Bhelen. Elissa would make quite an ambassador if she wasn't needed for this Blight."

Anora smiled at me. "Well done, Elissa. Tell me, why made you decide that Bhelen would be the best King? His relation to the former King?"

"Well no, Your Majesty, not exactly. In fact, I never even considered it at all. We considered his personal merits. He is quite ruthless. Normally I would consider that a rather undesirable quality in a ruler, but dwarven politics are very cutthroat. Although Harrowmont seemed to have a more reasonable, milder temperament, he was a traditionalist. He wanted dwarven society to remain very stratified into castes, and insular, cutting off the surface and those dwarves who choose to live amongst us. Bhelen is a reformer, he wishes to break down the barriers between castes. He realizes the dwarves will die out if they don't reproduce more successfully, and the caste system is taking a lot of people out of the gene pool."

A confused look passed over Anora's face. "Gene pool, what is that?"

"Oh!" I sputtered for a moment, trying to think how to cover my mistake. "It means they're not viewed as suitable mates. Their children are often victims of infanticide. But besides realizing the importance of the casteless to the dwarves' success as a race, he also understands the importance of developing ties to the surface world. So I think he would favor stronger ties to the rest of Thedas, especially Ferelden."

Loghain positively beamed at me. "See Anora? I told you this woman was brilliant."

I blushed slightly at his praise and took a sip of my ale to cover my embarrassment. It was especially uncomfortable to have him make such a fuss over me in front of Riordan.

Anora cocked her head, looking at me curiously. "Frankly, I am surprised, Elissa. Your family always valued bloodlines highly." There seemed to be a measure of pique in her voice, as if the fact annoyed her.

I had to think a moment. Why would this annoy her? Perhaps the Couslands opposed her marriage to Cailan due to her father's commoner beginnings? _Argh!_ I wished I weren't so uneducated in such matters. I had the typical American's egalitarian views, which would probably be diametrically opposed to anyone with royalist leanings, like the Couslands had apparently.

"My views are not necessarily those of my family's, ma'am. I have learned that birth does not define competency, merely opportunity." I hoped I wasn't being offensive with those views. A few of the nobles dining with us gave me a very strange look, as though I was speaking heresy.

Anora stared at me blankly for a moment then smiled broadly. "Indeed?" She smiled at her father. "I think you are right, father, this woman is brilliant." She turned back to me. "Perhaps when this Blight is over there will be a role for you to play in our court."

Oh god, no. I didn't need that much exposure to those who would surely figure out I'm an imposter. "Thank you, ma'am, but I'm afraid my duty lies with the Grey Wardens."

Anora smiled smugly. "We shall see about that, shan't we, Father? Perhaps you can change her mind?" She looked pointedly at Loghain.

I wanted to fall through the floor.

Loghain scowled at his daughter. "I think Elissa knows her own mind." His terseness spoke volumes. He didn't care for the direction of the conversation.

The rest of the meal passed with lively conversation, but fortunately on more neutral topics. Afterward Loghain invited me to his private study and I showed him my terrible drawings and discussed my plans with him.

He turned my drawings around and around, trying to make sense of them. "It really does look like a tree in a bathtub."

"It's not!" I snapped at him. "Look, I can't draw. Just imagine a giant crossbow mounted on a wagon and there are six arrows, or so, and a giant string wound on a... winding thingy... a... a windlass! There's a fire rune on the device, so the arrows will light on fire. Inside the arrows is a vial of a sticky sort of oil. The vial will break on impact and splatter on the archdemon and the fire on the tip of the arrow will ignite it. We aim it at the wings of the archdemon. When enough holes have been burnt into it, it can't fly anymore!"

Loghain looked at me critically. "This is an excellent idea. One that seems quite achievable but you once described the weapons your world fought its wars with. Can't you design some of those?"

I laughed. "A nuclear bomb? A fighter jet? Machine guns? Loghain, even if I knew more than just what they looked like and a few of their principles, I wouldn't. You don't want to go down that path as a civilization, trust me. I thought about cannons too, but once you get your hands on gunpowder, it's all downhill from there."

"What is gunpowder?" He looked curious, eager to hear.

I couldn't resist his interest. I spilled what little I knew about its history and talked about cannons and guns and then about automatic and semi-automatic guns. His expression was rapt. I was starting to talk about things that made even bigger explosions when I realized I might be giving him information that would lead this world down a path they really shouldn't go down. I simply stopped my discourse in mid-sentence.

"Go on, Lucy. This is fascinating."

"Loghain, you're not thinking you could use this technology?" I looked at him suspiciously. There was no way they could develop this all now, but they could certainly start down the road with gunpowder and they'd probably out-tech every other country on Thedas. With his paranoia of Orlais I could just see an arms race in the near future. "There's no way we could develop it in time to deal with the Blight. The ballista, I think, we can do. You've already got much of the technology, we just need the exploding bolts and a good delivery system."

"I was thinking longer term. This gunpowder sounds like a good thing to learn about. We'd never have to fear Orlais again."

I shook my head. "Oh, Loghain. Don't you realize that you can't keep such things to yourself? Sooner or later your worst enemy will have the technology and then your wars will become even bloodier and nastier. Then one side improves on it, and they have the advantage awhile, then the other side does... it just never ends."

Loghain looked thoughtful and very tempted. "I will give you whatever you need to develop this ballista and whatever else you want. But you must not ever tell anyone else about this gunpowder or the other weapons from your world." He grasped my arm and pulled me to him. "Promise you won't, Lucy."

I looked at him, suddenly afraid. Had I said too much to him? "I promise. But Loghain, promise me you won't try to develop gunpowder. I never should have spoken of it."

He shook his head. "I can't promise that, Lucy. I'll do what I must do to protect this country."

It frightened me. Perhaps he could figure it out without my help, but I doubted it. Yet, I would not willingly tell him how to make gunpowder or any of the other weapons I had mentioned. Would he try to coerce it from me? I didn't believe he would. He might try to cajole it from me, guilt it out of me, but force it? No. He wouldn't...would he? At least, not unless he were truly desperate for it. Perhaps my exploding ballista bolts were enough to make him feel more secure against an invasion.

"There's more. I have another drawing." I pulled out another paper and steeled myself for the comments on my artistic talents.

He examined it awhile and looked at me and shrugged. "Lucy, I have no idea what this is."

I sighed. "This is a semi-automatic ballista. You pull down this lever here and a bolt falls into place and the string is cocked with one action. You should be ready to fire very quickly."

Loghain nodded, his eyes looking interested. "I see." He smiled broadly at me. "I also see you need a good draftsman to work with and some engineers."

I nodded. "Yes! Maker, I can't draw. I have a lead on a good dwarven engineer, he's in Amaranthine."

Loghain assured me he would send riders out to Amaranthine to get the dwarf and his brother as soon as possible.

"One last thing." I reached into my pack and pulled out the glass orb that Morrigan had purchased. I set it on the desk in front of me. "Watch." I cast a spell and suddenly we could see a picture of the room where Morrigan had left her orb. One of our new servants was cleaning the room and we could hear her singing to herself while she was cleaning.

"Maker's balls! What is that?" Loghain looked riveted into the orb.

"Instant communications. There has to be a mage at one end and the orb has to be properly prepared. We could set these up around Ferelden to report on the archdemon's movement, but we will need mages to initiate a connection." I waved my hand and the connection faded.

Loghain looked incredibly excited. "If only we'd had that during the occupation."

He just wasn't getting it. If the rebellion had it, the Orlesians would have too, eventually. I tried to explain again. "Loghain, you can't keep something like this a secret long. Sooner or later the Orlesians would have had it too."

He grunted. I think he just didn't want to believe me. "The Chantry may object."

I grinned. "In my world we have a saying: Sometimes it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to get permission."

He smiled at me then laughed. "An excellent observation." Then he frowned at me. "Just never try that with me."

I rubbed my mouth, trying to hide my smirk. "Of course not." I got up and pointed to his map. "So, we need some mages for this and places to station them. Probably some scouts to look for signs that the darkspawn are digging out a big hole for the archdemon. We should have a backup method on hand too, just in case something happens to the mage with the orb, if they're swallowed by the archdemon before they can report in, or something. Perhaps your fastest riders set up on a relay?"

He nodded thoughtfully and then looked at me again with a look I couldn't read.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It seems that Ferelden's best weapon is you, Lucy." He pulled me to him and stroked my hair gently. "That worries me. If our enemies got their hands on you... or if you should die during the Blight."

I felt that shiver of fear again. I had said too much and confided more than I should have. I had forgotten about his obsession with Orlais. Now he saw me as a weapon. What would that mean for me? Would he have me closely watched to make sure I wasn't giving secrets to the Orlesians? Would he be suspicious of Riordan or Leliana? I needed to get him refocused on the Blight. I kissed him softly.

"Only the two of us know these things. Orlais has no interest in Elissa Cousland and certainly wouldn't consider her of any strategic value. There is nothing to worry about."

"You had mentioned that more Grey Wardens could be made before you left. What of that?" Loghain said, suddenly changing the subject.

I shook my head. "Unfortunately the seal on the vial of archdemon blood needed for the ritual was broken. The blood has dried up and is useless."

"So, no more Wardens to fight this Blight?" Loghain stroked my hair again.

"We found some on our journey, but there's only enough for one Joining." I decided against telling him about Avernus or Soldier's Peak; my overly trusting nature was becoming a problem. "However there is only one dose. So, we can attempt to make another Grey Warden. There's no guarantee they will survive the Joining though." I sighed. "I don't see the point in recruiting another Warden just to have them die in the Blight, should they survive the Joining."

We discussed my plans for a couple of hours. Loghain picked out six spots on the map where mages and scouts could be stationed. High points with vantages of the surrounding countryside. He would equip the scouts with spyglasses. Each mage would go with a globe that would be attuned to one of six globes we would keep here. Someone would have to keep watch of the globes every minute of every day. I insisted that we have backup mages so they could rotate duty.

I wanted to go to the Circle of Magi and ask the First Enchanter for as many mages as I could have. Morrigan would have to be the one to train them to use the orbs as my magical ability must be kept a secret, but Loghain did not want me to leave Denerim.

"You need to stay here and work with the engineers on the ballistae and the ammunition," he argued.

I wondered how much of it was that he didn't want to lose control over '_Ferelden's best weapon'. _"I agree I need to be here to work with the engineers, but Morrigan and I can fly to the Circle of Magi quickly and return quickly too. Let's get a draftsman to make a decent drawing of my idea and then we'll go to the tower while you're hunting down that dwarven engineer and bringing him to Denerim."

We argued over it and he finally relented. I was still feeling off-balance and a little afraid. What was the source of this sudden protectiveness? Was it because he cared so much for me, or was it because he had suddenly understood how my knowledge could be exploited? Suspicion had taken root in my gut.

We concluded our meeting and Loghain pulled me to him for a kiss. "Shall I leave my window open tonight?"

I nodded and smiled. I wondered, not for the first time, which of us was manipulating the other. _Ferelden's best weapon... _maybe it was just flattery.

"Good," he murmured against my ear, "I've missed having you in my bed."

Or perhaps he was sincere. I just didn't know.

~o~o~o~

**Notes: **My thanks to Biff McLaughlin (look up her great stories, lots of Zevran love) for the beta-reading! Sorry this update took so long. My creativity disappeared into the gaping chasm in my stomach when I was on a low calorie diet for a few weeks. Hard to write when visions of bacon are dancing in your head. But the post-holiday bulge is gone, plus a lot of the other bulge and instead of having one pair of pants that fits...barely... I have many! I really need to finish up this story because I'm sure DA2 is going to derail me and I am repeating this diet again in a another month.

Thanks for the reviews! They gives me a happy!


	47. Not Furlong or What the Ell?

**_Prior chapter summary:_**

Back in Denerim, Lucy reunites somewhat reluctantly with Loghain and their _alliance_ resumes. Lucy is excited about designing some weapons to bring down the archdemon. Morrigan shows her a spell from Flemeth's grimoire that will allow them long distance communications with other mages. She talks a little too eagerly to Loghain about weapons and their history on her world and he becomes interested in gunpowder. Lucy is quite convinced that gunpowder was the _gateway-drug _that eventually led to larger and larger explosions, including nuclear weapons. She refuses to share what she knows about making gunpowder or firearms. Loghain suddenly realizes that with Lucy's knowledge _she _is a weapon, one that could be used by their enemies (i.e. Orlais).

Lucy knows what Loghain is thinking and she starts to become a bit concerned about what he might do to make sure she doesn't become a weapon turned against Ferelden.

_Reminder from way back:_ Lucy used lyrium once, had a very strange reaction to it and hasn't really touched it since.

**What the Ell? Or Not Furlong**

My plans took shape under the skilled pencil of a talented draftsman and my fearsome weapon stopped looking like a tree in a tub and looked like a proper instrument of destruction. I went on a tour of a large smithy where metal was smelted and molded. It was impossible with this technology to get perfectly formed parts, but we could get them close enough. I only hoped they could do it fast enough to be ready in time.

I resumed my old habit of flying into Loghain's window after dark. We would discuss whatever had happened that day or he would look over the updated drawings and ask questions about them. I would tell him of the progress we had made locating ingredients we needed. Then we'd usually go to bed, although some nights I went back to the compound.

We made love every night I stayed there. I wondered at his stamina; it was surprising for a man of his age. There was no mistaking Loghain for Riordan. Loghain was physically so much larger than me that I always felt a little dominated by him. He was often physically aggressive in a way I did not find unpleasant.

There was a change in our relationship. I had deep rooted suspicions that Loghain viewed me as a tool, a weapon; one that he could use or one that could be used against him, or Ferelden. When he pressed me for information about my world and what I knew of more modern weapons, I would try to adroitly evade his questions. Hiking my skirt up my thighs and straddling him in his chair while biting his neck and teasing his ear with my tongue was an effective subject changer, at least for a while. Eventually he became immune to such tactics or he would turn them on me. In the middle of love play he'd try to lure information from me.

One night our exchange became a verbal sparring match. It began playfully, but the words sharpened and we both became angry. He tried to assert his authority over me as the Queen's general and Teyrn. I rolled my eyes and reminded him I was quite possibly a Teyrna in my own right, and a Grey Warden, and that meant he had no real authority over me.

Mistake! His face, always prone to look somewhat threatening and intimidating, took on a look of anger I hadn't ever really experienced before, certainly not turned on me. He loomed over me and glared, his hands squeezed my shoulders, fingers digging painfully into my muscles. "Would you like to test that assumption, madam? Perhaps a week in Fort Drakon would change your mind?"

I admit that he frightened me, but I refused to back down. I glared at him, my nostrils flaring. I was about to turn around, throw open the window and leave, but instead I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and used a burst of arcane energy to boost my strength. I pulled him to me and kissed him bruisingly hard. He picked me up and set my bottom on his desk and we ravished one another, knocking all sorts of things onto the floor, ripping off clothes, biting, bruising... scratching. There was quite a mess. I really hoped he had a hard time explaining all the broken glass, ink stains and spilled wine the next day.

Afterward I could have healed the damage we had done to one another but I was still too angry. "I should go," was all I said. I opened the window and flew out. The encounter had shaken me with its violence and passion.

It was late that night when I got home and I sneaked into Riordan's room, making sure that none of the servants saw me. Now more than ever I was concerned that Loghain might be watching. I saw two sleeping lumps in his bed and was going to leave. I wanted companionship, but I didn't want to intrude.

Zevran sat up and looked at me sleepily. I stood with my hand on the door, clenching my dress closed... all the buttons were littering Loghain's room. Zevran scooted over and patted the bed, making room between himself and Riordan. I undressed, forgetting about how marked my body was. Zevran watched and got up to take a closer look when he saw the bruises and scratches in the moonlight.

"What is this, Lucia?" He looked at me watching my expression closely. "I hope this was only some rough play."

I shook my head. "Something has changed." I sighed with frustration. "I was afraid tonight. I made him very angry."

I could see Zevran's expression growing angry in the moonlight. "Carina, this cannot continue. You need to end it with him. Did he force you?"

I laughed quietly. "Force me? I don't think he could with the things I learned from the elven spirit in the forest ruin. We did make love rather brutally after our argument."

Riordan woke up and sat up. "I didn't think you'd be back tonight."

Zevran pointed to the most glaring of my scratches. "Look what that bastardo figlio di puttana did to her!"

I snorted quietly and crawled into bed. "I seem to recall you doing worse than that, Zev."

"Entirely different circumstances, Lucia, you know that."

I squeezed close to Riordan. The bed was crowded, but the contact was exactly what I needed. Zevran got in on the other side and snuggled up close. I sighed. "I can't believe I'm going to say this about you two, but I just wanted some less demanding companionship tonight than Loghain."

Riordan was about to question me about my wounds but I shook my head. "Just let me sleep, Danny. We'll talk tomorrow." I'd learned a sleep spell from Morrigan and, since I felt safe wedged between Zevran and Riordan, I used it on myself. It was the best way to ensure my mind wouldn't circle endlessly around the events of the night or that I would be disturbed by dreams of the archdemon.

~o~o~o~

That next morning, just before dawn, I kissed each of the sleeping men gently and sneaked to my room. You might think I would open the door and walk down the hall, but no, I could have been spotted by a servant. So I opened the bedroom window and flew out and landed on the sill of my bedroom window. I had left my window open as I usually do. I fluttered in and got into my still-made bed. If any of the servants were spying on me they would report I had slept in my bed. I wished I were still sandwiched between my two rogues, but I fell asleep between my cold sheets and slept until the sun was well up.

I wouldn't speak openly to Riordan or Zevran until we were out of the compound and in a place where we could be certain we wouldn't be overheard. We walked to a courtyard with a lively, splashing fountain. It would hide our conversation from passersby. I sat on the edge of the fountain and they sat on either side of me.

"Is this necessary, Lucy?" Riordan was amazed at my paranoia.

I shrugged. "I hope not. Loghain is pressuring me to develop weapons for him, for Ferelden, which I would rather see your world not have. They made for terrible bloody wars and arms races. In my world, we teeter on annihilation because we have weapons so powerful they can wipe out virtually all life for miles and miles."

Zevran and Riordan looked at me with horror. "And you can make these weapons?"

I smiled. "Me? No. But the invention of firearms and gunpowder started us down the road to that. I could probably figure out how to make gunpowder and some rudimentary weapons that utilize it. It would unbalance the power, making Ferelden much stronger. Your wars will become nastier and bloodier. There will be a continual arms race until one day you face the same fate as where I come from. The only thing that stops us from using these weapons is mutually assured destruction."

Zevran cursed. "That is madness, surely. You are right. But how did Loghain come to learn of this?"

I grimaced and slapped my forehead. "Because sometimes I talk too much and think too little." I looked over at Riordan who had been quiet.

"So, tell me about this weapon he wants you to create."

"Oh Maker damn it all, Danny, not you too?" I glared at him.

He shrugged. "We deal with the Blight however we can."

"That's foolishness!" I spat the words at him. "This is worse than the Blight. It might take longer to come about but it's just as nasty a way to kill everyone off. Unlike the Blight, killing a big nasty dragon doesn't make it go away."

Zevran shook his head. "I have to agree with her, amico. But Loghain is pressuring you? You said you had an argument last night and things became rough?"

I nodded. "He threatened me with imprisonment. I think he was just angry because I reminded him Grey Wardens were outside his authority, but I am afraid this might escalate." I bit at my thumbnail.

"Tch!" Zevran pulled my thumb away from my mouth.

Riordan looked at me with concern. "Is our alliance in danger?"

"Idiota! Your lover is frightened and you ask after the alliance first?" Zevran turned to me. "Ignore this bastardo, mia cara, tell me what you're afraid of." He draped an arm over my shoulder protectively.

Riordan's mouth twitched and he frowned at Zevran. "I assumed she was all right. Lucy can take care of herself."

"You know nothing about women, shiavo. What do you see in him, Lucia?" He pointed at Riordan and shrugged.

I laughed at them. "I can take care of myself, up to a point anyway, but I am frightened. Loghain sees _me_ as a weapon. He realizes that whoever controls me will have an advantage in developing new technology." Someone walked by and I stopped talking until they passed. "He isn't content with what I've given him, he wants more, and I think he's afraid that Orlais might somehow get to me. Danny... you could be in danger, Leliana too; you're both Orlesian. Or maybe he would just lock me up somewhere to make certain no one else gets me. I don't know."

Riordan stood up and put a booted foot on the edge of the fountain. He looked concerned. "All right, I can see your point. We all need to be careful. Now more than ever it would be dangerous if he found out we are lovers. We had better not take any chances." He looked around to see if anyone was watching. He took my hand. "I'm sorry, Lucy."

I sighed. "Grey Wardens first." My voice was bitter. I kicked at the ground with my toe. "Stupid Blight." I muttered.

Zevran grinned. "Then I can have you to myself, no?"

Riordan smiled wryly at Zevran. "No. Loghain is going to be suspicious of anyone Lucy is close to, which includes you. I'm sure he'll be suspicious that you're trying to recruit her for Antiva."

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. "I just wish this damn Blight were over so I could shtup whomever I want to shtup."

Riordan looked at me soberly and said: "Loghain will still think you're a weapon after the Blight, I fear."

I frowned. "But we won't need him and I can always hide somewhere." I stood up, ready to return to the compound. "Perhaps all this fussing is unnecessary. I've only been weighing possibilities with what I know of Loghain. My gut tells me to be careful, but I also think he cares about me and that wars with what he feels is his duty to Ferelden."

I just hoped his feelings for me wouldn't come in second place to his duties.

~o~o~o~

It was difficult to find exactly what I needed since the chemical names I knew were different from the fanciful alchemical names they had. Fortunately Zevran knew a bit about making gases and bombs and we experimented until we found something that would work. It was actually rather a lot of fun, except for the minor burns and the singed eyebrows. Sometimes we'd go out to an abandoned field and blow things up. Or rather we'd _blow shit up_, as I liked to call it.

Lyrium remained a mystery to me. From my one attempt to drink it I knew I had a strange response. But since that day Wynne had worked with me on control and I wanted to know what exactly it was doing to me. I wanted to try to cast a spell while I was under the influence of lyrium, but I was frightened too. I wanted to have Alistair there to defuse me if I went out of control again.

One day I talked Alistair and Morrigan into coming along on our trip to blow things up. Morrigan scouted via crow form for any templars in the vicinity. I was very curious about my strange reaction to drinking lyrium. No one seemed to know what would happen if I cast magic under the effects of lyrium. I felt like my magic was much more powerful after drinking lyrium. Alistair was afraid I'd rip the veil. Morrigan was just curious. I thought with the four of us we could do some simple experiments. If we tore a little hole in the veil, Morrigan assured me we could fix it.

"This is a bad idea." Alistair was still trying to talk me out of it. "You lit up like a beacon last time you tried this."

"That's why you're here, big Al." I slapped him on the back. "I've learned much better control since the last time I tried lyrium. Wynne made me practice a lot." I gazed up at the sky and watched for Morrigan to fly over. "All clear, Morri?"

She cawed in the affirmative and landed next to us, transforming back to human. "What spell will you cast?"

"I think a cone of cold might be the best bet. I'd hate to burn up the countryside in some sort of firestorm. I mean, depending on how big this spell is... I could light the atmosphere on fire and sterilize this planet. With a cold spell, what's the worst that could happen? A sudden ice-age?" I giggled at my outrageous delusions of grandeur. My companions stared at me blankly. "Probably best you don't know," I mumbled.

"Okay, for my first test, this is how a normal, unenhanced cone of cold looks." I cast the spell and a cone of frosty air emerged from my hand and froze the tall weeds for about a dozen feet in front of me in a cone. "Al, what would you say are the dimensions of that?"

Alistair paced the length then breadth of the frozen area. "I think three ells, four hands long. One ell... no... call it one and a half ell wide."

Their measurement system was entirely confusing to me. If I could have had a simple yardstick to make comparisons I would have been much happier. "All right." I held out my hand to Morrigan. "Lyrium please." She put the smallest bottle in my hand. "Should I drink the whole thing?"

"Yes, 'tis a tiny dose."

"No!"

Alistair and Morrigan spouted off their conflicting advice simultaneously.

"I'll drink half." I pulled the cork out and tried to judge a half portion and drank it.

The blue liquid surged down my throat spreading its fiery power through my veins. I broke out in a fine sheen of sweat and unfastened my cloak and threw it aside. "Oh man, that's a rush." I felt like I could do anything... fly, make a barn levitate, turn the land inside-out, uproot trees with my mind. I only had to concentrate and I could do it. I clamped down on the feeling. _Must...not... give in to the mania. _I gritted my teeth. "Alistair, how am I doing?"

"You're leaking a little, but nothing like before." He looked at me curiously. "What's it feel like?"

"Fucking amazing!" My control wavered with the exclamation, sparks danced off the ends of my fingers.

"Whoa! Lucy, careful!" Alistair reached out with his hand, ready to drain off my mana. "You're leaking like mad now."

I took a deep breath and concentrated on a spot on the ground. "Better now?" I asked him, my teeth clenched again.

"Yeah."

"Try your spell, Lucy. Don't hold back, let us see what you can do." Morrigan urged me. "Really dig into it."

"Shut up, Morrigan!" Alistair looked truly concerned. "Control it, Lucy. Ignore her."

They reminded me of those old cartoons with an angel perched on one shoulder, devil on the other, advising the guy in the middle. I had to control it, Alistair was right. I was happy that my mania hadn't completely impaired my judgment.

I looked up in the direction I had cast the last spell and felt my power swelling. I muttered the frost spell, holding my hand in front of me, Bendrick's staff in my other hand. I heard Alistair yelling and Morrigan shouting something. The power that had been ricocheting through my body left me in an orgasmic rush. A woman screamed, "Oh yes! Oh yes! God, yes!" and then everything went dim.

~o~o~o~

My eyelids could only raise halfway up. I awoke feeling empty and languorous and weak as a kitten. "What happened?" I said weakly. Zevran's face hovered over mine, then Alistair's came into view.

"We had to hide." Alistair looked up and waved his arms at the circling raven. "Templars are coming."

Morrigan descended and stood over me, looking rather pleased. "You covered half a furlong of land in thick ice."

Zevran grinned at me. "And had an epic climax at the same time, from the sounds of it."

Morrigan shook her head at me. "Some people have all the luck." She looked envious.

I sat up, but felt very wobbly. "Did I tear the veil? How long is a furlong?" I realized that no one could really answer that last question in a way that would make sense to me.

Alistair shook his head. "You didn't tear the veil. You shouted and fainted."

"There was a smile on your face." Zevran looked envious too.

"Help me up, please." I wanted to see exactly what I'd done. I felt weak and lightheaded, like I felt when I was out of mana. My legs were like noodles. Alistair picked me up and set me on my feet, I had to grab onto him so I wouldn't fall. I tried to shift into crow form, but I didn't have the mana to do it. "I need some more lyrium..."

Alistair looked alarmed. "No! Absolutely not."

"The woman is insatiable!" Zevran exclaimed with a grin.

"I just need a drop. Just enough so I can shift into a crow. I want to see what happened." I held out my hand for the bottle.

Alistair took the bottle from Morrigan. "Put out your hand."

I sighed petulantly and held out my hand. He poured a tiny dot of lyrium into my hand. "You'd think I was a junkie!" I licked the little dot off my palm. I was surprised that such a minute amount would even have any effect, but I could feel the power surging through my body; not massively as before, but it restored my mana and my lightheadedness dissipated. "Hmm! That actually worked. I must have some sort of susceptibility to lyrium. I really only need a tiny bit."

Morrigan looked at me with fascination. "Interesting. That suggests that if a mage drank a very, very large dose they might be able to do what you did."

"And die in the process." Alistair said dryly. "It's toxic, you know."

"Please, don't tell anyone outside of our companions about this. Don't talk about it in front of the servants. We need to be very cautious."

Zevran knew the extent of my paranoia and why. He nodded. Alistair looked at me curiously; I hadn't confided in him about my troubles with Loghain. I knew I should, but now wasn't a great time. He still hated Loghain, but after the Landsmeet he had reconciled to the fact that we were allies. I wasn't sure how he would react to hearing how rocky things were.

"Well, let's go back to the compound. I'm going to check out my handiwork. See you all back there." I turned myself into a crow and croaked a farewell and flew off, looking for the field. I flew roughly half a mile... how many furlongs in a mile? I wondered... and found the field. There were half a dozen templars circling the area looking around at the massive area covered in ice. Not that I was any great judge of distances but I'd guess that I'd covered about a football field in ice. I landed well away from the templars and inspected the ice. I pecked at it with my beak.

"Hey Ian, look at that bird. It don't know what to make of this ice either." One of the templars stood up and pointed at me. Fortunately being in an animal form didn't expend any magic, it was only when I transformed into one that I would be detectable to a templar.

It wasn't all that thick at the far end but it got thicker the closer to where I had been standing. I flew closer to where I had been standing and watched the templars from a tree. They were jabbing at the ice with their swords. It was thick enough they couldn't penetrate the ice.

"Richard, whatcha reckon could have done this?" One of the templars took off his helm and scratched his head.

"I don't know, but Denerim is a good two leagues away and we felt that magic all the way there. It must have been a number of mages working together."

I listened to them speculating as to how such a huge display of magic was done. They were clearly utterly confused, and had never seen anything like it.

I took to the air again and flew back to Denerim, flapping slowly and thinking. This power was intoxicating. It scared me even as I longed to feel it again, but I felt the seeds of my own destruction in that power. Releasing it had felt like a super-nova igniting in my belly. Wynne's admonitions to practice control suddenly seemed more important than they ever had. If I ever had to call upon that power I had to make sure it didn't get away from me. What about those manic promptings to turn the land inside-out? A delusion undoubtedly; I knew no such spell and I was sure such a thing probably didn't exist. Just a bizarre thought brought on by the high that lyrium gives to me.

I would not be telling Loghain about this. It was bad enough he had suddenly realized I was a weapon, or a tool he could use, if he knew the extent of this... I didn't know what he would do. He might judge me too dangerous to live.

~o~o~o~

When we got back to the compound one of the servants accosted me excitedly. "My lady, a messenger is here from the palace. He wouldn't leave until he made his delivery."

I caught Zevran's eye and made a motion. He followed me as we followed her to the messenger. The messenger handed me an elaborately carved and polished wooden box. I opened it and a necklace etched with a blue metal glinted within. It hummed with the sort of power I felt when I drank lyrium. I was almost afraid to touch it. "Who is this from?" I asked, although I knew.

The messenger handed me a note, sealed with Loghain's seal. I handed the box to Zevran to hold, but put the lid on so the necklace wouldn't distract me. I popped the wax seal and read. Loghain was terse to a fault sometimes, but this was carrying it to ridiculous extremes:

_Come tonight. LMT_

Zevran tsked as he read it over my shoulder. I turned and looked at him and saw him shake his head imperceptibly.

Damn right, I wasn't going to. He was going to have to do better than that. Even if the lyrium-imbued necklace did seem to sing to me, I wasn't going to accept it. I could buy my own damn lyrium necklace.

The messenger waited. "The Teyrn asked me to await a response."

I handed the messenger the box. "Tell the Teyrn I cannot accept his generous gift and that I regret I cannot oblige his request."

The messenger looked alarmed. I dug into my little coin purse and gave him a handful of silver. Hopefully that would make delivering my negative response a bit less stressful for him.

"Thank you, my lady." He bowed and left.

I growled and turned to Zevran. "Not even an apology! Just an order to come to him as if nothing happened. As if he hadn't threatened to imprison me!" I wadded up the note and threw it into the fire.

Zevran sighed. "I think the necklace was the apology. That must have cost a princely amount."

"Apologies are made with words, not baubles," I snapped angrily. I glared at the fire, watching it devour the note.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with Wynne. I wanted her to teach me everything she could about control. She was very happy with my newly found interest in discipline.

"Lucy, you've made good progress." She admitted to me. "You have a natural aptitude with magic. I am very pleased to see you're wanting to learn even more control."

I smiled at her approval. I was such a suck-up teacher's pet. "Wynne, what does lyrium feel like to you?"

She tilted her head and looked at me curiously. "Feels like? When I drink it? It just brings my mana back. I guess it feels a bit rejuvenating. Like you're fully awake after you drink a lyrium potion."

"What about the metal? Like if it were in a ring."

"Oh! The tranquil make jewelry imbued with lyrium. They have magical properties sometimes. They might make your mana come back faster, or give you some boost to your powers. Is that what you mean?"

I shook my head. "No, I mean what does it _feel _like? I saw a lyrium-imbued necklace today and it felt like it was singing, or humming. I wanted to touch it so badly."

Wynne's forehead furrowed. "There's something odd about lyrium and you, child."

I laughed and grinned wryly. "Child?"

She laughed too. "I forget sometimes. But you must be cautious. There is something different about you, perhaps because your mind comes from another world, lyrium affects you very strangely."

"It amplifies my power, Wynne. I cast a spell today after drinking a small amount of lyrium and it was enormous. It also makes me feel like I can do anything. I feel a bit... crazy, barely in control. I have to learn to control it better."

Wynne gasped. "Maker's breath, woman, that sounds utterly dangerous."

I nodded. "It feels dangerous. I need to learn to control it better. If I should need to use it against the archdemon, I will. But I'd rather not blow myself to bits in the process... that would just ruin my day."

I described what happened when I had cast the spell and how I had fainted and how templars from two leagues away – however far away that is – felt the spell.

She sighed. "I don't suppose I can talk you out of using lyrium?"

I shook my head. "I know I have to be careful. The power is intoxicating, the metal sings to me... I could become addicted, I think."

"If the Chantry knew about this... sweet Andraste, they would certainly make you tranquil."

I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but it sounded a lot like a lobotomy to me. I shivered. "Great... just great. Wynne, I don't need anyone else to see me as a weapon. Please... don't ever mention this to anyone. I'll probably die to the archdemon and my scary ability will be gone. I promise I'll never misuse this power and I'll diligently study with you to learn everything I can of control."

Wynne clasped my hands with hers. "I trust you, Lucy. But you are right, you need to learn a lot more about control. You've learned how to control your connection to the Fade somewhat. You step halfway into it when you use your arcane warrior abilities, but I think it's important that you learn how to close the door to the Fade, leaving it open only a crack."

I nodded. Wynne started me on a course of study that involved guided meditations and casting spells that required such a minute amount of mana that they could barely move a mote of dust an inch. It was tedious and involved lots of sitting and concentrating, but I was never such a rapt student.

"Dear, I'm going to leave you to practice. I need to take a nap." Wynne left me alone to meditate and cast incredibly weak spells at very tiny things. My eyes were beginning to cross with exhaustion and it was nearly supper time when an excited servant rushed into the room and made me lose my concentration and my tiny fireball grew, went out of control, and lit a curtain on fire instead of burning up a tiny dust mote.

"Damn!" I jumped to my feet and ran to the curtain. "Get some water!" The servants weren't supposed to know I was a mage. When the servant ran out of the room I sprayed water on the curtains from my hands. When she came back the fire was out. "Phew! Close one. I found a cup with water in it." I pointed at the fireplace. "What a freak accident. That wood is rather full of sap and it crackled and an ember leapt onto the curtain!" I looked at the fireplace, the firescreen made that scenario unlikely. "I put the firescreen back. Someone had left it open."

The servant nodded. "Yes, that was a close one, my lady. There's another messenger here for you."

I rolled my eyes and followed her out to the entryway where the messenger was waiting. It was the same one as before. He handed me another message, only marginally less terse.

_I am sorry. Please come tonight. LMT_

I sighed. A part of me really wanted to make him beg – the vengeful, woman part – another part of me – the sensible, Grey Warden part – realized we needed to get back to a working relationship because we shared a common goal. Then again, if I refused to come back, the next time he might send soldiers after me and the request might not be so polite.

"All right. Tell him I will come."

The messenger bowed. "Thank you, my lady. He said to come right after dark if you would."

I tipped the messenger and watched him leave. It was already beginning to get dark and I could smell supper was nearly ready here. I went to my room trying to find something to wear. My dress was still missing its buttons, I needed to get that repaired. Perhaps I should wear my armor; nothing says _'I don't trust you'_ like arriving for dinner in chain mail. I could wear a tunic and pants, but they looked a little too casual. I went to Leliana's room and knocked.

"Lucy! I was just going to dinner, are you coming?"

"In a bit, I am meeting with Loghain tonight. Do you have anything I might wear? My dress needs some repairs."

She gave me a knowing smile. "Ah, a meeting with your general. I think I can provide you with something." She pulled me into her room. She went into her closet and pulled out a dress with a very daring neckline.

"It isn't meeting like that, Leli. We've had an argument. I just want to look nice, not seductive."

"Ah! You want a dress that says _'I might not be available', _yes?" She rifled through her wardrobe and pulled out a dark blue dress.

It had puffed sleeves. I hadn't worn puffed sleeves since I was five years old. "I think this dress says _'I'm not available because I'm five years old'."_ I handed the dress back.

Leliana shuffled through her clothes again. I wondered how she had gotten so many so quickly. We hadn't been in town that long. She pulled out another dress, gray with black buttons and a simple scooped neck. "Try this. I think with a red corset it will look elegant."

She put me in a dark red corset that was made to go over the dress. I thought it looked good, not too gaudy. Then she wanted to fix my hair, but I drew the line at that. "I don't want him to think I fussed over my appearance for him. He doesn't deserve it."

She looked at me admiringly. "I think you look appropriate. A little on the plain side for my tastes, but this is Ferelden, not Orlais."

I smiled wryly. "Yeah, Loghain certainly wouldn't want me to look Orlesian in the slightest. Not that I care what he wants!" I sniffed dramatically, then smiled at Leliana. If anyone knew what I was up to with Loghain, it was Leliana.

"Thanks, Leli." I kissed her on the cheek. We went down to dinner together and I endured surreptitious glances from Riordan and sly comments from Zevran. Then I went back to my room, barred my door and opened my window and flew off to my appointment with Loghain.

I flapped silently to Loghain's window sill and sat outside for a moment, collecting myself and... I confess, scrutinizing his room afraid perhaps he'd laid a trap for me. Between Wynne's warning about the Chantry, and his threat of imprisonment, my paranoia was growing. How could I feel affection for someone I was becoming afraid of?

Loghain walked into his bedroom and saw me hesitating at the window. He smiled at me. "Are you coming in?"

I cocked my head at him and stared, unable to cross over the threshold from being outside to in.

"You can't very well expect to have a conversation like this." He gestured with his arm for me to come in.

I shook my head. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to hear before I would come in, but I hadn't heard it yet.

Loghain rubbed his forehead. "Maker's breath, if anyone sees me talking to a crow we're in trouble." He sighed. "I feel like an idiot." His fists clenched and unclenched at his side.

I took a step backwards with one foot, as if about to fly off.

"No, don't go... please." He took a step closer to the window. "I owe you an apology."

I croaked quietly, nodding my head and turned my little yellow eye back on him. It was a start.

"I'm not good at admitting when I'm wrong..."

I made some weird little chuckling sound that was as close as I could get to saying _that's an understatement._

"... but I was wrong. I understand why you don't want to share that information. You have lived with the reality of what humans did on your world. Perhaps here things would be different, I don't know. I am sorry I pressured you for that information. I'm even sorrier I threatened you with Fort Drakon." He took another cautious step toward the window, as if I were a wild bird and would fly away with any sudden movement. He held his arm out to me as if I were a falcon, inviting me to perch on it. "Trust me once more, Lucy."

I sighed, or would have had I been human. I flew onto his shoulder and pecked him gently on the cheek.

He turned his head and smiled at me. "Come, have some wine."

I flew off his arm and tried to change gracefully into my human form mid-flight, like I've seen Morrigan do many times. She always lands lightly on her feet, making it look utterly effortless. Unfortunately this was something I've never tried before and I ended up falling on my ass.

"Gracefully done, Lucy." Loghain extended a hand while trying to extinguish a look of amusement.

I ignored the proffered hand and got up on my own, trying to look haughty and dignified. I followed Loghain into the large sitting room, adjoining his bedroom. He gestured to the sofa in front of the fire and I sat. He sat next to me, at the other end. The silence stretched on. I had yet to say a thing in human form.

He looked at me expectantly. To say the silence was pregnant was an understatement. It was pregnant with triplets and two weeks past due. It was going to explode with infants and afterbirth flying in all directions. Loghain twitched uncomfortably. I held steady to my silence.

He broke first. "Our... alliance means a lot to Ferelden, Lucy." He cleared his throat. "I could not have done it, raising allies as you did. Your plans for the Blight are good. I have my own plans for deploying troops and I want to go over those with you soon." He stopped and took a swallow of wine. "I digress somewhat, that isn't what I wanted to say to you tonight."

I looked at him, still holding my tongue, but I cocked an eyebrow to show my interest.

"I first wanted to ensure that whatever happens between us on a more... personal level, that we remain firm allies for Ferelden."

I took a sip of my wine and finally broke my silence. "I agree to that, of course. But threatening your ally with imprisonment is hardly confidence building." I gave him a disapproving look that Wynne would have been proud of.

He took a deep breath and nodded. "I know, Lucy. I lost my temper and... you have to forgive me for not responding well to your defiance. I've been a soldier for a long time and such acts of independence are not expected. There's a chain of command, you do what you're told without question."

I was about to inject that I wasn't one of his soldiers but he held up a hand.

"Let me finish, please. I know you're not one of my soldiers. My feelings for you complicate things, sometimes I am confused by this... whatever it is we have." He sighed and reached across the sofa for my hand. "I know I can't adequately explain it, because I don't understand it myself." He smiled sadly. "I know we haven't really discussed our relationship, with the uncertainty in our future it seemed..."

"...pointless." I finished his sentence.

He shook his head. "I'm going to swear to you right now, Lucy, it isn't pointless. I know you think you're going to die, but if there's any way I can change that, I will. You need to survive this. Ferelden needs you to survive this."

I pulled my hand away. "Am I just a tool to you, Loghain? A weapon perhaps?"

He stood up and walked over to the fire, his back to me. "I could ask you the same, Lucy. Is this really where you want this conversation to go?"

_Well played, ser. Well played. _"I won't risk this alliance between us. You don't need to answer that question."

He chuckled and turned around. "We've both used each other, for multiple purposes, I suspect. But it hasn't stopped me from caring for you. Even when you were infuriating me, I still loved you."

_He loved me?_ The declaration made me sad. All the walls we had both erected, the games we had played, I never could have guessed his feelings ran that deeply. "I never would have guessed. I do care about you, Loghain."

He sat back down and took my hand. "My feelings for you are clouding my judgment. We both need to focus on what is important and we can't let this get in the way of the work we have to do. If we come out of this alive, if the wish is still there, we can pursue this further."

I understood him. Without the plotting, scheming, and political sub-text things might have been different between us, although we might never have come together in the first place. I smiled. I was truly relieved. I wouldn't have always been trying to second guess him. "I agree. Although..." my eyes ran over him, remembering how he looked, how he felt, how he smelled. I shut my eyes a moment remembering and opened them. "I will miss what we had." I stood up and reached up to touch his cheek.

He pulled me to him, his one hand behind my neck and the other on my chin as he kissed me. I melted into the kiss, perhaps our last. Even though I was not unhappy to see the affair end, I was choked up by the thought that we might never kiss again. That one or both of us may die in the Blight. When he pulled away from the kiss there were tears rolling down my face.

He smiled wistfully and wiped away my tears.

"I should go." I started to head back to his bedroom.

"Wait, one moment. I've told the guards to admit you at any time. You have free access to the palace. But feel free to come the alternative way too." He pointed to the bedroom window. "If I'm here, I'll let you in. We still need to stay connected closely, right? I'd like daily reports."

I nodded. "Yes, of course."

"One more thing." He crossed the room to a desk and pulled a box out. "I want you to have this." He opened it and took out the lyrium-imbued necklace. He walked across the floor and as he got closer I could hear it singing.

"I..." _I what?_ I was going to refuse the gift at first, but I couldn't turn it away, I burned to possess it. I didn't want to touch it, but I was dying to touch it. I was afraid of it.

He stood behind me and draped it around my neck. I nearly swooned from the feeling of power that coursed through me and around me. He must have seen something of what was happening to me. "What is wrong, Lucy? Are you all right?"

I held up my hand, unable to speak while I was wrestling with the effect of the lyrium. I remembered Wynne's lessons and I closed the door to the Fade, at least as much as I could. The singing diminished and I could think again.

"This is... lyrium." I fingered it. "It's beautiful, Loghain. Thank you."

"The proprietor at the mage shop said it had special protective powers and would help your magic."

I smiled. "I can feel its power." _Understatement of the century, right there. _I kissed Loghain lightly on the lips. "I will send a report tomorrow. Morrigan and I will leave very soon for the Circle Tower."

Loghain nodded.

I narrowed my focus and concentrated like Wynne had taught me, fighting the effects of the lyrium and I transformed. My spell went wild and I turned into a tiger first, then back into myself briefly, finally into a crow. I was glad I didn't shift into a horse in his bedroom.

Loghain looked surprised at my mis-transformation, especially since he'd never seen a tiger before. I hopped onto the window sill and waved at him with one wing, then I flew off into the night. I saw several templars milling about on the ground below Loghain's room, looking around but fortunately not looking up. I flew as fast as I could back to the Grey Warden compound, into my window and I took off the necklace quickly, but felt regret at letting it fall from my hands to my desk.

Then I heard footsteps running down the hall and pounding at my door. I threw it open to see Alistair's worried face. "Lucy! Did you get into the lyrium?" He reached out to take my arm and drain off my mana but I leapt away from him.

"I'm okay! I didn't drink any," I exclaimed, throwing up my hands to show they were empty. Why I reacted like that, I wasn't entirely sure, but it felt a bit like a drug bust. I pointed to the necklace on my desk. "Lyrium in that necklace there. Loghain gave it to me. I had to put it on."

Alistair snatched it up. "I'll hold onto this until Wynne tells me you're okay with it."

My heart gave a strange little thud. I didn't want to be parted from it. "Wait." I put my hand out to touch it but Alistair jerked his hand back. "Lucy... no. Wynne told me what the Chantry would do to you if they found out, Grey Warden or not."

I watched him tuck my necklace into his pocket and frowned. Already I was planning how to search for it and my devious thoughts were scaring me. "You'll need to keep it far from me, it calls to me, Al."

Alistair looked at me closely, his forehead furrowed with concern. "Lucy, I'm worried about you."

I felt his concern keenly; I was worried too. There weren't any Betty Ford clinics for people addicted to lyrium here.

~o~o~o~

_I want a little cardboard sign that says, "Will write for reviews". :) Thanks all of you who review! _

_Biff McLaughlin is my beta-reader and I love her for it! She's got some great stories of her own, you should check them out._

_I know I keep saying this but we're getting close to the end. Maybe three-ish more chapters. I'm writing furiously so I finish before DA2 comes out... don't think I'll make that deadline though.  
_


	48. Free Bird

_**Prior Chapter Review: **Lucy casts a spell under the influence of lyrium and confirms her suspicions that she's got a strange susceptibility to it. Wynne points out that Lucy's ability would scare the chant out of the Chantry and they'd probably neutralize her as a threat, if they knew. Lucy and Loghain quarrel about weapons and Lucy becomes concerned that Loghain might try to force her into revealing secrets she doesn't wish to share. There's a rather violent yet passionate encounter between them and they end up breaking up, amicably, even regretfully, because they realize they must remain allied. Lucy hands over a lyrium necklace to Alistair because it "calls" to her in a way she finds somewhat disturbing._

_**Free Bird**_

_I was free! Free as bird! Mostly because I was a bird, but that wasn't it entirely. I was freed from the difficulties of my relationship with Loghain. Oh, that was a big bag of mixed feelings right there – kind of like those bags of birdseed you can buy at the supermarket with millet, cracked corn, sunflower seeds and peanuts. Deliciousness! Although the half-eaten carcass of a rabbit would be mighty tempting too, or a still squirming mouse with its blood still hot in the veins... knock its head against a tree branch and the squiggling stops, but the blood is still hot. Good thing my shiny feathers are black, otherwise I would look messy. Or perhaps the cool combination of slimy and gritty of a big fat earthworm! Oh shiny object at two o'clock! Dive bomb... eh, someone dropped a copper._

"Morrigan!" I cawed loudly. "HUNGRY!" My vocabulary was limited to about twenty things, most of them dealt with food or danger. But there were some expressions of humor and annoyance and Morrigan responded with annoyance at my incessant hunger.

I was beginning to understand the term bird-brain better as Morrigan and I flew to the Circle Tower to recruit mages. It was a long flight and we weren't migratory birds and not terribly swift, yet we could cover ground far better than even a mounted human. Morrigan thought it might take us three days. As it turned out it took us just over two, but I hadn't accounted for the old saying _as the crow flies. _We didn't have to follow roads or pay attention to obstacles in our way so it was far more direct to fly.

I really wished I had Wynne with us to give us the lowdown on possible mages, but instead I left one of the crystal orbs with her and took one with me, a small one. I taught her the spell and we could communicate, providing she was watching the orb. The night before we got to the tower I sat on the ground and got out my orb and cast the spell. She was puttering about her room but wasn't paying attention to the orb.

"Yo, Wynne!" I said and she jumped and put her hand on her heart.

"Maker's breath, Lucy, you almost finished me off." She came over to the orb and peered into it. The glass distorted her face and gave her a big eye on one side; it was all I could do to keep from laughing.

"We'll probably be at the Tower tomorrow, Wynne. Stay close to the orb so we can consult, okay?"

"I will, dear. You be careful now and stay away from the lyrium! There are templars everywhere there!" She sounded a lot like my mother.

"I will, I promise." I fell into daughter-mode very easily with Wynne, even though we weren't truly all that far apart in ages.

Morrigan and I transformed not far from the little inn outside the Circle Tower and we walked in and ferried across. I was a little nervous. There was nowhere like the Circle Tower where my imposture was likely to give way. Any mage healing me could tell, some even by touching me – that was how Wynne knew. So I would do my best to pretend to be a _mundane_, or a mundy as I preferred to call them.

We were taken upstairs to meet with First Enchanter Irving and there were a lot of curious looks following us. Morrigan in particular inspired a lot of notice. I heard whispers of "apostate" following us. When I heard someone whisper that I tipped my head in a friendly manner and said, "Grey Wardens, actually. Good day."

Irving looked pleased to see me and much healthier than the last time I had seen him. He extended his hand in greeting. I had left my gauntlets on, hoping they would be enough to keep him from being able to tell my oddness. I grasped his hand and greeted him. He did seem taken aback by having his hand encased in my metallic grip.

"Lady Cousland, it is a pleasure to see you again! Do you bring us news of the Blight? I fear I have been worried to see you here again, because I know what is coming. But never fear, I will have mages to help you in your fight."

"Irving, please call me Elissa. I do indeed have news, and no news."

Irving waved for us to sit.

"The archdemon has not appeared on the surface yet, so there is nothing new there now. What is news is that we are preparing. We have raised allies from the dwarves and the Dalish. I myself have been to the Deep Roads and seen the archdemon and the mighty horde he commands."

"Maker's breath," Irving swore. "Do you have any idea when this foulness will bubble up to the surface?"

I shook my head. "None whatsoever. The senior Grey Warden tells me that it could be at any time. Usually the archdemon must spend years increasing the horde before emerging on the surface, but so much time has passed since the last Blight that their numbers were already great. It could happen any day." My gut clenched and I felt cold. We needed time, as much time as possible. We were not ready despite my encouraging words.

"If we're given enough time to get ready, I am very confident of our chances. That is why I am here. We must set up an early warning system so we know when the archdemon has emerged and your mages can play a vital role in this. I have discussed this plan with Teyrn Loghain, who will be commanding the allied armies, and I have his full approval." I handed him a letter that Loghain had written detailing that I was to be given all help possible and it was signed by him and Queen Anora, and sealed with both their seals.

Irving looked intrigued. "Tell me more, Elissa, how do you plan to implement this?"

"Before I say anything, First Enchanter, I must swear you to secrecy." I watched him carefully. "It would be best if the Chantry were to know as little as possible."

Irving nodded and looked about to explode with curiosity so I told him everything about the orbs and we contacted Wynne to demonstrate. Morrigan cast the spell, of course.

When we left the mage tower Irving and Greagoir were still arguing, but Irving had vowed to send me the mages we had selected. Wynne and Irving had talked together through the crystal orb to help us decide on the best, most reliable mages. I thought it would take them two weeks to get to Denerim. We could spend a week training them and then send them off with the scouts and fast-riders that Loghain was putting together.

I checked off one task on my list and hoped, as I did many times each day, that the archdemon would just give us enough time to prepare.

~o~o~o~

Loghain had rounded up the best engineers in Ferelden and they were waiting for me to return. Already they had been shown the drawings for the new ballistae and the ammo. When I returned some of them hailed me as a genius, others as an idiot. They argued back and forth over the feasibility. I explained whatever I could, especially how the ammo should work to cause a sticky flammable substance to explode onto the target at impact. A pair of dwarven brothers was the most helpful of the engineers. The one brother was an engineer, while the other worked with explosives. He was going to help me and Zevran develop what we needed to blow a hole in the archdemon's wing... or burn one through it.

We took Dworkin, the dwarf, with us on one of our _blowing shit up _excursions and we were both impressed. His booms were much bigger than ours. He asked us to procure some lyrium sand for him and he'd give us even bigger explosions.

I shook my head. "I doubt we'll be getting back to the Deep Roads before the archdemon makes an appearance." I didn't mention my own freakish reaction to lyrium.

Dworkin put his head together with his brother, Voldrik, and they made a really neat ballista bolt that we tested on a regular ballista. We blew a nice sized hole in the side of an abandoned barn. I convinced Loghain to come with us and see how it worked. He was quite pleased with our progress. I hoped the new ballistae would be ready in time. Meanwhile they would begin to manufacture the exploding bolts in Denerim.

~o~o~o~

My days became hectic. I met with the engineers daily, even though I really didn't have a lot to say other than explaining bits of the drawing. I didn't know _exactly_ how everything worked on the machine; I just knew it sort of looked like what was drawn. It was up to the engineers to figure out exactly how to do it.

I toyed with the idea of proposing a cannon. I thought it could be done with Dworkin's explosives, but this was a step toward firearms I didn't truly want to take. Besides, it would take a long time to develop a cannon, a completely new technology. Ballista weren't new, just improved.

I spent many hours studying with Wynne, trying to improve my control enough that I could be trusted around lyrium. When I wasn't studying with her, I was practicing on my own. One day I did particularly well... too well even. I found that narrowing my connection to the Fade brought me to a state where I was nearly emotionless. I had fewer extraneous thoughts distracting me. I could even get to the point where I could nearly entirely shut down my connection and continue to function; it was requiring less and less concentration from me. But one day I pushed myself harder and I shut the connection entirely. I wandered around the compound, quietly doing my work, speaking when spoken to, but not really reacting normally. Someone finally pointed out my zombie-like state to Wynne.

"Lucy, you need to reopen your connection to the Fade." Her tone was calm but stern.

I processed her words. "I am fine, Wynne." My reply was in a monotone.

Wynne frowned at me. "I'm very sorry, Lucy, I really don't want to do this." She grabbed my arm and jolted me with a very strong current. I fell to the floor and twitched, for all intents and purposes, tasered.

I lay there a moment blinking stupidly, then I got up. "Wow! That hurt, Wynne." She had rebooted my brain with electricity and, in the process, I reopened my connection to the Fade.

"Next time, don't completely shut the door on the Fade, Lucy. You made yourself tranquil," she sighed. "You always carry everything to the extreme. I never even knew that was possible."

It was interesting. Not bad really. I felt so... _tranquil_. I only wished I could open the door myself once I had shut it. It would be a great way to really focus on my work.

~o~o~o~

"Pull out a nice, long, shiny feather. Just so long as it isn't one I need for flying," I told Morrigan.

"This is going to hurt, you know!" She thought I was nuts. "Why on earth are you doing this?"

"I want to give it to someone as a token of my gratitude."

"There are less painful ways to show gratitude." She indicated I should turn into a crow and I did. "You used to just have sex with people to show gratitude. What changed?"

I cawed the _caw of annoyance_, knowing she would know full well what it meant. She chose a feather and pulled it hard but it didn't come out. I flapped and tried to peck at her. She cursed at me and pulled again. The feather finally came out and she held it up in front of me.

"Here's your silly feather." She set it down on my desk and started to leave my room.

I turned back to human and thanked her.

"It is no trouble." She paused a moment before leaving. "We must talk soon, Lucy. There is a matter I wish to discuss with you."

"Sure, Morri, any time."

I bought a beautifully carved box and put my feather in it and wrote a note to Loghain. It was short and not too sentimental, which I knew he would hate. When I thought about it, I was sending him a part of me, which felt rather creepy. I mean, if I had sent him my little toe or some nail clippings, that would be completely weird, but a feather seemed perfectly okay. Eh, go figure.

~o~o~o~

Riordan and I shared a bed most nights once again, but I was so busy with preparations that I often didn't see him all day. I looked forward to night and being with him. He was my pressure-relief valve. Not just for sex; he was also a good, patient listener and a great cuddler. I was often ratcheted up with tension, worrying over whether or not we'd be ready. He could always calm me down. He also added some sparring sessions to my already crowded schedule, but I needed it, not only because my fighting skills were getting rusty, but the physical exertion helped keep my anxiety in check.

I secretly always let him win because I loved it when he had me pressed against the side of the building with his body against mine, both of us breathing hard.

One morning before we had gotten up Riordan announced he was going to go scouting for signs of archdemon emerging.

"The mages should be here any day, Danny. They'll be deployed in a matter of a few weeks and we'll have instant updates on when the archdemon is spotted. Surely we can wait a few weeks?"

He kissed me and wrapped me into his embrace. "For all we know they might be digging out now. Someone has to look for signs until we've got your mages in place. I don't want to go, but it's better I do that than stay here and do nothing."

Ah, of course. I was busy all day long, meeting with the engineers, Loghain, blowing shit up, training with Wynne and he felt useless. "How do you intend to find them? Ferelden is a big place."

"Sometimes I can listen in, as it were." He nibbled on my ear lobe, trying to distract me.

"Stop it." I pushed him away and turned to look at him seriously. "Listen in? Like you can tap into their hive mind or something?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes, yes. I can hear an echo of the archdemon's desires in their minds."

I shivered. "Yuck. Are their desires like... bring me that hot broodmother with the extra row of breasts and those long luscious tentacles? Or are they like desires for a ham sandwich?"

Riordan laughed. "No, I can hear his orders echoing through the empty heads of the hurlocks and genlocks."

I shook my head. "Maker, I hope this is one skill I don't pick up on." I knew it was useless to argue with him. "I can probably get away from here for a while. I'm not really adding much value to the meetings of the engineers and my studies with Wynne can be put on hold. When do we leave?"

Riordan smiled and pulled me to him again, nibbling once more at my neck and earlobe. His voice rumbled in his chest. "_We_ don't leave, I do. I'll set out tomorrow morning."

I tried to push him away again. "What do you mean? You're not going alone."

He ignored my attempts to push him away and continued with his attack on my erogenous zones. "Umm, yes it is exactly what I'm going to do. I'll travel faster."

I squirmed, trying to get away but he pinned my hands down. Then my legs. "Danny! Don't try to change the subject."

"Who me?" He feigned innocence. "I just have a broodmother with large breasts and impossibly long tentacles to ravish." He nipped at my neck and I surrendered with a moan.

We argued about it all that day but I couldn't persuade him otherwise. He thought he would be gone three weeks, maybe less.

The morning he left he told me, "I've asked Zevran to stay on top of your training." He gave me a sly smile and winked. "Poor lad has been a bit neglected since Loghain threw you out."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "He didn't dump me. It was mutual."

"Right." He grinned at me. He knew I didn't mind being teased. "Nonetheless you, my love, need to keep your fighting skills sharp." He mounted the horse I'd cajoled from Loghain for his trip.

My knees nearly melted out from under me when he called me "my love". I reached up to grasp his hand one more time. "Be careful, Danny. Come back to me soon."

He caressed my cheek. "I'll be back before Zevran steals you from me permanently."

"Take this for luck." I handed him one of my feathers. I had Morrigan rip out another one. I was going to look like I was molting if I kept this up.

Riordan kissed my feather and put it inside his cuirass, into a pocket next to his heart. "I will carry your token proudly." He blew me a kiss and then set off.

I would have yet another worry to add to my growing list of things to fret over.

~o~o~o~

It was during my second hour of practicing the tortuously tiny spells Wynne was having me cast that day when it occurred to me that I'd gotten a whole lot better at controlling the size, duration, and power of my spells. I remembered how much fun sex with Bendrick had been with his spells. They required that sort of control, even when extremely distracted. Surely that would be far better practice than shoving around dust motes.

"Wynne... I had an idea how this course of study could be a lot more fun and made far more relevant ." I tried to keep the grin off my face, but that required a sort of control of which I had none.

"Oh? The training devised by generations of the leading enchanters in several nations isn't adequate to the task? I must hear this."

"Tsk Wynne, sarcasm doesn't become a woman of your age." I immediately activated my Fade shield and was glad I did; the lightning bolt didn't hurt half as bad as it would have otherwise.

Wynne chuckled at me, knowing full well I was kidding. "All right, Lucy, what is your plan of study?"

I let the grin loose. "Sex magic!"

Wynne sighed heavily. "Maker help me, woman. You make me want to petition the Chantry to bring back the dampen ardor spell."

I explained my plan fully and she did agree with me that it was the sort of thing I should master. However, she pointed out that there were other ways of being distracted while attempting to control magic.

"So..." I looked at her slyly, "do _you_ know any sex magic? You must have had a libido once, before the Chantry chanted it out of you."

She shook her head and sighed again. She looked around the room to make sure we were alone. "Your generation didn't invent sex magic, you know." Then she told me everything I could ever want to know about sex magic but was afraid to ask.

~o~o~o~

I was staring pensively out the kitchen window at nothing at all thinking about Riordan and hoping he was all right. Sometimes I reached out with my Warden spidey-sense and tried to sense him. Of course, he was way out of range. But then I thought about what it would feel like if he were dead and decided it would be exactly like this.

_Clunk._

I almost jumped out of my skin and turned to see Zevran. He was in full armor and had his weapons on. He had my staff, formerly Bendrick's, and had set it on the floor. "Come on, Warden, you brood over that man anymore and you'll turn into a broodmother." His smile sharpened. "He left me strict instructions to make sure you stay on top of your training." He narrowed his eyes. "He wasn't specific about the sort of training either, but for now let's assume he meant weapons training."

The look on Zevran's face made me shiver. It reminded me of that wild night in Orzammar. "I'd better go put my armor on, then."

"Hurry then. Do not keep your master waiting."

I snorted derisively and sauntered to my room to change, making sure I took my time.

When I finally joined him in the training yard he gave me a look that promised my slow response would be rewarded with pain. Ah, he always knew how to bring out my defiant streak. I'm sure he did it on purpose and I always responded predictably with open rebellion.

"No magic, today, carina. Just use the staff as a weapon."

I groaned but agreed. I could see his point. When I wasn't depending on magic, I used to be a better fighter because it was all I had.

"In guardia!" He saluted me and drew his blunted daggers.

Several minutes later I was sweating gallons and lying on the ground with Zevran pinning me down, his blunted daggers at my throat.

"Ow," I complained.

He smiled enigmatically. "Riordan has been going too easy on you. That ends today, cara. You're better than this, or you used to be. You've gotten too dependent on your magic." He got off me and I stood up.

I was about to heal myself and he reached out with his hand to stop me. "No magic, Lucy."

"But..."

He interrupted my protest. "Tch! No magic. Pain is an important teacher."

Then he made me drill for what seemed like forever, until I couldn't hold my staff any longer. He finally allowed me to stop and I stood before him in an agony of sore, jellied muscles.

"Remember this, Lucia. Remember how your muscles have nothing more to give you after a mere hour of drilling. Tomorrow, if you were like most of us, your muscles would be screaming, and _that_ my dear is what turns a fighter into a _warrior. _All this healing, soothing away of pain, and erasing weariness blunts your skills."

"Zev, I'm a mage too. You can't take away half of my skills and expect all that much." I was getting cranky with my fatigue.

He laughed. "That's where you're wrong. I expect much. When your Danny returns I expect you to win half your battles with him." He relented and nodded. "Go ahead and fix yourself, you've earned it. Then let's see about using that big tub, yes?"

I healed my poor, devastated muscles and rejuvenated myself. The big tub seemed like a really good idea all of a sudden. "There's something else you can help me with, Zev." I couldn't suppress my grin.

"Oh? This should be good."

I waggled my eyebrows. "Let's hope so. After much consultation with Wynne we've decided to change my magic curriculum a bit. I have certain spells that require a delicate touch or they could become painful. Since the goal is for me to be able to control my magic very precisely in all sorts of situations I need to practice this while involved in distracting... endeavors."

Zevran listened to my obtuse description. "You want me to distract you?" A smile spread over his face.

I nodded and whispered, "Wynne taught me sex magic, Zev."

His eyes flew open wide. "Wynne?"

"Wynne. That woman has a past, let me tell you."

He shook his head, like he was trying to resolve the prudish mage we all knew and loved with what I was telling him. "That you could talk Wynne into teaching you sex magic – I am impressed, Lucia, truly. You have a silvered tongue..." He grabbed my arm and began to walk to the compound, dragging me behind him. "...which we must put to good use."

~o~o~o~

To add to my list of activities, Anora asked that we also begin reporting to her. Every few days she would invite us to join her for a meal, or tea. I suspected that the meeting was a ruse. She probably got updates from Loghain and really just wanted to see Alistair. I caught on quickly even though Alistair seemed oblivious. I started to have Alistair deliver the report. It was confidence building for him. Anora listened raptly. I would need to discuss this with him. It seemed a little humorous after everything with Eamon that Alistair might end up king anyway. Ah, the universe must be laughing at us.

That evening I wanted to take a stroll with Alistair and talk to him. "Alistair, let's go for a walk down to the docks."

"Why? Are you wanting to roll some drunks?" He looked at me suspiciously.

"No, I thought it might be pretty to watch the sunset from there and we could... talk. We haven't had one of our chats in a long time." I thought back to some of our chats in the past... they'd usually led to him retreating in embarrassment.

"All right." He agreed, but he seemed a bit suspicious.

We talked of Grey Warden things on the way. He asked me about my relationship with Riordan. I think I actually blushed and I gave a very evasive answer. Then he wanted to know about Zevran and how he fit into our relationship. Somehow Alistair had turned the tables on me. I figured I'd be embarrassing him, not the other way around.

"We, uh, both like Zevran. I suppose we're polyamorous." I rushed over it, looking for something else to talk about.

"So do you..." He looked at me with a puzzled look on his face.

"Yes."

"Yes? How do you know what I was going to ask?"

"Because whatever you ask, the answer is probably yes." I was just being preemptively honest. "Oh look!" I pointed at the sky. "Isn't that a lovely sunset?" Quick change of subject.

Alistair stepped over a drunk and looked at the sunset. "Yeah, it's nice." He looked back at me. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"Have you noticed anything about Anora during our meetings with her?" I looked out at the sunset.

"Not really. She's been very nice to us. Oh wait! I think she changed her hair. Is that it?" Alistair rubbed his hand across his hair, thinking.

"Hmmm, now that you mention it, yes she has changed her hair. But other than that... is there anything that strikes you as unusual?"

He pondered a moment and shook his head. "Not really. Why?"

I smiled. "Okay, don't get nervous but haven't you noticed how she looks at you a lot, kind of looks up at you through her eyelashes? When she takes the written report from you, her fingers sort of caress yours? You seriously haven't noticed any of that?"

Alistair put his hand up to his mouth and his eyes went wide. "Maker's..." He was at a loss for words. "She's... the Queen! Wha...why... I mean, I'm practically related to her!"

I turned and looked at him. "No you're not, not by blood anyway. She fancies you, Al!"

He looked scared. "What does she want from me? Do you think she wants to get married? I don't want to be... king!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Not every relationship needs to result in marriage, Al. Take it from me. Maybe she just wants to get to know you better. It may not be anything serious, but I think you really should perhaps flirt back a little. She's a very lovely woman and quite nice. Right? She's probably very lonely since Cailan died."

He nodded. "She is beautiful, actually. But she's so... inaccessible, I never thought anyone like her would look at me."

I shook my head. "Silly Al. You're a hunk. Women are constantly ogling you. You've become a lot more confident in the last few months. Women find that sexy. That and cooking skills."

"Cooking skills? What... Oh, not fair. This is another attack on my stew?" He looked confused.

I shook my head. "Oh, no. Sorry, I just always had a thing for men who can cook well, at least on my world. Mmmmm, Chef Ming, Alton Brown, Bobby Flay..."

Alistair recovered from his shock eventually and promised to think about what I had told him. I rather hoped he'd let down his hair for a change. I gave him suggestions for responding to her flirtations. The best I could get from him was that "he'd think about it". I thought we had come a fair ways from the days he would retreat into his tent blushing madly.

~o~o~o~

The mages arrived and Morrigan, Wynne and I were busy preparing them. The scouts and fast-riders reported to Loghain for their instructions. I had to hide my own magical ability but I wanted to be present for their training. We decided to keep one mage with us in Denerim to help us watch the globes. Wynne recommended Petra for that task. I would have to take her into my confidences about my magical ability, but Wynne trusted her.

The other twelve mages would go to the six locations Loghain had picked, along with a pair of scouts and a fast-riding messenger. The messenger was a backup method, just in case something went wrong.

The mages were excited and happy to be out of the tower. I promised them all I'd do everything I could to ensure that their freedom would continue beyond their current assignment. I just hoped none of them would make a run for it. I needed them!

We felt confident of their abilities after a week of training and we sent them off to man their posts. They each had two globes; one was a spare in case they broke one. We kept a matching pair of globes in Denerim, which was attuned to their globes. We set up a room in the compound which we would staff continuously to watch the globes for communications. Even if it was a non-mage watching, they could run and fetch one of us if anyone showed up in the globe.

~o~o~o~

We finally had a prototype of the six-shot ballista. It worked reasonably well, but the range was sub-par. The engineers were arguing over how to improve it. The auto-loading ballista was proving to be much more difficult. Loghain finally decided to scrap it for now and concentrate on the other design. I was starting to think we wouldn't have it ready in time. I thought it might take months yet. Loghain was very happy with the exploding bolts. If nothing else, at least we could use them in the existing ballistae. Loghain was keeping Sandal busy putting fire runes on as many of them as possible.

~o~o~o~

Three weeks passed far more quickly than I had thought possible. I kept my Warden senses primed so I could know when Riordan was back. Every day I hoped it would be that day, but each day I was disappointed. When the third week was over even Zevran was challenged to find new ways to distract me from my brooding.

~o~o~o~

_Thanks so much for the reviews! They truly make my day. I had a disastrous desktop problem trying to remove an old driver and now... *sob* bad things happened, then even worse things happened. Wish me luck as I try to recover the disk on that system, thank goodness I have my stories on (check that out, a free neat service!). _

_My eternal gratitude for Biff McLaughlin who does such a great job of beta reading!_


	49. High Anxiety

_**Prior Chapter Summary**__: Lucy and Morrigan recruit mages to attend to the orbs in remote locations to report on darkspawn activity. Riordan takes off for a patrol, looking for clues as to what the archdemon is planning next. Lucy wheedles the secrets of sex-magic from Wynne, who apparently wasn't always quite the goody-two shoes she is now. Zevran is a harsh taskmaster, adding grueling weapons training to her already busy schedule, but he's also willing to help her with her magical studies... cough, cough. Lucy clues in Alistair to Anora's interest. Riordan should be back in Denerim any day now. Lucy is very worried about him._

**High Anxiety**

"I want to try lyrium again." I made my appeal to the Alistair and Wynne, the Buzz-Kill Twins I called them inside my head.

Wynne considered for a moment and turned to Alistair. "I think she's ready to try again. She's studied hard and her control is excellent. Better than most mages. Truly, I've never seen anyone shut the door on the Fade completely until she did it." She looked at me sternly. "Not that I recommend it."

I put my hand up to my mouth to hide my smile. _Oh yes, I have been studying hard, so to speak. Thanks to Zev._ I nodded. "Yes, Wynne has given me a lot of pointers." I elbowed her slightly in the ribs.

"Most mages don't have the sort power that Lucy does when she has drunk lyrium, Wynne." Alistair pointed out.

She nodded. "That is true, but we need to see if this course of study is helping or not."

"Oh, it's helping!" I couldn't help guffawing and Wynne did her best to hide her own amusement behind a scowl.

Alistair gave in and we three went out of town on a fact-finding mission, to see if indeed I could control my magic while on lyrium. Morrigan was not invited this time, given how she always seemed to try to encourage me to push against the boundaries I very much needed.

We used lyrium potions again, since it seemed like the lyrium necklace was something that didn't wear off. If I could control myself with the potion, then perhaps they would allow me the necklace. We went in a different direction this time, just in case the templars were watching the old area, and I repeated the unenhanced cone of cold. Then Wynne handed me half of a bottle of lyrium.

I took the bottle and held it up to the sunlight, splashing its contents about the bottle. "Fine legs, a bright appearance."

Wynne and Alistair exchanged looks.

I uncorked it and sniffed. "A light bouquet, reminiscent of Chateau Moreau '23." Then I poured some into my mouth. "A touch baked, chewy even, and yet it has a clean, grassy finish." I swallowed and glugged down the rest. I felt the familiar flow of power through my veins and closed my door on the Fade bit by bit as I felt my power surge. My thoughts became a little grandiose and strange possibilities began to suggest themselves so I shut the door more. It made a huge difference. Every time I felt those manic feelings increase, I just shut the door to the Fade a bit more. Finally it seemed I had absorbed as much power from the lyrium as was possible and I nodded at Wynne.

She looked at me warily. "How do you feel?"

I blinked and smiled. I wasn't gritting my teeth against losing control this time. I just _was_ in control. "I feel fine. Perhaps a little more powerful than normal but I don't feel like I have to try too hard to keep it in control. Am I leaking at all?"

Alistair shook his head. "Not a bit. You do seem to be keeping it appropriately bottled up."

"Very good," Wynne said. "I'd like to see you burn that dried bush with a very small fireball."

I held out a hand and a tiny ball of flame materialized and I threw it like a softball. _Hmmm... that was new. _I was able to guide it with my mind and it hit the bush squarely and ignited.

Wynne blinked. "Interesting... I never saw anyone actually throw a fireball with their hand before. Do it the proper way."

I conjured a ball into the air and it flew to its destination as it normally does. But I liked holding the fire in my hand, it felt nice. I decided that was probably weird and I shouldn't scare Wynne and Alistair. "How was that?"

"Decent, Lucy. Can you go smaller?" Wynne wanted to see how tiny I could make my magic.

I handed Wynne a twig and asked her to hold it. She looked a little worried, but she did it. I pointed my finger at it and said "Bang!" like I was shooting a gun. The end of the twig ignited. My finger even smoked a bit so I blew on it like were a six-shooter. I laughed so hard I nearly cried and Wynne and Alistair just looked at me with glassy eyes, not understanding what was so funny. It was difficult sometimes not having an audience that could appreciate my sense of humor. "How's that?"

"You do love the dramatic, don't you?" Wynne shook her head and dropped the twig and stomped on it.

"Now what? Doesn't this pretty well prove I've got it under control?" I looked at Alistair. "Can I have my necklace?"

He shook his head. "You can control it now, but what if you're distracted?"

Distraction was what Zev and I had been working on. "Been working on that too, Al. It's not the sort of thing I do in front of audiences, though. At least not without getting really drunk."

"Oh, for Andraste's sake, Lucy, just spar, it doesn't have to be sex." Wynne gave me thatlook.

"All right then, Al, let's do it!"

"You mean spar?" Al asked, his eyes darting nervously.

I looked at him and shook my head. "I'm not drunk, Al. Yes, spar."

We drew our weapons and I stepped half-way into the Fade, through the wee crack in the door. Wynne gasped. I looked down at myself and saw I looked transparent. I pulled back a wee bit and I became more opaque. _That was weird. _

We fought as we usually did, only my reflexes seemed better, my responses much faster. Once Alistair was about to slam me with his shield and I wasn't there. He nearly fell on his face with surprise. I pressed my elbow against his back, I was behind him.

"Maker, Lucy... how did you do that?" He gaped at me in astonishment.

I shook my head. "I'm not sure exactly. If I were on my world I would say I opened up a wormhole in the space-time continuum and popped out somewhere else. I suppose the explanation here is that I somehow crossed through the Fade. It seemed to use a lot of mana." I felt some of my lyrium high wearing off. "Come on, my lyrium is wearing off. Let's see what happens if we keep going."

He attacked again and I was still moving quickly, but I couldn't seem to pop through the Fade again. Eventually the lyrium wore off and I was back to normal, although extremely worn out and fatigued, far more so than usual.

I looked at the Buzz-Kill Twins. "May I have my lyrium necklace now?"

Alistair and Wynne looked at one another, their concern was apparent. I was touched by their concern, yet also annoyed. However, I knew if I showed my annoyance I might not get the necklace; it would have shown how badly I wanted it. That should have served as warning, but I never let eagerness to drink a chocolate milkshake actually deter me from drinking a chocolate milkshake. Why should this be any different? It all sounded quite reasonable in my mind.

"What happens if she falls asleep?" Alistair asked. "Do mages cast spells in their sleep? Can she control it when she's asleep?"

Wynne nodded. "It's been known to happen. Perhaps another experiment would be useful. She could have some lyrium before bedtime."

I grinned, knowing well I'd be spending the night with Zevran and seeing what, if anything, I could do under the influence of lyrium with him.

Wynne shook her head, reading my happy grin correctly. "That would defeat the purpose, Lucy. We need to see what happens when you're brimming full of lyrium and asleep."

_Drat! Foiled again. _My grin faded into a pout.

"Alistair and I will have to stay with you, just in case."

Alistair looked at Wynne in alarm. "Sleep with her?"

I waggled my brows suggestively. "You could just tie me to the bed if you don't trust me."

Alistair went red to the roots of his hair. "That... won't be necessary. I'll sleep in a chair."

"I, however, have no intention of sleeping in a chair. You can tell that assassin to find somewhere else to sleep tonight."

"Are you sure, Wynne? He's a lot of fun." I turned my waggling eyebrows on her.

"Quite sure!" she said so starchily my shirt collar nearly rose up to salute her.

~o~o~o~

Alistair handed me a bit of lyrium in a cup. I raised the glass to salute him and Wynne too and tossed it back. I sighed as the warmth spread through my capillaries and veins and slowly, regretfully pulled shut the door on the Fade to prevent the manic thoughts and feelings. "Yum." Lyrium tastes a bit like mineral water but I was becoming fond of the taste. It could use a bit of carbonation though.

Alistair settled into the large overstuffed chair with the ottoman and pulled a thick down comforter around himself. Wynne had her hair tucked into a nightcap and she wore a warm, long nightgown. She smelled distinctly of old lady, but at least it was a clean scent. I was modestly attired in loose breeches and a loose shirt. I usually slept without the bottoms, but I didn't want to accidentally offend the sensibilities of my two, more modest, overnight guests.

"How do you feel, Lucy?" Alistair asked. He sounded concerned.

"I feel just like I did this afternoon, completely in control." I nodded reassuringly.

Wynne yawned and settled onto her pillow. "Well then, Maker grant us a peaceful night."

As she settled back onto her pillow her eyes went shut and moments later she began to snore. I'd never seen anyone fall asleep so quickly. I laid down myself but then felt immediately wide awake. "Are you comfy, Al? That chair doesn't look very comfortable."

"I'm fine. Let's get some sleep, shall we?" He snuggled back in the chair and looked about to drowse off.

I looked over at the nightstand. I'd forgotten my water. "Oops, I forgot my glass of water." I _had _to have my glass of water next to me in case I got thirsty. I had my bedtime ritual I had to follow, otherwise I'd have a tough time falling asleep.

Alistair roused. "What? Oh, you want a glass of water. Well, stay there I'll get it."

"I can get it."

"No, you might wake Wynne." He got up.

I looked over at Wynne; I didn't think much was going to wake her. "I doubt it. But thank you all the same."

He returned in a few minutes with my glass of water, actually only half-full. I drank it down. "I actually need more than that. I was already thirsty." I started to get out of bed to refill it and he stopped me.

"Stay, I'll fill it up." He picked up the glass and went back downstairs to get more.

He returned with a full cup this time and handed it to me. "Thanks, Al." I put the glass next to me on the nightstand.

"Okay, go to sleep then, all right?" He nestled into the chair again.

I lay back down but my mind refused to settle. The lyrium was like a potent cup of coffee in me. Bad idea to drink it right before bed. I decided to try some of Wynne's mini-spell exercises to see if they would relax me. I poked a finger out from under my blankets and sent tiny sparks flying into the fireplace. There was little zot sound as each spark flew.

"Lucy, what are you doing?" Alistair's voice sounded annoyed in the dark room.

"I can't sleep. I'm just trying to relax with some of the exercises Wynne taught me."

Alistair sighed. "Can't you just, I don't know, meditate or something? You shouldn't be casting spells it'll drain off the lyrium."

I sighed. "I suppose. The lyrium has me a bit wired. I don't know if my mind is settled enough to meditate. I'll try."

"Good." Alistair said nothing more and all was quiet.

I closed my eyes and tried to meditate but I couldn't still my whirling mind. I began to visualize sheep in a pasture and tried to count them but they milled around too much. So then I decided to try to count all the darkspawn I'd killed. That would keep me busy awhile. I was trying to remember how it had been in the tower. I was debating whether or not to count the ogre as several darkspawn because he was so nasty, when Alistair started to make little noises. I carefully got out of bed and stood over him, watching him in the dying firelight. His face twitched and he shifted around restlessly._ Aw! So cute, he's dreaming. _I wondered if his hands would twitch and paddle like my cat's paws did.

"ARGH!" he shouted and sat bolt upright. "What are you doing?"

I smiled. "Oh, you were dreaming. I was just checking on you. I still can't sleep."

He sighed. "Lucy, the whole point of this experiment is to see what happens when _you _sleep."

I shrugged. "Unfortunately that stuff revs me up, Al. I'm ready to party, not sleep."

"Get back in bed, I'll tell you a story. Maybe that will help."

I didn't think it would, but the notion tickled me. I burrowed under my blankets and Alistair sat on the side of my bed, looking very bleary-eyed.

"Tell me a story about a squirrel, Daddy." I giggled.

"All right. Once upon a time there was a squirrel named Squery, the squirrel." Alistair began. His voice was sing-songy, sort of hypnotic, and the story was dull and repetitive. The combined effect was soporific. Despite the fact I had a gigajoule of lyrium coursing through my veins, I fell asleep.

_It__ is time. All the somedays and tomorrows have run out and our lurking doom is here. Existence is now measured in hours, perhaps minutes. This is the moment when the future ceases to exist for some, perhaps all, of us._

_The archdemon stands before us, his reptilian eyes glow a malevolent yellow, a color I doubt anyone would want to paint their kitchen. I look around and everyone I know is here: Loghain, Alistair, Riordan, Zevran, Wynne... everyone. For some reason they are looking at me. I turn around and see troops of dwarves and Dalish archers and a complement of mages. They are all looking at me too. Why? I thought Loghain was leading this army. I look down and see I am naked. Oh damn! It figures I'd show up at the greatest battle in nearly four hundred years, naked. I throw my head back and laugh in defiance at the archdemon. I really hope everyone thinks that I have shown up naked on purpose. They might think I'm so insouciant about this that I decided to go without clothes just to make it more challenging. _

_The archdemon takes to wing and all around me are the ballistae I had a hand in designing. I see they're enchanted and__ loaded with my exploding ammo. I feel a moment of pride that my invention will bring down the archdemon. Soldiers take aim and Loghain gives the order to fire. The weapons break apart and bolts go flying everywhere and start numerous ground fires. The archdemon strafes overhead and blasts the rows of alliance troops with magical fire and they fall dead._

_I sure wish I'd worn clothes to this final confrontation._

_The archdemon seems to chuckle as it strafes us. We duck and dodge and survive that pass._

"_I'm going to ground the archdemon. Otherwise we're sitting ducks." Riordan says. He looks at me grimly, one last time, and runs for the edge of the rooftop we are standing on. The archdemon flies by and he jumps, miraculously landing on its back. _

_I watch him struggle to stay on its back as the archdemon swoops around. He plunges his sword into a wing and the archdemon tries to dislodge him. He hangs on somehow, just barely, but his sword slices through the archdemon's wing like through heavy canvas and then he slides off the end of the wing._

_I scream as I watch the man I love plummet to his death. He's too far away for me to save. But the archdemon can barely fly now and it lands on the roof of Fort Drakon. I am consumed with fury and grief. My magic swells, drawing upon the lyrium necklace I'm wearing. I snatch open Wynne's pack and swallow several full vials of lyrium. My body contorts with my rage and I grow. My skin becomes green and scaly. My cries turn into roars and everyone runs away screaming in terror. They're tiny, small as ants. I'm careful not to step on them or the miniature houses around me as I make my way, stepping ponderously but carefully, to Fort Drakon. My tail is too clumsy though, a massive green thing that sometimes sweeps the roof off a house. I try not to swish it in anger. _

_I am at Fort Drakon and the roof is just at the top of my shoulders. My eyes meet those of the archdemon and I see fear in them. I roar my fury... "YOU KILLED MY LOVE!" It comes out as an unintelligible cacophony, only the pain and anger are recognizable. Laser beams shoot from my eyes and burn deep wounds into his side. He screams in agony and I reach out with an enormous, green, reptilian claw and pull one of his wings off. The archdemon backs away from me, looking like a frightened kitten._

_What am I? As if in answer to my question I suddenly see myself, as if from a distance... I'm Godzilla! Whoa... too much lyrium. I make the best of it. I pick up the archdemon in my enormous claws and I bite off his snake head and spit it into the harbor. I bang his headless body against Fort Drakon._

_A bright light comes from the archdemon and I feel his last assault on me. "Mine!" his voice screams in my head. He feels a tremendous joy at stealing such a powerful vessel as I am, or Godzilla is. "NO!" I roar and clutch my head, staggering with the struggle going on inside me. Unfortunately, I crush buildings in the process and then reel drunkenly into the palace and crush the east wing. Oops. _

_More tiny ant-people run screaming through the streets of Denerim. I try hard not to step on them but the pressure in my skull is growing and it blinds me. I stumble and try to make my way to the harbor. If I can get into the water the town will be safe from me. Finally I feel wood under my feet just before I crash through the docks and into the water. It comes up to my waist. _

_I scream in agony and fury as we battle for control over my...this body. "NOOOOO!" I roar. "Yes! Mine!" the archdemon screams in my head. The archdemon has control of my body, then I have it. We're wrestling over it. Godzilla is thrashing in the harbor. Ships turn into matchsticks; giant waves are washing up on the shore. I am going to lose this battle and the archdemon will win! But I feel the pull of lyrium still. I still have the necklace somehow! I draw on it and my power surges. I battle back the ravaging consciousness of the archdemon. Somehow with the pure force of my will I begin to push it out of my mind. _

_Then, quite suddenly, the presence of the archdemon is gone. I turn around and look at Denerim. It's a shambles...sorrow...realization I did this. I wail with misery: Denerim destroyed, my dead lover... I just want to curl up into a little ball and escape from all of it, a little... warm... furry...ball... pretend this never happened._

"Lucy?" I felt a finger poke me in the ribs. I opened my eyes and Alistair was looming over me like a giant. I jumped up, chittering in fear, my tail bristling, looking for a way to escape. Then I realized why my perspective was wrong... I was a small, furry animal. "Lucy... why are you a squirrel?"

I squeaked and changed back to human. I was puzzled and disoriented. That dream had seemed so real... it must have been the lyrium. "I find it cozy to be an animal when I sleep," I lied. I didn't want them to realize I had cast a spell in my sleep. Even stranger it was an animal form I'd never studied.

Wynne sat up and looked at me. "Well, that seemed to go well. It is morning and Lucy didn't incinerate anything." She smiled at me proudly. I doubt she would have been so happy had she been a witness to my dream. "I think we can trust her with the necklace, Alistair. What do you think?"

Alistair looked at me and considered a moment. "I suppose so. The night passed peacefully enough."

I smiled broadly, feeling a bit deceptive, but pleased that I had passed a harrowing of my own.

~o~o~o~

I shivered a little as I fastened the necklace around my neck. I could feel the power pulsing at my throat. It seeped into my pores at a steady trickle, but I knew I could pull the power out of the necklace at a faster rate. I briefly thought of the dream and laughed. That was the mother of all anxiety dreams.

Despite my rough night I felt good. I got dressed in my armor and ran down the stairs. I swirled to avoid collisions with the servants and alighted in a chair at the dining table with several others of our company.

"Well, you look in fine form this morning, Lucia," Zevran commented. "I trust your night passed uneventfully?"

I smiled happily and fingered the necklace around my neck. "Indeed."

Zevran shook his head. "Tsk, more's the pity. Eventful nights are my favorite sort." He stretched, looking like a cat. "If you can spare the time we should go to the Pearl today, carina. I have a friend I want you to meet."

I looked at him dubiously. "At the Pearl? Is this a... um... sex-trade worker?" That sounded better than prostitute or whore.

Zevran laughed. "No. It is a sea captain. I thought she might be able to teach you some tricks you haven't learned yet."

My eyes darted around suspiciously. "What're we talking about here, Zev? Sailing tricks? It is a whorehouse and when people say tricks in that context..." my voice rose into the squeaky range, "...my imagination runs wild."

He laughed again. "I'll just let your imagination work on that, you'll find out soon enough." His eyes raked my body slowly, leaving smoldering furrows behind. "You'll need your armor, mia cara, and your weapons."

"Oh? Kinky then?" I asked.

He chuckled throatily. "That depends on you, dolcezza Lucia, entirely on you."

I quickly changed into my gear and ran back downstairs, curious about Zevran's expedition. I had ceased to forget that many months ago Zevran tried to kill me. I rarely thought of him as an assassin, especially since he saved my life at Redcliffe. From that day forth, I trusted him as much as anyone.

He was a friend, a confidant, and a lover. I often puzzled over the strange relationship we had, Riordan, Zevran and myself. As we walked to the Pearl I wanted to ask him about it. I wasn't quite sure how to do it in a way that would yield an honest, heart-felt answer. I wasn't sure if such an answer could ever be forthcoming from him. Some guys just didn't ever really talk about feelings. I could accept that... but I was a woman, I had to at least try.

We stopped at the Market District and I bought us cups of the tea that many Fereldans drink in the morning. "Do they have coffee in Antiva? Dark, rich tasting, a little bitter. If you drink too much you get jittery? It comes from little beans, I think they're greenish brown until you roast them, then they turn brown."

"Caffè, yes? It sounds like what you describe." He looked at me with wonder. "Do you have this drink where you are from?"

I nod. "I miss it terribly."

He nodded and grimaced. "As do I. You will have to come to Antiva, I think you'd like our caffè, and, ah, the food is to die for." He looked into the cup of light brown tea I had purchased for him and gestured at it. "This... imposter... is laughable. No wonder Fereldans are such unhappy people, their food is bland and they have no caffè."

We sat down on the steps to building and sipped our... not-coffee.

"Zev, do you find it strange to sleep with both Danny and me?" I watched his face closely.

He tilted his head curiously and looked at me just as closely. "It is an unusual arrangement, yes, even for me. These things usually are larks, they last a week or two then, ffft! Someone gets possessive or jealous and that is it. The plump contralto sings and the aria is over. "

"Possessiveness and jealousy seem silly when you expect to die." I bit at my thumbnail until Zevran yanked it from my mouth and chided me. "You're not doing this because of that oath you swore, are you? I would be sad, devastated even, if you left, but I only want you with us if that's what you want."

He smiled. "I have no intention of leaving you or your dashing Danny. I don't like leaving a job undone."

I snorted. "Job? Is that what we are to you? A job?" I tried to poke him in the ribs but his armor was in the way.

He sighed theatrically. "Yes, work, work, work! You are an exhausting taskmistress, especially when you expect me to perform for you night after night. Your Danny had better return home soon before you wear my cazzo out."

"Of course, if you would like time off all you have to do is ask!" I scowled at him, knowing he was playing. "I can always read a book."

He shook his head stoically. "No, Lucia, I know you need to practice your magic. It is my duty to see you get your practice in." He sidled closer to me on the step and put an arm around my waist. He put his mouth right next to my ear and his warm breath huffed into it. "Besides, I have tonight's lesson plan all ready. That little lightning spell needs work, I think."

I smiled smugly and finished my not-coffee. I kissed him on the tip of the ear. "Buona, mio bello. I look forward to it. Now, shall we carry on with this mysterious errand of yours?"

He grimaced at my butchering of his language. "Yes. Remind me to work on your Antivan with you. Your magic isn't the only thing that needs practice."

We got up and walked to the Pearl, Denerim's premiere whorehouse. I was too busy laughing and joking with Zevran to pay much attention to our route, not noticing that he took me through the back-alleys, a shortcut that was sometimes fraught with gangs of thieves. We were getting close to the Pearl, walking through one last alley, when I heard a loud noise of rattling chains. I whipped around in surprise and saw a portcullis dropping behind us. I looked at Zevran; he looked as puzzled as I was. Then someone stepped out into the sunlight and I saw Zevran's face change, whoever it was he recognized him.

He was tall, human, dark-haired and ruggedly handsome. "So, here is the mighty Grey Warden at long last. The Crows send their greetings once again."

I was at a bit of a loss, so I fell back to my default position: politeness. "Oh, hi! I don't think we've been introduced, I'm..."

"Elissa Cousland, of course." The dark-haired man smiled. "Yes, we know that. Don't we, Zevran?" He sauntered down the stairs of the building where he had been lurking. "I am Taliesin, Antivan Crow and long time friend of that handsome elf escorting you."

I held out my hand and smiled warmly. "I am delighted to meet a friend of Zevran's."

Taliesin looked at Zevran and cautiously took my hand. "Charmed." He looked surprised. "Um, sorry... I just didn't expect..."

Zevran laughed a short, bitter laugh. "He didn't expect you to be pleasant, our marks rarely react with such equanimity."

"I always say let bygones be bygones. Of course, I'm not a mark any more. Loghain and the Grey Wardens are allied now. Surely he canceled that contact, right?"

Taliesin looked regretful but spoke kindly. "If he did, it must have happened after I left Antiva. I'm so terribly sorry, but I am afraid I will have to kill you. Orders, and all." He turned to Zevran. "Zev, we can make up a story about your little leave of absence and you can return to Antiva with me. No one needs be the wiser."

I turned to Zevran, remembering his words of this morning: _"I don't like leaving a job undone." _A shiver ran down my spine, but I dismissed the thought as unworthy. Once before I had been in this position doubting Zevran, wondering if he would betray me, and he hadn't. This time I would not doubt.

"Zevran has left the Crows," I said confidently. "Your contract has been called off. I'm extremely sorry that you made this trip for nothing. I hope the Grey Wardens can make it up to you by extending our hospitality to you."

I saw Zevran biting his lip and looking doubtful. "Taliesin, old friend, let me speak to the Warden a moment."

Taliesin nodded. "Of course, paesano. Take whatever time you need to say your farewells."

_I will not doubt. I will not doubt. I WILL NOT DOUBT! _

Zevran pulled me away a little. "Lucia, it looks a little grim. On the rooftop behind us, there must be six archers. There are ten fighters that I've spotted, hiding around us. I see a couple of mages too. This looks fairly hopeless. Do you have any ideas?"

"Let me try to talk him out of it, if it looks like it won't work, then distract him while I take care of matters behind us."

"Lyrium?" Zevran asked me, having seen what I did with a small dose of lyrium and a cone of cold spell.

I nodded and fingered my necklace.

I turned around and smiled warmly at the Crow. "Taliesin, I could take you to Teyrn Loghain right now and he would clear up this misunderstanding immediately." I wrinkled my nose. "I think he'd be very put out if something happened to me. He's become rather fond of me."

Zevran nodded. "It's true, my friend, they're lovers. Tal, you know the master would be very upset if you just blindly followed orders when the situation had changed. I suggest you listen to the Warden."

"Look, why don't we go have a drink and discuss this further? I can certainly get whatever proof you require that the contract has been called off and we'll make sure that your trip to Ferelden is enjoyable and profitable." I would be happy to pay a bribe to ensure that the outcome was an agreeable one.

Taliesin's eyes looked crowded with doubt. "Zev, you're not double-crossing me are you?"

Zevran smiled and opened his arms and hugged his old friend. "Of course not, amico. Come, the Wardens are a very friendly lot. You won't regret this."

I cocked an eyebrow wondering what Zevran was implying.

Taliesin considered a moment more then shrugged. "Well, my old friend, I'm going to trust you this time." He looked at me and smiled. "You said something about a drink?" He made a signal with his hands and I saw people coming out of their hiding places and then walking away.

~o~o~o~

_**Notes: **__Sorry about the cliff-hanger but this chapter was going ridiculously long! In the next chapter we'll see where things go with Taliesin. A happy reunion of friends, or something else?_

_My estimation that I was going to get this wrapped up in three chapters was perhaps a bit... optimistic. _

_My thanks for the reviews! It's always a joy to see feedback from new folks who haven't reviewed before._

_If you're wondering where Godzilla comes from, I was in that weird state when you're not really quite asleep yet not fully awake and weird thoughts kind of randomly run through your mind and Godzilla vs. the archdemon popped up. I started laughing so hard I couldn't go back to sleep. I decided it had to make an appearance in my story, even if it was just a dream. Or is it?_

_And finally, my humble thanks to Biff McLaughlin who relaxes my tenses when they're all knotted up!_


	50. Experience or Estrogen?

**Experience or Estrogen?**

We never made it to the Pearl that day. We took Taliesin to another bar and he tried to get us drunk, just as we tried to get him drunk. Zevran bribed the waiter to make sure our drinks were watered down. I think Taliesin bribed the waiter to make sure our drinks were extra-potent. It worked out that we got normal drinks and the waiter got rich. I very carefully cast subtle spells to neutralize the alcohol in our bodies, but I acted a bit tipsy just to put Taliesin at ease.

"So...what sort of proof do you need that the contract is called off? I can take you to see Loghain, or get a letter with his seal. Whatever it takes, signore corvo."

Taliesin shuddered. "Zevran, I hope you're not responsible for her butchery of our language."

He laughed. "We're working on it." He shot me a hot glance. "In addition to a few other things."

I blushed. I wondered what he was about, flaunting our relationship in front of his friend.

Taliesin smiled at me. "I can't believe you actually tried to defect from the Crows, Zev, but now I'm beginning to understand. We can make up a story about how the wardens held you captive until I came to rescue you." He laughed and met my eyes with a challenging stare. "Not entirely untrue, is it?"

"I'm not going back, Tal." Zevran's voice was warm but implacable.

Taliesin looked like Zevran had socked him in the eye unexpectedly. "You don't mean that, amico. You know you have to come back. They'll just send the enforcers."

"You don't have to go back either, Tal. If they get no word back they'll assume we killed each other."

"Not go back?" Taliesin rubbed his knuckles against his scruffy chin. "Stay in this boring backwater?" He looked at me. "My apologies, lady, compared to Antiva City..."

I smiled. "It's cold, dull, dreary and smells like wet dog? I've heard it all before."

Taliesin smiled charmingly. "Ah! Yes, I was trying to place that smell. Wet dog. That is it, isn't it?"

"We do have something no one else has, though: a Blight! That should liven things up a bit." I laughed at my own joke.

Taliesin chuckled. "I'll grant you that."

"We're missing coffee though." I smiled wistfully.

Taliesin shook his head. "Brasca, Zevran! There is nothing in this country for the likes of us."

Zevran looked at me, his eyes softer than I remembered ever seeing them. "There is, paesano, this country holds opportunities for new beginnings."

I wasn't sure what Zevran meant but it did occur to me that Ferelden could use some of Antiva's panache. "Taliesin..." I tapped my finger on the table, thinking. "I don't pretend to know where your interests lie, having just met you, but Zevran is right. Where things are lacking there are opportunities in abundance. There's a whole population here, millions of people, who haven't ever tasted coffee... caffè, who, with a careful introduction, might find themselves craving it as I do." I put an arm over Taliesin's shoulder and gestured expansively. "Just imagine, the heady, rich aroma of caffè roasting in the market and the people flocking to buy their morning cup of Joe." I envisioned Taliesin opening the first Starbucks in Denerim.

"Joe?" Taliesin asked me.

"Oh, that is slang for caffè where I come from." I was so caught up in my vision for Taliesin that I was forgetting myself.

"I thought they didn't have caffè in Ferelden?" He looked at me somewhat suspiciously.

"They don't, but... Oh hell, it's not relevant. The point is there are a lot of opportunities like importing coffee and spices, expanding the impoverished Fereldan palate with exotic tastes and new habits. This is a land where someone can reinvent themselves and prosper."

Taliesin looked at me; I could see him soaking in my vision. "I suppose... but there would be difficulties, the main one being no one leaves the Crows... alive."

I scoffed and shook my head. "Perhaps that's just what they want you to believe. You'd have to be careful, true, but you'd have some powerful friends to protect you. Perhaps those powerful friends would invest in this venture and that would make your protection even more vital. Or these same friends might drop a word in the ear of the Antivan Grey Wardens. Do they have some pull with Crows?"

Taliesin sat silently and seemed to be considering. "I need to think this over."

Zevran nodded. "Of course you do, friend." He looked at me. "About that Grey Warden hospitality..."

"Oh, why yes! We certainly have room, if you'd like a room at the compound. It'll give you and Zev a chance to catch up."

Taliesin shook his head. "Thank you, all the same. I'm settled into a nice inn. You can deliver Loghain's letter there. No later than tomorrow morning, eh? I'll give Zevran the address." He looked at Zevran. "Supper tonight, paesano?"

I saw some tightness return to Zevran's eyes, but he nodded. "See you this evening, Tal." The two men clasped forearms affectionately and we all left. Zevran and I headed back to the compound and Taliesin disappeared in the opposite direction.

"That went well, I thought." I smiled at Zevran, glad that he had the opportunity to reunite with an old friend.

Zevran grunted and frowned. "Well, let us discuss it when we get back. Right now we need to be vigilant."

We walked a ways further and Zevran pulled me into a darkened doorway. "Fly back, carina. Change here, no one will see you. I don't see any templars." I opened my mouth disbelievingly, about to protest, but he held up a finger warningly. "Do not question me now, Lucia, just do it." The expression on his face was serious, grim even, so I obediently transformed and flew off. However, I went to the nearest high point and watched the dark doorway where he was hiding.

My sharp eyes swept over the area looking for possible assassins. Zevran's behavior confused me. Over drinks it seemed as though the two men were friendly, but I read something entirely different in him just now. I would keep my eye on him. He was talented, but he wasn't immortal and he couldn't possibly take out more than a dozen assassins himself.

I followed him as he climbed over a fence. He walked to the market district, keeping to back alleys. I fluttered from building to building, staying as high as possible. At the market district I noticed a man standing on a rooftop, crouching behind a chimney, holding a loaded crossbow and scanning the crowd. A moment of indecision struck me – was he an assassin? It couldn't be a good thing for someone to be pointing a loaded crossbow into the crowded busy marketplace regardless, right? I swooped soundlessly onto the roof behind him and changed form.

I didn't spend much time debating tactics. He was big and looked well-trained and well-armed. Ideally I'd use less than lethal force, but I was scared. I quietly pulled out my daggers and hoped like hell I didn't screw this up. I quickly reached around to the front of his neck and slit his throat. He grabbed my arm, dropping his crossbow which slid down the pitched roof and clattered into the marketplace. His grip wasn't strong and it weakened quickly with the sudden loss of blood. I shoved at him and he rolled down the roof after the crossbow.

I quickly hid behind the chimney and transformed into a crow again.

It took only a moment before his body was spotted and the crowd rushing to the area to see, which delayed the templars who must have sensed my magic. I flew off looking for Zevran; I'd lost him in the crowd. I was about to panic when I saw him again and I chased after him. I landed on a sign and watched him. He walked past a pair of mages chatting to one another. They turned and watched him walk by and then followed him. One ran across the street, the other stayed behind him. The one across the street began to cast a spell. Cheeky bastard! There are templars everywhere. I flew as near as possible, turned back into human form to cast a paralysis rune right under his feet and quickly transformed back into a crow. I could already hear the clanking of heavy armor as templars came running over and I flew off. They'd catch their mage thinking he'd accidentally caught himself in his own rune.

Next I followed his friend who was still following Zevran. I saw the mage signal to someone else and a pair of thugs fell in with him. I didn't think I could discretely handle all three of them so I flew quickly and landed not far in front of Zevran and cawed a warning.

"Lucia?" Zevran looked at me in surprise.

I cawed again, jumping up and down, flapping my wings in my agitation. _Turn around! Turn around! Watch out! _The thugs were running toward us and the mage was casting. I flew over to the mage and went for his face with my claws. He yelled and swatted at me, losing his concentration. I flew out of the way and came back for a second pass and transformed into human, just as I hovered over him. I fell on him and my weight carried him to the ground.

Zevran did turn around and the thugs charged at him, weapons drawn. He drew his weapons and parried both attacks. I couldn't watch him; the mage was surprisingly strong and was struggling out from under me.

"Listen, punk, there's a pair of templars around the corner taking care of your friend. You've got a choice. You can surrender to me and live..." I caught myself. What the hell was I doing bargaining with an assassin when Zevran was in trouble? I jumped up and cast a paralysis rune under him and ran off to help Zevran.

He was holding his own against the two thugs, but I planted a dagger in the back of the thigh of one of them. He yelled and turned his attention away from Zevran, who finished him. The other man began to run; Zevran took careful aim and threw a dagger. It hit the thug in the base of the skull and he fell to the ground. Zev walked over carefully and made sure he wasn't going to get up again.

Zevran grabbed my arm and pulled me into another darkened doorway. "Lucia, I told you..."

I cut him off. "Yes, yes, yes!" I said impatiently. "I didn't listen. I took out an archer on a rooftop and another mage." I glared at him. "Zevran, someone is trying to kill you!"

He rolled his eyes. "Not me, no. You, however, most likely."

"Taliesin? But I thought we came to an understanding?"

He shook his head and laughed bitterly. "I know Taliesin. He is trying to force me back to the Crows. He wasn't going to let you go either." He looked around. "We can't stay here long, they'll be looking for me. Get out of here, Lucy."

I shook my head. "Don't be ridiculous, Zev. I can scout the way and signal to you if there are more ambushes." I didn't wait for an answer, I knew the templars would be coming. "One caw for clear and two for trouble." I quickly changed and flew off just as a templar rounded the corner and saw the second mage I'd disabled.

"Ian, you gotta see this. There's another mage trapped in a rune here." He stooped over the man and shook his head. "Something is going on here," I heard him mutter.

I would have loved to have stayed and watch the templars try to figure it out, but I was scouting for Zevran. He walked on a little further and stopped at the side of an inn. He made a subtle gesture at me and I realized this must be where Taliesin told him he was staying. I flew down to a window looking into the common room. There were quite a few people in there all wearing cloaks. There was a fire roaring in the fire place and it wasn't _that_ cold of a day. They were hiding weapons under them if I were to guess.

"Caw! Caw!" I flew by Zevran.

"Of course, Lucia," he whispered. "Go find a window to a room where there is no one."

I made my little chuckling sound and flew off, looking into each window. I didn't have to go far before I found one where I could not see anyone in the room. "Caw!" I waited at the window, ground floor, while Zevran jimmied it open and climbed in. I flew in after him.

"Lucia, go home." He pointed out the window. His tone was stern.

I changed back to human and shook my head stubbornly. "Forget it. You're not doing this alone. There's a bunch of guys out there and I have magic."

He glared at me and I glared back. The moment became electrified and suddenly I was pinned against the wall and Zevran was kissing me. The intensity of his kiss bruised my lips. I couldn't help the quiet moan that escaped from me. "If we survive this, cara, I will have a lot to thank you for."

I smiled at him and cocked an eyebrow. "In that case, failure is not an option."

He gave me a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. "So... I think we have perhaps another ten or twelve fighters to defeat, and Taliesin. You took care of the mages, I only saw two earlier."

"I will need a little time to cast a spell before they see me. I think... a big, fat sleep spell should do it." I went over the details of the spell in my head. "We'll have templars coming too, probably."

"All right. I'll create a distraction and give you time to do what you need to do." He sighed at me and gave me another kiss. "Riordan will chase me to the Fade and kill me again if anything happens to you, cara."

I laughed. "Perhaps we shouldn't mention this little adventure."

Zevran took a deep breath. "Be careful, cara." He pulled open the door a crack and looked out.

"You too, caro." I began to draw on the power in the lyrium necklace and my thoughts started to race.

I followed Zevran to the door, but held back out of the way. He slipped out of the door and out of my sight. I heard a blood curdling yell and recognized his voice. I waited a few heart beats and then I stood in the open door. No one was looking my way, they were all watching Zevran run quickly across the table tops and jump lightly onto the bar. People were getting up and drawing weapons and charging him, clustering up nicely. Zevran leapt up and grabbed onto a chandelier and swung out, over the heads of the thugs trying to get him, to the other end of the common room.

I cast the sleep spell and it covered a huge area. Most of the thugs dropped, only three managed to evade it. One of them saw me and shouted and pointed. "Mage!"

I drew my Fade shield around me and noticed how transparent I had become; this time I didn't try to correct it. I ran into the room and drew my weapons. Zevran joined me and we dispatched those three. Then it was a matter of killing those currently sleeping before they awakened. I was moving quickly, far faster than normal. I think if I hadn't been high on lyrium I would have hesitated over butchering these sleeping men and women, but I had no qualms in my current condition.

We had just over half dead when the rest began to awaken. Someone grabbed for my ankle from the floor, but just as soon as I felt the touch of their finger, I was behind them stabbing down into an exposed neck. It was that strange step through the Fade again; it drained me severely. I drew power from the necklace again. I wondered how long I could do that.

The few remaining thugs woke up and were pressing us closer to the front door. I finally got into a position where I could blast them with a cone of cold without hitting Zevran, unless he ran into it. "Cone!" I warned him. I cast it and managed to hit them all. I started to kick at the thugsicles, hoping to shatter them. One shattered and we started on the next when a dagger flew at me from the end of the room where stairs led to the second floor. It hit my Fade shield and bounced off me. It was a severe drain on my energy and I noticed I was becoming more opaque again.

"Elissa Cousland, a mage. Odd how your profile didn't mention that." Taliesin stood at the edge of the balcony at the far side of the inn, training a loaded crossbow on me.

I drew on the lyrium in my necklace again and felt it filling me with power. "Yeah, that's a funny story." I giggled. It was the lyrium. I should have been scared, but instead I was excited.

"Put it down, Taliesin. We can all walk away from this," Zevran said.

"No, paesano. You've been blinded yet again. It seems to be my job to extricate you from these unfortunate entanglements." His finger moved over the trigger on the bow. "You'll thank me one day."

His finger squeezed and I saw the bolt hop forward then move slowly. My perspective changed and I was on the balcony with him. I was moving so fast he didn't even have an opportunity to react. I struck the side of his head with my elbow and could see him beginning to crumple. I looked down to see Zevran standing in the path of the bolt.

"Oh no!" I screamed. I had moved so quickly he hadn't seen it happen. He assumed I was behind him. He was going to take the bolt for me. I threw open my door to the Fade as wide as possible, hoping I could step through one more time.

It worked! Now that I was in the path of the bolt and entirely out of mana, all I could do was lean to the side and take it in my upper arm. "This is going to hurt," I said as the bolt sank into my arm. It might have, but I passed out before the pain even registered. Two jumps in a row was too much. Using lyrium came at a cost.

~o~o~o~

I woke up thinking I had been buried alive. It was pitch dark and I was surrounded by something soft and bad smelling. I tried to move but the movement caused something to press on the arrow still in my arm. I groaned with pain.

"Shush, amora," Zevran's quiet voice sounded very close. "We're hiding in the dirty laundry. There are templars and city guards all over that room upstairs. I carried you to the basement just before they got here."

I whimpered an acknowledgment. My arm... to say it hurt was like saying the surface of the sun is slightly warm. I tried to meditate, maybe if I could pull the door to the Fade shut partway I could block out the pain. Oh... sweet, fucking Maker! How can you meditate when you have an arrow sticking out of you? I was sweating, yet freezing cold. My throat clamped down on the sobs I desperately wanted to release. I began to count my breaths and let my thoughts drift, pushing away the pain. The door inched shut and I felt some of the pain recede. That made it easier. I deepened my meditation and closed the door further. I didn't dare go too far, making myself tranquil would be unwise. I might need my emotions to kick off adrenaline so I could react appropriately to whatever happened next.

"Are you all right, Lucia?" Zevran whispered.

"Sort of."

"I couldn't hear you breathing." I felt his hand groping through the laundry until he found my neck and put his fingers on my pulse.

Then I heard a door creak open and heavy footsteps descending the stairs. Someone was rooting around. The footsteps came closer and I felt Zevran's hand on my neck tense and pull away. Fortunately the footsteps didn't come any closer and eventually they went back upstairs.

How long we were under the laundry pile, I couldn't say exactly. It seemed like forever. I could hear heavy footsteps walking around on the floor above us. Eventually they became fewer and fewer.

"Wait here. I'm going to see if we can get out," Zevran told me. I felt his hand coming back to feel my pulse again. This time it caressed my cheek before he pulled it away.

"All right," I whispered. "I'm not going anywhere." It was true; I didn't think I could walk. I had something worse than just an arrow sticking out of my arm. I wasn't sure what it was exactly but I felt utterly depleted. Worse than I felt after I cast that enormous cone of cold a few weeks back. I tried to draw on the lyrium in my necklace but I got nothing back. I couldn't even feel the sweet trickling of power I had felt ever since I had put it on. _I killed it! _Did I pull all the usable lyrium out of it? Or had my ability to do that broken? Maybe I had burned the magic out of myself.

The thought of living without magic was devastating. I had had these abilities for less than a year and I was already so dependent on them. Life without magic... no magical showers, no healing spells, no spelling myself to sleep when I had insomnia. I gulped. No sex magic! I wasn't sure I could live like that any longer. It would be like suddenly going blind or losing my hearing.

I didn't hear him return but I heard him whisper my name. "We can get out of here now, Lucia." He pulled the laundry off of me and helped me sit up. "What is it?"

"I don't know. I don't think I can stand." I tried to, but my legs folded under me. "Something is wrong. Too much lyrium perhaps."

Zevran bent over and slung me over his shoulder. He was impressively strong for being a rather small man. Fortunately my skewered arm hung free. "We have to get out of here."

How he managed to go up the stairs and through the door as quietly as he did with my body weight slung over his shoulder was amazing. He walked down a hallway and out a side door without a sound. We went into a back alley and he found a dark area under some stairs and settled me on the ground, with my back against a wall. "You are well hidden here. I'll be back shortly with some help."

I nodded. It made sense. He couldn't walk all the way back with me on his shoulder; it would definitely attract unwanted attention in a town that had just found a dozen dead bodies, a couple of rogue mages and one on the loose. I slumped down with weariness. I couldn't help myself, my exhaustion was so deep, I fell asleep.

Zevran returned with Wynne and Alistair. They pulled the arrow out of my arm and I really wished for a stick to bite on and a bottle of whiskey, but I bore it stoically-ish, more or less. All right, I whimpered and whined until Wynne healed the wound.

"What happened, Lucy?" Wynne looked at me, puzzled when I couldn't get up even after the healing.

"We were jumped by a whole bunch of thugs. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I used a lot magic and pushed myself." I swallowed hard. "I think I killed my necklace. I can't feel the lyrium." I omitted the part about the thugs being Crows come to kill me and bring Zevran back to Antiva. And, well actually, we jumped them. But other than the actual details, it was the truth.

I felt the familiar sensation of a rejuvenation spell and some, but not much, of my strength came back. "Maybe just a little dot of lyrium potion would help," I suggested.

Wynne rooted through her bag and pulled out a bottle. "Just a tiny amount, Lucy."

"No." Zevran plucked the bottle out of Wynne's hand. He gave me a look laden with promises of retribution if I objected. "Can you stand now, Lucia?"

I did feel stronger thanks to Wynne's rejuvenation. "I think so." They helped me to my feet and I leaned on Alistair and we walked slowly back to the compound. I dragged myself to bed and fell asleep within minutes.

~o~o~o~

The tongue on my ear woke me up. "Mmmph?" I felt a familiar form curled up behind me but on top of the covers.

"Wake up, Lucia. I brought you food." His breath puffed warmly into my ear and his sensual voice awakened more than just my brain. "How do you feel?"

I stretched and yawned, eyes refused to open entirely. "Tired. Hungry." I pushed myself up in bed, sitting up and looking at the handsome rogue. "And very curious." I smiled at him. "And just a bit horny."

"Hmmmm... I can help with three out of four of those conditions. Let's tackle two, hunger and curiosity, first, yes?"

I nodded and looked pointedly at the tray of food sitting next to him on the bed. Wonderful meaty smells were wafting up from it. There was a chunk of some sort of roasted flesh with a glaze glimmering on it. He put the tray on his lap and started to cut up the chunk of meat. "I'm not helpless, you know," I objected.

"Tch! You must rest so you have enough energy to resolve your fourth condition," he finished cutting my meat and stuck a piece in my mouth before I could say more.

I chewed a moment then tried to say something nice in Italian, er Antivan: "Grazie, mio piccolo formaggi piccanti." It meant, I thought, 'thank you, my sweet rogue'.

Zevran was a man whose emotions always seemed to be held tightly in check, but I somehow managed to pierce his control with that Antivan endearment. It started at his eyes, they got a little teary, then his nose and lips started to twitch. Finally it burst out of him in a huge guffaw.

"Taliesin is right, your Antivan needs rescuing. You just called me your little, spicy cheese." He laughed so hard he nearly spilled the contents off the tray.

"You definitely are a spicy little cheese. Maybe I meant to say that! Definitely a slice of Monterrey pepper jack cheese." My belly rumbled at the thought. I used to melt that stuff on popcorn... talk about delicious!

He picked up another piece of the glazed roast, pork I believe, and popped it into my mouth. I saw his fingers were dripping with pork juices so I licked them off. His eyes watched my tongue licking the juice off his fingers. "What were you curious about, mia cara?"

"Taliesin. What happened after I passed out?"

He popped another piece of pork into my mouth. "I slit his throat. Why didn't you just kill him?"

"I thought... Well, he was your friend. Besides, there was that arrow headed right for you. I didn't have time."

He scoffed. "A slice across his jugular vein wouldn't have taken any longer than a bash to his head." He leaned over and licked the dribble of juice rolling down my chin. "I have a question for you... how did you do that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know exactly. I can just do that sometimes when I've had some lyrium."

He looked at me before stuffing another piece of pork in my mouth. "You didn't have any potions, did you? I don't remember you drinking any."

I shook my head and put my hand on my throat. It was missing. Panic raced through my body. "My necklace!" I flashed to Gollum finding his "precious" was missing. It creeped me out just a bit. "Where is it?"

He pulled it out of his pocket. "I took it off you, I had my suspicions. What did you do?"

"I can pull the lyrium out of it. I took a lot; it makes those things possible." I felt my lip trembling. "I think I killed it. I can't feel the lyrium any longer. Maybe I burned out my abilities. I feel so hollow."

"Mangia. Eat." He put another piece of pork in my mouth.

I chewed half-heartedly and swallowed, barely tasting the meat. "What if I lost my magic?" The thought made tears sting in my nose.

"Then it is good we have been reviving your fighting skills without magic, no?. You were once a very skilled fighter until you learned so much magic. You'll simply go back to that, no? It will be easier to convince the world you are Elissa Cousland."

I sighed heavily. "It's like losing your vision or your hearing. I wouldn't have missed it if I'd never had it but..."

"Shush. I think you haven't lost it. I think you poisoned yourself with too much lyrium. Didn't Alistair say that lyrium was poisonous?"

I nodded. "Yes, but I assume that was in large quantities when you drink it. I was just... absorbing it from the necklace."

He popped another piece of pork into my mouth. "True, but you are very sensitive to it. Perhaps that was too much, too fast." He handed me a mug of ale. "In Antiva some nobles become immune to certain poisons. They take little doses all the time and gradually build up immunity. We had to change poisons several times because of this."

I took a long drink of ale. "I hope you're right." I held out my hand for the necklace.

He shook his head. "No, let me hold onto it for awhile." He looked at me with suspicion, his eyes narrowing a little. "I think you are a little too fond of lyrium, tesora. You need to be careful. Tell me truthfully, what does it do to you."

He had a way of looking at me that seemed to strip me bare, and I'm not talking about nudity... it was like x-ray vision for my emotions. Maybe detecting when someone was obscuring the truth was part of his Crow training, or perhaps he had just perfected that expression that seemed to say obfuscation would be futile. Whichever it was, I found myself confessing.

"It makes me feel a bit crazy if I don't properly control it. Like I can do strange things... impossible things, but I've learned to control it."

He marked my face carefully. "What I saw you do, Lucia, that seemed impossible. What other impossible things have occurred to you?"

I looked away for a moment. I truly need to work on my deception skills. "Oh, well, they were impossible! Hardly worth mentioning, really." I laughed nervously.

"Mention them anyway, per favore."

I said nothing for a long while. "Oh, well...ripping trees out of the ground with my mind, turning the land inside-out, flying... and turning into a very, very large reptile and biting off the archdemon's head. But that was a dream." I saw my hands were twisting at the covers. "Don't tell Alistair and Wynne! They'll never let me get near lyrium again." I bit my lip. "They're just some whacky thoughts I get, that's all."

Zevran blinked. "Perhaps they're not just thoughts, but things you really could do. Think about it, dolce, that sheet of ice you created was immense."

"Wynne said if the Chantry knew what lyrium did to me, they'd kill me. You know I'd never do anything like that, Zev. I could have probably killed everyone in that inn easily... but I didn't use all that much magic, just a little extra oomph." Zevran was the only person I'd confided to about what lyrium really did to me. I felt relief at sharing that burden and scared that he might keep it away from me.

"You remember when you told Riordan and me about the terrible weapons in your world?"

I nodded.

"You could be one in this world." Zevran's stare skewered me.

I shook my head. "No, I won't let that happen, if it even _can_ happen, which I doubt very much."

He exhaled. "At least I know you can keep the Crows away from me." He fed me another piece of pork.

I nodded and took a drink of ale. "Now, tell me why you decided to attack Taliesin. I thought we had come to an understanding or at least were headed that way."

"Ah, that's a long story. I haven't ever told you about the last job I did in Antiva, have I?"

I shook my head.

He told me a story of how he had fallen for an elven assassin named Rinna. Taliesin had convinced him that she had betrayed them. Taliesin had murdered her while he looked on, spitting on her as she confessed her love for him and died. Later they found out she hadn't betrayed them at all. Zevran had been suspicious that Taliesin arranged it, that he was jealous of Zevran's feelings for Rinna. He also confessed he had expected to die trying to kill us.

"When he refused your invitation to stay at the compound and invited me to dine with him, I was certain he was going to kill you and force me to return to Antiva. He was just trying to separate us to make it easier and reduce the chances I might die in the process. He was also curious about you, I think."

I remembered Taliesin's last words as he pointed the crossbow at me and realized he was right. "So, he was jealous?"

Zevran shrugged. "I don't know how else to explain it. We'd been friends and lovers since we were initiates. They think they can burn those emotions out of us, but they can't. We just get very good at hiding them."

Well, I couldn't disagree with that. Zevran had a mask three meters thick. I'd only very rarely been able to pierce it. I hoped one day he could feel free to take it off around me. "So, why were there assassins all over the market district waiting to kill you?"

"I doubt their orders were to kill me. You, perhaps. I think they were just there to make sure I made it to the inn alone."

I felt deflated. I had liked Taliesin. I had planned out his future in Ferelden. We'd all win. He would have an honorable life importing coffee and he could escape the Crows, Zevran would have his friend, I wouldn't die, and I would be able to drink coffee again. It was a win all around, or so I had thought.

I ate the rest of my dinner quietly. Zevran didn't say much either. Confessing my lyrium madness to him and hearing about Taliesin and Rinna had cast a shadow over everything. He took the tray downstairs and I settled back into my bed again.

He came back shortly and sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with something. "It seems like an appropriate time to give you this." He reached for my hand and pressed something into it and closed my fingers around it.

I opened my hand and looked at it. It was a gold earring with an emerald. "This is beautiful, Zevran." I looked at him curiously.

"I acquired it on my very first job for the Crows. A Riviani merchant prince, and he was wearing it when I killed him. In fact, that's all he was wearing." He told me the story like all the others he had, with a sort of detached amusement. "I thought it was beautiful and took it to mark the occasion. I've had it since... and I'd like you to have it."

It was a bit creepy, getting a trophy from one of his kills, like the trophies a serial killer collects. But how different was this from our routine of stripping the people and things we killed of everything salable? I decided it wasn't. "This is unexpected. Thank you."

"Don't get the wrong idea about it. You killed Taliesin. As far as the Crows will be concerned, I died with him. That means I'm free, at least for now. Feel free to sell it, or wear it... or whatever you like. It's really the least I could give you in return."

I looked down at the earring. "Zevran... I don't require payment for what I did. You mean a lot to me. I wasn't going to let you face them down alone." His words stung me. _After everything we've been through he thinks he has to pay me?_

He sighed with frustration. "I... look... just take it. It has meant a lot to me, but so have... so has what you've done. Please, take it." He closed my fingers around the earring again.

I looked up at him. I knew he was struggling. Whatever he said I knew this gift for what it was. In fifth grade James Weissenburger had expressed his affection by pulling my hair and teasing me. Lots of men never really advanced beyond very rudimentary emotional expressions. They weren't adept at it and it made them feel vulnerable, if not ridiculous. I could imagine that feeling vulnerability was something Zevran hated worse than anything. I stood at a crossroads: I could go with what my double-X chromosomes were urging, try to poke and prod him into some sort of admission that would make him feel really uncomfortable, or I could let my experience and sympathy for those with a Y chromosome prevail and let it slide. I let experience override estrogen and I smiled at him, accepting him for exactly what he was, a guy.

"Thank you, Zev." I smiled at him. "Only problem is, I don't have a pierced ear."

Zevran looked relieved that I had accepted his gift without undue prodding and questioning. "I can fix that, amora." He showed me the needle, and bottle of something I thought was an herbal antiseptic, he had brought upstairs with the earring. "This won't hurt as much as the crossbow bolt, I promise." He cleaned off my earlobe with the antiseptic. "Which reminds me, I am angry with you."

I squeaked. "Don't say that just as you're about impale me! I want your good thoughts right now." Good thoughts or no, the needle pierced my ear and Zevran chuckled.

"There. You are a bambinona sometimes. That didn't hurt much, did it?" He slid the earring into place and kissed my ear.

"No, you kissed it and made it better." I smiled at him. "All right, why are you angry?"

"You stepped in front of that bolt. You should have let me take it." His eyes lost their levity and he looked serious.

I shook my head. "The lyrium made me able to move very fast and jump across the room. Time slowed down for me, I knew I could lean to the side. If I'd been fresher, perhaps I could have snatched it out of the air." I gave a little excited bounce. "That would have been awesome!"

His lips twisted. "Awesome," he said blandly. "This thing with the lyrium..." he shook his head and sighed. "The gods don't give that sort of power without a price."

I nodded. Oh yeah, I'd read my fairy tales and myths. There was always a price. "I seem to be paying it now."

"Perhaps." He vaulted over me onto the bed. "There was a fourth matter, you mentioned earlier." His eyes crinkled at the sides.

I smiled. "Oh right. Unfortunately we won't be able to follow through with your lesson plan." I gave a dramatic sob... "No more sex-magic, Zev! My life is over."

"Tch! We'll just have to do it the old fashioned way, amora. You haven't forgotten how have you?"

I began unbuttoning my shirt. "Never!"

He pulled off his own. "Good, then. Let's see if we can think of some new ways to frighten the clergy."

Zevran was remarkably tender that night, almost cuddly. He was far more expressive with gestures than words. It would do. It would definitely do.

**Translations:**

_Signore corvo: Mister crow_

_bambinona: big baby_

_Grazie, mio_ _piccolo formaggi piccanti: Thank you, my spicy little cheese_

_paesano: villager, peasant – slang for comrade in the Crows_

**Notes: **_As I anticipated, DA2 is going to slow updates down awhile. _

_One thing I learned in DA2 is that gunpowder is... well, without giving anything away Fereldans don't have it but Qunari do. Everyone would be keen to get it, though, if they could just pry the secrets from the Qunari. However, we all know how closed-lipped they can be. So at the time of my story, Ferelden is without gunpowder but they know about it. They might like to have it so the next time the Qunari invade they don't have to rely on mages so much. Kind of a bummer for the mages though._

_My thanks to every for the reviews. Yay! They make me happy. And my ultra-mega thanks to my beta-reader, Biff McLaughlin, for taking time away from her own DA2 play time to correct my boo-boos._


	51. Needle in a Haystack

_**Needle in a Haystack**_

Gradually my magic came back. After a few days I could make sparks, like I had after my first lesson with Morrigan. After that it came back quickly. Zevran started me on a regimen of learning to tolerate lyrium. I would only wear my necklace a little while every day. After awhile he began stealing lyrium potions from Wynne and Morrigan and would carefully dole out a portion for me to drink. I could control the madness as long as I kept the door to the Fade mostly closed. We would take secretive trips somewhat out of town where I would practice my Fade walking, and drawing on the necklace. As my tolerance to lyrium increased, I could make more jumps and draw on more lyrium.

Riordan was now five days late in coming back. I was well past beginning to worry, into the intermediate worrying stage, halfway to the advanced. "I should go look for him," I told Alistair.

Alistair shook his head. "No, what if something happens to you both?"

I kicked at a chair with my foot in an act of petulance. "Yeah, that's right, I forgot. We have to stay all safe and cozy so we can be sacrifices to the dragon." I wasn't in a good humor. "I wish someone had reminded Riordan of that." It was just my luck that the dragon I was going to be sacrificed to wasn't picky about his sacrifice being a virgin or not.

"Lucy!" He was about to chew out my ass and I deserved it.

"I know, I'm being mean. I'm just worried. He should have been back by now, or at least sent word." I still had flashbacks to my terrible dream where he jumped off the side of a building to bring down the archdemon. I dearly hoped he wasn't going to go all testosterone-y and do something crazy. "Two more days, Al. If he isn't back I'm going to look for him."

~o~o~o~

There were no reports of sightings of the archdemon from any of the mages we had posted. Petra was the mage we retained to monitor the orbs at the compound. She seemed quite trustworthy and she was fascinated by Morrigan, who began to teach her the basics of shape changing, much to Wynne's disapproval.

Loghain and I still met frequently, if not every day. He took me on a tour to show me the latest ballistae prototype. The range was improving, but the accuracy needed work. I told him Sandal could improve it some with an accuracy rune pattern that Morrigan had found in her mother's notes.

"Did you, by any chance, remember to inform the Antivan Crows that you didn't want us dead any longer?" I asked when we had a private moment together.

He stopped in his tracks and looked at me. "Oh. I wasn't the one who arranged that, that was Howe's idea. I guess it didn't occur to me." A look of concern crossed his face. "Did something happen?"

I smiled weakly. "Oh, just another assassination attempt."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh, Lucy, I'm so sorry. I don't even know who to contact." He looked at me again. "Is this the source of those dozen or so people massacred at an inn a few days ago? The Chantry was in an uproar over some foreign apostates they captured, too. They think one got away."

"The one that got away was me." I grinned. "Yeah, that was us. Sorry about the mess but they were trying to kill us."

"Oh, sweet Maker, Lucy. I am sorry. Can you ask that assassin friend of yours how to call them off?"

"Sure. I can't imagine that they'll be trying again too terribly soon, but it'll probably happen sooner or later. Apparently they feel honor bound to fulfill their contracts." I sighed. "There is something to be said for letting things slide sometimes... but I reckon it'd be bad for their business."

He leaned against a wall and looked at me intently. I could see he still had feelings for me. It stirred something inside me. I missed him too, at least until I remembered how complicated and deceptive our relationship had been.

"Have you heard from that _Orlesian_ Warden?" Loghain asked. Orlesian sounded like an epithet, which it was, coming from Loghain. "I hope the fool hasn't gotten himself killed."

I slumped into a chair. "Yeah, I hope he hasn't either." My reasons were probably different than his, but just as valid. "No, I haven't heard from him. I'll go look for him if he doesn't show up soon."

Loghain grimaced at me. "No. We don't need to lose more Grey Wardens in the same foolish way."

I bit my thumbnail and mentally imagined Zevran pulling my thumb away from my mouth and yanked it away. _Should I say it? Urgh... this could make trouble, but I should chance it anyway_. "We could always ask the Wardens in Jader to come back. Without their support troops of course." I said it quietly and quickly almost hoping it wouldn't sink in until I was somewhere else, far away.

"What?" Loghain's face went from partly-cloudy, twenty percent chance of rain, to mostly-cloudy and thunderstorms imminent, with baseball-sized hail, possible tornado warnings and flooding.

I shrugged. "Just sayin'," I just said, feeling like I should wash my mouth out with soap; I hated that phrase, but it fit the moment.

"I'll pretend you _just_ didn't."

Maker's morning breath! The hatred the man had for Orlais never let up. "Imagine it, two-hundred opportunities to kill the archdemon before he makes Ferelden into his own private litter-box." Man, I was really asking for it to press on with this.

"What the hell is a litter-box?"

"Something a house-cat shits in on my world." I reminisced fondly, basking in the memory of my beloved, elderly, Siamese cat who tracked litter all over my house and, on special occasions, other things best not mentioned.

My tangent just annoyed him further. "No Orlesians, Lucy. They probably wouldn't come anyway. Not without their invasion force."

I sighed. "You mean support troops? How do you know they wouldn't come? Could we at least ask?"

I could see I'd pushed him to the boiling point and a meltdown was imminent. I held my breath, waiting. He glowered and his nostrils flared, his jaw tightened and he ground his teeth, but nothing happened. Then he took a deep breath. "All right. Ask them if you must, but I won't have their support troops and that is final."

I smiled at him and reached out to touch his arm. "Thanks."

He looked at my hand touching his arm and then into my eyes. A highly charged moment passed between us. His eyes drilled into mine and I could see a muscle jumping in his jaw. He was on the verge of either kissing me or strangling me – perhaps both.

I pulled my hand back, lamely. "I should probably go, I suppose." I sounded confused, even to myself.

~o~o~o~

The next day I was summoned to see the Queen. Alone. For tea. I borrowed a dress from Leliana and showed up in the conventional method of walking through the front door and having myself announced. Anora didn't know, of course, that I wasn't Elissa Cousland... at least not in the way that mattered most.

"Your majesty," I said, curtseying as Leliana had taught me.

"Oh, please don't stand on formality with me, Elissa. Call me Anora." She made an impatient gesture and I rose.

"Very well, Anora. Please call me... err... Elissa or Lucy... my nickname."

"I thought you went by Lissy?"

Damn her sharp memory. "I did, but somehow that evolved into Lucy with my traveling companions. Long story, not all that interesting."

We were seated and tea was poured for us. Dainty little food was brought out. I watched her closely so I wouldn't do anything too terribly gauche. Anora wasn't one for small talk, but I could sense she wasn't ready to address whatever was on her mind, so we talked about the Blight.

"Lucy, why are Grey Wardens necessary to end the Blight? I realize they have excellent fighting skills, but there are many such. What is it about wearing the Grey Warden label that makes your order so necessary during a Blight?"

I coughed into my hand. I'd probably earn Alistair's wrath if he found out I told her, but it was silly not to include the leader of the country in the loop. "It's supposed to be a secret, Anora, but I can't see the point in keeping key people in the dark. In fact, it could be very dangerous not to know." I took a sip of tea. "We're needed because whichever one of us deals the deathblow to the archdemon dies, while trapping the soul of the archdemon within us. Otherwise it just reincarnates inside the nearest darkspawn and the Blight continues unabated."

Anora grew a little paler. "Sweet Andraste! So one of you must sacrifice yourself to end the Blight?"

I grimaced and nodded sadly. "I'm afraid so. That's why it is so dire that there are only three of us left, and one of us is possibly missing."

"So you and Alistair..." her brow furrowed.

"One of us, or Riordan if he returns." The little cookie I was eating tasted like sawdust all of a sudden.

"Maker! My father turned away all those Wardens. He didn't know though." She sighed and rubbed at her forehead in what was clearly frustration. "He hasn't trusted the Wardens since that time they took Maric into the Deep Roads. Although you didn't hear it from me, since he never actually told me. I had to piece it together for myself. I still don't know what happened, precisely. It led Maric to a friendship with the Warden-Commander, but for some reason it caused hostility with my father. I never really understood why."

I smiled grimly. "I told your father some time ago. I just got him to agree to allow me to send to Jader for more Wardens. I don't know if they'll come without support troops, but he agreed to let them come without them." I watched a look pass over her face; she seemed to be dissecting everything I was saying. I'd never had her attention fully on me and I realized she was a very smart woman. Very little escaped her.

"My father... Tell me, Elis... Lucy, what is the nature of your relationship with my father?" Her eyes were burning holes into me. I suspected Ferelden had something as good as a polygraph in Queen Anora.

"I... Well. That is to say... Your father and I were _seeing_ each other." I spoke slowly, choosing my words carefully.

"I knew that, of course, but I wanted to hear about it." She looked at me appraisingly. "You're quite young, Lucy. I never would have thought such a young woman would be of interest to him." She quirked her mouth. "In fact, I never thought anyone would interest him." She leaned back in her chair and took my measure. "How did it happen?"

I felt my face get hot. Oh boy, there was a lot there I couldn't tell. I also knew I'd have a hard time passing off a lie, but I could be vague. "I think he found me surprising, a novelty perhaps. Our goals were aligned and fate threw us together and nature took her course."

She frowned slightly. "I often thought you seduced him to secure your alliance."

I nearly choked on my tea. Shit! "I genuinely care for you father, Anora. I'm not sure we were the best match, as we're both stubborn and rather divided on some issues, but I do have feelings for him." Phew! I think I managed to state that without lying.

"I notice you used past-tense. Has the relationship ended?" She played casually with her teaspoon, but she was still paying close attention.

"It has. We realized that we needed to focus more on the Blight." I sighed. "Suffice to say, it is over. I would rather not rehash it all, if you don't mind." I absentmindedly fingered the lyrium necklace he gave me.

Anora nodded, smiling slightly. "Of course, I apologize for asking so many questions, but he is still my father. I was a bit worried he was going to make a fool of himself over a very young woman."

I snorted. "Your father? Never. Whatever he saw in me, it wasn't my youth that attracted him." I paused a moment. "Is this what you wished to discuss today, my lady?"

"Anora," she reminded me. "One of the things." This time she seemed hesitant. She twisted a ring on her finger.

I suddenly felt the axis of power shift slightly to my favor. Like she had been able to read me so well, now I could read her. "Alistair?"

She flushed immediately. "Er, yes... I wanted to ask you about him. He looks so much like his brother only... not really like him. What is he like?"

I smiled. I hadn't imagined that I'd be playing matchmaker today. "He's very nice, good sense of humor, and is rather... chaste and innocent. He spent quite a few years in templar training."

"Well, that's... bluntly put." She looked slightly mortified by the chaste comment.

I shrugged. "But true and perhaps valuable information if you..." I trailed off, thinking I probably shouldn't finish that sentence.

"If I what?" Anora wasn't going to let me not finish that thought.

"If you were... interested in getting to know him better... as it were. He is a bit shy." I wondered how frank I could be with her. "Subtlety might not work with him."

Anora got up and paced a bit. "You assume my interest in him is something other than mere curiosity about my husband's brother?"

I tried to repress a smirk. "Curiosity can take many forms and lead to many interesting... circumstances, in my experience." I couldn't help but think of my own curiosity and how it led me into sharing a bed with two men, although I didn't think I'd share that with the queen.

Anora cocked her head. "Are you speaking through experience with Alistair? I mean... how is it you aren't interested in him? It seems like he would be more suitable to you than someone like my father. You're colleagues, have been traveling together for quite some time and you're both young and attractive... and you never...?"

I laughed. "Oh, no. He's not my type, frankly. He's far too young for me."

She sat back down and sipped at her tea again. "He must be a handful of years older than you are, Elissa."

"Well, there's no accounting for taste, as they say. I prefer men a bit more mature."

She smiled. "I suppose you must. I have to say, it would be odd if you ended up my step-mother. I quite remember you at my wedding, you were a very fidgety fifteen-year-old."

I sighed. "It's rather unlikely to happen, I think. I'll probably die in the Blight, and if by some miracle I don't, I'm not keenly interested in getting married."

Anora twisted a ring on her hand. "I suppose Alistair's chance of surviving the Blight is equally dim."

I nodded sadly. "Grey Wardens are a bit like lemmings, they throw themselves at the archdemon in droves and die."

Anora sighed. "I suppose, given the circumstances, that my... _curiosity_ is poorly timed."

I smiled wistfully. "Oh, I don't know. There's a poem where I come from that goes something like this: _'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying. And__ this flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be a-dying.'" _I held out hope that Alistair might lose his cherry before... well, the big fucking dragon ate us.

Anora didn't answer. She stared into her tea and looked a bit sad. I could understand her sadness. She lost her husband to the Blight, perhaps she would lose her father, and Alistair too. Who knew the extent of the loses we'd all suffer to the Blight.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I was full of platitudes today. I knew her fear. Becoming emotionally involved with someone likely to end up as dragon chow was folly. Was it worth the pain when you lost them? I still sometimes asked myself that question. I wouldn't admit it out loud, but I must have decided it was worth it where Riordan was concerned. But then again, I was just as likely to end up the same way.

Anora looked up at me. "You're quite the poet, Lucy, but I wonder if it is true? Have you ever lost a loved one?"

I nodded. "Yes, my parents, my brothers... a lover." For a moment I forgot I was supposed to be Elissa Cousland. I was speaking as Lucy Woodridge. It didn't matter much. I had lost many loved ones, although not in the same manner as poor Elissa had.

"Oh, of course. Forgive me, Elissa." She fidgeted with a half eaten cookie. "If I might speak plainly..."

"Or course you can." I interrupted her.

"Do you suppose Alistair would accept an invitation to dinner?" She looked embarrassed to be asking. I suppose she had never really had a courtship of any sort. Her marriage was arranged, if I understood correctly.

I nodded, smiling. "I think he might be a bit awkward and unsure of himself, but I think he would. He has commented that you are a beautiful woman."

Anora didn't blush, but her discomfort increased. "I... well, that's good."

We spent a little more time drinking tea and talking about the Blight and preparations. I felt a little closer to Anora when I left, but she was a difficult woman to get to know. I hoped it went easier for Alistair; I suspected it would.

~o~o~o~

"Gherlen's Pass... come in Gherlen's Pass." I rapped on the orb devoted to monitoring the mages and scouts who were looking for archdemon or signs of the horde in the northwest. No one answered for a moment, then a sleepy looking mage peered into the orb. "Zed? You sleeping on the job? Staying out too late partying?"

"Maker, no! I wish it was that. Lana deserted us. She decided to run for Orlais." Zed ran his hand through his hair. "I think she knows an Orlesian apostate." He yawned and stretched. "I've been staying close to the orb, just in case."

I cursed softly. I couldn't afford to have my mages abandoning their posts. "Listen, Zed. I will personally make sure that you and all the other mages who stay with this have your freedom from the Circle and that you will be well compensated. I expect that you'll be heroes after the Blight." I frowned and stifled the urge to throw something breakable. "I am sorry that you're having the sole responsibility. Just try to monitor the orb as much as possible. Make sure you sleep in a room with it, or one of the scouts is watching it."

Zed nodded. "I will, Warden. There's nothing to report. We haven't seen any darkspawn up here."

"Have you by any chance seen a Grey Warden named Riordan?" I had to ask. I knew it was hopeless. If he had gone near any of the stations he surely would have checked in with me.

"No, ma'am. Just a few dwarves from time to time. Other than that, nothing and no one."

"I have a job for one of the scouts. Could you bring one to the orb?" I waited until the scout showed up then I gave him his task. I was sending him to Jader with a message for the Orlesian Wardens. Letting them know they would be welcome to come to Ferelden to help with the Blight, but without their support troops.

Can you explode with helpless frustration? It was building up inside me. Between worrying about Riordan and anticipating the archdemon, I felt like the top of my head was going to fly off.

The next day I stuffed a few things into a bag. Alistair was yelling at me the entire time, but I ignored him. He grabbed the pack from me and started to unload it. He pulled out one of the pairs of smalls I'd packed, blushed furiously, but stuffed them back in my drawer.

"Al! I have to look for him. What if he's injured somewhere? If we find he died of dehydration because he broke a leg somewhere and we didn't even look for him... I'd never forgive myself. I need to at least look!" I pulled my pair of smalls back out of the drawer and waved them around, gesticulating wildly.

He caught me by the arms and shook me. "Lucy, what if something happens to you too?" His face was getting red with his emotions.

"I'll be flying. It won't be that dangerous for me. I'll sleep in a tree. It will be fine."

Alistair threw up his hands. "Maker's balls!" It was as close as I ever heard him come to uttering an obscenity. "Ferelden is a big place, how do you expect to find him?"

I slumped onto my bed. "I don't know, Al. I really don't know. I just know I'll never forgive myself if I don't at least look."

Alistair looked defeated. "I suppose I can't argue you out of this. Just one thing then, Lucy. Tell me when you'll be back and promise me you _will _come back."

I nodded. "I won't be gone longer than five days. If I can't find him by then, chances are he's probably..." I couldn't finish the sentence. My eyes stung.

He nodded once. "What should I do while you're gone?"

I half-smiled thinking about my chat with Anora. I hoped he would be busy. "Make sure that the orbs are being monitored and keep up your training. Other than that... whatever you want."

"Did you tell Loghain you're leaving?"

I bit my lip. "Sort of."

"What did he say?"

"Well... he said 'no'. But I wasn't asking permission." I flashed a smile.

Alistair sighed. "What do I tell him if he asks?"

"Tell him you tried to talk me out of it and I wouldn't listen. I'll apologize when I return. It's easier than getting permission."

Alistair finally looked resigned, and somewhat sad. "Lucy, just come back. Please. I've lost too many friends, I don't want to lose you."

I nodded. "I'll do my best, Al." I kissed his cheek.

Morrigan took my leave-taking in stride. "We really need to talk when you get back."

"Oh right! We'll have that talk as soon as I get back, I promise." I hugged her and she bore the show of affection tolerably well, only flinching slightly.

Zevran tried to talk me out of going to. "Carina, no. Riordan made me promise to look after you. I can't let you go."

I looked at him, my eyebrows raised, surprised by his adamant statement. "Zev... I'm going. It isn't up for debate."

Then he looked resigned and shrugged. "Ah, well. I figured you wouldn't take no for an answer. So, let me give you a proper farewell."

His half-lidded eyes and the little half smile on his lips drew me in. We kissed passionately and as I buried my hands in his hair something scratched me under my arm. I started to feel dizzy almost immediately. The bastard had poisoned me.

"Zev, you rat!" I gasped. I could feel my mana draining away from me even as my legs started to crumple under me. _Mage bane!_

"I am sorry, cara, but a promise is a promise."

He caught me before I fell on the floor and lowered me slowly. I felt everything going gray around me. My strength was going rapidly. I used the last of it to clutch the lyrium necklace and drew energy from it, purging the poison from myself with a healing spell. Before Zevran could react I cast a paralysis spell on him.

He fell over on top of me. His eyes locked with mine, unable to blink. He looked surprised, immobile as he was. "You bastard! What was your plan? To keep me tied up until the archdemon comes to devour Denerim?" I wriggled out from under him, my strength coming back. I shot a last angry look at Zevran, then I sighed and relented. I couldn't stay mad at him. He was just doing what he had promised Danny. I knelt down and kissed Zevran. "Wish me luck, my sweet assassin. I'll be back soon."

I decided not to wait for another attempt to stop me. I shouldered my pack, and threw open the window. I transformed into a crow and flew off. I randomly decided to go south, towards Ostagar. Perhaps I would find Riordan where this adventure began for me.

~o~o~o~

_**Notes:**__Sorry for the belated update. I lost my beloved cat of 18 years in early March and I was too sad to write for awhile. Then DA2 arrived and I adopted two kittens (link to a picture is in my profile). But I'm back now! Although I have to shut the kittens out of my office when I'm working or writing because they think chasing the cursor across the screen is an awful lot of fun. That and running across the keyboard. However, I just realized it is a great excuse for typos... my kitten did it!_

_Anyway, I do love hearing from you in reviews and such. I suspect I'll have this story wrapped up soonish but I won't be so foolish as to try to estimate how many chapters that will take._

_My thanks to Biff McLaughlin for her excellent beta-reading!_


	52. There

_**There...**_

My guess seemed like a good one. As I flew further south I saw more and more darkspawn. I found I could sort of understand other birds, especially crows. Crows are scavengers and they were passing on information about food. I listened in to any reports of large, dead creatures, while still going south. I wished I could listen in to the darkspawn like Riordan claimed he could, but their thoughts were opaque to me.

I had an orb that I'd enchanted before leaving. I left its mate at the room where the orbs were being monitored. I told Petra she would be hearing from me. My first day out I looked for a tree with a branch big enough to hold the human me and I transformed. There was an awkward moment when I thought I might fall out of the tree, but I managed to hang on. I settled myself securely on the branch, wedged myself next to the trunk and I dug out the orb.

"Petra," I whispered into the orb as I cast the spell to activate it. I didn't want to speak too loudly lest I be overheard by darkspawn. I didn't think I was out of bow range.

I saw Petra give a little startled jump at the sound of my voice. "Lucy?"

"Yeah, it's me. I just wanted to check in. Is everything all right? Any word from Riordan or sightings of the archdemon?"

Petra shook her head. "No, I'm afraid not. Do you want me to get anyone?"

"No. Better not. They'll just fuss at me and try to guilt me into coming back. Just tell Alistair I checked in. I'm okay, but I haven't found Riordan."

Petra nodded. "I will let him know. Please be careful."

"I will. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I waved away the link and put the little orb back into my backpack and shifted back into crow form. I was hungry. I spotted an infestation of grubs in the tree I had chosen and I dined well. There were good things to being in animal form. Dinner was a lot more simple than having to hunt and cook something. I tended not to reflect on what I ate when I was an animal, otherwise I was likely to lose my appetite as a human. Fortunately it seemed like my food preferences were species specific. I can imagine a horse might have a hard time digesting a steak.

I got as far as South Reach that first day and I scouted the area. A few times I came upon villages and shifted and asked questions. No one reported seeing anyone who looked like Riordan. It was a total long-shot, I knew that, but it would make sense for him to go south. That was where most of the activity had been seen. He was on horseback, so he would probably stick to the roads for the most part.

I roosted in a tree, tucking my head under a wing. The day's flying had exhausted me and I slept very soundly. I never really dreamed much in animal form. They tended to be animal dreams for the most part. The archdemon didn't intrude on my dreams. I was beginning to believe I couldn't dream of him as an animal.

The next day I was awakened by some annoyingly cheerful birds singing their little hearts out. I felt a few moments of jealousy at their vocal facility; all I had was a raucously, loud caw. I grudgingly left them to their happy sounds and flew on. I looked for anything... buzzards, more crows, large clouds of flies, but as I went further south and got closer to Lothering there was less and less to see, except the remains of humans and animals and junk left by the wayside as people had fled that town. Even the birds of prey were avoiding the area. I could feel the presence of darkspawn everywhere I flew. If Riordan were here, I doubted he would be alive.

Periodically I'd find a sturdy tree and shift into human form. I didn't dare spend any time on the ground; there were just too many darkspawn. Then I'd try to sense Riordan and I'd send out my Grey Warden call.

I spent the remainder of the second day searching around Lothering and then started to head further south to Ostagar. I was nearly there when I saw a large black blob on the road below me. I swooped down to investigate and found a dead horse. It looked like it had been gutted by a pike, mostly because the pike was still embedded in its belly and the darkspawn holding the pike, was dead right next to the horse.

I hopped around the scene trying to identify the horse. It did look like the one Riordan had ridden out on. My heart rose for a moment. If this was Danny's horse then perhaps Danny wouldn't be too far away.

What I did next is a little sickening to think about as a human. If shape-changers are reluctant to talk about their experiences as animals, this is the reason why: we act like animals... pretty much shamelessly. I was a crow and crows eat carrion. They prefer fresh kills, but aged meat has a certain piquancy that appeals to the corvid palette. I tasted the horse, pulling a bit of innards out with my beak and swallowing it. If I were to guess, I'd say the horse had been here only a couple of days. That meant that Riordan must be fairly close.

If he were uninjured then he might go twenty miles in a day, but with all the darkspawn in the vicinity he would probably be lucky to get ten miles. In two days, he wouldn't be far. How far was the range of the Grey Warden sensing ability? I didn't know. Far, I hoped. I became human again and sent out a call and tried to sense Riordan. I was a little afraid I might call darkspawn to me as well, so I didn't dare linger too long. I sensed nothing and after a few minutes I turned into a crow again.

Which way now? If it were me, I'd probably head toward civilization rather than away from it. But there were miles of territory occupied mostly by darkspawn now. A lone Grey Warden, even one as experienced as Danny, would have a tough time getting through them all on foot. If he were injured... I shuddered to think.

I had noticed that the darkspawn tended to stick to the roads. They were humanoid enough to realize they could travel faster by road. I would bet a flight feather that Danny was _not_ on the road. There was a hilly area just northeast of Ostagar called Southron Hills. If I were injured, I might look for a cave or some sort of shelter.

I spent the rest of the day scouting that area. Periodically I'd find some place that looked safe and shift into human form and call Riordan and listen for him. I did this until nightfall, then found a tree. I checked in with Petra again, although this time Wynne was manning the orbs. She yelled at me for a full five minutes, told me I was selfish to go off and look for Riordan, that I had let my personal feelings override my sense of duty.I finally cut her off and said I was fine and just reporting in for the night. I threatened to cut the link, but she stopped her lecturing and asked me to stay a moment. Then she left the room and Alistair came in.

He looked stressed and anxious, perhaps he hadn't slept well. I probably didn't look so great either. "What is it, Al?"

"Uh, Lucy, the _queen_ asked me to come to dinner." He looked about to jump out of his skin.

I smiled and suppressed a little laugh. "Well that's good, isn't it? Don't worry about it. She probably just wants a more in-depth report on what is going on." I lied.

"You think so? What should I wear? My armor?" He rubbed his chin nervously.

I shook my head. "Armor? Are you planning to spar with her? No, no. Have Leliana help you pick something out. You want to look dashing and handsome. Tell her I said so."

"Dashing and handsome for a report?" He looked a little suspicious. "I should look like a proper Grey Warden, shouldn't I?"

"No. I think you need to look more like a courtier, only... more masculine. Tell Leliana that too. Don't let her make an Orlesian poof out of you!"

He shook his head. "Never! All right then, I'll ask Leliana."

"Maybe have Zevran weigh in too," I suggested. I trusted Zevran's taste more than Leliana's sometimes. She was too fond of poofery and frills.

Alistair nodded nervously. "Any news to report?"

I shook my head sadly. "I think I found his horse on the road to Ostagar. It had been disemboweled by a darkspawn. I think perhaps two days ago." I decided not to tell him how I knew. As everyone already thought mages were pretty scary, it wouldn't do to make them think we're yucky too.

"There's a lot of darkspawn out here. I figure if he were injured he's probably not far from the horse. Even if he's fine he would have to stay off the roads to avoid the worst of the darkspawn patrols. I think... I hope he's not too far away." I felt a sob welling up from the empty place inside me. It took everything I had to suppress it.

Alistair must have noticed my emotional turmoil. "I wish you weren't out there alone, Lucy. Are you going to be all right?"

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

"Is there anything I can do from here?" He looked very worried.

I shook my head. "No. I'll be fine." I hoped he couldn't see the tears rolling down my face. "I'd better go. I need some sleep. Good luck with your dinner."

"Be careful, Lucy. Sleep well, if you can."

He looked concerned as I cut the link. Then I lost it for real. I slumped down against a boulder and cried. Everything that I'd been keeping submerged for so long came bubbling out and I was insensible to everything except the misery I felt. Loss and fear: both things I tried hard not to think about. Tired and depressed as I was, I couldn't divert myself from them any longer. It was foolish to sit and cry on a boulder where darkspawn could show up any moment. My senses tingled with them constantly. I couldn't stop myself. The tears came, and once they started they refused to stop.

When I finally got control of the blubbering I turned back into a crow and tried to sleep, but even as a crow I was worried and nervous. This night I did dream. I dreamed that Riordan was in a cave, alone and hurt. He was using his last strength to try to call to me. I roused from the dream and decided to resume looking even though it was night time and my night vision wasn't all that good.

I flew slowly and low to the ground, straining my eyes. The moon was approaching full so everything was painted in shades of gray. _Shades of grey, _I thought. The thought made my neck feathers ruffle. Shades were ghosts. Ghosts of Grey Wardens? Would that be all I would find of Riordan?Should I feel sorry or happy for him? Perhaps it would be better to die this way, unexpectedly, rather than meeting your death when you expected to, at the hands of the archdemon. I started a routine of flying for a quarter of an hour, then landing and calling and listening. I sensed nothing. I was ready to give up on Southron Hills and fly southwest as the sun rose.

If I had been human just then I think I would have sunk to the ground and cried again. Instead I flapped on and made sad, quiet crow noises. Tomorrow would be my third day and I promised to be back in five. I was becoming increasingly fatigued and depressed. I decided this would be my last day searching, and then I would have to go back.

I turned to go south and paused one more time to call to Riordan. I landed on a rocky outcropping on a hill and shifted to human. I sent out the call and sat still for a few moment, listening carefully with the Grey Warden senses that Riordan had taught me to use. I might have been imagining it, or perhaps I was sensing darkspawn, but there was a slight pulling. It was so far away I couldn't really tell which direction it was.

_Please be him! _I begged whatever deity might be listening, or not as the case may be.

How do you follow a signal when you have no direction? I marked my spot and turned into a crow and flew off to the east a ways. I switched to human again and tried to sense it. It was gone. I flew back to my original spot and verified it was still there. Then I flew north and tried again. It was stronger. I continued north, stopping every quarter mile or so and checking. Finally I got a sense of where it was coming from. I had to stay human so I could follow it, but my senses were itching with darkspawn signs. I moved as quietly as possible and hoped I didn't come upon the darkspawn.

I followed the feeling up a rise which led to a cliff. There were dark spots along the face of the cliff. They might be caves, or at least indentations. It'd be a difficult climb and I couldn't see a path, but the feeling was stronger here. I sent out one last, powerful blast of Grey Warden call and moments later felt it being returned to me. That was also when I also heard the crashing of clumsy feet through underbrush and the very familiar grunting of darkspawn.

"Danny!" I screamed. "Where the hell are you?" I turned to see the darkspawn approaching quickly. I couldn't wait. I had to turn into a crow and get away. I shifted and flew up to the nearest ledge on the cliff. I looked down and saw the darkspawn looking very confused, milling around the spot where I had been standing. I laughed down at them, but stepped away from the edge just in case they figured out I was the crow and decided to shoot at me.

From my ledge I scanned the cliff and then I saw something below glinting in the rising sun. It was higher than I would have thought Riordan might have climbed, but I flew off to have a look anyway. I landed on this new ledge and my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. It was a silver coin. The ledge led into a cave. I hopped in, and then shifted to human. I kindled a little mage light and saw him.

"Lucy?" he croaked my name.

"Danny!" I ran to him and threw myself down next to him. He looked horrible. "What happened?"

He just shook his head. "Water," he whispered. "Need."

I slung off my backpack and searched it for my waterskin. I propped him up and held it to his lips and squeezed a little water in. He swallowed and then took the bag from me and drank. I was glad he did, my hands were shaking too hard. I placed them on him and scanned him as Wynne had taught me to do. He was severely dehydrated, half-starved and he had a compound fracture in his leg that was slightly infected. How the hell he had climbed up to this cave with a broken leg I couldn't imagine.

He gulped down the water and sighed heavily. "Good." He slumped against me, too weak to sit by himself. I lowered him down. He had his bedroll under him.

"Danny, I need to see your leg." I started to unlace his leather leggings.

"I'm glad to see you too, Lucy, but this isn't the time for that." He had a little smile on his face and his voice sounded a little less croaky.

Hearing him make a wisecrack relaxed me a little. "Well, you know you're just so sexy when you're helpless like this." I carefully pulled down his leggings and he groaned when I came close to the point where his bone had fractured in his calf. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I said it over and over. I knew I was causing him a lot of pain.

I finally got his pants off and didn't manage to suppress my gasp to see bone poking out of his calf.

"Pretty?" he asked, trying to sit up to see it.

"Gorgeous." I put my hand on his chest. "Lay down, love. Relax and rest. You'll need your strength later to explain how the hell you climbed up here with a broken leg."

He gave a short, breathy laugh. "Didn't. Broke it after."

I laughed. "Oh good. I was about to believe you were superman." I looked at his leg, felt it gently and realized I was going to have to pull on his foot and try to get the bone to pop back into place. "Danny, I'm going to have to try to put this bone back inside where it belongs. I'll put you to sleep so you won't be conscious for it."

"No, Lucy. Must stay awake. Darkspawn."

I took his hand in mine. "It's okay, I'll be here and the darkspawn can't get up here. If they do, I can hold this cave for a long time." I bent over him and kissed his lips softly. "Sweet dreams, handsome." I cast the sleep spell and he went limp.

Now my hands trembled in earnest. I hadn't ever done anything like this before. I was afraid I would screw it up and his bone would knit incorrectly. I didn't want him to see my fear, so I had put him to sleep. I panicked for a few minutes wishing like hell Wynne were here. Then I remembered the orb in my backpack. Perhaps she could talk me through it. I pulled it out and contacted Petra.

"Petra!" I nearly yelled with relief. "I found him! His leg is fractured. The bone is poking out of the skin. I don't know what to do."

"I'll get Wynne!"

She immediately left the range of the orb and I waited anxiously for a minute until I saw Wynne bustle into view.

"Lucy! You found him? Maker be praised! It is a miracle."

I nodded. "I suppose it was rather unlikely. Anyway, his leg is broken and the bone is poking through the skin in his calf. I don't want to mess him up, Wynne. What do I do?"

Wynne walked me through it. She had me feel the bone carefully and scan it magically. Then I could describe exactly what the break was like. "All right, Lucy. You might be able to get the bone back into place by pulling on his foot, but it would be better to cut into the leg so you can see exactly where it goes."

I squeezed my eyes closed. Surgery? "I have to do this right because we've got a hell of a climb to get out of this cave. Where do I cut?"

I sterilized my dagger blade with fire – which in retrospect was totally unnecessary, but it put my modern mind to rest – and she had me paralyze him to make sure he didn't move. Next she had me cut right down to the bone and peel the skin away. I shifted his leg around, propped it up with whatever I had at hand to get it to be angled just right and then pulled on his ankle. The bone slid back into position. I held the bone in place with my hands and under Wynne's direction healed just the bone. I saw the bone knitting together instantly.

"You'll need a lot of mana to make this work, Lucy," she warned me.

"I've got it covered." The lyrium necklace would keep me going a long time. I could feel the bone getting thicker and stronger while I kept the healing up and held the bone pieces in place. After it felt stronger she had me put together the tissues of his leg. I had to draw lyrium from the necklace, but it all healed nicely. He wouldn't even have a scar. I was grateful for the magical healing because my hands weren't exactly sterile and the magic would prevent any bacteria from flourishing.

After it was all over I nearly fainted from exhaustion and the emotional backwash of sheer terror at cutting him open. "I'd better go, Wynne. I'm exhausted."

She nodded. "Check in later after you've rested." She broke the connection.

I stuffed the orb into my pack and crawled over to Riordan. I wedged myself between him and the wall of the cave on a bit of the bedroll. It was massively uncomfortable, but having Riordan's bulk and warmth next to me again felt wonderful. It took me only a moment of listening to his deep, regular breathing before I was also asleep. So much for staying awake and on alert for darkspawn.

~o~o~o~

When I awoke the daylight was nearly gone and Riordan was too. I gasped audibly and sat up quickly, hitting my head on a stone out-cropping above me. "Danny?" I shouted. If that bastard went off again and got himself killed... I was going to kill him.

"I'm here, Lucy." I heard his footsteps from the back of the cave and then saw him. He sat on the bedroll with me and wrapped his arms around me. "It's okay," he whispered. "I'm here."

I buried my face in his chest and sobbed. He didn't smell very good, but I didn't care. "You almost weren't here!" I hit his chest with my hand. "I was only incredibly lucky to have found you, you idiot!"

I could feel him nod. "I was the lucky one." He kissed the top of my head. "Thank you, Lucy." Then he grasped my upper arms and held me away. I could see the stern expression on his face from the mage light. "But you never should have come after me, you could have been killed."

I rolled my eyes. "Pot. Kettle. Black!" He was being ridiculous. It was the testosterone. When men do stupidly dangerous things it's necessary, when women do them it's foolish. Right. I sighed. I wasn't going to spoil the moment by arguing with him. "How are you feeling?"

He smiled. "Surprisingly good. My leg feels very good. You've become quite an excellent healer. I didn't even see a scar." Riordan pulled me to him and I snuggled up to him, my cheek against his chest.

I shuddered. "I had Wynne walk me through it." I pulled out the orb. "I contacted her." I made a face. "It was really awful. I had to cut into your leg and hold the bone with my hands. I think I got everything back the way it is supposed to be. You should be careful though, it might not be as strong as it was for awhile."

"How did you find me?" he asked, stroking his hand against my hair. I think he was trying to reassure himself I was real.

I shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know. I picked south. I figured that's where we've seen the most darkspawn. I thought if you were on horseback you would stay on the road. Then I found your horse and figured out it had only been dead a couple of days. I knew you couldn't be too far. So I started a circuit around where I found the horse. Then I could sense you far away, but I didn't know what direction. That took more stopping and starting, until I could figure out a direction and hear your call."

He shook his head. "I still can't believe you found me. Those darkspawn that killed my horse chased me a good long time. After they gave up, I was lost for awhile. Then I ran into more darkspawn and climbed up here to get out of their reach. It was a hell of a climb."

"Yeah! I can't believe you did it. How did you break your leg?"

"I actually climbed higher and fell. I thought I might be able to climb to the top of the cliff. Fortunately the ledge broke my fall. Unfortunately it also broke my leg."

I shook my head. "I still can't believe I found you." I squeezed him tightly around the waist. "I was about to give up."

We sat silently together just holding each other for awhile, but Danny didn't smell good and I figured I didn't either. "Do you feel good enough to get washed up?" He nodded and we went to the ledge where the water would roll away from the cave and got cleaned up. One of the first spells Morrigan had taught me was still incredibly useful.

I gave him the food I had in my pack, which wasn't much because I knew I would be eating crow food. He wolfed it down. "When did you last eat?"

"A few days ago. I spent about a day running from darkspawn, then about two days here."

I thought about it. A Grey Warden without food for three days was likely to be pretty weak. "I could go hunting and bring you back some food, but fresh game is scarce in this area with all the blight around. Plenty of insects though. Grubs..."

He picked up on my line of reasoning. "I hear the Dalish consider them a delicacy."

"They taste a bit like chicken, actually." I smiled at him. "I can fly out of here, go find some grubs and bring them back. I'd better hurry though, there isn't much daylight left."

"Be careful, love."

"I will." I went to the ledge and shifted. I flew off, looking for fallen trees or rocks, places where grubs liked to live. I shifted back to human and put them in a container in my backpack until I had a good-sized collection of them. Then I flew back to my nest... er, the cave. I imagined myself dropping them into Riordan's mouth like a baby bird and chuckled to myself.

Riordan roasted the grubs over flames I provided and ate them. He agreed that they did taste like chicken. It wasn't enough food, I knew that, but it would help a little.

I got the orb out again and contacted the Warden compound. Petra was elated to see us and she ran out of the room to get Alistair. A number of people crowded around the orb. Zevran, Alistair, Wynne, and several others in the back I couldn't see. They were all excited to see us both alive and looking reasonably well.

"How are you getting back?" Alistair asked.

I hadn't really thought about it, I had concentrated so hard on finding Riordan that I literally hadn't planned for going back.

"Lucy will fly back. I'll walk." Riordan's expression was steely, like he was preparing for my refusal.

I turned to Danny and laughed. "Right. We'll discuss it later." The words promised war. I turned back to the orb. "We'll figure it out. But it will definitely take longer than two days. I'm sorry. I know I promised I'd be back in five days but... well, I forgot Danny can't fly."

There was more discussion and chatting and then Zevran shooed everyone out of the room; he wanted to talk to us alone.

When everyone had left the room he sat down on the chair in front of the orb and sighed. "Ah, what am I to do with you, Lucia? That was a nasty thing you did, paralyzing me. Yet, the results of your defiance... I cannot argue with that."

Danny looked at me with surprise. "What did she do?"

I harrumphed. "What did _I _do?" I spluttered. "_He_ poisoned me to try to stop me from finding you. I simply... corrected his mistake." I snapped my finger against the orb in my pique. I imagined that on Zevran's side the optics of the orb made it looked like a huge finger was descending on the orb. Riordan rubbed his chin with a hand. He looked like he was amused but trying to conceal it.

"But that is unimportant right now, what is important is that I want both of you back here so we can discuss Lucy's impudence further. Riordan, my handsome friend, Lucy is right. You need to travel together."

I smiled broadly at Zevran, instantly forgiving him. "Damn right," I murmured. I knew there was going to be an argument, and there was. Zevran and I arguing with Riordan. We wore him down, not that he had any choice really. I was going to do what I was going to do, and he realized it eventually.

Zevran nodded at us through the orb. "There, it is decided. Now you two need to kiss and make-up."

I smiled and pulled Danny into a passionate kiss, right in front of the orb. I glanced at the orb out of the corner of my eye and saw Zevran watching.

"Don't stop on my account," he encouraged us.

So we didn't.

~o~o~o~

**Notes: **My thanks to Biff McLaughlin who beta-reads this thing! I thank you all for your reviews, they really keep my heart in this thing. Then there's a special thanks to Sythe who stayed up all night reading my story and then was inspired to create some art! Check it out: Le-feline over at Deviantart. There's a link in my profile.

The muse is primed and in good shape even after my month of non-writing. Hooray!

Could someone explain to my kitten, Duncan, that sauerkraut is not for cats?


	53. and back again

**...And Back Again**

When morning came I awoke, wrapped in Danny's arms, flooded with memories of similar awakenings. That re-awoke my perpetual fear about how limited this commodity was. I felt my mind slipping into that familiar dread of the future, when his green eyes opened and met mine. It was an unspoken rule between us: don't speak of the future. His eyes anchored me to the present, in particular the little crow's feet that formed at the corner of his eyes as he smiled at me. In another world, I would have had matching crow's feet. Although I guess, in a manner of speaking, I had crow's feet in this world too.

I rubbed his chin, which was sporting something of a beard now. "Good morning, handsome." I kissed him lightly on the lips, counting my good fortune to have found him.

"Mmmm. Good morning to you, fair enchantress." He tightened his grip around my waist and pulled me closer for another kiss.

"You're looking rather disreputable these days, Danny. Like a bandit fallen on hard times, but a handsome one nonetheless." I tugged on his beard. "When we get back to the compound I'm going to lather this up and shave it off."

He laughed. "I'm not sure I trust you with a straight razor." He ran a hand through my hair, or tried to; it was such a wild mass of unruly curls and tangles it couldn't go far. I hadn't spent much time taking care of it when I was hunting for him. "You're one to talk, your hair looks like a bird nest. You look like a witch of the Wilds."

Untangling it would be laborious and painful. "Will you comb it for me?" I'd trusted the job to him in the past and he was gentle and thorough.

"Of course. My beard however, that will have to wait until we reach civilization."

Something clicked in my head. "I could burn it off." I knew I could. My control had gotten so good I could probably leave his face as bare as a baby's bottom. I put a finger at the edge of his beard and sent a surge of heat through it. Where my finger had lain, was a clean bare patch of skin, and the air smelled of burnt hair. "Voila!"

He jerked away from me, his eyes big. "What... what did you do?"

"A controlled burn. Would you like the rest of it gone?" I smiled impishly at him.

"I... well, if you know what you're doing, I guess so." He looked at me suspiciously. "Where are you learning these things?"

I put my hands of his face and began to carefully burn away the facial hair. "Wynne's been teaching me certain..." I paused for dramatic effect, "...techniques, as it were, to enhance one's control and focus." I grinned suggestively. "I've been practicing on Zevran. He's been a willing experimental subject. Actually, a better description might be eager."

"Why do I get the feeling this involves sex?" He eyed me suspiciously.

"Probably because it does." I tsked and shook my head, while I vaporized his beard with my hands. "Really, you picked a bad time to go off. You missed out on a _lot _of practice."

I was _so _going to do this to my legs. I wish I'd thought of it sooner. Perhaps I'd surprise my two boys with a Brazilian. The hair disappeared under my hands and left him more cleanly shaven than I'd ever seen him. I rubbed my cheek against his. "Oooh! No more beard burn!"

"Mmmm." Riordan was enjoying the contact. "Perhaps you could demonstrate these new techniques?"

I kissed him on the nose. "I will, of course, once we've got a proper bed and you're stronger. I'd hate to be responsible for a setback in your recovery." I was enjoying teasing him with this. "I don't mean to change the subject, my dear, but we need to think about leaving this charming cave."

He took a deep breath. "Right." He pointed toward the back of the cave. "There is a very narrow passage that I was starting to explore yesterday when you were sleeping, but it was too dark to go very far."

I got up, out of bed, and started to dress. "Really?" I kindled a mage light. "Let's see where it goes."

We followed the passage until it ended, but there was a breeze on my face. I looked up and saw there was a chimney-like opening leading up. "That looks promising, Danny."

"It would be easier to climb up there than the face of the cliff." He looked up the hole, thinking. "I can make the climb and lower a rope for the gear, and you."

"You have rope? I didn't bring any, I was traveling light."

He nodded. "I'll go up first."

It made sense; I couldn't fly up there since I was a bird, not a helicopter. If there had been more ledges, then perhaps I could have sort of hopped and fluttered up, but there weren't.

We went back to the main cave and packed up our gear. When Danny got to the top, if it was a way out, he could haul up our weapons, then our gear, then I could climb out.

I gave him a kiss before he started climbing. "Be careful, Danny. Your leg..."

"I will." He flashed me an encouraging smile. "You healed it fine, you know. You're better than you take credit for."

Then he was off, climbing up the tube that would, hopefully, lead out. I watched him climb until he vanished into the darkness. My mage light didn't extend that far. I could hear him though; his breath came heavily from the exertion and the sounds of climbing.

"Are you okay?" I asked. It was quiet and that made me nervous.

"Yes, just... it gets small up here." I heard him grunting and saw some rocks falling. "Ah, here's the bend... I think I can... Enh! Just...a little..." Then he stopped talking but I heard more scraping, shifting noises. "Maker, that was tight! It reminds me of... well, never mind."

I snorted. "Being born?"

"No," was the reply. His voice was getting more distant and fainter. "Lucy?"

"Yes?" I shouted.

"This leads out. I'll lower the rope, tie our weapons to it." It was far too difficult to ascend the chimney with weapons on, so we decided to haul them up afterward. Danny pulled them up while I ran to the front of the cave and got our stuff and waited for the rope. When it came down I tied our stuff to the rope and he pulled it up. Suddenly I sensed darkspawn, and they weren't far away.

"Darkspawn, Danny. Do you feel that?" I yelled up at him.

"A little. Must be at your end."

I ran to the ledge at the edge of the cave and looked out. Sure enough, there were darkspawn climbing up to our cave. I rushed back. "Hurry Danny, they're halfway here."

"The gear is stuck on something, Lucy." I could hear him swearing and grunting, trying to get the gear up the narrow shaft.

"Shit." I started to climb up the shaft after the gear. I wasn't much of a climber, heights scared me a little, but I did it anyway. I climbed up the shaft, bracing my feet on the wall on the opposite side. I'd get myself wedged nicely then the hard part was making myself go up again. I slipped down once, almost falling all the way back, but I boosted my strength with arcane magic and managed to hold onto a rock outcropping with one hand and pulled myself up.

"Lucy, are you okay?" Danny called down, hearing my little scream of frustration and struggles to hang on.

"I'm fine!" I could feel the sweat rolling down my back and my hands were sore from gripping rocks, but I finally managed to get up to the level of the stuck gear. "Pull, Danny!" I pushed on it from below, but it was well and truly wedged. I pushed as hard as I could, boosting my strength with everything magical I had. I did succeed in boosting it a few inches higher but it stuck again. With much fear of falling, I took one of my feet off the wall and rammed my back into the other wall. I used my free foot to kick and push at the pack, my hands helping to hold me against the wall.

"Danny, it's no good, I can't budge it. It's completely stuck." I spoke haltingly, my breath coming in pants. "Leave the damn gear and get out. I'll fly out and meet you up top." I could feel the darkspawn strongly. There were a lot of them and they were close.

"Be careful, Lucy."

"Yeah." I took one more kick at our jammed stuff, more out of anger than anything else. It wasn't bad enough that we had to travel through territory swarming with darkspawn, but now we had to do it without the stuff we needed to survive.

I carefully descended. The darkspawn felt very close, I hoped they weren't to the cave yet. I landed on my feet lightly, extinguished my mage light, and crept quietly toward the main part of the cave. I could hear the clanging of their armor, their panting grunts and worse, their dander was arriving ahead of them. I sneezed loudly. "Crap!" I yelled. No use being quiet now.

Just then an exceptionally large hurlock ran into the cave, drawing an enormous ax and charging at me. "Arghuababbagarbarbar!" he yelled, or something like that.

"That's easy for you to say," I muttered as I filled my hand with flame and threw a fireball into his face. The cave was too small for a full-sized pyrotechnical barrage. Even so, the small fire worked. He dropped his ax and clawed at his face, shouting something else unintelligible. I quickly shifted to crow form and flapped out of the cave, staying as close to the top of the entrance as possible, hoping they would assume I was just a bird.

The plan worked fairly well, but a darkspawn emissary spotted me and hit me with some sort of foul, poisonous magic. I'd been hit with it before as a human. It wasn't all that powerful. However, as a crow, it was more devastating. I went blind. It burned my eyes and I could feel the poison seeping into my lungs. I kept flying. I tried to remember how high the cliff was and which way was up and hoped my vision would clear.

I flew as high as I thought I should go then cut over what I hoped was the top of the cliff, but I crashed into the side of it instead. I cawed loudly, hoping Danny could hear me, and I fell. I tried to slow my fall, but my wings kept crashing into the side of the cliff. Finally I was able to grab something with a claw and stop my descent. It felt like a twig. I hung by my foot, upside down and blinded. I swung in the breeze, hoping the emissary wasn't going to cast on me again, and wondering if I were going to end up in a pile of black feathers at the bottom of the cliff.

I coughed and choked a few times and it seemed like some of the poison came out of me. The breeze blew the miasma away from me and my vision slowly cleared. I saw the twig more clearly, but not much more. I managed to get my other foot wrapped around it and I pulled myself up, using my beak to help. I wretched a bit and felt better. In another minute my vision had completely cleared. I had gotten almost to the top of the cliff. The darkspawn seemed uninterested in me; they were swarming into the cave. I leapt off the twig and flapped, hoping I could still fly. Luck was with me and I did fly, although I felt weak and disoriented.

Danny was on top of the cliff, pacing nervously. I landed at his feet and transformed. "Lucy! Where were you?" He handed me my staff.

"An emissary hit me with a spell as a crow. I was blinded. Let's get out of here." I pulled on his arm. "I expect the darkspawn are going to follow us." I cast a quick healing spell on myself to purge the poisonous magic. I cast a rejuvenation spell on both of us and we took off at a good pace, especially since we were free of any baggage except what we were wearing and our weapons. I would have turned into a horse, but the terrain was too rough, so we ran.

We ran north, toward the road. I wasn't sure that was the best way to go, since the darkspawn were so heavy on the road, but at least we could go faster. Periodically, when we were gasping for breath, we would stop and I would rejuvenate us again. There would be a price to pay when we finally rested. The crash would be harsh, and in Danny's half-starved state, I feared it would be especially hard on him.

Finally I felt Danny tugging on my weapon halter. "Stop. We've lost them."

I stopped and bent over, breathing hard, resting my hands on my knees. "God, I always hated running." I coughed; my throat was irritated from the heavy breathing. "Although, I have to confess, Elissa's body is definitely better suited to it than mine ever was."

"You're doing better than I am. I think my lungs are going to burst."

I snorted. "Well, you are thirty years older than Elissa and you've been starving for a few days." The last rejuvenation spell was still pulsing away in us; otherwise I think we would have both fallen to the ground.

"We need to figure out where to go." Riordan scanned the horizon to the north. Behind us, south, it was solid trees going uphill.

"Crap! I even have a pretty good map, one Loghain gave me, but it's wedged in that stupid cave, as is the orb... and the damn soap!" I kicked at a small rock with my boot in my irritation. "From what I recall, we're almost midway between Redcliffe and Denerim, maybe a little closer to Redcliffe. We could go to Redcliffe and contact the compound in Denerim. I sent mages and scouts to there with an orb."

"If we're in the middle, then let's just go to Denerim. Then we won't have to backtrack."

"Uh, of course." I wasn't thinking clearly.

"Unless... there's a reason you want to go to Redcliffe?" He looked at me askance.

I furrowed my brow and looked at him. "Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know." He started walking, northeast. "Perhaps a handsome bann?"

"Ah... oh! You mean Arl Teagan?" I laughed. "That's long over. He's married by now." I glanced at him. "Did you really think that's why I suggested Redcliffe?"

We trudged on awhile before he responded. "No. Well... at least, now I know."

_What was this?_ I said nothing. I was rather stunned; he hadn't ever displayed any sort of jealousy before.

He stopped suddenly and grasped my upper arms, stopping me in my tracks. "Look, Lucy, I swore to myself I'd never do this. I didn't want either of us to be distracted by emotions that might make it harder to do what we have to do." His jaw was tense and his fingers dug into my upper arms. His voice was rough with emotion. "I've spent the last few days thinking I was going to die without ever having told you."

"Danny, you don't have to. I know." His intensity almost scared me. He was normally such a low-key guy, but right now there was pain written on his face, in the furrows between his eyes.

"I do. I don't want to die without telling you how much I love you, Lucy." His eyes held mine. He was exposing his emotions for the first time since I'd met him. It was obviously difficult for him.

I realized that this was the first man in a long time whose confession of love didn't make me ashamed of myself for some reason. For not returning it, or because I had used the man for my own purposes, or Grey Warden purposes. This time it was simple and completely uncomplicated. "Danny, I..."

"You don't have to say anything to me, Lucy. I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have said anything. I don't want you to feel you have to reciprocate, or say anything." He let go of my arms suddenly and turned away to resume walking.

I could only imagine how vulnerable that confession made him feel. "But I do, Danny." He stopped walking but didn't turn around. I smiled at the back of his head. "Because, I do love you." I walked up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and my face against his back. "It's like you never shut off your Warden call. There's always something pulling me to you." I felt the tension go out of him and I leaned against his back.

He turned around and framed my face with his hands and kissed me softly. "I can't begin to tell you how much having you near me has brought me comfort from what the future surely brings."

I nodded. "Me too, my love." I smiled up at him. "Let's just stay here, in the present. I don't want to think any further ahead than I have to."

He nodded, the lines at the corners of his eyes forming again. "I agree. Don't dwell in the past or the future."

My darkspawn senses were twitching again. "Although, we might want to think about five minutes into the future, because there are darkspawn coming."

"I think it's time we made a stand, Lucy. Let's kill these bastards." He unsheathed his daggers.

I pulled my staff off my back and prepared for the darkspawn making their noisy approach. I reached gratefully for my lyrium necklace and rejuvenated us again.

It felt good to fight after running for so long. Our light wounds were easily healed and I felt almost buoyant with joy after Danny's confession. He seemed in particularly good spirits too. When the last genlock fell, his face melted by flame, Danny pinned me against a tree trunk and kissed me passionately. Their blood, still wet on our armor, smeared as our bodies came together in that heated embrace. If our senses weren't tingling again with darkspawn in the area, we'd be focusing on the tingling elsewhere. We broke apart with reluctant sighs and resumed our trek to the northeast, toward Denerim.

~o~o~o~

We reached the West Road the next day. It had been a hellish trek to the road. We got very little sleep since one of us had to be awake at all times. Several times we had to fight in the middle of the night. We existed on grubs and a snake that looked unblighted. Water was no issue; I could summon it from my hands. So we were clean and Riordan was shaved but starving. I kept the rejuvenation spell running on us constantly. I wasn't quite sure what would happen to us when I finally let it wear off, but I suspected the backlash would be fierce.

Once we got to the road I transformed into my long neglected horse form and Riordan rode me, bareback. We devised a means of limited communication while I was in horse form. We met more darkspawn, especially the first two days on the West Road. The groups weren't so large that we couldn't handle them, but they came with alarming frequency.

"They're getting thicker," Riordan commented. "Not a horde yet, but it won't be long. The archdemon will almost certain come from the south."

I snorted a horsey reply. I could keep up a trot for a long time, even longer than normal because I stopped to rejuvenate myself periodically. We set off at first light and traveled until I couldn't see well enough to be sure of my feet. Only once did we encounter a group of darkspawn large enough that we decided to evade them rather than fight them.

With every day that passed I worried about what everyone back in Denerim must assume from our lack of contact with them. I hoped they wouldn't leap to the conclusion that we had died, and I really, really hoped they wouldn't come looking for us.

At last, on the fourth day since leaving the cave, we came across a small village that hadn't been ravaged by darkspawn. We decided to stop and rest. Riordan asked around and we found someone willing to board us for as long as we needed, once they found out we were Grey Wardens. The village was one of the few that had put together an effective militia to meet the small, so far, attacks of the darkspawn. Still, they were happy to have a pair of Grey Wardens with them.

They fed us well. Danny needed it worse than I did and he nearly nodded off at the dinner table after filling his belly. We excused ourselves and went to our room and had barely shucked off our armor when we fell into bed and a deep, dreamless sleep. I had let the rejuvenation wear off and finally the price would be paid. I'm not sure the archdemon himself could have awoken us. We slept nearly an entire day.

I woke to the sun setting on the following day, and a nearly bursting bladder. I scrambled out of bed and ran to the chamber pot. It felt almost like I was running through gelatin, my body felt so slow and tired. I thought it would take another day like this to completely restore myself.

Danny awoke as I crawled back into bed, groaning with exhaustion. "Lucy." He smacked his lips, more asleep than awake. "Is it dawn?"

I snuggled into his chest. "Sunset, love. We've slept almost an entire day."

"Shit." He stretched like a big cat. "We should have been on the road today."

I just grumbled and burrowed into him. He untangled himself and got up to relieve himself. When he came back he woke me up. "Get up, Lucy. We should eat something."

I opened my eyes trying to focus on him. "Food, right." My eyes kept trying to go closed again. On the count of three I would get up. I yawned. "One." I plumped up my pillow and put my head back on it, closing my eyes for just a moment.

The next moment, or so it seemed, Riordan, fully dressed, was standing over me shaking my shoulder. "Up, Lucy. They have dinner waiting for us." He sat beside me on the bed and kissed my forehead while I pried my eyes open again. "Come on, sweetheart."

"Two," I said as my eyes began to drift closed again.

"Three." Danny yanked the pillow out from under my head.

"Cruel man!" My head clunked onto the mattress and my eyes were open again, trying to focus.

Danny grabbed an arm and pulled me up into a sitting position.

"All right, I'm up!" I slung my legs out from under the blankets and sat on the edge of the bed. Usually I was one to bound out of bed, but the bounding wasn't going to happen today. Danny helped me dress and I grumbled the entire time. He guided me to the kitchen where the rest of the family was finishing up eating.

I tried to look pleasant and friendly, even though my eyes still wanted to close. I felt like a bear woken from hibernation a few months too early. I shoveled through my dinner, trying to cling to wakefulness. Fortunately Riordan was awake enough to make polite conversation, because I sure wasn't.

"We will be leaving in the morning," he told the couple who had volunteered to put us up.

The couple offered to give us some badly needed supplies, what they could. A few blankets, some food and some clothes.

"Soap perhaps?" I asked hopefully. I could do without blankets, but Danny needed them. Soap, however, was another matter entirely.

"Aye, my lady Warden. I make my own soap, I will send a bar with you," the woman offered.

"Maker's blessing on you," I murmured shoveling more of the hot, filling stew into my mouth.

After we finished eating and the children left the table, Riordan sipped slowly at a glass of beer. "There is something more we should discuss." He seemed reluctant to say anything and paused looking for the right words. "The darkspawn are gathering in the south. The horde will amass again and the archdemon will rise very soon, I'm afraid. There is a reasonably good chance they will go east, toward Denerim. If so... your village lies in their path."

The man and woman looked at one another in alarm. "What should we do?" the man asked.

I hoped Riordan had a good answer; the only one I could think of was _run away._

"You should evacuate to the north. If we can we'll stop them before they get to Denerim, but it might be safer to go to Gwaren or Amaranthine, perhaps Highever. You need to spread the word to your neighbors here."

The couple looked stunned. "Leave?" the woman said. "How soon?"

Danny frowned, thinking about his answer. "I don't know. It is impossible to tell. Only gather together what you absolutely must to survive and go north as soon as possible. Delay no more than a few days at most."

He finished his beer and we left the couple to resume our interrupted sleep. They looked utterly devastated by the news. Of course they would, who wouldn't? I only hoped they heeded his warning.

The hot meal and beer simply made me even sleepier and my mandate for sleep all the more urgent. I couldn't have cared less about undressing. I laid my tired head on the pillow and fell asleep, only vaguely aware that someone was tugging on my boots. Then even that small amount of consciousness faded.

~o~o~o~

We left the next morning at dawn, before the sun had even risen above the horizon to the west.

_Yes, the west. _I often went for days or weeks forgetting that I was essentially an extraterrestrial, or whatever the equivalent word would be on this planet, and then something as simple as a sunrise would remind me abruptly of my alien status. This world rotated differently than earth. The odd thing was, I didn't even have a name for this place beyond Thedas, which was the continent where we were. When I tried to ask questions about what they called their planet, I only drew blank looks. Astronomy either hadn't been invented or else I hadn't yet run into anyone knowledgeable of it. So, as far as I knew, there was no name for their planet.

I often irritated Danny with my questions about such things, for instance insisting that the sun didn't move across the sky but that we were moving around the sun and spinning while we did it. One night when I wasn't utterly exhausted from traveling I set up a mock solar system with rocks to show him how it worked, using my mage light in place of the sun. I had him nearly convinced after that demonstration.

It took us five more days of hard traveling to reach the outskirts of Denerim. I transformed back to human and we walked into town together. I had never been so happy to smell the horrible, yet oddly comforting, smells of open sewage and unwashed bodies.

"Lady Cousland?" A guard stopped us at the gate into town.

"Oh, Maker. No!" I cursed. The last major trek I had undertaken Loghain had had me accosted at the gate on our return and made me see him immediately. My shower, rest and meal had to be delayed for several hours while I reported to him. I was _not_ going to be bullied again.

"Teyrn Loghain..." the guard continued.

"Can wait!" I snapped at him.

Riordan smiled at me conspiratorially. "I think Warden Cousland and I require some time to refresh ourselves. Please tell the Teyrn that we are back and reasonably well, however exhausted. We will report to him tomorrow morning."

I grinned at Riordan, remembering again why I loved him. "Yes. What he said."

The guard frowned. "But my lady, the Teyrn said I must bring you immediately."

I frowned at him and spoke without thinking deeply on my reply. "You'll have to arrest me then, because I am going back to the Warden compound. Right now." With that I turned and began to walk, hoping with each step that I wouldn't be arrested. I needed sleep and food. My mind and body were worn out. I didn't have the mental or emotional faculties to spar with Loghain now.

A glance back confirmed the guard turned away, walking in the direction of the palace.

_Hoo boy_, Loghain was going to be pissed.

~o~o~o~

_**Notes: **My thanks, as always, to Biff McLaughlin, whose stories you should also read, for her terrific beta-reading! And as always, my heartfelt thanks to my reviewers. Getting feedback keeps me going. Otherwise I'm just singing in the shower, ya know? _

_I have a one-shot in progress which is going to be a Zevran tale, for those who like the sexy, scampy assassin. He does something rather bad in the story, but his reasoning might be sound. It is a little dark, but will end on a hopeful note. Remember when Wynne lectures our warden and tells him/her that love is ultimately selfish? Turns out she was right._


	54. The Archdemon Rises Twice

**The Archdemon Rises Twice**

The Warden compound was a happy place when Danny and I walked in unexpectedly that morning. Alistair was nearly in tears, fearing he had lost the only other Wardens, and his closest friends. Morrigan seemed quite relieved too and that surprised me. Zevran was inscrutable, as always, but I knew his feelings would leak out slowly in private. Danny and I gave an abbreviated version of our adventure and even our curious companions could see our exhaustion and suppressed their curiosity enough to allow us to get some sleep.

We made our weary way to our room and got into bed and settled into paying the piper for our overuse of magic to speed us home, when the door opened and Zevran came in bearing a large tray with food. "You both look far too thin. I think you should eat before you sleep." He looked at me and smiled. "Scooch over, bella."

I wiggled over to the middle of the bed and Zevran sat where I had been laying, stretching out his legs and resting the tray on his lap. He gave us both food and poked me with a finger every time my eyes started to close.

"Stop it." My voice sounded querulous, sleepy and irritable, even to myself. The bed was soft, I was snug between the two men, and the last rejuvenation spell had long since faded. I took a bite of warm bread dripping with butter and honey and it tasted wonderful, better than grubs, lizards and snakes. I sighed happily and my eye lids dropped like they were wearing concrete boots. It was not to be denied any further. I fell asleep, sitting up in bed, holding the bread.

~o~o~o~

_I was a crow, flying across what I think wa__s the Bannorn, judging from the fields of grain below me. I was drawn to the south, pulled by some fantastical song that promised joy, peace and... oh, baby... mind blowing pleasure. I was reminded of Ulysses and the sirens, only I wasn't tied to a mast. I was being reeled in and I didn't have the slightest inclination to stop._

_Finally I came to a broad hole dug into the ground, one large enough to fit a very large dragon. I knew what would come next. That big ass monster from the Deep Roads was going to climb out of that pit and the world would end. I didn't care; I just wanted to hear more of that song, especially the part about the mind blowing pleasure._

_I transformed back to human and waited impatiently at the edge of that pit when I finally saw something beginning to crawl out. A hand reached forth; a human hand, although tinted in an inhuman shade of mauve. Then an arm and another hand. They were large, muscular, perfectly sculpted if unusually tinted. I could see the muscles sliding under the flesh as they tightened to pull the weight of the being they were attached to into view. The top of a head emerged, graced with a fine mane of black hair. A pair of faultlessly arched eyebrows adorned a forehead so finely wrought that it took my breath away. Under that pair of heavy brows were golden eyes, more yellow than brown, with slitted pupils. His nose was strong, but elegant, his cheekbones high, his jaw strong. Slowly, inch by inch, this incomparable creature emerged. His head led to a muscular neck, corded with muscle and sinew, which lead to consummate shoulders, broad and strong, which lead to a chest that looked as if it had been chiseled from mauve granite, down to a slender waist that dipped fetchingly to hip bones that could only have been created by a master sculptor who spontaneously combusted with the absolute sublimity of his creation._

_I held my breath, not daring to speculate about the next part of this perfect creature's anatomy to come into view. He stopped his emergence, as if sensing my eyes upon him, and turned his head to look at me. His eyes met mine and his lips – did I mention they were flawless too? – curled in a peerlessly formed smile. I was running out of hyperbole and we hadn't even gone beyond his hip bones._

_I was never a fan-girl of celebrities in my life. Now I knew what it was like. This was Elvis, Justin Beiber, the vampire Lestat, and Michael Jackson__ all rolled up into one impossibly beautiful man. I would have ripped his clothes off, had he been wearing any. My knees went weak as his ascent continued. I nervously licked my dry lips and watched._

_Michelangelo's David is a pretty nice looking fellow until you get to the dangling bits and then you can't help but think "Is that all there is?" like that Peggy Lee song. Somehow you look at this bigger than life sculpture and you want it ALL to be bigger than life. If Michelangelo had given his David a heroic schlong, I might have become an art major._

_Fortunately Michelangelo had no part in the design of the creature before me. He was heroic in every sense of the word. I almost forgot to look at his thighs and legs as he finished emerging. More muscle and sinew, more perfection, it was simply redundant at this point._

"_Lucy, I'm home," he said, his voice a rumbling baritone, lightly tinged with a Spanish accent._

_My name on his lips with that incomparable voice made me gasp with desire._

_He stood and walked toward me while I gawped at him. Then he extended his hand to me, like God reaching his hand to Adam on the Sistine Chapel, and I reached for him. When the tips of our fingers met, unimaginable pleasure coursed through my finger and throughout my body, nearly frying my brain circuits and shorting out my electrical systems. My heart pounded arrhythmically for a moment and I flopped about like I'd been tasered. It's so embarrassing to lose control of your body in front of a God._

"_Thank you for coming," the baritone voice rumbled. Then he broke into a laugh that started slow and built. It alarmed me that his laugh started with a distinctive "Bwa" syllable, which was never a good sign. "Oh dear, I am funny for an Old God, don't you think?" He ran a hand through his glorious ebony mane and flipped his head back in a universal gesture of vanity__._

_I swallowed hard. I was terrified. His simple touch had not only brought me extreme pleasure it had nearly killed me. I tried to think, but it was difficult when it seemed as if my brain had fallen into my smalls. I struggled to regain my feet, feeling quite ungainly, ugly and imperfect next to him. "Why did you call me here?" I asked him, my voice sounding tinny and insignificant._

"_Ah, that question has an interesting answer, my dear. You do seem to be at the beck and call of the old ones lately." He rubbed at his chin thoughtfully._

"_Ones? Plural?" I asked. My brain was beginning to reengage._

"_Well, it seems Flemeth brought you here to begin with, to destroy me as it were." He shook his head sadly. "I just can't let that happen, I rather enjoy existing."_

_Old Gods, perhaps? This must be Urthemiel aka archdemon. I knew he was a god of beauty worshiped by the ancient Tevinters. The Old Gods were supposedly imprisoned underground by the Maker because they were "false gods" and probably competition for worshipers. The darkspawn were supposedly those magisters who entered the Golden City, who worshiped the Old Gods. The Maker cast them out and turned them into darkspawn, but they're forever seeking the Old Gods who call to them from their underground prisons._

"_Was Flemeth an Old God?" I asked._

"_Was?" Urthemiel's mirth bubbled over again. "Bwa-ha-ha-ha! You imagine Flemeth is gone? You amuse me, child." He regained his composure and continued: "No, she's not an Old God, she's just been around a long time. I knew her way back. She was just a worshiper at one time, but someone entrusted her with a little too much power."_

"_I could have sworn we killed her." I was skeptical of his claims._

"_Doubtful, my delicious girl, but that is hardly relevant to your question: Why did I call you here?" He stepped closer to me and reached out for me._

_I remembered that his last touch nearly killed me so I danced back in fear. It seemed I wasn't entirely helpless before him._

"_Oh come, child, don't fear me. I won't do that to you again, unless you beg me to." He closed the gap between us and wrapped an arm around my shoulders._

_My brain slid back into my smalls. I barely had sensibility enough to realize that he was using his touch to make sure I couldn't think straight. I pulled away and my self-control came back to me. "Just the same, keep your distance. Back to the topic, please."_

_Urthemiel frowned at me. "Very well. I wanted an audience for my glorious release from the prison where I have been trapped for so long. The darkspawn are too dimwitted to make an appreciative audience and I can't really announce myself to any but the Grey Wardens, so I find that you will just have to do."_

_I clapped politely. "It was quite dramatic, if a bit overblown. The lighting could have been better, frankly. It could have used a musical score, too. Even so, I'd give it a thumbs-up."_

_He shook his head. "You disappoint me, Lucy. I thought you, of all the Grey Wardens, would appreciate me." He stepped closer to me and again wrapped an arm around my shoulders._

"_Watch yourself, Urthie, I'll not be manipulated like that again." A hard kernel of long nurtured skepticism, of my deeply ingrained irreverence, and my lifelong suspicion of authority popped and seemed to emerge from the steaming split-pea soup of desire I felt for this Old God. I was not defenseless. I bit the inside of my cheek and clenched my hands, letting the nails bite into my skin, trying to ensure I didn't lose my wits again._

_He laughed again and it unsettled me. Every time he did that it just got creepier. "As if you even have a choice, delicious girl."_

_I didn't like the way he said 'delicious' as if he meant it literally._

"_I have a proposition for you, Lucy."_

_He pulled me closer to him and tipped my face up to look into his. It became harder to resist. My hands were getting slippery from blood and I tasted blood in my mouth from biting my cheek._

"_I have been imprisoned a very, very long time." His voice purred to me, a basso rumbling sort of purr, like a very large cat. "It has been rather lonely."_

_I swallowed hard. I didn't like where this was going. The little archdemon was rising too; I could feel it pressing against me. I needed a whole lot of Orville Redenbacher kernels of resistance to pop, and very soon._

"_I realize I don't look the part, but I've always wanted to settle down, raise a family, have a loving wife. The Maker isn't the only god with those inclinations, after all. I find I'm rather fond of you. I like the cut of your jib. That was very cute the time you snuck into the Deep Roads to take a look at me and sneezed." One of his fingers, with a disconcertingly sharp nail, ran along my jaw._

_I blinked in disbelief. The archdemon was proposing to me? "Aren't you normally a big fucking dragon? In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a human. I don't think it would work. Tab A wouldn't fit into slot B, if you catch my drift. Besides, I'm allergic to darkspawn."_

"_Ah, Lucy, have faith. I'm a God, I can make it work." His eyes half closed and he smiled at me. "Admit it, you're curious."_

"_And you're tainted," I added._

"_So are you," he shot back._

_Damn. It was as if he knew my weaknesses and how to play to them. Somehow I doubt he knew my strengths, those kernels of resistance that were bubbling up. I closed my eyes, trying to shut him out of my vision, but he seemed to be burned onto my retinas. "If I agreed, would you stop the attack on humanity and leave everyone alone?"_

_What the hell? Was I actually thinking of agreeing? Would I if he agreed to stop ravaging the lands and killing people? What if he said 'yes'? How did I know he isn't lying? I had no experience with the credibility of Old Gods, much less tainted Old Gods. He could just say whatever he wanted, mate with me, and perhaps his young would burst out of my chest, alien fashion, and consume me for their first meal. I shivered with disgust. Good. Disgust was good._

"_Oh no, I couldn't do that. Your kind has got to go to make room for my worshipers. You, however, as my bride and mother of my children, will be at my side for all time."_

_Ew. I couldn't imagine spending a year with this narcissistic, vain dude, much less eternity. I eased up on clenching my fists and biting my cheek, his appeal was fading. Guys like him would do so much better if they never opened their mouths._

"_No thanks," I said calmly._

_His brow furrowed. "What? You reject me, Urthemiel, the God of incomparable beauty?" He scrutinized me closely. "I suppose Flemeth knew what she was about, plucking one of your kind from your world and putting you here. You're almost immune to my charms, aren't you?"_

"_Almost?" I laugh. Pop, pop. Kernels of irony and abhorrence popped. My backbone grew stronger._

"_I haven't really even tried, dear girl."_

_He leaned over me, his face hovering inches above mine and then he kissed me. Again the wild desire coursed through me. I struggled against him shouting, "No, no, no, NO!", my breath coming in gusts, fighting against him, fighting against my own desires, cursing the hormones flooding Elissa's body. I could feel my resolve crumbling, my mouth opening under his. I was lost! Then I remembered the lyrium necklace, drew on it, and felt my willpower surging back._

"NO!" I screamed and pushed him away. I was blind suddenly. I couldn't see a thing, my limbs were mummified, held in place by bonds of some sort. I struggled against them, shouting my refusal over and over. My hand reached for my lyrium necklace trying to find it, but it was gone.

"Lucia!" Zevran held my shoulders trying to still me. "Wake up. It's just a dream."

I suddenly snapped back into reality and quickly kindled a mage light, my body still flooded with adrenaline and my heart hammering away in my chest. Zevran's face hovered above me, looking concerned. Beside me Riordan was muttering and thrashing in a crescendo of fear. I never wear my lyrium necklace at night, just in case I have another crazy magical dream, I remembered. Strange how I thought I had been wearing it.

"Lucy, no! Run!" Riordan's arms flailed about and clobbered me on my cheek. Zevran hopped over me and tried to wake him while holding his arms in place.

I rubbed my cheek. "Holy crap... I wonder if he's dreaming the same thing I did?" The thought was disturbing. Was the archdemon propositioning him too? I wondered what his proposition entailed. Surely he didn't suggest that Danny bear his children.

"It sounds similar, although some of your vocalizations were a little more sensual. Must have been an awesome dream, well, until the end." Zevran slapped Danny's cheek lightly. "Wake up, my friend."

Danny sat bolt upright giving a tremendous yell and I heard another yell echoing down the hall. "Stay with Danny, Zev. I'll go see Alistair."

I threw on someone's shirt. I wasn't exactly sure whose it was; one of the guys. It covered enough of me. I ran down the hallway to Alistair's room and threw open the door. He was still in the thrashing stages and had nearly pulled free of his covers. His arms and legs were completely tangled in his bed covers. I stood over him, dodging flailing arms and tried to soothe him.

"Alistair, it's me, Lucy. Wake up, Al." I put a hand on his forehead, trying to reach him gently in his dream. "Alistair. Thedas to Alistair. Come in Alistair. Can you read me?"

He gave a last, horrific shout which probably woke everyone, and sat up in bed, panting hard. "Sweet Maker!" His eyes slowly focused on me. "Lucy? You're all right? I saw you going to him, standing right in front of the archdemon. What were you doing? Talking to him?"

I shivered suddenly. Had we all had a similar dream? What did it mean? "Al, why don't you get up. Let's go talk to Danny about this."

My exhaustion was forgotten. Alistair got up and went back to my room where Danny was sitting on the side of the bed and Zevran was sitting next to him.

"You see, ragazzo, Lucia is fine." Zevran squeezed Riordan's shoulder.

"Would you two tell me what you dreamed?" I asked them. "I think, perhaps, we all saw something similar."

"I dreamed you turned into a crow and flew off. We followed you and you stood in front of a great pit. The archdemon crawled out of it and you walked to it... him... you just stood there, in front of him. He reached out with a giant claw and wrapped it around you. I thought he was going to eat you, but he didn't." He looked at me, his eyes still clouded with the dream. "I think you were talking to him."

"Was he a dragon in your dream?" I asked.

"Yes. What else would he be?" Alistair wiped his hand along his brow. "I think the archdemon has risen."

Riordan nodded wearily. "It certainly seems so. My dream was nearly identical to yours, Alistair."

Zevran fixed me with a piercing look. "What did you dream, Lucia?"

I lifted my hands and looked at them; the gouge marks were there, bleeding only slightly now. The inside of my cheek was swollen and sore. "I think I did talk to him."

Wynne stepped into our room, followed by Morrigan and Leliana. We repeated the tale for their benefit. I omitted the embarrassing details of my dream, merely mentioned that we talked.

"Do you remember what he said?" Leliana asked me.

"Not really. Just a bunch a megalomaniacal rantings about wiping out the humans who weren't worshiping him." I worried at my earlobe with my fingers, blinked rapidly, and my eyes darted around the room.

Leliana blinked at me. "You're a horrible liar, Lucy."

Riordan picked up on my discomfort. "Okay, everyone please go back to bed. There's nothing more we can do tonight so we might as well enjoy our rest."

As everyone filed out of the room, Riordan clapped a hand on Alistair's back. "Stay a moment, brother."

Zevran made no move to leave.

"Sorry, Zev, Warden business." Riordan clapped him on the back. "Give us a few minutes."

He shot Riordan a dirty look and another to me. I tried to tell him with my expression that I'd reveal everything later. Why not? It seemed my Warden brothers were going to drag all the dirty details out of me.

Zevran left, closing the door behind him and the three of us sat around a table.

"So it seems the archdemon has finally risen. I would imagine that every in Warden in Thedas is awake right now, discussing their dream." Riordan looked at me. "I think they all saw pretty much the same thing we did."

His fingers rapped on the table as both he and Alistair looked at me. The silence extended until I couldn't take it anymore.

"Fine!" I jumped up and began to pace. "I had a different dream, okay? It was... embarrassing."

Riordan grabbed my hand, preventing me from snatching it away when I tried to. There were streaks of blood and the wounds were still there, I hadn't healed them yet. "Tell us, Lucy. It won't go any further than this room, but we should know."

I drew a deep breath. "The archdemon didn't appear as a dragon to me, he was a man. A very beautiful man."

Riordan nodded. "I suppose that makes sense. He was known as the Dragon of Beauty. He can probably look however he wants in the Fade. What did he say to you?" He picked up my hands and looked at the wounds. "How did these happen?"

"He said he wanted an audience. The darkspawn were too dimwitted to appreciate his grandeur rising from his imprisonment, so he called us Wardens to him." I kicked the chair leg angrily. "He's a vain bastard. He wanted to hear how beautiful and glorious he was. I might have disappointed him somewhat with my mixed review."

Alistair smiled. "Good for you, Lucy."

I sighed and yanked the chair out from the table and slumped into it. "He... proposed to me."

"What?" Riordan and Alistair both said together.

"I think he wanted me to be his Andraste... said he wanted to settle down and have babies. He tried to seduce me." I opened my hands and showed them to my brothers. "He was very, very persuasive; however, I resisted." I sought out Danny's eyes. "I have better options waiting at home."

Riordan smiled at me. He looked utterly exhausted; I supposed I did, too. "Well, we should get back to sleep. We'll talk later about what to do now." He looked at Alistair and me, his smile fading. "This is what we've been working toward."

Alistair returned his look, looking very grave. "It is."

I stared at the top of the table, trying hard to contain my sorrow. "The future is here." They both knew what I was talking about. The future none of us really wanted to think about too closely. At least one of us would die, probably all of us.

The three of us rose from the table and I silently hugged Alistair. Riordan joined the embrace. We broke apart and Alistair left us. I got back into bed and Danny held me closely when he joined me. When Zevran returned he held onto us both. I was going to dissolve into tears but I held it together long enough to cast a sleep spell on myself and let a little slop over to Danny, just in case he needed it.

I would think about it tomorrow.

* * *

**Note: **_My thanks, as always, to Biff McLaughlin for beta-reading. _

_I finished another story called "Decision at Fort Drakon". It's an AU where Zevran drastically changes the course of the Dragon Age story. It was written from a prompt on the k-meme. Despite the implications, it isn't altogether depressing. _

_Someday I'm going to write about Alistair's dinner with Anora. _

_Huzzah to the reviewers! I love hearing your feedback. They keeps the creative juices flowing._

_If you like kittens, I've posted a link in my profile to my kitteh videos on youtube._


	55. Party Like There's No Tomorrow

**Party Like There's No Tomorrow**

Morrigan caught me alone the next morning while I was washing up, getting ready to see Loghain and, most likely, the queen.

"You look terrible, Lucy," she said as she examined my face.

"Well, yes, running on very little food for over a week and too much rejuvenation tends to sap one's reserves." I didn't take offense at her observation; she lacked tact through no fault of her own. Flemeth hadn't taught her social conventions, probably because she herself had none.

"You should get back into bed and rest. Tell Loghain where to shove it."

I frowned. "Rest will be hard to come by now that the archdemon has risen." At least until the ultimate rest, I thought.

"Yes, well, I would imagine so." She played with the elaborate necklace she wore. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

I turned and looked at her. "Oh?"

"The archdemon, I mean." She fidgeted nervously.

"I gathered that." I put a hand on her shoulder to reassure her and she didn't flinch away. "What is it, Morri?"

"We've become close, I think. Friends, perhaps, or more like sisters. At any rate, I... care about you. I know what killing the archdemon entails, but I know a way out. A loop in your hole."

I blinked at her. I was pretty sure she wasn't talking about an IUD. "In _my _hole? I suppose I should have that checked out. How did it get there?" I just couldn't resist.

"A loophole, silly. Now is not the time for your jokes! We're having a serious conversation and you must listen." She scowled and wagged a finger at me. "You or your beloved Riordan, or perhaps that idiot Alistair, are going to have to die to kill the archdemon. I'm trying to spare you that."

I squinted at her and cocked my head. "You can do that?" A nugget of hope, a very tiny one, flared. "Summabitch! Why don't the Wardens know how to do this?"

Morrigan bit her lip. "'Tis possible they might, but choose not to do it."

"Ah... I see, one of _those_ things. The cure is worse than the disease. I got it." I tugged on the end of my braid, the nugget of hope shriveling. "Well, let's hear your cunning plan."

"There is a ritual, performed before battle, in the dark of night," she intoned, mysteriously.

"A...ritual?" I didn't know any rituals, only regular magic. "How come you haven't taught me any rituals?"

Morrigan frowned at the interruption. "You didn't ask."

"Of course I didn't. Didn't know there were any." I pouted.

"Fine! I'll teach you some rituals. Can we get back to the topic?" She stamped her foot, losing patience with me.

"Oh right. So you know a mysterious ritual. Sounds good so far. Will we need things like eye of newt?"

She fixed me with a deadly gaze that made me wonder if perhaps she were related to a basilisk. Her eyes were an odd shade... could be! "Lucy, quiet. This is old magic, from before the time the Circle of Magi was created," she continued, dropping her annoyed voice for the mysterious one again.

"That old?" I interrupted yet again. "Was this in Flemeth's grimoire?"

"No!" Her temper flared again. "It's not! Lucy, would you just quiet down and listen?"

I had unintentionally stumbled upon something that piqued my curiosity, but I would contain it, for now. I nodded at her.

"Some might call it blood magic, but that is but a name. There is far more to fear in this world than names."

"I don't know, there are some terrible names out there. Rutherford, or Seymour, is pretty awful. Melchor strikes terror in my heart. My grandmother was named Gertrude. Your own mom was named Flemeth. Those are some pretty fearsome names, in my opinion! Infants squirm in terror of such appellations at their christenings."

Morrigan ignored me this time.

I sunk into reverie once I had exhausted terrible names. I had done blood magic myself with that mysterious ability from Avernus' potion. I wondered if there was magic that used other bodily fluids, like... spit. Spit magic? What would the Chantry think of urine magic? What if you just used the plasma in blood; did blood magic require the actual blood cells? My brain dashed down that alley and I missed part of what Morrigan said.

"...from our joining a child shall be conceived." She looked at me expectantly.

I shook my head. "Wait. What? Back up a moment, my attention wandered."

She sighed. "Focus, Lucy! I said, one of your Grey Warden men must lay with me and we'll conceive a child." She paused and continued. "The child will bear the taint, and when the archdemon is slain, its essence will seek the child like a beacon."

I felt like I'd been walloped upside the head. I bit on a finger while I thought. "Where did you learn all this, if not from Flemeth's grimoire?"

She drew herself up. "I learned it from Flemeth. 'Tis why I was sent with you."

"Ah! Well, that certainly answers that question." The pieces began to fall into place. Flemeth, and Morrigan too, had a secret agenda. "I'm missing something. What happens to the baby?"

"At this early stage, the child can absorb the essence of the archdemon and not perish. The archdemon is destroyed with no Grey Warden dying in the process."

"Okay... so what happens then?" I felt like I hadn't quite heard all the bad news yet.

"The baby is born with the soul of an Old God," she said smugly.

I blinked slowly, inhaling deeply. "Jesus, Morri, do you have idea what this Old God is even like? I met him, he's freaking insufferable!" I looked at her in disbelief. "Do you have any idea of what it is like to be a parent? Babies are demanding! Then they grow up to be teenagers. I can't even begin to imagine what this asshole would be like as a teenager. You'll have to excuse my bluntness but... you don't strike me as the motherly sort. Are you up to this?"

She couldn't possibly know what sort of trouble she was asking for. I wasn't exactly a font of knowledge about motherhood, but I hadn't been raised in a swamp with only a very powerful old witch for company. I had nieces, nephews, and friends with kids in my old life; I knew what parents experienced from their everyday mortal, garden-variety of progeny. I could just imagine Urthemiel getting his first flush of adolescent hormones and the horror he would unleash on the world as a teenager.

"Let me worry about bringing up the child, 'tis not your concern. What you need to do is convince one of your so-called brothers to lay with me. Fortunately Avernus' potion has revitalized Riordan, his taint is much diminished, otherwise he would be an unsuitable choice."

I stared at Morrigan and bit at my thumbnail. It was a Sophie's Choice: two options, neither good. One choice had more imminent, short-term, personal consequences for me and those I was closest to. The other was possibly off in the future, might never affect me at all, perhaps no one would be.

_No! _I shook my head. That's just being intentionally blind to the consequences. I had met Urthemiel, his existence could not bode well for the world, unless the taint had somehow perverted his personality, which I supposed wasn't all that unlikely. But, as he pointed out, I was tainted too. Had it changed my personality? I think having my consciousness transplanted into a new body had changed me more than the taint had. I was dealing with a body thirty years younger; that had to change a person. Some of the wisdom of old age was due to not being pushed around by hormones quite so much.

Morrigan fidgeted waiting impatiently for a reply.

"I need to think about this, Morri. How soon do you need an answer?"

She shrugged. "Hard to say exactly, only that the child must be conceived neither too early nor too late. I think we have some time, but do not tarry over long!"

I sighed. This was a terribad choice. No matter which way I looked at it, I hated it. "All right. I will try to give you an answer soon."

~o~o~o~

After Morrigan left, I finished dressing. Riordan came in and helped me with the armor. We were rather quiet, both of us still exhausted from our travels and now feeling our destinies rushing at us. His touch as he buckled on my armor lingered at times and our eyes met and broke away, saying more than either of us could bear to verbalize.

"It could be weeks yet," Riordan said, breaking our silence.

"We're not ready, Danny." I thought of all the things we needed more time with. The ballistae still needed work; I needed more magic practice and training. We had to collect up the dwarves and Dalish. I would have to contact our outposts and relay instructions.

"We will never be ready, my love." He pulled me in for a kiss; his lips were soft, not demanding. He was right, absolutely right. I would never be ready for this.

I didn't want to take the time right now to explain Morrigan's solution. We had to go see Loghain. I really hoped he wasn't going to yell at me too much for leaving Denerim when he specifically said I couldn't, then everyone thinking we were dead by our loss of contact, and finally for leaving him hanging for a day while we recuperated. I steeled myself for the worst.

All three of us Wardens reported to the palace. It would probably be best to have us all together when we told him the archdemon had arisen. If Anora were there, it might help if Alistair were with us. I hadn't had a chance to talk to Alistair about his dinner with Anora and I didn't want to in front of Riordan, just in case it embarrassed him. Although seeing Alistair with a nuclear blush was hugely fun, I thought I'd be sensitive, just this once.

We were ushered into a conference room with Loghain and his daughter. Anora was looking stunning. She had obviously taken some pains when getting ready for her day. Her hair wasn't up in her usual schoolmarm pair of buns, but was softly arranged on her head and cascading down her back. I couldn't help but notice Alistair's eyes glued to her. A smile passed between the pair of them. I felt a subtle nudge and got a quick, furtive glance from Riordan. He had noticed too.

Loghain was standing beside her chair, glaring at Alistair, and then he turned to glare at me. He opened his mouth to say something, but Anora quickly took the initiative.

"Grey Wardens, I am very glad indeed to see you have returned safely. We were very worried about you both, but now that you're safely back, we would like to know what you learned." She shot her father a quick glance and I thought I detected a hint of a warning in her look.

We had decided ahead of time that I would do the speaking. Riordan's Orlesian accent just riled up Loghain. "My queen," I saluted Anora, Ferelden style with my arms crossed before me, thinking myself quite courtly. "Your grace," I added just to see Loghain flinch. It was a rather amusing charade, privately we were all on first name basis, but as an ensemble we kept to the pretenses. "Danny... I mean Riordan, of course, discovered that the archdemon would rise in the south. The darkspawn are getting quite thick again down there. Thick enough that we had quite a challenge making our way back."

Loghain's eyes narrowed when I used my nickname for Riordan.

"Riordan believed," I continued, "from his assessment that the archdemon would rise soon."

"Believed?" Loghain pressed. "Has something changed your mind?"

I nodded somberly. "Last night..." – It was going to sound weird, although Loghain might believe it, he had witnessed my nightmares first hand – "we all three witnessed the archdemon rising from the Deep Roads in a dream. All of us experienced exactly the same dream. We suspect all Wardens who were sleeping did."

Anora gasped and looked at Alistair with concern on her face. "Can you be so sure the dreams are real?"

Alistair nodded at her. "I am certain, your majesty. We each saw the same thing at exactly the same time. There's no question whatsoever, the archdemon has arisen."

"The horde will collect and move again," Riordan said. "Only this time the archdemon will be leading at the forefront."

Loghain's glares subsided and he face looked more concerned. "Where did the archdemon rise?"

"I'm not positive, my lord, somewhere in the Bannorn, I believe." I remembered that was my impression from the dream. "We still have mages staged in Redcliffe and South Reach. I suspect we'll get reports from them soon."

"How fast will the horde travel?" Loghain asked.

"It's impossible to say, my lord, but I think you can be assured they'll move no faster than a human army. They have all the same considerations we would have, plus they'll probably destroy everything in their path. That will slow them down," Riordan answered.

Loghain rubbed his jaw for a moment thinking. "The only question is, which way will they go? Redcliffe or toward Denerim?"

"Denerim." The answer popped out of my mouth before I even thought about it. I knew, just knew in my gut they would come to Denerim. On reflection it made sense. They'd zeroed in on the Grey Wardens at Ostagar; they'd probably do it this time too.

All the heads in the room swiveled my direction. "How do you know that?" Loghain asked.

"I think the archdemon senses us as much as we sense him. He knows our purpose, that we're a major threat to him. He will want to take us out." It was a half-truth. I actually thought he might hold a grudge against me personally. My refusal of his proposal had been a terrible blow to his massive ego. I was convinced my refusal would trigger a narcissistic rage, a desire to eliminate that which challenged his own belief of his perfection. In a word, me.

"We can't afford to make that assumption," Loghain said. "We'll have your scouts explore their areas. Meanwhile, Lucy, can you contact the dwarves and Dalish and send them to Denerim? It is time to muster our allies."

I nodded. "Yes. Right after we're done here."

Loghain went over the readiness of Denerim's defenses and discussed the feasibility of intercepting the archdemon somewhere outside of the city. Riordan suggested that they would need the ballistae to be elevated and while having the horde attacking the city was undesirable, the various towers around the city would be strategically important.

I was quiet during the discussion, not really having much to add. Medieval warfare just wasn't my forte. I began to ponder on the fact that I might make the perfect archdemon bait. I pictured myself dressed in a white, gauzy gown, tied to a stake, hair and gown blowing fetchingly in the wind as I was left as a sacrifice to appease the dragon. I had a feeling that Urthemiel would find that particularly gratifying.

"Lucy?" Loghain said my name sharply waking me from my depressing daydream.

"Oh! Sorry?"

"I said, we're done here, but I'd like to talk to you further." Loghain's look said a refusal would be impossible.

"As you wish." I knew I was in for a tongue lashing, might as well get it over with. I followed him out of the conference room, to his sitting room.

He gestured to a chair. "Sit." He turned to the guard outside the room. "No interruptions." He shut the door and then turned around, his eyes blazing. "Just what the void did you think you were doing? I told you not to go after him." He leaned over me in the chair, putting his hands on its arms, his face inches above mine.

Ordinarily I try really hard not to let Loghain get to me, but my exhaustion and my interview with the archdemon had left me with less than steely resolve. I cringed, and hated myself for it. "I wasn't going to abandon him without at least trying."

His eyes narrowed. "If he was foolish enough to go off on his own, you should have left him to his fate." He paused a moment. "Why, Lucy? Why risk yourself like that?"

I put my hand over Loghain's, resting on the arm of the chair. "He's vital to the mission. There are only three chances for us to slay the archdemon, as I'm sure I don't have to remind you, and losing one of those chances would be devastating."

He scowled at me. "So you risk your mission even further by putting yourself in harm's way. That makes no sense."

"I also knew the danger to me was minimal. I have abilities..."

"Fuck that, Lucy!" He slammed his fist down on the chair arm. "You risk too much."

I jumped involuntarily. _Shit! Why was he getting to me now?_

"I thought you were dead, Lucy." He finally stood back from the chair, but he didn't lose his glower. "We didn't get any more reports from the Alistair. I came to the compound asking for updates and they had none."

"We had to leave all our gear behind to make a quick exit. I'm sorry." I stood up, not wishing to be trapped in the chair again with Loghain hovering over me. "I _am _sorry you were worried. I did risk a lot, I'm sorry for that. What I'm not sorry for is the results." I put a hand on his forearm. "I would have done the same if it had been you."

Loghain looked away and rubbed his hand over his lips. It was an uncharacteristically indecisive gesture, as if he were struggling for words or trying to decide whether he should say something or not. Then he changed subjects abruptly. "What about this dream you had of the archdemon?"

It was my turn for indecisiveness. Should I tell him the details? Did he really need to know? "What do you want to know? I saw him rising from the Deep Roads."

Loghain sighed. "When did you stop trusting me, Lucy?" He gently took my hand and pulled me over to the divan. We sat down together and he kept hold of my hand. "I need to know what you know. If it has anything to do with our success or failure, I need to know. Even if you think it might not, just tell me."

I looked at him and felt guilty. We were allies, we had been lovers, couldn't we at least be friends now? He squeezed my hand.

"All right." I sighed. "I feel ridiculous telling you this. The dream wasn't a normal dream. I was in the Fade with the archdemon as I suppose were all the Wardens. The only thing is, I talked to him."

Loghain smiled a bit and shook his head. "Somehow I should have guessed that you would."

"He called me to him. I was drawn irresistibly. We talked. He mentioned Flemeth, knew she had brought me here. He knew that I had _sneezed_ in the Deep Roads when we snuck down to see him." I shivered. "He could have killed us, but he didn't." I stared at Loghain vacantly, my eyes looking but not seeing; remembering instead the dream I'd only woken from a few hours prior. "He knew _me_."

"The other Wardens didn't talk to him in their dream?" Loghain asked gently.

I shook my head. "No, apparently I was singled out for that _honor_. They saw me talking to him though." I didn't want to say the next part, but I knew I should entrust Loghain with it. He should know that Urthemiel was going to be coming for _me_. "He proposed to me. Said he wanted me to be the mother to his children. His Andraste." I said it flatly.

Loghain blinked several times and exhaled. "You're sure this wasn't just some sort of dream?"

I opened my hands, the wounds on them were still there. I hadn't healed them for some reason. I showed them to him. "He is... compelling. I could scarcely resist. He is very beautiful, very desirable. His touch..." I shivered at the memory, "it's..." words failed me, "good. Very good. I dug my fingernails into my hands to resist. I bit my cheek until it bled, even then I was failing, until I remembered..." My hand went to the necklace that was in my dream, but I hadn't been wearing. "I turned him down."

Loghain's eyes followed my hand to the necklace he had given me. He looked at me with a puzzled expression. "Good. Then what?"

"It was a near thing. I woke up shouting and struggled against my covers and a few moments later the other Wardens awoke. They had seen Urthemiel as a dragon, not a beautiful man like I had. They saw me talking to him and they saw him pick me up in his gigantic claw. I experienced something different."

Loghain looked keenly interested. "What exactly?"

I shivered again. Even recalling it was causing that feeling of helpless desire to roll through my body again. "He kissed me," I whispered. "What if I had..." I couldn't complete the sentence. What if I had agreed?

"It's irrelevant, you didn't." His voice brought me back to myself.

"No. There is something else, however. A reason why I think he will come to Denerim. This god has a very high opinion of himself. He believes he is irresistible and that he would win me over, but I escaped from the Fade before he did. I flatly turned him down. I defied his belief in his perfection. I suspect that irritates him very much."

"So you think he'll come to Denerim to woo you again?" Loghain asked.

"Probably just to terminate me, with extreme prejudice. I dealt a blow to his enormous ego. I expect he would come for the Grey Wardens anyway, just as he had the horde seek us out at Ostagar." I looked away from Loghain. "I suppose you could use us as bait, perhaps me in particular." I flashed back to the scene I had visualized earlier and smiled bitterly.

Loghain sat quietly for a moment. "If your dream is true and the archdemon really would come for you, we could take advantage of that, tactically."

I nodded, feeling miserably like a poisoned peanut set out to lure a gopher, or a chunk of steak laced with narcotic thrown to a dog. I guess I'd have to go shopping for my sacrificial virgin dress. At least I could go out looking good. They could enshrine the tattered, bloody remnants of my white, gauzy dress and perhaps a hank of my red hair, and any stray toes or fingers the archdemon didn't consume. Years from now people would buy fake toe bones on the ancient relic market, believing it was a piece of me. Here I had been so worried about one of us striking the killing blow and dying, I hadn't even thought of this whole other way of dying.

Something must have shown on my face. Loghain put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. "I won't let anything happen to you, Lucy."

I pulled away. "Stop saying that. I'm tired of hearing these meaningless platitudes! People are going to die. I'm going to die. It is what Grey Wardens do, Loghain. It's time I accepted that and stopped feeling sorry for myself before I do something stupid in a craven attempt to escape my fate. I don't want to die, I don't want my companions to die, but there are worse options."

I suddenly knew my answer to Morrigan.

"What do you mean?" Loghain asked.

I shook my head. "Flemeth's daughter, Morrigan, offered me an alternative. She knows a way of evading the inevitable death of a Warden."

Loghain looked alarmed. "You turned her down?"

I shook my head. "Not yet, but I will."

My decision revitalized me. I shook off the malaise I'd felt ever since I had awoken from that dream. I felt free of the terrible weight of fear that had been like an invisible bronto on my chest. I realized that I was going to die and I was okay with it. I felt a lot of interesting possibilities spinning out ahead of me – very short-term ones, but interesting nonetheless. It removed the burden of guilt I had been carrying. All my deceptions, my licentiousness, the murders, suddenly none of that really mattered at all, because I was going to die. It was oddly freeing.

I turned to Loghain. "It's okay though. It really is okay."

I got up and strode over to his brandy decanter. I poured a healthy portion into a glass and chugged it. I gasped and wheezed as it burned down my throat. "Shit!" I set the glass down forcefully and returned to Loghain. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him passionately, startling him. It took a moment before he kissed me back. Then I pulled away, grinning. I left him sitting there with a dumbfounded expression on his face as I walked out of his sitting room and out of the palace.

_Party like there's no tomorrow. _It sounded like a good motto to live the rest of my life by.

~o~o~o~

_**Note:**__Happy birthday, Biff McLaughlin! Thanks for the great beta-reading. Thanks also for letting me leave my participle hanging out there at the end. I almost feel like I should buy a little jock-strap for it._

_Reviewers, I love you. You are my fix, my shot of joy juice that keeps me coming back to this over and over again. I am like a lab rat running the maze to get that pellet at the end. I wonder how real writers (the sort that get paid) keep plugging away without reviews at the end of every chapter? Maybe the dollars serve the same purpose. Well, anyway, I loves me reviews!_


	56. The Fourth Warden

**The Fourth Warden**

"You must be out of your mind, Lucy!" Morrigan's eyes flashed as she shouted at me. "Did you even discuss this with your fellow Wardens?" A barrage of tiny lightning bolts flew out of her hands and ricocheted off the walls, several struck me.

"Ow! Stop it!" I patted at the burning hair on my forearms. "No, Morri, I didn't. I don't think there's anyone in Ferelden in a better position to judge the horrible mistake having an Urthemiel baby would be than me. I talked to him. He has the worst case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder I've ever seen. Combine that with the powers of an old god and..." I threw up my hands with my frustration, "it's just releasing an unnatural disaster on this poor world."

Morrigan tried another tack. She lowered her voice. "Lucy," she said soothingly, "this world needs you. My mother knew this, that's why you're here. Throwing your life away needlessly is a waste. You're a precious resource."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh good grief, Morri, do you imagine I'm that vain? Besides, your mom said she brought me here to stop the Blight. She never mentioned if I would survive it or not."

Morri gave a little scream of frustration. "Is there nothing that will change your mind?"

I sighed and tried to embrace her, but she pulled away from me with an angry jerk. "I'm sorry, Morri, but no. I've made my peace with dying. I'm ready for whatever lies beyond, or not."

Morrigan began opening drawers and pulling her stuff out and piling it on her bed.

"What're you doing?" I asked her.

"Leaving. There's no point in me staying." She slammed a drawer shut and began to furiously stuff her clothes into a pack.

"Don't leave. We still need you. You're still my friend. Besides, you promised to teach me a ritual." I picked up some of her clothes and started to stuff them back into the drawer.

She sent a little lightning bolt into me. It left a nasty burn on my arm. I cursed at her and healed the damage. "Just leave me alone, Lucy. I am leaving. That is final!"

I watched her pack for another minute. My eyes stung with tears. I couldn't believe she was acting like this, being so unreasonable. I was protecting her from a very, very bad decision. She just had no idea how horrible Urthemiel would be. She ignored me and I finally turned away and went back to my own room, slamming the door shut behind me. I threw myself on my bed and stewed. My high from accepting my death was ruined. I had been feeling reckless and carefree, now I was feeling abandoned and betrayed. I couldn't help it, I started to cry and it came out in a flood of tears. I was so wrapped up in my emotions I didn't hear Zevran come in.

"Lucia. Cara, don't cry." He bent over me and pulled my hair away from my face, smoothing it away. He spoke with his mouth right at my ear. "Shush, amore, it was just a fight. I'll talk to her, we'll work it out."

I gulped for air and rubbed my eyes. I pulled myself together. "She's being unreasonable, Zev. There's no reasoning with that woman."

Zevran chuckled. "I have a feeling she'll say the same thing." He held up a cup. "Here's something soothing to drink. Have a little nap. I'll talk to Morrigan. We can work this out."

I sat up and took the glass from him. It smelled like chamomile. "Thanks, Zev." I smiled at him and wiped the tears off my cheeks. I took a long sip of the cool drink, it was very refreshing. "I appreciate your trying to help." I didn't think he would be able to do anything to get her to see reason, but I thought it was sweet he would try to intervene.

He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "Drink it up, amore."

I raised the cup to my lips again. This time I didn't mind that he was trying to slip something to me. He knew I needed rest. I knew I needed it. Rest and escape. I drank deeply.

"All of it. That's my girl." He took the cup and kissed my eyelids. "Now, just lie down and relax. Everything will be all right. Trust me."

My anger and sadness slowly defused. I felt much better. Relaxed. Peaceful. At one with the world. "Zevran..." I whispered, floating blissfully on a cloud, in the sunshine, in my mind, "I should tell you too, since I'm going to die. I do love you, you know?" My eyes slid shut and my thoughts dissolved into that strange pre-dream state where things don't make sense, but awareness isn't completely gone.

"You're not going to die, amore."

I heard nothing more. Perhaps I didn't even hear that.

~o~o~o~

I woke up in the early evening feeling truly refreshed for the first time since I'd left to find Riordan. I got up, my hunger pangs driving me out of bed. Zevran was right. Danny and I were too thin after our adventure, but we were also exhausted. My body seemed to prioritize sleep first, then food. Now that rest had been taken care of – _Thank you, Zevran_ – food became the imperative. I straightened the clothes I'd fallen asleep in and headed for the kitchen.

I was in time for dinner and everyone was there except Zevran and Morrigan. I was curious if Zevran had managed to talk her out of leaving. I tried not to worry myself too much. Whatever happened, happened, and I seemed to have little recourse. I liked my new philosophy of resignation, acceptance of my grim destiny; I didn't have to worry and wonder any more.

After dinner I went to Alistair's room. I hadn't heard anything about his dinner with Anora and I was burning with curiosity.

"So tell me... how'd it go?" I was prepared for the nuclear blush, looking forward to it actually.

"How did what go?"

"Oh please! Do _not_ play coy with me, Alistair!" I nudged him in the ribs with my elbow. "How did your dinner with Anora go?"

"Oh that! It went fine." He picked up his sword and ran his thumb along the edge and picked up his whetstone.

I stared in disbelief. There was no blush, no stutter, not even the slightest hesitation. There was also no outpouring of details. This could not stand! "That is _so_ not an answer, Al."

He looked up from the sword, his expression casual and nonchalant. "Lucy, I'm not a kiss and tell kind of guy."

"So..." I smirked, "there was kissing involved." I perched on the arm of the chair he was sitting on. "Where? Do tell!"

He gave me a look that divulged nothing. "I've said all I'm going to say. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with our queen. I need to change clothes."

I didn't budge. "An _appointment_? Is that what we're calling a booty call these days?"

"A what?"

"A... never mind." I stared at him a moment, trying not to grin. "Come on, Al. Just give me something here. I'm dying to know."

He frowned at me. "I don't inquire into what goes on in your bedroom, do I?"

"I'll tell you," I offered. "A question for a question, an answer for an answer. Sound fair?" I remembered the deal the mad old hermit in the enchanted forest offered me.

"I don't want to know, Lucy. It's your own business."

He was being incredibly obstinate. "Please Al?" I countered with being incredibly annoying. "Pretty please?"

"Out, Lucy!" His face got all stern. It was rather cute.

"Not going to go, not until you give me something, Al, please! A crumb, a morsel, one little detail!"

His frown turned into a glare. For a moment I was reminded of another man with an imperious frown and a laser-beam glare. He shook his head. Next thing I knew I had been thrown over his shoulder and carried from his room. I pounded on his back with my fists, but I was laughing too hard to do any damage. He shouldered his way into my bedroom. Danny was sitting in a chair reading. He looked up, his eyebrows riding up his forehead.

"Riordan, please, for the love of the Maker, don't let this woman leave her room for the next fifteen minutes!" He unloaded me onto the bed like a sack of potatoes.

"Lucy?" Riordan looked at me sternly, "what did you do?"

Alistair fled the room. I sat up on the bed, sitting back on my heels.

I smiled innocently and twirled a strand of hair around my finger. "Nothing."

I had a full tummy and I was finally well-rested. Two basic urges of the big three were handled. Now there was a handsome man sitting in a chair looking at me like I was a recalcitrant child in dire need of a spanking.

"Nothing?" He looked skeptical. "Alistair slung you over his shoulder and dumped you in your room for nothing?"

"I might have been a bit bad," I confessed. I bit my lip and hung my head, peeping up at Danny with a mischievous glint in my eyes.

He picked up on my cues and put the book down, rising from the chair. "I see." He pulled his belt off, folded it over, and slapped it against his hand ominously and came for me.

It was totally unfair. Alistair already knew what went on in my bedroom and, from my squeals, the sound of a belt meeting bare skin, everyone else did now, too.

~o~o~o~

Zevran had slipped into bed sometime in the night. He woke me in the morning. I had kicked off my covers in the night and my bare, striped ass caught his attention.

"Sono bellissime," he hissed, his hand stroking the fading welts. "Sono molto belli, cara. Did Riordan do this?"

I mumbled into my pillow, barely awake, but Zevran's hand caressing me was a pleasant way to wake up. I moaned as his hand traced the valley between the two hillocks, pausing once to explore an oft neglected topological feature then continuing on into more familiar, heavily forested, terrain. I rolled onto my stomach, trapping his hand beneath me. I writhed, pressing myself against those talented fingers, like a cat in heat. I humped his hand, muffling my face in my pillow until I had to take a gasping breath. My thighs clenched and my struggles ceased as I found sweet release. I raised my head from the pillow wondering if I'd disturbed Riordan's sleep, only to find him propped up on his elbow, watching.

"Sweet Andraste, if I am dreaming, never wake me," he said.

"Me neither," I said. I reached for him just as Zevran did. We made sure Riordan's dream had a very happy ending.

~o~o~o~

Duty eventually tugged us out of bed. I enjoyed the afterglow, without any input from Prudence, or Abigail, whatever I had named that old biddy who used to nag at me in my head. I had a feeling my decision about Morrigan's offer had banished her for whatever was left of my life. I was thankful, very thankful, for that.

Morrigan greeted me at breakfast as if nothing had happened the previous day. "Morri!" I hugged her and kissed her cheek.

"Oh, for pity's sake, do you need to slobber so on me?" She pulled away from me, but I noticed she was smiling.

"I'm so glad you came back. Please tell me you'll stay."

She shrugged. "I suppose so. Your assassin pled your case and changed my mind."

I cocked my head. "He didn't threaten you did he?" I couldn't imagine what Zevran could have said to have changed her mind, unless it involved a threat of physical violence or blackmail.

Morrigan laughed. "Ha! As if he could hope to harm me. No, my friend, he simply convinced me it would be better to stay and help slay the archdemon than let Ferelden fall to the darkspawn."

I knew Zevran could talk me into almost anything, but I hadn't realized it would work with Morrigan. "Well, however he did it, I'm glad!" I went to hug her again but she danced out of my reach, clearly not wanting to be touched. She was odd that way.

"Your studies should continue, Lucy. I shall teach you a new spell. I think a force field would be useful."

I beamed at her. "A force field?" Images of Scotty and Captain Kirk flashed through my head. _I'm given you all she's got, Cap'n!_ I was thrilled. "And a ritual too?"

She squinted for a moment. "I have a simple one to make a plant bloom. We could start with that."

I made a face. "Make a plant bloom? That doesn't sound all that useful."

"Lucy, you do realize that rituals are generally used to do things like summon demons, invoke curses, and lay compulsions on people? It isn't generally considered _nice_ magic."

"Oh. Well, fine. Teach me what you wish then." I was just so delighted she was back I didn't care. Besides, the force shield sounded very useful.

~o~o~o~

"Warden, we have a report from the Redcliffe outpost!" Petra said, her face flushed red.

I ran with her to the Combat Information Center, or CIC, which is what I called the room where we kept the we ran I blasted out my Warden call. I wasn't quite sure where Alistair or Riordan were, but I hoped they weren't too far away to _hear _it. I heard boots running across the courtyard then up the stairs, so at least one of them was nearby.

I stood in front of the orb and saw the mage, Percy, I'd sent to Redcliffe. "Warden Cousland, we've just had reports of a _lot_ of darkspawn marching east of here. Heading your way, from all reports."

Alistair ran through the door, his eyes looking a bit wild. "What is it? Is everything okay?"

I held up a finger to the orb. "One moment, Percy." I turned to Alistair. "Just getting a report on darkspawn movement. They've been spotted moving east not far from Redcliffe."

"How close to Lothering?" Alistair asked.

"Very. All the scout saw was the back end of the horde, it may be they're already sweeping through it," Percy said.

I nodded at Percy. "Is there anything else to report?"

He shook his head. "No."

We signed off and Alistair looked concerned. "Lothering will be hit again. At least no one is there this time around. I suppose this means we have, at the very least, a couple of weeks before they get to Denerim."

I went to the map Loghain had given me that I had tacked to a wall in the CIC. It looked like the next big settlement area they would reach would be South Reach. I jabbed it with a finger. "We need to get messages out and get these people evacuated to the North. Loghain can use his royal couriers to get the word out."

"After that, maybe Dragon's Peak will be hit," Alistair said.

I nodded. "I'd better go let Loghain know. At least the Dalish should be here soon and the dwarves within ten days to two weeks. I hope they hurry."

"Wardens?" Petra said. She pointed to another orb and I could see Brandon's face, one of the mages posted in Gherlen's Pass.

"Brandon, what's happening up north?" I asked.

Brandon's face was replaced with another face, the scout we'd sent up there. "Warden Cousland, we've received word from Jader about your request for help from Orlais."

"Yes?" I wasn't sure they could even get to Denerim in time to be of assistance at this point.

The scout shook his head. "They refused to help without the support troops. While I was there the Warden Commander had a huge row with some officious bastard representing the empress. He refused to let them cross the border without the chevaliers. The Warden Commander sends his regrets."

I clamped down my lips on an angry retort. "Thank you, ser. Your service is most appreciated. Please stay in place and relay any communications you have from the dwarves or Orlais. It appears the darkspawn horde is heading to Denerim now and should be here within a few weeks. The archdemon has arisen. We will keep you informed."

The scout looked worried. "My lady, my family lives in Denerim, I should come back."

I shook my head. "You could never get back in time. We will be evacuating Denerim before they get here. But give me their names and I'll make certain they get out in plenty of time."

I took down their names and reassured the scout. I hoped I wasn't making a liar out of myself. I signed off.

Alistair looked grim. I squeezed his arm, but had nothing reassuring to say. I wasn't going to resort to hollow words of reassurance. "Whatever happens now, at least we need to register our presence in this world, you know? I want to know that no matter how tiny my boat is, I left a wake."

He looked down at the floor. I saw a fleeting look of pain cross his face. "You're right." He smiled as if he had made up his mind about something. "You are damn right."

"I'd better go see Loghain and let him know."

"I'll go with you and tell Anora," he said.

"Mmmmhmmm." I eyed him, not bothering to suppress my grin. "First name basis now, eh?"

He shot me a quick glance and the tiniest hint of a smile.

We walked to the palace together. He was escorted to see the queen, without any fuss at all. Obviously he'd been making a number of trips since their dinner and the guards were used to him. I was taken to see Loghain.

The guard knocked at the door and Loghain's voice rumbled, "Enter." I walked in. It was midday and he was seated at a table with an enormous meal spread in front of him. "Sit." He stopped eating long enough to gesture to a chair across from him.

I sat down and watched him devour the food. He looked up a moment. "'Scuse me. Hungry." Then he dove back in. "Help yourself," he uttered around a mouthful of food.

I picked up a plate and filled it. "Thanks." I took a few bites and watched as he continued eating, somewhat amazed by his appetite. "I have news from Redcliffe and Gherlen's Pass."

He looked up at me and nodded, his mouth too full to speak. "Mmmm?" I couldn't help but notice there was something of a glow of vitality to him. His eyes... I don't want to say they sparkled, but there was something in them I hadn't seen before. He looked... good; better than I'd ever seen him. I thought he was wearing his hair differently, but no, it wasn't that.

"Redcliffe has spotted the tail end of the horde around Lothering, headed our way."

"Mmmm?" He waved at hand at me to continue.

It looked like my news barely registered. "And we got word from Jader, the Empress refuses to allow the Wardens to come without the support troops. You were right."

"Mmmmhmmmm." He looked up from the plate, one eyebrow arched. I think he was trying to say _I told you so_.

I decided that conversation was out of the question until he finished his meal. So I ate and watched him. I had a memory tickling at the back of my head, but it refused to come forth. He ate steadily for fifteen minutes. I don't think his mouth was empty once. Maybe once or twice when he washed whatever he was eating down with a mighty quaff of ale. Finally he turned to the pie and ate most of it, leaving me a single piece. I ate it gratefully. I love pie.

Finally he set down his fork and wiped a collection of crumbs and gravy off his mouth and chin. "Well, that certainly hit the spot."

"That's an understatement. I haven't seen anyone eat like that since..." I jumped up, overturning my chair in the process. My mouth dropped open. I turned on my Warden sense and felt a faint tingle elsewhere in the palace, Alistair, and a much stronger tingle in front of me. "Fuck it, Loghain! What the hell did you do?" I shouted then clapped my hands over my mouth in horror.

He leaned back in his chair and crossed his hands over his belly looking exceedingly amused at my reaction. "Drank some foul liquid I had your assassin bring me." He burped into his napkin. "Damn, woman, I would have swallowed that months ago if I'd known it would make me feel this good."

"Goddammit! It could have killed you. What possessed you to think this was a good idea?" I kicked at the overturned chair in front of me and it scooted halfway across the room.

He shrugged. "I've been planning it for awhile now. Didn't you say that Warden mage had improved the formula? I feel... younger. My knees don't hurt."

I could only stand there and stare in disbelief. He'd taken me completely by surprise. He wiped his mouth again, stood up and walked over to me.

"Why, Loghain?"

He clasped my upper arms in his big hands. "Any advantage we can get over the darkspawn is worth it. Having me lead the armies with Grey Warden abilities could be very helpful." His eyes looked into mine, his pupils seemed dilated. "Another Warden to deal the deathblow. Another chance for success. I told you I wouldn't let anything happen to you. I can't guarantee it, but I'll do my best to make certain it isn't a _meaningless platitude_, as you called it yesterday."

"It's just..." I wanted to say it was stupid, foolish, idiotic, he was shortening his life, cutting off the possibility of children in the future, would one day have to seek his death in the Deep Roads, but Avernus' potion was a wild card. He said it was gentler than the original formula and had certain benefits, including a much slower progression of the taint. I took a deep breath.

"It's just what?" Loghain smirked at me. "Lucy, I feel great. Nothing bad has happened, other than some crazy dreams last night. I don't see what you're so upset about."

"Maybe I don't want to see you die killing the archdemon, either."

"Is that why you haven't made any more Grey Wardens?" he asked. "You didn't want to doom anyone else to that possible fate?"

I nodded. "It didn't seem fair, given that we know what is coming, to recruit someone and then tell them, 'Oh, before I forget to tell you, you'll probably be dying shortly'."

He laughed. "Well, problem solved. I knew the consequences and I chose to do it. Now you don't have to feel guilty about it."

Ha! Fat chance. He didn't know about the hair-trigger sensitivity of my guilt complex. I could find a dozen ways to feel guilty about this. Did he do it because he has feelings for me? I've been screwing two other men and here he is trying to save my life. Or is he doing this because he feels sorry for me? All my moping about dying, or having a friend die, he felt compelled to make this noble gesture. See! Without even trying I could come up with two extremely good reasons for feeling terrible about what he had done.

"Right." I frowned. "Loghain, dammit, if you did this because of me… well, I don't exactly deserve that sort of sacrifice."

He snorted and looked amused. "Maybe not. Perhaps none of us deserve what we end up getting in life. Maybe the Maker will sort it all out in the end, like the Chantry tells us." He looked uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. "So, tell me what you said while I was eating. It didn't fully register."

I laughed and walked over to the chair I had kicked. I righted it and sat down. Loghain sat back down at the table and picked at the remains of his meal. "The horde has been spotted just outside of Lothering and headed our way. So the question of whether it would head to Redcliffe first has been settled, I think."

Loghain nodded. "And you mentioned the Jader Wardens refused to come." He smirked. "I seem to recall someone predicting that." He scratched his head as if trying to recollect. "Hm, who was that astute person who said they'd never come? Do remind me!"

I frowned at him, but my eyes were laughing. Loghain really was in an excellent humor. I could scarcely believe how different he seemed today. "I think it was a sour old man. Name is something like... Loren? Ptomaine? Quiche Lorraine? I can't quite remember." I shrugged. Teasing him was rather fun. "They say even a broken clock is right twice a day."

"Sour old man?" He stood up and pushed his chair away from the table. "Broken clock?" He strode over to me. His face wore his epic glower, but his eyes were sparkling. "Perhaps this sour, broken man could show a shrewish old Warden a thing or two. You and I are contemporaries, if my poor, broken memory serves me right."

I couldn't help but bust a smile. "Shrew, am I?"

"You are more wasp than woman." He strode over to his armor stand and began putting on his plate mail.

"If I'm a wasp, you'd better beware my sting!" I helped him fasten his armor on.

"I will simply have to pluck it out." He looked rather pleased with his retort.

"That's assuming you could find it." I poked him in the ribs with a finger, wondering if he were ticklish.

He didn't react except by narrowing his eyes somewhat. "I know well where your sting is, my dear. It's in your tail."

"It's in the tongue!" I wasn't sure where this conversation was going, but we were both having fun.

"Whose tongue?" he asked, sliding on his gauntlets.

"Yours, if you continue to harangue me." I tightened one of his straps, pulling harder than necessary. He slapped my hands away and re-adjusted the strap.

"Your tail, my tongue. That sounds familiar, somehow." He turned to look at me. "And sorely missed, I might add."

I smiled, remembering such times fondly, the complexity of our relationship forgotten for the moment. "And why are you dressing as if you were marching off to battle?"

"We've matched wits and I clearly won."

"Ha!" I scoffed. "I thought I was fighting an unarmed man. I went easy on you."

His eyebrows lifted, he was clearly piqued now. "Then let's spar and see who is the better."

I nodded. "I trust you'll arm yourself this time?"

He picked up a very long, glittering, vicious looking blade from his weapon rack. My eyes grew big. Surely he didn't mean to use sharp weapons to have a friendly spar? He looked at me with an evil-tinged glance. Then he put it back and drew out a practice blade, still rather dauntingly enormous.

"Choose a weapon, my dear." He gestured to the weapon rack.

I shook my head. "I'll use my staff. I've been training with it."

He laughed. "You must be needing a new set of toothpicks."

I eyed the long sword he had picked up. "I'd accuse you of over-compensating except I know better."

He looked smug. "Indeed." He gestured for me to precede him and we walked out to the place the guards trained.

"Are there templars around?" I hadn't seen any. Even though Zevran had insisted I leave the magic out of my weapons training, I still wanted to use it.

"Are you planning on cheating and using magic?"

"Cheating?" I squeaked indignantly. "I'm simply using the talents I've been given."

"In other words, cheating. Yes, there are likely to be templars around. They come here to train frequently." He shook his head at me. "Ready?" He drew his weapon.

I sighed and drew my staff from my back. "Ready."

We circled around one another. Some of the soldiers stopped their drilling and watched. I heard the clinking of coins changing hands.

Loghain feinted and I jumped lightly away. I might have had reach on him with my staff, but not by much. His sword was very long. I was only lightly armored and I was certain I could move much faster than him in his shiny plate armor with such a big, weighty sword. His point about making toothpicks out of my staff was well-taken; I didn't want to ruin it.

He surprised me with a sudden move. He moved much more quickly than I anticipated, closing the distance between us enough to make a swing connect, but I blocked him with my staff. His blocked swing reverberated through my arms and it left a splintery dent in my staff.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you to pull your swings when sparring?" I asked. I could imagine being seriously wounded if such a blow had landed.

He shook his head. "Do I play too rough for you, Lady Cousland? You can always concede the match if you're frightened."

He called me by my assumed name because of the spectators. "Not at all, my lord. Please continue." This time it was my turn to feel piqued. I barely got out of the way of another blow. At this point it seemed like he was practically chasing me. I was simply ducking, blocking and getting out of the way of the blows. I did a fancy back flip that got me out of the way quickly, and managed to kick his hand in the process. There was light approval from the watching soldiers, but it didn't make up for the fact that I was strictly on the defensive. It was embarrassing but I didn't want my staff ruined by his tremendously powerful swings.

"What's the matter, Cousland? You're not afraid of a sour old man, are you?" He taunted me as he swung his longsword again.

I thought he'd be tiring out by now, but he still seemed fresh. That damn joining juice had turned him into a machine. I blocked his swing again, trying not to wince at the splintering sound I heard or the vibrations making the nerves in my arms go numb. I went low to the ground and swept his legs with my staff. At least, I tried to, it was like trying to trip a rhinoceros... or rather a bronto. He was immovable. I swore with my frustration.

I moved just a little too slowly and I saw his sword coming down at me. I scrambled backwards, just in time to miss it, but now I was trapped with my back against the wall and he was swinging again. I caught his sword with my staff, and felt splinters flying off the staff as they struck me in the face. "Shit!"

He had a huge grin on his face as he used his sword against my staff to pin me to the wall. I heard cheering amongst the soldiers. "Say it." He ordered me.

"Say what?" I gasped. My arms were failing me, and he was pressing my staff against my throat.

"Say that you concede. To me. The sour old man." He was clearly gloating. There was something else in his eyes, something verging on predatory and sexual.

"I concede to you, Teyrn Loghain."

"Louder." He pushed a little harder against my staff to remind me I had lost.

"I concede, Teyrn Loghain!" I said loud enough everyone could hear. I confess I was scowling. I was a sore loser. If I could have used magic...

The cheering from the soldiers increased and he backed up, dropping his sword arm. "It seems I plucked your stinger after all, Lucy," he said quietly into my ear. He looped an arm over my shoulders in a friendly gesture and we headed back into the palace together.

"Don't count on it, my lord. I want a rematch, far from the templars."

He smiled, still gloating. "So you can cheat?" He dropped his arm and turned to me. "Why don't you go collect your company and we'll meet back here in three hours and discuss strategy."

"That reminds me, you're my Warden brother now too. There are some abilities we'll need to teach you." I reached out with my Warden call to him.

His eyes flew open wide. "Maker..." his voice was low and breathy. "What is that?" He took a step toward me. His hands grasped my upper arms and he looked about to kiss me.

I shut it off, warring with the temptation to leave it on. I knew what it could do. The way it itched under your skin, like no amount of scratching could satisfy. "We can sense one another or call to each other, like that. Within a limited range. That's how we found Riordan."

He didn't let go of me for a moment. He just continued to hold me there, looking like he was struggling with his resolve. I was too. Everything was simpler when I felt certain I was going to die. Loghain's decision to drink the potion didn't just change him; it brought back all the guilt I thought I could escape through death. It was silly. I was still quite likely to die. We stood locked eye to eye for a moment, trapped within ourselves, alone with the struggles of the moment. He finally took his hands off me, but I could feel where they had been for a moment longer.

He turned away from me. "Go. Return in three hours." He said it gruffly, like the old Loghain, the general used to giving orders.

"Right." I turned and left the palace, walking in a bemused fog back to the Warden compound. I wondered how Riordan and Alistair would take the news of Loghain becoming a Grey Warden. I also wondered how they would react when they found out Zevran had been an accomplice to the deed. I had to admit that the outcome was not altogether terrible, even if the means had been less than desirable. Perhaps Loghain had learned from me that it was easier to get forgiveness than permission, except he hadn't bothered apologizing.

Still, the ramifications were that Loghain intended to be a buffer between the archdemon and me. That wrenched at me. I didn't want any of us to die. To throw someone else into the sacrificial hopper didn't exactly make me feel better.

Whatever else might happen, I vowed I would at least be honest with him in the future. There was no further need to win his cooperation by seduction. We were all joined together now by something more than just circumstances. We shared a bond different than siblings, but it was still blood that joined us.

~o~o~o~

**Notes: **_I was quite amazed by how many reviewers seem to want Lucy and Loghain to get together so I put a poll on my profile and I'd be much obliged if you'd take a moment to vote. You get to pick up to three possible pairings. I can't guarantee I'll go with the voting, but at this point I'm certainly open to considering almost anything (with a few exceptions). So vote, vote, vote. Like a baby stoat. _

_My thanks as always to the esteemed Biff McLaughlin for her gracious beta-reading and comments. _

_My thanks to all of you who review and the nice folks who actually posted a link to this work on other places recommending it. I'm really flattered!_

_I'm also working on another piece piece about Alistair and Anora's first date. I'll probably put it in 'The Lost Chapters'. It will be written from Alistair's POV, which should be rather amusing._


	57. Bad Girls Die

**Bad Girls Die**

Looking back on that period of my life, and the Blight, I wondered how I could have missed so many signs of what was to come. I chalk it up to hindsight. I failed to realize that Zevran stole the Joining juice out of my sock drawer when he had drugged me. Furthermore, I didn't understand the broader significance of the timing until much later. Little details escaped my notice. Coincidences went undetected. I also wasn't paying close attention to my own body, signs that perhaps Avernus' potion had effects beyond the ones we were told about.

That week was awful, just awful. Riordan was surprisingly welcoming of the news of Loghain's joining, however he didn't care for the fact that Zevran was the one to make the decision and administer it. I had to admit, that rather bothered me too, but I had decided the decision had a decent outcome so I couldn't really fault him for that. The act had been motivated by his affection for us. Besides, I was the one always talking about doing things without asking permission. Perhaps, in the future, I should just keep that sentiment to myself.

Danny though, he took Zevran to task for it. They had a hell of an argument. I tried to soothe them, but that just earned me getting kicked out of the room and the door locked behind me while they yelled at one another. I'd never seen Danny angry, or Zevran for that matter. I stood in the hall, clenching my fists, tears rolling down my face. Finally Zevran threw open the door and left the compound.

I flashed a look at Danny that promised there would be an accounting and I went after Zevran. Zevran didn't want to be found. Not even flying all over the city in crow form could I find him. I finally gave up.

Alistair had his own issues with Loghain becoming a Grey Warden. He still disliked Loghain on some level, although I think he understood him a little better now. It probably didn't hurt that he and Anora were seeing each other. Anora loved her father and Alistair was trying hard to overcome his hatred. Even Wynne had some biting things to say about Loghain. I reminded her he was putting his life on the line and her comments were entirely unfair. Morrigan stayed out of the fray, as did Sten. Leliana confided in me that she admired him for it.

Danny and I had words, too. It left us barely speaking to one another. I was angry that he had driven Zevran away, so I drove Danny away, at least as far as his own bedroom. The rift between us was a tenacious one. We were both too stubborn to ease the tension. I missed Zevran dreadfully. I felt like my support framework had been yanked out from under me. I couldn't face the long, lonely nights, much less the archdemon without them.

Troops from all over Ferelden started to arrive in Denerim including the Dalish. Loghain was busy organizing them, seeing they got food, supplies and training. Anora was rolling out an evacuation plan. Every day there were ships sailing to Gwaren, Amaranthine, and beyond, with evacuees. Those who couldn't afford the fare went by road. They loaded all their stuff into wagons pulled by oxen or people. Those who didn't have wagons carried their belongings on their back. Inevitably stuff got dumped along the roads as wagons broke down or the weight of their worldly belongings outweighed whatever sentimental value they held. There was a trail of junk on the North road out of Denerim.

On the third day after everything fell apart, I went to see Loghain. I knew he was busy and probably had no time to spare an emotionally distraught woman. I remembered weeks ago he said that his guards had orders to admit me, I hoped that the orders still stood when I went to him after supper. I walked to the palace and a guard escorted me to his chambers. He was in a meeting, they said, but I could wait in his sitting room.

So I did. A servant built up the fire in the room and I curled up in a chair near it. At first I just thought. My mind went over the last few miserable days. I wondered again for the millionth time where Zevran had gone and as I contemplated that I might never see him again, I felt myself edging into Sob City yet again.

"Fuck this!" I got mad at myself and my overly emotional state. I hated being a weepy woman. "Goddammit Lucy, if you cry again I'm going to punch you in the mouth." Yeah, I was talking to myself. The anger felt good. It was a big improvement over the depression. I was mad at myself for being such an emotional wreck. My anger blossomed and grew and started to encompass not only the tense situation at the Warden compound, but the whole Blight and my involvement in it. I could feel my magic responding to my anger; it was rising up in me, begging to be released in a big fiery explosion with a very satisfying boom.

I sighed because I knew I had better control than that, but I didn't want to have control. I wanted a boom that would make the Mythbuster guys giggle their appreciation. I knew what I had to do and I did it. I closed the door on the Fade. I remembered what it was like to make myself tranquil and as I was shutting it, I was tempted, so tempted, to shut it all the way.

By the time Loghain came in, I was asleep on his sofa.

"Lucy?"

I woke up. His hand was on my shoulder shaking me gently. "Are you all right?"

I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I sighed. I didn't want him to feel guilty about what his little deception with Zevran had done to us. I wanted to be stronger than that. "No, everything is fine. I wanted to check in with you about preparations."

"Drink?" He went over to the decanter and poured himself one.

"Sure."

He brought the glasses back and sat next to me. Close enough that our thighs touched. The contact was exactly what I needed. Just simple human – humanoid, I corrected myself thinking of Zevran – contact. I gulped the drink and hissed with the pain of it scourging my throat. "God, why do I do that?"

Loghain laughed quietly, his voice a pleasing rumble. "Why are you here, Lucy?"

I sighed. "To escape the Warden compound for awhile. Things are... tense."

Loghain nodded. "I can imagine why. My becoming one of you, I suppose?"

I nodded. "Yes, although no one is really against the idea, but the manner in which it was done caused some problems. Zevran has left us." I couldn't keep it contained. My depression over it must have emanated from me in gloomy waves. "There was some disagreement over him taking matters into his own hands without consulting us."

"I see."

"I can see the point, but I know his intentions were good and the outcome was good. So why not forgive and forget?" I poured a couple more fingers of the brandy and started to pour it down my gullet but Loghain's hand prevented me at the last moment.

"Sip it, my dear. It's too good to treat it like rotgut."

"Oh fine." I took a more ladylike sip. "So, there was a huge argument, people aren't speaking to one another at the moment, and Zevran left us." Saying it, even though I tossed it off rather casually, brought the pain back in full measure. I blinked slowly, fighting back the emotion.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Did you come here for escape or sympathy?"

I leaned back against him. "Escape, distraction, conversation, unless you're too busy. I don't want to..."

"Shush." His arm tightened around my shoulders and pulled me closer. "Distraction it is then." His arm slid down mine and slipped around my waist. "I can think of some distractions..." His rumbling voice suggested exactly what his distraction would involve. If Barry White had been serenading us in the background it couldn't have been more obvious.

I gulped. I couldn't do this. I couldn't continue to lie to him. "Loghain..." I tried to pull away but his arm held me fast. "You should know something."

"Um?" he murmured as he pulled the hair away from my face and kissed my ear.

"I haven't been exactly chaste." At that moment I achieved the pinnacle of understatement. Or was it the nadir of understatement?

His laugh was a puff of warm air across my ear. "It's the taint, isn't it?" He delivered a nibble to the skin of my neck, just below my ear. "It seems to have heated my blood too." He kissed me; his lips insistent on my own.

I pulled away. I didn't think my words had registered. "Loghain... I've been seeing someone else." Singular. It was a start. A step in the right direction. Did he truly need to know the depths of my depravity?

"And yet you're here, with me and you haven't told me to stop." He pulled back to watch my face for a moment. When I didn't react his hand went to the laces on my tunic and his eyebrow arched with an unspoken query.

"I just wanted you to know." I didn't stop his hand. He pulled on the lace and it untied in slow motion. I watched it as if mesmerized.

"The end of the world makes such things trifles." He pulled on the laces of my tunic and they pulled free, leaving it gaping open. "When the future is measured in days," he pushed aside my tunic, exposing a breast, "with the taint burning in your blood," his hand cupped my breast and his thumb slid over the peak, pebbling it, "propriety is for people with the future to think about."

"Spoken like a true Grey Warden," I said quietly. It was much the same argument Riordan had used with me. That was fitting somehow. I pulled off my tunic, leaving my chest bare.

He smiled. I thought I detected a hint of smugness.

"What?" I asked.

"I still have it," he said, gloating.

"Have what?" I cocked my head wondering what he was going on about.

"I can still talk a woman out of her corset."

I rolled my eyes. "If you keep on, you might talk her back into it." I put my hands on either side of his face and kissed him, turning the full force of my Warden call on him. It ended the needless conversation and gloating.

I spent the night with him. There wasn't much actual sleeping done. He wasn't kidding when he said his blood was heated. It was like being with a teenager, only much, much better. In so many ways it was different yet so familiar; his touch, his smell, the way he kissed, all of it. His energy and enthusiasm was different, enhanced. The best part was it finally felt honest. There wasn't a hidden agenda between us any longer. I wished it could have always been like that.

~o~o~o~

"Wake up, woman." I heard him say. Then he pulled open the drapes and the sunlight was blinding. He wasn't satisfied with my groaned response and otherwise lack of movement. Next he flung off the blankets and my body was exposed to the cold morning air.

"Fuuuuuck..." I sat up and scrambled after the blankets. "Morning people should be shot, or burned at the stake. Whatever barbaric thing you do to execute people." I grumbled on but clambered out of bed and dressed.

"You need to fix the rift between your Wardens, Lucy," Loghain said. He stood in front of his mirror, shirtless, shaving off his stubble. His eyes flicked to mine while I watched him.

I almost reminded him that he was the reason behind the rift, but my better judgment won that one. He was right, or course. One of us had to make the first move. "Yes, you're right." I sighed, wishing I knew where Zevran was.

"So who is he?" Loghain asked, stroking his razor up his throat.

I watched him shave. It was a bit of a turn on, especially with him standing there only half dressed. I considered dodging the question or just flat out refusing to answer, but last night's honesty had felt good. "Riordan."

I saw his smirk in the mirror. "Ah yes, _Danny_. I suspected as much."

"And Zevran."

He paused in his shaving and his brow furrowed. "The assassin too?"

I nodded.

He looked puzzled. "Do they know you're fucking them both?"

I did my best to suppress my grin, but it sneaked out a bit anyway. "I'd say so, yes. Especially given they're both in bed with me at the same time."

His look in the mirror turned to one of disbelief. "How... Just how do you rationalize such behavior?"

That irked me. I snorted with annoyance. "I think you summed it up perfectly last night. What was it you said?" I paced, pretending to try to recollect. "Oh yes! '_The future measured in days. The taint burning in your blood_', wasn't it? '_Propriety is for people with futures_,' you said."

He zipped his razor across his cheek, reacting to my comment, wincing and then cursing when he cut himself. "Maker! There are limits to everything, Lucy. What were you planning on doing, inviting me to join your assembly?"

"Hardly. The bed isn't big enough. Besides, at the moment, at least, this is all in the past. Zevran has disappeared and Riordan and I aren't exactly on friendly terms."

Loghain shot me a disapproving look and picked up a linen cloth to wipe his face. "That's what happens when you get involved with your colleagues."

My mouth dropped at his bald hypocrisy and I glared at him. "You're one to talk! You've got a set of rules for yourself that seems to be completely different than the ones you'd have me follow."

He threw down the towel and turned away from the mirror. "Was last night just an amusing way to pass the time since your current bed partners are missing?"

"I didn't come here with any intentions, Loghain. You didn't seem to care last night what my status was." I grabbed his big hand in both of mine. "I care for you, very much. Last night was wonderful. I felt for the first time we were being honest with one another and I wished it had always been that way." I lifted his big hand to my mouth and kissed it.

He sighed and pulled me into his chest. "Where do we go from here, Lucy?"

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "You're still thinking of the future. It's a hard habit to break, I know." I looked up into his face. "I think whatever is left to us of the future will unfold however it wants. We're just bits of wood floating on a current."

"Never. I'm not drifting on any damn current." I saw his face harden into some sort of resolve. He gave me a tight squeeze. "I suppose we both have duties to attend to now."

I nodded. I kissed him, enjoying again for the moment that contact that was now so much more honest than it had ever been before.

~o~o~o~

It took me awhile to work up the nerve to talk to Riordan. I went into the little library in the Warden compound and browsed through the books, looking for something light and escapist. Leliana walked in behind me.

"What are you looking for, Lucy?" she asked.

"A good story. Something to take me away from reality for awhile. Can you recommend anything?"

"Oh, let me see." Leliana looked at the book spines. "Oh here! This is a good story." She pulled off the book and handed it to me. "It is about a beautiful young common woman who is led astray from a virtuous life by a handsome noble."

"What happens to her?" I asked, not really wanting to read something tragic.

"If I tell you it will ruin the book for you!"

"It's okay. Just tell me. Does the heroine die? I don't want to read a tragedy right now."

"Well, yes, of course. She was led astray. She wasn't a good girl, although she did redeem herself with good acts later, but she had to die." Leliana said matter-of-factly, as if this was something everyone knew.

I shivered. "What do you mean she had to die? Says who?" I wondered if there was some sort of Chantry conspiracy to punish fictional characters for lewd behavior.

Leliana shrugged. "The stories always go that way. Girls who succumb to temptation are always punished."

I frowned. Thinking back on it, they tended to be in my world too, even if it wasn't their fault, like poor Tess from Tess of the d'Urbervilles, Madame Bovary, and so on. I made a face expressing my disgust.

"What is it?" Leliana asked.

"Don't you realize how awful that is? Why is it when girls express their sexuality they have to be killed? No one thinks of writing such things about men."

"Oh, they're not always killed! Sometimes they just lose their titles, families, lovers, or perhaps they're enslaved or maimed."

I handed the book back to her. "Don't you see the inequity? Isn't this just teaching girls that their normal sexual urges are deadly?" My sense of social justice was horribly wronged.

"These stories help keep girls from giving in to inappropriate relations with men." She stared at me, looking bewildered by my vehemence. "We both know that when such things happen, women are the ones who bear the burden of pregnancy and social stigma."

"Unnecessarily!" I countered. I was fuming now. Not angry with Leliana, just with the way things were. "There shouldn't be stigma attached to loving, inappropriately or not." I turned abruptly and walked out, leaving Leliana behind me looking confused and a little hurt. I went to my room and threw myself on my bed.

_Bad girls die._ I'd grown up with that message. Now looking back on the past year, if my life were a typical story, I'd be in for a doozy of a fall. I wasn't superstitious. I knew better. They're just stories. Still... it was programmed into my consciousness from fairy tales and the morality stories that I grew up on.

I was stewing over what to say to Riordan and how to mend the rift when there was a knock at the door.

"Enter," I said.

Leliana came in holding a pamphlet. "Here's a book you might approve of."

I took it from her. "The Empress Celene. The early years." I read the title and looked at her.

"Definitely not a nice girl," Leliana smiled mischievously, "and utterly unpunished, at least so far."

I laughed, got off the bed, and hugged her. "Thanks. Although, I think you'd be doing the women in this world a favor if you made up a song about a lusty woman who didn't have the usual poor outcome."

She laughed. "Perhaps I won't have to make one up." She winked and left my room.

Ah, Leliana was a good egg, if you overlooked the Chantry nonsense she spewed from time to time. Perhaps we could get started on gender equality on this world a little earlier than we had on mine. They already had inexpensive and readily available contraception with that tea. Fortunately, being a Grey Warden, I didn't really have to concern myself with it. They were actually doing well in Ferelden, compared to earth. Ferelden women, at least, were soldiers, guards, and often inherited over their brothers, but we could do even better.

If I had a few smart women, like Leliana, combined my contacts in government, we could go a long way toward educating women. I sat back down on the bed and daydreamed about my utopian Ferelden. Then I woke myself up from my reverie. There I go again, planning for the future. What I told Loghain was absolutely true. It is hard to stop living in the future. It plunged me back into my funk. Ah, this was procrastination. I went over to the mirror and unbraided my hair, brushed it and rebraided it. Still procrastinating. I took a deep breath and forced myself out of my door and down the hall to Riordan's room.

"Come in, Lucy." He anticipated my knock. He must have been following me around using his Warden sense.

I opened the door and came in, shutting it behind me. He was sitting at a desk in his room staring at a map of Ferelden. "Hi." That was my brilliant opening remark.

He stood up and turned to me. "Hi." Obviously he was feeling as eloquent as I was.

"We should probably... you know..." My tongue stumbled on my words.

"Talk?" he inserted helpfully.

"Yeah, talk." I crossed my arms across my chest, then realized what my body language was signaling and uncrossed them and dropped them down at my sides. "We should clear the air. This..." I waved my hand around, "it isn't good, dammit."

"No, it isn't." He looked desolate. There was a certain pitch to his eyebrows that yanked on my heart.

I sat on the edge of his bed and he sat next to me. He took my hand and we looked at each other. I saw unhappiness in his eyes. Those sexy little lines beside his eyes were a bit deeper. This was still the man who had told us he would deliver the death blow to Urthemiel. He was still my hero. How could I be angry? "I'm sorry, Danny. I shouldn't have gotten so angry with you."

He caressed my cheek with his free hand. "No. You have nothing to apologize for, dear heart. I said things I shouldn't have said, to you and to him."

I leaned my head against his shoulder. "I never heard you sound angry before."

"Maker help me, you never do again."

"I wouldn't mind because it would mean we're both alive." I sighed. "It's just..." I trailed off and sighed again.

"Just what, love?" He tucked a stray lock behind my ear.

"I miss Zevran."

He looked at me, his eyes looking so sad. "I do too, love. I do too."

~o~o~o~

**Note: **_For some reason I decided that people put archdemon blood, and joining juice, in their sock drawers. It's a place where you can stash something and kind of forget about it. I thought that if one recruits Loghain in game he has to go rummage through his sock drawer to find it._

_The theme about bad girls dying was inspired by something Arsinoe de Blassenville wrote in her work: Victory at Ostagar. It's awesome, you should read it if you haven't. _

_About the poll, it's just for my curiosity's sake. I don't promise to abide by the results. Anyway, it's split between Zevran/Riordan and Loghain. I was amused some people voted for Urthemiel. :)_

_Thanks again, always, for the reviews! This little rat runs the maze for reviews! My ultra-mega-extreme thanks to Beta Biff! Look up her stories, they're great! _

_Now I should investigate. It was very quiet upstairs then there was a big crash. What are those kittens doing now?_


	58. Free Range Mage

**Free Range Mage**

The city was emptying of civilians quickly, but filling with soldiers just as fast. Everything that shopkeepers had was appropriated for the armies. It made me realize that the people fleeing would face starvation, especially as much of the harvest was also being taken for the armies. The only hope for the refugees was that this would end soon, and that there would be a city remaining to return to.

The new and improved ballistae were arrayed throughout the city on top of the tallest buildings. Danny thought Fort Drakon would be the best place for them. Where the archdemon would come down and make his stand, after we shot him out of the sky, none of us knew.

One thing I was particularly happy to see was the Chantry leaving town, evacuating with everyone else. All of them went, even the templars. Now I could be a little freer with my magic. But then the Circle mages arrived and I had to put a lid on it again. Even worse, I had to make sure I didn't let them touch me. Some of them, like Wynne, seemed to figure out easily I'm not of this world. Gah! How I wished I didn't have to maintain this ruse of being Elissa Cousland.

"Whether I'm right," I sang, soaping myself up, "or whether I'm wrong. Whether I find a place in this world or never belong..." I blasted it at the top of my lungs. "I gotta be me! I've gotta be me."

"Lucy?" Riordan popped his head into the bathroom. "You okay? Why are you shouting?"

I threw my sponge at him. "I'm singing, doofus!"

Riordan handed me the sponge. "Well, go on. Don't let me interrupt your performance."

"You already have. Besides, I don't remember the rest of the lyrics." I handed him back the sponge. "Do my back?"

Riordan cocked a brow. "Do your back? Hmmm... what do I get to do to your back?"

I smiled at him. "I'm in the tub, I just handed you the sponge... what do you think I want you to do? Your mind is always in the gutter, Danny."

He laughed. "What is it you say about pots and kettles?"

"That's like the pot calling the kettle black."

"Yes, exactly." He scrubbed at my back and I had an idea.

"Danny?"

"Yes, love?"

"What's the worst that could happen if I just admitted I wasn't Elissa Cousland and told everyone the truth? I'm tired of pretending to be someone else."

"It could be bad. Someone might accuse you of being some sort of demon. Or they might just think Elissa has gone insane. Even if the Chantry did believe you, you're a mage and they'd want to see you go to the tower, or punish you for being an apostate.

"A free-range mage." I corrected him, thinking of chickens and cows allowed to live outside of little confining pens and cages.

"I suppose. On the other hand, you are a Grey Warden, the Chantry might have difficulty getting to you, although they've done it in the past. They tend to act first, ask questions later."

I mused on it a moment. "That doesn't sound too bad. What do I care if they think I'm insane? Everyone that I care about knows I'm not. Or at least, they're too polite to say otherwise." I cackled a bit insanely to make my point.

"I think we have other, bigger things to think about now. Like how to end this Blight."

"Yeah, I keep forgetting." I said, ironically.

I finished my bath, still pondering if I should come clean... so to speak.

~o~o~o~

Later that day Alistair came back to the Warden compound after a trip to the palace to see Anora. It was starting to become fairly well-known that the queen was fond of a Grey Warden. Loghain had started to grumble about it to me. He swore he would kill Alistair if he touched his daughter. I laughed at that. _"_Really? Isn't your daughter old enough to make up her own mind?_" _I asked him. We argued back and forth and I reminded him that he was seeing a _girl_ less than half his age. "Don't worry, Loghain,"I had told him, "There won't be a scandal. They're both discreet, and responsible. Besides we Grey Wardens are pretty much infertile. Let them enjoy themselves. Maker knows there's little enough opportunity for joy these days."He grumped and growled over the affair, and perhaps he was still haranguing Anora over it, but eventually he dropped it as a topic with me.

That day Alistair walked in with glazed eyes, looking ashen faced. I knew something was wrong and I trailed behind him to find out what it was. I followed him to his room and closed the door behind me.

"What is it, Al?" I sat on his bed hoping he'd be a little more forthright with me than the last time I tried to get information from him. I had a sneaking suspicion that perhaps Anora had dumped him.

Alistair looked at me; he truly had the thousand-yard stare. He poured himself a little brandy from the decanter in his room and didn't even offer any to me. His hand shook as he poured. "Give me a moment, Lucy." His voice was a little hoarse.

I was very alarmed. I got up and stood next to him, my hand on his shoulder. "Al, whatever it is. I'm here for you, man. Thick or thin. We will get past this, brother."

He looked at me, the glaze in his eyes resolving to fear. "Okay. Perhaps you should sit down."

I sat back down on the edge of his bed and he sat next to me and finished off his brandy in one gulp. He took a deep breath and wiped off his mouth. "Anora is expecting."

The simple sentence slammed into me like a bagful of wet mice. "Uh..." dribbled out of my mouth as my brain dribbled out of my ears. My mouth dropped open and I stared at him stupidly for a moment. "When you say expecting what exactly do you mean?" Knowing Alistair, it could mean almost anything. Hope sprang eternal.

Alistair's eyes blinked twice. A muscle beside his mouth twitched. "She's going to have a baby." He buried his fingers into his hair and looked on the verge of utter panic.

_God, Loghain was going to murder him, and then me for telling him this couldn't happen. _"Are you sure it's yours? I mean, I don't mean anything by it, but perhaps someone else did it?"

Alistair shook his head. "She swears I am the only one since King Cailan died." He clutched my arm. "Maker, Lucy, I've gotten a bastard on the queen!"

I shook my head. "They said this couldn't happen." I looked at Alistair.

"They said it was very unlikely. Very, very unlikely."

We both went silent for a moment. "Well... um, other than the fact she's the queen and the archdemon is going to be here in a week or so, how would you feel about having a baby?"

He smiled. "I would like it. I had never really even considered it a possibility. I was going to be a templar, then a Grey Warden. It just never seemed like a family would be within the realm of possibilities."

I squeezed his hand. "So what did Anora say? What are her choices?"

Alistair looked at me, the panic in his eyes deepening. "She says we have to get married and I..." he gulped, struggled to draw a breath, and choked on the words, "I have to be the King."

He swore me to secrecy and made me double pinky-promise not to tell Loghain. Of course I wouldn't! Loghain was probably going to kill him as it was. Then he was going to kill me.

~o~o~o~

All of the Grey Wardens had a strategy meeting that day, including Loghain. Our newest Warden and Danny eyed one another during the meeting. There wasn't any overt hostility between them; it was just a bit of macho maneuvering. Alistair refused to meet Loghain's eyes, but he shot me glances that looked a bit 'deer in the headlights'. I sat next to him and squeezed his hand under the table when he looked especially panicked.

The purpose of the meeting was to try to gain more intelligence on where the horde was. The scouts being sent out weren't coming back. It was too dangerous to send more. By our best estimates, we had another week to ten days, but our intel was old.

"I could fly south and see what there is to see," I suggested.

Loghain nodded. "That sounds like a pretty good option."

Riordan's brow furrowed. "Let's not forget that the archdemon can fly. I doubt a crow could out-fly a dragon."

"My vision as a bird is very good. I wouldn't have to get too close."

We argued over it for awhile and it was finally decided that I would go. Loghain was getting a little impatient with our decision making by consensus process that we'd always used. He was used to a military hierarchical structure. I suppose even the Wardens had a more hierarchical structure normally, but since there was no real leader this seemed to make more sense for us.

The next order of business was Riordan informing Loghain that the Warden dealing the deathblow would die. Of course, he already knew this because I'd told Loghain most of our secrets long ago. However, I hadn't ever told Alistair or Riordan about that. Loghain had the good sense to not reveal how long ago I'd told him.

"Loghain, I've already volunteered to deliver the deathblow. I expected to be seeking out the Deep Roads by now anyway." Riordan talked about his impending death utterly without emotion in his voice.

Loghain snorted derisively. "That's nonsense. Lucy told me Avernus' potion delays the Calling, perhaps indefinitely. You're the most experienced Grey Warden in Ferelden, losing you would be foolish. I will deal the deathblow."

I was rather surprised Loghain would say something positive about Riordan, a man with an Orlesian accent.

Alistair jumped in. "You're both needed far more than I am. Loghain, you're the military genius this country relies on. Riordan, Loghain is right, we need an experienced Warden to rebuild the order here Ferelden." Alistair's face took on a stoic mask. "I will do it."

Poor Alistair, it would be entirely unjust for him to die just as he was about to get married – even though it might be a shotgun, or rather, crossbow, wedding – and have a baby. Then again, judging by the look of panic on his face about the whole baby thing, maybe death was just an easy out.

This whole discussion was pushing me into my own panic. Despite by intellectual acceptance of my death, or that of my most cherished friends and lovers, I was _not_ by any means really ready for this. My resignation only held up when I pretty much just didn't think about it. Openly discussing this, as if we were deciding who has to take out the trash, was opening the flood gates of fear I'd only just managed to keep closed by ignoring it. Even if it wasn't my death, it was one of theirs and I loved them all. The only thing that kept me from losing my cool was to focus on the absurdity of this conversation.

"You all make this sound like surgery. What are we going to do, hack away at him until his pulse gets spotty and his blood pressure drops? Do we wait until he goes code blue and then the sacrificial Warden delivers the _coup de grâce_?" I puffed a stray lock off my face with annoyance. "It seems to me most of our battles are rather chaotic and we're just trying to win, not take the enemy's vitals and choreograph their final moment."

Three faces turned to me with three puzzled expressions.

"I get what you're saying, Lucy," Riordan said, "even though I don't know what a blue code is."

I nodded. "It's likely to be random, isn't it? It could be some Dalish arrow or a large onion falling on his head."

"We will simply have to call off the attackers when the archdemon gets damaged badly enough," Loghain growled. He knew I was making a good point and it pissed him off. "I'll make the arrangements for that to happen."

My eyebrow jumped up with my skepticism. I still didn't see how it could be done. My mouth then formed words without my brain's permission: "I think it should be obvious who the sacrifice should be. Flemeth brought me here for this. I'm not even of this world. I don't belong here. The three of you have duties and significance outside of the Blight. I'm... not needed. My presence only complicates things for us all. Plus I'll be a much more convincing Elissa Cousland if I'm dead."

"Nonsense, Lucy. That notion is off the table." Loghain's eyes glinted dangerously as he rejected my proposal. "Your value to Ferelden is unquestionable."

Riordan and Alistair nodded their agreement with Loghain. "Loghain is right. This sacrifice is not yours to make, Lucy," Danny said.

I shook my head imperceptibly. I somehow doubted this whole business was going to be as neat and tidy as they thought it would be.

They never did come to an agreement on who was going to deliver the deathblow. The only thing the three of them had decided was that I wouldn't be the one to do it. I think they were all kidding themselves, and sadly, they probably knew it at some level. It would most likely be a random thing.

I would leave tomorrow to spy on the horde. I spent the afternoon sparring with Alistair and Riordan. As the afternoon wore on and the sun was getting close to setting, I wandered through the nearly empty streets of the market district, trying not to think about things. I felt as though all the joy and hope I'd experienced ever since coming to this world was dissipating. It was as if it had all been some sort of dream. It was strange how I'd managed to keep such a positive outlook for so long. Maybe I'd been expecting some sort of deus ex machina to resolve this crisis. I suppose Morrigan's ritual had been that. Refusing her solution had removed that possibility. I found myself reconsidering her proposal as I wandered through the abandoned marketplace.

I was so preoccupied with my gloomy musing I was completely taken by surprise when I was grabbed and pulled into an alleyway. I was about to open my mouth to shout when a hand covered it.

I heard a heavy, familiar sigh. "Ah, Warden, you wander about so oblivious to everything you didn't even see me stalking you. A fine Crow you'd make," he whispered, chidingly.

_Zevran!_ I wriggled a little, trying to get out of his grasp so I could speak.

"Shush, cara, be still," he whispered.

A moment later it became clear why he wanted to be quiet. A small group of thugs walked past the alley where we were.

"She's here somewhere. People don't just disappear," I heard a voice say. "Loghain's whore should fetch a big enough ransom to get us out of here."

_Oh crap!_ I guessed one of Loghain's guards or servants had been talking. I nodded at Zevran to let him know I understood and he let me go. I gestured with my head that we should take them out and he nodded back his assent. Then he became all assassin in a way that was rather thrilling to watch. It sent a shiver up my spine. He was a scary guy; I was glad he was my friend. He signaled to me to keep to the back and advance quietly on the group of four men. He slid across to the other side of the street, utterly silently, and advanced. I kept an eye on him and quietly drew on the lyrium in my necklace, stepping part way into the Fade. I could see halfway through my legs as I became more transparent. We got reasonably close to the men and I stepped out of the Fade.

"Looking for little ol' me?" I said in a patently phony southern accent, as I stepped out into the middle of the street and vamped for the thugs. They turned around, looking surprised, and headed for me. One stayed back and loaded a crossbow.

As they passed Zevran's location he immediately attacked one and killed him instantly. I quit my vamping and drew my daggers. One thug peeled off to go for Zevran and the other one engaged me. Zevran killed his second opponent quickly, just as I was finishing mine off. The guy with the crossbow was aiming at Zevran whose back was to the archer. I stepped into the Fade again, preparing to make a quick appearance next to the bowman, but he released the arrow before I could complete the move.

Time slowed for me, like it had when we fought Taliesin. I could see the arrow moving slowly through the air. It would probably kill Zevran if it hit him. Without thinking I moved between him and the arrow and let it come to me. I watched it make its graceful, slow, but still deadly progress. It was aligned directly with the left side of my chest. I thought how easy it would be. This would be vastly preferable than facing what was coming. _Would it hurt?_ It probably would, moving at such a slow speed, still I knew it would kill me just as surely as if it were moving at normal speed. In the real world it was moving fast. I would need to hit the arrow, to turn it aside, or perhaps pluck it from the air if I could, but my hand didn't move. I just watched it come closer and closer. Tears began to fall from my eyes. Then, as it was about to make contact with my breast, my hand finally did move, reaching out to grab the arrow.

The arrow had lots of velocity behind it. Trying to grab it out of the air, even in slow motion, was going to be difficult. I wrapped my fingers tightly around its shaft, feeling it continue on its relentless trajectory. It burned the skin off my hand as I gripped it. The head of the arrow was piercing my armor and I could just feel it nudging the skin, beginning to puncture it. I shouted and squeezed the arrow boosting my strength with arcane energies. It stopped. I dropped out of the Fade. The arrow had buried itself less than an inch into my breast.

"Brasca!" Zevran swore, seeing me as I solidified from the Fade. That was all he said as he launched himself at the bowman and killed him.

I stood stock still, my hand still wrapped around the arrow, wondering what I had nearly done. Blood was welling up from the wound. I pulled the arrow free and dropped it, my eyes following it to the ground where they stayed.

"Didn't I tell you to never take another arrow for me?" he snapped angrily. I didn't respond. "Lucia?"

I felt Zevran's fingers fumbling with my cuirass, trying to get it off me. I stood still, not helping, staring stupidly at the arrow I'd nearly let kill me. "Lucia? Snap out of it!" He got my chest piece off and cut through the tunic I wore underneath. "Lucia?" His voice was beginning to sound panicked as he jammed his hand against the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. "Heal yourself, woman. Lucia!" He slapped me and my head rocked to the side, breaking my eye contact with the arrow. I finally focused my eyes on him.

"What?" I looked down at my chest and the sight of all that blood pulled me back from the abyss. "Oh!" I healed myself. The pain of the hole in my chest never even registered until I had it healed, then it all hit. I gasped at both the pain of the wound and the shock that I had nearly committed suicide. I thought of how that would have affected everyone I cared for. The selfishness of the act shamed me.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, apologizing to everyone I would have let down if I'd done it.

Zevran had never looked more confused. "Lucia, what is it? What just happened?" He wrapped his arm around me and walked me to the side of the alley.

"I...almost didn't stop the arrow." I started to tremble now that my senses were returning. "I don't know what came over me."

"Let's go find a drink, amore. There must be someplace still open in this Maker forsaken city." Zevran grasped my hand and pulled me through the market district. The Gnawed Noble was closed but he picked the lock. We went in and sat at a table inside the deserted building. He rummaged behind the bar until he found a pair of glasses and a bottle of apricot brandy.

I sipped at it. I didn't want to think about what had just happened. "Zev, please come back. Riordan is sorry for what he said. He misses you. We all do."

Zevran narrowed his eyes. "We'll discuss that subject soon, yes? There's something more pressing we need to discuss. I want to know what happened back there. What did you mean you almost didn't stop the arrow?"

Suddenly the apricot brandy seemed like a very good thing. I took a long sip. My mind didn't want to replay what I'd just done, or not done, or almost didn't not do. It was confusing. I was confused. I could use a buzz. I emptied the glass and pushed it aside and reached out to take up the bottle.

"Eh, no." Zevran pinned my hand to the table with his. "Answer my question."

I couldn't look at him. Zevran always knew how to get me to lay my soul bare to him. I was doomed if I looked in those eyes, so I kept them on the table.

He must have realized that so he pulled his chair next to mine and put his hand under my chin, forcing my eyes up to his. "Look at me. Tell me."

"I can't do this."

"What can't you do?" His eyes stripped me of my defenses.

"I'm a coward. I don't want to meet the archdemon. I don't want to die killing it, but I don't want anyone else to die either. It should be me. I'm the outsider, it was why I was brought here. It just struck me that the arrow would be the easier option."

His hand let go of my chin and traced my cheek. "Why did you stop the arrow?"

"I knew it would be selfish to die like that. I would let too many people down. It might doom everything we've fought for. I just... couldn't do it."

He nodded. "Of course not. You're no coward. I've fought ogres, dragons, hordes of darkspawn with you, you've never faltered before. This is just another dragon."

I picked up the brandy bottle and slugged some down. "Only this one blows your ass up if you kill it." I saluted Zevran with the bottle. "No good deed goes unpunished."

He laughed. "Ah, that is true, indeed." He smiled at me. "Remember back in the Brecilian Forest when you met that poor Dalish woman who begged for death? Do you remember what I told you?"

I nodded. "You said life was brutal here. You were right. It sucks pretty hard at times."

"What else?" he prompted me.

"You said the way to get through it was to pretend." I remembered it vividly. His advice had gotten me past some brutal, horrible moments. "It hasn't been working so well lately." I wondered how Zevran managed to do the things he had done. Surely he had been faced with times when death was certain, yet somehow he'd always come out on top. He seemed to have no fear. I knew it came with Y chromosome, to some extent. "How do you do it?"

"Crow training. I don't recommend it. They take away everything you might want to live for. You come to expect death, you know it's waiting for you around the next bend in the road. After awhile it stops being such a terrible thing, you live with it long enough you forget about it."

I frowned. I wouldn't have that long to get used to it. "Hm."

"So, how will you deal with this, Lucia?"

I shrugged. "I just need to not think about it. I can't abandon my friends or this country I've come to think of as mine. I guess I just go on pretending to not be afraid." I smiled at Zevran. "It's not dying I mind so much, it's the staying dead part that bothers me."

He chuckled and pulled the bottle out of my hand and took a long pull on it.

"Are you coming back, Zev?"

"Do you want me back?" He held my gaze with that piercing stare of his.

I nodded. "I don't think I can do this without you." I put my hand on his. "Danny wants you back too." I begged him with my eyes. "Will you come back?"

He smiled and it reached his eyes. "I will, amore. I think I know how to keep your mind off the unpleasantness to come."

"Oh?" I said perkily, my eyebrows rising in anticipation. "Do tell!"

"Why more sparring, mia cara!"

"Of the horizontal or vertical sort?" I asked hopefully.

Zevran laughed and leaned over to kiss me. "I think both," he mumbled against my lips. "Come. Let's rinse the blood off your armor. I don't want to have to explain that to Riordan."

I felt my heart lift for the first time since the Grey Warden meeting and the discussion of the sacrifice.

~o~o~o~

Morrigan accompanied me on an aerial scouting trip to locate the horde. We knew pretty well which direction they'd come from, the south, and which road they'd use, but we didn't know how close they were. Refugees from the south had stopped arriving days ago. Hopefully choosing another route rather than trying to outrun the horde.

I still wasn't familiar with Ferelden measurements enough to be able to report back anything useful. I still thought in miles, yards, feet and inches. Morrigan could report something more meaningful to Loghain.

It didn't seem like we had flown that far, only a few hours, when I started to feel that tell-tale prickling feeling. I cawed a warning to Morrigan. We flew on, but at a slower speed. As we got closer the feeling intensified. I remembered how it had felt on that scouting expedition into the Wilds; this was the same except worse. As it grew I also felt an undercurrent of a... a melody? Yes, it was a song, slightly familiar. I couldn't actually hear it, but I sensed it. It played along my nerves, plucking them like harp strings. I yearned to hear it better. It was like listening to a long, passage of a haunting melody that never quite resolves. It pulls at you, sets your teeth on edge while you wait for the diminished fifth to resolve into a major third.

Then the horde came into view. It started as wave of darkness cresting a hill far into the distance. Morri and I settled into a tree to watch. The wave slowly poured down the slope of the hill like a giant wave of used motor oil.

I remembered where I'd heard this tune before. It had reeled me in the night the archdemon rose from the Deep Roads and I had dreamed of him. Perhaps because he was still far away the pull was much less, but I could feel it stirring my blood and beckoning me closer. I cawed a warning to Morrigan. It meant "bad shiny" in crow-speak, which I think was meant to warn other crows that a very shiny, attractive thing was dangerous. It seemed apt.

We watched the horde for quite some time. The hill remained covered in darkspawn the entire time. We watched for thirty minutes or so and even then they were still coming over the hill. I would judge they were a dozen miles away. If I were to guess they were roughly seventy five miles from Denerim.

I was just about to turn around to fly back to Denerim when I saw a small black dot in the sky on the horizon, behind the horde. We both murmured curious crow noises as we watched the dot. It grew bigger and as it did the music playing along my nerves grew louder and the pull, stronger. It had to be the archdemon and he was heading our way fast. I squawked a warning to Morrigan and flew off my branch, knowing I had to leave before the pull of the song became too strong. She took off after me and we started back.

I turned around and looked behind us and the dot was no longer a dot, it was a blob and getting bigger quickly. "Split up!" I cawed to Morrigan. Yes, very conveniently that is actually in the crow vocabulary. It's useful for getting away from hawks. Morrigan peeled off in one direction and I took off in another. I figured the archdemon wouldn't be fooled, he would know which one was me. I just hoped Morrigan could get away to report back.

I put everything I had into speed; my little crow heart was galloping in my chest from adrenaline and exertion. I risked another look back and the archdemon was still growing larger. The music was growing louder too, harder to resist. _Why run? _It seemed to say. _Because I'm scared shitless, _I thought. Truly, I was. My little crow digestive system was doing its best to lighten my load.

As Urthemiel drew closer it seemed as if I could hear him speaking to me. He kept trying to coax me to stop fleeing. _Let's just have a nice chat, _he seemed to be saying. _Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. _I well remembered the effect Urthemiel had on me in the Fade, I was afraid outside of the Fade it might be even worse. At least I could wake up and it would be over. Here... I was awake. There was no escape.

_No!_ I screamed in my mind. I didn't know if this communication was two-way or not, but I tried to project my thought. If he was going to kill me, he might as well get it over with. Somehow my fear managed to overwhelm the alluring music. I kept flying.

He was right behind me now. A giant-ass dragon chasing a crow would have been funny in other circumstances but right now I kept expecting a great conflagration to consume me as I flew, but it didn't happen. Then I began to worry that I was leading him right to Denerim. Would he dare follow me all the way to the city without the horde to back him up? Perhaps that would be a good thing, except nobody was expecting it. That wouldn't be good.

After nearly an hour of Urthemiel chasing me he turned around. _Soon, Lucy. Very soon. _

_Yeah. Really looking forward to that. _I wondered if my sarcastic reply got across to him. Now I had to find my way back to Denerim. If I flew west far enough I'd hit the coast, then I could follow the coast north... unless I'd already gone too far north. I flew on another hour in the direction I thought Denerim lay and then I found a road and I followed that. It was three more hours of flying and then I saw Denerim through the growing dusk. It looked truly beautiful to me. I was exhausted. I flew to the Warden Compound and changed back to human form and walked in wearily.

"You made it!" Morrigan hugged me as I walked in the door. "I was worried about you, sister. The archdemon seemed to make a beeline for you."

I flopped into a chair, wearily. "Indeed. He rode my ass for an hour, trying to talk me into stopping."

Morrigan looked surprised. "I'm surprised he didn't just blast you out of the sky."

"Me too, Morri. Me too." My weariness battled with extreme hunger. I needed to eat, that flight had utterly robbed me of my reserves, but I wasn't sure I could even walk to the kitchen. "Morri, could you tell the others I'm back?"

She nodded and left the parlor.

I slid down into the chair and shut my eyes and fell asleep immediately, but it wasn't long until Alistair, Danny and Zevran woke me up. There was an emotional reunion since Morrigan had assured them I was as good as dead. She had arrived an hour and a half before I had. I had gotten a little lost on the way back. Loghain had already been informed of the approximate distance of the horde and he was waiting to hear if I made it back. Morrigan volunteered to inform him.

I leaned on Zevran as I walked to the kitchen. I ate an extraordinary amount of food. Then I went to bed and slept very soundly between Zevran and Riordan, despite knowing the horde would be here in three days, maybe four.

**Notes: **_My thanks for your reviews and for sticking with me through so many, many chapters. I had some trouble with my muse. He abandoned me for a younger woman, I think. :p _

_Biff McLaughlin did another great job of beta-reading, however I might have introduced errors in some post-beta editing. I'm a klutz sometimes._

_Some people are asking, "where's the sex?" Well, I find sex scenes to be really difficult to write and they take forever, so in the interest of moving the plot along, they've become infrequent. Despite that be reassured the Wardens are still acting like teenagers behind the scenes._


	59. Count Down to Armageddon

**Count Down to Armageddon**

_Two days, maybe three._

It was the thought I woke up with the next morning after we found the horde. Everyone's face reflected the reality. I saw creases I hadn't seen before between the brows of my companions' faces. Every one of us was taut with anticipation. We sent the staff of the Warden compound away on a ship earlier and we were cooking for ourselves now. It hardly mattered now. All that counted was a fully belly; having the food actually taste good seemed unimportant.

Loghain summoned me to the palace. His light mood from just after his joining had disappeared. He was all general now.

"Why didn't the archdemon kill you?" he demanded.

I grimaced. "I don't know precisely, but I think he wanted another opportunity to...court me, as it were. He kept asking me to stop and _chat_ with him."

He blinked and shook his head, snorting with amusement. "That could only happen to you."

I frowned at him, not finding it funny in the least. "I didn't ask for this."

"No, but his fascination with you is a weakness we can exploit." He rubbed at his chin thoughtfully. "Unless he's decided to give up on you, it seems like we might be able to position you advantageously to lure him into position."

"Use me as bait, you mean."

"Well, yes. I suppose that's one way to look at it." He smiled at me and pointed at the top of Fort Drakon on his map of Denerim. "We'll put you here. The archdemon will fly down to woo you..."

"Kill me," I corrected him.

"Or that. We'll be waiting with ballistae and have troops in the tower ready to surge out."

"From what little I know of archdemons they're not stupid. They might be insufferably vainglorious, but they actually do plan and strategize. I dunno, if it were me, I'd suspect it might be a trap."

"Perhaps you can convince him you've had a change of heart, that you're ready to take him up on his offer."

I tried to imagine standing on top of Fort Drakon trying to act out a change of heart; a newly awakened passion for the big purple dragon, while he flies around eyeing me suspiciously. I wished I had taken a mime workshop sometime in my half century of life. Maybe I could pull off acting like I was inside an invisible box, but that I was pining away for love? I doubted it.

"Hm, I could try, I suppose," I said, dubiously. I wondered if I'd even last long enough to worry about striking the final blow.

"The dwarves arrived yesterday and some more mages from the Circle."

"Hm... more mages." I frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, they tend to pick up on the fact there's something unusual about me. Plus, have you ever noticed how they tend to cast fireballs and lightning into the middle of combat? They get a little panicky and they don't care if it's friend or foe in there, they immolate everything that moves."

He shook his head. "No, can't say I've worked that closely with elemental mages."

"It's because they've been so sheltered, I think. Morrigan and Wynne are a little more battle hardened. I suggest deploying the elemental mages where they won't fry the good guys."

"Good point." Loghain stretched out his legs in his chair and gave me a speculative look. "I have to meet with the dwarven generals in a bit. I'm not sure I'll have the time to see you again before the battle."

I smiled sadly. "So this might be it? The last time we see one another in this life, perhaps?" Tears burned behind my eyes and my nose stung.

"Nonsense. I intend to be there with you, Lucy. You might be luring the dragon down, but you won't be alone. I promise you that."

I nodded and got up, preparing to leave. "I should go. I know you're busy."

He got up from his chair and crossed over to me. "There's a Ferelden tradition." He stopped me at the door with a hand on my shoulder. "Before a battle..."

I turned around and was seared by the heat in his eyes. "A Ferelden tradition?" I said a little breathlessly. His intensity was contagious.

"Yes." He stepped nearer to me and pressed me against the door. "One to bring luck in battle." He bent over me and kissed me. I inhaled deeply, soaking in his scent. My hands reached up and I grabbed the silly little braids he always wore and tugged his head down to mine.

I smiled. "You're making this up, aren't you?"

He turned his face into my neck and his voice rumbled, partially muffled there. "Entirely."

I ran my hand down his chest and then down his thigh. I heard his breath catch when it reversed course going up his thigh, heading for the apex. "I'm a fan of new traditions, Loghain."

After months of Loghain telling me he was too old to make love anywhere but in bed, he took me against the door to his sitting room.

I owed Avernus a great deal, and so did Loghain.

~o~o~o~

_One day, maybe two._

Despite spending the remainder of the day sparring with Riordan, then Zevran, then Alistair; the desperately intense lovemaking that followed; being wedged between the two men who somehow made me feel safe and loved during the most desperate and dangerous of times... I still dreamed of Urthemiel.

I was fleeing him again, just as I had a few days ago. He had trapped me between his hands, as the human form of Urthemiel. He laughed as I tried to beat my wings and escape from him. I clawed at him, but I couldn't hurt him. I tried to peck at his eyes, but it only made him laugh harder.

"Surrender, Lucy," he said in his rich, mellifluous voice. "Come with me Lucy, be my bride. Let us cast down this _Maker_. We will show the world that the old gods are the true gods. You and I, our children, we shall rule the world."

I squawked in terror. "Bad shiny! Very bad shiny!" I struggled against him and then I turned human and I socked him in the eye.

"Ow!"

I awoke and saw that Danny was leaning over me, holding his eye. "Oh, shit! Danny, I'm so sorry. I was having a nightmare." I pulled his hand away from his eye and placed my own against it and healed him.

"Bad shiny again," he said.

I nodded. "Urthemiel. Fucker." I kissed him and laid down. I didn't chance dreaming of him again. I spelled myself to sleep.

~o~o~o~

_Today? Perhaps tomorrow?_

Clouds of red dust, stirred by the marching horde and the lack of rain in late summer, obscured the sun and painted everything in shades of blood red. A fitting portent of what was to come. I flew over the city in crow form and looked at our preparations. The battlements were manned with mages, presumably the panicky elemental mages I had warned Loghain about, and Dalish archers. There were trebuchets ready to fling stones and boiling oil. Fires were burning and oil was being heated already.

The top of Fort Drakon was manned. There were ballistae covered by tarpaulins. The people manning the ballistae were hiding under the tarpaulins too. Presumably Loghain had soldiers ready inside the fort. Ready to boil out and attack the archdemon just as soon as he had landed to check me out.

I had been practicing my acting for Zevran and Riordan.

"How's this for looking like I've had a change of heart and I really love Urthemiel?" I clasped my hands together, put them next to my check and sighed theatrically, batting my eyelashes.

Riordan and Zevran looked at one another. "We're doomed," Zevran said.

I sighed and moped off, trying to think of inspiration for the most important part I was ever to play.

That night we "slept" in Fort Drakon. I spent the night in a small office on an uncomfortable pallet with Zevran and Riordan. We got drunk knowing I could clear the alcohol from our systems quickly if necessary. There was a frantic scrambling of hands to remove clothing followed by frenzied sex. It was possibly the last night of this troika. Whatever shared affection, trust, love, acceptance and understanding we found in each other, we'd probably never find in anyone else, certainly not in two other people who were so open to sharing it as we had been.

When none of us had anything more to give, we held each other. It was well beyond my ability to bear it and I cried. I didn't want to think about living without either one of them in my life.

"It has been a good run," Zevran said. "If neither of you do anything foolish tomorrow, it doesn't need to end."

Riordan kissed Zevran, not something he did all that often with him. He was a bit too macho for that most of the time. "It has been a good run, Zev. A very good run. Take care of Lucy if..."

I exploded into louder weeping. "Shut the fuck up!" I wailed. I suddenly felt I'd made a huge mistake not accepting Morrigan's proposal. I'd never even discussed it with Riordan or Alistair. Why didn't I? Wouldn't a poorly socialized god baby be a better alternative than this? It certainly seemed that way now. My sense of righteousness at refusing Morrigan's proposal was completely gone. What I had done was stupid. I hated myself for it now. I had condemned one of them to an undeserved death... unless I was the one who delivered the death blow.

Zevran tried to comfort me but I couldn't shut off the tears. Finally he rummaged through his backpack and handed me a little bottle. "Drink just a swallow of this, amore."

I did and felt myself calming down and drifting away. It wasn't long until I was unconscious. Whatever decisions I had made, right or wrong, it was too late to change them now.

~o~o~o~

_Today._

It had to be today unless the darkspawn had decided to take a holiday from random wanton slaughter and destruction. I awoke at a decent hour, feeling rather refreshed and, oddly enough, perky. Riordan was missing from our makeshift bedroom, but Zevran was there. I kissed Zevran thoroughly and rolled him over on the pallet we had shared to give him a non-Antivan massage.

"Um, Warden, if you go any lower the Antivan archdemon may rise," he warned me. He turned over and pulled me down, his eyes smiling into mine. "You look almost happy this morning, what happened?"

"Shush. I don't want to be too introspective, it'll totally ruin my mood. You were very thoughtful in providing me with exactly what I needed, sex and drugs, to get through the night." I kissed him softly. "Thank you, Zevran."

"I'll remember that for the future."

I smiled and didn't say anything. _Future. Yeah, right. _I stroked his cheek and tried to memorize his face. The look on his face was cryptic, to say the least. He was hard to read at the best of times.

He kissed me and slapped my ass. "We should get up, no? The darkspawn surely must be close by now."

I nodded and got up. I found a basin and filled it with warm water and washed up. I supplied bathing water for all my companions as there was little to be had elsewhere. After we had all washed up I went looking for Riordan. I sent out my Grey Warden feelers and could feel him up above me. I climbed up the staircases and found him on the rooftop, looking out into the distance, watching for the darkspawn, I suppose.

My perky mood dissipated the moment I stepped outside. The sky had gotten darker, redder and bloodier. There was ash falling now too from the villages which were burning outside Denerim. The sun glowed feebly through the blood-red sky, which looked more like an angry red planet than the sun itself.

I walked over to him. He looked awful, like he hadn't slept at all. I put my hand on his shoulder and sent a strong shot of rejuvenation into him. "You look like you didn't sleep, love."

He turned to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. "I didn't." He reached inside his leather armor and pulled something over his head. "I want you to have this, Lucy. I wish I had something more to give you, but I'm hoping that your memories of our time together will be enough."

He pressed the object into my hand. It was a little vial filled with what I knew was a bit of the potion from his Joining ceremony. "Dammit Danny, let me do it. I..."

He pressed his finger against my lips and shook his head. Then he crushed me to him and kissed me with a kiss that was both fiercely passionate and gentle. It was 'goodbye' and 'I love you' and everything else neither of us could say without breaking down. It only ended when the door to the rooftop crashed open and a soldier ran toward us shouting: "The darkspawn are here!"

~o~o~o~

**Note: **_I just had to say something in this story about how much I HATE using the Circle mages in the game because they're always pounding the darkspawn with area spells that negatively affect your party. So I decided in this story it's because they're so scared they'll nuke anything that moves._

_This is a short update because it made sense to make this a chapter break. I just reread Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle and realized short chapters are nothing to be ashamed of. :)_

_Please review! If you've read all this way without reviewing, I'd love to hear from you now. One thing I'd like to hear is what you think will happen next. Then I can figure out if I've set things up properly. Thanks to everyone who does review! I really, really appreciate it. _

_I know this is a bit of a cliff-hanger but the next chapter is pretty much done. I just need to get some feedback from my beta-readers. My thanks to Biff McLaughlin for her terrific proofreading skills and to Zevgirl for giving me feedback on this chapter and the next one. Read their stories, they're great! _

_The next chapter is the climax, but there are a few tangled skeins to unwind after that. There are even a few surprises._


	60. Lucy and Urthemiel, Sitting in a Tree

_Sorry about the cliff-hanger last time. Uh... sort of did it again on this chapter too. Next chapter is well underway and should be in the hands of my beta-reader very soon._

**Lucy and Urthemiel, Sitting in the Tree...**

There was no better place to watch the end of the world than the top of Fort Drakon.

End of the world it was, from the perspective of those who would die, which might well include me. Was it worth dying for? Probably more so than most wars. At least this one had a clear goal: Survival. Still, I was thoroughly a product of my generation; someone else always fought wars at a comfortable distance. I just had to foot the bill for them, or rather my generation's progeny did. Ideologically, this was the most honest way to fight a war: Pay as you go, with your life, your crops, and crushing tax burdens. War shouldn't be something you can watch remotely from the comfort of your sofa while letting your kid's generation finance it, and someone else's kids fight and die. As ideologically honest as this war was, it still sucked, but at least this time I had a front row seat, although the price of admission was a bit steep.

Riordan had left me with another, briefer, kiss. "Survive this, my love," were his words to me as he turned to leave me alone on top of the roof.

"You too, Danny," I said quietly, knowing he didn't hear me.

I ran to the side of the fort and peeked over the wall to watch. I could see the darkspawn approaching. They carried torches that made the blood red air glow about them. I wondered at first why they carried torches, there was enough light to see by, but then later I understood as I saw them setting anything remotely flammable on fire.

The horde coalesced on the gates to the city which had been reinforced recently; still I doubted they would stand very long against the might of the attackers. There were trebuchets arrayed along the city walls and they flung rocks, flaming oil, and anything else that might hurt a lot when it hit. There were a lot of archers as well as the elemental mages from the Circle who I had suggested be placed where that they wouldn't be confused about what to target. I watched Loghain giving orders on the wall, near the south gate, then I saw him turn and run toward the fort. Some of the dwarves and ground troops were ready for when the gates finally failed, but many were in the fort, awaiting the word to rush onto the rooftop.

Rows of darkspawn were mowed down only to be replaced by more. From my vantage point the horde went on endlessly, dwindling into the murky red distance. By how much we were outnumbered, I could only guess. Ten to one?

I felt so alone on the rooftop. I knew the troops were near and that there were soldiers to man the ballistae hiding under tarpaulins. I scanned the skies looking for Urthemiel. He finally appeared as a black dot on the murky horizon. This time there was no fleeing. I just had to wait and wonder what he would do, what I would do.

I saw the horde ramming the gates. Three ogres were wielding a fallen tree trunk like a battering ram. The gates were shaking with each ramming, but holding so far. If the gates could hold, if Urthemiel came swooping down to _chat _with me again, and if the soldiers at the ballistae could execute a perfect surprise attack and damage his wings enough that he couldn't fly, we might never have to deal with the horde entering the city. Theoretically, once the archdemon dies, they go back to being dumber than a box of rocks, and they'll be easy to route from the city gates. That was a whole hell of a lot of ifs.

The dot in the sky grew bigger and the teeming hordes began to form up into what looked like a more military order. A second team of ogres was attacking the gate now as well. I suspected the archdemon was giving orders.

"Come here you big, purple hunk of burning love," I muttered, trying to project my thoughts. I had no idea if he could read my thoughts. I was able to read his when he was chasing me through the Bannorn. Just to be safe, I tried not to think about how much I hated him and wanted him deader than disco. Then I was hit by inspiration, if I could project my Warden call to my fellow Wardens, perhaps Urthemiel could feel it too. I turned it on, broadcasting my taintedness to anyone who cared to pick up the signal.

It worked too well. Riordan and Alistair crashed through the doorway to the roof looking panicked.

"What?" Riordan said, rumpling his hair with a hand, looking frazzled. The _call_ did that. It is an itching, pulling sensation that is hard to resist. It was also a turn-on, at least it was for me.

"It's okay!" I shooed them with my hands. "Just trying to make contact with you-know-who." I looked up and the dot was getting larger fast. "Looks like it worked. Be ready."

They withdrew into the building again and Urthemiel closed in on the fort, stopping along the way to blast the city walls with his breath. The defenders fled the walls and the trebuchets started to burn with a strange purple flame. There was fortunately a bucket brigade and they mobilized instantly to put out the fires. _Bless Loghain, _I thought. I'm sure that's the sort of detail someone like him would have thought of ahead of time. I certainly wouldn't have.

I was seriously scared. Urthemiel could kill me so easily in so many ways. He could just toast me in that magical fire coming from his mouth. I had that new force field spell that Morrigan had taught me, but I wasn't sure it would work against that. He might squish me, or pick me up in a claw and pop me into his mouth like an hors d'oeuvres.

I stood watching him. "Hey, handsome, looking for a good time?" I said. I was at a loss for pickup lines to use on dragons.

There was a tremendous flapping and then he was hovering over the roof. His wings made a gale that whipped all sorts of dust around and nearly knocked me over. I staggered backwards, barely able to keep to my feet and was blinded by the debris being blown about.

"Urthemiel, sweetheart," I yelled at the top of my lungs. "You'll need to land if we're going to talk."

_'Have you had a change of heart, Lucy?' _His voice echoed in my head. '_Are you ready to become my bride? My goddess? The mother of my brood? Are you ready to become a dragon?'_

"Yes." I squeaked, my voice going high-pitched with fear. _Mother of his brood? _That sounded ominously like brood mother and made me think of the breeding darkspawn we found in the Deep Roads. _Become a dragon? _I supposed it was necessary in order to procreate with him. I wondered if perhaps he was just going to teach me a new shape-shifting form, such as Flemeth used, or if this was a more permanent arrangement?

_'Wise choice, Lucy. These humans will cease to exist soon. You can live forever.'_

"Yay," I said, my enthusiasm profoundly lacking. "Land, my _eternal _love, I want to seal our betrothal with a kiss." I suppressed my gag reflex and thought of how it felt to be in Riordan's arms instead. I tried to block out the fact I was attempting to seduce a dragon. I needed to be convincing.

Urthemiel finally landed, his front feet coming a dozen paces from me. I let my Grey Warden call drop, hoping it would be taken as a sign for the others to attack. Then I willed myself to go closer to the enormous dragon. His giant head dipped down to my level and I closed my eyes and kissed him on the snout. I felt that calling, singing sensation across my nerves stronger than I'd ever felt it. It was as though this one small act had strengthened the bond between us.

_'Ah, my queen, soon we will be joined...'_

Then a horn was sounded and both doors to the rooftop were flung open and troops charged toward us. Alistair, Loghain and Riordan led the charge but the other companions followed behind. The tarpaulins were flung off the ballistae and they were being aimed at Urthemiel.

_'TREACHERY!'_ His voice screamed in my brain. '_Perfidious woman! It's too late for you now. Willing or not, you will be my mate.'_

I turned to run away from the very angry, horny dragon.

Several things happened at once. I heard the ballistae fire and explosions detonate around us. One struck Urthemiel in the breast, but unfortunately not his wing. He let out a terrible roar and sent a gout of purple flame at a ballista. As I was running away I felt his enormous claw grasp me. Gently enough that he didn't squish me, but firmly enough I was pinioned and could not get away. Then he beat his wings and we were airborne.

I could see the ground falling away underneath us and the last human face I saw before they became too small was Riordan's. He looked up at me, desperation painting his features.

This close, this connected to the archdemon, I could get a sense of his thoughts. He wanted to find a place to put me where I couldn't get away. I sensed his anger and his desire to punish me. He'd have an eternity to make my existence a nightmare. Maybe this wasn't exactly how he wanted this scenario to go, but it was good enough. On top of that there were several flavors of lust. Yes, the usual sort related to procreational activities, but blood lust too. I just wasn't sure which one was going to win out first.

Below us the fight was suffering for his lack of attention. The city wall defenses had been reformed and reinforced. They were taking a terrible toll on the horde attacking the gates. I felt Urthemiel's anger at how the fight was going and I sensed him reaching a decision. He would destroy the city, then attend to me.

I was so firmly held in his clasp that I couldn't move my arms to cast a spell as I'd been taught, but I might be able to do it, if I could concentrate hard enough and murmur the words. When I opened my mind to it, I could feel the lyrium necklace humming gently against my skin. Perhaps I could Fade-step out of his grasp. I began to gather the lyrium to fuel the maneuver and wait for an opportunity.

_'Do not!'_

Urthemiel's talons tightened around me, almost crushing my ribs. I couldn't breathe! He must have felt me gathering magic about me. I was running out of ideas on how to get away from him. If I must, I'd kill myself before allowing Urthemiel tobreed with me. I teetered on the verge of unconsciousness when he finally loosened his grip and I gasped for breath.

The archdemon banked sharply and flew low over the city, strafing the city walls with his breath again. I saw archers and mages running for cover, screaming in pain as the magical flame bathed them.

_'They're like ants to me. I just want to rid the world of them.'_

I could feel the joy radiating off him. I never felt that happy destroying ants, personally.

He dove down, turning around another tower. I saw someone standing on the tower, but we were flying so fast I couldn't see who it was. He banked again and this time flew slower past the tower.

_'One of yours. I feel his blood.'_

Then I felt his call. "Danny!" I knew he couldn't hear me but I just wanted to say his name. I returned his call to let him know I still lived.

"Lucy!" I heard him shout my name and then I felt Urthemiel dip a little lower suddenly as if... _Maker no! _"Hang on, Lucy!" I heard him shout somewhere above me.

"Oh, goddammit, Danny! What are you doing?" I felt the archdemon's emotions strongly: Pain, annoyance, anger. "Careful Danny! He's going to..." his claws clutched me hard again and I couldn't draw another breath or even finish my sentence.

Urthemiel dove steeply, trying to get Danny off his back. I could hear Danny shouting curses and insults then he went silent. If only I could see him! This was driving me mad. I could sense him above me still, so I knew he hadn't fallen off. Then Urthemiel banked again and tried to scrap his back against the side of a tower. I heard Danny yell, he sounded panicked this time. Next I heard a sound like a knife ripping through canvas. It seemed to go on and on and then it stopped.

Danny suddenly wasn't above me. He was below me. "Danny!" I whispered with what little breath I could draw. I was focused on him... feeling him, feeling him, and then... my sense of him just stopped. It just... ended, like someone flipping a light switch off. I couldn't remember a time when his presence hadn't been there, ever since I had learned the skill to seek it; even when he slept. I wanted to scream. I wanted to beat at the claws that held me, but my air was running out, the claws were gripping me too tightly. I was on the verge of blacking out again.

I did black out. I awoke on the roof of Fort Drakon, lying on my back in front of Urthemiel. He had other things to think about at the moment as a group of dwarven berserkers were converging on him. Two large men were approaching. In my addled state, I didn't recognize them at first. Then I knew who they were - Alistair and Loghain.

I finally came to myself enough to roll away from the dragon and stand up. I staggered backwards, away from him, until I felt arms come around me and support me.

"Are you all right, amore?"

I turned to look at Zevran, my eyes filling with tears. "No, Zev. Danny is dead."

He looked shaken. I saw his eyes go flat, the corner of his mouth twitched then tightened into a frown. "Then we must have our vengeance, amore. Come, there is a dragon that needs assassinating." He ran to the dragon and began darting under him, slashing at his belly.

I took a moment to collect myself and looked around the rooftop. My companions were all here. Morrigan looked eager, almost ebullient. She launched attack after attack at the archdemon and laughed as she did so. Loghain and Alistair were taking turns attacking the archdemon's snout. Sten, Oghren, even my marbari, Liam, was there. Leliana gave me a concerned look before she sent a string of arrows into the archdemon. Wynne ran up to me to check me for injuries and healed me a little. I could have done it myself, but I was in too much shock.

"Lucy?" Wynne looked at me with concern. She checked me for injuries and healed what she could find. "Lucy, you can't check out now." She shook my shoulder.

"Danny," I whispered. "He's dead." I sobbed. "He fell."

Wynne's face went steely. "He died doing his duty, Lucy. It's all any of us can ask for."

I shook my head and the tears began to flow.

Wynne's grip on my shoulder turned vicious. The woman had some strength in those old hands. "Lucy, get in there. Make his death count for something. Make him proud of you."

Something about her voice pierced the veil of grief and my anger swelled. I unsheathed my daggers. With each step, I felt my hatred growing. "Fucking dragon!" I shouted. "I lied, you know! I never had the least bit of interest in you. I wanted you like I want a root canal without anesthesia. Your goddamn narcissism kept you from seeing what should have been obvious: I always hated you!"

Urthemiel whipped his head up and over to me and he launched a gout of purple flame at me.

_Hatred. 'Kill you!'_

"Good fucking luck, asshole!" I screamed and flung open my doorway to the Fade and stepped away from the flame to the dragon's side. Then I began to slice at him with my daggers. I enhanced my strength with the skills I learned from the Arcane warrior and I danced around the dragon, avoiding his tail, evading his mouth when he tried to snap at me, and his claws when he tried to stomp on me. Alistair and Loghain were fighting hard to get his attention again, he seemed to want to kill me particularly badly now.

_'I should have killed you!' _Mental images of him dropping me from a great distance played through my mind. '_Killed you like that other Warden. He's a puddle now.'_

"You're not fit to lick his boots, you stupid gecko!" I screamed. I blipped and was on the other side of the dragon as he bit the air where I had been standing.

_Confusion. 'Gecko?'_

"Harmless garden lizard!" I clarified. My world contracted to me and the dragon. I only wanted to kill him. I didn't notice the Dalish archers shooting arrows into him, or even Irving, the First Enchanter, shooting lightning bolts at him. Later I was told that the dwarves were there, including the Legion of Dead. It was only me, mano a mano, with the dragon, at least as far as I was concerned. I snarled and used my dagger to cut my hand. The blood rolled down my blades and coated them. I was infused with even more speed and strength. I launched myself at his back and climbed up his neck. Then I used blood magic, arcane warrior magic, and I drew power from the lyrium necklace as I stabbed into his neck with everything I had.

My strike penetrated his protective scales and went deep into his neck. I must have hit a vein because the blood poured out of him. I stabbed again and again, screaming my rage at him. "You killed Danny!"

Underneath me, Urthemiel's thoughts began to turn panicky. I could hear a roar going up through the horde outside the walls. Was he losing his grip on the battle? I didn't have time to spare thinking about it. I just stabbed and stabbed again, until he was finally able to whip his head around and fling me off his neck. While I flew through the air I somehow managed to cast a force field around myself. Good thing I did because I eventually struck the rooftop hard and bounced like a giant volleyball several times before coming to a stop. When the shield wore off, I had to take a moment to shake off my disorientation. Urthemiel was looking bad, very bad. His head drooped. His mouth was open and bloody drool was pooling under him.

Loghain abruptly gave the signal to stop attacking the archdemon. His lieutenant, Cauthrien, picked up the command and repeated it. I heard it being repeated all over the rooftop and the archers stopped their assault, the dwarves were coming down from their berserker rages, and the few mages I trusted up there, put up their staves.

Urthemiel lifted his head one last time and looked at me, his great yellow eyes filled with reproach. I felt how betrayed and hurt he was by what I'd done. I was momentarily flooded with guilt. _What the fuck? How can an evil, tainted god, trying to destroy all life, make me feel guilty? _But there it was: guilt.

"You fucking bastard! Don't look at me like that. You killed Danny!" I screamed.

I looked over at Loghain. He had picked up his sword and was taking a step toward the archdemon, obviously intending to deliver the final blow. He looked over at me and nodded grimly.

Then Alistair ran up and stood in front of him, holding up a hand. They were too far away, I couldn't hear what they were saying, but Alistair was trying to pull the sword out of his hands. The argument was getting more heated and it looked like they might come to blows.

Fortunately neither of them were paying much attention to me. I picked up another sword and, as I was straightening up, I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked to see whose it was.

"Go on, bella, you've earned this. Kill this bastard for Danny." His hand squeezed my shoulder. The look on his face was grim.

"Goodbye, Zev," I choked out the words and clamped down firmly on the tears that were threatening to spill. Zevran knew I was going to my death. It hurt that he was encouraging me to seek retribution this way. A little protest, an attempt to restrain me would have been nice. Perhaps I had been kidding myself about him. Maybe he didn't really have feelings for Riordan and I beyond the sexual ones that he didn't bother hiding from us. It hurt to have this thought just now. Hell! Who was I kidding? I was going to die. Zevran had been wise to keep his feelings in check for people who were so freaking doomed.

I had to get in there and do the deed before Alistair and Loghain... _Oh crap!_ Loghain punched Alistair. I needed to act fast before they couldn't forgive one another. After all, they would soon be related by marriage. I turned away from Zevran, my jaw set grimly. I sliced open my hand again and drew on my blood magic powers the improved Joining potion had given me. I ran as fast as I could to Urthemiel, concentrating on just how much I hated the fucking bastard. As I approached him I dropped to my knees and held the sword up, skidding under him, slicing through his throat and down his middle as my momentum on drool and blood slicked tiles carried me. Dragon entrails fell out of the wound and I only just missed being buried in several hundred pounds of tainted intestines. I rolled to the side, just barely getting squished as the dragon carcass dropped.

"That's it then," I said, standing up and looking around. I wondered when my ass would be exploded. Maybe there was still brain activity. It might be a few minutes. I looked over at my companions. Alistair and Loghain had stopped fighting and were looking at me. Leliana and Wynne were clutching each other in terror. Zevran just watched me, his face unreadable. Morrigan was... looking pleased?

Then a brilliant white light came up from around the archdemon's head. It shot into the air like an argent column, miles tall. Then it seemed to make a u-turn and came down on the location where I was standing. "Beam me up, Scotty!" I shouted when I saw I was standing in the column.

Then came the assault. The soul of the old god tried to get a footing in my mind. I fought him. _Get out, you stale old fart. This world has moved on_. _They've got newer gods now. You are an outdated model. A retro-god. A rusted out Dodge Dart. A has-been. You're all washed up. You've got no place here, Urthemiel! Go to hell! Or... wherever._

_'Ah, I see I'll get to take you after all, even if it wasn't quite how I had imagined it. This will do. I prefer being male, but you are a lovely specimen, Lucy. They will worship us. Now, be a good girl and get out of my mind.'_

"Your mind? This is MY MIND! I rightfully stole it." I screamed, or I think I did, I wasn't sure exactly what was going on in the world outside of my brain. Urthemiel was assaulting me, trying to push me out of Elissa's mind and take over. He had grabbed control of some of her/my bodily functions. He shut my eyes, and I thought I was blinded. I still had control over my voice and limbs. "Get the fuck out!" I pushed against his presence in my mind and I could feel him edging out. I reached up to my neck, blindly groping for the lyrium necklace. I found it and drew on it with everything I had. I flung the door to the Fade open wide. The power pulsed within me. I began to feel manic.

"_Oh?" _I could feel Urthemiel's puzzlement over the sudden surge of power. _"This is... unexpected."_

"That's right, you pestilent iguana!"I pushed again and felt him losing his grip on my psyche. My eyelids came back under my control and I opened my eyes and saw the brilliant column of white was growing more intense. I shut my eyes quickly; the light was burning my retinas.

I wasn't sure what to do. I thought I could push Urthemiel out of my mind, but if I did wouldn't he just seek another target? Perhaps find a darkspawn? But if I let him take control of me, would he truly be destroyed? It didn't seem like he would be. I decided to try to fight him through imagery. I visualized grabbing the human form of Urthemiel by the throat and battering his head against a wall. I punched him over and over in the solar plexus.

"_STOP! STOP!" _He screamed.

"Never!"I fought like a demon battling over Elissa's brain, neuron by neuron. I had it! Just a little further. I backed up and delivered a running two-footed kick to his head. My image of him staggered and he fell to his knees.

He began to dematerialize, screaming as he did so. Then his expression changed. "_Ah! There we go. This will do nicely." _His voice sounded pleased, relieved even, and that worried me.

Then he was gone. I had no opportunity to ponder his last words because suddenly there was a terrible explosion, and _I _was ground zero. I felt air rushing past my body and a wall hit me.

With the last of my fading consciousness, I realized that actually I had hit the wall.

So there it was. My ass had been asploded and now it was time to die.

"Rosebud," I whispered. Then, just like in the movies, it faded to black.

~o~o~o~

**_Notes: _**_Super-ultra thanks to Biff McLaughlin for all the corrections to my grammar and to Zevgirl for her read-through and comments._

_Thanks everyone for the reviews! I write for you and I do love hearing from you. I especially enjoyed hearing what you thought would happen next. Some people got it right. :) There are some plot twists coming that, like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects!_


	61. Le Apres Vie

_**Advice: **__Eye sap might leak. Have absorbent material at hand, just in case!_

**Le Après Vie**

_Danny was dressed in what I can only describe as California casual. The expensive, tight-fitting blue jeans, expensive casual shirt and a casual but pricey blazer thrown over it. With several days of scruff on his face he looked delectable. He wore his hair bundled back in a short pony tail, fitting for a hip entrepreneur._

_We were in... Napa Valley, I think, sitting in the courtyard of a restaurant I'd never been to, but had heard about: 'The French Laundry'. I think it had been named the best restaurant in the world at some point. _

_Weird._

_Very weird._

"_Lucy, where are we?" he asked. He fidgeted with his clothes, buttoning his shirt all the way to the top and his blazer too._

"_No, you leave them open." I unbuttoned them again so they looked right. "Those are blue jeans. Aren't they great?"_

_He looked down at his legs. "They're nice. Now... where are we?"_

"_Good question. I think there are two answers." I glanced at the sign and pointed to it. "'The French Laundry'. It's an amazing restaurant, really, really hard to get reservations. Extremely expensive. It is located in Napa Valley where I come from." I paused to let it sink in. "This isn't Thedas."_

"_Your world?" he looked around, soaking in all the oddities he had never seen before. "Everything is so perfect here." He picked up a glass and examined it, then a fork._

_I nodded. "Yes, things aren't handmade much any longer. They're made by machines so they can be nearly perfectly identical." _

_He looked at me, squinting into the setting sun. "You look beautiful, Lucy. Your dress though, shouldn't there be more of it?" _

_I looked down. My dress was bright red, off the shoulder and had a cute, flaring skirt that ended well above the knees. A stray breeze would totally Marilyn Monroe-ify me. The strappy black sandals made my legs look incredibly long. As if it could hear my thoughts, a strong breeze lifted a fold of my skirt and I had to hold it in place. _

_I noticed Danny's uncomfortable squinting at the sun and I pulled sunglasses out of his shirt pocket and put them on him. "Better?"_

_His hand went up to his face and he felt them. "Yes... but..."_

_I cut him off before we got off on another tangent. "Danny, I think this is the Fade."_

_A waiter came over and brought us drinks. Mine was some sort of martini. I took a sip. Lemon. His looked like hard liquor of some sort. He took a sip and his face lit up with ecstasy. "Wow, this is the best whiskey I've ever tasted."_

_I smiled at him and pushed my martini over to him to sample. _

"_Amazing!" He looked at me in wonder. "You came to us from paradise. How could you stand Ferelden after living in a place like this?" He picked up the fork and marveled at it again._

_I pulled my chair over next to his and put my hand on his. "I think we're dead, my love. This might be the afterlife. Or perhaps I should call it le après vie."_

_He picked up my hand and kissed it. Our eyes locked and I wondered if mine smoldered as much as his did. "I thought as much. I didn't think I would survive that fall." He smiled. "Did it help at all?"_

_I leaned over and kissed him leisurely. "You saved Ferelden, Danny. I dealt the killing blow to the archdemon. I guess it killed me." I was surprisingly all right with that fact. All those months I spent agonizing over death, to what purpose? This was rather nice. No, it was better than rather nice. It was fantastic!_

_He frowned at me. "Why didn't you let Loghain do it?"_

_I shook my head. "I always knew I'd die doing this. It was my destiny." I took a long sip on the lemon martini and sighed happily. "I think you should kiss me now. Then I'll be perfectly happy." _

_Riordan smiled. Little lines made parentheses around his mouth. I loved his parentheses. I was happy to have them still. Somehow, even behind his sunglasses, I knew his eyes were smiling too. He leaned over and his hand slipped behind my head, through my perfect rust red ringlets. (Apparently I'd been to the Fade salon before coming to the Fade five-star restaurant). His hand curved over the back of my head and our lips met in a sublime kiss. I tasted the whiskey he had just sipped and I slipped my tongue into his mouth and swirled it around his. He let out the tiniest hum of pleasure and I just had to drop my hand to his thigh and stroke it through those expensive jeans._

"_Ahem," someone coughed behind us._

_I broke away from the kiss and wondered if I was as flushed as I felt. If this had been any other restaurant I would have suggested we skip eating._

"_I believe your tableau is ready." It was the restaurant's host who had sneaked up behind us and now he was speaking to us with what I suspected was a phony accent._

"_You're going to love this meal, darling," I said to Danny. I was actually quite thrilled to find that the afterlife included fine dining. _

_We both stood up and picked up our drinks, preparing to follow the host._

"_Oh, I am so sorry, madame, but I do not see your name on the reservation list." He officiously checked over a list he was carrying._

_I stopped in my tracks and looked at Danny, feeling completely confused. "What? I'm dead. This is my Fade afterlife!" I quickly fell into the role of the outraged consumer. _

"_Madame, I am so sorry." He held his stupid list up so I could see my name was not on it. "Come, monsieur, you do not want to miss the amuse bouche. It is to die for!"_

_Danny turned to me. "This isn't your time yet, my love." He looked at me longingly and sadly. "Go, be with Zevran, he's going to need you."_

_I shook my head thinking about how Zevran had urged me on to my death. "No, I think Zevran doesn't need us. He kept himself at a distance from us. Not that I blame him for it. He knew we'd end up dead."_

_He shook his head. "You are wrong, my love. Perhaps one day you'll understand how wrong. Just know, he needs you. If he loses you too now... I don't think he could survive that."_

_I heard the host clearing his throat again, but we ignored him and we lost ourselves in another kiss. This one was so bitter-sweet. I was losing my Danny all over again. Tears were running down my face and Danny faded from my arms. "I love you," we both said, and then he was gone._

_~o~o~o~o~_

I awoke to a physical pain that was every bit as agonizing as the emotional pain I was feeling. I looked up at the red sky above me and saw Wynne and Zevran hovering anxiously over me. Tears were rolling down my face.

"Lucia!" Zevran grasped my hand and pulled it to his lips. "I thought..." His face was contorted with emotion. "To lose you, too… I could not bear it."

I looked at Zevran, completely confused by his behavior. Hadn't he urged me to kill the archdemon? He knew it would kill me, yet Danny had said that Zevran needed me. My head pounded. I could feel pressure building inside my skull.

Wynne scowled at Zevran. "Now is not the time, Zevran. We need to get her off this roof and to the healer's tent. Her wounds are too many and I'm out of mana. Can you carry her?"

Zevran nodded and put his arms under me and lifted.

I screamed at the pains that shot through my leg, my arm, my head. Wynne looked anxiously at me. "Sleep, Lucy." She cast a spell on me and I fell into the mercy of a magical sleep where I didn't dream of my lost love or experience pain.

_~o~o~o~_

The next time I awoke the physical pain was more bearable. I opened my eyes slowly and tried to resolve where I was: Loghain's bedroom. I felt very odd. My brain seemed to be misfiring. Tasmania.

"Good, you're awake." I heard Wynne's voice. "You need to drink this." She bustled over to me. "Wait." She put out a hand when I tried to sit up. "Zevran, need your help in here."

Zevran appeared in the doorway looking rumpled and exhausted. "Amore! How do you feel?"

"Green," I croaked. _Green? That didn't seem like the right word. _"Billowy." _Ballpoint!_

He helped me sit up and I leaned against him. Wynne handed me some sort of potion to drink. It smelled like elf root, but tasted like horse piss. "Rhubarb!"

Zevran handed me a large cup full of water which I drank down immediately afterward. "Don't gulp, dolce."

It was too late. My mouth was so dry. I chugged down the glass of water and then spewed it back up just as quickly, soaking Zevran in the process. I groaned and fell back into bed with a squeal of pain. "My pumpkin!"

"Careful, Lucy. You had a head injury. You're going to need to take it easy. We've done all the healing that can be done. Your body has to do the rest." Wynne shot a look at Zevran. "You should leave for a moment, I need to talk to Lucy."

Zevran smiled charmingly at Wynne. "No. I think not. I'm not leaving."

I squeezed Zevran's hand gently. "Zevran lodges." _Lodges? _"No!" I began to get frustrated. "Holiday!" I squeezed his hand harder.

"It's okay, amore. I know what you mean. You want me to stay?"

"Compelling!" I confirmed.

Wynne's eyebrow arched as his defiance irritated her. "Very well, I suppose this might involve you, after all." She sat on the bed and took my hand in hers. "Lucy, did you know you're expecting?"

Wynne had a head injury, too. That was all there was to it. I blinked and crossed my eyes at her. There were two Wynnes. I uncrossed them: One Wynne. I closed them: No Wynne.

"Lucy? Did you hear me?"

"You bankrupted your pumpkin, too." I giggled then moaned because my head was throbbing. "Drugs now?"

There was a pregnant pause. _Maker, the pun machine never stops! _

Zevran's hand started to feel a little sweaty in mine. "Amore? Is it possible?"

I turned my head to look at his face. "Opossum. Opposable thumbs. No... recourse... golf course." I growled with frustration. "No comma, no semicolon, of course!" I sighed. I couldn't get the right words to my mouth.

Wynne made an amused snort amused. "Dear, that spell I taught you just makes your courses go away, it doesn't change your fertility. I'm sure I told you that."

I crossed my eyes again: Two Wynnes. One Wynne. No Wynne. "I'm infantile. Clean. Antiseptic. Wasteland."

"Barren?" Wynne provided helpfully.

I nodded.

"Mia cara, didn't you say that Avernus' potion seemed to reverse some of the effects of the Joining?" Zevran pointed out.

I squinted at Zevran. Then at Wynne. The day was brillig, it made my eyes hurt. Suddenly I sat bolt upright. "Fluctuating capacitor!" I yelled. Then I clapped my hands over my mouth. My head wobbled from sitting up so suddenly and I vomited again. I was overcome with a wave of pain so strong that I passed out.

_~o~o~o~_

When I awoke again it was dark. My head felt better, a little clearer than the last time. I kindled a mage light in the dark room. At least my magic still worked. Zevran was slumped down in a chair looking worse than the last time I saw him. _Poor guy. Why doesn't he get into bed with me? _Then I looked around the room and saw Liam sleeping on the floor. _Good doggy. Always looking out for his momma._ My eyes scanned the rest of the room and I saw Loghain in another chair. _Ah, that explains why Zevran isn't in bed with me._ _Well, at least one of them should get up here in bed with me._

"Liam!" I whispered. "Down dog up!" He jumped up obediently on the bed, seeming to know what I meant even though I couldn't express myself correctly. I kissed him on the head.

"Liam, Lucy cools her pumpkin now," I whispered to my dog. "Okay? No more pine trees, no eye sap, no quick eye wiggles, no more lost gone away. Divine?"

Liam snorted softly. It sounded like a _'yes' _to me.

I cast the sleep spell.

**Translations: **

_Cools her pumpkin:_ Goes to sleep.  
_No more pine trees:_ No more pining.

_Eye sap:_ Crying

_Quick eye wiggles:_ Dreaming (REM sleep)

_Lost gone away:_ Dreams of Danny

_Divine:_ Understand

_Bankrupted her pumpkin: _Broke her head

_Opossum_: Impossible

_Fluctuating Capacitor_: Fuck

~o~o~o~

A day came when I awoke without my head feeling like a tympani. It might have been the next day, or a week later, I wasn't sure. Liam was on the bed, Loghain was in one chair, Zevran in another. The daylight was streaming through a window. From what I could see, the sky was blue again. The birds were chirping. I couldn't smell fires or see ash falling.

I sat up in the bed and Liam awoke and gave a quiet 'woof'.

"Hi, Liam!" I greeted him. "Who's momma's good boy? Huh? Huh? Are you my good boy?" I said it quietly trying not to wake up the two sleeping men.

Liam was not so subtle. He squirmed and panted and woofed again and tried to lick my face. He made enough noise to wake Zevran.

"Cara?" Zevran called sleepily from his chair. "Are you feeling better?"

"I think so," I whispered. Then I carefully sat up. My head didn't swim and I didn't feel like vomiting again.

Zevran brought over some water and sat on the edge of the bed while I drank it, slowly this time. He looked at my eyes. "Your pupils are both the same size again. Even better, you're making sense again."

I handed back the glass and looked at him. My eyes filled with tears. "I saw him," I choked out the words. "In the Fade." I gripped Zevran's hand. "I think I was dead too, for awhile."

"It was a near thing, cara," he whispered. He leaned over and held me. "To almost lose you both..." his voice sounded choked.

"I'm not afraid now," I whispered. "The afterlife is rather nice. Danny looked really handsome. He was wearing jeans and we were at this restaurant in Napa Valley. It's the best restaurant in the world. He liked the forks." I smiled through my tears. "I just... I miss him, Zev, but he's there waiting for us."

Zevran clutched me tightly. "We'll get through this together, yes?" His voice sounded pinched, like he was holding back great grief.

I had never seen such an emotional display from Zevran. "Yes." I clung to him, squeezing him tightly. He was my closest connection to Danny now. And... he was Zevran. Zevran who always seemed to bring me back from despair, who somehow always had a way of looking at things, or escaping from things, that kept me going. "We will get through this," I agreed.

Loghain stirred and woke up. "You're awake? Wynne said you had a head injury and you should sleep as much as possible."

I pulled away from Zevran and dried my eyes. "I think I'm better. My head isn't thumping any longer and I don't feel so nauseated." I looked at Loghain. "I take it we won?"

"We did." He glowered at me. "Although I have a bone to pick with you over killing the archdemon, but we'll discuss that later."

"What happened after... everything exploded? I don't remember much, just a lot of pain."

Loghain nodded. "After the archdemon died the horde became completely disorganized and we decimated them. The rest of them fled."

"Did they ever break through the gates?" I asked.

"No," Loghain replied. "It was a close thing, but they never set foot in the city, other than the archdemon."

"Wow. That's better than I had hoped for," I said. "How long was I out?"

Loghain rubbed his chin. "Well... the archdemon died two weeks ago tomorrow. You don't remember anything since then?"

I shook my head. "A little bit, here and there. Not everything makes sense. I just keep waking up here and going back to sleep."

"Not entirely, amore. You've been up and around a few times. Then you'd collapse and forget everything. Wynne says it's the injury to your brain." Zevran's voice was gentle, like someone delivering very bad news.

"Amnesia." I pondered the news, wondering if my brain was permanently injured. "You said my pupils were of unequal size?"

Zevran nodded. "Yes, they seem normal now, though."

"Did Wynne say something about..." I pointed at my belly. "Or was that a hallucination?"

"That was no dream, cara."

I blinked again, taking it all in. "She isn't insane, is she? Did she have a brain injury too?"

Zevran smiled and shook his head. "No more so than before." He leaned over and whispered to me. "Do you want a moment to tell Loghain about... the bambino?"

I nodded. "I suppose so." I clutched the bedclothes and twisted my hands into them.

"Well," Zevran kissed me on the forehead. "I will leave you two to talk. I'm going to find a place to take a bath if it kills me... or someone else."

A part of me began to panic when he left. He was my rock and I so desperately needed one with Danny... I didn't want to complete the thought.

Loghain got out of his chair and sat beside me. He looked a little awkward, having seen how close Zevran and I were. "I'm sorry about... Danny. What he did was incredibly brave. He saved you and the country, maybe even all of Thedas."

I sniffed back some tears and nodded. "He was such a brave idiot. I was always afraid he would do something like that."

"I have to admit I was envious of him, but I can understand why you loved him."

I smiled and nodded, but I knew Loghain had no clue why I loved Danny. It was because he understood me so well. It was because of the shared taint, our shared destiny, and it was because of the Warden call that first pulled me to him. I was an iron filing and he was a magnet.

I reached out and grabbed Loghain's hand. "I have to tell you something." I looked at him directly, wondering how he would react.

His brows furrowed. "All right. Let's hear it."

"Remember how I told you Grey Wardens are infertile?"

"Yeeeees," he said cautiously, eyeing me with suspicion.

"Turns out Avernus' improved Joining potion kind of negates that." I giggled. "Oops! I was wrong."

Loghain's mouth hung open a moment then snapped shut. He blinked twice, slowly. "And?"

"Wynne says I have a passenger." Wow, it felt weird to admit to that.

"A passenger?"

"I'm pregnant, expecting, in the family way, a bun in the oven, gestating, gravid..."

He went pale. "I get it! I suppose I'm a possible father?"

I nodded. "Yup. You might be the sperm donor and Elissa Cousland is the egg donor and I am..."

Wow! It hit me that I, Lucy Woodridge, would have no real biological connection to the child I was carrying. That was completely freaky. This body wasn't mine. It didn't have a single snippet of the DNA I had. The only thing that was me was something that I could only describe as my consciousness. Something that existed within the brain, I guess, but the brain wasn't mine either. It was simply too strange to think about, so I didn't.

"But you don't know?" he said. "It could be that elf's or maybe Riordan's?"

"That elf has a name, you know. Maybe we'll know more after it's born, but they can't do DNA tests here yet." I saw his expression cloud when I said DNA. "Uh, something in my world that determines paternity."

"It's a bit of a shock, Lucy. I'm rather old to be a father again."

I patted his hand. "Look, Loghain. I know we've had our ups and downs. I'm not expecting anything from you, I just thought you should know. I'm sure the sprout and I will do fine on our own, but if you want to be a part of our lives well... a child can't ever have too many loving adults to look after it."

Loghain looked thoughtful for a moment. "This child might be the heir to the throne someday."

I laughed. Then I laughed even harder. "Hm, oh really?"

"What's so funny?" he demanded.

"Nothing. It must be the injury." I rubbed at my head. It _was_ funny. What if the child's father was Zevran, or Danny? I supposed Loghain's thought was the child might be related to Anora, but there was only a one in three chance of that. In the game of Russian roulette sex we had played, I hoped it had been Danny's gun that shot me, so to speak. Even funnier, apparently Loghain still had no idea Anora was preggers. That secret I couldn't reveal, that was up to the child's parents.

"We should get married. The child will need to be properly acknowledged. Anora could adopt it if you don't want to keep it."

I smiled again. "I never got around to reproducing in my prior life, I won't be so cavalier about it this time. I intend to raise this child. As far as marrying you, you know I can't. If I'm going to continue to be Elissa Cousland then I need to keep a low profile and I don't see that happening if I'm your wife. If I'm outed as to who I really am... then I might need to flee the country."

He caressed my cheek. "I will be anything you need me to be, Lucy: Husband, friend, father to your child, lover. I think I told you how I felt before. It hasn't changed for me."

There was a question hanging in the air. Had it changed for me? "I can't leave Zevran. We had a... unique relationship, the three of us. I don't know how that will change now, or if it will. I just know that he and I are still somehow connected to Danny through each other. I can't sever that."

Loghain nodded. "I can't be a part of that. I'm too selfish to share you."

"Or just too normal." I smiled at him.

"For what it's worth, I would like to think of this child as mine." Loghain leaned over me and kissed me softly. "If it ends up having blond hair and pointy ears, I might have to revisit that notion."

I laughed. "You know, you and Danny looked rather alike. It might be impossible to tell which of you two was the father. Then again, the child might look like me." I laughed harder. "Wouldn't that be a pisser?"

~o~o~o~

I moved back to the Warden compound that day. It felt good to be back in my room and to have Zevran there with me. However, there was a large gap in the bed that reflected the gap in my heart. It was hard, really hard, to climb back into that big bed and know he wasn't coming back to it. I left the spot he always slept in open. Zevran didn't mind being a bit crowded still. Maybe when I slept I might dream there was a warm body in that empty place.

All my companions welcomed me back with one notable exception: Morrigan.

"She disappeared after the archdemon died," Alistair said. "Good riddance, I say! I guess she didn't care enough to stick around and see if you recovered or not."

That hurt. Morrigan and I had been close. We were the rebel mages of the group; the anti-establishment contingent. I owed her so much for everything she taught me. As far as I knew, we were the only mages who could shape-change. I had wished to learn more from her, but such is life.

Zevran shrugged. "Perhaps she had other, pressing matters to attend to."

Alistair rubbed at his head. "Why did you do it, Lucy? I was going to do it. Or Loghain was, we were still working that out."

I laughed. "Working it out, right!" I went serious then. "I knew from the first moment Danny told us that this was why Flemeth brought me here. I didn't want to admit it, but I'm sure I was right. You have reasons you should not have done it, Loghain as well. I was the expendable one." I smiled at him again. "And I didn't die!"

"How did you survive, Lucy? Was Riordan wrong about a Grey Warden needing to die?" Alistair asked.

"Well, I don't know exactly. Urthemiel attacked me again after he died. He tried to kick me out of my... Elissa's... well, my brain. He got a foot hold in there and started to take control of my body. I managed to fight back and push him out, bit by bit. Then he just disappeared." My face must have reflected my puzzlement. "Maybe it has to do with me being from another world. I was just too freaky for him, or something."

"He disappeared?" Alistair asked.

"Yes, he said something like _'Oh, there we go!' _and, _poof, _he was gone." Alistair bringing it back up made me think about it again and it bothered me. I tried not to think about it because it reminded me of how I lost Danny that day, the terrible, horrible feeling of his life being extinguished, and the hole it left in my heart.

Sten had a few, almost polite, words for me but left us almost immediately. I wasn't sure exactly where he was going, but it wouldn't be back to his people since he didn't have his sword. I was happy to see him go. We just didn't get along at all and I certainly hadn't wanted him to go back to his people and give them intelligence on Ferelden. They seemed too warlike and far too fond of conquest. They also had a really weird, repressive religion that was especially awful to mages. No, I wanted his kind to stay far away from Ferelden.

Teagan came by to visit and told us how it had looked when the archdemon exploded... or I exploded. I'm not exactly sure how that had worked. Most people had been blinded by the bright light so details were sketchy.

"My lady, the tales of your exploits are quite something and growing daily. They say that you fought the archdemon in mid-air, slicing his wings to pieces as he flew around Denerim."

I groaned. "Oh please! Tell me you're joking. Riordan was the one responsible for disabling his wing. I was just being held in his claw... as a snack for later on or something." I didn't want to talk about the very personal relationship that had developed between Urthemiel and me. "Riordan is the hero. He's the one that gave his life to..." I had to break off, I still couldn't talk about it.

"But you did kill the archdemon," Teagan insisted. "I have heard that his soul assaulted you even after he died, but you fought him again and won. That was what caused the terrible explosion up there. People heard you screaming at him as he tried to take you over."

Teagan leaned in closer, his voice dropping low. "There are other reports too, Lucy, ones you should be aware of. Some are saying you used magic. They talk about how impossibly fast you moved. One minute you'd be standing in one spot and the next you'd be yards away."

"Uh oh," I groaned.

Teagan smiled and patted my hand. "You will prevail, my dear. You always do."

My visit with Teagan was cut short when I fell asleep mid-sentence. That was happening to me a lot. One of the annoying after effects of my brain injury.

~o~o~o~

I had missed the funeral pyre during the time I'd been too addled to leave Loghain's room. Danny's body had been cremated. Alistair and Loghain had both spoken eloquently of his bravery, I was told. Everyone was very sorry I had been too injured to attend, but I wasn't sorry at all. I wanted to think of Danny as he was alive. Seeing his corpse burnt would have marred those memories for me.

Alistair brought me some of his ashes and he kept some. He sent a third batch to Weisshaupt where he felt sure they would honor him with a monument. We put a fourth batch in the Warden Compound, in a jar on the mantle. Maybe someday we could commission a portrait of him or have a monument built.

Zevran and I decided to find a tattoo artist. We had his ashes mixed into the ink then we both had his name etched permanently into our skin, on our left breasts, near the heart.

When we settled into bed for the night I kindled a light and traced Riordan's name as it has been inked into his chest. He watched my face closely, playing with the ends of my curls. Neither of us had sought out pleasure since that night before the archdemon died. I wondered if perhaps Danny had been the catalyst between us. Perhaps without him we would drift apart.

"What are you thinking, amore?" He twined one of my auburn curls around a finger.

"I'm thinking about us." I ran a nail under Riordan's name. "Was Danny the glue between us? What are we without him?" I wondered whether I could get Zevran to talk about it.

"Hm," Zevran thought for a moment. "I remember a Crow assassin, he was one of the very best, he could move like a whirlwind. He could strike down a dozen opponents in the blink of an eye. One day he bit off a hangnail and it got infected. It turned septic quickly and he lost his hand before they could stop the infection."

"Was that the end of career?" I asked.

Zevran shook his head. "No, amore. He had a hand made with a blade that would spring out if he twisted it just so. He remained lightning fast. Then he had a special adapter made so he could mount a crossbow on the end of his arm. He became a genius at killing from a distance. Losing a part of himself made him a better assassin."

"He must have felt a terrible loss when he lost his hand."

"That he did, amore, but he adapted." He kissed the curl wrapped around his finger. "We two are such as he. We adapt. Look at everything you adapted to since you woke up in this land so impossibly far from your own."

I nodded. "Yes, I suppose so. How about you?"

"Ah, from the moment you spared my life I've been changing. I changed from the sort of man who would look for the first opportunity to betray someone just to return to Antiva and all the comforts of home, to a man who values other things beyond physical comforts."

I looked up at him. "Would you have betrayed us?"

"There was a time when I might have done that. But a very strange thing happened..." he trailed off, musingly.

"What happened?" I wondered about this confession. _He would have betrayed us?_

"There was a woman who turned into a beautiful Antivan Paso Fino, the finest I'd ever seen, and carried our baggage. I became curious so I decided to stay my hand. As time went on, I learned many things about this woman. She had many strange and intriguing ideas, like the idea that if I had had her opportunities I would have far surpassed her." Zevran turned me over onto my back. His eyes pinned mine. "Then I found out this strange, enigmatic woman was from another world and I realized she was the rarest thing in this world." He dipped down and laid a soft kiss on my lips. "That, mia cara, is worth adapting to." He traced his finger down my chest to my belly. "Besides, what sort of man would abandon his child?"

I sighed softly. The empty ache lessened a little. "I think Danny would want us to... you know... continue. Maybe..." I raised my eyes to the heavens. "Maybe, up in the Fade, he'll be watching."

He nodded and smiled. "Ah yes, Riordan did enjoy watching. He was something of a voyeur." His hand ran down my belly to my thigh as he watched me responding. "Come, dolce, let's provide Riordan with some amusement. He might be getting bored."

I smiled at Zevran and realized he was right. We would adapt. It wouldn't be easy, we were both suffering in our own ways, but we could do this together. I knew I would have to be careful. I could lose myself in this grief and take Zevran for granted. Then one day I might find he wasn't there any longer either. That first time making love without Riordan, it felt like we were flying in the missing man formation. I kept my eyes open and focused on Zevran. If I closed them it was too easy to imagine his hands were Danny's.

Eventually I lost myself in our lovemaking, but now and then I could have sworn I felt a second set of hands caressing my body.

_~o~o~o~_

**Notes: **_Thanks for the reviews! It's great to hear from my readers. I love it. More, more, more! _

_My thanks to Beta-Biff. If there's cruft in this chapter it is totally my fault. I made a lot of changes while she was beta-ing it. You should read her story. I hear another chapter is coming soon. Also my thanks to Zevgirl who gives me such great feedback._

_Sorry about all those cliff-hangers. I think we're off the cliffs now, at least for this chapter._


	62. Bombshells

**Bombshells**

I didn't stay in bed long. The Wardens were requested to see Queen Anora just as soon as I was well enough. I decided I would just deal with the fatigue and dizziness as it happened. Wynne remarked on how quickly I was healing. Grey Wardens did heal wonderfully well; good thing since we tend to take a lot of abuse, but she said this was even more remarkable. Head injuries were often permanent but mine was improving rapidly. Even so, I was tired and dizzy at times. I had a tendency to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Still, people were being very indulgent of my condition since we had just saved their asses. I intended to take full advantage.

Loghain and Alistair had overseen stripping the dragon of pretty much everything that could be salvaged. Urthemiel's scales, skin, bones and even his blood was property of the Grey Wardens now. I was musing over whether or not the intestines could be used for something like very large, tainted condoms for extremely gifted Grey Wardens. Perhaps they could be stretched into drum heads for tainted musical instruments only Grey Wardens could use. Lute strings? Since no one seemed to want to clean out the intestines, I let the idea go.

Zevran took a few smelly, slimy organs from him, too. He described some of the nasty poisons he thought he could make. He chased me around the room with the dragon's gallbladder one day. I shrieked as I fled from him, scrambling away from that horrible double fistful of Urthemiel's innards. Alistair crashed through the door with his sword drawn to find Zevran had cornered me, laughing as I yelled at him to "get that hideous digestive organ away from me". Alistair shook his head and refused to intervene on my behalf.

I would seek revenge one day when Zevran least expected it.

Loghain insisted I go around dressed in my armor so I looked the part of the Grey Warden warrior as opposed to wearing a gown, which some might insist was a mage's robe. I was getting a little tired of putting on the armor when there was no need for it. I really wanted a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Maybe the tee shirt would have some cheeky comment about the archdemon. Like: Grey Wardens 1, Archdemon 0 and a cartoonish picture of the dead archdemon with his tongue lolling out.

We had discussed it, the three of us remaining Wardens and Zevran, and it was decided that I would out myself to Anora. Now that the Blight was over and there were rumors about me, I might need her protection. There was also the matter of a post-Blight celebration that she wanted to discuss with us. I thought there might be another agenda item: Alistair and Anora's engagement and the reason behind its timing. I had dropped a hint to Alistair that he might want me to be there when they told Loghain.

"I have a wild card to play, Al. One that will pretty much stop Loghain from saying much of anything." That was all I said. I didn't tell Alistair my news, or anyone else for that matter.

_~o~o~o~_

I handled Danny's death by trying to keep myself busy. When I fell idle or had a few moments alone, that was when the tears came. Zevran reacted by becoming paranoid about my safety and the safety of "our" child. He rarely let me out of his sight. It was a little like having a secret service agent on duty constantly.

When we went to see Anora, Zevran refused to stay behind. If I was going, he was going, that was all there was to it. The news Teagan had brought about the rumors of me being a mage made him wary. Loghain sent the royal guard to escort us. This time it was an honor guard, not a prison detail. I wondered if Alistair had forgiven his future father-in-law for that incident. The guard was useful to hold back the crowds who were clamoring to get a look at us, but they made Zevran nervous.

The crowd followed us to the palace. I remembered how Danny had told us that in Orlais, when the Grey Wardens participated in parades, people threw their small clothes at them. Just as I had that thought, I saw a small, probably feminine, pair of linen underclothes sail through the air and nearly smack Loghain in the face. I had to smile. I didn't think Loghain would be without companionship very long. He went red with embarrassment as he stuffed the small clothes into a pocket.

I was assailed with flowers. People ran up to me and pressed them into my hands or showered me with petals. It was rather sweet. A child gave me a handful of figs, which Zevran immediately took from me. Ser Landry, the knight who had once challenged me to a duel, bowed as I passed and gave me a rose. After awhile my hands were too full to accept any more tokens so I smiled and thanked people as I passed.

We finally came to the palace and a servant took the gifts and flowers from me and promised to have them delivered to the compound. I thanked her and we went on to see Anora.

She and Alistair exchanged a significant look and I couldn't help but smile. I wondered when they would tell Loghain about their little surprise.

"Your Majesty," I said respectfully and bowed, my arms crossed over my chest in the military manner.

"Please Lucy, let's be informal." She sat up straight in her chair and looked at all of us, her father in particular. "First of all, I thank you all for your incredible bravery in facing the archdemon. From what little my father has chosen to tell me, I understand you were in very grave danger, Lucy, and that you were instrumental in luring the archdemon into range despite the peril to yourself."

I shook my head. "Anora, my bravery is nothing compared to Riordan's. He jumped on the back of the archdemon _as he was flying!_" I couldn't help the tears that sprang to my eyes. "Whatever he did was a thousand times more heroic than anything I did."

Anora smiled kindly at me. "I have heard this and that is why I am declaring you both Heroes of Ferelden."

I shook my head. "I don't deserve this title any more than your father or Alistair and certainly far less than Riordan."

She held up her hand. "Oh, but I think you do." She smiled sweetly at me. "My father assures me this would be a politically wise move. Additionally, I can already see how the people adore you, a young beautiful heroine whose family was so tragically decimated. I will also recognize Alistair, Loghain, and all the Grey Wardens of Ferelden now deceased, but this title is to be yours and, posthumously, Riordan's."

I sniffed and wiped at my nose. "Thank you, Anora. That's very kind... unnecessary, but kind."

Loghain shook his head. "None of that now, Lucy. You know better than anyone it is necessary, and why." He strode over to his daughter and put a hand on her shoulder. "There's a matter we haven't discussed before."

I bit my lip and said a little prayer to a lot of deities I didn't believe in.

"Lucy isn't precisely Elissa Cousland any longer," Loghain continued, cautiously.

Anora sat up in her chair and looked at me sharply. "What? How does someone stop being themselves?"

"I am in body, Elissa Cousland, but in mind... perhaps you might say, soul, I am not and haven't been since Ostagar. My memories, my self-awareness says I am a woman named Lucy Woodridge. I come from another place, very far away, a very different sort of civilization."

Anora looked at Loghain who nodded at her. Then she looked at Alistair who nodded as well. "That's not possible, is it?"

"I didn't believe it either, for quite some time. My consciousness was put into this body by a mage named Flemeth, one I think your father has some acquaintance with." I smiled at Loghain. "I think he can attest to her powers as a seer and a sorceress." Loghain had always denied everything she had predicted, but the Blight had obviously been an accurate one.

Loghain nodded reluctantly, a little scowl on his face. "Yes, well, in hindsight I suppose she got one thing right."

I ignored him and continued. "She brought me from my world to this world, my mind at least. She stuck poor Elissa's mind into my old body."

Loghain smirked at me. "And when she says old body, she means _old_ body. Lucy was a woman about my age."

Anora gawped. "This sounds positively demonic! How do you know she isn't possessed by some sort of...thing?"

Alistair chimed in. "That was what we Grey Wardens suspected when we first saw that something was wrong with Elissa. We had our mage test her. He could tell that she was not a demon and there was something very different about her. He said that everyone has the same kind of _signature _or _pattern_ in the Fade, but hers was strikingly different. It was a logical explanation, he said, that she was from somewhere else."

Anora was shocked into silence. Her mouth worked every now and then but nothing came out. She rubbed at her forehead and stared at me. "Why am I being told this only now?" She glared at her father and then Alistair. "Why am I the last to know?"

Loghain snorted. "You're hardly the last, Anora. Only a handful of people know, at least until the fight on Fort Drakon. Now, unfortunately, certain rumors are spreading."

She stared at me. "How is it my father knows?"

I smiled apologetically. "I knew we had to win him over so I decided to approach him directly with it."

"You kidnapped me if I recall correctly," Loghain said, an eyebrow raised at me archly.

"Well, technically, yes, but it worked out rather well, wouldn't you say?" I smiled at him and winked. "Anora, your father saw the sense in keeping this quiet when I explained everything. We needed the focus to stay on bringing the country together and fighting the Blight. Until that was done, we couldn't risk telling anyone else."

Anora looked a little peeved. "All right. I'll accept that explanation. But why? Why would Flemeth do this?"

Loghain looked at me with what I think might have been pride. "Because Flemeth said she _saw _that Lucy would succeed where Elissa would not. Apparently she got another prophecy right."

Anora stared at me. Her blue eyes reminded me of her father's: Diamond lasers, they cut through you. "So, what are the ramifications of this charade you've carried on through the Blight?"

I sighed. "People who knew Elissa, and other mages, can unravel this deception. Some mages can tell simply by touching me, others when they heal me."

Anora cocked her head and her brow furrowed. "What do you mean, _other _mages? Other than whom?"

I looked at Loghain and took a deep breath. "Other than me, I meant."

Anora's eyebrows arched. "Oh lovely, you're a mage too?"

I nodded.

"Damn right she is, Anora. Good thing too, her magic was very helpful in tracking the archdemon," Loghain said.

"I wasn't a mage until I came to this world. On my world there is no magic. Apparently magic is a property of the mind, or consciousness."

Anora looked like her head was hurting. She sighed and turned to glare at her father again. "Have you told her what they do to apostate mages?"

He nodded. "She thinks perhaps her position in the Grey Wardens protects her from that. Maybe her status as the Hero of Ferelden will also, as well as support from you and me."

Anora brightened a little. "Perhaps you're right. Although I swear it would have been easier if you were an elf mage, at least the elves would have reason to like you. Now you're not elven, human or even dwarven but a... What are you?"

I furrowed my brow. "I'm as human as you are. We look just the same on my world. I mean, we're not lizard people or anything."

I could see Anora thinking about it. "Well, that is something, I suppose."

"Lucy's people are very advanced, Anora. They have many conveniences and things we would enjoy here. They even have some sort of flying conveyances. Cars didn't you say they were? Flying cars?" Loghain looked at me expectantly.

"Flying cars?" I suppressed a giggle. "Not exactly. We have airplanes, which fly. We have cars, but they travel along roads. But the best thing is we have toilets, toilet paper, and running hot water. It's very nice."

Anora looked interested. "And you could bring these things to us?"

I shrugged. "Perhaps some of them. I certainly intend to look into the toilet situation right away. I think we could design an appropriate toilet." I pulled at the end of my braid, thinking hard. "The lack of manufacturing is a problem. If we want to bring technology to the masses, we're going to need it."

"Well, I suppose I can do no less than to offer my support and whatever protection my office has to offer." Anora sat up straight, seemingly having collected her thoughts after my stunning bombshell.

I made a little bow. "Thank you, your majesty. I promise to be a loyal citizen of Ferelden, just as Elissa would have been."

She nodded. "I expect you to be." She mused for a moment. "And I would like to see one of these toilets as soon as possible."

I made a little bow. "Of course!"

Then she cleared her throat and squirmed nervously in her chair. "Now, I have an announcement I need to make. Father, would you please sit down." She gestured for Alistair to come stand by her.

"Sit?" Loghain grumbled. "I'm fine standing."

"Father... Who's queen?" Anora said stubbornly.

Loghain sighed and went to a chair and sat.

Anora caught Alistair's hand in her own. "I have decided to remarry. Alistair and I are betrothed."

Loghain's mouth fell open.

I beamed at the pair. "My congratulations to you both!" I ran up to Alistair and hugged him. Then I hugged Anora. "I'm so happy for you!"

Loghain's mouth flapped a few times but nothing came out for a moment. "This is... unexpected." Then I could see his thoughts racing. His face grew red. He got up from his chair abruptly and it fell over with a crash. "Is there a reason for this rather precipitous and ill-considered engagement?" he growled.

Anora's hand fluttered over her stomach and a tiny smile lit her up. "It is _not _ill-considered, father. To answer your question, yes, there are factors that make this somewhat more urgent."

Loghain's red face got redder. He lurched in Alistair's direction, his hands balling into fists. "You sniveling bounder. You got my..."

"Loghain," I said quietly, "that's no way to speak to your future son-in-law."

He turned and glared at me. "Lucy, you told me this couldn't happen..."

I simply put a hand on my belly. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." One of the wonderful things about being from another place is that I could rip-off the really cool things other people had said and take credit for them. Loghain stopped in his tracks and looked like someone had doused him with cold water.

Zevran who had been very quiet during the whole audience finally spoke up. "Yes, and some people live in very transparent houses." His eyebrow arched and the look that passed between him and Loghain was very interesting, to say the least.

Everyone looked at Zevran but he smiled charmingly and became quiet again.

Loghain became quiet too. The anger drained out of his face. "So, there is to be an heir after all. A Theirin heir at that. I suppose that isn't entirely bad news."

Anora looked at me, then at her father. "Is there something I should know?"

Loghain looked at me and I looked at him. I wasn't sure I wanted to explain the complicated paternity of my child; I hoped he would think of something to say.

"Lucy is expecting too." He left it at that, leaving Anora to make whatever inferences she wished.

She gasped. "Really? I might have a brother or sister after all this time?" She smiled at me. "Well, this is a surprising, and a welcome coincidence. I'm sure our children will be great friends."

I nodded and smiled. I could see there were some advantages to not knowing exactly who the father was. My baby would have lots of doting relatives, including the queen.

"You'll be getting married, of course," she said, looking between us. I could see something flicker in her face, noting the distance between us.

I shook my head. "I think that would be unwise, especially considering I'm something of an oddity."

She frowned at that. "That does complicate matters. I think we could conceal the truth, but you might need to stay in Gwaren."

I shook my head. Hiding myself in some obscure corner of Ferelden when there was a whole world to explore, so many things to do, it was unthinkable. "I would prefer not to hide."

"Your baby will be illegitimate, you understand? That means that whatever titles your child might have they would probably not be able to inherit. Just ask Alistair how that has affected him." Anora's tone was almost scolding.

I nodded. "I understand, Anora, but in my world what you make of yourself is much more important than the advantages you were born with. Growing up in a nurturing environment with caring adults is far more important than titles."

Anora stared at me a moment. "You can't possibly know how strange it is to hear that sentiment coming from a Cousland, or at least someone who is supposed to be a Cousland. You're a very odd woman, Lucy. I want to hear more about this world you hail from someday." She looked around at us all. "Do we have all the surprising announcements out of the way now?"

I nodded and so did Loghain. Alistair nodded too.

"Good," she continued. "Then let's discuss the public celebration marking the ending of the Blight. You and Riordan will be acknowledged the Heroes of Ferelden and I will place you under the protection of the crown with a proclamation." She stood up and paced in a manner that reminded me of Loghain. "We will announce our engagement as well." She smiled at Alistair. "Under the circumstances, we should hasten the process. I think we will hold the celebration in two days."

_~o~o~o~_

Two days later we were once again escorted to the palace by a complement of royal guards. This time there were fifty or so of them. We were given horses to ride and we were paraded through the city. Loghain rode with us, since he was officially a Grey Warden. The flowers and small clothes were once again flying through the air. I seemed to have a few admirers of my own. Fortunately, they usually threw flowers at me and small clothes pelted Loghain and Alistair. Zevran was too busy scanning the crowd for assassins to notice how boldly some of the men were trying to attract my attention.

I waved to Ser Landry who threw me a rose. He placed a hand over his heart and closed his eyes. _What a flirt!_ Arl Teagan was standing in the crowd too, with his very pregnant wife. I waved to them. As I was waving and acknowledging the crowd I spied someone familiar in the crowd. _Rendon__ Howe? _I straightened up and looked again, but he was gone. Perhaps I was seeing things.

We made it to the palace without incident. Zevran stayed close to me, but his eyes were everywhere. I squeezed his hand surreptitiously, wishing he would relax and enjoy himself. He smiled briefly and went back to scanning the assembled nobles.

Anora made a pretty speech about the sacrifice and danger faced by the Grey Wardens and how we had saved the country from a terrible fate.

"There isn't reward enough in any kingdom to properly acknowledge the incredible success of a mere handful of Grey Wardens. A Blight dealt with in less than a year is an accomplishment that even an army of hundreds of Grey Wardens have not accomplished before.

"Sadly, one of them made the ultimate sacrifice. The Grey Warden known as Riordan bravely jumped on the back of the archdemon, as he was flying, and crippled his wings enough that the dragon could no longer fly. It was because of his bravery, and the bravery of the woman beside me, and the other Grey Wardens, that Denerim is relatively undamaged today."

The crowd went crazy. More small clothes and flowers were thrown. One pair of bloomers landed on a pike held by a royal guard. I had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing. If only Riordan were here to see this. That thought stopped the hilarity that threatened to bubble up.

Anora let the crowd cheer for awhile then held up her hand. "I want all of Ferelden to know that Elissa Cousland risked her life to lure the archdemon to the top of Fort Drakon and again when she struck that final blow to the archdemon. That she survived either of these things is a miracle."

She paused for dramatic effect and the crowd was silent. "I hereby give the title of Hero of Ferelden of the Fifth Blight to the Grey Warden Riordan and Warden Cousland for their exceptional bravery and leadership during the Blight!"

The crowd cheered madly and things flew through the air again. There were a few shouts of "Witch!" but a scuffle broke out in the crowd and whoever was shouting that was quickly silenced.

"This woman is under the protection of the crown. She is a national asset, as are all the Grey Wardens of Ferelden!"

More shouting and cheering and no shouts of "Witch" this time.

She also announced that the arling of Amaranthine would be given to the Grey Wardens to use as a base to recruit and train new Wardens. She gave me a large building in Denerim located conveniently near the river. I could build a water-wheel and manufacture something of interest to Fereldans. Alistair must have told her that I had been dreaming of doing something like that. I couldn't have been more pleased.

Anora also recognized each of the companions who had traveled with us, those who remained, anyway, and promised monetary reward to follow. She also gave medals to those in the allied armies who had stood out in the battle. To the Dalish she granted the lands around Ostagar.

Then she announced her engagement to Alistair and they set the date of the nuptials for a month hence. I suspected the crowd was wise to the reason for the haste, but they cheered lustily, perhaps even more so for the realization that things _were_ just a tad rushed. Alistair looked resplendent in his armor. He didn't wear Cailan's armor, which would have been creepy, but some other very shiny armor nonetheless. The way the morning sun hit him reminded me very much of that moment when Cailan had bid me farewell at his tent. Alistair had that same golden beauty. I was convinced that his and Anora's child would be exceptionally beautiful.

After the public ceremony was over we were escorted to the palace to make ready for the celebration that evening. I thought we had pretty much a whole day to burn getting ready but I was hauled away for a dress fitting and the torture that ladies in this world under went to look beautiful. Zevran tried to insist that he be with me during this process, but the women in charge of making me presentable refused him. I reassured him I would be fine and promised I'd be back as soon as possible. Meanwhile he settled into the room that had been assigned to me.

I got through the primping without passing out which was a good sign I was recovering. Then all I had to do was go back to my room and rest and eat until my dress was completed. My hair was up in a coiffured style with little rust colored ringlets dripping down here and there. I had on a little makeup, some rouge on my lips and cheeks. I just had a simple gown on until my dress was ready.

I walked into my room to find Zevran lying on the bed idly cleaning his fingernails with the point of his dagger. "Cara!" He sat up and stared at me as I came closer. "You look...good enough to eat." He pulled me down onto the bed and moved in for a kiss.

I sighed and held him away. "We'd better not muss up my makeup and my hair. Otherwise I'll have to go through that nonsense all over again and I don't think I could stand it."

Zevran looked disappointed but undeterred. "Very well, my Warden." A little smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "You do look like you could use a rest."

I nodded. My leg was a little sore where it had been broken when I was thrown by the explosion.

Zevran guided me to a comfortable chair and he sat on a foot stool and put my feet into his lap. "Was this your sore leg?" He pulled off my shoes and began to massage my left foot.

"Yeah, that was the one." His hands were wonderfully strong and he worked at my toes and my instep. "Oooh... that feels so good." I moaned.

"Hold that thought a moment, tesora." He got up and rummaged around and returned with a bottle of oil. He poured a little in his hands and rubbed them together and then returned to my foot. Then his hand slid to my ankle and my calf. He would find a tight muscle and work on it until it relaxed.

I leaned back into the chair and closed my eyes. He switched to the other leg. "Don't fall asleep on me yet, Lucia. Tell me what you are going to do with that building Anora gave you."

"I am going to build a toilet. A clean, non-smelly receptacle for Fereldans to do their business. Then I'll create a disposable product Fereldans can use to clean their bottoms after doing their business. We'll call it 'toilet paper'."

Zevran laughed as he massaged my calf. "You've been obsessed with this for as long as I've known you."

I nodded. "Well, it was one of the more difficult adjustments I had to make when I arrived here." I remembered the complete horror I experienced when it was explained to me. Truthfully I'd never really gotten over it. The smell of a chamber pot or a latrine was still enough to make my gorge rise. At least when we were on the road we could shit in the woods, like the proverbial bear.

"So how does this toilet keep from stinking?" he asked me. He pushed my dress to my thighs and started to work on them.

"A blast of water washes the _stuff_ into the sewer system and it goes away."

Zevran hummed and looked at me curiously. "So there needs to be a sewer system in place, yes? Does Denerim even have a sewer system? Where does the _stuff _end up? In the ocean?"

"Well, first in the waste treatment..." I sat up straight realizing there was a flaw in my cunning plan. I didn't even know if Denerim had a sewer system or how extensive it was. If it did, did I really want them dumping the untreated waste of thousands into the rivers, lakes and oceans? It suddenly sounded like a terrible idea. Actually, it probably ended up there anyway, but I wasn't fond of this idea.

"Cara! What is wrong?" he asked, reading the anguished look on my face correctly.

"I miscalculated. They probably don't have much in the way of sewers, or running water. Dammit all!" I tried to get up but Zevran pushed me back into the chair.

"Tch! Relax, mia cara. You can think about this another time. Right now, just sit back." His hands were kneading the knots out of my outer thighs and they were slipping up closer to my butt.

"Zev, what are you..." I started to say.

"Shush. I want you to leave everything in my hands right now, capisci? Forget about all your toilet troubles." He lifted my dress higher and his hands worked under my dress, searching for the tie that held my small clothes on, and he deftly untied it and pulled them off me.

I sighed happily, understanding the direction this was heading. "In your capable hands, yes," I echoed.

"And, perhaps, mouth," he added. He pulled on my legs so I slid down the chair and my butt rested on the edge. He pulled my legs apart and his fingers massaged the insides of my thighs, teasing me with strokes that ended just before where I wanted them to end. I squirmed under his touch. "Hold still, cara, you'll muss your hair."

I whimpered a little but gave myself over to his pacing.

His hands finally worked their way up to my pubis, to the little "landing strip" I'd left behind when I figured out how to burn away unwanted hair. It always made him chuckle when he saw it. He called it my "secret mustache". I closed my eyes and clenched the upholstered chair arms while he brought me to a peak twice.

I felt flushed and too warm as he pulled my skirts down and leaned over to kiss me. "You don't need rouge, mia cara, your cheeks are quite pink right now."

"After the party, mio caro, I promise to reciprocate." Admittedly, I was considering ruining the makeup and hair-do for some further gratification.

"I shall look forward to it, providing you're not too exhausted." He ran his hand over my stomach. "Our bambino needs mamma to be well rested and healthy. You were nearly killed a fortnight ago."

His comment reminded me again of Danny and my smile faded. Funny how the pain and sorrow ambushed me several times every day. Sometimes a stray comment did it, sometimes just remembering that day. I nearly died; Riordan actually did.

Zevran had quickly picked on the best way to divert me from this sadness. "Come, we are late for a meal. A pregnant Grey Warden..." he shook his head as if boggled by the notion, "you will bankrupt the country with your appetite."

I mustered a smile for him. Now that he mentioned it, I was rather peckish.

~o~o~o~

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the Hero of Ferelden, Lady Elissa Cousland and the Hero of the River Dane, First General of Ferelden, Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir." The major domo announced us to the assembled nobles, notables, and royalty assembled in honor of the end of the Blight.

The room burst into applause when Loghain and I made our entrance. We were the last to be introduced; all my other companions had gone ahead of us. It had all been carefully choreographed by people who cared about such things. I was dressed in an elaborate dark blue gown with silver trim and chains, very much the colors of the Grey Wardens. My hair was in a fancy sweep with little red ringlets falling down here and there. My breasts, which I could swear were already filling out, were pushed up into pleasing hillocks, thanks to a corset. Loghain was dressed in blue and silver too, and I suspected that Anora might have had some idea about making us look like a couple. Perhaps she wasn't ready to give up on the idea of us marrying.

Through the applause I heard murmurings that Loghain and I _were_ a couple and would certainly be announcing an engagement tonight. Others pooh-poohed the idea as ridiculous. I saw Zevran looking over the crowd and listening carefully to rumors.

As we walked down the staircase into the assembled nobility I was surrounded by people wanting to congratulate me, or ask me questions.

"_What was it like flying around Denerim on the back of a dragon?" _

"Actually, I was being held in his claws. It was rather exhilarating."

"_Why were you alone on the top of Fort Drakon?"_

"Turns out the archdemon has a thing for redheaded Grey Wardens. I was just trying to lure him to come within range of the ballistae."

"_People heard you talking to the archdemon after you killed him. What happened?"_

I smiled enigmatically. "Killing an old god is a complicated process. He wasn't really dead until after that explosion. These are Grey Warden secrets, so I'm afraid I can't comment further."

They looked at me with wonder at my last mysterious comment. The mystic appeal of the Grey Wardens just skyrocketed. I bet the small clothes would be really thick at the next parade as men and women thought they might try to pry our secrets out of us.

"_Warden Cousland some say you were using magic. Is that true?"_

Loghain held up a hand. "That's utter nonsense and quite enough questions for now." Loghain led me through the crowd, deftly deflecting further questions better than any defense attorney representing a client.

"Thanks," I murmured to him.

"You'd better get used to it. They're going to hound you with this nonsense for years."

I realized Loghain was speaking from experience; he was, after all, a hero himself. "I guess you'd know."

He led me to our companions and we chatted until supper was announced and we were ushered into a grand dining hall. We were all seated at the high table, with Alistair and Anora. I was seated between Zevran and Loghain and Zev kept his hand resting against my leg reassuringly. They were just beginning to serve dinner when a latecomer came through the door. He stood there for quite some time looking straight at me.

"It seems you have another admirer, cara," Zevran remarked. "A rather handsome one."

"Hmmm, yes, he is rather hot," I commented. "Does he look familiar to you?"

Zevran shook his head.

I leaned over to Loghain, trying not to stare at the hottie at the doorway. "Do you see the man by the door? Do you know who he is?"

Loghain looked at me then looked at the door. He stiffened suddenly. "Yes, I'd say so. That's your brother, Fergus."

"Shit!" I hissed. "Oh my god. What should I do?"

Loghain swore quietly. He leaned over to speak quietly to Anora.

I smiled at Fergus. I'm sure it looked completely phony. Here was the biggest test of my grand lie.

Anora stood up. "Teyrn Cousland? This is a surprise! We feared the worst. Please come up and join your sister."

The major domo whispered to Zevran to relocate him so that Fergus could sit next to me. I could see Zevran was about to object but I shook my head. "It'll be all right, Zev." It wasn't all right. I was panicking, but there was little he could do about it. At least Loghain would be on my other side.

As Fergus approached my mind whirled. _What do I do? Is Elissa Cousland a hugger? Does she do air kisses?_ I had no idea, so I just tried to pretend that Fergus was my own brother.

"Fergus!" I stood up and hugged him hard, kissing cheek. "I thought..." I paused for emotional impact. "I thought you were dead!"

He hugged me back with one arm. Not exactly the sort of bear-hug I would have expected from a sibling after a long, tragic absence. He returned my kiss with his lips barely grazing my cheek. "Elissa, my dear sister, you look remarkable, everything considered." He sat in the chair on my left side.

Well. Either the Couslands were the stoic non-demonstrative sort or Fergus had just greeted me rather coolly. How do you react to that? I sent a furtive look to Loghain. I hope he read the plea for help I was trying to give him with my eyebrows.

"Fergus. Good to see you survived Ostagar," Loghain said. "How did you manage that?"

Fergus shot a hostile look at Loghain. "I was injured and managed to find my way to the hut of a Chasind family who took me in. And there I idled for a year, too injured to make my way out of the wilds."

I looked at Fergus with sympathy. "Oh, Fergus. I'm so sorry. If I'd known, I would have come looking for you." That sounded reasonable. Obviously a sister would look for her lost brother if she had any hope of him being alive.

Loghain snorted. "You and Alistair didn't have time. Your duty was to raise the Grey Warden allies and tackle the Blight. You did what you were supposed to do."

Fergus looked at me like I'd sprouted a third eye. "Of course, Elissa, your duty to the Grey Wardens comes before family." The hostility was barely disguised with a friendly smile that didn't extend to his eyes.

I didn't know how to respond so I smiled. "Well, at least we have made it through and we can focus on... oh, better things, like rebuilding for the future." I was stumbling my way through what I thought sounded like positive, warm and sisterly things to say. Then I remembered his wife and child had died in the attack on their home. I clutched his hand. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to save them." My memory of what Duncan had told me was a little fuzzy. It had been a year or more since he told me what happened with the Cousland family.

Fergus and I talked a little more during dinner, but Loghain did a lot to keep him engaged and his attention off me. Alistair and Anora helped as well. I did mention to him that my memory had been damaged in the fight with the archdemon. He warmed up a little during dinner and after a few glasses of wine he was laughing more and he seemed almost friendly and happy. I was beginning to believe I might have pulled it off.

"You haven't even touched your wine, Elissa." Fergus pointed at my full wine glass. "When did you become a teetotaler? I remember you liked your spirits."

I nearly blurted out that pregnant women shouldn't drink and I realized a few things: One is that only a few people knew I was pregnant, the other is no one at this time would know about fetal alcohol syndrome. "Oh, since I had the head injury, I can't seem to tolerate spirits."

"You have changed, dearest sister, I hardly recognize you. You were always quite fond of wine." He smiled that smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Some might say 'too fond' but none would live to say it a second time. Ha!"

Oh great. So my body donor was a lush too? Or was this some sort of sibling rivalry? What if he expected some sort of barbed reply? My mind was whirling and my over analysis was paralyzing me. "And yet you lived somehow." I smiled back at him. "The Blight changed me, Fergus. I'm not the same person. I've...matured." _How's that for telling the truth obliquely?_

Loghain raised his glass to me. "It changed us all."

Fergus sent me a strange look and went back to eating. I somehow got through dinner, although it sat like a brick in my stomach.

After dinner there was dancing and mingling. I was surrounded by well-wishers and people curious about me. It was a relief after the uncomfortableness of being so near to the one who probably knew Elissa best. Fergus kept his distance but every time I looked at him he was watching me.

I was doing my best to entertain the small crowd that had formed around me. I was ripping off quotations from Mark Twain, Sun Tzu, Benjamin Franklin, and anyone else that every said anything notable on my world. I had people entranced with my observations on life when I heard someone say: "Remarkable such wisdom from such a very young woman."

Loghain jostled me with his elbow and murmured, "Act your age."

I was! However, point taken, I wasn't acting Elissa's age. I wasn't at all certain how twenty-year old women acted in Ferelden. I was musing on that when Fergus strode across the room and asked for a dance.

"Oh, I'd love to Fergus but my leg is still mending. Doctor's orders, no dancing until it is fully healed." Judging from the noblewomen dancing, dancing was a well-loved pastime and I simply had no idea how to dance their dances. Plus, I always had two left feet.

"Then let's go for a little walk in the garden, Lis. Is your leg good enough for that?" He looped my arm through his and started walking before I could even reply.

"Uh, sure. I can walk... some." I sent a panicked look at Zevran and hoped he would keep an eye on us.

It probably looked rather sweet to the casual observer - a brother and sister reunited after a terrible tragedy and an equally awful crisis, walking arm in arm to the garden. A less casual observer might notice the little beads of sweat forming on my brow, my overly bright smile and the little nervous twitch at the corner of my mouth. A particularly astute observer might have noticed the way Fergus' eyes looked hard and how his own smile never seemed to reach them. They might actually feel palpable waves of hostility emanating from him. They might also notice how he held my arm like he wanted to make sure I wouldn't pull away. They would certainly notice I was trying, subtly, to put distance between us.

Unfortunately it was very late summer and starting to get cold at night so there were no observers, casual or astute, in the garden. Just my so-called brother and me.

"A bit nippy out," I said, shivering not so much from the cold but the feeling in my gut that things were about to get nasty.

"Yes, a bit." He pulled me closer and wrapped an arm around me. His grip on my waist was just as firm as it had been on my arm. "Better?"

I swallowed. "Much."

We walked quickly; well, he did anyway, I had to walk quickly to keep from being dragged. He guided us to the edge of the garden, well away from the party, out of shouting distance. A stand of trees was nearby. It could be hiding assassins, or it could be a good place to hide a body temporarily.

"Well, little sister, they are saying the oddest things about you. You really don't remember anything before Ostagar?"

I shook my head. "Not much at all. What I do remember seems like it all happened to someone else." I trod carefully around the edges of the truth. "According to the healers I'm lucky I can even form a sentence, my head injury was that bad."

For a change a smile went all the way to Fergus' eyes. "Isn't that something?" His arm wrapped a little tighter around my waist. "Did the healers say anything about you recovering your lost memories?"

I shook my head. "They said it was very unlikely." I sighed. "I'm sorry, Fergus. I just remember so little, a bit about the day Howe attacked and just flashes of my trip to Ostagar."

Then, suddenly, I was slammed into the trunk of a tree and Fergus had a hand around my throat and the other was pressing something sharp into my ribs.

"Liar. You're not Elissa. I've been hearing things. You're a mage." He grabbed the fabric at my neckline and yanked the sleeve down my shoulder nearly baring my left breast. He stared first at the little birthmark high up on my arm, then at Riordan's name tattooed above my breast. He let go of me with a gasp.

I yanked my dress back into place and glared at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I hissed at him.

"You have her birthmark, but I know... _know..._you're not her." He pressed the blade into my side a little harder. "You talk nothing like her. I've heard the rumors of magic. Who are you, and what did you do with my sister?"

"I would drop that knife, Fergus," I said keeping my voice conversational. "The Antivan Crow behind you is a little on edge when it comes to my safety." I focused my eyes over his shoulder.

Fergus sneered at me. "Right, like I'm supposed to believe that." He pressed the knife against my ribs again, even harder now. "Talk. I don't have all night. What did you do with my sister?"

Okay, I tried. Zevran wasn't there unfortunately. I wasn't exactly sure where he was, but he wasn't behind Fergus. I didn't know how far Fergus was willing to take this at a party that was being held for us, but I wasn't willing to risk it. I gathered on the lyrium in my necklace and Fade-stepped behind him. I casually plucked the knife out of his hand and then knocked him over and sat on his chest, his own knife at his throat.

"Fergus," I said calmly when my Fade moment ended. "You need to listen to me. Your life depends on it, I'm afraid."

Fergus' dark eyes were wide open and he looked scared and quite angry. "They were right! You are a witch. What did you do with my sister?"

"Shush," I warned him. "I did nothing to your sister." I sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, very sorry, but you are right. I'm not your sister."

He struggled under me when I admitted it.

"Settle down! I don't want to hurt you, but you need to hear this."

He quieted down again.

"All right then. I'm not your sister, but this isn't my doing. I was brought to this world by a witch named Flemeth. Elissa and I changed bodies... sort of. She ended up in my world, in my body, and I ended up here."

Fergus' face was red with anger. "This is quite the tale!"

"Hush! Just listen." I was wondering what I could do to restrain him if he struggled again. I certainly wasn't going to hurt him. "It is true and a number of people can verify what I'm telling you. I'm not a demon, I'm a woman from another... place. The witch who brought me here is a seer and she foretold that I would end the Blight where Elissa would fail." I thought it might be useful to have some backup for my story so I sent out my Warden call.

"How am I supposed to believe such a thing! Where is Elissa now?" he demanded.

"Elissa is, unfortunately, dead." I waited for his reaction, sure he was going to kick up a fuss.

"Dead?" he asked. He seemed to relax a little. I detected more curiosity than alarm in that word.

"Yes. I'm very sorry. She was unable to cope with strangeness of my world and had an accident. I only know because Flemeth told me about it." I hoped he could read the sorrow in my eyes.

I looked up for a moment and saw the door to the banquet room open and three figures cross the lawn to us. It looked like Loghain, Alistair and Zevran. They had heard my call, of course.

"So if you're not Elissa..." he started.

"I'm not."

"Then you have no claim to Highever." He looked almost relieved. "Do you promise to not seek your inheritance?"

I looked at him, feeling very confused. "Inheritance? I thought you were the eldest. Didn't your parents leave it to you?"

He squinted at me as if trying to resolve the fact there was a stranger in his sister's body. "No. They named you...Elissa as their successor."

"Oh for crap's sake!" I swore. "I don't want your stupid Teyrnir. Grey Wardens can't take titles anyway." I pointed at the three men walking toward us and he turned his head to look. "None of those three men are going to be happy to know you pulled a knife on me, and one of them_ is_ an Antivan Crow. I think we should look for an amicable resolution to this. What do you say?"

He looked over at them and nodded at me. "All right. You can pretend to be my sister just so long as you never lay claim to Highever. And stay the fuck away from me! I don't know who or what you are but I hope I never lay eyes on you again!"

I nodded curtly and got up off Fergus just as the three men reached me. I felt a little woozy and nearly fell as I tried to stand. Zevran caught me with an arm and helped me rise.

"Trouble Warden?" Loghain asked.

I smiled at Fergus. "No. I think my brother and I have worked everything out. Just a small matter of succession that needed to be resolved. He didn't realize that Grey Wardens can't inherit titles. He also knows I'm not his sister." I thought it best to let Fergus realize that some very powerful people in the kingdom also knew where things stood.

Alistair smiled at Fergus and extended a hand. "Ah, well, except me. I'm going to be acquiring a title."

"Oh right! King. Or some sort of consort-y thing. I guess there are exceptions to the rule." I smiled at Alistair.

Loghain glared at Fergus. "It would be a serious mistake to make trouble over this, Fergus. Lucy is a hero to this country. She's nearly given her life several times over to deliver us from the darkspawn and that is how the people see her. You... you're just another boy lucky enough to have been born to noble parents. You can't win going up against her." He paused. "Or us."

Zevran smiled his scary Crow smile. "The Antivan Crows even have a personal interest in this woman, Teyrn Cousland. I'd suggest keeping that in mind and keeping your distance."

Fergus got to his feet and patted the dirt off his clothes. "I see," he said, calmly. "I won't trouble you further." He made a stiff little bow to me. "Warden, thank you for your service to Ferelden. If I can ever be of service..."

"Don't worry, I won't trouble you," I reassured him.

"I thank you for that, _sister_," he said with a little sneer. He walked back to the party leaving me with the men.

"Well, that went horribly," I remarked.

Zevran's eyes narrowed. "I could take care of this problem once and for all."

We all looked at one another. Fergus' knowledge was dangerous to all of us. No one immediately protested the idea. It even sounded reasonable and that frightened me. I never wanted to have to do again what I did to Eamon.

"No, Zev. Let's let it go. As much as I might come to regret this, I don't want to be responsible for an innocent man losing his life because he knows my secret."

Zevran shook his head and sighed. Alistair looked relieved. Loghain looked thoughtful.

So Fergus walked out of my life and I wondered if perhaps I had made a huge mistake.

~o~o~o~

_I dreamed of a man shitting in a field and a cow eating the man's excrement. The cow grew larger and the man killed the cow and ate him. Then he shit again and another cow came to eat his poop. The strange scene played out over and over. _

I woke up with the weird dream in my mind. Suddenly I had my answer. The man shitting caused the pasture to grow. The cow ate the grass, and then the man ate the cow and shat again. It was a perfect cycle. Shit to high quality protein! Just add rain and sunshine.

I sat bolt upright. "Composting toilets!" I exclaimed as the answer to the lack of sewer system and my desire to avoid polluting water popped into my brain.

Zevran sat bolt upright too, his eyes darting around the room. "Where?" he whispered. He drew the daggers out from under his pillow.

"It's all right, love. I just had a dream." I waited until Zevran put the daggers away, then I snuggled against him. "We're going to have toilets after all," I said quietly.

"That's nice, amore," he said sleepily. He was asleep seconds later.

~o~o~o~

Weeks passed and my invention was progressing. The composting toilet would revolutionize sanitation in Ferelden. I had engineered a strain of magically enhanced bacteria that eat human waste and turn it into rich soil. The liquid waste was evaporated quickly, thanks to a clever rune Sandal created, and that left behind nitrogen rich urea. The entire process was odorless and resulted in a rich compost. I had the mechanics of the composting figured out; I just needed to make an actual toilet.

Fortunately I was able to talk to one of the dwarven engineers who helped on the ballista design before he left town. He agreed to take on my project. They had rather advanced sanitation in Orzammar; however, their toilets relied on sending the waste into a lava flow, something we had a dearth of in Denerim.

There was also Anora and Alistair's wedding and all the festivities related to that. I was dreading seeing Fergus again, but I needn't have worried. He kept his distance. The rumors were that we'd had a terrible fight and weren't talking any longer.

The wedding was lovely and all of Denerim celebrated. They certainly loved their monarchy and seeing the widowed queen remarried made everyone feel good. Not long after it was revealed that the queen was expecting and the celebrating started all over again.

Loghain started seeing a very attractive widow of one of his commanders. I still saw him frequently as I always invited to all the palace functions. Anora often invited me over to take tea with her and we became rather good friends. She loaned me her seamstress and I had some pregnancy clothes made, not that I needed them yet, although my tiny breasts were starting to get fuller. That made Zevran quite happy.

My companions drifted away after the wedding. Leliana went off to the Chantry looking to assist Brother Genitivi. Oghren joined the royal army and Alistair gave him a pretty good position as a commander. Wynne was serving as court mage and living in the palace. Pretty soon it was just Liam, Zevran, me and a couple of servants at the Warden compound.

Alistair told me he had written to Weisshaupt to tell them we'd defeated the archdemon. From time to time we discussed what should be done now. There was still only the three of us and Alistair and Loghain couldn't really function as Wardens, they had other duties. That left me and, well, I had no idea what to do. My heart wasn't really into Wardening. I'd done what I had been brought here to do. I'd been conscripted in the weirdest way possible. As far as I was concerned, I was done.

"We should probably find our own place to live, Zev," I commented between large bites of deer sausage and sweet potato. "I don't feel like we should stay here if we're not doing Warden-y things. We have plenty of money and my toilet is going to make us very wealthy."

Zevran played with his wine glass and looked at me. "Are you done with the Wardens then?"

I nodded. Food half-chewed, I swallowed. Let the stomach sort it out. "Yes. Someone else can deal with the darkspawn, I'm allergic. Besides, I'm pregnant."

"Still, you should keep up with your training, amore. It's not good to let the fighting skills get rusty. You never know when you're going to need them again," Zevran admonished me. He'd been pestering me to keep up with it. He dragged me away from the toilet laboratory, the building that Anora had given me, once a day for training. At least he wasn't as rough with me as he used to be.

"Maybe I should practice my archery more than close fighting. I can't imagine I'll be doing much close fighting when my belly is as big as the Bannorn."

"Pft! Archers get themselves dead." Zevran made a face at my idea. "'_We'll just stand here where it is safe and fire arrows'_. Pah! Who did you always kill first?"

"Magthes." I had just stuffed another hunk of sausage in my mouth.

"And then?" he insisted.

"Arthers," I said around a large chunk of sausage.

Zevran smiled victoriously. "You see! It's a dangerous undertaking."

We argued about it more but eventually reached a compromise: I would continue to do my close fighting training but I'd also spend time on archery.

_~o~o~o~_

Three months from AD-Day and I was fully recovered from my head injuries and feeling quite good. I didn't have any morning sickness or other unpleasantness. Just an enormous appetite, well, more enormous than typical for me. The only other possible side-effect was my magic was getting harder to control. Little tiny spells would blossom into larger ones. I'd actually burned myself trying to remove my leg hair. It was very strange and rather disturbing. I redoubled my efforts to practice my control and it did seem to help. Still, it felt like I was constantly under the effect of lyrium.

Wynne was little help. She just reminded me that the Chantry would no doubt find me a dangerous abomination and warned me to keep a lid on it.

Zevran and I started to look for a new place to live in Denerim. We had found a nice house near Teagan's little estate and were getting ready to move when someone knocked loudly on the Warden compound door.

"I'll get it, hon." I ran down the stairs and beat the servant to the door. I thought it might be Alistair or Loghain; they were frequent visitors. I threw open the door with a big smile, ready to greet my friends.

"You are the Warden, Elissa Cousland, ya?"

I looked at the man with the impressive mustache and German accent and blinked. "Ya. I mean, yes." I wondered who he and his three companions were.

"I am Hans, Second Warden from Weisshaupt." He gave a short bow from the waist. "May we come in, Warden?"

I stood there a moment, my mouth gaping in surprise. _Weisshaupt? Second Warden?_ Two of these men were wearing mage robes. "Uh." My hands wearing sweating. "Uh." My face flushed. "Of course." My brain started to work again. "Please come in."

The jig was up.

_~o~o~o~_

**_Notes: _**_Finally! Sorry this took so long, I've been working... yeah, real work, the sort that pays._

_For those who have forgotten... I know it's been awhile since you read the chapter. Rendon Howe is dead. Lucy killed him in a duel in front of the Landsmeet. So who did she see in the crowd? Hmmm... who indeed?_

_Fergus is not the jovial, loving brother from the game. He is ruthlessly ambitious and resented Elissa very much. He's not at all sorry she's gone. Perhaps having dirt on the current Elissa Cousland is something he might exploit someday._

_My thanks for your reviews! Please do review. I will love you forever!_

_Thanks to Beta-Biff for the spiffy betaing as always! Read her stuff: Biff McLaughlin._

_The Alistair Royal Date story is done and coming soon!_


	63. When Worse Comes to Wurst

_**When Worse Comes to Wurst**_

I collected my wits and composed my face as I showed the four Anders Wardens into the compound. "Do you have accommodations? We have plenty of room if you'd like to stay here."

Hans bobbed his head at me. "Danke, Warden Elissa, that would be lovely. We'll have our bags sent here."

"Let me see to some refreshments, you've had a long trip. Make yourselves comfortable. I'll only be a moment." I escaped the room and ran into the kitchen. "Marta, we have visitors. Could you bring some food and drink?" Then I turned and ran upstairs to find Zevran. He was in the room we'd set aside for him to work on poisons.

"Amore? What is wrong?" He looked up and must have seen my concern on my face.

"Wardens from the Anderfels are here! There are two mages with them."

Zevran jumped up and followed me back downstairs. He touched my hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, cara, they wouldn't risk an international incident," he whispered.

"I hope you're right." I straightened my clothes and we walked into the living room together.

"Gentlemen, let me introduce Zevran Arainai. He was one of the companions who helped us defeat the archdemon." That introduction felt so hollow and impersonal to me. I wanted to say he's my partner, possibly the father of the baby I'm carrying, and the man who keeps me from falling apart.

Hans nodded at Zevran. "I shall introduce my companions now." He pointed at another man with an impressive mustache. "This is Warden Adler, historian and chronicler."

The man got up, extended his hand to me and I shook it. "Nice to meet you Warden Adler."

He nodded to me politely. "The pleasure is mine. I am here to write down all the details of the fifth Blight so that we're better informed for the next one."

"Ah, good. I could have used a user's guide really." I giggled nervously. "A dummies guide to the Blight would have been a big help."

Zevran nudged me in the ribs. I was sounding very strange, I knew it, but my nervousness had me blathering.

Adler shook Zevran's hand and sat down. Hans pointed to another man, one of the mages. "This is Warden Franz, he is First Mage of the Wardens."

Hans and Franz? I almost started giggling again. I wondered if they wanted to pump me up. Then Franz got up and crossed the room, sticking his hand out for a shake. I hesitated. Would he be one of those mages, like Wynne, that could tell immediately that something was off about me? I considered my options... I could pretend Adler had sprained my hand with his hearty shake. I could sneeze into my hand; that would deter almost anyone. I hesitated a moment and then grasped his hand and looked him in the eye. "A pleasure to meet you, Franz."

I watched him closely to see how he reacted. He just smiled pleasantly, shook Zevran's hand and sat down again. If he had detected my oddness he gave no indication of it.

"And this is Warden Gerwulf, another Warden mage." Hans indicated the other man in robes. I found it odd he had no specific title like all the others.

Gerwulf got up and crossed the room and extended his hand. It was too late to do anything but continue offering my hand. I took his hand and shook it. Gerwulf's other hand grasped mine in a two-handed shake. His eyes flashed a strange silver color and he looked startled. "Warden Elissa. I look forward to talking with you." He turned away from me and I heard him murmur. "Most interesting."

Marta chose that moment to bring in a pitcher of mulled wine followed by Arlene, the cook, bringing a tray of food.

"Ah, danke," Hans said warmly. "I confess that I was getting a little hungry."

I sat down in a loveseat and Zevran sat next to me. I put my hand on his leg and sent him a loving look. I wanted to make it clear to these Wardens that Zevran was more than an associate, just in case they thought to send him away.

Gerwulf kept staring at me. I knew, just knew, he'd figured out my secret. There really wasn't any use in trying to conceal it.

I squeezed Zevran's hand to work up my courage. "There's something I should probably tell you." I looked directly at Gerwulf. "Warden Gerwulf could probably tell you, I think."

Gerwulf nodded and causally picked up a sausage baked into a roll. "I'm curious how you came to occupy this body and where you come from? You're not from the Fade, I can tell that much."

He was so blasé about it, I was amazed. Hans, however, was not. He set down his mug of mulled wine with a clatter.

"Hersteller! Is this true, Gerwulf? Elissa Cousland is... What is she?" He looked at Gerwulf, then at me, then back to Gerwulf.

Franz looked at me speculatively. "We can't rule out that she isn't from the Fade until we've performed a thorough examination."

Gerwulf snorted and bit into his sausage roll. "Nonsense, Franz. I tell you this woman is not from the Fade."

Gerwulf and Franz began to argue and Adler got out a pad of paper and asked me for an inkwell and a quill. I gave him the one from the desk in the room. He started scribbling furiously while the two mages argued.

"Wardens. Wardens. Please..." Hans tried to reign in the combative mages. "You two can discuss this later." Hans pressed his fingers against his forehead. "This complicates matters some. You see, Warden Elissa... is that even your name?"

"No," I confessed. "My name is Lucy Woodridge."

"Then Warden Lucy..." he continued.

"Just Lucy is fine," I said.

"All right, Lucy. We came not only to chronicle this Blight but to deliver a promotion to you. You are to be the Warden-Commander in Ferelden. Were, rather. This revelation makes things a little more complex."

"No, it's okay. I'm ready to retire anyway. Zevran and I were just preparing to move to a nice house we found." I shrugged. "Sorry, but darkspawn make me sneeze and I'm quite sick of them."

Hans looked at Franz and back to me. "Alas, it is not that simple. A Warden takes an oath to perform a duty that cannot be forsworn."

I frowned. "I took no such oath. If Elissa did I can hardly be bound to some oath she swore."

The historian, Adler, stopped writing for a moment. "There was a case of mistaken identity in Warden history where the wrong person took a joining, it might serve as a precedent, Second Warden. It was judged that since the wrong person had taken the joining and survived that they were, in fact, a Warden. It was the taint in the body that determined the case. Unfortunately the person was not a warrior at all, but an accountant. He kept the Warden's books for twenty five years until his Calling."

"Did he go into the Deep Roads armed with a pen?" I asked.

Adler chuckled. "That was not documented." He mused a moment. "I believe you are the first non-demonic possession of a Grey Warden, unless you _are _a demon. Those are more usual. The remedy is death."

Zevran surged to his feet. "I think you have just worn out your welcome, Wardens." He wore a snarl on his face and looked ready to leap at anyone that moved.

I put out a hand to restrain Zevran but there was already a dagger in his hand. Where it came from, I had no idea; he wasn't wearing his weapons when he came down. "It's all right, Zevran. I'm not a demon. They'll figure it out."

Hans looked at Franz and lifted his eyebrow. Franz made a small gesture with his hand and a white glow surrounded Zevran. He stood perfectly still, the murderous look still in his eyes.

"You paralyzed him!" I touched Zevran and he didn't move.

"Ya," Hans said. "We will not harm him if you cooperate fully, but we must get to the bottom of this."

_Those bastards!_ They were holding Zevran hostage to get my cooperation. I could have stepped into the Fade and probably killed or disabled all three of them, but I feared if that happened I would have to flee and I'd always be looking over my shoulder for Grey Wardens. Besides, these men had no idea I was a mage... so far. It would probably be a simple matter for them to determine I wasn't a demon, just like it had been for Bendrick over a year ago.

"All right, if I have your word as Grey Wardens you won't harm my companion, I will cooperate." There was a difference between being cooperative and being completely forthcoming.

My cooperation involved settling the four Wardens into quarters. They put Zevran into a room and magically sealed the door and window so he couldn't escape. I wondered if they'd really be able to keep him in there.

"Lucy, we will start on your testing tomorrow," Hans said. "We need to take the rest of the day to prepare and rest. Unfortunately, I must ask that you be confined. Franz will take you to a room and place magical seals as he did on your companion's room."

I saw Gerwulf shake his head. "Waste of time," he muttered.

Franz shot Gerwulf a warning look. "Come, Lucy."

"Can I at least have some books to read? Some food?" I thought this sounded like a dreadfully dull time.

Hans nodded. "We'll send up your meals."

"Would you like to read an account of the fourth Blight, Lucy?" Adler held out a book for me.

I nodded. "Ah, yes. That sounds interesting." I took the book and preceded Franz up the stairs to the rooms. He cast some sort of force field on the window and then he cast another on the doorway. A pink barrier shimmered and I felt a static charge when I touched it, like a CRT when you first shut it off.

"Gute nacht, Lucy," he said.

"Good night, Warden Franz." I was determined to be polite and at least appear to be cooperative.

Franz shut the door and I was left alone with a book and my thoughts. I hoped Zevran was all right. I was certain he'd be frantically trying to get out of that room. I wished I could at least fly out my window and into his so I could reassure him. I settled down on the bed with the book and began to read about the fourth Blight. I quickly got bored and felt sleepy. Being pregnant seemed to make it very easy for me to nod off.

…

"Lucy?"

I awoke to find something weighty covering my face. Someone lifted the weight off and I realized I'd let the book fall on my face when I fell asleep. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "Warden Gerwulf. Sorry, I must have nodded off."

"Ya, that book is a little dry, I don't blame you. Please, call me Ger, everyone does." He pointed to a tray of food beside the bed. "I brought your dinner. I thought maybe we could talk a little."

The smells of sausages, fresh hot bread with a slab of butter melting on it, and an assortment of root vegetables, onions and garlic roasted in duck fat assaulted me. I groaned at the smells, realizing suddenly how hungry I was. "Maker, our cook is the best!" I sat up and put the tray on my lap.

Gerwulf smiled at me as he watched me tuck into my dinner. "Ya, your cook is very good. Those wurst are delicious. Grey Wardens should always have good cooks."

I snorted. "After a year on the road fighting darkspawn, I think we deserve some good meals!" The juices from the meat were sinking into the root vegetables and making it all just incredibly wonderful. I sighed contentedly. Somehow great food could make the worst situation better.

"Would you like some ale?" Gerwulf asked, pointing to the large mug.

"No thanks. I can't because..." I caught myself just before I was about to blurt out I was pregnant. "Because of my head injury. It makes me go right to sleep. Some water would be good, though."

He nodded. "I will have some brought up to you." He watched me eat for a minute. "Lucy, I know you're not a demon. I know all too well what a person possessed by a demon feels like and you're not one. Franz doesn't trust me – the man hates blood mages with a passion – so you're going to be subjected to a deep questioning." He sighed heavily. "Truthfully, it would have happened regardless. They want to know why you survived killing the archdemon, but now that they know you've possessed this other woman's body... they want to know more."

I shivered at his tone of voice; he sounded very regretful. "The other Grey Wardens just put me to sleep and did something to me. I think their mage went to the Fade to find the demon possessing Elissa. When he came back he said I wasn't a demon, and then they believed my story. You could ask Alistair! He was there for it when Bendrick, the mage, did it. Alistair is the king _and_ a Grey Warden!"

Gerwulf shook his head. "They'd never believe he wasn't under your sway, if you were a demon. Perhaps a desire demon."

I snorted. "Ha! Alistair and I never even... you know."

"It isn't always sex that desire demons promise. Sometimes it is power, or someone else's love. Alistair is now a king and married to the queen. People could argue that that was your hook into him."

I sighed. "I just can't win, can I? I could have a queen, a king, a general, a senior enchanter all vouch for me, but that just isn't enough, is it?"

Gerwulf looked at me sadly. "No, frau. They'll never believe you."

"All right. What is this deep questioning then?" It sounded like a Vulcan mind-probe.

He fidgeted slightly. "It's blood magic. You've heard of it, ya?"

"You're a blood mage? Well, sure. Everyone goes on about how evil it is." I shrugged. "What little I know of it didn't seem all that bad."

Gerwulf's mouth twisted with irony. "Not so bad for the most part. This, however, is what gives blood magic its bad name. You've heard of thralls?"

"Uh... no? Well, in the general sense, yes. Something tells me this is more specific."

He nodded. "Ya. A knowledgeable blood mage can make someone do their bidding. In this case, answer any question asked."

I swallowed. "I see. So if I have any secrets I should probably expect I'll be spilling them?"

Gerwulf nodded sorrowfully. "I am sorry, Lucy, but yes. I am also sorry that I will be the one doing this to you tomorrow."

I shut my eyes and tried to close out the panic weighing down on me. "And I'm to trust you'll only be asking me questions?"

"Yes, only questions. I promise." He picked up my hand and held it in a friendly manner. "I came to see you tonight to offer you some protection for your privacy, but it will require that you trust me."

Trust him, how could I? I didn't even know him. He could be playing good cop and letting Hans and Franz play bad cops. "What do I need to do?" I didn't see I had much of a choice.

"Tell me your secrets. If I decide they are no business of the Grey Wardens, I'll protect them when you become my thrall."

I felt pinpricks of sweat break out on my upper lip. "And if you decide they are Grey Warden business?"

"I will have to tell the Second Warden."

I rubbed at my forehead trying to calculate the risks, but there were too many unknowns. Would they stumbled onto my magical abilities? Would they discover my pregnancy? What about me murdering Arl Eamon? Would they even care?

"All right, Ger, I'll tell you everything."

~o~o~o~

They must have doctored something I ate or drank because I fell asleep in my clothes and slept until sometime the next morning. My wrists were bound with some sort of metallic manacle and I was tied to a chair. I felt empty, light-headed and drained of mana although I could still feel a faint sensation from my lyrium necklace as it lay against my chest.

"Wha?" I looked around groggily. All of the Anders Wardens were there. "I feel funny."

Gerwulf nodded at me. "Ya, the manacles are made of a metal that drains you of mana. You won't be able to cast magic."

Well, I guess Gerwulf didn't keep my magical abilities a secret. However, I could feel the lyrium necklace pulsing again my neck. Perhaps I could just draw on it and cast directly. I tried to draw on it and felt some of my wobbly wooziness leave. It was as if it were filling a leaking container with water. I felt better for awhile, but then the wobblies came back as my mana emptied again. Well, at least I knew I had some way of getting mana temporarily.

"I think we are ready to begin," Franz said. He handed a very sharp looking knife to Gerwulf.

I cringed into the back my chair thinking they were going to use it on me, but Gerwulf slashed his own palm and then I noticed the scars on the inside of his arm. He murmured something and let his bleeding hand drip on me. I tried to dodge the droplets but Hans held me still.

"That is never coming out, you know!" I said angrily as I watched it get absorbed into my tunic. As I watched I began to feel strange, a certain sort of detachment from everything around me. My chin drooped to my chest. All my desires, worries, hopes and dreams faded and instead I was filled with one thought: I wanted to please Gerwulf. Then it faded and another thought came into focus. _Is Zevran all right? _I fidgeted in my chair and raised my head. _Is the baby okay?_

Gerwulf grunted and murmured some more.

"What is wrong, Gerwulf?" Franz asked.

"She's not going under. I don't understand." He picked up the knife and sliced his other hand too.

My thoughts ceased again for a moment and my head lolled to the side. A few moments passed and once again other thoughts began to crowd into my mind. My head rose and the fog started to clear.

"Hersteller!" Gerwulf cursed. "This is unbelievable. Stop fighting me, Lucy."

"I'm not doing anything," I slurred. "Your kung fu is weak."

"Why isn't this working?" Hans demanded. "Does this even work on demons?"

"I'm not a demon, moron." I probably shouldn't have said that.

"I need more blood." Gerwulf picked up the knife again and came toward me. I struggled weakly against my restraints, but I was too listless to do much. He slashed at my right arm, then the other; blood poured down them.

"You're buying me a new tunic!" I protested.

Gerwulf muttered again and the swoon overtook me.

"I think she's under now." I heard Gerwulf say. "Lucy?"

"Yes?"

"What is it you wish for most?" he asked me.

"To please you." I could hear myself saying. At some level I could still think consciously and my words made me feel sick.

"I want you to answer the questions put to you by myself, the Second Warden, Warden Franz and Warden Adler. All right?" Gerwulf asked.

"Okay."

I was interrogated for hours. I answered every question with the absolute truth, except that any time they came close to anything about me being pregnant I was able to lie. Later on I figured out that Gerwulf had left me able to conceal that truth from them. Franz must have had no healing abilities to tell I was pregnant and Gerwulf must not have told them what I had confessed.

I could remember all the questions they asked me, and some in particular stood out.

"_Why didn't you die?"_

"_I__ don't know. I think because I'm not from this world. Perhaps the rules don't apply to me."_

"_Why don't you have any scars?"_

"_Good healers."_

"_What sort of magic can you do?"_

"_I'm a shape-changer and a battle mage. I can move very fast. I know a little healing and a bit of elemental magic as well."_

"_Tell us about what happened when the archdemon rose. We saw you talking to the archdemon in a dream."_

"_He tried to seduce me. He wanted me to be his bride, like Andraste was the bride of the Maker. It was how I lured him to the roof of Fort Drakon."_

Of course they asked me where I was from and whether or not I was a demon. They had me tell them everything about the Blight. The historian took copious notes and stopped me to ask more questions. They learned about the improved Joining formula and Soldier's Peak as well as how Loghain came to become a Warden too. There was much they didn't ask about because they didn't _know_ to ask.

They pried into my relationships with pretty much everyone. Warden Franz seemed to take particular delight in exploring the topic of my sexuality. He was prying into details that had absolutely nothing to do with the Blight when the Second Warden stopped him.

They laughed when I told them how Zevran had sold me to Arl Howe as a horse, and they enjoyed the tale of me kidnapping Loghain and the subsequent seduction. They looked misty-eyed when I described how Riordan died and my fury and sadness. I even told them about the composting toilets I was inventing and my desire to modernize some aspects of life in Thedas. Fortunately they didn't delve into the recipe for gunpowder which, oddly enough, I actually hold in my head.

As the day wore on the blood magic began to wear off and Gerwulf didn't bother to reapply it. They untied me from the chair and took the manacles off me.

"Did I pass then?" I asked.

The Second Warden nodded. "Ya. You're alive, aren't you?"

"Will you release Zevran now?" I asked.

They agreed, so I went upstairs with Franz, my tunic and pants covered in blood. "I better change first. He'll freak out if he sees this." I detoured into my room and Franz followed me in. "Pardon me, Franz." I pushed him out the door and closed it. _What a creep!_ I pulled a clean dress out of my closet and washed the blood off my face and arms. I also healed the cuts Gerwulf had made on my arms.

Franz released the spell on Zevran's door. "It's me, Zev," I called through the door, hoping he wasn't ready to attack the first person coming through. I turned to Franz. "You'd better go."

He shrugged and went back down to the first floor.

I opened the door and saw no one in the room. I took a step in and the door slammed shut behind me. Zevran, hidden by the door, grabbed me around the waist and pushed me against it. "Brasca! Are you all right?" He hugged me tightly and buried his face into my neck. "I was so worried, amore."

I hugged him back and stroked his hair. "It's okay, Zev. It's over. They just needed to make sure I wasn't a demon." I didn't tell him how frightened and murderously angry I was at the entire process. They could have listened to Gerwulf and avoided the whole thing. I also didn't tell him how Franz had pried into my sex life and now seemed to be trying to get lucky. _What a pig._

"Did they hurt you, tesora? Say the word and I will kill them all."

"Shush, Zev." I stroked his face and smiled at him. "I'm fine. It is over. We'll let them go their way and we'll go ours. I don't want to have to worry about Grey Wardens hunting us down, so we'll just let this pass. Okay?"

He took my hand that was stroking his face and kissed it. "As you wish, bella. When do they leave?"

I shrugged. "I don't know yet. Hopefully soon."

We went back to our room and he saw the pile of bloody clothes I had changed out of. "What is this?" He toed them; his expression murderous.

"It's okay, love." I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "They used blood magic to question me. It wasn't all my blood, some of that is Gerwulf's."

I could hear his teeth grind. "Cara, would they have killed you?"

"Shush, Zev. Let it go," I spoke soothingly. I said it as much for myself as I did for him. My own anger was boiling under the surface.

"Are you still a thrall of that blood mage?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, but that is impossible to prove, I suppose. They had a hard time making that magic stick to me. It seemed to fade off of me." I looked at the pile of blood soaked clothes. "They had to use extra blood to make it work."

Zevran washed up and changed clothes and we went downstairs to eat dinner with the Anders Wardens. The conversation was stilted and Zevran was throwing glares as if they were daggers. Hans and Franz were trying to convince me to take role of Warden-Commander in Ferelden.

"You must think of your future, Lucy." Hans stabbed at a schnitzel with his knife. "The Grey Wardens can only protect you if you are serving with us. Otherwise..."

"Ya, Lucy." Franz smiled at me unctuously. "If the Chantry should get wind of your magical abilities or a notion that you possess a young noble woman's body, I don't think it would go well for you. They aren't likely to figure out you're not a demon."

Zevran stood abruptly and plunged his eating knife into the table. "That sounded remarkably like a threat, Warden," he said, his voice ice-cold.

Hans shook his head. "Nein! The Wardens would not do such a thing to a fellow Warden."

I sighed. "What about a former Warden?" I put a hand on Zevran's thigh and gave him a pleading look. He took my meaning and pulled the knife out of the table and sat back down.

"Lucy, there is no such thing as a former Warden," Hans said.

We were going around in circles. "How about letting me have a leave of absence? The Blight took a lot out of me. I could use a lengthy rest." I needed time to finish incubating my baby, breast-feeding, and a good lengthy period of settling into being a mother before I returned to Wardening. Of course, I couldn't come out and say that, since it was my secret... well, mine and Gerwulf's.

Gerwulf turned to Hans. "Surely this isn't an unreasonable request, Second Warden. Didn't Franz take a sabbatical just a few years back?"

Hans nodded reluctantly. "How much time do you need, Lucy?"

"Ten years." I thought it was probably well out of the ballpark of what the Wardens would consider, but it served as an anchor for the negotiations.

Hans choked on his schnitzel. "Ten years? That's ridiculous. A year or two was what I was thinking."

I shrugged. "Let's split the difference. Five years. Let someone else serve as interim Warden-Commander and if there should be some sort of emergency, I can always step in."

The Second Warden mused on my proposal. His expression told me I had won. "Four years and it's a deal." He extended his hand to me and I shook it.

Crap. It looked like I would be stuck with the Grey Wardens. At least I had a four year reprieve. Oh what the hell, if I were in charge I would just delegate... a lot. How bad could it be?

I went to bed right after dinner and Zevran joined me right away. I lay with my head on his shoulder and sighed when he wrapped his arms around me.

"It's not all bad is it, amore?" Zevran played with my hair that was splayed over his chest. "You'll have time to have the baby, get your toilet factory running and just be a mother for awhile."

I turned to look up at him. "I suppose not. I think maybe I could just delegate a lot. I might end up being a rather negligent commander. But the Blight is over and the darkspawn are going away. I'm sure it'll be a piece of cake. The hardest decision I'll have to make is how many kegs of beer to order to keep my Wardens happy."

Zevran's chuckle rumbled in his chest.

I smiled to myself. My feelings for Zevran had grown in the last three months since the Blight. I still missed Danny, but it was a more distant pain now. Only one thing bothered me; we'd never really discussed the future. I guess it was a habit I'd gotten into with the Blight. I didn't look too far into the future because it was so damned scary, but I could do it now. It was still scary, but it was the everyday sort of scary that every human had to handle. I decided to test the waters.

"Zev... what should _we_ do?" I asked him.

"What do you mean, Lucia?"

"Us. Are you going to stay with me? We haven't ever really talked about it."

"I already told you I wouldn't abandon my child, and that goes for my baby's mother as well." He pulled a lock of my hair as if to jolt my memory.

His reply stung me in a way I was certain was due to crazy pregnancy hormones. _He's only with me because I'm a package with the baby_. I bit my lips, fighting back my tears. My exhaustion, crazy hormones, and the repressed emotions from being questioned by the Wardens caught up with me and I began to cry.

"Cara?" Zevran turned on his side, propped himself up on an elbow, and looked at me completely puzzled. "What is it?"

"You're only here because of the baby." I sob noisily and sniffed. "I'm just a weight anchoring you to one spot when you could be off... doing... _thiiiings_!"

I heard Zevran chuckle again. "You are a silly girl tonight, Lucia. I am exactly where I want to be. Well, almost." He nuzzled my neck. "There's only one place I'd rather be, but you need your sleep tonight, I think."

I stopped sobbing and clutched at Zevran fiercely. I couldn't imagine him leaving me now. Pregnant, an imposter, alone in a strange world, helpless, hopeless... How, all of a sudden, did it not count that I had an entire royal family for friends and allies, an adoring public that practically worshiped me, and many friends? I blamed the hormones.

"I love you, Zev." I started sobbing again.

"Ti amo, dolcezza," he said softly. "Go to sleep, ragazza. You need it."

I snuffled and sniffed and wiped my eyes. "All right. I'm okay. I'm okay." As quickly as that, I was okay. Stupid mood swings.

~o~o~o~

The Wardens stayed for another two weeks and it was a frustrating time. Zevran's temper nearly boiled over every day when someone would say anything even remotely objectionable. Franz followed me around like a stalker and stared at my breasts. That Zevran and I were a couple didn't deter him one bit. Adler, the historian, spent a lot of time talking to me and asking questions, taking copious notes. He made me promise to correspond with him so he would have as full an account of the Blight as possible. I actually liked Adler, and Gerwulf was a reasonable fellow as well. The other two could burn in hell.

When they departed they left a document that explained I was under the protection of the Grey Wardens and they knew of my '_strange circumstances and history'_. It also stated that I was, unequivocally, not a demon. I could use this document as protection should the Chantry ever get wind of my weirdness. I asked them if they thought this would actually work and the best assurance I got was a shrug.

After the Wardens left, Alistair and Loghain were both very angry when they heard what I had endured at their hands. I calmed them down. There was nothing to be done now that they were gone. I had my four years to enjoy and after that... we would just have to see.

Zevran and I decided not to move. I was, after all, still a Grey Warden and the compound was big and comfortable. Even better, we could live there for free and the servants were paid from the royal coffers.

I finally started to develop a bulge. Zevran seemed to worship my belly as it started to grow. He spent an extraordinary amount of time mumbling Antivan into my mid-section.

"I'm teaching our bambino Antivan," he told me.

"Well, why don't you teach me too? I studied Spanish in school and Italian is similar. I should pick it up quickly."

He agreed and we started, in bits and pieces, speaking Antivan.

_~o~o~o~_

I went back to work in my factory and we soon had our first prototype of a composting toilet. I had it moved to the Warden compound and we started using it immediately. Shortly after that, the Warden garden began to look more splendid and produced more vegetables.

As time passed we got word that Orlesian Wardens were coming to Ferelden to occupy the lands granted to us in Amaranthine and provide protection to the country. They came to Denerim first to meet the king and queen and we had to make room for them in the Warden compound. It was very odd to be called Commander, but I figured I should probably get used to it. I left all the actual commanding up to the acting commander. They didn't stay long in Denerim before they went to Amaranthine.

My stomach was really starting to become annoyingly large as I hit six months. Seriously, it wasn't _that _huge yet, it just felt that way. Still, Zevran kept at me to continue my training every day. I also continued my archery practice.

Zevran's insistence on my training was good. I'd be in good shape for childbirth. Certainly keeping those pushing muscles in good working order was a positive side-effect and, as Zevran liked to remind me, we weren't necessarily free of the Crows. He also reminded me that bandits and kidnappers were frequent in Ferelden. How often had we fought gangs of them during our time here? During the upheaval after the Blight it was even worse but there were a lot of troops still stationed in Denerim and that kept the violence to a minimum.

~o~o~o~

"Amata, did you swallow a watermelon?" Zevran stood behind me. I was in one of Alistair's big old shirts that I wore to sleep in; I'd long since grown out of Zevran's shirts. He wrapped his arms around me and ran his hands along my stomach.

I was standing in front of the mirror in our room making faces at my body. "I'm fat! I wonder what I'm going to look like in three more months."

Zevran's fingers began to unbutton the shirt. "Bellisima, tesora. Look at yourself." He finished the buttons and pulled the shirt off me. His arms wrapped around me again and his hands framed my belly. "Such sculpted softness." He growled in his chest and ran a hand down my side to my thigh. His other hand cupped my breast and his thumb rubbed gently against my nipples.

My nipples had become very sensitive with my pregnancy and I moaned at the sensation. It was erotic watching our reflection as he stroked me. I tipped my head back for a kiss and reached a hand behind me to rub against him. He put his mouth right next to my ear and began to whisper all the naughty, terrible things he would do to me.

"Promise?" My voice was husky with wanting.

"Everyone last one, mia dea. Until you beg me to stop." His tongue swept around the shell of my ear.

I turned in his arms and kissed him greedily, rubbing against him. He groaned softly and that kindled my desire even more. "Bed?" It was perhaps the silliest question I'd asked all day.

"Now."

We walked to the bed, ours lips still locked and I pushed him back on it. I quickly unbuttoned and unlaced him and he set about fulfilling his promises to me. We were so absorbed in each other we wouldn't have noticed a darkspawn invasion... or spies peering into the window. If there were any, they got an eyeful of free porn.

After we were both exhausted I settled into his arms with a happy sigh. For once everything was going our way. I was actually looking forward to the future. I imagined a sweet domestic scene with Zevran as a father, me as a mommy and our sweet baby who we spoiled horribly, yet to whom we somehow also provided superior parenting. Our child would be an athletic and intellectual prodigy. We often had pillow chats about what our child would do in their life. I hoped he or she would become a great civil rights leader and guide the country to democratic notions and equality. Zevran liked my idea and we agreed to raise our child with such ideals. Perhaps he would be the first freely elected president of Ferelden.

"Ti amo, bella," Zevran said one last time and kissed me on the forehead.

"Ti amo, bello." I snugged up to him and fell asleep with a smile on my face.

~o~o~o~

_**Note: **__This is the second to the last chapter. One last chapter coming soon. Aren't we at a nice place now? Lucy and Zevran are content, except for the occasional hormonal mood swing. The pregnancy is going well. A reasonable compromise has been reached with the Weisshaupt Wardens. Everything is just ducky!_

_I am planning a sequel. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with it yet, but the first chapter is begging to be written. You might want to put me on Author Alert so you'll be notified when the sequel is published._

_Thanks for the reviews, my friends! They keep me inspired to write. If you haven't reviewed before, maybe now would be a good time for feedback, what say you to that? _

_My sincerest thanks to Biff McLaughlin, who also has some wonderful stories you should check out, for her skilled beta-reading!_


	64. A Change of Plans

**A Change of Plans**

It had been six months since I'd last had to fight for my life. In six months, even if you train every day, you can become complacent. The first fifty two years of my life had been relatively attack free, except that time in seventh grade when Gail Shardeen grabbed me by the hair in the girl's locker room and we came to blows. I had easily slipped into thinking I was done with violence, despite the fact that gangs of bandits still roamed the streets of Denerim.

I was on the way to the _factory_, as I liked to call it. It was a big warehouse just off the river. I was walking alone and thinking hard about toilet paper. Next to toilets, toilet paper was the thing I missed most from home; that would come next. After that, jeans, then hot running water. Those were the things occupying my brain when I felt something sting my neck.

I slapped at my neck, expecting to find a bee or a wasp, but instead my hand found a... _thing_, a tiny needle-like object. I pulled it out of my neck and stared at it as my vision began to blur. In a moment I was surrounded by - I couldn't count them, I was seeing at least double - a lot of men, a few women, and a mage or two. I stumbled to a wall and slowly sank to the ground as my vision grew dim. The last thing I knew was the side of my face splashing into a muddy puddle.

_~o~o~o~_

I awoke in a cell, lying on a bed. There was a barred window just above my head. I stood up and caught myself as a wave of dizziness swept over me. I walked to the door carefully, my hand against the wall to catch myself if I should fall. I tried to open it but it was locked from the other side. Confirmation. This was definitely a cell, but where?

I walked back to the bed, my head feeling like a helium balloon. I sank down on the bed and nearly tried to heal myself but at the last moment I stopped. The people who attacked me probably had no idea I was a mage. I didn't want to give that away just yet. I needed to figure out who had kidnapped me and why, then I could almost certainly escape. I looked at the bars on the window. I might be able to squeeze between them as a crow, but I wasn't certain.

I hoped that whatever poison had been used wouldn't harm the baby. I'd been so careful to avoid alcohol and then I was first sedated by the Grey Wardens from the Anderfels and now this mysterious group. _Why would anyone be after me? I'm one of the good guys! _Then the last eighteen months replayed in my head. I had killed people, lots of people. Cultists in Haven, blood mages and enthralled templars, loads of bandits, mercenaries, a bunch of farmers in Lothering, Rendon Howe, not to mention a few mercy killings here and there. Oh yes, and I intervened in the most vicious politics outside of Washington, D.C., by backing a candidate for king in politically volatile Orzammar. I probably thwarted dozens of ambitious nobles and didn't even know it, plus I had a brother, so to speak, who would probably prefer me dead. Did I miss anyone? I'm sure I must have.

But I wasn't dead, at least not yet. Perhaps I was more useful alive than dead. That suggested ransom or extortion was the goal. They weren't extorting me, or they'd have captured someone I cared about. So who would they try to extort? It could have been Loghain or Alistair, perhaps even Anora.

Could it be the Chantry? Maybe they had gotten word of my magic use and were afraid of a more open confrontation. No, that didn't make sense, I could feel my mana here and I was sure I could cast magic. Surely the Chantry had anti-magic accommodations for mages. I sighed with relief thinking it couldn't be the Chantry.

I laid back down on the bed and tried to relax. Whoever it was who had me would probably make themselves known before too long. I spent the time trying to count up all the people I had killed over that awful, bloody year when I heard keys rattling in the door. I sat up and waited to see who had ruined my day.

"Ah, you are awake already, signora eroina!" A cheerful, tall human man walked into the cell. He was middle-aged, perhaps in his forties, and quite strikingly handsome. He had black hair, tied into a neat queue at the back, and a rather snappy looking goatee. He was lean, athletic and dressed in leather armor. He carried a pair of vicious-looking daggers on his back. "You have a fast metabolism, most people sleep for hours longer when they've had such a large dose of sognatore tranquillo."

I stared at him, wondering at his cheerfulness. "That drug you used, will it hurt my bambino?"

He shook his head and smiled at me. "No, signora, your bambino will be fine. He was perhaps a bit sleepy and took a little nap. Not so much of the kicking, eh?" He looked at me and sighed. "Ah, Zevran is a lucky man to have such a beautiful woman and a baby on the way. Not many Crows get the opportunity for such domestic bliss."

I gasped. "What are you saying?" _Zevran?_

He spread his hands before him and looked sorrowful. "I am sorry his bliss will have to end so abruptly, mia signora, but an important precedent is at stake. You see, there is only one way out of the Crows - through the smoke of a funeral pyre." He raked me with his gaze. "But the l'eroina bellissima will find someone else to warm her bed." He stepped close to me and picked up one of my red curls and brought it to his lips. "Very soon, I should think."

My fury erupted and I hit him with a lightning fast roundhouse punch to the jaw. My training with Zevran paid off. He staggered backwards; I had nearly knocked him off his feet. He wasn't expecting a pregnant woman to pack such a powerful punch. _I killed a fucking archdemon. Chauvinist pig!_

The Antivan straightened up and looked at me with a little more respect. He chuckled and rubbed at his jaw where a lovely red spot was blossoming against his dusky skin. "Ah, you Ferelden women... your tempers are as fiery as your hair."

"You're a Crow, I assume," I said.

"Guilty as charged." He bowed with a flourish. "Do not worry, bella signora, your amato will not be cast into the pyre alive as is tradition. Out of respect to you, we will kill him first. You are, after all, a heroine in Antiva as well as Ferelden."

"I have a better idea. How about, out of respect to me, you leave him alone and go back to Antiva. Tell everyone that his heroism during the Blight was how he earned his way out of the Crows. I can make it very worthwhile for you to leave him alone." I fixed the Crow with a steely stare.

He pursed his lips and shook his head. "Impossible, I am afraid. Orders from del capo, you see." He stepped close to me again and drew a dagger. "Now, we must have a token from you to send to Zevran so he will surrender to us." He raked me again with his eyes. "A finger?" He chuckled. "Hmmm... fingers are always so nondescript. You open a box with a finger in it, it could be anyone's, you know? However, that hair of yours..." He came forward with his dagger ready. "Don't do anything foolish, bella."

I did something foolish.

I'm not entirely sure where it came from, but a surge of power erupted out of me and a massive lightning bolt struck the Antivan. He collapsed into a pile of burnt flesh and smoldering leather. It was quite horrifying, or would have been if I'd wasted one second thinking about it. I bent down and picked up his weapons and left the cell.

The strange increase of power I'd been experiencing for months now seemed to build suddenly. I felt like I had that time I'd left a small glacier behind after experimenting with lyrium, only this was happening without the lyrium. It felt different too. I didn't have that manic feeling, just the feeling of raw, incredible power emanating from my center. I should have been frightened - I was fighting my way out of a stronghold of Crows and their minions, and my baby and I were at risk - yet I felt strangely calm.

I walked out of the cell door and zapped a pair of guards with another one of those immense lightning bolts. The bolt forked and got them both. Ash floated through the air like a blizzard of gray snowflakes.

"That's weird!" I said. I patted my bulging middle. "You okay in there?" I felt a little thrum of energy coursing through my body in response. "Whoa! What was that?" Then a reassuring feeling flooded me. _It would all be fine, just fine. _I needed to keep my head and kill these Crows. I was filled with confidence.

The air was starting to smell like roast pork and ozone. It made me realize I was rather hungry. I'd ask the cook to make that nice pork roast again... the one with the rosemary and garlic. I began to salivate and my attention was fully focused on what I wanted for my next dinner, but running feet signaled more enemies coming. I ducked behind a desk and waited for them to get closer; then I stood and unleashed a cone of cold at them. It froze everything in front of me as surely as Ice-nine. I pushed over one of the frozen people and he shattered as he hit the floor. _Nice, nice, very nice!_

I walked down the hallway still unsure of where I was or how to get out. I pulled a Fade shield around myself and it glimmered with a strange orange glow I had never seen before. I wondered what was going on with my magic. An arrow came speeding down the hallway and it slowed to a crawl as it entered the Fade shield. I raised an arm and knocked it aside, like it was an annoying gnat, then sprinted down the hallway to find the archer. A knife across her throat assured me no more arrows would be coming, but a mage and four armed men ran into the room. They all came from separate directions so I couldn't use a cone of cold. I hesitated a moment trying to figure out what to use when a spell burst out of me, one I could swear I didn't cast. It paralyzed everyone around me.

"All right. What's going on?" I said aloud and began to feel very worried. My magic had always been different from the mages native to this world, but this... Almost as soon as the worries started to take shape, they drifted away. _I have to get out of here. Pay attention!_ I felt my calm confidence return. I heard more footsteps and another wave of attackers came. They were dispatched easily with yet another overpowered spell.

I think I went down every hallway in the building, opening every door, killing everything in my path, until I finally found my way out. Outside I heard shouts, steel boots running, and the metallic swoosh of swords being drawn. I'd used so much magic I could imagine that it must have felt like an army of mages to those trained to sense such things. I quickly turned into a crow and fluttered up onto a rooftop to watch a large contingent of excited looking templars arrive below me.

I watched for a while in amusement. It reminded me a little of the Keystone Cops; they were so frantic and nervous looking for the army of apostates. Eventually, I got bored and flew back to the Warden compound.

I found Zevran in the room where he mixes poison. I didn't like going in there. I was afraid I might expose the baby to something unsavory. "Amato, when you have a moment." I tossed my words into the room, casually shut the door and went to our room to wait. I heard his light footsteps running down the stairs not long after. He found me seated on a chair in front of the vanity combing the ashy residue of immolated Crows out of my hair.

"What is it, bella?" he asked. He took the brush out of my hands and took over. "Tsk! What did you get in your hair?"

"Your former colleagues."

He paused a moment, then chuckled. "Tesora, you have Crows in your hair? You are a silly girl."

I smiled at him. "No, seriously. They captured me on the way to the toilet factory this morning. They were going to use me to get to you."

Zevran stopped brushing my hair and he walked around to the front of me and leaned against the vanity. His brows were furrowed and I could see a cold fury growing in his eyes. "How did you get away? Where are they?"

I grasped his hand and patted it reassuringly. "Don't worry, they're all dead. There must have been a dozen of them, maybe even twenty." I paused to try to remember how many I'd killed. "I never could keep score like you always did. I sure killed loads of them though." Some distant part of my brain was concerned with how chirpy and casual I sounded.

"Cara, you killed twenty Crows yourself?" He looked at me with concern.

I nodded happily. "Yes. My magic is working rather splendidly lately. I didn't even break a sweat." I stared off into the distance, thinking. A moment of concern crossed my face as I pondered it, but my mind wouldn't let me dwell on it. "I didn't even seem to use any mana." I laughed. "Isn't that crazy?"

The look of concern on Zevran's face didn't dissipate like mine had. He put the brush down and knelt in front of me, taking my hands in his. "Cara, the Crows coming after me... they know I'm still alive. They would have used you, our baby, to get to me."

I stroked his hair and smiled at him. "Not to worry, caro, they're dead. It'll be a long time before they try again, if ever!"

Zevran shook his head. "Next time they'll send more. Next time they may be prepared for you, this time they had no idea you were a mage." He stood up and stared at me a moment. His expression looked tortured. "I need to think." He strapped on his weapons and kissed me, lingering with his arms around me. "I'll be back later. Don't wait up for me."

"Zevran, don't overreact. It's okay. Everything is fine."

"No, cara, everything is not fine." He gave me one more worried glance and left.

He crept into bed late that night. His skin was chilled from the night air. I wrapped my arms around him and warmed him up with a little magic. I fell back asleep and when I awoke it was just barely dawn. Zevran was packing his belongings.

"Zev!" I hopped out of bed, panic stirring as I saw what he was up to. "What are you doing?"

He looked at me wearing that tortured expression I'd seen yesterday. "I have to leave, amore. While the Crows are after me, you and the baby won't be safe. I need to take care of this."

"What? No!" I grabbed the shirt out of his hands and hung it up again. "I can keep you safe. Alistair and I can! He's the king. He can give us guards. I'll be more careful in the future. I promise!"

He shook his head and got the shirt back out of the armoire. "This isn't about keeping me safe, amore, it is for you and the baby. I must go to Antiva and resolve this once and for all. I am sorry, amata."

I began to cry. "No, Zev! It's dangerous." _Not Zevran too!_ I couldn't bear it.

He wrapped his arms around me and stroked my back. "Shush, Lucia. I have to do this, otherwise we will always be prisoners, always afraid to walk down the street, always fearing more attacks. What if they hurt our baby?"

"You said you wouldn't leave," I blubbered into his neck. "You said you wouldn't abandon your child." That was unfair of me. I shouldn't have brought it up. He wasn't abandoning us; I knew that on some level. He thought he had to do this to protect us. Still, it felt like abandonment.

"Tesora, I promise that if I survive this, I will be back as soon as I can. I am sorry, Lucia. This is for the best."

We argued all day. He packed and I unpacked. Finally, at the end of the day, I gave up. I let his words penetrate my brain and I knew he was doing what he felt was right. What I felt was right was to drop a thermonuclear warhead on Antiva, but I supposed I'd be killing a lot of innocents if that were even possible. My instinct was to go with him to Antiva and help him, but there was the baby to think about now.

"Lucia, I want you to have these." He handed me a black velvet bag with a crimson ribbon closure.

I took the bag, tears falling down my face as I opened it. I pulled out a thin copper wire, a slender oblong thing, no longer than my hand and no wider than two fingers, a tortoise shell hair comb and a vial filled with liquid. "Tesoro?" I was quite puzzled as to what he had given me.

"The wire you can wind into your braid and use as a garrote. I thought the color would go nicely with your hair." He picked up the oblong item and squeezed the onyx dragon design at one end and a slender but vicious looking blade popped out the other end. "This you must keep in your boot or strapped onto your leg at all times. Sleep with it under your pillow. Capito?"

I nodded.

"The hair comb you can coat with poison and use if you need to. They are very popular with the ladies in Antiva. Be careful not to poke yourself." He held me by the shoulders and looked at me sternly. "Don't use your magic. Something strange is going on with it. It is better you stick to more mundane methods of killing things."

I sighed and shook my head. "No one is after me, love." How like Zevran to give me gifts that were both functional and beautiful. He had given me the occasional deathroot bloom too, but only after instructing me in how to use it as poison. I had put it into a glass of water and admired it.

His grip tightened on my shoulders and he gave me a little shake. "Never assume that. Promise me!"

He looked so worried. He was going to Antiva to try to protect us and he was concerned he wouldn't be here to do so. I had to reassure him. "I promise, amore. I will take every precaution."

We crawled into bed one last night and held each other. Neither one of us felt like making love. The next morning I walked with him down to the docks and watched him recede into the gray fog as his ship pulled away.

"If you take another lover remember your heart is mine. Capito? I will be back as soon as I can," he had told me. I couldn't imagine anyone replacing him, but there were many things I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine going on without him here to keep me from breaking when things were awful. I couldn't imagine how he could possibly survive long in Antiva, yet he seemed confident he could fight his way to the top of his Crow cell and take over.

After Zevran left, I retreated into a deep depression. I stayed in the Warden compound, not even going to the factory to work on my toilet project. I spent several weeks moping about. One morning I woke up disgusted with myself for wallowing in my misery. Zevran would have been dismayed by my behavior. Then I realized I had thought of him in past-tense and I buried my face in my pillow and cried. I gave myself one last day to mourn either his loss or his absence; I didn't know which, maybe I never would. The next day I got out of bed and didn't cry. I plunged myself back into toilets, so to speak. My employees at the factory were amazed at my sudden work ethic.

We were making more toilets now and I sent one to the palace. The production was slow, but we were finding shortcuts all the time. Money was starting to come in and toilets became the next "must have" item for the wealthy. I had months' worth of orders backed up. I kept the dwarven engineers on and put one of them in charge of operations. I could come to him with my ideas and there was always a good chance he could implement it. I felt assured that eventually we would be building toilets even faster and cheaper. I donated several to the Alienage and hired a lot of elves too. I even began outsourcing orders for the runes, which were needed to evaporate the liquid waste, to the Circle tower. Poor Sandal could only make so many runes in a day.

New jobs would come of this. Wealthy people who considered themselves too important to handle compost would have to hire people to empty their toilets. Those with more compost than they needed for their own gardens would hire people to collect it. Compost collectors would sell to farmers, who in turn would grow more crops. Food would be more plentiful and cheaper, and so it goes. That feeling that I was improving things in Ferelden helped counteract the pain of losing Zevran and my fear of being alone.

I spent some time with Alistair, Anora and Loghain, but we were all busy. Anora and I were probably going to give birth around the same time. I was fairly unsure when I was due, having lost all track of my fertility during the Blight, but judging by the sizes of our stomachs we were on a similar schedule.

Around what I think was my eighth month, I became restless. I missed Zevran so much and was feeling increasingly frightened of doing this alone. I hadn't received any letters from him. I didn't know if he was even alive. Evenings were the worst time. I often had nothing to occupy me and that was when I felt dreadfully alone and despite my resolve not to, I worried about Zevran.

One day I was just about to leave the compound when a breathless soldier arrived.

"Warden-Commander?" she asked.

It felt strange to be addressed as such, but I nodded.

"I have an urgent message for you." She handed me the neatly folded message.

I didn't recognize the woman. She didn't appear to be one of Loghain's soldiers or one of the royal guard. I looked at the seal. It was a griffon pressed into a blob of red wax. Grey Warden stuff. _Why the hell am __I__ getting messages from them now? My sabbatical had just started. Then __I__ remembered the Historian, Adler, and thought he might be writing to ask questions and __I__ felt better. _

"How did they get a message back here so quickly?" I asked the soldier. "It's a long way to Weisshaupt."

"We have homing pigeons at Amaranthine that the Weisshaupt wardens left with us and they took some of ours," she told me. "The message was then transcribed and sealed at Amaranthine."

"Ah!" That could explain the speedy delivery. I briefly thought of sharing the notion of the enchanted orbs with the Wardens, but then I realized that would only give them incentive to meddle in everything here. I might not care now, but I would in four years. I broke the seal. Inside was a tiny slip of paper, perhaps the original message that had been on the foot of a pigeon.

_Dear Warden-Commander Elissa,_

_I regret to inform you that the Grey Wardens need to cut short your sabbatical. The interim commander has been killed and you will need to take over for him. Please report to Amaranthine as soon as possible._

_Best Regards,_

_First Warden_ _Klaus_

I looked up from reading the message. "Shit!" All my wonderful daydreams of having an idyllic domestic life with Zevran and our child, which had started to crumble when he left, now decayed entirely into dust. "Crap!" Now I was vastly pregnant, my baby was due soon and I was being recalled to fight darkspawn. Could it get any worse? "Fuck!"

The solider looked at me, surprised by my angry vulgarity. "Commander, my name is Mhairi. I'll be escorting you to Amaranthine." She looked at my protruding belly. "Are you all right to travel by horseback?"

I shrugged. "I guess we'll see. If I have to, I have other modes of travel I can take advantage of." I looked at her thoughtfully. "Are you a Warden, Mhairi?"

She shook her head. "Not yet, Commander. I'm a recruit. When can you be ready to leave?"

"I'll need a few days at least."

I invited her in and got her settled into a room.

Over the next few days I created enchanted orbs, like the ones that we had used during the Blight, and left one with my factory manager. I set up regular times when we could communicate. I wanted to be certain that my toilet industry would thrive while I was away. I also arranged to have a half dozen toilets delivered to Amaranthine. I packed up as many of my belongings as I could reasonably carry on horseback, and arranged to have the rest delivered by wagon later.

And so, in the eighth month of my pregnancy, with my stomach feeling like a whole 'nother person was grafted onto me, I set out to become the Warden-Commander of Ferelden, Commander of the Grey, Arlessa of Amaranthine. I'm sure anyone else would have been thrilled, but I was bitter and resentful.

The day we left Denerim the weather conspired to further compound my misery; it rained a miserably cold, blatty rain the entire way. A trip that should have taken two days in better weather, took three. I was shivering, soggy, cranky, bitter, and resentful and my back hurt when we finally arrived at the Vigil, Rendon Howe's old demesne. To top things off we were greeted by a welcoming committee of fleeing guardsmen and darkspawn.

_Maker! Could life suck any worse than this?_ I thought to myself as I vaporized every darkspawn we came across. My weirdly enhanced magic seemed to shoot out of me effortlessly. Mhairi might have been a great warrior, but most everything died before she could even get close. I just wanted to get out of the rain and somewhere warm and cozy, so I didn't spend any time thinking about the details.

"I didn't know you were a mage, Commander, although there were rumors."

"Yes, there are a lot of things you don't know about me," I said grumpily. My baby seemed to do a triple-gainer inside of me. "Oof! God! Let's get this done and get inside. I feel... funny." We were standing just outside of the gates into the fortress. I hoped there wasn't much more fighting to do. It was splattering rain. I was wet, drippingly wet. It seemed to run down my body between my legs. _Wait, did I just pee myself?_

Mhairi looked at me and her mouth shaped into a little 'o' of surprise. "Commander... I think your water broke!"

**The End**

_**Translations:**_

_Signora eroina: Lady heroine  
Sognatore Tranquillo: Peaceful dreamer (a poison the Crows used on Lucy)  
Bella: Beautiful  
Mia dea: My Goddess  
Amato: Beloved  
Tesora: Darling  
Bella: Beauty  
Capito: Understand  
Bellisima: Beautiful  
del capo: The head (the Crow master)_

_**Notes: **__Yes, this is the end of the SCIKCC, finally! I apologize for the rather grim ending but it gives the sequel somewhere to go! As I learned from reading Jaqueline Carey, having an ending like this assures you people will buy the sequel no matter how bad your sequels are. :)_

_The sequel will touch, slightly, on some of Awakening's events. The first chapter of the sequel is nearly done. Some of the questions you probably have about things will almost certainly be answered. I promise it won't be too much rehashing of the game because I'm rather bored with the game, but I do love the characters. If you want to be notified of it, put me on your author alert list._

_Thank you all for sticking with me through this. I'd love to hear reviews, especially if you haven't reviewed before! I am jazzed whenever I see a new review in my mailbox. It keeps me inspired._

_My ultimate thanks to Biff McLaughlin for her wonderful beta-reading skills. She's stuck with me through much of this! If you noticed that my grammar and boo-boos have improved it is all due to her._

_Thanks also to everyone else who has given me input and ideas for this story. _


	65. The Sequel

**This story is finished but it picks up in "Post Blight Management for Dummies". **

I hope to see you there!


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